The Unified Blog of Everything

One Last Time

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 13:44:00 +0000

Back in 2006, it was cool to blog. The cool kids blogged and the lesser mortals read. That's how it used to be. The internet was relatively young. Social networks weren't full of pictures of food and cats. Heck, there was only one social network. And it wasn't full of pictures of food or cats. Or targeted advertising. Or government spying. Or all your relatives. It was all about fraandships. Fraandships, fraandships everywhere. And no 'Like' button to protest against corruption. Seriously, back in 2006 activists thought revolution required walking with banners in the sun. Such fools! Working at the grass root level to make a difference and all. Passe! Back in 2006, there was no fad by the name of social media. No internet memez to make you laughz. You had to talk to people on the bus. And smile at people in the lift. You didn't know the luxury of endlessly watching a 3.9 inch resolutionary screen stream the daily activities of your 1000+ friends. Who all care about you by the way. So much. So very many much. On every birthday. Which they totally remember. Back in 2006, the internet was the playground of tech-savvy kids. They e-mailed pictures, e-mailed songs. They e-mailed videos and they e-mailed pr0n. They e-mailed everything. They didn't +1, tweet or want you "in". They were the hipsters of their time. Before being one was cool. Back in 2006, when it was cool to blog.

The Unified Blog of Everything started in 2006 as a place to have fun with friends, poke fun at friends and laugh with friends. It grew into a dump of off-and-on creative sprees, many times at the expense of others. But it was always all about friends. And for friends. Some posts were amazing, some terrible, but nothing was ever copied. Nothing was pretentious. Nothing was faked. Every post was written in character. For comic reasons or otherwise. The last post was made in 2010. Some of the memorable content is available below. If you are reading this after 2010, all references are null and void, all pictures and illustrations are staged or photoshopped, and all views expressed are that of someone famous like Mithun Chakraborty, not mine.

One Last Time.
-xero0ne

Tribute

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 21:03:00 +0000

लौहपुरुष : एक महामानव की कथा

सन उन्निस सौ अट्ठासी में
अदभुत सा चमत्कार हुआ
जब ब्रह्मपुत्र के साए में
कलियुग का यह अवतार हुआ

भारत की पावन धरती पर
एक नेक कार्य सम्पन्न हुआ
उस दूर प्रांत अरुणाचल में
जब रचित चन्द्र का जन्म हुआ

दूरस्थ क्षेत्र में रह कर भी
शिक्षा का न अपमान किया
बस उद्यम के संबल पर ही
संसार में अपना नाम किया

विज्ञान की उस परीक्षा में
प्रशिक्षण न स्वीकार किया
बस बुद्धिमानी के बल पर ही
शीर्षांकों से वह पार किया

समस्त देश का भ्रमण किया
हर भाषा में संवाद किया
लज्ज़त के इस शौक़ीन ने जब
एक कुकुरपेठ का स्वाद लिया

विलायत की उस कन्या को
तब प्रेम अग्न का रोग हुआ
जब अमेरिका की गलियों में
अंतर-नस्लीय सम्भोग हुआ

फ़्रांसीसी राज्य में दूत बने
वे सात समंदर पार गए
जिस देश में उनके चरण पड़े
लोगों में बांधे तार नए

अपने प्रताप के बलबूते
वे विपदाओं के पार गए
वे नहीं किसी से डरते थे
पर किसी नहीं से हार गए

सत्ता के उस भंवर में उनका
नेक प्रजा ने साथ दिया
वे विजयी नहीं हो पाए तो क्या
हमें नैतिकता का पाठ दिया

एक दुष्ट प्राणी के कर्मों से
मित्रों को जब वनवास मिला
तब रचित चन्द्र के सब्र से उनको
धैर्य मिला विश्वास मिला

सम्मान मिला संसार मिला
एक मधुर प्रेम का साथ मिला
बंगाल प्रांत की बाला को
जब रचित चन्द्र का हाथ मिला

