As you may know, Psych Central was recently bought by Healthline. And, as such, changes are on the horizon. At this point, I will not be adding new articles to the Happily Imperfect Blog here on Psych Central. And, unfortunately, some of the existing articles may be removed in the coming months. (I don’t have all the details about what’s planned for Psych Central’s blogs.)

Writing the Happily Imperfect blog has been a wonderful opportunity to help you embrace your imperfections and develop self-acceptance and self-compassion. Many of us feel inadequate and like there is something fundamentally wrong with us. We try to feel worthy through achievements and being perfect. And while perfectionism may seem like a good quality, in reality, it causes unrealistic expectations, relationship conflict, self-criticism, stress and anxiety, procrastination and sucks the joy out of your life. As this blog progressed over the years, I’ve written more about the connection between perfectionism and codependency, childhood trauma, and dysfunctional family dynamics.

I will continue to write new articles on the following topics and share them regularly on my website (LiveWellwithSharonMartin.com).

• Overcoming perfectionism
• Setting healthy boundaries
• People-pleasing
• Codependency
• Controlling behaviors
• Assertiveness
• Overthinking and anxiety
• Self-criticism
• Productivity and procrastination
• Comparison and judgment
• Self-worth

The best ways to stay in touch and continue to see my new articles and resources are to sign-up for my free weekly newsletters and to follow me on Facebook, YouTube, and Instagram.

I wish you all the best!

Are you a controlling person? If so, you’re not alone! This has been one of my personal struggles over the years — and although I haven’t completely freed myself of the desire to control things, I’ve figured out some ways to keep it in check that I’ll share with you in this post.

But before we delve into how to stop being so controlling, let’s talk about what it means to be controlling and why we act in these ways.

Signs you’re controlling:

• You want to know what’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and when it’s going to happen.
• You over-plan and get upset when things don’t go according to plan.
• You obsess over details, even insignificant details.
• You think there’s only one right way to do something.
• You’re critical of others.
• You boss people around or micromanage.
• You have impossibly high standards.
• You want to make the plans and decisions so you can do things your way.
• You dislike change (unless, perhaps, you’re initiating it).
• You don’t like surprises.
• You feel anxious or angry when you don’t know what’s going to happen, things don’t go according to plan, you can’t complete a task the way you want, or others make “bad” choices.
• You have trouble trusting people.

Why are people controlling?

Controlling behaviors often stem from anxiety and fear. When things feel out of control, it’s natural to want to control them in order to feel safe (or happy or content). But, of course, we can’t control other people and situations. So our efforts don’t ultimately make us feel better. In fact, controlling behaviors usually create problems in our relationships and make us feel frustrated and stressed out.

Please note that being extremely controlling of your partner or loved ones may also be an attempt to have power over others and can be abusive. This isn’t the focus of this article, but you can read more about it here.

Controlling, codependency, and perfectionism

Controlling is a common feature of codependency, a result of growing up in families where things were unpredictable, scary, out of control.

Controlling is also closely related to perfectionism (which is also rooted in anxiety and fear). Perfectionists also crave predictability, they’re risk averse, they want to know they can succeed at something before they try it, they’re rigid and anxious, they’re demanding and critical of themselves (and often of others, too).

Some perfectionists mainly try to control themselves and hold themselves to impossibly high standards (students who must get an A+ on every assignment, those who struggle with disordered eating and body image). Others focus on controlling others and hold others to impossibly high standards (nagging, criticizing). And some of us do both.

How to stop being so controlling

Challenge the fear

Since controlling behaviors are fueled by fear, we need to understand exactly what we’re afraid of and determine if it’s realistic.

What are you afraid will happen if you can’t control this situation or person?

Are you catastrophizing or expecting the worst? 

What are the chances that this bad thing will really happen?

Often we exaggerate both how bad the outcome will be and how likely it is to happen. But sometimes bad things will happen and there’s little we can do about it. In this case, we need to accept what’s in your control.

Practice acceptance

We need to accept that we can only control ourselves because doing so frees us from the stress and responsibility of making sure everyone and everything goes perfectly! But this is hard to do when you want control and feel anxious.

Staying mindful and noticing what’s going on in this moment helps keep you from thinking too much about the past or future. You can do this with a formal mindfulness practice like meditation or by simply using all of your senses to purposefully tune into the present moment.

You may also want to remind yourself that controlling doesn’t work.

What’s in your control? What isn’t?

What problems do your controlling behaviors cause?

How else can you cope with your fears?

How can you stay present-focused?

Practice being flexible

Also, try to notice your all-or-nothing thinking which tells you that your way is the best and only way. Most of the time, there’s more than one decent way to do things. At the same time stay focused on the problems that are truly yours to solve. Codependents want to solve everyone’s problems; this isn’t possible and it often causes us more stress and damaged relationships than it’s worth.

We don’t only have the option of being “in control” or being “out of control”. When we stop trying to control other people, we choose to trust that they can make good decisions and if they can’t, those aren’t our problems to solve. Accepting that we can’t control everyone and everything is essential to our happiness. As is recognizing that we don’t have to be responsible for everyone else and we don’t have to burden ourselves with the pressure to always be “right” and in control. Detaching from other people’s problems isn’t uncaring; allowing people to figure things out for themselves is a loving and trusting act.

Try a mantra

Changing our thoughts and behaviors takes practice. We naturally and unconsciously want to drift back to our old ways. So, a mantra can help you keep your goals front and center.

I don’t need to control everything.

I can tolerate uncertainty.

I can only control myself.

My way isn’t the only way.

I will respect other people’s choices.

Try using one of these or create your own. Read or write your mantra a few times per day to reinforce it.

Most of all, try to be patient with yourself. Change is a process and you’re asking a lot of yourself.

