This can be particularly poignant in romantic relationships. For example:

• • You feel sizzling chemistry but doubt your partner will be a good long-term match
  • Your partner seems great on paper but you just don’t feel the romance
  • Your heart’s desire is ambivalent or unavailable
  • You fall in love only to discover serious red flags

Heart-head conflicts can feel paralyzing. Wait too long to decide and the opportunity may pass, perhaps forever. Rush in too soon and you may overlook crucial information.

Do you tend to trust your intellect or your emotions? Here are two online quizzes that may help you identify which is primary for you: Quiz 1, Quiz 2

Your heart can encourage you to take risks. Without risk, growth is impossible. Your heart can lead you to passion and beauty which logic could never predict. Yet sometimes when the heart wants what it wants, denial and impulsiveness can override sound judgment. The heart can be idealistic yet it can also be naive, casting off rational thinking.

Your head can anticipate consequences that your heart may miss or minimize. Logical thought and perspective can alert you to unwise risks, protecting you from possible harm. Yet the mind can also be a naysayer, serving up self-doubt and cynicism that may keep you from adventures that could prove to be your most cherished. Often-times our thinking can be pedantic or rigid and lead us to overlook what matters most.

“You’ll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.”
– George Michael

If you are stuck, take a moment and think about which sense you tend to embrace more naturally: feelings or thoughts. When you feel stuck, it may be good idea to consult your lesser-used inner ally.

For example, if you tend to favor logic, let yourself tune into your feelings. Remember, feelings are not facts. They don’t have to make sense. Rather, feelings are information from a less linear aspect of yourself.

Emotional intelligence is every bit as important as mental intelligence. Try just sitting and noticing what you are feeling.

If you find it hard to identify feelings, referring to a feeling wheel, list, or chart may help.

On the other hand, if you usually go straight to feelings, let yourself tune into your thoughts. Observing thoughts may feel much different than consulting your feelings. You have a mind for a reason. Follow the path of your thinking. While you do so, let your feelings just pass by.

“There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.”
– Theodore Roosevelt

It may also be helpful to take stock of your history. Think about times when your thoughts may have led you astray. Then think about times when your thoughts served up wisdom which may have changed your life or protected you from harm.

By the same token, think about times your heart has led you down the wrong path. Then recall times when your heart led you to adventures of a lifetime, taking risks and pursuing passions that came to define who you are.

When you feel stuck in a head-heart conflict, perhaps the answer is not to choose between head and heart but instead take from the best each has to offer.

Our minds generate between 12,000 and 70,000 thoughts a day — as many as two billion thoughts a lifetime. Yet a large number of our thoughts are meaningless, inaccurate or nonsensical. One study suggested that 95 percent of our thoughts are repetitive, 80 percent of our thoughts are negative, and 85% of what we worry about never happens.

So how can you touch into your deepest wisdom among all this automatic thinking?

Your may experience your deepest wisdom as an adult self, a self-cherishing perspective, your wise voice, or some other term. It is often a voice of calm, a voice that may speak more softly than most of what rushes past us served up by busy minds. It is a voice of reflection, of experience. It may be a voice you internalized from a wise parent, elder, teacher or role model.

Your deep wisdom watches out for you, not with hysterics or Henny Penny warnings, but by offering the long view. Your wise brain sees potential consequences and asks you if that is what you really want. Remember this voice. Make note of how it sounds and how it feels in your body.

Then, turn to your heart. Our hearts beat roughly 115,000 times a day — 3 billion beats in our lifetimes. The heart emits an electrical field 60 times greater in amplitude than the activity in the brain and an electromagnetic field 5,000 times stronger that of the brain.

Take a few moments — perhaps even putting your hand over your heart if you like — to listen to your deep heart voice. This may be a presence you call spirit, the undefended heart, the voice of love, or soul. This is beyond any particular emotion; it is the source of your emotions.

“Only do what your heart tells you.”
– Princess Diana

Like the wise brain, your deep heart may feel like a deep, slow moving river. This heart is guided by your values. It knows right from wrong, not in a moralistic sense but as in what is right and wrong for you. The deep heart sometimes whispers, other times speaks with authority.

When you have an head-heart conflict, try fostering a conversation between the wise brain and deep heart. You can do this by visualizing it, writing or speaking a dialogue, even writing with both hands, using the dominant hand to write the mind’s voice and your non-dominant hand to speak your heart. Let it flow. Don’t edit or judge. See what emerges. Take your wise brain and deep heart with you on a walk or run, and just listen.

If you have made a list of pros and cons about a decision facing you, go down the list and tune in your deep feeling voice. Then do so again consulting your wise mind. Listen, as you read, for any advice or wisdom each voice may offer.

When it comes to romance, what to do about head-heart conflicts?

If you doubt your partner is a good long-term match despite great chemistry, ask yourself:

• How will I feel a year from now if I haven’t moved on?
• Will I regret staying and thereby delaying finding someone with whom I could have it all?
• Are my doubts based on evidence, such as things in past relationships which haven’t worked for me?

“Trust your gut,” as people advise. Whether you experience gut as intuition or a physical sense, for many it is a deep knowing that is not necessarily linear or logical. We know something but we don’t know why or can’t explain how we know. Sometimes the gut saves us and guides us. Sometimes, as when feeling anxiety or depression, it may be hard to differentiate between the gut’s intuition and anxious thoughts or depressed moods.

If you are with someone who has everything you’ve wanted but you don’t feel a romantic connection, ask yourself:

• Am I trying to force something here out of loneliness, fear I won’t find someone, or fear of hurting the other person?
• Am I falling victim to “shoulds” when love is not a feeling we can force to happen?
• Am I being too critical, perhaps out of fear or unresolved grief from a past relationship loss?
• Can I imagine any real person who would be good enough for me right now?

Love is either present or it isn’t. If it is not present, perhaps it is time to let a relationship go — or give yourself some time before making any deeper commitment.

If you are pursuing someone who is ambivalent or unavailable, ask yourself why.

Are you afraid of being alone? Do you see this person as the solution to all your problems? No one other than yourself can make you feel whole. Fantasy may be fun but the world is full of wonderful, available partners. You deserve to have someone who wants you as much as you want them.

Is it possible that a partner who is ambivalent is simply afraid and needs time to work their issues before being able to commit to you? If so, you have the choice to stay and see what happens, or to take your leave, perhaps inviting the other person to contact you if or when they work things out. Either way you no longer feel like the victim.