प्रबंधन की दिशा में चल
व्यापार जगत में नाम मिला
जब प्रथम वर्ष के बालक को
श्री रचित चन्द्र का ज्ञान मिला

रचना-प्रधान एक काम मिला
अपनी मेहनत का दाम मिला
शर्मा कुल के उस शशांक को
जब रचित चन्द्र का नाम मिला

उस लघु नगर के विद्यालय में
भ्रष्टाचार का अंत हुआ
जिसको भी यह व्यक्तित्व दिखा
वह खलनायक भी संत हुआ

वे शिष्टाचार के स्वामी हैं
सुवचन के वे विधाता हैं
माना तन से बलवान नहीं
पर बुद्धिलोक के दाता हैं

उनका न कोई सानी है
वे महासंत महाज्ञानी हैं
सुंदर सशक्त स्वाभिमानी हैं
ये रचित चन्द्र की कहानी है

==============================

कवि : विनीत केशरी

सहायक : अमन नीलप्पा, शैलेश झा

==============================

Why Football is better than Cricket

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 10:10:00 +0000

"I'm tired of the inferior cricket fans watching IPL and India's matches all the time, and saying that Football isn't as sophisticated. It is the greatest sport on the planet, and that is why us elite football fans love it so much.

Football is a better sport than cricket any day, and here's why:

And there can be a lot of variety in the way you run.. like sprint, run, and somewhere between sprint and run.

The rest of the times its just 'Oh!'s and 'Aaah!'s, mostly from people who are trying to show everyone else that they understand what is going on.

I have at least twenty friends who spend an hour a day looking at these dramatic pictures and videos, when they aren't updating their Gtalk status with the latest Football gossip, that is.

Really, it does. It is much more difficult than hitting a small ball coming at you at 160 km/h, bouncing and turning, into the gap between two fielders standing 5m apart.

But the beauty of Football lies in its simplicity, doesn't it? Sure, there isn't any regard for rules and regulations, nor is there any technology to enforce them, but hey, doesn't that make the game all the more interesting? I mean, you know.. right? Its like.. all cool.. and stuff.

Why play cricket and develop self-respect.. when you can lie, cheat and fake injuries at the International level, and still be considered a great player.

Of course, the popularity of football is made possible by:

And if you had only half a brain like I do, you'd love Football too, because it is the only sport you'd be able to fully understand."

Football fans are also one of you and me, really. They were just born this way.

Instead of laughing at them, we should treat them as though they are very special.

You're all winners, football fans. You're all winners.

And Football is a much better sport than cricket.

Webcomic Tryouts: Power X-treme

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Tue, 25 May 2010 04:27:00 +0000

Power X-treme #1

Power X-treme #2

Power X-treme #3

Power X-treme was created on a lonely Saturday out of boredom alone.

Stills from The Centuriouns: Episode 1 and Microsoft Powerpoint were used to make it.

There are no sequels planned.

Also, since you've made it this far, here's a bonus cut-out scene:

Come on! Isn't that funny?

A Bloggers' guide to writing Blogposts on your Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Sat, 22 May 2010 17:11:00 +0000

Blogging ka superhit formula

So you've decided you want to write your own blog. Awesome!.. but I'm sure you're confused about where to start.

Worry not. You've come to the right place. This guide is your friend.

Lesson 1: Vocabulary

To start with, every individual post on you blog is not called a blog.

Don't go up to other bloggers and say "Hey man! That last blog you wrote was sooo cool man."

You're talking about that post on my only blog, right? ThankYou.

You must always know the right words to use. Otherwise, you'll look stupid.

Fine. I know that now. Can we start?

Lets.

Lesson 2: Know what you want from your blog

Ask yourself the question: "Why do I want to blog?"

Give it a thought and write it down on a piece of paper.

Once you're done, continue reading.

Possible answers you wrote to that question are:

I want to make people laugh.
I want to improve my writing skills.
I want to develop my creative talent.
I want to express myself freely.
I want to prepare for GRE.

