1.) Do not look for inconsistencies in the story line.

■ This will make our partner feel as though they need to edit their words in their head and doing so with impact their ability to authentically express themselves. This also creates a dynamic where the facts are given far more importance than they deserve. The emotional expression is more important.

2.) Do not respond with explanations as to why they are wrong (and we are right). Do not try argue our partner out of their emotional experience.
■ Being an empathetic listener allows our partner to heal by allowing a space for an emotion to be expressed and understood. Being right is irrelevant. Our partner feels the way they feel. It is irrational and unhelpful to suggest that they should feel or perceive differently. To do so implies that perceptions and emotions are objective and consistent (which is not true).

3.) Do not offer them an alternative way to perceive the situation. Do not offer forced or contrived optimism.
■ This belittles their subjective experience and is generally both annoying and aggravating. An ability to vent their experience to foster acceptance is the goal. We can help them by listening and reflecting their experience. People do not find it helpful to be forced towards a new perspective, instead they prefer the safety of a nonjudgmental ear. Forced optimism is different than authentic encouragement. Gently saying that we are there for them or that we will support them, is perfectly fine.

4.) Do not respond with defensiveness.
■ When we defend, we put the attention on ourself, which is rather selfish. Doing so tells the listener that our own emotional reaction is more important than their feelings. When we are defensive, we are focusing attention and energy on ourself as opposed to offering support and understanding to our partner.

5.) Do not use tangents to change the subject.
■ Allow the focus to stay on them. Bringing up other issues will confuse the interaction and will distract them from getting their needs met. As the listener, our job is to listen. At some other time, we can have the space to be the speaker.

6.) Do not be belittling, sarcastic, or mean. Do not use verbal aggression to attempt to steal power from the speaker.
■ Even as adults, we may find ourselves engaging in rather immature behaviors. Being mean is a poor way of saying, “I am overwhelmed by what you are saying and feel the need to attack you to get you to stop.” Asking for space is perfectly appropriate if we need a bit of time to be fully available for our partner.

The issue is not guilt, fault or blame; the issue is human imperfection.

We are still worthwhile human beings in spite of what happened.

It was not a crime and we are not guilty. A more appropriate emotion would be regret, which is the wish that things were other than they are.

If there are appropriate consequences of our imperfect behavior we are prepared to accept them. Inappropriate consequences are not acceptable, they make things worse for everyone.

We can choose not to take the consequences personally, Consequences are not a reflection of our worth as a person. If you are, for example, habitually twenty minutes late, your companion can choose to leave without you. No hard feelings. If you do not care for this consequence, it is up to you to do something constructive about it. This is not between you and your companion, it is between you and you.

You are not required to assume the fault and guilt of others. If a loved one breaks a dish, catch yourself about to assume fault. (“Oh, I shouldn’t have left it so close to the edge.”) This is an absurd waste of your time and energy. Life is too short for such carryovers from our childhood roles.

Imperfect people break dishes all the time. It is no ones fault when they do. What if he meant to break the dish? Do we say “It’s your fault?” Would it help if we did? If this mistake makes us angry, we can do an anger homework. We can stop reacting and express our feelings appropriately: “It makes me angry when you do that!” We can impose a logical consequence, such as having him pay for a replacement. This is a much more effective payoff for this provocative behavior and better then the sideshow you used to put on.

When we are angry at a negative situation, we can choose to ask ourselves if we are angrier than the reality situation requires us to be. We want to identify the excess so we can get it out of our way. The excess anger can drive us over the edge. An example of this extreme fault-finding is the distraught father whose child died in a school shooting who was heard screaming at his wife, “Why didn’t you keep her home today?” This implication of failure to predict and prevent the future is absurd, but it is understandable as a non-rational, desperate effect to relieve unbearable grief through “problem solving” in ways that do not make sense.

If we see ourselves in a similar position, we can choose to shift our gears from the old modus operandi of looking for inappropriate fault and, instead, to express our legitimate anger appropriately as we have learned to do. We can say, “I’m angry and hurt by everything that has happened.”