If you discover disturbing aspects to your partner such as an untreated addiction, a record of lying, or a checkered relationship history, pay attention. If you have a history of seeking relationships with such issues, you need a compelling reason for you to stay or you are likely to repeat an unhappy history.

Assess whether your partner is willing and committed to getting help; whether he or she takes responsibility for his or her past and challenges. It is possible your partner may be a diamond in the rough, but you owe it to yourself to keep your eyes open. What do you want right now? What are the long-term consequences? Maturity means balancing both.

In matters of love, being either cold-hearted or hard-headed is unlikely to lead to a satisfying relationship.

Perhaps the best approach is to be hard-nosed about being soft-hearted.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:

Head-heart woman:  Bunditinay/Shutterstock
Racing mind and racing heart:  Snezhana Togol/Shutterstock
Pondering woman:  Metamor works/Shutterstock

You may feel confused, frustrated and lonely. But you are not a victim.

The first step is to assess whether your partner’s ambivalence and commitment-avoidance is baked in to their character and personality, or whether it stems from temporary circumstances.

Signs that a partner’s holding back and hesitancy to commit are long-standing and may be unlikely to change include the following:

Your partner . . .

• Has a history of only short relationships
• Seems endlessly torn, confused, or uncertain about what he or she wants in a relationship
• Talks about freedom, space, and independence far more than intimacy and connection
• Is overly picky and critical
• Is a vague or poor communicator about relationship issues
• Is stingy with affection or reassurance
• Resists letting you know her or his schedule
• Resists making plans with you more than a few days ahead
• Resists using romantic labels such as “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”
• Doesn’t want to be sexually exclusive
• Resists including you in activities involving her or his family and friends
• Finds it difficult to say they love you even though they use the L-word freely with friends and family
• Is erratic or unpredictable

Many commitment-phobic people, deep down, actually want intimacy and connection but may not know how to achieve it. Or they may have such strong anxieties that it is nearly impossible for them to avoid putting on the brakes. Or they may have an avoidant style. (See my blog on signs of an avoidant or unavailable partner.)

But you have to decide if it is worth it to open your heart to someone who may never reciprocate. A perpetual half-in, half-out stance from a partner can lead to a world of hurt.

On the other hand, some of the above signs may be present with a partner who isn’t a true commitment-phobe but is influenced by temporary situations.

For example, someone with recent multiple emotional losses or who is fresh out of a long relationship may be wisely hesitant to commit quickly. A partner who is under significant stress or who was deeply hurt or betrayed in a previous relationship may want to take sufficient time to build up the trust necessary for a commitment.

If your partner has experienced losses, betrayal, or a recent break-up, AND is willing to talk about this and even seek help if necessary, this is a positive sign.

If you assess that a partner’s ambivalence is situational, not characterological, here are several things you can do to take care of yourself if you want a deeper connection than your partner is willing or able to offer in the short term.

• Be aware if anxiety is taking you away from yourself, and return to a healthy sense of who you are
• Be willing to take the long view. You may not get what you want for some time, but if the person seems worth it, hang in there. Don’t feel the need to make a decision prematurely.
• Don’t play the role of therapist with your partner
• Don’t pressure your partner or try to solve their dilemma for them
• Avoid numbing or self-defeating behaviors
• Seek company and comfort in other people and activities so that you have a full life and aren’t just waiting around for time with your partner
• Realize that a relationship, no matter how important, is only one aspect of your life. You are more than your relationship.
• Use a partner’s hesitancy to go deeper as an opportunity to evaluate the relationship. Is this person really for you? Are you staying simply to win the person over or to avoid being alone?
• Decide what your essential needs are in the relationship and ask for them to be met.
• Really listen to what your partner is saying and seek to clarify anything you are uncertain about. For example, there is a difference between someone sharing fears with you vs. saying they don’t want to be with you.
• Be willing to let go and leave if it is too costly to stay. Sometimes you have to let someone you love go. They may or may not come back.
• Listen to your partner with respect and compassion. If they are giving clear signals that they aren’t ready, or their feelings are unclear, accept that.
• Recognize if the relationship plays into an old script such as that you are unworthy or unlovable, can’t have a good relationship, or will always be left. Recognize that our scripts are history, not destiny.
• Know that when people are afraid, they may say or do things that don’t accurately express how they feel.
• As an experiment, try being less available to your partner.
• Think about establishing a deadline, which you may or may not disclose to your partner, about how long you will accept the ambivalence or live in limbo.
• Recognize you cannot control or change your partner’s feelings. Any one person can end a relationship at any time.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:

Ambivalent couple back to back by photographee.eu
Running from shadow by rudall30
Self care by Arthur Szczybylo

In my 25 years as a couples counselor I’ve been privileged to work with hundreds of couples, old and young, straight and gay, and of various socioeconomic and religious backgrounds.

As I have worked with them to heal and strengthen relationships — and sometimes to help couples part ways in the most humane fashion possible — these couples have taught me priceless lessons about what makes for great relationships.

In Part One of this two-part blog I shared 10 of the most valuable lessons I have learned. Here are 10 more.

1) Stop Waiting

If you are waiting for your partner to go first — to make up after a fight, plan an adventure or let you know you are loved — stop waiting and take the first step yourself. I have seen couples wait each other out right into divorce court.

It doesn’t matter who goes first if it leads to greater connection. Reach out and speak from your heart. Vulnerability can melt barriers and end arguments.

2) There Are No “Wrong” Feelings

Feelings do not have to be justified. Neither you nor your partner choose your feelings, though you can choose what you do with them. If you or your partner feels sad, mad, afraid, joyful or anything else, none of those feelings are wrong. Feelings provide valuable information and can spark communication.

Feelings roll through us like dynamic weather patterns. All feelings, pleasant or unpleasant, will pass. Blocking or denying them puts you at odds with yourself or your partner and can make difficult feelings linger longer.

Don’t say:  “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “That emotion makes no sense.”
Do say:  “Tell me more” or “I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me.”

3) If You Find Yourself Stuck in Arguments about Little Things, Look Deeper

Repeated unresolved arguments often are about core relationship questions such as, Are you there for me? Do you love and accept me? Can I count on you? Is it safe to give you my heart? Can I trust you?

Whether your relationship is four weeks or four decades old, these fundamental questions are at the heart of intimate connection. Give voice to these questions and you have a conversation that can transform you and your relationship.