Do you have your answer ready on a piece of paper? Good. Now tear that piece of paper.

You want to blog because you want to get laid.

If you think there's another reason its an illusion. Know this. Its important. If you don't, you will waste your time being creative and funny, and that won't get you anywhere. You won't get laid. Plan ahead.

Okay I accept it. I am horny and I want to impress the ladies. What now?

Good. You can now continue to

Lesson 3: Blog Title

Your blog title is important. It is a reflection of what you want the girls to think you are as a human being.

There are two popular formats. Choose one depending on your target female audience:

Do you want..

1) Chicks who dig successful men, who can give them everything

2) Chicks who dig liars, who can make them feel good all the time

(There is no other category of girls. Sorry.)

If you chose 1), here's how to make a blog title:

Open the dictionary and look for very long words you have never heard of.
Pick two out of them, one adjective and one noun.
Write them out in the following order:

'The' + adjective + noun.

If the noun is confusing enough, you can skip the adjective altogether.

Done? Good.

What does it look like?

The Perspicacious Whirlwind ?
The Discombobulated Virtuoso ?
The Necromantic Trailblazer ?
The Peripatetic ?

Great. Women will now think you're cool because you know these long english words and refer to yourself as 'The'

If you chose 2) above, follow these steps:

Think of a common object, and think of a common property of this common object.
Now, think of the opposite of this property.
Done? Now write them down as follows:

opposite property + object

Do you know what you have here?

Its a phrase that will make chicks think you're a philosopher.

Here are some examples:

Frozen Fire
Broken Locks
Dark Sunshine
White Charcoal

I know. Such a name doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Don't think of logic, chicks are turned on by a lack of it. Do you want logic or do you want sex?

I have a cool blog title now. Does it mean I will get laid?

Not really. Women won't believe you just because you claim to be something that turns them on. You will have to prove it. Fortunately, most women only need one line of convincing evidence. And that brings you to

Lesson 4: Blog Description

See that one line you get to write under your Blog title. Use it.

If you chose option 1 in Lesson 3 above, all you need to do is look up the definition of the two words and write it down.

This will make women think that you really know those long words, which means you really are that cool.

If you chose option 2, write a simple line suggesting that you're a thinker.

"My experiences in college"
"My thoughts about happiness"
"My perspective on life"

They're all good.

Now you are an established philosopher.

You've made it this far. Awesome!

Half your work is already done.

Really? Should I start sending them friendship requests now?

Not so fast. The next thing you need to worry about is

Lesson 5: Content

I know you're creative, and knowledgable, and smart. Everyone thinks he is.

But those things won't get you in bed. Besides, you aren't.

You should always write about the most average experiences in life that all women can relate to.

If something extra-ordinary happens to you and you tell them about it, they won't like it.

As a fail-safe topic, write about your coming-of-age story.

Here are a few examples:

The first time you drove a car
Your beliefs on the existence of God
You feelings on passing out of college
That random thing that happened the other day when you were having that random conversation with your random friend.

All of these are very common things that almost every girl can relate one experience in her life to.

And when you're done with the text, its time for

Lesson 6: The photograph

Irrespective of how mundane your words are, you should always add an image to your post. It doesn't even need to be a photograph you've taken yourself. Google for some good pictures and add them at the end of the text.

A few things you should consider while choosing the picture:

There must be a beautiful scenery. Chicks get turned on by flowers and hills and the likes.
There should be a confused woman sitting alone on a bench. It will remind the girls of their lonely side.
Half of it should be out of focus. It will show that you have depth in your character.
If you can, get a grayscale image. It will show that you have class.

With that beautiful scenery to back you up, all your thoughts will look ten times more meaningful.

What if I like photography and want to upload my own pictures?

Don't.

Do you know who likes photography? Losers who are untalented enough to think its a skill. You don't want chicks to think that about you, do you? Nobody cares about how good you are at using photoshop.