Learn more

Adult Children of Alcoholics and the Need to Feel In Control

Codependent’s Guide to Letting Go of Controlling and Criticizing

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©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW.
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

If you have codependent traits, you probably take responsibility for things you didn’t do, problems you didn’t cause, and circumstances or people that you can’t control. And as a result, you may feel guilty – even when you haven’t done anything wrong.

Let’s look at an example.

Miguel’s father brings his dog, Buster, almost everywhere. And although the dog bit Miguel a few years ago, he never objects when his dad brings Buster to his house. But Miguel has a new baby and he’s concerned about having an aggressive dog around his son. So, he politely and calmly told his father that he can no longer bring Buster when he visits. Miguel thought this was an understandable boundary, but his father was angry. “Well, what am I supposed to do with Buster? I can’t leave him home alone all the time! Why do you have to be so difficult? You’re always overreacting!” his Dad yelled. After the conversation, Miguel felt guilty and wondered if he was being unreasonable. He decided to call his father and apologize.

What is guilt?

Guilt is the feeling or belief that you’ve done something wrong. It’s a painful feeling, especially for those of us who so badly want to please people (or at least not create conflict).

Guilt has a purpose. When you’ve done something wrong, the discomfort of feeling guilty can help you change and do better in the future.

But if you feel guilty when you haven’t done anything wrong, guilt causes problems. You might call this inappropriate guilt or false guilt because the feeling is based on a misperception – thinking you’ve done wrong when you haven’t.

Are you experiencing false guilt?

People with codependent and people-pleasing traits are susceptible to false guilt because we hold ourselves to unrealistically high standards (perfectionism), want to avoid conflicts, base our self-worth on being liked and helping others, and are afraid of rejection. As a result, we feel bad about things we didn’t do, couldn’t control, and that aren’t our responsibility.

False guilt is a problem because it prevents us from taking care of ourselves. Like Miguel, you may feel guilty when you set a boundary or you may feel guilty when you do something for yourself, like take a day off or go to the gym. If you feel guilty in these situations, it’s because you’ve been told that you shouldn’t do these things — it’s wrong to set boundaries and consider your needs.

To see if your guilt is warranted, ask yourself:

• Is it really wrong to ________________?
• Do I believe this is wrong or is it someone else’s belief?
• Would I tell a friend that it’s wrong to _______________?
• Is my guilt based on unrealistic expectations of myself?
• Does feeling guilty about __________ help me be the healthiest, happiest version of myself?
• Can I tolerate someone being displeased with me if I’m doing what’s best for me?

Guilt can also cause us to enable or unconsciously encourage others to avoid their responsibilities and remain dependent. When you take responsibility for someone else’s problems, feelings, or needs, they don’t have to figure things out for themselves. But many of us persist in enabling behaviors because we think it’s our job to take care of others or make their lives easier. And while this sounds like a nice thing to do, it doesn’t ultimately help the other person and it leaves us feeling defeated, frustrated, and guilty because we can’t actually solve their problems.

Here are some questions that can help you challenge guilt based on the belief that you are responsible for other adults.

• How am I overly responsible?
• How does my being overly responsible allow others to avoid their responsibilities?
• Do I enable others out of guilt?
• Does my enabling truly help my loved one solve his problems or become a more responsible, capable, independent person?
• Does enabling resolve my feelings of guilt and anxiety or do these feelings just return later?

Letting go of guilt

When we feel false guilt, others can (intentionally or unintentionally) manipulate us. We are like putty in their hands because pleasing others relieves our feelings of guilt. Miguel can stop feeling guilty if he lets his father bring his dog over. You can stop feeling guilty if you work all weekend or pay your sister’s rent.

Or you can relieve your guilt by challenging it (using the questions above) and recognizing that you didn’t need to feel guilty in the first place. You’re allowed to take care of yourself, meet your own needs, and do what’s right for you. If you don’t, you’ll continue to sacrifice yourself for others. And you’ll pay a steep price for this; you’ll probably end up exhausted, sick, resentful, unfulfilled, anxious, and discouraged. You deserve better!

You don’t have to be controlled by false guilt. You are not responsible for everyone’s problems, unhappiness, anger, and suffering. Recognizing this can lift a big weight off your shoulders. It’s not wrong or bad to take care of yourself, to say no, to insist on being treated with respect, or to let others deal with the consequences of their choices. You can let go of guilt!

Learn more

Is it Codependency or Caring?

Perfectionism and Codependency: Learning to Love Your Imperfect Self

Boundaries, Blaming, and Enabling in Codependent Relationships

Sign-up HERE to receive Sharon’s blog posts and free resources by email

©2020

Photo by Jeffery Erhunse on Unsplash

Change. Uncertainty. Worry.

When you’re experiencing a crisis or going through a difficult time, coping with the uncertainty of the situation can be really hard. Most of us crave predictability; we thrive on structure and want to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, and what the outcome will be. We want to be in control!

But life rarely goes as planned. And we don’t have nearly as much control over what happens in our lives as we’d like to think. We can, however, control our thoughts. We can choose to think in more helpful and accurate ways. I don’t mean that we should take an overly positive, “Pollyanna view”. But we can focus on what we can control, the ways we want to act and feel. And while this doesn’t solve all our problems, it can help us feel more hopeful, confident, and capable. One way to do this is by writing intentions for yourself.

Intentions for changing codependent behaviors

This is a set of intentions that I wrote specifically for those feeling stuck in a codependent relationship, repeating a pattern of arguing, enabling, or worrying that you can’t seem to break. You may also relate to them if you’re feeling discouraged, self-critical, or unsure of yourself.

I will…

Be patient rather than needing to react to everything, big or small.

Be more accepting and less controlling.

Let others do things in their own way, in their own time.

Be humble rather than always needing to be right.

Have the courage to take responsibility for my behavior (and not take responsibility for other people’s behavior).

