New Mommy Help

Mommy Envy

Stacie — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:08:11 +0000

We all suffer, to some degree, from Mommy Comparison. Mommy comparison is comparing oneself to another mother to the point of envy or arrogance. Let’s be honest about it. Comparing ourselves to others usually puts us in one of two dangerous camps–envy or arrogance. We feel terrible about ourselves, while wishing for that “thing” we see in someone else’s life. We’ll call that one the Envy Camp. Or we look down on someone else because we think we are better than another mommy–the Arrogant Camp. Somewhere in the middle of these two is the elusive contentedness we truly desire. Today we’ll tackle the Envy Camp.

For starters, let’s look at the definition of envy. Envy is a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc. We might add things specific to motherhood, such as the way another mother parents, how her children look and act, how well she cooks, cleans, dresses, does her job (if working outside the home), etc. Now, think of your own example. Who is the mother you most envy? “I wish I could _______________ the way Susy does. ” Really think about that blank. All the energy focused on Susy and her “blank” makes you feel a little defeated doesn’t it? When I’m envious, I tend to lose confidence and security. You won’t be surprised to learn that an antonym of envy is a feeling of content. How content are you when you are envious?

Working through these feelings is really quite simple, but I didn’t say it was easy. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself feeling jealous.

Do I really want what she has?

Is it a priority for me and my family?

If the answer to these questions is NO, then you must let it go! Remember what your values and priorities are for you and your family. Write them down if you need to have a tangible reminder so you see them in moments of weakness. Would you be willing to give up something you have to achieve or acquire the envied object in question? Furthermore, comparison causes us to take our gratitude and throw it out the window. It’s difficult to appreciate your own blessings when you continue to stew over those of someone else. When you slip into comparison mode, remind yourself to focus on gratitude.

If the answer is Yes to the above questions, then take that envy and put it to good use. It will not benefit you or your family if you do not turn the corner. Right around the corner from envy is admiration. Oh, I love this! No longer is envy eating you up when you realize that another mommy can help you. You’re certainly not going to improve your situation by wishing for the situation of another. Is it me, or do you hear the Superman theme song in the background? Please don’t miss the beauty of this. When we let go of resentment and jealousy in the darkness of our hearts, admiration can bloom in the daylight.

Now, humble yourself and go to that woman and ask her for help. I haven’t met many women were not willing to help out another mom, especially in an area where she happens to have some thing to give. And I haven’t met one woman yet who would not at least appreciate a compliment. So you have nothing to lose. Begin gathering research about your area of improvement. Let’s take the subject of loving discipline (minus frustrated outbursts of anger;).

Approach the other mommy (in person if possible) and give her a compliment. Say “Susy, I notice how consistently you discipline your little ones with love and patience. I have rarely seen any anger from you when you talk to your children. This is an area where I struggle. Are there any tips you could give me or books you might recommend that might help me?”
Follow up. Take Susy’s advice. If she’s open to it, continue to stay in contact with her about your progress.
Do your own research. Do a search on Amazon for any books you might read or even try a Google Blog Search for articles other moms have written.

Notice when you are focused on solving a problem, you’ll find you have little if any time for Mommy Comparison and the envy that results. As you begin to see progress in this area of your life, your confidence will grow and your envy will more quickly turn into Admiration.

The Problem of Mommy Comparison

Stacie — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:29:19 +0000

The following is an exaggeration. It is meant only to dramatize the problem of what I’ll call Mommy Comparison. Stay tuned for another post to follow that goes a little deeper, taking us into the heart of why we compare ourselves, the dangers of it, and some steps of resolution.

Admit it! I’ve got something you don’t have. I’ve got something you want. I am a stay-at-home mommy. I home school, cook dinner 6 days a week, make my own household cleaners, and still have time to write once a week on this blog. I have 4 of the most beautiful children you’ve ever seen. They are polite and obedient. They are rambunctious and fun-loving. They smile all the time. They are smart and talented. I have a marriage made in heaven. To top it all off, I’m a pastor’s wife, so that makes me a goody-two-shoes. How do I get it all done? I must be Supermom:).