You're almost there. Good job! Now add to your post

Lesson 7: The Punchline

Every girl likes an article with a good photograph.. but more than that every girl likes to leave one on a decisive note.

Irrespective of what you've written in your post, finish it with words that will make women think you really believe in something.

Try to appeal to their grudges and inadequancies.

For example,

That day will forever rest in my mind as a symbol of the victory of good over evil.

and

It makes me think. Does any one say that his mother is ugly?

are perfect punchlines that tickle women's memory and make even the most pointless thoughts sound great.

Famous feel-good quotes also work.

Finish with something like this:

As [well known writer] rightly said,

"Its not what has happened. Its whats about to happen."

I must agree with [another well known author] when he said:

"You're only as good looking as you think you are."

While you may be smart enough to understand that such loser talk has no practical significance, women aren't.

There you go! She is totally drooling for you by now.

I totally know how to write now. Should I start?

Just one more thing!

Lesson 8: Advertise

Women work in packs. You already know that, don't you? If one girl likes something, ten more will like it without even thinking about it.. and your target isn't one girl, its all of them.

Buzz everyone on your Gtalk list and ask them to write a comment on your post. If need be, act all sweet and needy to extract sympathy. Since you are requesting them to do it, nobody will write anything negative. And unless your friends are sarcastic pricks, they will try to encourage you. Even a simple "nice post" or "well said" from all of them will do. This will, of course, get you more women. The more comments they see, the more they will like your post, because everyone else seems to like it, and in turn, want to comment on it to show how they also think in the same way.

Got it! Anything else?

Yes. Remember

Lesson 9: Always stick to the 5,6,7,8 formula, as described in the lessons with the same numbers above. It is how most of the Press Club and newspaper articles are written. It works! You will find yourself in bed with that girl in no time. Trust me.

All this is great, but it only covers positive things. What if I don't like something? What if I want to show how I'm better than someone? What do I write?

I knew you were going to ask, so here's a bonus lesson.

Lesson 10: Be angry, not funny

If you don't like something, don't bother making fun of it. Just shout at it at the top of your voice and type out your words. Insert 'fuck', 'fucking' and 'fucked up' at appropriate places and write some of them in capitals to make them sound more angry.

If you don't like someone, Insult him. Don't mock him.

An angry backlash will establish you as an alpha male.

That way, chicks will think that you're a man with strong opinions.

For example, if you think people write stupid blogposts, mocking their style of writing by making a spoof guide to blogging won't be liked by anyone.

Instead, this is what you should write:

"All of you are so fucking retarded. Just because you gave your blog what you think is a cool title and read a few books by Ayn Rand does not mean you're a thinker. You neither have the skill to write well nor are your opinions anywhere close to what you really are. You are just stating what is fucking obvious to everyone else. Its about time you realized that you're not fucking different from everyone else and your life is not at all interesting. Stop blogging."

It has been statistically proven that men who take the former approach do not get laid.
Women like you if you are angry.

Congratulations! You have successfully completed Blogging 101.

We wish you a dirty sex life.

As Henry Ford once said:

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right!"

3-1

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Fri, 21 May 2010 03:03:00 +0000

Leave me alone

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Sat, 15 May 2010 05:27:00 +0000

India

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Mon, 10 May 2010 01:01:00 +0000

Life in Bhagirath Village

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 04:53:00 +0000

Its been ten days, and life in Bhagirath village is as laid back as that of a Navy officer after spending six months at sea. It seems like yet another peaceful and uneventful desert town on the outside. Take a closer look at the mess-side (not mess-facing) upper pi wing, however, and you will notice that it isn't all smoke and green after all.

To start with, my namesake and (ex-)wingie Vineet Pandey, who is now a Backlog student, is back on campus. To make things worse, he has been alotted a room next to that of his nemesis. You may think that that is the cruelest joke the random nature of the Universe can play at you until you visit Room no. 258 in Bhagirath, where Rachit Chandra is living next to Nobody.

