It might be just about the crowd I hang out with, but it seems like it would be tough these days to find anyone who has much respect for any of the above. Unless, of course, they were a politician, had a politician as a family member or best friend, earned their livelihood off the process, or were able to see those people and processes as the Dali Lama would, who (I make up) sees everyone and everything as sacred.

Until a few weeks ago, you could count me as one of the 80% – 90% who have little respect for the process or the people involved in government at the highest levels.

They all appeared, to me to be the worst kind of dysfunctional family with no seeming regard for the harm they cause or the unaddressed needs of the people they represent, apparently doing little to address the pressing concerns of our world and its people.  They are there because of their self-serving, myopic lust for power, prestige, ego, and money. Fiddling away while Rome burns.  All reinforced by the chaos caused by their action/inaction of the last four months.  Not that I was being judgmental, cynical or anything!

Those were, what I thought to be, my well informed opinions, backed up by decades of watching the democratic process apparently swallow up honest, caring, well-intended people and turning them into “politicians.”

My cynicism started when I was in college.  I was in a political science class and one of our activities was a trip to Washington, DC.  This was during my idealistic youth phase. John Kennedy had just been assassinated, the Civil Rights Movement was brewing, the Vietnam War was ramping up, and, last, but not least, in class one day, one of my professors had said, “Ted, one day you will be in the US Senate”.  To this day I have no earthly idea what she thought she saw that would make her think that. Maybe she was joking, (it could have been because I loved arguing with her) but she said it.  I also had only a vague idea of what a senator was, but it sounded good to me.  So, for a number of reasons, I was excited and intrigued by the prospects of our trip.

It was springtime in DC, with the trees and flowers blossoming.  Beautiful.  I was starry eyed.  Soaking it all in. “So this is where I’ll live someday” I fantasized.

Our visit included a meeting with one of our state senators. I couldn’t wait.  I had a dozen questions to ask him, but I had a chance to ask only one. My question was, “How do you decide how to vote on an issue?”  Apparently the answer I was looking for was, “I listen to what my constituents are telling me, and I vote based on that.”  What he said was, “I listen to what my constituents say and then do what I think is right, even if it is not what they want.”

Looking at that answer now, I see the wisdom in that perspective.  Without that kind of thinking there might very well have been no Civil Rights legislation, no Title IX (which, among other things provides a degree of equality for women in athletics), no voting rights laws, handicapped accessibility, etc.

At that moment, however, what I heard was, “Once you become a politician, you become a selfish self-serving jerk, who is in it only for himself.” His statement instantly snuffed out any desire on my part to become associated with people or institutions like that.  So, then and there, I decided I wanted to find a way to really help people.  (I’m still looking, by the way.) You’ll notice that I made that decision without getting clarification from him or anyone else, I just walked off making up what I thought I heard him say, what I thought he meant, made up the implications of what that meant and finally, smugly, believed all of what I had just made up.  A trait that I still, ill-advised as it has always been, manifest all too often.

So, imagine my initial secret thoughts (I was smart enough not to say any of this out loud) when a few months ago, someone I was working with said they wanted to explore the idea of becoming a US Representative and wanted me to be an intimate part of the process.  He had been approached by a number of powerful national movers and shakers and was being encouraged to run for office.

First came the group of men and women who outlined how the process of running a campaign would work.  What he, the candidate, would have to do, how to get from point A to point B.  We met with dozens of these people at various times and places over several months.  I kept my eyes open for the “slime buckets,” the corrupt, the manipulators, the political hacks, the people who would “use” my client.

We spent hours, days, weeks, with these people.  I couldn’t find any bad guys.  I couldn’t find any motive other than they wanted my client’s help to try to change things for the better. For all of us.  Most of them were not paid by my client.  They were doing what they were doing because they really believed he could help make a difference.  They really believed they could change things.  Youthful optimists.

Part of the due diligence of making a decision to actually run for the U.S. Congress was a political fact-finding visit to Washington DC.  Ironically, as the plane touched down, I realized this political visit was exactly 50 years after my first one.  The first one was for me, this one for my client.  I smugly knew what to expect.  It’s one thing to be around those who haven’t given up on it all, but it’s another thing to rub elbows with the politicians themselves.  I secretly thought, “We’ll give them a chance to hang themselves with their own words, attitudes, and behaviors.”

Over the course of a few days, we met, one at a time, privately, with seven members of the U.S. Congress, representing the most well-known, highest ranking leaders.

One of the things we wanted to know is why they wanted to become and or remain a senator or member of the House.  Here is what I discovered:

One said, “I am only a Freshman Senator, I can’t get much done here in Washington, but when I go home, because I am a senator I can get people to sit down and talk to each other who otherwise wouldn’t to get things done, locally, that our people need to have happen.”

Another said essentially the same thing regarding getting things done internationally.

