I have enjoyed the ups and downs of writing on a myriad of topics, and have appreciated the likes, the pins, the sharing of my work with others, and the comments on my articles, which were insightful and helpful to an audience of people across all walks of life. It has truly been an honor to share my stories, my opinions, and experiences.

I want to extend my gratitude to the staff of Psych Central, and to my readers and participants in, “Tales of Manic Depression.

I hope to see you when I launch my own website ericaloberg.com.

Erica

ericaloberg@gmail.com

It’s called flatlining.

I have previously written about the blocking game when dealing with an ex, which a lot of you had interesting insight and personal experience on, and now I’ve entered a new game where I’ve decided I am not going to participate in the block/unblock/block/unblock charade, but instead here’s what I do.

When I get a call from my ex I pick it up, then I put my phone down so that it’s not in ear shot of me so that I’m not tempted to talk, and wait for him to hang up. I don’t hear what he says, I don’t know what he says if anything at all.  I am sure it is very confusing for him on his end, cause I’m there, but I’m not there. Hello? Is anyone there? Or maybe he says nothing. Maybe he’s just testing to see if he is blocked – cause we all know what it sounds like on the phone when we are blocked.

Who knows. It’s something I’m trying out so that now I know if he tries to reach me cause he’s not blocked, yet he can’t talk to me cause technically I’m not on the phone, but appear to be, so although I pick up, I’m not present, hence I’ve coined it, “flatlining.”

You are dead to me, and I am dead to you. We’ll see how this flatlining experiment pans out. Yes, it’s also a game and a rendition of the blocking game, but since I have made the conscious decision to not partake in the blocking game I have now become a flatliner.

In RHONY one of the housewives “Leah” openly came out on camera stating that she was diagnosed with Bipolar II on her 30th birthday, and at 37-years-old she has it under control. Meanwhile, another one of the housewives “Ramona,” talks behind her back about her mental health gossiping with other women about her depression, and behavior which she described as “scary.” “Ramona’s” treatment of knowledge of “Leah” mental illness seemed to be a honest depiction of judgment and stigma one often finds when they are revealed to have a mental illness. “Leah” did come forth about her troubling teenage years, and admire her strength to be honest with her peers and the audience. I felt bad knowing that she was probably suffering early stages of Bipolar II without any knowledge of her condition. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II when I was 28-years old and looking back at my teenage years and early twenties I suffered with ignorance to my condition too.  I had manic wild nights and ’bouts of depression which I thought was normal and just “me,” when really, when I finally got help, I was relived to know that I didn’t have to live a manic depressive life.

Meanwhile, on the RHOBH “Denise” is at dinner with the girls and blatantly deflects when the girls ask her about an alleged affair with “Brandi.” Then in” Lisa’s” private interview she says the word “deflection” with regards to “Denise” over and over and I thought about other kinds of mental illness like personality disorders. I am not saying “Denise” has a personality disorder, but she has shown deceptive signs of manipulative behavior that one might associate with another form of mental illness. It’s up in the air if the two women really had an affair, but watching “Denise” deny and deflect really points to my belief she is guilty of having an affair, and sheds light on her own mental health status. This alleged affair is a contentious debate that continues to go on and apparently we’re going to find out more during the reunion episode that is set to air shortly. It got me thinking about people in my life that have deflected or worse have gas lighted me over the years. I would just take it cause I didn’t know any better, I didn’t know much about people that behaved that way. I became a victim to their condition if that’s what you want to call it, and now I won’t tolerate it anymore.

The Housewives are a pop culture phenomenon that has die-hard fans and allows the opportunity for viewers to learn about mental health issues on multiple levels. I hope people that tune in can see how these “rich beautiful housewives” on the East Coast and West Coast might not be that different then the rest of us who also suffer from mental health issues, or have people around us that do. I mean don’t even get me started on “Vanderpump” of Beverly Hills Housewives or “Bethenny” of New York City Housewives, both of which are no longer on the show. And some might argue that both of them have narcissistic personality disorder as well.