Cornered on the other side of the wing, Anurag Dutta has been made to study Bode Plots for another four months after a high-tech 'Pen Check Test' conducted by one of the thousand Deans in the highly dysfunctional bureaucratic system of BITS proved him guilty of adding a leading '1' to a requisition letter.

King of DoTA Vishal Vejani, who has made up his mind to set up an empire of Imitation Jewellery, has been fighting hard to gain access to the Temple of Zuma with SunGod priviliges.

In other news, chocolate boy Kunal Batra, who has successfully evaded more than seventy proposals from ovulating BITSian women in the past three years, has finally come out of the closet and publically announced his sexual preference on his GTalk status message.

Also easily noticable (in fact, impossible to miss even on Google Earth) is Binit Ranjan Mishra, who has been alotted the middle room to maintain the centre of gravity within the wing (and also to keep the moon within the Earth's gravitational field). He has put up a curtain in his room as well, to protect his precious and delicate body from the perverted eyes of the three people who will bother to check out what he's upto in the next five months.

While Golden Boot of BITS Sathe Akshay Rajendraprasad and Nine Point Something Mohta Mayank Prakash have been struggling with the name fields on their resume, Rashik Gupta has been receiving fragments of romantic poetry from his secret crush.

Stargazer Amey Parulekar and my favourite gult in the whole world Karteek Addanki, as usual, are Geeks.

With upto six hours of powercuts, an erratic water supply and a disastrous LAN distribution switch, Bhagirath Village has become alarmingly similar to BITS Goa.

Thankfully, Swine Flu hasn't created as much of a havoc so far, but the aptly named Little Green Mofos have ruined Vishal Jaiswal's plans of jerking off with the lights on.

As for Yours truly, Divya Saraf agreed to tie him a rakhi after 'The Dude from Lucknow' Swati Singh, for reasons undisclosed, blatantly refused to do so, causing a minor glitch in her neonatal relationship with a particular StuCCAn of a department that thinks it controls(z) everything.

As the moment of arrival of Dhananjai Gaur, Anant Prakash and Yahoo! Software draws nearer, and as Ayush Saksena, Shailee Jain and Surbhi Chowdhary continue to struggle with the wires and holes on their breadboards, Senti sem at BITS promises to be a 100 day long tale of Intellectual Conversations, Critical Decisions and Situation Comedy.

Here's to Retirement!

The Saksena Limit

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:47:00 +0000

This just in:

Scientists at Xero0ne Labs have finally calculated a criteria for evaluating human behavior.

The theorem, named after its founder Ayush Saksena (BE MSc), classifies all humorous or attempted-humorous actions into two categories:

Tafri
Chutiyaap

According to the theorem, above a certain limit, all so called nautanki ceases to be Tafri and becomes Chutiyaap. This limit, derived empirically through repeated experimentation on the Maturity Levels of test subjects from the Despo Doodh group, has been named 'The Saksena Limit' in honor of the founder of the theorem.

However, The Saksena Limit is highly stochastic.

It depends on factors such as:

Whether or not the joke is cracked by Ayush Saksena
Whether or not the joke is on Ayush Saksena
Whether or not a girl Ayush Saksena could have slept with would change her mind because of the joke

The current value of The Saksena Limit has been estimated at 0.8 NPM.

Also, when we examine the graph of the derivative of the function, we can notice that there is a steep change in the function near the Saksena Limit, which indicates that a joke intended as Tafri can easily turn into Chutiyaap, if the almighty Saksena so decides.

Thus, we can also conclude that "There is a thin line between Tafri and Chutiyaap."

Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh Kumari Sushri Mayawati Ji has announced a prize of rupees 1 lakh and four marble statues for the founder scientist Ayush Saksena for this remarkable discovery.

Fashion and Football

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:50:00 +0000

Have you ever wondered why so many football players date supermodels?

Look around you. There are uncountable examples.