4) Ask, Don’t Tell

Don’t expect mind-reading. This is a hard one for some of us but as much as you might wish that your partner can read your mind or that you could know theirs, it is not possible. Don’t tell your partner what he or she is thinking or feeling.  If you wonder what your partner is thinking, ask. If you want your partner to know something, say it.

5) Words Matter

Every harsh or thoughtless word strikes your partner’s heart. In truth, it also hurts your heart to speak unkindly to someone you love.

By the same token, every kind or appreciative word warms and heals both your hearts. As my mother used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Generally underneath harsh words is a fear or hurt of your own. Voice that, don’t act it out. Vulnerability is the golden ticket in intimate relationships.

6) Have High Hopes, High Standards, and Low Expectations

Your partner is not perfect. You’re not either. You married a person, not a fantasy. Optimism and high standards are wonderful. Unrealistic expectations are a prescription for disappointment.

7) Conflict Is Not Bad

Over the course of a relationship you will disagree on things. Accept that some of these disagreements will never be resolved. When you don’t see eye to eye, compromise, adjust or simply let it go. Agree to disagree. Nearly all couples, even happy couples, have conflicts. Avoiding all conflict can stifle love and intimacy.

8) Don’t Say “Always” or “Never” Unless You Want an Argument

If you hear the words “always” or “never,” take it as an indication that your partner feels strongly about what they are saying, not that the “always” or “never” statement is factually correct.

Don’t say:  “That’s not true, I did that just yesterday so you can’t say never.”
Do say:  “It sounds like you feel very strongly about this. I want to understand your feelings and try to make things better. Can you tell me more?”

9) Make Time for Sex

Partners can have a wide range of desires and libido but research shows a multitude of benefits from regular sex in a relationship. Couples that have sex at least once a week report viewing their partner and/or the relationship more positively than couples that have sex less than once a week. These benefits are even higher when sex includes the feeling of affection and being cherished.

Sex also offers a host of health benefits including lower blood pressure, lower incidence of prostate cancer for men, better bladder control for women, better sleep and heart health for both. Though many of us live busy lives, think of all the things you make time for daily or weekly. For greater relationship satisfaction, make sex one of them.

Don’t:  Use sex as a weapon or reward.
Do:  Be open to being sexual even if you don’t feel it at the moment.

10) There is No Autopilot for a Good Relationship

Your intimate relationship is a living, sacred entity, jointly created.  Like building a career or raising a child, relationships take attention, prioritizing, compromise and love.

In healthy relationships you may need to do things that you don’t feel like doing for the good of the relationship or your partner. Protect, nurture, and grow your relationship and it can protect, nurture and grow you.

Don’t:  Take your partner or your relationship for granted.
Do:  Spend time together. Find ways to regularly inject spontaneity and novelty.

This is the second of a two-part series on secrets of a great relationship. You can read Part One here.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:
Happy piggyback couple by Carly Rae Hobbins
Sunset couple by Icsnaps
Yogic couple by Zolotarevs
Heart finger couple by FreeBird Photos

“Love guards the heart from the abyss.”

I’ve had the privilege in my 25 years as a couples counselor of working with hundreds of couples. They’ve been old and young, straight and gay, and of various socioeconomic and religious backgrounds.

As I have worked with them to heal and strengthen their relationships — and sometimes to help them part ways in the most humane fashion possible — these couples have taught me priceless lessons about what makes for great relationships.

Here are 10 of the most valuable lessons I have learned:

1) The Biggest Thing Missing in Many Relationships Is Listening

We all need to be heard. Sometimes we feel uncertain or confused, need to vent or complain, or want to express fear or longings. Letting your partner speak and feel heard can do wonders. When listening, give your partner the gift of your attention and focus.

When your partner is speaking, don’t interrupt, refute, roll your eyes, or play devil’s advocate. Instead, encourage with an open gaze, nod, or use phrases such as “I understand” or “Tell me more.” Ask open-ended, deepening questions, like “What part of your day did you like the best?” or “How did that experience affect you?”

2) All Relationships Need Three Things: Love, Trust and Mutual Respect

Build love by expressing it. You can never say “I love you” too often.

Build trust by delivering what you promise, or don’t make the promise.

Build respect by finding the good in your partner and savoring it.

Don’t:  Fight with or put your partner down in public.
Do:  Compliment and support your partner in public.

3) Blaming and Defensiveness Are Enemies of Your Relationship

You are a team. Your partner is not the enemy. Blame is a dead end. When we are hurt, disappointed, afraid or frustrated we often look for something or someone to blame. But blame is different than responsibility. You are responsible for your actions. You cannot make your partner take responsibility; they must do it for themselves. Both partners contribute to relationship challenges just as both contribute to what’s good about the relationship.

Don’t:  Call names or assign fault.
Do:  Start sentences on sensitive topics with “I” (which connotes ownership) not “You” (which can connote blame).

4) Healthy Relationships Are 60-60, Not 50-50

Scorekeeping and tit-for-tat arguments are corrosive to relationships. Relationships are not always equally balanced. Sometimes you give more, sometimes you get more. If you fixate on the scorecard you are likely to be less generous and more suspicious.

This doesn’t mean you should accept a one-way relationship. But love is generous, not stingy. Love does not keep score. Love is not concerned with payback. Let yourself give more than half of what it takes. Take more than half the responsibility. Compromise more than half the time. Stop worrying about things being equal.

Ask yourself: Am I willing to give more to my partner if it will bring harmony, contentment and love? Am I willing to give more than I take? This doesn’t mean you always have to, but being willing works wonders.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
–Lao Tzu

5) Apologies Are Good Medicine

Hurting your partner, even unintentionally, is eventually going to happen. That’s why apologies are essential in healthy relationships. They can allow tender wounds to heal. People differ in terms of what makes apologies most meaningful. For some it is expressing remorse, offering to make amends or simply saying the words “I am sorry.” This online test may help you identify what kind of apology is most meaningful to you and your partner.

6) Don’t Use Date Nights to Discuss Relationship Problems

Date nights are for having fun and and building intimacy. Make a separate time to discuss problems. How far would your relationship have progressed if on every one of your first five dates you talked about what wasn’t working between you?

7) Be Affectionate

Hugging and kissing are gifts. While there is a wide range of how much people express physical affection, more couples get too little rather than too much physical affection.

Physical affection bonds you with your partner, heals wounds and makes the body and heart healthier. Want proof? See this thermal imaging video of what happens in your body when you hug or kiss your partner.