Feel grounded and empowered.

Be at peace, not bogged down with regret and worry.

Remember that I have choices; I’m not a helpless victim.

Feel confident that I can cope.

Acknowledge the ways I’ve contributed to problems and to apologize to those I’ve hurt.

Listen more instead of jumping to conclusions, giving advice, or forcing my agenda.

Let go of my expectations and focus on what I can control.

Hold firm to my boundaries with the knowledge that I deserve to be treated with respect.

Be more empathetic and less judgmental.

Trust myself rather than second-guessing and overthinking.

Forgive myself and stop beating myself up for the mistakes I’ve made.

Accept myself fully.

Take good care of myself and treat myself like a dear friend.

Be present with my feelings and not censor them, to let them wash over me like a wave, knowing that feelings come and go; they don’t last forever.

Be transformed, little by little, into my best self.

Write your own intentions for personal growth

I love that intentions and affirmations are easy to adapt. I encourage you to use the ones from my list that speak to you and add some of your own. Notice what’s weighing on your heart, where you feel pulled to put your energy, and how you want to change, and then write your own intentions. Doing this allows you to reflect on what’s not working in your life and to take ownership of your part in the problems. And while this is hard, it’s an essential part of making real changes.

Take action

Intentions create a map of where we want to end up. And, of course, if we’re going to change our unhelpful, distorted thoughts and our codependent behaviors, we have to take action – we have to actually learn new skills and practice new ways of thinking and acting. This is definitely a process and I’ve listed a few articles below to support you in this.

To get started, try writing your intentions and read them a few times every day to keep them a priority. I hope you find doing this is insightful and gives you renewed focus and hope.

Learn more

How to Change Your Codependent Behaviors

Affirmations for Difficult Times

13 Common Cognitive Distortions and How to Challenge Cognitive Distortions

Sharon’s Resource Library (over 40 free worksheets, guides, and other free tools)

©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW.
Photo by Bookblock on Unsplash

Overcoming codependency and poor boundaries requires us to notice and value our personal needs, but many of us, understandably, deny our needs out of fear of being too needy.

Codependency, people-pleasing, and boundary issues are rooted in our tendency to avoid our needs and feelings. Instead, we focus on taking care of other people’s needs, trying to make them happy, or trying to solve their problems. And if you’ve been told (in words or actions) that your needs don’t matter, that you shouldn’t have any needs, or that other people’s needs always matter more than yours, it can feel “needy” to acknowledge and communicate your needs. But, usually, this isn’t the case!

Accepting and communicating your needs may feel needy for two reasons:

1. You’re not used to having needs.
2. Other people think you’re too needy.

So, let’s take a look at both of these issues and find out how to move beyond them so you can think about yourself and your needs in a healthier way.

Needs feel needy when you’ve suppressed them for years

Everyone has needs.

These are some of our common needs:

• Sleep and rest, food, water, shelter, clothing, physical safety, sex, healthcare.
• Physical and emotional safety, financial security.
• Connection, respect, trust, acceptance, love, friendship, quality time with others.
• Self-esteem, autonomy, creativity, fun, challenges, new experiences, personal growth.

You may also have other needs and that’s okay. Needs can’t be wrong because they’re what you require to be healthy, safe, fulfilled, and happy. And we all deserve to be healthy, safe, fulfilled, and happy.

People who learned as children that their needs are normal and acceptable, don’t generally have trouble practicing self-care (meeting their own needs) and asking for what they need from others. But if your needs were ignored during childhood, you were shamed for asking for your emotional or physical needs to be met (for example, you were told you were selfish), or learned that other people’s needs always matter more than yours, it will feel uncomfortable to acknowledge your needs. You may even continue a self-defeating pattern of shaming yourself for needing something or avoiding your needs through avoidance or numbing (alcohol, drugs, food, electronics are common ways we do this).

Action step: At least twice per day, ask yourself, “What do I need?” Notice your emotions and how your body feels as both will give you valuable information about what you need. Try not to judge your needs as good or bad or needy or invalid, etc. Your goal is to accept your needs and figure out how to meet them. Can you meet them yourself? Who is the best person to help you meet these needs?

Needs feel needy when other people tell you that you’re too needy

You may also think you’re needy because that’s what people have been telling you. This usually starts in childhood with caregivers who were unable or unwilling to meet your needs. But, in adulthood codependent people also tend to have relationships with people who are unable or unwilling to meet their needs. When you people-please, cater to, appease, or enable others, they benefit when you deny or minimize your needs, so they have a vested interest in having you ignore your needs. For example, if your partner wants to be left alone to play video games or wants you to stop complaining about his spending, he or she probably knows that saying, “you’re so needy”, will shut you up – and shut down your needs.

When someone says, “you’re too needy”, they are manipulating you to ignore your own needs and meet their needs.

Out of fear of being labeled “too needy” or “too emotional,” we become insecure about having any needs. So, we suppress our needs to avoid these labels at all costs. And we subconsciously overcompensate by denying most of our needs, in an attempt to project an easy-going, low maintenance personality.

Action step: Notice who is telling you that you’re too needy. Is there someone in your life currently who is giving you this message? Or is it a belief you internalized from childhood and now tell yourself. Remember that just because someone else perceives you as needy, that doesn’t make it a fact!

Can someone be too needy?

The question of whether your needs are excessive or unreasonable can be a tricky one. To some degree, the answer is subjective. It’s possible that some people may find your needs are more than they can meet – so, they experience you as too needy. But others may be able to meet your needs and thus not experience you as needy. Sometimes, when there is a mismatch of needs in a relationship, we can work through them with compromise and communication; other times, the mismatch is too great.

On the other hand, some people have an unhealthy level of dependency. They need others to constantly provide validation, esteem, attention, and reassurance, to the extent that they don’t feel good about themselves or they doubt their worth unless someone tells/shows them they are worthy, loved, or acceptable.