So what is it about footballers that women in the world of fashion cannot resist?

At Xero0ne labs, we are committed to research in emerging areas.

After two years of intense studies, our scientists have come up with the following results:

In a startling revelation, it was shown that the fashion-football attraction is caused by stimulation of the models' exposed skin by the reagents in a football player's sweat.

The phenomenon, known as Sweat Fetish, works as follows:

Playing football for a long time causes expansion of the sebacious glands due to excessive sweating. These swelled up glands start manufacturing concentrated amounts of strongly bonded larger organic molecules.

These molecules, which resemble the C-60 Fullrene, are known as Bi-Alkylated-Laevorotatory-Lacto-Spheres (BALLS).

On the other hand, the skin of women dressed up in minimal clothing becomes overly sensitive due to critical exposure to the atmosphere.

A typical model in revealing clothes was found to have a much higher concentration of the compund Bi-Oxy Ozono Butane (BOOB) on her skin, which acts as a receptor site.

When the BALLS molecules in the footballer's smelly sweat are dispersed in the air, they are adsorbed by the BOOBS receptors on the model's skin where they act as pheromones, leading to intense stimulation.

The entire process can be summarized by the equation:

With the above scientific knowledge, our scientists hypothesized the following typical first conversations between the two:

Scenario 1

Boy: What do you do?

Girl: I show off my body in skimpy outfits. And what do you do?

Boy: I kick a round object around in the playground.

Girl: We are both so grown up and mature. Lets fuck.

Scenario 2

Girl: You look tired.

Boy: I've been playing with my balls all day long.

Girl: But there's no one else on the field.

Boy: I like to play with myself.

Girl: Maybe I can join you. Will you teach me?

Boy: Sure. Do you want to know how I bend it?

And that is how it usually starts.

That done, we are now working on determining the future prospects for some other football players.

Further studies will be based on the following subject, who in his eight years of football, has failed to attract any cat-walking female.

Dendrites in Distress

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 21:06:00 +0000

You don't want to know what the reply to the question was!

Deja Vu

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 20:09:00 +0000

Three easy steps to get a deja vu:

1) Read this line

2) Click on Refresh

3) Be amazed

This has happened before.

Three easy steps to get a deja vu:

1) Read this line

2) Click on Refresh

3) Be amazed

In Defense of Goa Campus

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:17:00 +0000

This comes in response to the recent debate on Trikha's post.

I have lived for two years in the Pilani campus and for two months in the Goa Campus... and from what I have experienced I have finally been able to figure out the reason behind all the misundestanding.
When I speak, I speak for and on behalf of every single Goa campus student who has, at any point of his life, agreed to the following line printed in the BITS Herald:

"In terms of the atmosphere and the living conditions, it would be safe to say that Goa is way ahead of Pilani."
Here is an unbiased, logical and analytical treatment of the topic.
Now... lets make it interactive...
Where is the Goa Campus located?
Ans. On a highway, a kilometre away from Human civilization.
What does the Goa campus not have?
Ans. Freedom to roam around after eleven.
What else does Goa campus not have?
Ans. Good-looking Girls
What does the Goa campus lack?
Ans. Good food and eating joints
What is not present in the hostels?
Ans. Electricity, Water and Internet

Now, put yourself in this position.
Its Saturday night at 11:30.
You are the editor of the BITS Herald magazine.
You have to write something good about your campus but there just isn't anything to write about.
You have been locked inside your hostel one kilometre away from Human civilization.
You are hungry but you can't have food.
You are sweating in your room without any electricity.
You need to take a crap but there is no water.
You haven't seen a good-looking girl for three years and there is no internet to download 'similar things' from.
Just put yourself in this position!
If you were going through all of this... And then somebody from Pilani Campus came and told you of the superb life he has... tell me... What would you do?

C(hat) Strike!

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:52:00 +0000

Q) What does it take to be a Pro in CS ?
Ans. Anything but playing CS!