If we must go on and on in that vein, we can write out our anger and grief. We can choose to catch ourselves looking for guilt, fault and blame and remind ourselves that there will be time later to address issues of culpability and responsibility when the emotional storm has passed.

Our ambition to “improve” ourselves by correcting flaws in others or ourselves may seem like a positive one, but it is not. It is a negative ambition that arises out of our self doubt. The desire is not so much to look superior as it is to avoid looking inferior. In the end, we wind up looking no better than people without self respect. Self-respecting people do not define their worth in terms of being fault free. They respect themselves in spite of their lapses and foibles. Their self-respect shows are ones that high strung, frantic strivers for perfection cannot achieve.

Breaking glass image available from Shutterstock.

She had finally reached her limits; and could not push herself anymore. She knew that going away for a rest would not solve anything. She would only start the whole thing over again when she got back.  She came for counseling to find out how she got this way, and to relieve her anger at the world for doing this to her.

Therapist: “When else have you felt this way?”

Sheila: “When I was in high school, I was  the director of the class play. The day before we were supposed to perform in front of the Drama Club, three people called me with excuses for not showing up. I was so frustrated that I threw myself on my bed and cried. My mother heard me crying and came in. She leaned over me and said, ‘If that damn club is going to make you cry like that, I forbid you to go again.’ She stomped out. I was amazed. I remember asking myself, ‘How was that supposed to help?’ I knew that I could never go to her with my problems. Her overreaction was worse than the problem! Then I had two problems!  If my own mother won’t help me, who will?” 

Her anger at this betrayal never went away.  It was down there waiting to erupt on the next occasion.  She learned that on a deeper level, she was angry at herself for trusting her overwhelmed, inadequate parent in the first place!  This anger didn’t make sense to her.  This is where we point out that anger doesn’t have to make sense.
 
It arises out of the emotional memories that are formed from vivid events. Anger such as, “I must have been stupid to expect my own mother to help me.  I’m angry at myself for asking her to help me in the first place.  I am angry at myself for trusting her.  I’ll never make that mistake again.”  Once these submerged attitudes are brought into conscious awareness, her adult judgment can put them in a realistic, manageable perspective.  “I wasn’t stupid.  I was just a little kid.  It was an inconvenience, a disappointment for me and sad for my mother, but I can choose to let go of my anger now that I know what I’m letting go of.”

Shelia learned to trust her own judgment by doing what reality requires and trusting her judgment as good enough to take life as it comes. She was able to:

– Catch herself trying to please others.  (She doesn’t know how they want to be pleased)

– Catch herself  trying not to displease.  (She can focus on what pleases herself)

– Catch herself protecting others from consequences (They did not ask for her help)

– Catch herself trying to prevent disaster. (She can live in the present, she can’t predict the future)

– Catch herself having high standards for self/others. (She doesn’t know what’s best)

– Catch herself trying to prove her worth to others. (Self worth comes from within)

Tired woman image available from Shutterstock.

We waste a lot of our time doing things that do not need to be done. Here are some common ways we waste time:

1) We waste a lot of time trying to prevent waste. Some learned long ago that waste is a “sin” and a sign of irresponsibility. This causes worry over being judged and being found guilty. We strive to prevent being found at fault because guilt is painful. We may act to try and avoid this pain by “preventing” waste. The trouble is no one can prevent anything. We can take reasonable precautions, but we cannot predict the future. So we fail and end up faced with the very guilt we sought to avoid.

2) We waste time trying to “prove ourselves”. Since we do not know what we are trying to prove or how much is enough, we will not know how to stop when we get there. We will overshoot the target and keep going. This is called “overcompensation”. This experience is painful and compels us to do more than the reality of the situation requires us to do. That is a waste of our time and effort.

3) We waste time trying to get the attention of others, to make them notice us. We believe we need their attention to validate our worth as a person and eliminate our self doubt. And self doubt is painful. We have never learned how to relieve this pain by validating ourselves. We could save a lot of time if we did.

