When you try to be compassionate, does it drain you and stress you out?

What if your heart could be a tube, not a bucket?

I’ll explain how, using:

• tubes
• buckets
• Johnny B. Truant
• Beyonce (the rooster, not the singer)
• the Tardis
• a triceratops
• the most famous commercial of the 80′s

It’s the summer of 2012, and I’m falling apart.

I’m about to quit my day job. We’re about to sell everything we own and live in an RV. We’re in the middle of renegotiating the custody arrangements for our son. Business is doing well, but not enough yet to pay all the bills.

“Choose Peace” is my mantra. This is my iPhone background.

But it’s just not working. Usually Remembrance helps me feel peaceful, so I do more Remembrance. It helps, but the peacefulness expires quickly, and there I go again, snapping at Kyeli, neglecting to take care of myself, tossing and turning at night.

So I try harder.

I spend hours a day in Remembrance, trying to chill myself out, to connect with Source, to choose peace.

And it’s just not working.

So I play some video games. Sometimes a fun pastime of mine, this time merely an escape. And I realize:

There’s always a way forward.

In a video game, when you come across a wall that’s too high for you to jump over, there’s always a way forward.

Maybe you can dig a tunnel. Maybe there’s a secret door. Maybe you can get a boost from something else in the room.

Try everything you can think of, and a few more things to boot. Don’t give up.

Sometimes the way forward is roundabout, like “come back later when you have the jump boots,” but the jump boots always exist and it’s always possible for you to get them – some way or another.

Real life is like that too.

In real life, when we come across an apparently insurmountable obstacle, we often give up. But just like in video games, there’s always a way forward.

Maybe you can learn a new skill. Maybe there’s a different way past it that you haven’t thought of yet. Maybe you can ask for help.

Try everything you can think of, and a few more things to boot. Don’t give up.

Sometimes the way forward is roundabout, like “come back later when you have more money,” but that money always exists and it’s always possible for you to get it – some way or another.

A boss with 1,000,000 hit points

Back to the video game. You fight a boss with 1,000,000 hit points. It smashes you into dust with its pinky finger. It seems like there’s no way you can win.

But there’s always a way forward.

Maybe the boss is meant to be a signpost saying “Don’t go this way, at least not until you’re strong enough.” Maybe you need to defeat the boss with cleverness instead of brute force. Maybe you need to sneak past the boss instead of kill it.

Real life is like that too.

In the summer of 2012, I felt like I was fighting a boss with 1,000,000 hit points, and its name was Stress. None of the weapons in my inventory could defeat it. It was even immune to my magic spell, Remembrance.

But there’s always a way forward.

What if it were okay for me to feel stressed out? What if it were perfectly normal to feel stressed out with three major life changes going on at once? What if my inability to choose peace was reasonable, rather than a personal failing?

Sometimes you need to be defeated by the boss so the plot can advance. Sometimes the goal isn’t to defeat the enemy, but to surrender.

And as soon as I surrendered – as soon as I accepted my feelings as they were – I felt peaceful for the first time in months.

There’s always a way forward.

Way back when we first started our business, I was insecure because I didn’t feel like enough of an expert. I recorded a series of videos where I tried to impress people with how smart and authoritative I was. Each video was a slog to record, and our audience didn’t like them much, either. I stuck with it and tried harder, but it got more and more difficult. It felt like a boss with 1,000,000 hit points. But there’s always a way forward. My way forward was to let go of my need for validation and reconnect with what I love. And what I love is explaining things! And thus Pace Explains was born.

I defeated the boss by sneaking around it instead of with brute force.

In early 2013, I was living in an RV. It was fun and adventurous, but also stressful, expensive, and left me little time to work on our business. It felt like a boss with 1,000,000 hit points. But there’s always a way forward. My way forward was to sell the RV and move to Portland.

The boss was a signpost telling me “Don’t go this way, at least not yet.”

What feels impossible to you right now?

What’s the way forward?

I’ve had a long day. I worked from 8:30am to 6:30pm, and by the end of my work day I was already exhausted. Now it’s 10:00 at night and I’ve been assembling this damned Ikea bed for the past two hours.

I grumble as I contort myself to screw in a Philips-head screw with a flathead screwdriver because we lost our grumble grumble Philips-head screwdriver.

“Is there a way you could make this fun?” Kyeli asks me.