A lot of us fail to understand that CS isn't just about being good at the game... its about being good at the chat.
In any random round of Counter-Strike... a player uses more key presses to communicate in the *DEAD* chat than he does in actually playing the game.
You can be a brilliant player... but unless you know how to effectively utilize the 'Y' key in the 'cool' gaming way... you're as good as a n00b.
Vica versa... good communication skills can make the worst of players look like badass pros.

So what does it take to be a pro in CS chat?
Here is a head start for the rookie BITSian...

Lesson 1
'n00b' is not just a word.

Thats right.
Its not just a word. Its a designation.
Its like the biggest insult you can inflict on a player... calling him a n00b will make him both pissed off and look like a total moron, no matter how brilliant his game is.
Use this word carefully.
You don't want to be a victim.

Lesson 2
'Chut' is not just a word.

It probably is the most used term in BITSian CS.
Forget about all definitions you've heard earlier...
Nobody completely knows what this word stands for... but it sounds cool so it can be used to describe anything in CS:

The following usage, for example, is acceptable:

As an adjective...

"chut server"
"chut host"

As a noun...

"wat a chut man"
"chut died"

As both the adjective and the noun:

"X: wat a lame idiot!"
"Y: he's a chut sniper chut"

It can also be used as a lone statement when you've nothing to say... a standard reply:

"X: hey nice shot man!"
"Y: chut"

"X: chng map"
"Y: chut"

"X: server shutting down"
"Y: chut"

Lesson 3
Repitition is Assertiveness

To make your point clear, the words you use must have at least four repeated letters.
This is not like the usual repeated vowels used to plead for something, like the pleeeease and come oooon usually used in chats.
Here, instead of extending vowels, you have to repeat your consonants.

"Hey gr8 shot mannn!"
"dust is most besssssst!"
"Terpent Rulzzzz"
"Godddd PnT!"
"Funkkk play pppl"
"hey cool fraggg!"
"niccce one!"

According to experienced players, the number of repeated characters in a word is directly proportional to how much you mean it.

Lesson 4
Numbers are good

You must know the right nos. to use in the chat.
Saying 'Yes' or 'No' in response to a question both requires too much effort and is n00bish.
Use 1 for an affirmative and 2 for a negative. Always!

"X: de_aztec?"
"Y: 1"

"X: hey drunk u riddhi?"
"Y: 2"

However, the law of repitition (read 3 above) doesnt apply here...

11, for example does not mean "Yes Yes" or "very yes"
Instead, it stands for laughter.

"X: My grandmother can kill better than that"
"Y: 11"

'lol', 'lmao', 'haha' etc are now considered obsolete.
11, on the other hand... is kewl!

In case somebody says "111", it can be interpreted as both "Yes Ha ha ha" and "Ha Ha Ha Yes"

Lesson 5
roxx is rox!

CS player in BITS implies wannabe
And BITSian wannabe dierectly implies that everything rocks!

However, usage in the normal form is, once again, a sign of a n00b.

Its a priviliged word and must be used with care...
One must always follow the following code:

rox - above average
roxx - good
roxxx - brilliant
roxxxx - godlike
roxxxxx - goddlike

Every x added thereafter stands for one extra 'd' in godlike, which makes it more godlike (read 3 above).

Also, roxxx is not a vowel anymore.
Acceptable usage includes:

"Hey you are so roxxx mann"
"This map is so roxx"
"Hey roxxx shot dude"
"our clan is total roxxx ppl"

Lesson 6
Its kewl!

To seem like a good player, you will have to prove that you are an up-to-date wannabe...

Never use the word 'cool'... its passe.
Even 'kool' is now considered lame.
You might still just get away with 'kooool'... but the correct word to describe anything thats worth appreciating and has already been described by "roxx"... is "kewl!" (exclamation mark is absolutely necessary)

Next in line is "kul" which is fast gaining popularity but still hasn't reached the masses.
Use at your own risk.

Lesson 7
Be a Dood!