4) We waste time engaging in power struggles over (a) who is right and who is wrong (b) who can make whom do what (c) who is superior and who is not. The one who “wins” gains control. The other loses control. This loss of control is painful. We may spend our lives trying to prevent the pain of losing control, without even knowing what control is or how to exercise it in a healthy way.

5) We waste time trying to relieve our anger by “getting even”. This results in others wanting to get revenge on us for our revenge on them. We are both wasting time and energy, which will never come back.

6) We waste time giving up in discouragement when we fail to solve a problem. We criticize our poor performance, as if that helps. It never does. It merely perpetuates our insecurity.

7) We waste time seeking to prevent predicted disaster in the future. “If I don’t finish this report tonight, my boss is going to yell at me.” We try to prevent this prediction. However, we are not fortune tellers and cannot accurately foresee the future. We are not taking a productive precaution based in reality. We are acting destructively, trying to prevent the painful outcome we have predicted. As a result, we become so anxious, we cannot finish the report.

8) We waste time assuming responsibility for people who are perfectly capable of assuming responsibility for themselves. We are not doing it for them anyways. We are indulging ourselves because of our underlying need to be needed.

9) We waste time waiting for the perfect time to act. But the perfect time never comes. We we end up making and remaking choices because they might not be the “right” ones. Since we don’t know what “right” is, we procrastinate.

Clock in a waste basket image available from Shutterstock.

In one session, Barb began: “So mom asks me to come over Friday night. I hate to say `No,’ but I can’t take it any more.”
Therapist: “What is the worst part?”
Barb: “I hate feeling guilty.”
Therapist: “Of what crime are you guilty?”
Barb: “Of selfishness.”
Therapist: “Is it selfish because you want to spare yourself four hours of name-calling?”
Barb: “I feel that I should go there and work on our relationship.”
Therapist: “You are `shoulding’ on yourself. We should on ourselves, we should on others and end up feeling like a pile of should! Did you go to school to learn how to work on relationships?”
Barb: “Of course not!”
Therapist: “Then what you are talking about is not selfish, but self preservation. Selfish begins and end with you. You take care of yourself and let everyone else be damned. Self-preservation means I take care of me so I can be there for everyone else. To be a good mom, wife, daughter, friend, employee; I have to care for my own needs first. Self preservation is like when your on an airplane and they go over the safety instructions. Put on your air mask first so you can the help those around you.”
Barb: “I never thought of it that way.”
Therapist: “You are feeling guilty of the crime of irresponsibility – you’re the caregiver – you are guilty because you assume you should work on the relationship.”
Barb: “Well, shouldn’t I if that’s what I want?”
Therapist: “Why you? Why not your mother?”
Barb: “She’s busy and has health issues, she won’t change, but I love her.”
Therapist: “She is an adult and plays an equal part in this relationship. She is using your `criminal guilt’ against you. As long as you and she both agree that you are guilty, she will punish you for your crimes and you will let her.”
Barb: “Why do I keep letting her?”
Therapist: “Because you are taking more responsibility for making this relationship work then she is. You cannot let her take ownership over the consequences of her own choices. If you did perhaps you’d find out that your mother didn’t care enough to make any effort. That would be terribly painful. So rather then face that potential, you hope that if only you try harder she will see your effort, appreciate it and change. But when she doesn’t, you are left feeling guilty for failing, for not doing ‘enough’.”
Barb: “Why doesn’t she appreciate all I do?”
Therapist: “Because she has contempt for herself and for the person she bore. As a `good daughter,’ you stand there and let her, for fear of hurting her feelings.”

Mother and daughter image available from Shutterstock.

1. Defending our innocence: “But I didn’t do it honey, I swear to God.” This response is perceived  as “fighting” with him, as calling him a “liar,” and being generally oppositional. This intervention, therefore, does not usually have the desired calming effect. Our “innocence” is not the issue here. We are not guilty of a crime and we require no defense. The issue is that he is angry and his anger is painful. We need to relieve his pain, not make it worse.

2. Giving him orders: “Get a hold of yourself, honey. Pull yourself together, get a grip, babe.  Stop it this instant.” He does not take orders. He is a controller. Our efforts to ‘help’ him are exactly what he does not need right now. A better option is to control ourselves. We have our hands full with us right now. He is not the only one in pain. If we do not look to ourselves, who will?