Yesterday the elevator stopped on a floor and when the doors opened two people chatting away not wearing a mask stepped on and again I made a look and said I’d take the stairs. I’m not sure if they knew my reason, but honestly don’t think they would care anyway. If they are going to be rude enough not to wear a mask, why would they have any common decency to begin with. My only hope is my face gave them some idea of my frustration despite the fact that I held my tongue. I didn’t want to get beat up in the elevator or caught in some verbal war anyway so probably best I kept quiet.

If I find myself in the lobby waiting for the elevator and anyone walks up not wearing a mask again I’m off to the stairwell. I suppose taking the stairs is a good thing during this Fat-Demic, so I’m not totally annoyed, but as time goes on my tolerance is waning. No one wants to be the mask police and no one should have to be the mask police.

The icing on the cake I can’t eat was this morning. I was running on the treadmill at the gym in my building and some guys walked in both mask-less and started working out. One of them stepped on the treadmill beside me when he could have used another one that was at least 6-feet away. I decided to speed through my run and was almost done when the other guy who was standing in the middle of the room behind me let out a huge sneeze without even covering his mouth. I was beyond appalled.  I immediately thought to myself should I make a run for it to the exit and risk running through his germs, or stand and face the corner of the wall as far away as possible. I decided to make a run for it.

When I got home I looked up about sneezing and read that droplets can travel 23- 27 feet at 100 mph so either way I would have been screwed and can only hope I’m ok. Fretting over something outside of my control is pointless but looking back I wish I would have said something. He was a trainer though and was coaching the guy on the treadmill who was a boxer so thought it best to stay quiet and try and be calm. What would I have said anyway? The damage was already done and making some comment would be useless. I don’t think people like that change anyway. It’s one thing not to wear a mask, but a whole other thing to sneeze across the room so inconsiderately and stupidly.

I’m not sure what will happen next, but I am sure as time goes on it is going to continue to be a struggle for me not to police the place. I am the mask police whether I like it or not.

I think I’ve entered phase two of the Corona virus fallout. I’m about a week or so away from the 6 month benchmark of being home and I’m struggling. Phase one was the first several months where I pushed myself to stay physically active – practice yoga and run – and now I’m barely running or doing my yoga routine, so I shouldn’t be surprised that I feel down.

It’s not like a down I’ve experienced before. I’ve had my bouts of depression over the years, so am familiar with those feelings and this is not that same type of feeling down. I just don’t feel like myself right now, and I have a fear of what it will take to get back to my old self. Sadly, if my environment has to stay stagnant, and I am supposed to continue to stay at home and socially distance, it’s hard to imagine the work that it is going to take to pull myself out of this state.

However, despite this current circumstance of my life, I have done some minor things in an effort to make some positive adjustments. I stocked my fridge full of Gatorade as if thirst quenchers is somehow going to make me feel better, but it’s a start. I purchased a new duvet cover cause it’s impossible to find bleach anywhere and I like to clean my duvet with bleach, so if it’s not available I’ll just buy a new one. Now, is a slight adjustment in my bedding going to help me sleep better? Highly unlikely, but it’s a try. Maybe that’s the name of this game: try. Even the word sounds empty like trying doesn’t mean there is going to be any guarantee of positive results, or even a result at all, but what other option do I have at this point?

So I can commit to myself that I am going to try. Try what exactly I am not sure. Try and take more walks, try and wash my hair more often than not, try and wear a dress, try and spray some Chanel perfume on my wrists and neck from time to time, try and cook something new, or try to cook period, try and read a new book, try and stay off of binge watching Hulu, try and pray, try and smile, try try try.

Photo by RichardBH

I hear about people taking up new hobbies, or trying something new during this shelter-at-home phase in life, and I’ve struggled with feeling somewhat of a failure cause I haven’t really done anything outside of the ordinary.  Having said that, I think it’s time to 100% quit my sleep aid.