Certainly, everyone needs some validation and reassurance from their friends and family, but it’s problematic to depend on others to meet all of these emotional needs, especially if you feel depressed or become frantic, anxious, and obsessive (like texting your partner a dozen times in an hour because s/he doesn’t answer) if you can’t get validation or reassurance. If this sounds like your experience, a therapist can help you develop a more secure attachment style, build self-esteem, and learn distress tolerance skills so you can meet more of your own emotional needs.

Action step: Are you able to validate your feelings? Are you able to calm yourself when you feel anxious or distressed? Are you able to enjoy time alone? If not, consider learning and practicing these skills. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy may be helpful. And for learning more about attachment styles and building a more secure one, I like the book Attached by Levine and Heller.

Meeting our needs

So, to summarize, it’s perfectly normal to have needs. They don’t make you “needy” or weak or broken. Some needs we can meet ourselves. And some needs are relational by nature and we will need to ask someone else to help us meet them.

To create a healthy inter-dependence with others, you may want to focus on these three aspects of meeting your needs:

• Building relationships with others who accept your needs and are willing to help you meet them, not people who want you to meet their needs but not give in return.
• Communicating your needs assertively and respectfully; this takes practice, especially when you’ve spent most of your life ignoring your needs, not communicating them, or being shamed when you did.
• Taking responsibility for meeting some of your emotional needs yourself, not depending on or expecting someone else to do all of it for you.

Learn more

Healthy Dependency vs. Codependency

How to Communicate Your Feelings

What’s My Attachment Style and Why Does It Matter?

©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Codependency Recovery: Moving Past Resistance
By Michelle Farris, LMFT

People who struggle with codependency don’t find their way into recovery easily. They are usually outward-focused and devote much of their time and energy to helping others, rather than investing in themselves. They bend over backward trying to be everything for everyone. As a result, they burn themselves out. Some even get sick with stress-related illnesses.

Being codependent means that we become a human doing rather than a human being. Much of the time we feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated. The codependent person expects others to give the same in return but they struggle to receive because it feels too vulnerable.

Codependents are kind-hearted but suffer in silence.

The hardest part is who they attract: people with addictions or narcissistic tendencies. Their relationships become a source of pain and frustration because they didn’t grow up learning how to honor their own needs. Instead, they learned to sacrifice themselves and tolerate abusive behavior.

With all these problems, why is it so hard for the codependent person to seek help? To move past the resistance here are some common beliefs that get in the way.

#1 Codependent people think other people are the problem.

Because codependent people focus on others, they have trouble seeing their behavior as a problem. They appear selfless but those good intentions make it difficult for them to recognize when they’ve crossed the line.

The codependent person believes that if only their loved ones would just act right, take their advice, or stop drinking – everything would be fine.

Because of this, they are constantly exerting control, assuming that they have all the answers. They get frustrated when others don’t follow their advice instead of seeing their own control as the problem.

With issues of control, conflict is inevitable. No one likes being told what to do, but in codependent relationships, this happens frequently. Family and friends get tired of being told how they should behave. Unfortunately, the codependent person thinks they are just being helpful.

Tip: Getting into recovery means confronting old beliefs and behaviors. It starts with acknowledging where we have control (mainly ourselves) and where we don’t (other people, places, and things).

#2 People who struggle with codependency don’t think they need help.

Being able to give and take are essential qualities for building healthy relationships. However, the codependent person gives too much because that makes them feel needed. They think that they know best, so they’re always trying to help. This is one of the reasons why people with codependent tendencies don’t see a need to ask for help: they don’t think they’re at fault.

Codependent people have relied on themselves for so long that they naturally assume they can recover on their own. It feels too vulnerable to consider joining a group or going to a therapist but in order to build a lasting recovery, they will need outside help.

By joining a 12-step program, like Al-Anon or CODA, they get access to a community that will encourage introspection and growth. This is an important first step in coming out of isolation and moving beyond the dysfunction.

People working a 12-step program make faster progress than those who attempt it alone. Without adequate support, it’s difficult to challenge old behaviors because we can’t always recognize our own dysfunction.

Tip: Take the time to find additional support. Even starting a private group with two like-minded friends can get you started.

#3 Codependent people believe that if they’ve already left their alcoholic or abusive partner, there’s nothing else to change.

Leaving an addicted partner (or someone who mistreats you) doesn’t solve the problem. Without the alcoholic, the codependent person assumes life will improve — but soon realizes that their problems were not all about the drinking.

In fact, without that person to blame, it becomes obvious that our codependency hasn’t gone away. Issues of control, unrealistic expectations, and perfectionism have become ingrained in our psyche despite leaving our dysfunctional relationships.

Until we can acknowledge our own codependency, we will struggle to maintain healthy relationships. Instead, we will continue to find ourselves drawn to relationships that continue to drain our energy.

Tip: Leaving a dysfunctional relationship can be the turning point to examine and heal old behaviors that don’t work.

How do we begin to recover from codependency?

Codependency recovery starts with a willingness to change ourselves instead of expecting others to change for us. Eventually, the pain of doing the same thing and expecting different results becomes the catalyst for being willing to recover.

Common codependent behaviors to focus on include:

• Ignoring your own needs (like sleep, food, or self-care)
• Saying “yes” when you mean “no”
• Not advocating for what you value
• Pretending everything is okay when it’s not
• Having a high tolerance for abusive behavior
• Being unable to let go of unhealthy relationships
• Giving too much at your own expense

Codependency recovery begins by focusing on our own healing. It’s letting others be who they are even when we think they’re off track. We begin to see that giving them the answers doesn’t amount to much.

Tip: While it takes a lot of courage to seek help, recovery provides an opportunity to start a new life that far surpasses the isolation we once knew.