3. Inappropriate responsibility: When we see him behaving irresponsibly, our good intention is to assume responsibility for him. We try to take over. He also perceives this as a control. He fights us off. Our choice must be to assume appropriate responsibility for our own physical and emotional well being.

4. Predicting the Future: When our life in the present is being controlled by someone else, we try to solve this painful problem by escaping into the future. We come up with imaginary solutions such as, “If you don’t stop now, there’s going to be trouble,” “I’ll leave you,” or “I’ll call the cops.” These exclamations are accurately perceived as threats, bluffs, and overcompensations for our own feelings of  inadequacy. He is not impressed. His hurt becomes even more painful. It is better to stay in the present.

5. Appeal to Logic: We also make the mistake of trying to solve emotional problems logically: “Be reasonable, babe, use your head.” Our naive attempt to appeal to reason through the use of logical thought is the delusion. It assumes that people are like Mr. Spock, all logic and that with enough information they will be swayed. Sufferers from this delusion often spend time giving evidence and explaining their point, but to no avail.  We cannot change his feelings by imposing our logic upon him. They don’t compute.

6. “Understanding”: Our mistake is to try to make him “see reason,” to “understand” the reality of the situation, to understand the “error of his ways.” He hears our attempt to make him understand as 1. trying to control him with our manipulative, irrelevant logic; 2. trying to put him in the wrong when he “knows” that he is “right”; 3. trying to force him to submit; 4. trying to make him feel or look stupid.

7. Denying the Validity of His Anger: “You have no right to be angry at me after all I’ve done for you.” Anger is not a matter of “right” under the Constitution, it is an emotion. That is why this argument is absurd. Also, when you deny anger, you are, by extension, invalidating him. He takes it personally. Now he is really hurt. The occasion for his anger, “You spilled my drink,” may seem unjustified. But, we must remember that these surface issue conceal a bellyful of unresolved rage from the past. We do not quibble with him about the “seriousness” of the precipitating factor.

8. Using Light-Hearted Humor: “Gee, you look funny when your face gets all red like that.” This is answer does not turneth away wrath. This is ridicule, and it suggests that you are not taking him or his anger as seriously. To him, his anger is painful and needs to be taken serious.  We cannot extinguish his fire by pouring kerosene on it. There are times when it is appropriate to lighten up. This is not one of them.

We make up these well intentioned responses because we have never learned how to solve such scary emotional problems. It is not our fault that we do. However, now that we realize that there is a chronic emotional hemorrhage in our life, it is as appropriate for us to get this information on Emotional First Aid for these emergencies, just as it is to get training in Medical First Aid.

Couple arguing image available from Shutterstock.

Since the advent of the COVID 19 virus, the landscape of behavioral health has changed significantly.

For clients, this includes:

• An increase in mental health issues such as anxiety and depression,
• Relational strain
• Higher incidences of drug and alcohol use

For behavioral health specialists this includes:

• Increased use, or sole use of remote or teletherapy
• Which increases isolation for the therapist and lack of connection with colleagues and mentors.
• And an increase in advocacy for greater mental health access and coverage for all.

Listen to my interview on the Chicago Psychology Podcast on counseling during COVID to learn more:

Find someone you trust. Talk with a family member or close friend about your experience. Contact a friend and have someone stay with you for a few hours or a day. Don’t carry this burden alone; share it with those who care about you. Talking about the stressful event will help you recover more quickly.

Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling. Express your feelings as they arise. Take time to cry if needed. Don’t fight any recurring thoughts or memories of the stressful event – these are natural and will diminish over time.

Take care of yourself. Get enough rest and eat regularly. If you are irritable or tense from lack of sleep or if you are not eating correctly, you will have less ability to deal with a stressful situation.

Make as many daily decisions as possible. This will give you a feeling of control over your life. Know your limits. If the problem is beyond your control and cannot be changed, don’t fight the situation.