Have I left anything out? Probably.

What you don’t know is that you’ve got something I want. Something I need. You can decorate your house without thinking about it, without agonizing over every single item that you expertly hang on the wall. You are such an expert housekeeper that there is no such thing as Cleaning Day at your house–it just comes naturally to you. Your desk is organized and uncluttered. There are no unsightly stacks of papers and toys there. The members of your household rise up and call you blessed because they never run out of clean underwear. You have scrapbooks of each of your children neatly organized on your living room bookshelf. You spend lots of time outdoors playing games with your family. You exercise 6 days a week and eat well-balanced meals. You lost your “baby fat” within 6 months after your last baby was born. Your firstborn walked at 10 months, potty-trained at 18 months, and learned to read at at the age of 3. Need I go on?

Forgive me that dramatic outburst. I only meant to illustrate the ridiculous thoughts we sometimes think about each other. I’ve been thinking about this topic, Mommy Comparison, for over a month. I’ve been thinking about it so much that I can’t seem to move on to anything else here at New Mommy Help. Look for the next installment later this week.

What about you? Do you suffer from Mommy Comparison too? How does it affect you?

Let Him Be The Daddy

Stacie — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 20:00:21 +0000

Originally published March 25, 2009, this is still one of the posts I hold dearest to my heart. Most of you haven’t seen it because you haven’t been around that long. Welcome to New Mommy Help. Put your feet up and experience the beauty of your child’s relationship with his or her daddy.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who told me her husband just couldn’t handle their two kids by himself. Or, maybe it was that he didn’t think he could? Or, was it that she didn’t trust him to handle it well? Doesn’t really matter. It got me thinking. I have heard that from lots of moms and it just doesn’t compute for me.

The first time I left Todd alone with our twins to go to the grocery store, he called me 45 minutes later. I was standing in line at the checkout feeling good to be “alone”. When I answered the call he said, “You have to come home. They won’t stop crying and it’s driving me crazy.” To be fair, I breastfed and the boys were only about 6 weeks old. He felt helpless to calm them. So, I went home. And, a week later I went to get my hair cut. This time I left him some pumped milk he could offer if things got scary. Now, years later, Todd is on his own with all four of our kids without any problems.

Why can’t we moms let go? It seems to me that the underlying issue is fear. “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done right.” Are you afraid of leaving your baby/kids with your husband? Or is he afraid? First, I want to encourage you in this area. You are the mommy. Nobody else can be the mommy except you.

So, let him be the Daddy! He might feed them fruit loops and ice cream for dinner. He may not bathe them or if he does, he may get water in their faces. He just might read them 3 stories instead of exactly two. Does all of that really matter for one day? Or, maybe he will actually do a lot of things right. Could he actually do something better than you? You’ll never know until you let him try. Give him some space. The time you spend away will only serve to give you a much deserved break and boost Daddy’s confidence.

What will it do for the relationship between your baby and his daddy? We hear all the time how important it is for a baby to bond with her mother, but what about the bond with daddy?

I’ll be the first to admit that I can be a little controlling when it comes to taking care of my kids. As moms, we all can lean in this direction because it’s what we do. We live each day serving our kids and rightly so. I can give the little ones a bath without getting one drop of water in their eyes. I can make the best oatmeal and tuck them in just right. Even the mistakes I make are sometimes heralded by my kids.

My husband does not do it the way I do. He’s got his own way with our kids. And I love it! Nobody can get a laugh like Daddy in our house. No one can beat him at making funny voices when reading a story. No one can out-dance him. No one can win a tickle war against him. He’s the first one the kids ask to play outside with them. And, best of all, I can leave our house knowing they will be loved and cared for while I’m gone. Notice I didn’t say they will have a good babysitter. A daddy is not a babysitter. He’s a parent.