8) Do at Least One of These Every Day

Hold hands. Laugh. Make your partner laugh. Give unexpected gifts and compliments. Say “please” and “thank you.” Express gratitude for your partner and the relationship.

9) Say “I’m Done” or “I Want a Divorce” a Maximum of One Time in Your Relationship

These phrases are nuclear options that put a relationship into question. When a relationship is in question, couples’ ability to work out problems and communicate declines and anxiety skyrockets. If threatening to end a relationship is not meant literally but said out of frustration, this reduces trust and safety.

Instead, say what you are feeling, such as hurt, angry, afraid, lonely or neglected, rather than putting the relationship on a cliff.

10) Remember: Your Partner Is More Rare Than One in a Million

Don’t take your partner for granted. You picked him or her out of seven billion people. Intimate relationships are sacred. If you look, you may find spirit, god, the meaning of life — or even yourself — from gazing into the eyes of your partner.

This is the first part of a two-part series on secrets of a great relationship. You can read Part Two here.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:
Happy couple with knit hats by Daniel Silva Gaxiola
Couple in snowy meadow by Christine Donaldson
Couple on beach by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya
Thermal image from WebMD

People who on paper should give us everything we want may leave us feeling flat. Yet someone who seems wildly inappropriate or unlike anyone we think we would want may spark intense fireworks.

One prominent view of mate selection, based in evolutionary psychology, is that we are genetically wired to choose partners who will give us the best opportunity to propagate and pass on our genes.

In this view, males tend to seek women who show signs of good fertility, to maximize the chances of healthy offspring. Thus men instinctively look for women who display youth and physical attractiveness.

One sign of this is a much-researched preference of men in Western cultures to prefer women with a waist-hip ratio as close as possible to .7 — that is, a waist size 70 percent the size of hips. This “hourglass figure” ratio can be present on a woman of any size and can be a measure of fertility and health.

Females, evolutionary psychology posits, seek mates who can provide resources to maximize the chances that children will grow up with the most advantages. Thus women instinctively seek men who display intelligence, competence and ambition or who possess wealth or power.

Women also seem drawn to physical strength, possibly as an evolutionary indicator of the ability to protect them and their offspring. Thus women tend to be attracted to men with broader shoulders and a waist-hip ratio as close as possible to .9.

But what about mate preference at different ages, in various cultures, of different sexual orientations, or among people who are not seeking to have children with a mate? The research varies, though some evolutionary psychologists would argue that this drive is hard-wired in all of us.

Others suggest that a sort of “exchange theory” drives mate selection. In this view, we evaluate a mix of factors to size up a potential mate with an eye to getting a good “deal” based on our values and aspirations.

Another theory is that we seek mates who will make us feel better about ourselves and improve how we are seen by others.

Still others, such as Imago therapist Harville Hendrix, suggest that we may be drawn at least unconsciously to a potential mate that reminds us of one or both of our parents or chief caregivers. We may pick people like a parent because it is familiar. However, if parents showed love poorly or inconsistently, we may be drawn to people who are not good for us.

Another take on this view is that we are unconsciously drawn to work things out that didn’t work so well in childhood, hoping for a different outcome that allows us to heal our pasts.

Regardless of the theory, research has shown several consistent factors in mate selection.

• We tend to pick people close to our self-assessment of our own attractiveness and desirability
• We value people who are similar to us
• We value physical attractiveness and status
• We value people who live or work close by
• Women tend to have higher standards than men
• Men tend to prefer women of their own age down to five years younger, while women tend to prefer men of their own age up to five years older.
• We especially value the following characteristics in potential mates:

1) Warmth and kindness
2) Sincerity
3) Intellectual openness
4) Dependability
5) Conscientiousness
6) Loyalty
7) Altruism
8) Likeliness of being a good parent
9) Emotional stability
10) Companionability

Of course these are tendencies based on research with large groups and don’t necessarily match any one individual’s preferences.

Mate selection can also be influenced by supply and demand. In locations with a significant disparity in number of available mates of one’s desired gender, partner selection can become either far more selective or lead people to settle for a less desirable partner than they had hoped.

Individual circumstances, goals and psychology also influence timing and choice of mates. For example, we may feel lonely and desperate, influenced by peer or family pressure to find a mate or in a hurry due to a “biological clock.”

While biology, economics and psychology all may influence our choices with or without our awareness, in most cultures in the 21^st century we have greater choice of mates than during most of history. Thus, many people seeking mates today have the opportunity to choose with awareness, thus increasing the chances of finding a good partner.

One way of doing this is to tally what you do and don’t want in your primary partner.

The 10 characteristics listed above that people prefer is a good place to start. Evolutionary psychology researcher David Buss developed a checklist  to rank factors in potential partner selection. Others have created “Must have/Can’t stand” or “Soul mate” lists.

You can develop a list of your own using a body of knowledge you likely already possess — your experience of past relationships and friendships. To do this, think about significant relationships to date and tally those qualities and traits you have least liked and most appreciated.

I suggest that in addition to thinking about preferences such as age, looks, status and shared interests, you pay special attention to a person’s character, as this does not tend to change over a lifetime.

Here is a sample “Red Flag/Green Light” list based on character traits. You can adapt this in accordance with your unique values:

Possible Red Flag/Green Light Qualities in Partners

• Critical vs. Supportive
• Undependable vs. Reliable
• Self-absorbed vs. Attentive
• Abusive vs. Loving
• Intolerant vs. Accepting
• Unfaithful vs. Loyal
• Demanding vs. Tolerant
• Lacking empathy vs. Good listener
• Disrespectful vs. Considerate
• Refuses to take responsibility vs. Self-aware and responsible
• Possessive vs. Respectful
• Controlling vs. Cooperative
• Dishonest vs. Trustworthy
• Uncommunicative vs. Transparent and communicative
• Cold or harsh vs. Warm and kind
• Rigid or closed-minded vs. Open to learning, growth and new experiences
• Unable to laugh or experience joy vs. Playful and creative

In addition, similar styles of communication, sexual compatibility, similar desires regarding parenting, and similar preferences for amount of intimacy and closeness all can strengthen a long-term relationship.

Furthermore, how you feel around a potential mate tells you a lot. If you feel you are walking on eggshells as opposed to feeling you can just be yourself, pay attention.

And needless to say, picking someone who is emotionally available and unencumbered will avoid a lot of heartache when seeking a mate.