“Grumble grumble,” I reply, annoyed. It’s not fun because I don’t want to be assembling this bed. I want to be done working for the day. I want to be playing Fez or reading my book or -

Wait a second. What’s the definition of halfhearted? Wishing you were somewhere other than where you are.

And what’s the definition of wholehearted? Choosing to be exactly where you are.

What am I choosing? I’ve already committed to assembling the bed, so my only two options are:

1. Assemble the bed and wish I could be doing something else (the halfhearted option)
2. Assemble the bed wholeheartedly

Why am I choosing #1 instead of #2? What do I get out of it? Hmm. I get a “poor me” feeling. I want sympathy, or pity, or for someone to rescue me from having to do all this work I don’t want to do.

Nobody’s going to rescue me. I can either assemble the bed and be annoyed, or assemble the bed and be happy. The choice is up to me.

I let go.

I turn the next screw, and smile.

This is what a wholehearted life looks like.

It’s not all quitting your day job and gallivanting across the country. It’s assembling Ikea beds with peacefulness instead of grumpiness. It’s letting go of judging others harshly when they spell “a lot” as one word. It’s communicating with compassion instead of with a need to be right.

It’s forgetting to be wholehearted.

And it’s remembering.

We’ll be back tomorrow with our regularly scheduled blog post – by Pace.

One more thing Kyeli forgot to mention in the video is that she’ll still be contributing the Slice of Life photos to our Wholehearted Every Day zine, and writing those little story-captions about what’s going on in our life. So another great way to get your weekly dose of Kyeli is to subscribe to our eZine. (:

Take good care!

Do you ever feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Do you sometimes wish you could just take a break and play video games instead?

I bet Link feels that way too. Fighting monsters, saving the kingdom, rescuing the princess. If Link takes a break, he could fail. Zelda could die. All of Hyrule could fall.

Sometimes, when I’m playing a game, I get caught up in the drama and the consequences. I identify with the character so much that I start to get stressed out in real life. My perspective shifts from “If I lose, I’ll learn, improve, and try again” to “If I lose, Zelda will die.”

The game stops being fun – and I start making mistakes because of the stress.

This happens to me in real life too.

Helping people, making money, taking care of my family. If I take a break, our business could fail. We won’t make any money and we’ll all starve to death.

My perspective shifts from “If I lose, I’ll learn, improve, and try again” to “If I lose, I will die.”

Life stops being fun – and I start making mistakes because of the stress.

Sound familiar?

Live your life as if you’re playing the game, not as if you’re in the game.

In other words: Be you, not Link.

Here’s how the world looks from each side of the screen:

Which one sounds like more fun to you?

But what if I have real problems?

I’m not trying to make light of your problems. I’m pointing out that if you treat your problems like puzzles to solve or challenges to overcome – like in a video game – that your life will be way more enjoyable.

And you’ll do a better job of solving those puzzles, because your stress nerves won’t kick in and cause you to make mistakes.

So you want me to detach from my life and ignore the real-world consequences?

Not exactly. That’s where the metaphor breaks down. If you hurt someone in a video game, it’s just pixels on a screen. If you hurt someone in real life, they actually hurt.

Treating people as though they’re characters in a video game is called sociopathy. Don’t go there.

But you can detach from your life in the Zen sense without detaching from your life in the sociopathic sense. You can do your best, then let go of your attachment to what you can’t control.

How do I do that?

Begin by noticing when you feel stressed.

Then, each time you feel stressed, repeat a simple mantra to yourself to remind yourself that you want to live a life full of fun instead of a life full of stress. My mantra is “Be Pace, not Link.”

This mantra will remind you to imagine what your life would be like if you were playing the video game instead of being the character in the game. What would you do differently? How would you feel differently?

Practice and repeat. Like all gamers know, mastering a new skill takes practice.

It’s worth it. Changing your perspective can change your life from a stressful chore into a fun adventure.

Be you, not Link.

Tom Sawyer, fictional hooligan

The fictional hooligan Tom Sawyer once tricked his friends into whitewashing a fence for him, by making it out to be a fun and appealing task.

As practical jokes go, that’s an awfully kind-hearted one. Convincing people to enjoy something – how devilish!

Tom observed:

“Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.”

But this is a double-edged sword – what happens when you become obliged to play?