Are you ready to let go a little? If you are unsure about how things will go, start small. Leave for one hour at a time and then expand the time a little with each outing. If Daddy needs it, give him detailed instructions on schedule, food, sleep, etc. Tell him you know he can do it. He needs to hear your approval and encouragement. One of the most discouraging things you can do to a new daddy is to tell him you don’t trust him with his own children. Even if you haven’t actually said it, maybe your actions and lack of trust speak for themselves. Let him ask questions and make sure you stay by the phone in case he needs you. Take slow steps. It gets easier each time and your confidence (as well as his) will grow too.

How to Have a More Content Baby

Stacie — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 10:00:17 +0000

Are you struggling to keep your little one content? Ever notice that there are certain times of the day when your baby seems to be inconsolable? Can’t get your baby to take a nap? Are you losing confidence in your abilities to soothe your baby when she’s crying? When you don’t know what to do, try this:

1. Daily routine. Notice I did not say schedule. A daily routine exists when you do the same things in the same order with as much consistency as possible. Your baby will appreciate knowing what comes next in her day, even if it’s not at the same time.

2. A relaxed mommy. If this is your first baby, relax! Babies know their mothers well. If you are stressed out, he will mimic your stress by being fussy. Find ways to relax: deep breathing exercises, stretches, calm music, and take a nap while your baby is sleeping. You have heard it before. Now try it for once.

3. Give baby a bath. A warm bath is usually comforting to any child, especially babies. It may be just the comfort she needs.

4. Naps are non-negotiable. Babies need rest. Ask your pediatrician how much sleep is normal for the age of your child.

5. Make sure your little one is getting enough to eat. This goes back to #1. We don’t eat on schedules and most babies don’t either. Hunger is not on a timer. If you’ve tried everything else to calm him, give him some food.

6. Go outside. A change of atmosphere may get your baby’s attention and be a calming influence.

7. Finally, when you feel your own emotions rising and you think you’re about to lose it…put the baby down. Step away from the crib. If you’ve done everything you know to do to help your baby calm down and it isn’t working, take a break. Seriously. It may be what she needs and if not, you can start over after 5 to 10 minutes.

These tips are not a guarantee. I wish they were. If none of these suggestions work, don’t lose hope. You are not a failure at being a mommy. Contact your pediatrician if you suspect something serious. Have a specific question or want to share something that works for your baby? Leave a comment below.

When Should We Transition From Crib to Toddler Bed?

Stacie — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 10:30:17 +0000

Have you been wondering when to transition from crib to big kid or toddler bed? You’re not the only one. Here is an email I received recently, along with my response.

Hi Stacie,

My husband was just asking me when we should transition to a big girl bed. My daughter is about 22 months, and although she is tall, she doesn’t seem to be interested in climbing out (although I didn’t want to wait for her to try!) I’d like to do it before my daughter tosses herself overboard! I’d love to hear your thoughts on this

MJ

Hi MJ,

We’ve been all over the place on this one. Our twins were climbers and we felt pressured to get them out of the cribs just before age 2. Big mistake, at least for us. We had a horrendous time keeping our little guys in their beds. So much so that we went back to cribs and put crib tents on. This is a solution for the climber who may not be ready for a big kid bed. If you think your little darling is in danger, but you aren’t ready to move on, try the tent idea–it’s cheaper than a new bed too.

If it’s not a matter of safety, I say wait. We may have gone to the other end of the spectrum with baby #3, but our daughter didn’t get into a toddler bed until age 3. Seems old to me when I type it, but it’s the truth. And she didn’t mind. She was not a climber and never asked for a big girl bed. We just decided to move her into the toddler bed stage. She is really great at staying in bed–except for the occasional middle of the night wander into our room.

Ask yourself…Is it a matter of safety?

Yes. Consider a crib tent if you or your climber is not ready for the bedtime chase that will likely ensue. Or move to a toddler or twin bed with appropriate safety measures like bed rails.