Of course, few people or relationships possess all these qualities so you may wish to prioritize the most important qualities to avoid and seek and keep those front and center in your search.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:
Loving couple by Monkey Business Images
Couple in redwoods by Jose Escobar
Lesbian couple by Abo Ngalonkulu
Senior couple by Pasja1000
Beach wedding couple by StockSnap

How can you tell whether you are creating authentic love with another person as opposed to falling in love with love?

Both love and love addiction can be exciting and life-changing. The beginning phase of romantic love, even in healthy relationships, can feel exhilarating and sometimes bring mood, cognitive, and neurobiological changes similar to those induced by drugs.

But if you know what to look for, there are clear signs that distinguish love addiction from authentic love.

The following table lists 30 differences between love addiction and authentic love. Not all of these characteristics are present in every relationship.

You may wish to think about a current or past relationship and note whether that relationship has more characteristics of love addiction or healthier love.

Characteristics of Love Addiction	Characteristics of Healthier Love
• The relationship is based on need	• The relationship is based on desire
• Your relationship is driven by feeling incomplete or flawed without a partner	• Your relationship is based on feeling sufficient and whole with or without a partner
• Your relationship is based on who you want the other person to be	• Your relationship is based on who the other person is
Chemistry is the top priority in the beginning	Chemistry is one among several priorities
• Your life becomes about the relationship	• The relationship enhances your goals and commitments for your life
• You fall in love with love	• You fall in love with a person
• You seek to rescue or be rescued	• You seek a relationship between equal, capable individuals
• You fail to set healthy boundaries	• You insist on healthy boundaries
• You look outward for another to fix, fill or complete you	• Your love flows from inside, based on feelings of sufficiency
• You may have one or more people lined up in case the current relationship ends	• You focus on the relationship without needing a ready replacement should it end
• You find emotionally unavailable or abusive partners	• You find emotionally available partners who treat you well
You idealize the other person but then devalue him or her when the idealizations wear thin	You have a balanced view of your partner’s strengths and weaknesses
• You may use excessively seductive behavior to attract or keep a partner	• Your sex life is an expression of an authentic connection with your partner
• You hide or ignore aspects of yourself or your partner that you fear could jeopardize the connection	• You accept parts of yourself and your partner that you don’t like, and strive for awareness and transparency
• You have overwhelming fantasies or obsessive thinking about the relationship which help avoid feelings of emptiness within	• You experience an active presence of a loved one in daily thoughts that stem from a bond of connection
• You use romance or sex like a drug to feel good and avoid feeling bad	• You see romance and sex as an expression of your love
You downplay your needs for fear of driving away your partner	You attend to your needs as well as your partner’s, knowing that both must be met for a healthy relationship
• You ignore, deny or tolerate dysfunctional behavior, loss of self esteem, and self-sabotaging behavior to avoid losing the relationship	• You know that healthy relationships can be difficult or painful and involve compromise but do not include self-sabotage or risky behaviors
• You shower your partner with affection and attention to compensate for the lack of love you experienced in early life	• You offer and receive love not as compensation for what you didn’t get earlier in life but as an expression of your healthiest self
• You neglect life responsibilities to pursue relationship dreams	• You integrate your relationship with other responsibilities in a healthy balance
• You have rapid and inappropriate self-disclosure in an attempt to feel extremely close	• Your self-disclosure deepens with time and trust
• You look to your relationship or partner to make you feel whole, worthy, valuable and sufficient	• Your relationship is an expression of feeling whole, worthy, valuable and sufficient
• You tolerate excessive dysfunction, chaos or pain in relationships for fear of being alone	• You do not tolerate excessive dysfunction, chaos or pain
You overlook warning signs and red flags for fear of being disappointed or left	You address warning signs to determine whether the relationship can be made healthier
• You often feel jealous, possessive or a life-or-death quality of maintaining the relationship	• You may feel envy or jealousy at times but these do not become matters of survival
• You believe you can only be happy and have your life work if you find the right person	• You take responsibility for pursuing happiness regardless of whether you are in a relationship
• You have a pattern of rarely being without a relationship	• You are able to tolerate being single if no appropriate partner is available
• You frequently fall in love quickly and repeatedly	• Your love may develop quickly or slowly but not capriciously
• You avoid assessing whether a partner is a healthy, long-term match for fear of losing chemistry	• You look deeply and think long term knowing that you deserve a healthy, lasting relationship
• You feel your life would not be worth living without an intimate partner	• You know that many aspects of life combine to make life worth living

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:
Kissy couple by Antonio Guillem
Heart with noose by BSK
Broken heart by Walter Groesel

If you and your partner are stuck in repeated arguments that leave you both feeling not heard, it may be because you have different attachment styles.

It’s estimated that half of all adults have an insecure attachment style that can lead to either a pursuing or withdrawing stance in relationships.

Part of the challenge is that people with a pursuing style and those with a withdrawing style grew up with opposite experiences. Pursuers believed that closeness equalled safety while withdrawers learned that distance provided safety.

The more the pursuing partner pushes, the more a withdrawing partner distances. This sets up a cyclical dance that is sustained by both people.

You can fill out an online checklist or take an online quiz to help you identify your attachment style and determine whether you may have a pursuer-withdrawer relationship.

Here are eight ways you can defuse a pursuer-withdrawer dance in your relationship.

1) Stop Doing What Isn’t Working

Pursuers know that chasing makes their partner run away even more, but they don’t know what else to do. Withdrawers know that distancing makes their partner chase them even harder but they don’t know what else to do.

One answer is to stop doing what doesn’t work.

For pursuers this means giving a withdrawing partner space. Chasing or pressuring won’t bring them back. If they do come back because of pressure they will do so grudgingly, which isn’t satisfying to either partner.

Instead, let your partner take space. If he needs alone time, let him have it. While he is gone, do things that take care of you. Meditate, exercise, socialize, work or play.

If your partner is committed to the relationship, he will always come back. If he isn’t committed, he is going to eventually leave anyway. You will never get your needs met in such a relationship, so better to find out and move on.

When you give withdrawing partners space they are more likely to also seek connection — perhaps not as often or in the exact ways you want — but they will come of free will, and isn’t that what you really want?

By the same token, if you have withdrawing style, it tends to be exhausting over time. A new approach may mean allowing yourself to edge closer at times. This doesn’t mean you will lose yourself or that you can’t take time or space for yourself. You may find you actually like the closeness if you let yourself experience it.