Addressing people in CS is a major concern.
Friend, Pal, Macha, Anna... though all very popular in normal BITSian conversations... should be avoided at all costs in a CS chat.
Everyone, no matter how wannabe he is, should be referred to as "dude!" (once again the exclamation mark is a must)

One can also use the phrase "kewl dude!" to refer to the very best of the lot.

However, pronounciation of the word in team chat should be strictly "dood!"
Any differently sounding word like "dude", "deud" or "diyood" will immediately defame you.

Lesson 8
You're the man!

The most important thing you must keep in mind while playing CS... is that you are playing it online.
This means that you can say anything to anybody and piss anybody to any extent without ever being discovered.

Make sure you are proficient in the use of as many swear words as possible.
Learn to use the word fuck as much as possible. (fucking, fucked and fukkkk must also be used to make a conversation meaningful)
Forget about seniority, respect and hieracrchy... He who can frag more is the man!

Playing online also means that you can make yourself sound as cool as possible... by giving yourself a fancy nickname.

While choosing a nickname, use as many 'X's, 'Q's, numbers and names of science fiction characters as possible... which will help in making you famous in the gaming (read geek) community. (more on nicknames here)

For the n00b, here are a few examples from the BITS gaming community:
Lord Voldermort
Serpent
Sp@rT@n
Avenger
ACID
Neo
L3oN!da$
and of course, yours truly with Xero0ne also deserves a special mention.

Lesson 9
Symbols are kewl

Give yourself a kewl name... and to make it kewler, Replace letters with symbols!
Here is a simple conversion table...

A : @ , ^
E : 3
I : !
M : ^^
N : |\|
S : $
V : \/

Using symbols makes your nick F^$C!N@T!NG, K3Wl and U|\|!Qu3

Lesson 10
Go$$!p

Whats a chat without gossip?
After dying within the first 30 seconds in a 5 minute game over and over again, the normal CS player is both irritated and bored.
When faced with such a situation, make something up, which is both interesting to the reader and insulting to somebody better than you at the game... and start gossiping!

If you can't think of anything creative... just keep repeating the following statement:

ACID rapes TnT
(Don't worry about redundancy, you will keep getting 11 as a response indefinitely... They don't have a sense of humour there)

This finishes your training as a beginner in CS...
Once you are done with these basics, learn to play the game.
It will help.

Dear Amey...

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 00:31:00 +0000

There has to be a reason why Amey never manages to retaliate to all the humiliation and insult he faces on this page.
On being challenged, this is the best he could come up with.

Why is Amey such a pussy?
Well...

Ten reasons why Amey couldn't retaliate:

1) He was busy getting turned down by yet another girl.

2) His computer kept crashing everytime he tried writing a post over ten characters long.

3) He is too depressed already to handle my counter-attack.

4) He kept forgetting the sequence he had memorized for typing KESHARI on his new DVORAK keyboard.

5) Nobody reads his blog anyway.

6) Linux doesn't support it.

7) He forgot what he had thought of writing by the time his computer finished booting.

8) He's afraid his new blog will also get blocked.

9) His brain stopped working after spending twenty seven days on writing a single post on Four Years in Hell.

10) "Retaliation is baed... mkay?"

I'm sure I've got him pretty enraged now.
Its time to punch the wall again... Dear Amey!

Summer 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 22:19:00 +0000

A pictorial description...

My summer :

Pandey's summer :

Saksena's summer :

Sarthak's summer :

Binit's summer :

Rachit's summer :

Amey's summer :

Tapan's summer :

Happy Holidays Everybody!

Enter Sandman

noreply@blogger.com (Vineet Keshari) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:08:00 +0000

Presenting...
Rachu Machu the Boxer...

Status: Single and Desperate

He's Young.
He's Successful.
He's Hairy.

And now... He's Rich!

Lets hear it for The Sandman...

Going Global!

Rachit Chandra
2006A7PS012

The W.I.N.G. is proud of you.