I’ve always suffered insomnia, and although my mood stabilizer helps with that particular hypo manic symptom, sleep has always been a struggle for me. Years ago I was in a bad place in life and was not getting sleep so started Restoral. I only planned on being on it on and off as needed, which has more or less been the case, but I didn’t think I would be using it at all to this day. I also used to smoke marijuana to help me sleep, but decided to quit that awhile back too which only made me lean heavier on Restoral as a go-to for a restful night.

I don’t want to lean on anything anymore, and since I am working from home I don’t have to necessarily look presentable in the morning, so why not use this opportunity to fully quit for good. I’m not talking cold turkey or anything just a slow wean off of it, in the hopes of staying off it. So now, what’s going to be a natural substitute?

A friend of mine recently called me and expressed that she felt lazy cause she wasn’t working out as much as normal. I shared the same sentiment and we decided to start to hold ourselves accountable for practicing Yoga a few times a week. I was supposed to practice Yoga on Sunday, and woke up that day and just didn’t want to deal so chose to sleep in. The following day my friend sent me a pic of her yoga mat, and I immediately felt guilty and took out my mat for a yoga session. It helps to have a teammate when you’re looking to try something new, or change a aspect of your daily life so am grateful for someone to help me stay on track and be held accountable.

The pandemic offers unique opportunities that we might not ever get a chance to experience, so if you are someone that hasn’t picked up a new language, or hasn’t learned a new receipt for cooking pasta, maybe think of something on the mental health spectrum that you’ve been wanting to change.  And if you need a friend to work together as a team give them a call. I’m sure they’ll be grateful for your extended hand.

My social conduct has shifted. At the beginning of the pandemic some people wore masks while others did not, so I would just avoid anyone not wearing a mask and even cross the street if I saw someone coming down the sidewalk without one. When I was at the post office last week someone was standing in line right behind me, and not practicing social distancing so I just took off and made the decision to come back another time.

But now it is mandated in public to wear a mask, but not necessarily socially distance. Yesterday I was at CVS where they have marked X on the floor at the waiting line so people know to stand six feet apart. There was one person in front of me and another person behind me. The person behind me was not standing on the X and I turned and said, “Sir, can you please step back.” I pointed at the mark and he ignored me. I looked at the front of the line and saw that I was after the guy in front of me so decided to just wait. That guy in front of me turned to me and said, “You can go next white lady.” He smirked at the guy behind me. Both of these men were black.

Black Lives Matter has been a huge deal in Downtown LA. There have been protests, rallies, and outcries and we have had federal government involved with men on corners holding guns in camouflage. Although things have settled down, the atmosphere is different now. I am a minority here. I am a tall white freckled redhead that stands out most of the time. Now sometimes I feel more like a target, and this particular instance put me in a predicament. If I decide to go ahead am I an entitled white lady? If I ask the guy behind me to step back again, am I a racist white lady? I didn’t know what to do so just stood there silent. Then the register freed up and I stepped forward and the guy in front of me quickly stepped in front of me blocking me so I stopped. He turned to me and said, “It’s ok, you can go white lady.” He looked at guy behind me and they both laughed. I was being mocked. I couldn’t take it anymore. “Are you going to go or not?” My tone was not kind. I had been pushed too far and was not going to let the racial sensitive climate keep me from not treating myself like anyone else. The guy looked taken aback and stepped away at which point I stormed forward and walked to the register. When I got there I handed the checkout girl my cans of tuna and Gatorade and she whispered, “Be careful.” She was a Latina girl in her early twenties and she looked afraid. I didn’t feel afraid. I was mad. I was unclear how to handle the situation. I’m not a “Karen,” I’m a person. Yet, somehow as a white woman people are quick to judge and label me.