Withdrawers often find that the less they pull away, the more their pursuing partners may begin to feel more reassured and, in time, stop complaining so much. That’s a win-win.

2) Acknowledge and Appreciate your partner

In many relationships, positive messages are in short supply. We often are quick to speak up when things are wrong but not so quick to voice what is right.

When you recognize times your partner does something wonderful, how many of those times do you say anything? Acknowledgments and appreciations should be given freely, while complaints and criticisms should be shared judiciously. If the ratio in your relationship is the opposite of this, it is time to turn that around.

3) Take Stock of Your Non-verbal Communication

Much of what we communicate is done non-verbally. If your partner brings up an important topic and you are distracted, multi-tasking or failing to make eye contact, it can send the message that you don’t care.

It helps to give your partner your full attention. Turn and face your partner. Make full eye contact. Try not to fidget. Put down electronics.

4) Know That it Is Not Personal

Attachment styles are formed early in life. You cannot chose your attachment style any more than you can choose your eye color.

What you can choose, however, is how you work with your attachment tendencies and whether you allow them to harm your relationships.

Differing styles can be a challenge in a relationship. Withdrawers tend to dismiss, downplay or walk away from conflict. They may avoid emotional discussions or not even recognize when emotions are present in themselves or their partners. Pursuers, by contrast, are often keenly aware of emotions and are willing to risk conflict to address relationship problems and try to make things better.

Instead of blaming your pursuing or withdrawing partner, recognize that they are just trying to get their needs met. They are not trying to deprive or control you or make you miserable.

5) Reassure Your Partner

The pursue-withdraw cycle leaves both partners on edge. Withdrawers can become gun-shy and suspicious, worrying that they can never win and will always be in trouble. Pursuers can become burned out from feeling neglected and unimportant to their partners.

It helps withdrawers to know where pursuers are coming from. When pursuers tell their partners why they are bringing up a topic about the relationship and what they want, withdrawers can feel less like a deer in the headlights.

For example, pursuers can tell distancing partners that they love and care about them and what to be closer. That is why they are bringing up a relationship issue. It is not to criticize or change their partner.

If you are a pursuer, tell the withdrawer what you want. Perhaps you just want them to listen. Perhaps you are making a request to be considered. Perhaps you want to work together to solve a problem. Each are different conversations. It can be calming to distancers to know what is expected of them.

Similarly, withdrawers can reassure their partners by telling them that they love and need them and are not planning to abandon them, but just need some “me” time and will be back.

Withdrawers can reassure anxious partners that their intention is not to make them feel rejected or alone. They can reassure their partners that after they have had time to themselves, they will make time for their partner and for the relationship.

6) Ask, Don’t Tell

Ask for what you want instead of complaining about what you don’t have. State your needs instead of criticizing your partner for not fulfilling them.

If you lead with complaints or criticism, the conversation often goes in a destructive, fruitless direction. Instead, say what you want and ask your partner what he wants. Then talk about how you both can help each other through compromise and cooperation.

7) Take a Page From Your Partner’s Dance Steps

Pursuers focus outside themselves, seeking soothing from their partner to quiet the panic within. Withdrawers focus internally, taking care of their own needs and soothing themselves through distance from others.

These diametrically opposed styles cause misunderstandings and problems. To counteract this, pursuers can grow by occasionally doing what withdrawers do: Learning to focus inward and soothe their own fears rather than seeking reassurance from another. By the same token, withdrawers can grow by doing what comes easier to pursuers: Staying connected instead of distancing.

In the longer term, relationships can grow stronger when pursuers build a secure base within themselves and withdrawers step outside their comfort zone to connect and communicate with others.

8) Never Forget the Power of Vulnerability

Leading with vulnerability can do wonders. For example, pursuers who are feeling neglected or afraid can say “I feel lonely and want to be closer. But I also know you need your space to be happy and I want you to be happy. I just wanted you to know what I am feeling, but you don’t have to fix it. I will deal with my feelings and I will be happy to see you when you are ready.”

By the same token, withdrawers who are feeling crowded or pressured can say, “I feel scared and overwhelmed and part of me wants to go away. But I care about you and I don’t want to make you feel unwanted. Can you help me?”

Leading with vulnerability can open a constructive, win-win dialogue based in love, not fear.

This is the last in a four-part series on pursuer and withdrawer styles attachment styles in relationships. Part One covered why this cycle is a frequent problem in many relationships. Part Two explored how to identify your unique attachment style and how it may be affecting your most intimate relationships. Part Three offered seven effective ways to make your relationship closer and more satisfying, taking into account the needs of both the “pursuer” and “withdrawer.”

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:
Frustrated partner by Paul Biryukov
Nonverbal by Boris15
Comforting partner by Air Images
Dancing couples by Iakov Fililmonov

Underneath this frustrating cycle lies the differing attachment styles of partners. It’s estimated that half of all adults have an insecure attachment style that can lead to either a pursuing or distancing stance in relationships.

Pursuing partners fear rejection or abandonment, and seek reassurance from their partners through closeness and connection.

Withdrawing partners fear being controlled or crowded, and seek relief through independence and autonomy.

Here is an online quiz to help you identify if you have a pursuer-withdrawer relationship.

On some level, pursuers know that chasing a withdrawer is counterproductive. But pursuers fear that if they don’t try to increase connection it will never happen. This leaves pursuers feeling trapped in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t dynamic which can lead them to criticize their partners.

Withdrawers know on some level that the pursuer wants closeness but it can feel overwhelming or frightening to provide it. Withdrawers fear that giving in to demands for more connection will lead to losing themselves in the relationship. The withdrawer, too, feels caught in a damned-either-way dynamic: Give in and feel trapped, or resist and receive mounting criticism.

The result can be frequent conflict, a cold-war atmosphere, chaos or drama. In time, this weakens the bonds of a relationship so much that the relationship may end.

Here are seven effective ways to deal with a pursuing-withdrawing dynamic in your relationship:

1) Recognize That the Problem is the Cycle, Not Your Partner

Withdrawers tend to deny, ignore or distance from relationship problems. Pursuers tend to magnify the focus on problems. Together, they create a push-pull dance that alienates both.

To improve your relationship it helps to recognize that this cycle, not your partner, is the enemy of your relationship.

Focus on changing the dance, not on changing your partner. It helps to view problems as happening to the relationship, not to your personally. This promotes a “we” mindset rather than a “you vs. me” mindset.