Final thoughts

Recovery takes a lasting commitment. There is no quick-fix. You can’t eliminate codependency by just reading a book or listening to a podcast. It’s a process of unlearning dysfunctional behaviors and honoring yourself no matter what others are doing.

This journey requires the support of others who have been where you are now. This can include therapy, but to get the most healing it should include a support group or 12-step program.

By committing to codependency recovery, you can begin to advocate for yourself and create mutually satisfying relationships. By breaking the cycle of codependency, we can finally create a new way of living that we truly love.

About the author:

Michelle Farris is a marriage and family therapist who specializes in codependency and anger management. She believes in “walking her talk” and shows others how to make small but significant changes in their relationships. She writes a weekly blog and offers online courses on relationships, anger, and codependency. Sign-up for Michelle’s free 12 Codependency Prompts for Self-care and Setting Boundaries.

©2020 Michelle Farris, LMFT. All rights reserved.
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Any long-standing pattern of behavior can be hard to change. We’re creatures of habit and tend to repeat the same behaviors over and over, often without even thinking about them — and sometimes we continue even when these behaviors create problems for us. This is the case with codependent behaviors.

What are codependent behaviors?

When I talk about codependent behaviors, I’m referring to things like enabling, perfectionism, self-sacrificing or martyrdom, obsessing about other people’s problems, trying to fix, change, or rescue others – even if they don’t seem very interested in changing. As codependents, we struggle to ask for help, we don’t prioritize our needs (so we get tired, irritable, resentful, and stressed out).

How do you change codependent behaviors?

Even though these behaviors are second-nature to us, we can change! The challenge, of course, is figuring out how to change. What do we do instead of these codependent behaviors? And how do we stick with the new behaviors long enough to see a difference? The answer is lots of practice and lots of self-compassion. Like any new behavior, we need to do the new behavior many times before we master it and feel comfortable doing it. At first, it will feel awkward, scary, guilt-ridden, and uncomfortable. In short, you’re not going to do it well! That’s where the self-compassion comes in. Give yourself credit for trying. Praise yourself for taking baby steps even if they don’t seem to accomplish much at first. Encourage yourself by saying things like, “You can do this!” Don’t expect perfection and try not to criticize yourself if you slide back into old behavior. This is all part of the process – I promise.

So, let’s get started with some ideas for changing codependent behaviors.

People-pleasing

Instead of saying yes to every request, doing things you don’t want to do, or doing things out of obligation, consider what you need and want. Ask yourself:

• Am I interested in doing this?
• Why am I saying yes?
• Do I have time for this?
• Can I afford to do this?
• Does this align with my values and priorities?

Remind yourself that you’re allowed to say no. Some people may be disappointed or upset with you, but that is their problem, not yours. You are not responsible for making everyone happy.

Action: This week, practice saying no to one thing that you don’t want to do, that doesn’t fit in your schedule or budget or doesn’t interest you, etc.

Identity and self-worth issues

Do you feel like you’ve lost your identity or you’re not sure who you are? Often, codependents don’t fully differentiate themselves from others. We don’t have a strong sense of who we are, what we like or want, or we’re quick to give up our goals, ideas, and what matters to us to please others. We also get our identity and sense of worth from what we do rather than who we are. In part, this is why we get our sense of worth from pleasing others, self-sacrificing – and why we feel so terrible when others are upset or disappointed with us. We don’t have a strong sense of who we are or that we matter without external validation.

Action: The remedy for identity issues can start with some of these activities.

1. Get to know yourself better. Practice with these questions.
2. Share your opinions, ideas, and feeling. Try sharing a differing opinion or idea with someone who will be receptive, such as suggest a different activity for Girls Night Out or politely let someone know that you disagree with their point of view.
3. Do one thing this week because it interests you. It could be something new that you’re curious to try or something you’ve enjoyed in the past but haven’t prioritized recently.
4. Validate your feelings at least once per day. When you notice that you’re seeking validation from someone else or disappointed that someone didn’t validate you, try to give yourself the validation that you need. To get started, you can use some of these self-validating phrases.

Acting like a martyr

A martyr is someone who insists on doing everything themself. You refuse help if it’s offered. But you’re not doing or giving joyfully. You’re resentful that you have to do so much and that people don’t help you or think about what you need.

Action: The next time someone offers to help, say yes. Or if no one offers to help in the next week, ask. Simply say, “Can you please help me with _______?” They may refuse, but learning how to ask is still a success.

Perfectionism

Perfectionists have impossibly high standards. Their expectations are unrealistic so they inevitably fail to achieve them, which leads to criticizing themselves (or others) for even the smallest mistake or imperfection. They never feel satisfied. Instead, don’t expect yourself or others to do things perfectly. Expect that you’ll make mistakes and so will other people. Mistakes aren’t failings or a sign of being inadequate. They’re a sign of being human!

Action: When you make a mistake, say something kind to yourself like, “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes.” Self-compassion is more motivating than self-criticism (see the research here).

Action: Set more realistic expectations. If you continue to make the same mistake, it’s not because there is something wrong with you, it’s because there’s something wrong with your goal or expectation. For example, if I constantly cheat on my low-carb diet, it’s not because I’m a failure. It’s because the goal of eating so few carbs isn’t realistic for me right now and I need to change my expectations.

You can learn more about overcoming perfectionism in my book The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism (available from all major booksellers).

Lack of boundaries or being passive

Instead of letting others mistreat you (say mean things, borrow money without repaying, leaving a mess and expecting you to clean it up, violating your boundaries), set limits by telling people what’s not okay and what will happen if they continue.

Action: When you feel mistreated, communicate how you feel and what you want or need using an I Statement. For example, “I feel hurt and offended when you make sarcastic comments about my weight. I’d like you to stop commenting on my appearance.” And if you think it’s helpful, you can also state what the consequence will be if they continue. It might sound like this: “And if you continue, I’m going to go in the other room and watch TV by myself.”