When I got home I walked to the elevators and stepped on. Right before the door closed a young black girl stepped in. She was not wearing a mask. I usually would just get off, but decided to say something. “You are supposed to be wearing a mask.” She didn’t seem pleased with my comment. Maybe I was being judged again for being white but I didn’t care. Wearing a mask and social distancing is not a racial matter. My social conduct has shifted and guess what, I’m okay with it.

My paranoia is at an all time high. This morning I went to take my Vespa out for a ride to charge the battery, so it won’t die on me, and I was alone on the elevator when it stopped on the third floor. Right before the doors opened I heard someone on the other side of the door let out a lough wet cough. I immediately panicked on what to do when the doors opened. Do I risk running out of the elevator and possibly be exposed to droplets in the air, or stay on the elevator and try and stand facing the wall as far away as possible – which would still not be 6 feet apart.

When the elevator opened there stood an elderly man with a cane wearing an old mask. I decided to make a run for it, and darted out of the elevator praying that given the circumstances that would be the better option. I even briefly closed my eyes in the event that should there be droplets in the air they wouldn’t pass through my eyelids. I pretty much could have run straight into a wall but I was in flight mode.

Yes, he was wearing a mask, but masks don’t guarantee that you will not be exposed, it just lowers the chances. I continued to take the stairs to the basement to take out my bike and on my way back I was driving through the alley and saw that same man walking along and thought is this person homeless? Does he even live in my building? I live in Downtown LA and this particular alley always has chronic homeless people, drug dealers, and feces smeared on the pavement, but it’s the only way to get access to the garage. I never see residents walking in the alley for it is not the safest place, and not somewhere you would want to hang around.

When I got home, I washed my face and my hands and even sprayed my face with antibacterial and antivirus cleaner up my nose and around my eyes like a lunatic. I opened up my computer and start Googling information on symptoms, masks, droplets, and discovered there are different types of Coronavirus coughs. There are dry ones and phlegm ones, and I really start to panic. Then I read that if you wear a mask and cough the droplets can travel inches away versus if you don’t wear a mask then they can travel up to 12 feet. Now I’m thinking did I walk right through the cough droplets in my desperate attempt to flee the scene? Or would they travel in the air if I chose to stay in the elevator? Neither options were optimistic, and now I think my decision to run was maybe not the best one. I don’t know.

What I do know is I have done everything to avoid being exposed. I follow all the rules. It’s not my fault that I was presented with this dilemma and really nothing I can do about it, so stressing over it is only going to make matters worse. But that doesn’t change the fact that I find myself beating myself up for even taking the elevator to begin with. I’ve been on the elevator before with people that walk on without a mask and just hold my breath, but running into a cough – literally – is a whole other level.

From now on, I’ll take the stairs. I. might even start wearing goggles along with a fresh mask. I’ve learned my lesson, and according to my copious Google searches, I now have 5-6 days to see if I was infected.

GREAT!

Photo by aarontait

It has happened to me twice now, so I have to ask myself – what do you do when a manly man cries?

Recently a friend of mine broke down crying talking about issues from his childhood. I had never seen him cry before, and when I saw tears brewing in his eyes, I thought just to respect his manhood and pretend it was not happening.  I was sitting in a chair across the room and thought to just let him cry on his own. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable showing emotion so just decided to continue the conversation like everything was normal.

When my other friend had a painful surgery in the hospital, and I spent the night on a couch with him, I heard his discomfort and decided to just sit there and let him go through it. I remember feeling confused and uncertain of what he would want my response to be, and felt turmoil not knowing what to do.

In bother situations I was conflicted. Do I get up, do I  walk over, do I give a him hug, or human touch, or let them tough it out on their own, and allow them to handle it their way in the best way that they know how cause I’ve never seen a manly man cry, and I don’t know what they would want my response to be in that situation.

A manly man that cries most likely cries alone for the most part, but if they do it in person you almost want to respect their vulnerability and not exasperate the situation with showing a loving physical response. You don’t want to intrude on their moment of emotional or physical pain, cause it’s almost a sacred moment to be there with them and experience it with them.