Practice relaxation and meditation. Create a quiet scene. You can’t always run away, but you can hold a vision in your mind – a quiet scene or walking along the beach can temporarily take you out of the turmoil of a stressful situation.

Play soft background music. At home and in your office or car, provide a soothing alternative to the noise of the office, telephones, or traffic.

Take one thing at a time. For people under stress, an ordinary workload can sometimes seem unbearable. The load looks so great that it becomes painful to tackle any part of it. When this happens, remember that it is a temporary condition and that you can work your way out of it . . . one step at a time.

Allow time for a task. This will help reduce some of your self-imposed time pressure. If you normally plan half an hour to get a job done by rushing through it, schedule forty-five minutes or an hour so you can do the job more deliberately and thoughtfully. This can only improve your quality of work. Give your best effort, but don’t take yourself to task of you can’t achieve the impossible.

Spruce up your surroundings. Keep a beautiful bouquet of flowers at home or in the office. Surround yourself with plants that you especially like. Make your environment one you enjoy.

Escape for awhile. Whether it is a brief trip, a change of scene, or losing yourself in a book or a movie, this escape may give you the chance to put things in perspective. Then you can return more composed to better deal with the situation.

When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem.

When we listen for what is felt as well as said, we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people.

Tips for being a better listener:

· Listen to the reasons the other person gives for being upset.

· Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you—from his or her point of view.

· Repeat the other person’s words, and ask if you have understood correctly.

· Ask if anything remains unspoken, giving the person time to think before answering.

· Resist the temptation to interject your own point of view until the other person has said everything he or she wants to say and feels that you have listened to and understood his or her message.

When listening to the other person’s point of view, the following responses are often helpful:

Encourage the other person to share his or her issues as fully as possible.

· “I want to understand what has upset you.”

· “I want to know what you are really hoping for.”

Clarify the real issues, rather than making assumptions. Ask questions that allow you to gain this information, and which let the other person know you are trying to understand.

· “Can you say more about that?”

· “Is that the way it usually happens?”

Restate what you have heard, so you are both able to see what has been understood so far it may be that the other person will then realize that additional information is needed.

· “It sounds like you weren’t expecting that to happen.”

Reflect feelings-be as clear as possible.

· “I can imagine how upsetting that must have been.”

Validate the concerns of the other person, even if a solution is elusive at this time. Expressing appreciation can be a very powerful message if it is conveyed with integrity and respect.

· “I really appreciate that we are talking about this issue.”

· “I am glad we are trying to figure this out.”

Photo by knowingPark

If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs.

If you don’t understand your deep-seated needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them.

In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and breakups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships. When you resolve conflict and disagreement quickly and painlessly, mutual trust will flourish.

Successful conflict resolution depends on your ability to:

· Manage stress while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.

· Control your emotions and behavior. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others.

· Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others.

· Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can resolve the problem faster.

Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict

Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and breakups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.

Unhealthy responses to conflict are characterized by:

· An inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the other person

· Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions

· The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment

· The expectation of bad outcomes

· The fear and avoidance of conflict

Healthy responses to conflict are characterized by:

· The capacity to recognize and respond to important matters

· A readiness to forgive and forget

· The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing

· A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties

Anger is like fire: it cannot survive without fuel.

Like fire, unchecked anger can grow out of control and cause enormous damage and pain. But also like fire, anger can be recognized, controlled and managed in our lives. The fuel that keeps anger burning can come from many sources – from problems at work or at home, from frustrations with the world, from our inability to overcome the challenges we face.

But interestingly, one of anger’s biggest fuel sources is self-sabotage – the things we do, perhaps unwittingly, to keep ourselves angry.

We might ask, why would we want to be angry? As an emotion, anger can be extremely powerful and seductive, especially for individuals who like to be seen as strong, cool-headed or ‘in control.’ For those of us who have little joy or pleasure in our lives, the thrill of anger’s heady excitement might be the strongest feeling we have, and even a bad feeling might seem preferable to no feeling. So we secretly stoke the fire of our anger. How? One way is to seek common ground with other angry people. Whether we look online or in our own neighborhood, there’s plenty of anger in the world. We can easily find gangs, forums and hate groups that reward anger with inclusion: if you’re willing to demonstrate your anger, you can be one of us.