2) Reckon With the Costs of the Dance

A pursuer-withdrawer cycle is costly. It leads to stress, strain, alienation, conflict, frustration and a lack of intimacy.

Few withdrawers come closer when they feel pressured or chased. By the same token, few pursuers say positive things to a partner who they feel is depriving or rejecting them. Both stances create a self-reinforcing cycle.

While it takes time and work, you can break this costly cycle. Withdrawers need to soothe their fears of engulfment, communicate and participate more with their partner, and be more transparent. Pursuers need to soothe their fears of abandonment, reality test their worst-case scenarios, and be more self-reliant.

Both individuals need to stop seeing their partners as either the problem or potential solution.

3) Honor Each Other’s Differences and Needs

Pursuers and withdrawers in the same situation can have vastly different experiences of time. For a pursuer who is desperate to discuss relationship issues, an hour talking about a relationship may provide just a taste. But to a withdrawer, an hour may feel endless and overwhelming.

By the same token, for a withdrawer, a day without contact may feel like a breath of fresh air, while to the pursuer it may feel like torture.

It helps if withdrawers reassure pursuers that there will be time to talk and spend time together. That can allow a pursuer to self-soothe.

It helps if pursuers reassure withdrawers that they can have their space, that they won’t be criticized for it, and will be welcomed when they return. This can allow a withdrawer to feel free to move closer without fearing they will lose themselves.

4) Anxiety Is the Problem, So Managing Anxiety Is the Solution

Both pursuers and withdrawers are anxious. Pursuers fear being alone and tend to believe that if only their partner would stop distancing, their anxiety would go away. Withdrawers fear being overwhelmed and tend to believe that if only their partner would stop pressuring them, their anxiety would disappear.

Deep down, both want connection, love, and to be seen and accepted for who they are.

Anxiety can bring out the worst in us, triggering primal fears and primitive coping behaviors.  In believing that the solution to the problem lies with the other person’s actions, both partners give up their power.

In truth, pursuers need to calm their anxiety by coming to know they are sufficient and okay on their own. Withdrawers need to calm their anxiety by learning that they can get close without being destroyed. These realizations give both partners the power to manage their anxiety.

5) Share Power

One helpful exercise is to agree to take turns calling the shots. For example, a couple can designate an hour, an afternoon, or a day in which one person gets to decide what they do and whether they do it together. The next hour, afternoon or day, switch roles. This way each partner can experience knowing their time will come to have their needs met.

6) Question Your Assumptions

Over time we create a narrative about our partners and relationships and tend to gather evidence to support our viewpoint.

If we see our partner as uncaring, we may grow self-protective, critical or dismissive. But what we view as uncaring behavior may simply be our partner’s style.

For example, if a withdrawer wears a new shirt and the partner asks, “When did you buy that?” the withdrawer, who may be used to feeling criticized or interrogated, may assume judgment rather than curiosity.

Instead, a pursuer could say, “I like that shirt, is that new?” The withdrawer then knows there is positive intent in the question and can relax.

By the same token, when a pursuer hears their partner say, “I am going for a run,” they may feel rejected or unwanted. But if a withdrawing partner says, “I love you. I am going for a run now. I look forward to our evening plans,” the pursuer can feel reassured.

7) Don’t Forget the Magic of Relationships

An intimate relationship is an opportunity to share your needs, fears and longings. Sharing your vulnerabilities is one of the key reasons we seek a primary partner. Don’t let the pursuer-withdrawer dance get in the way of this.

If you were raised in a dysfunctional family with insecure attachment styles, you may have inherited a win-lose, top-bottom, zero-sum-game worldview of people and relationships.

This may feel so familiar that you know no other model. However, the template for living that you inherited is not one that you must endlessly carry out.

Magic can happen when pursuers can tell their partners: “I feel vulnerable, lonely, and afraid but I know you are not the source of those feelings.”

Magic can also happen when withdrawers can say: “I feel irritable, trapped, and smothered but I know you are not the source of those feelings.”

Your relationship can achieve a much deeper level if you own and express your feelings without making your partner responsible for causing or fixing them.

This is the third part of a four-part blog on the pursuer-withdrawer cycle in relationships. Part One covers why this cycle is a frequent problem in many relationships. Part Two can help you identify your unique attachment style and how it may be affecting your most intimate relationships. Part Four offers eight more ways to get unstuck from a pursue-withdraw cycle.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits:
Couple tug of war by Jorgen McLeman
Clingy partner by Valery Sidelnyknov 
Anxious couple by Pathdoc
Cooperative couple by Vera Arsic

To get your relationship out of a rut it can be helpful to address attachment issues at the source rather than recycling the same old arguments.

The term “attachment” in psychology refers to how we view and relate to those closest to us. For example, do you tend to view your partner as a safe, loving and supportive person most of the time, or do you experience him or her as undependable, aloof, smothering, threatening or unsafe?

Part of your view of another can stem from how your partner treats you. But part of how we come to view our partners may have little to do with how they have treated us.

Attachment views can be rooted in the past. Perhaps your parent was undependable, abusive or allowed you little room to be yourself. This can create a template in later life where you expect others to do the same. Or perhaps your normally supportive present partner wasn’t there for you as you hoped at a crucial time of need. You may have silently decided that you would not depend on your partner from then on.

Having such a template may keep you on the lookout for signs that another person will not treat you well while at the same time ignoring or discounting evidence when your partner does treat you well. Either way, such experiences can cause us to hesitate to trust, get close or depend on a partner even years later.

Reckoning with attachment wounds

In relationships that have fallen into a tit-for-tat pattern or bunker mentality, it is essential to revisit attachment wounds so they can be healed.

It is virtually impossible to love for any period of time without eventually feeling let down by your partner. Nobody is perfect, nobody is a mind-reader, and sometimes we simply fail to recognize our partner’s needs and vulnerabilities. When such a failure of attunement happens at a crucial moment, such as when we feel in crisis or particularly vulnerable, it can cause an attachment wound or unconsciously retrigger earlier attachment wounds.

For example, if we are going through a health crisis and our partner throws himself into his work, we may wonder: Does he really love me? Can I count on him to be there for me in the future? Are we really a team? Does he have my back?

These questions can shake our confidence in our relationship and in our partners. Sometimes we don’t even recognize how much we are shaken until much later.

Researcher John Gottman has identified four signs that a relationship is in trouble (contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness) which can happen because of unaddressed attachment wounds.