No. Wait! There is no rush to get your toddler out of the crib. You’ll thank me for this little bit of advice later.

How A Mommy Learns To Potty Train

Stacie — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:19:46 +0000

Before you read this post, please be sure to read How A Toddler Learns To Potty Train. Then come back here for part two.

When it comes to potty training, I am not the expert. I am the experienced. However, experience alone does not produce an expert. Can anyone relate to that? Before you click away, hear me out. In a previous post, I talked about the stages of potty training from the perspective of a toddler. Today, I plan to give you my side of the story. Here’s what I did.

Research. Yes, even after potty training our 3 other children, I felt the need for help. I found Writer Dad’s Potty Training Power and purchased the package. One of my favorite things about this ebook package is the unlimited support that comes with it. Sean and Cindy Platt (the authors) have responded to my questions and concerns in detail via email several times and for less money than I used to spend for only a month of diapers.

Supplies. I found a potty book at Target in the dollar section. I printed out the children’s book from Potty Training Power. I bought a package of underwear, a package of Pull-Ups, the best training potty ever–simple, inexpensive, and gender neutral. Disenfectant wipes for cleaning the potty, flushable wipes, soft potty seat insert for use on the big potty.

Schedule. It is truly ridiculous that I had to actually schedule potty training, but it makes more sense than you may realize. Potty training is time consuming. It is like starting over with a newborn when it comes to the amount of attention needed. I figured that I would need at least 3 days uninterrupted by errands, visitors, or outings.

Strategy. So, here’s the part we’ve all been waiting for.

1. I presented the training potty to our little guy and told him that pee pee and poo poo go in there. He was happy to practice sitting on the potty.

2. I read him the books about potty training while he sat. Then I took his diaper off and asked him to sit down again. He did.

3. Brace yourself. I left him bare-bottomed all day! I did this for about 3 or 4 days in a row. We do have carpet and we have a steam carpet cleaner (if you don’t own one, you can borrow or rent one from home improvement stores).

4. I would ask him to sit on the potty and read books to get him to stay longer. Most of the time, this did not produce and measurable results, but I believe it was part of establishing a comfort level with something new.

5. When I saw our two-year-old going on the floor, I would remind him to use the potty and take him there (usually in the Living Room where we had quick access) without screaming or scaring him in any way. Be careful here. We don’t want our children to think going potty is scary or unacceptable.

6. After a few days of seeing him improve in timing and asking to go potty, I started putting underwear on him.

7. When my big boy succeeded in getting something into the potty, he would help me take the pan to the bathroom. Then, his special job was to help dump the contents and flush. As an added bonus, he got to wash his hands!

I’m serious. No potty charts, no stickers, no M & M’s. My older son asked me one day why I didn’t give our youngest a treat. It’s simple really. He loved helping with the pan and washing his hands, so why make it more complicated?

8. I still use Pull-Ups for nap and bedtime.

9. I began moving the training potty closer and closer to the bathroom to see if our trainee could hold it longer. Now that we have been out of town a few days, we’ve begun using the soft potty seat insert exclusively.

10. All along the way, I would give praise for each new step of success. When the little guy finished the job, we would go tell someone–brother, sister, call Daddy on the phone.

So there you have it. Our most recent potty training adventure. It was not a perfect journey. If you plan to use any of this in your home, take caution. It may not work out the same with a different child and mommy team. Just be sure to focus on what is working for your little one and go with it.

I’m sure I must have left something out. It looks way too easy. What else would you like to know?

How A Toddler Learns To Use The Potty.

Stacie — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:47:54 +0000

I recently shared about my potty training mistakes in a previous post. This time around (with baby #4), I took a step back and approached potty training very differently. I’m a reflective kind of person and after going through this phase of life with 3 previous children, I have to wonder why this time around went so smoothly. One difference was my focus. I really focused on my son’s experience, observing his progression and reactions through the entire journey. At the end I have a new-found respect for the process and for the bright little mind of a two-year-old. If I had it to do over again, this is where I would start. This isn’t rocket science, but my thoughts and experiences may prove useful for you as you approach potty training for the first time (or the second or third or fourth).