When setting boundaries, remember that you can’t force other people to do what you want, but you can change your own behavior to keep yourself safe.

Denying, avoiding, or minimizing your feelings

Instead of “stuffing” your feelings, pretending your fine when you aren’t, or numbing them with alcohol or food, try to notice your feelings and express them in healthy ways (respectful dialogue, journaling, creative projects, crying, etc.).

Action: Ask yourself “How do I feel?” three times per day (mealtimes are good reminders to do this). Write down your feelings. Don’t try to change them; just let your feelings be real and valid. You can do this by saying or writing, “I feel ____________. This feeling is valid and helpful. It exists to tell me something important.” If your feelings are uncomfortable or painful, ask yourself to tolerate them for just one minute before you engage in your usual form of avoidance. And then try to work up to two minutes, three minutes, and so forth over several days or weeks.

Enabling and fixating on other people’s problems

Enabling is something you do that allows another person to continue in a dysfunctional pattern. It could be pouring out their alcohol, calling in sick for them, cleaning up after them, giving them money. It can seem loving, but it really just allows them to avoid taking responsibility for themselves and from experiencing the natural consequences of their choices.

Instead of enabling and focusing on what others are doing, take care of yourself and find healthier ways to manage your worry and anxiety. Often, we focus on other people not just to be helpful, but also because it gives us a sense of control (which helps us feel safe and quiets our anxiety), a feeling of being needed, or a distraction from looking at what we’re contributing to the problem and changing ourselves.

Action: Identify your enabling behaviors. When you feel compelled to act on them, step away from the situation. Notice your feelings (see above) and think of an activity that you can do to comfort yourself, calm your fears, and tolerate the anxiety of letting your loved one experience the consequences of his or her actions. This could be calling a friend or sponsor, writing in a journal, taking a bath, exercising, meditating, praying, going to an Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous meeting, playing with your dog, etc. Make a list of activities that you might try, so you have it ready when you need it!

I hope you’ll try some of these action items this week!

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©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved.
Photo by Ross Findon on Unsplash

Why We Say, “I’m fine” When We Aren’t:
Codependency, Denial, and Avoidance

“I’m fine.”

We say it all the time. It’s short and sweet. But, often, it’s not true.

And while everyone occasionally says they’re fine when they aren’t, codependents are especially prone to this form of avoidance. So, let’s take a look at why we do this and how we can be more authentic.

Pretending to be okay

When we say, “I’m fine” or “Everything’s fine,” we’re denying our true feelings and experiences; we’re hoping to convince ourselves and others that everything really is okay.

Pretending that we don’t have any problems, difficult emotions, or conflicts is a facade. It’s the image we want to present to the rest of the world. We want others to think everything is working out great for us because we’re afraid of the shame, embarrassment, and judgment that might come if people knew the truth (that we’re struggling, our lives are unmanageable, our loved ones are troubled, that we’re not perfect, etc.).

And if we acknowledge our problems to others, we have to face them and admit to ourselves that we’re not happy, our lives aren’t perfect, or we need help.

Denial is understandable. It seems easier to avoid certain problems, traumatic memories, and difficult feelings. However, we all know that avoidance isn’t a good long-term strategy. Often, the longer we try to ignore things, the bigger the problems become. So, why do we deny our problems or pretend to be okay?

Why we say we’re fine when we aren’t

We pretend to be fine to avoid conflicts. Sharing our true feelings or opinions might cause someone to get angry with us – and that’s scary or at least uncomfortable.

We also use “I’m fine” to shield ourselves from painful feelings. In general, codependents are uncomfortable with emotions. Most of us grew up in families where we weren’t allowed to be angry or sad. We were told to stop crying or we were punished when we expressed our feelings, or our feelings were ignored. As a result, we learned to suppress our feelings and to numb them with food or alcohol or other compulsive behaviors. Many of us also grew up with parents who couldn’t regulate their own emotions. For example, if you had a parent who raged, you may be afraid of anger and want to avoid being angry or angering others. Or if you had a parent who was deeply depressed, you may be unconsciously compelled to avoid your own feelings of sadness, grief, or hopelessness. And after years of suppressing and numbing your feelings, you may not even be aware of them. So, you may say, “I’m fine” because you really don’t know how you feel.

You also may have learned in childhood that you shouldn’t need anything. Again, you may have been punished when you asked for something or your needs may have been ignored. When this happens repeatedly, we learn that we shouldn’t ask for anything because no one cares about our needs and they won’t be met.

Related to this is our desire to be easy going or low maintenance. Again, we don’t want to be difficult (that might lead to a conflict) and we don’t want to be a burden or need anything because that might drive people away. A history of dysfunctional relationships and fragile self-esteem has led us to believe that people won’t like us (and perhaps they’ll abandon or reject us) if we ask for too much or have complicated feelings. It feels safer to pretend we’re fine and be a dependable, cheerful friend or an easy-going daughter-in-law who never complains.

We also deny our problems and feelings because they’re overwhelming, we don’t know what to do with our feelings or how to solve our problems, so we try to ignore them.

Acknowledging that you’re not fine

 If you’ve been denying your feelings and problems for years, it’s not easy to start digging into the messy stuff beneath the surface. But if we’re going to truly feel better and create more authentic and satisfying relationships, we have to acknowledge that we’re not fine, that we are struggling, hurt, afraid, or angry, and that we have unmet needs. A therapist or sponsor can provide valuable support when difficult feelings come up and gently challenge your denial if you get stuck.