Other signs that your relationship may be stalemated by unaddressed attachment wounds are if you find yourself increasingly:

• Reluctant to be vulnerable
• Spending more time apart
• Arguing more easily and finding it more difficult to talk calmly
• Envisioning worst-case scenarios for the relationship
• Expecting less from your partner
• Viewing your partner in negative ways
• Experiencing far more negative than positive interactions
• Fantasizing about other people, past relationships or leaving the relationship
• Complaining to others about your partner but not letting your partner know
• Feeling less trusting or emotionally safe

Of course, sometimes these feelings stem from an unhealthy relationship or untrustworthy treatment by another. In that case, it is essential to get relationship and behavior problems addressed or to move on. But if these signs stem from attachment wounds in an otherwise mostly healthy relationship, it may be helpful to seek couples therapy for assistance in healing attachment wounds that persist.

Recognizing your individual attachment style

In attachment theory, we are all somewhere on the continuum of being securely to insecurely attached. How securely we tend to attach to others depends on how we were raised, genetics, earlier relationship experiences and other factors.

It’s estimated that half the adult population is relatively securely attached. Securely attached people tend to trust and cooperate with intimate partners more easily.

The other half of the adult population is less securely attached. Less securely attached individuals may find it harder to trust and may experience relationships that have greater conflict or drama.

Here is one online tool to help you identify your attachment style. A similar online tool also helps you identify your partner’s likely style as well.

Less securely attached people may be either anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, or a combination of the two. Anxiously attached people may react to a partner’s temporary lack of attentiveness with alarm, seeing it as a sign the partner might be falling out of love, rather than simply being preoccupied or distracted.

Avoidantly attached people may react with panic to a partner who is upset about a lack of closeness, seeing it as a sign the partner is trying to control them, rather than simply a matter of your partner seeking greater intimacy. You can read more about this on my blog on 18 ways to increase intimacy and communication if one of you has an avoidant style.

Attachment styles are not wrong or bad. But a less secure attachment style can make relationships more difficult and less satisfying. The good news is that your attachment style can be softened with time and work.

This is the second part of a four-part blog on the pursuer-withdrawer cycle in relationships. Part One covers why this cycle is a frequent problem in many relationships. Part Three offers seven effective ways to make your relationship closer and more satisfying, taking into account the needs of both the “pursuer” and “withdrawer.” Part Four offers eight more ways to get unstuck from a pursue-withdraw cycle.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo credits
I’m right by MoteOo
Broken heart silhouette by Geralt
Signs by John Hain

One of the most common problematic dynamics among couples is a pursuer-withdrawer “dance.”

In my 25 years as a marriage counselor I have worked with hundreds of couples to transform this self-reinforcing, negative cycle, which is also termed “approach-avoidant” or “abandonment-engulfment” depending on a therapist’s theoretical model.

Drawing from the work of attachment theorist John Bowlby, many pioneers in marital therapy including John Gottman and Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, have written extensively about this dynamic.

The dance goes like this:

1. One partner seeks closeness. The second partner fails to respond.
2. After repeated rebuffs, the first partner comes to feel rejected, lonely, frustrated or unloved and ups the volume or ante.
3. The second partner then feels crowded, pressured, criticized or unaccepted and shuts down more or withdraws faster or farther.
4. If a couple doesn’t attend to this dynamic, this pursuer-withdrawer cycle can become chronic, leading to dissatisfaction that weakens a couple’s connection.

As you think about a current relationship — or as you review your relationship history — do you recognize being in either a pursuer or withdrawer role? You may find a pattern of being primarily in one role. Or you may find that you’ve taken a pursuer role in some relationships and a withdrawer role in others.

Because this is such a painful cycle, many partners tend to see their partner’s part in this dynamic but ignore their own role. For example, the person unsuccessfully seeking closeness may come to see their partner as commitment-phobic, cold or self-absorbed. Or the person feeling pursued views the other as insecure, clingy or demanding.

Both partners can become self-righteous. Pursuers feel they are making a stand for intimacy. Withdrawers feel they are making a stand for independence.

Healthy relationships are a blend of intimacy and independence. Couples have to be willing to make room for both closeness and distance or the result is a stalemate.

Here are two big steps that can help:

1) Recognize that the real issue is connection

We all crave connection. It is a primary need. It’s why we seek relationships in the first place. But each of us seeks connection in different ways.

When you are in conflict with your partner, remind each other that you share a goal of connection. Talk about how and when each person feels most connected.

One person may feel connected through conversation or spending quality time together. Another may feel most connected through a shared activity or physical affection.

One tool to help you identify what helps you feel most loved and connected is the free love languages test.

As you identify ways that make each of you feel closer, incorporate these into your relationship. We naturally do this at the beginning of relationships but over time our efforts to reach out can drop off. Relationships take work and upkeep.

Find ways to include paths to connection that combine both your needs. This requires give and take. If you aren’t willing to give as well as take, you might need to question whether you should be in a serious relationship at this time or with your current partner.

2) Identify the fears and desires underneath the pursuer-withdrawer cycle.

When you find yourself in an argument — whether it is about household chores or how often to visit the in-laws — recognize that many arguments are fundamentally about something deeper than the “right” way to load a dishwasher.

We all have fundamental fears in intimate relationships. These include fears of feeling:

• • Abandoned
  • Controlled
  • Unloved or unlovable
  • Unsafe
  • Not good enough
  • Not accepted
  • Not valued
  • Not respected
  • Not seen or heard

Many arguments are a reflection of one or more of these fears. If arguments focus only on chores or visits to in-laws, these underlying fears can’t get addressed. This virtually guarantees the issue will resurface in other forms.

When you find yourself locking horns with your partner, stop and ask yourself, is one or more of these fundamental fears being activated? If so, label it and own it.

For example, say “When you leave your dishes in the sink, I feel like you see me as a maid. I feel invisible, not respected and not equal. It makes me feel less close to you. Can we talk about this and find a solution that will work for both of us?” This can open the door for your partner to understand what you are really upset about and respond in kind.

This is the first of a four-part series on transforming a pursuer-withdrawer dynamic in relationships. Part Two can help you identify your unique attachment style and how it may be affecting your most intimate relationships. Part Three offers seven ways to overcome a pursue-withdraw dynamic. Part Four offers eight more ways to get unstuck from the pursue-withdraw cycle.

Copyright © Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

Photo Credits:
Avoidant partner by Cookie Studio
Deficiency and two faces graphics by John Hain
Forlorn puppy by Dgdom