Here are the potty training stages of progression as I observed them in our 2-year-old:

Stage 1: Our little guy was caught by surprise when he saw the little fountain flowing out of him. “Mama, pee pee!” As we began encouraging him to go to the potty, he slowly made progress in that direction.

Stage 2: Knowing that he should now go to the potty, our toddler began stopping mid-stream to call out for help. There was still a small puddle, but he was at least learning how to use those muscles to hold his urine.

Stage 3: Aha! He learned to recognize the urgency to go pee pee before it happened. “Mama, I go potty.” And he did. With just a few accidents along the way, staying dry is now the norm. He now announces to anyone within earshot, “I did! I go potty!”

Stage 4: The “subject” then began noticing a stinky substance coming from a new place. {Even though I’m calling this stage 4, our boy was obviously having poo poo accidents along the way, but he seemed to not be focusing on it with the same intensity as he was pee pee} This was a less pleasant experience for him. Instead of the surprised look on his face, I noticed a scared expression–kind of like a deer in headlights. He would whimper, realizing he had no control of this bodily function. “Mama, oh no!” was his cry.

Stage 5: I observed a similar progression with our little guy learning to poo poo, as noted in stages 1-3. He learned to use his muscles to stop himself before finishing the job. As this happened, I would swiftly take him to the potty so he could finish and experience success. While he was pleased, he still seemed to view going poo poo as a strange experience. He kept wanting to stand up and see what was happening behind him. After all, he couldn’t see this happening–he could only feel it. He now says “Wook Mama. Wook!” He is amazed at seeing what he has accomplished.

Stage 6: Finally! (imagine a catchy tune in the background as you read) Having been dry for 3 to 5 days, our son recognized the urgency to go poo poo before it was too late and began asking to go potty ahead of time. And now he has graduated from potty training.

Notice I did not tell you my role or what strategies I used along the way. Nor did I give you any advice. That was on purpose. I’ll save that for another time. This time around, potty training was overall a pleasant experience for me as a mommy. For me, the key was to focus on my son and what he was experiencing. I found myself as a coach, not a drill sergeant. I look forward to the next post, where I’ll share with you my side of the story. For now, I hope this particular view provides some helpful insight.

I will be the first to admit that potty training is different with each child. The stages I outlined above are my observations with only one child. What have you observed in your child? Any differences or similarities you noticed? Potty training can seem like such a mysterious process. Let’s work on taking some of them mystery out of it. What have you observed in your experience so far?

Feel Like A Failure? Encourage Another Mommy

Stacie — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 17:10:51 +0000

I think we can agree that we all feel like failures at some point. I love to encourage other mommies. It’s the reason New Mommy Help exists. I want to reach into your life and give you a hug, a pat on the back, a gentle challenge, some practical tips for your everyday life, or some perspective on this short season of your life. It warms my heart and puts a smile on my face when you leave comments. Someone is out there. Someone is actually reading and being affected by this site. More importantly, we are continuing the conversation with each other.

Last week, I received one of the biggest boosts of encouragements since the beginning of this blog (March 2009) and I want to share it with you. New Mommy Danielle at Our Barefoot Journey to Ethiopia shared her experience of going from failure to fulfillment after reading Feel Like A Failure? Find A New Way To Measure Progress. Please take a few minutes and learn from a fellow new mommy. You can read Danielle’s post here: From Failure to Fulfillment in One Simple List. Thanks Danielle!

Have you ever had the opportunity to encourage another mommy? How did you feel afterward?

If you have a blog post in response to something you’ve read here, share the link in the comment section below so we can all be encouraged.