Moving out of denial can start with being more honest with yourself. So, even if you’re not ready to share your true feelings or experiences with others, try to acknowledge them yourself. You can do this through journaling and naming your feelings. Try to be interested in how you’re feeling rather than immediately pushing your feelings away. Remember that feelings aren’t good or bad, so try not to judge them. You might think of your feelings as messengers that are delivering helpful insights. Again, rather than trying to change how you feel, be curious about why you’re feeling a particular way or what your feelings are trying to tell you.

Next, identify one safe person to be more authentic with. If no one in your life feels safe, you can set a goal to develop a relationship where you feel safe to share more honestly. Again, therapy and support groups are good places to begin because sharing honestly is encouraged and there’s no expectation that you’re “fine” all the time.

And finally, please know that you’re not the only one struggling with these issues and you didn’t cause them. You are, however, the only one who can start to change them. You can slowly start to think and act differently, you can validate your feelings and needs, and be more of your true self. Some people may have a hard time with the changes you make, but others will be drawn to the more assertive, authentic version of you. Most importantly, I think you’ll be happier with yourself when you know yourself better and can acknowledge more of your feelings and experiences.

Read More

Feel Your Feelings. They Will Set You Free!

Feelings: Don’t Keep Them to Yourself

To Heal Trauma, Free Your Most Compassionate Self

©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved.
Photo by Obi Onyeador on Unsplash.

Do you struggle with setting boundaries? Is it hard for you to say no or assert yourself? Do you have trouble trusting people? Do you frequently feel mistreated or resentful? These can all be signs of boundary issues.

What is a healthy boundary?

Most of us are familiar with the concept of boundaries. Boundaries serve as limits, telling others how we want to be treated and what we’re each responsible for. They create a separation between you and others so you can maintain your individuality and values.

However, it can be hard to know what constitutes healthy boundaries – that sweet spot between boundaries that are too weak and boundaries that are too rigid.

Signs of weak boundaries

When we talk about boundary problems, we’re usually referring to boundaries that are too weak – boundaries that don’t provide enough protection and separation.

Here are four signs that your boundaries are too weak:

1. You’re frequently overscheduled, busy, and tired because you didn’t set limits. You may be saying yes to things that you don’t really want to do, that don’t match your priorities or values, or that you simply don’t have the time or money to do.
2. You don’t speak up when you’re mistreated. Someone with healthy boundaries can recognize abuse, disrespect, manipulation, and other forms of being taken advantage of – and they don’t tolerate it. So, if you either don’t recognize that you’re being mistreated or you realize it, but you don’t do anything about it, you’re boundaries are too weak and you’re not taking care of yourself.
3. You’re afraid of rejection, criticism, disapproval, and conflict. Often, it’s fear that prevents us from setting boundaries. And fears of being rejected or criticized or of hurting other people’s feelings are common among those with weak boundaries. These fears make it hard for us to assert our needs, so, instead, we remain passive, we go along with what others want or need, trying to keep them happy in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings.
4. You accept blame for things you didn’t do or couldn’t control. A boundary makes it clear that you are responsible for your own actions, thoughts, and feelings – and not for what other people do. So, if you lack boundaries, you’re prone to accept responsibilities that aren’t yours because you don’t know where your responsibilities end and someone else’s begins. For example, someone with weak boundaries might take responsibility for their teammate’s sloppy work or their spouse’s bad mood, and possibly even try to fix it.

Signs of rigid boundaries

On the other end of the boundary continuum, are overly rigid boundaries.

When we have rigid boundaries, we create too much space between ourselves and others. A rigid boundary is like a big, strong wall. It feels safe (walls are good protection), but it keeps everyone out, so we become isolated and disconnected.

Here are four signs that your boundaries may be too rigid:

1. You’re quick to cut people out of your life. You don’t believe in second chances. If someone hurts you, you don’t want an apology or to work things out – you’re done!
2. You have rigid rules about what you’ll do and when you’ll do them; you won’t make exceptions or be flexible. For example, if your Great Aunt Mary is coming into town and wants to have dinner with you at a Mexican restaurant, but Mexican food gives you heartburn, you won’t go.
3. You tend to have surface-level relationships. You have trouble trusting people and are reluctant to share anything personal about yourself. This creates either relationships that don’t get very deep or relationships that are lop-sided, where you serve as confidant or counselor to someone who talks excessively about themselves and their problems, but doesn’t care to understand or know you.
4. You take everything personally. You may have built rigid boundaries because you’re highly sensitive to criticism or rejection. Taking things personally is painful, so, understandably, you would want to protect yourself by keeping people at a distance and not sharing too many of your thoughts or feelings.

Can I have both weak and rigid boundaries?

Many people vacillate between boundaries that are too weak and too rigid. For example, you might have a pattern where you don’t set enough boundaries, then you get hurt, and then you to over compensate with rigid boundaries for a while. You could also have weak boundaries with your family and rigid boundaries at work. Or it may feel like it’s a haphazard mix of the two. In any case, people who struggle with boundaries often have a combination of weak and rigid boundaries but they can’t find the middle ground.

Establishing healthy boundaries

As I said, healthy boundaries fall in between weak and rigid boundaries. They are assertive and clearly state what you need, and this protects you from being mistreated or from over committing yourself. Healthy boundaries are also flexible, meaning that you can loosen them up when it’s safe to do so. This allows you to form meaningful relationships where you feel more deeply understood, accepted, and appreciated.

Yes, it’s hard to know when it’s safe to loosen up your boundaries or when it’s in your own best interest to tighten them up, especially if you have a history of trauma or troubled relationships. However, when you recognize that your boundaries are either weak or rigid, try to move them a tiny bit in the other direction. When you try to make a huge change in your boundaries, you’re more likely to end up at the other end of the continuum (going from weak to rigid or vice versa). Instead, just aim for a baby step. Small incremental changes are less risky and let you continually reassess for safety. By doing this repeatedly, you will learn to trust your judgment and you’ll gradually start setting healthier boundaries.