Another form of self-sabotage is to turn our anger against ourselves physically. Perhaps this comes in the guise of something ordinary and culturally accepted, like smoking or drinking; perhaps it’s more sinister, like the use of drugs or self-inflicted wounds. Maybe we stop attending to our hygiene or eat our way to obesity. Maybe we stop taking life-saving medications or drive recklessly. For each of these behaviors, we undoubtedly have justifications; we rarely recognize that they help to keep us angry. The more we indulge in such actions, the less attractive we are to others, and, simultaneously, the more we blame others for criticizing, mistreating and misunderstanding us – something that makes us angry!

A pattern of putting ourselves into difficult situations and then blaming others for our failures is another self-sabotage maneuver. Perhaps we begin a relationship based on what we imagine our partner could be – their potential’; maybe we accept a job that’s inappropriate except in our fantasy of what the job could be; maybe we start a project that’s far beyond our skills or budget. In each case, we’ve set ourselves up for failure; when, in fact, we fail, we angrily blame our partner, our boss or the world.

Try This

No one can take away our self-respect, but us. It may help if we know what self-respect means. It is the feeling that we are a worthwhile human being in spite of our mistakes and regrets. Even if we are at fault, we are not expected to be perfect. Respect is accepting one as a worthwhile human being in spite of one’s faults and imperfections. We generate respect by:

– Accepting ourselves as worthwhile, independent of external consideration. 

– Using our adult judgment to determine our  responsibilities based on the reality of  life today.

– Assuming responsibility for our own well-being

– Bringing down the significance of our mistakes from unforgivable crimes to mere human imperfections,

– Bringing up the level of our self-worth from a contemptible failure to that of an imperfect human being,

– Living in the middle ground between the extremes of perfect and worthless by embracing our complexity. It’s not our liabilities nor our strengths that define us. We are both.

All humans are imperfect and make mistakes, which is regrettable, but not a crime worthy of punishment. Self-respect is not conditional upon getting what we want. This is not a reflection on our ability to be a perfect person. Self-respect is accepting that we are a worthwhile human being who is unconditionally lovable despite what others’ say. Of course, we would have preferred to get more recognition for our efforts. But we are lovable regardless of the outcome. We can make successful efforts and still have undesirable outcomes. We can be a hard working employee who is punctual and loyal, but we get laid off. We can be a caring and thoughtful partner, but still get our heartbroken. We can be a careful driver and check our mirrors and put our turn signal on, but someone hits our car. In all these situations our efforts were commendable but the outcomes were disappointing. Yet, we are worthwhile either way. Self-respecting people learn from their mistakes. We are not guilty of a crime.  It’s not a crime to make a mistake.  It is not a matter of assigning guilt, fault and blame.  It is a matter of human imperfection. 

There is no way to prevent imperfect human beings from being imperfect. We can take reasonable precautions, but beyond a certain point, our good intention to prevent it becomes counterproductive. All humans have limitations and make mistakes. We do not have control over things that have not happened, nor can we read others’ minds to know what would really please them. Their blame is for them, to relieve their own pain and frustration for not getting what they want. When we are upset with ourselves we often attack those we care about, in this way accusations are confessions. We attack those we care about with the faulty logic that they will forgive us. However, over time tension builds between the resentment from being deprived of support and the guilt of disappointing others.

To move out from this double bind, we can choose to regain our self-respect by reminding ourselves that we are worthwhile in spite of our faults and imperfections. We are still an equal member of the human race in spite of what they just said. Even if they are right in their accusations, it merely proves we are an imperfect, like everyone else. Our “imperfection” made them angry, and we regret that it did. We have used our resilience. We can allow ourselves to bounce back from their unhelpful put-down shtick. We can choose to calm ourselves down, and put our own anger in a moderate, manageable perspective: “Just because they said it, doesn’t make it literally true. It is how they feel in the present. It’s not a fact. It’s not the end of the world. It’s only a regrettable circumstance between two imperfect people in an imperfect world.”