When I was growing up, I had a girlfriend that always came over and hugged me when I was in distress, or sad, or crying, or experiencing some sort of pain. I always admired her ability to quickly respond so naturally and almost as if of course that is what you do when someone you love cries in front of you. In those times, I was grateful for that human touch, and outreach of affection.

Oddly, in these situations, I had an opportunity to embrace these manly men, yet decided to sit back and let them go through whatever emotions or pain they were experiencing on their own, cause that’s how you handle a manly man. At least at the time that is what I thought. I was wrong.

Since this has happened to me twice now looking forward, I think I’ll adapt the response of my friend from childhood who walked over and touched me, soothed me, and showed a physical human touch of affection. I sit here today and regret my response to both situations, but I find it interesting that somehow I thought being distant and allowing the manly man to cry from afar was somehow how we would want it.

Next time a manly man cries in front of me I will get up, walk over, and embrace them. I guess I’ll find out if that is the appropriate response, but not reaching out just doesn’t seem right. If any manly men out there have any input on this please let me know. What would you like me to do when you break down and cry in front of me? Do I pretend it’s not happening, or do I give you a hug?

As we head into Fourth of July Holiday weekend there are going to be BBQ’s and gatherings and it brings attention to the debate over social distancing. There has been a lot of discussions and controversy over people who wear masks, or people who don’t wear masks, and people who practice social distancing, and those that don’t practice social distancing. This weekend may pose a challenge for those of us that want to socialize, yet want to maintain social distancing as well. The challenge can be when your friends don’t adhere to social distancing. In my life it has started to effect my friendships.

Last weekend two of my friends wanted to come Downtown and hang out. One of them was on his way to a restaurant that just re-opened and the other was on his way to a bar, and I found myself in a dilemma. It all started over a week ago when another one of my friends called me from another state where she was vacationing, and I was surprised to hear that she got on a plane and was in a high risk state with her family. I try my best not to judge people, but I couldn’t hide my surprise at her decision to leave her home state and fly to another state for a vacation. I told her I was surprised that she went and felt push back like she didn’t want to hear it. That’s fine. You do you and I’ll do me, but in this recent situation over the weekend, I found myself thinking I don’t want to hang out with friends that aren’t socially distancing themselves, or don’t wear a mask. So when my friends wanted to hand out I didn’t know if I should lie and just say I was busy, or be honest and say I wasn’t comfortable being around a friend knowing they are not taking recommended steps to better ensure safety from the Corona virus.

Then when I thought about the response my friend had when I expressed concern for her traveling on a plane and thought maybe it was best to just lie, however, after giving it more thought I was like no. I’m not going to lie cause you might not want to hear that I don’t want to be in your presence if you haven’t been responsibly cautious. I’m not going to pretend I’m okay with their decision to behave in a manner that I deem irresponsible. I’m not going to lie to avoid a conversation that they might not be having with their other friends either.

So I decided to tell the truth. Well, I texted the truth which said the numbers of infected people have risen and I am more comfortable staying home alone and isolating. I didn’t pass any judgement on whatever they were doing, but I made it about me which I think was the right thing to do. Did it hurt their feelings? Well, both of those friends think the pandemic is a hoax to begin with, and foster conspiracy theories which I try to ignore and do what I can not to engage in any such conversations for I find them ridiculous, but if that is their story, their take on the pandemic, and their understanding of the situation, I’m not here to persuade them otherwise. I am also not here to put myself at risk.

Sorry, but not sorry. You can’t come over. We are not getting together in person. We can talk over the phone or text but that’s it. I’m practicing social distancing from my friends to practice what I believe I need for myself, and I hope others that are in this situation with friends and/or family do what’s best for them and exercise some self preservation. I hope people take precaution over this Holiday weekend, and should you find yourself in a awkward social distance situation with regards to your friends you can either lie or tell the truth. It’s up to you.