More articles about boundaries

How to Figure Out What Boundaries You Need

Boundaries, Blaming, and Enabling

How to Set Boundaries with Kindness

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©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved.
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Is there someone in your life who is extremely difficult — who we might call a “toxic person”? If so, you know how stressful it is to deal with them. And, unfortunately, encountering a toxic person, whether in your family, workplace, neighborhood or religious community, is not uncommon.
Toxic people have the potential to do serious damage to your mental health (and possibly physically hurt you as well). That’s why it’s so important to recognize the signs of a toxic person and learn how to take care of and protect yourself. Below are nine articles that I hope will help you do this.

15 Signs You Have Toxic Parents

The term “toxic parent” is a bit nebulous and we probably all define it differently. Often, narcissistic or those with other personality disorders or mental illnesses, abusive, emotionally immature, and alcoholic or addicted parents are labeled as toxic.

Young children, even those with toxic parents, assume that their parents are typical. Without any basis for comparison, you think other families operate by the same dysfunctional rules and that everyone’s parents are cruel, unavailable, or controlling. Eventually, however, you realize that emotionally healthy parents show genuine concern for their children’s feelings, encourage them to follow their dreams, apologize when they screw up, and talk about problems in a respectful way. You realize that your parents are different.

Toxic parents cause a lot of pain and lasting psychological problems for their children. The good news is that it’s possible to overcome the effects of toxic parents. The first step is to be aware of what it really means to have a toxic parent and recognize the particular ways that your parents are dysfunctional or emotionally unhealthy.

Continue reading

10 Tips for Dealing with your Toxic Parents

One of the great things about being an adult is that you get to decide what kind of relationship to have with your parents.

You have choices – probably more choices than you realize. As a therapist who helps adults cope with their toxic parents, one of the biggest barriers I see is that adult children feel like they can’t make their own decisions; they think they have to keep doing things as they’ve always done them (the way their parents want them to).

Your relationship with your parents doesn’t have to be like this. And although you can’t change your parents or magically transform your relationship, you can begin to break your family’s dysfunctional patterns. You get to decide how and when to relate to your parents. You get to decide what’s right for you.

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How to Set Boundaries with Toxic People

It isn’t easy to set boundaries with toxic people, but it’s something we can all learn to do and when we do, it’s empowering.

Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When we set boundaries, we’re less angry and resentful because our needs are getting met. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated. Boundaries are the foundation of happy, healthy relationships.

Ideally, people will respect our boundaries when we communicate them clearly. But we all know that some people will do everything they can to resist our efforts to set boundaries; they will argue, blame, ignore, manipulate, threaten, or physically hurt us. And while we can’t prevent people from acting like this, we can learn to set clear boundaries and take care of ourselves.

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It’s Okay to Cut Ties with Toxic Family Members

Would your life be happier, healthier, and more peaceful without certain people in it?

It’s never easy to cut someone out of your life. And when it comes to family, it’s especially hard to accept that a family member is creating so much stress, anxiety, and pain that you can’t continue to have a relationship with them.

This post is for all of you who are struggling to decide whether to continue a relationship with a difficult or toxic family member. You’re repeatedly hurt by this person, have tried tirelessly to repair the relationship, feel frustrated that nothing seems to change (at least for very long), you don’t want to give up, but you don’t know how to move forward in a way that respects and nurtures yourself.

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Dealing with Difficult Family Members: Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain

Are you repeatedly drawn into conversations or arguments that seem to go nowhere? Do you feel compelled to respond to accusations that you know are false? Do you feel like you have to justify your behavior or choices? Do you have a difficult family member who picks fights or gaslights?

Codependent relationships often feel “stuck.” Unhealthy communication and relationship patterns get set, and we seem to replay them over and over again, even though they don’t work.

If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic (ACA) or grew up in a “dysfunctional” family, you probably witnessed ineffective (or even hurtful) communication patterns as a child that were characterized by arguing, blaming, denying, and dishonesty. Unfortunately, most of us tend to repeat the communication patterns we learned in childhood – the ones we’re familiar with and that we observed.

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8 Expert Tips to Get Over Your Ex

A breakup or divorce is a loss that can shake up your entire life. You might feel confused, angry, or broken-hearted. It’s completely normal to feel all of these things. The end of a romantic relationship is painful. No matter the particulars, it’s a loss that needs to be grieved.

It’s natural to want to “get over” your ex and start feeling better as soon as possible. Unfortunately, sometimes in an effort to feel better, we do things that get us stuck and unable to move forward. There isn’t any quick or easy way to grieve such a significant loss. There are, however, ways to move your recovery along in a healthy way.

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How to Let Go When Your Partner Refuses to Change

When you have been doing everything possible to get your partner to change a behavior that bothers or concerns you, and it still doesn’t change, you will eventually reach a crossroads in your relationship. If leaving the relationship isn’t an option, you must find a way to let go of your attempts to change or control your partner. If you continue to focus on your mate, you will continue to suffer.  Letting go and accepting that your partner won’t change is a tremendous gift you can and should give yourself.

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How to Deal with People Who Repeatedly Violate Your Boundaries

Unfortunately, people who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries. One of the biggest challenges that people have with boundaries is figuring out what to do when someone repeatedly violates them. There isn’t a one-size fits all answer to the question, but this article has some tips to help.

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Finding Emotional Freedom After a Toxic Relationship

Many of us continue to suffer after ending a toxic or abusive relationship. Healing is a process. And as you heal from emotional abuse, you’ll experience what I call emotional freedom — the freedom to be yourself and the ability to manage your own feelings rather than letting your feelings control you.

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I hope you found these articles about dealing with difficult or toxic people helpful! If you’re interested in learning more, sign-up for my free weekly newsletter and other resources for healing.

©2020 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved.
Photos from canva.com.