Another said, “Part of the solution to what’s going on here in Congress is to have greater gender balance.  Men behave better with women around; women behave better when men are around. I’m here to help make that happen.”

Senator after senator, all of them, repeated some version of those stories.

The last Congressman we met, a man well known to most Americans, a man who probably had the least amount of time, sat with us over an hour.  At one point he said, “I’ve been in the Senate a very long time.  I have seen it all. Since my first day here,

there has not been a day that has gone by where at least once I have had the feeling of immense gratitude wash over me.  Gratitude knowing, that because I am here, doing what I get to do, that I have the opportunity to make people’s lives better.  I don’t believe that there is any job in government, even the presidency which gives me as much of an opportunity to do the good I get to do as I have by being a Senator.”

As he finished a tear leaked out.

I left D.C. realizing that if there is a “problem” with Congress, I’m it.  Complaining about it is like complaining, day after day, that my car has a flat tire.   I might not have caused it, but it stays flat because I don’t do anything to get it changed.  I blame the tire for being flat.

I had gone into this experience expecting what I “knew” to be true to about politics and politicians, to manifest itself, and didn’t find it.  I once again, realized that just like you and me, they are doing the best they know how to do. They got up today wanting this day to be the best one yet.

Maybe this is what the Dali Lama knows.  About all of us.

What I know is I was wrong again.

La Jolla means “The Jewel”.  The Jewel is a stretch of spectacular California coastline just 20 minutes (it used to take four hours to travel the 14 miles or so from San Diego) north of San Diego.

I was mesmerized as I walked the spectacular “Coastal Walk” trail early in the morning along La Jolla’s beaches and cliffs complete with sea caves, Pelicans, Cormorants, Sea Gulls, Sea Lions and Seals.  I felt like (and was) a special guest as I watched all those characters going about their lives.  Sleeping, fishing, swimming, talking, picking at each other. The pelicans cruising in formation, just inches above the water, while others would dive straight down into the ocean from what seemed like hundreds of feet in the air and come up out of the water with breakfast.  I saw the babies and also those whose life had recently ended.  As Teveve, in “Fiddler on the Roof” calls it; it was the ‘full catastrophe’ of life.  Everything that is a part of life was right before me. It was amazing.  Glorious.  Totally unexpected. Totally magical.

Over the next day or so I learned some other things.

I learned that these animals “smell”.  Quite frankly, as I walked that walk I felt like I was being invited into the critter’s homes.  I smelled them.  The area smelled as I would expect their homes to smell.  It smelled of the sea.  I didn’t realize they “smelled badly”.

I learned that there is a movement to do something about the “awful stench” of all those critters. Apparently some of the locals and some of the businesses have mounted a campaign to power wash the rocks and cliffs so that the pelicans, and seals, and sea lions smell more like – Well, I don’t know what – but some believe that it would be more pleasant; some better for business.

I learned that at night, groups of people wade into the seal and sea lion colonies and beat them, sometimes to death, apparently for fun and because they can.

I was reminded also of some other things about us humans, about being a “visitor”.

Some of us believe that it continues to be our job, as parents, to parent our adult children.  Tell them what WE think they should do.  Remind them, sometimes subtly; sometimes not so subtly; sometimes knowingly; sometimes unknowingly, that they haven’t quite arrived, haven’t quite got it, that they need us to continue to be parents like we were when they were young.  Even when their brevity on the phone, or lack of returning our cards, letters, e-mails and texts might suggest there is a problem in the relationship, we, instead of wondering what our part might be, decide that they are being selfish and self-centered, and ungrateful.

Some of us seem to believe it is our earned right to judge how they live their lives/try to change them, as some believe we need to “change the smell” of the seals and pelicans, “after all we have done for them”.  We believe they owe us, for all the sacrifices we have made. And sometimes continue to make on their behalf.  Our parenting hasn’t been an unconditional gift to them, but an investment that we expect a return on.

Here’s what I believe.  Our parenting opportunity and obligation has a time limit.  There comes a point where we get to keep the title, “Parent Emeritus” perhaps, and it is in everyone’s best interest that we let go of the role. We’ve had our chance to tell them, teach them, monitor them, expect of them.

Our new role might be best defined as “invited guest”, because that’s exactly what we are.  They can, and quite often will, exclude us from the parts of their lives they think we have no business in. Not returning phone calls, or letters, or texts, or hanging up when we begin to tell them what we think they should do about their business, are but ways of letting us know that we’re overstepping our bounds as ”guest”.

This new role assumes we have no parental “rights” to further parent our children because they are our children.  We have no right to their bodies (”When are you going to give me a grandchild”), their homes, their relationships, or their lives; unless invited.  If we choose to behave as if we have a perpetual right, because they are our children, we, and they, will pay a price.

Even when invited, we need to tread very carefully because the words we use will have an effect much more powerful than anyone else’s words.  Ever and forever.  Especially, if those words are negative and judgmental.