Introducing Tom’s evil twin, Mot Reywas

Mot Reywas, stealer of joy

Mot Reywas is the fictional hooligan who plagues pathfinders, heart-followers, and entrepreneurs who do what they love for a living.

Mot is the one who spies you joyously whitewashing the fence of your dreams, saunters over to you, and casually remarks, “You’re not supposed to enjoy whitewashing that fence. It’s work, you know.”

3… 2… 1… DOUBTSPLOSION!

Listen to Mot, and you’ll soon be overcome by doubt, drudgery, and dread.

You’ll become your own boss, but you’ll treat yourself like a lazy, selfish, untrustworthy employee. You’ll treat yourself so badly that yourself will want to quit.

How to stop Mot Reywas from sucking the joy out of things you used to love

Mot Reywas is the voice of our culture that says,

“Obligations are not fun. You must fulfill your duties, commitments, and obligations because it’s the right thing to do. Doing the right thing is not supposed to be fun.”

This is an insidious and dangerous voice. Luckily, it’s utterly false. You can disprove it yourself in one minute.

How to deny Mot Reywas in just one minute

Do these 4 steps right now. It’s fun and easy, and it’ll only take a minute.

Step 1: Think of something fun and easy, something that you could do right now. I’m thinking of eating a square of vegan dark chocolate.

Step 2: Publicly commit to doing it one minute from now. I’m writing this at 8:50pm, so I’m going to post on Facebook right now, “I hereby commit to eating a square of vegan dark chocolate at 8:51 today.”

Step 3: Notice how you feel during the minute of anticipating your obligation. You must follow through. You’re committed and publicly accountable. If you notice yourself dreading your commitment because you’re obligated to do it, remind yourself how much fun it will be. This helps break down the “obligations aren’t fun” block.

Step 4: Follow through on your commitment, and enjoy!

And in the future, when you find yourself dreading an obligation to do something you love, remind yourself that love trumps obligation.

To remind myself of this, I write “LOVE” next to every single appointment on my calendar and every single item on my to-do list that I will love doing.

Mot Reywas can go whitewash his own fence.

Do you get that sinking feeling that, eventually, somehow everyone will figure out that you’re just making stuff up? And then all hell breaks loose and you lose everything?

Yeah, so do we. And we call it “the impostor syndrome”.

So take a deep breath and remember, you’re not alone. And you’re not an impostor, either.

We’re packing up all our earthly belongings and cramming them into a Honda Fit. We’re about to begin a family road trip and visit lots of beautiful, amazing national parks. We’re moving to Portland, a city we’ve been in love with for years.

And it feels like a slog.

No joy, no excitement, just drudgery. Sort the stuff. Pack the boxes. Load the car. Sell the RV. Sell the truck. Blah, blah, blah.

Kyeli noticed this, and said, “When we were getting ready to live in the RV, we were super excited. Now that we’re moving out of the RV, I’m not really excited at all.”

The way she phrased it made it clear:

Last time, we were moving toward. This time, we’re moving away from.

Last time, we were moving toward the unknown, toward the open road, toward adventure.

This time, we’re moving away from an expensive lifestyle, away from stress, away from discomfort.

But all it takes is one perspective shift.

“Kyeli,” I said. “What if, instead of moving away from the RV, we moved toward Portland? Toward the city we’re both in love with? Toward friends and community? Toward delicious vegan food?”

We’re now moving toward Portland, and we’re getting that excited feeling in our bellies again.

Toward instead of away from – that’s all it took.

What are you moving away from that feels like a slog? Could you choose to move toward something instead?

As you read this, the two of us are dreaming and scheming, figuring out what’s next. We’re super excited about a lot of possibilities, but before we forge ahead boldly, we’re taking a moment to slow down and listen.

Click here for a sneak preview of what’s next, and to tell us what you think. (It’s all tickyboxes, so it’s quick and fun!)

We’re listening.

We’re gonna touch on a sensitive subject this week: creating a social circle that lifts us up and nourishes us. It’s touchy because we all want to believe our friends are awesome – and usually, they are.

But ya know those few who just irritate the crap outta you – or worse – but you can’t bring yourself to shake them?

Let’s talk about that.

Please come and share your thoughts on this. I’d love to support you in creating a social ecosystem that brings you all the love and joy in the world!