How To Make Books Come Alive With Your Toddler

Stacie — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 20:57:50 +0000

I get a lot of questions about what kind of books to get for a toddler. Or, I hear moms say “She just won’t sit still long enough to read a book.” I certainly know the limits of a toddler, but it is possible to enjoy a book with him. If you want to know why you should read to your baby or toddler, stop and read this post first. Here are some tips that will help when reading with your toddler.

Don’t expect a toddler to care about the plot. Toddlers usually do not have the attention span or the desire to follow a story. You may see an increased attention span and interests in stories around age 3.

Do follow the pictures more than the story. Okay, Type-A moms, this is for you especially. I lean in your direction. I get you. We want to read every word before we turn the page. Have you ever noticed how a toddler will proceed to turn every page before you have finished reading the first one? Frustrating, huh. Especially for the tot in your lap, who does not understand why you won’t let her turn the page when she wants to. Listen. Just relax and follow the pictures. That’s what a toddler cares about right now. Point out the various pictures and say the colors and shapes you see. Your toddler will learn new words and recognize new objects just by hearing your voice and seeing the picture.

Do let your toddler lead you through the book. This a delightful way to enjoy a book together. Let her choose the book and turn the pages pointing out what interests her. Ask her questions she can answer. “Where is the cow?” If it’s a lift-the-flap book, say “Can you find the dog?” “Where did Elmo go?” Don’t take over though. She’s the leader in this game.

Don’t make your toddler sit down. If the duck is skipping in the book, then encourage your little one to skip and do it with him. If Jack jumped over the candlestick, then find something to jump over too.

Do choose books with funny-sounding words. Or, make up your own silly sounds to go with the pictures. Words like “flippety-flop”, “zoom”, “tick-tock” and “hoo hoo hoooo” will get your toddler’s attention. {Daddy’s tend to be really great at this. If that’s the case in your family, watch how your husband reads a book with your child and take his lead.} Animal sounds are a huge hit too. These are sounds your toddler will try to imitate and it’s a hilarious game to play together.

Our 2-year-old is the inspiration behind this post. He has 3 older siblings and has sat through a few books in his time. He is so much fun. He loves to “read” books. His idea of reading books is to look at the pictures and turn the pages at whim–doesn’t matter if Mommy is still talking. He loves to make the animal sounds and laughs out loud when I do too. If there is an excuse to hug, poke, tickle, or giggle, it’s even more fun for him. As a mommy of 4, I have loosened up quite a bit when it comes to reading books. I figured out with our first two that it’s not about me. It’s about kindling the love of books in my children. It’s about showing them that learning is fun and should be.

And the moral of the story is…start enjoying books today! Don’t wait for the right age or the right book. Make books fun for your toddlers and their love of books and learning will follow.

What creative ways do you enjoy books with your toddler? Or, what are your challenges when reading with your toddler?

Before I Was A Mom

Stacie — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 23:53:17 +0000

Before I was a Mom:

I thought tantrums were cute. Well, I still think they’re cute when it’s your child.

I ironed my clothes occasionally. I’m not sure where the iron is right now.

I wasted a lot of time. Now I wish I had more time to do important things.

I had a plan. Plan? What plan?

My house was quiet. Laughter is the soundtrack of our house now.

And clean. How would you define clean?

I was sometimes lonely. Now I’m never alone. That’s good sometimes and bad other times.

I could spend an indefinite amount of time in the bathroom. I could do that now, but I probably wouldn’t be alone.

I thought my husband was a great man. Now I see that he is even more–a terrific Daddy.

I could spend all day shopping. Now I’m lucky if I can find the 3 items I went in for and make it out without someone needing to go to the bathroom (myself included).

Now that I’m a mom, I see the world through the eyes of a child. I am a little more optimistic. I’m more joyful. I have more purpose.

Now that I’m a mom, I have an opportunity to change the world.

The idea for this post came from MamaBlogga’s Group Writing Project. What was life like before you were a mom?