That means, for those of us who have lived for our children, whose purpose in life has been to give them a good one, will be challenged to find a new focus, a new role.  As friend, as confidant, as a source of unconditional love.  For many of us, a new role.  A new relationship with our children.

I was once told, “The book you are writing will never be finished, at some point in time you will just have to let it go”.  I believe the same is true with our parenting.

We wouldn’t wander into and go rummaging around in the private places of a friend’s home or life without permission, we need to give our children the same respect.

A poet, Kahil Giban says it well,

On Children

– Alan Greenspan, Economist and former Chairman of The Federal Reserve

When it comes to investing, we are our own worst enemies. Rather than being dependent on quantitative financial realities, markets are driven by cognitive biases and human emotions. When we are excited and see others making money we want to dive in. Whether it is a rare tulip bulb in 1670 Netherlands, a 2000 internet stock, or a 2006 piece of prime real estate in Florida, when we feel like we are missing out, it makes us crazy. When we follow our instincts, we just can’t help buying high.

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– Benjamin Graham, widely recognized as the father of value investing and mentor to Warren Buffet

Economists, professors of personal finance, and mathematicians have developed complex, statistical models to predict how stocks should be valued, how markets should react to changes in the financial, social, and political environment, and how investors should behave. These traditional finance methods were based on the assumption that investors are rational, markets are efficient, and returns are a function of risk. However, in the wake of the technology bubble and the real estate crisis, financial experts have been forced to acknowledge the terrible flaws in these assumptions. Research in the emerging fields of behavioral finance and financial psychology have confirmed what astute financial historians, such as Benjamin Graham, have long recognized: investors are irrational, markets are inefficient, and returns are influenced by emotion and cognitive biases. Cognitive biases and emotional investing are part of the human condition. However, with some insight and fortitude, we can override these natural impulses and rise above our animal brains. What follows is the first of a three part series on common investor mistakes and how to avoid them:

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When faced with big decisions, people like to go with their guts. That’s reasonable because, when you face a fork in life’s road, it’s wise to bring your colon and small intestine.

My guts usually say, “Send more Cheetos,” but when confronted with a demanding task, I “work my guts out.” When it’s time for truth-telling (like where all the Cheetos went), I “spill my guts.” And when things go wrong, I’ve been “kicked in the gut.”

There’s also “showing some guts” by committing to a course of action. This was best demonstrated by the love bugs that peppered my windshield every spring in Florida. As the doomed insects splattered across the window, I’d say to Mrs. Your Money, “That took guts.”

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The question is, why? When we all know the right decisions to make, why is it so difficult to make it happen? Psychologists and behavioral economists have some answers:

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by Brad Klontz, Psy.D.

ust about everyone has a complicated relationship with money. Studies show that money is the no. 1 reason for divorce in the early years of marriage and a common area of conflict for couples. Even before the recession, 3 out of 4 Americans identified money as the no. 1 source of stress in their lives. Financial strain has been found to reduce relationship satisfaction, worsen depression, and lead to emotional problems, health difficulties, and poor work performance. With record high debt and record low savings rates in the years leading up to the economic crisis, the average American seemed to suffer from a money disorder.

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TRAINING PROGRAMS

Mr. Grubman works with family offices and large wealth management firms, and consults with advisers seeking new communication skills and coaching tools to help clients work through issues. He and other colleagues in the field created the Financial Therapy Association in 2010 as a center for research.

Brad Klontz, a therapist and certified financial planner, trains advisers and is helping Kansas State University develop a certificate in financial therapy. He teaches advisers coaching strategies for talking to clients about their early experiences involving money, such as what they learned from their parents on the subject, and techniques for helping clients who are resisting change.

“Advisers can borrow from the field of psychology to have the tools and techniques to help clients change destructive financial behaviors,” Mr. Klontz said.

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Everyone overspends a little and splurges on occasion. But for many, “keeping up with the Joneses” becomes an overwhelming obsession that can lead to financial ruin.

Regardless of how much one makes, if they spend beyond their income, their finances will eventually fall into a downward spiral.

Keeping Up with the Jonses happens to everyone from ordinary Americans to even the rich and famous who declare bankruptcy and lose their homes to foreclosure.

Financial psychologists say the drive to splurge and keep up with the Joneses is rooted more in psychology than a lack of financial skills. Animal brain thinking, the need to fill a void or the desire to simply impress, can drive people to irrationally overspend on material items.

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The most depressing day of the year supposedly takes place right around now. It’s also prime time to be tempted into shopping as a cure for the blues.

According to a new survey conducted by Harris Interactive on the behalf of CouponCabin.com, it is currently peak “retail therapy” season. By far, survey respondents pointed to winter as the season in which they were most likely to try to boost their mood by going shopping. Overall, 36% of consumers said winter was the top season for retail therapy, while 11% pointed to summer, the second most popular choice.

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