World Wide Weird News

Chinese Hope To Make British Car That Works

2011-05-30T21:10:00.000+07:00

Remember the MG? Worse yet, did you ever own one? Then cower in fear. The Chinese bought the MG brand name and are about to open a plant to build the malfunctioning suckers in Oklahoma.

The Nanjing Automobile Group, which acquired bankrupt MG Rover Group last year, plans to be the first Chinese automaker to open a factory in the US. The product will be called the MG TF Coupe and will be out in 2008.

Let’s hope they do a better job with the racy brand than the Brits did.

I never did own an MG, but I owned another British car, a venerable Jaguar, that I had repaired at a place that specialized in servicing MGs.

Here is my story, with one caveat. I understand now that Ford bought the Jag brand, it works better.

My old Jaguar XJ 6 sedan was a beauty, prettiest car on the road. Only trouble is the mechanical aspects brought home the idea of a hornet's nest. There were always at least five things going wrong at the same time.

To save money on the upkeep, I used to take it to place that worked on MGs instead of to the Jag dealer. I asked the guy who ran the shop, a wily Irishman, why the cars always had problems.

“Well, you know the limeys," he replied with a ornery glint in his eyes. "A bunch of socialists. So they’re on the assembly line, and they see an engine with a loose screw. So Frank looks at Harry and says, “Harry, would you look at that? A loose screw.”

And Harry says, “Why, yes, I believe you've got that right. It is a loose screw. ”

But do either one of them bend over and tighten it. No. The engine just keeps moving along the assembly line.

Then there was the day I was parked outside the shop, waiting for a space inside the busy place, so I could pull my car in for repairs, when suddenly I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Then there was a huge thump on the side of the car near the sidewalk. I turned and an otherwise normal-looking businessman in a suit had a furious look on his face and was actually kicking my car.

I rolled down the window and, in keeping with the British spirit of the car, I asked calmly, “Excuse me, sir, but why are you kicking my car?”

“I used to own one of these damn things,” he shouted, “and every time I see one I think how many problems I had with it and I get upset.” Then he quieted down, as if the confession let the hottest steam out. “I’m sorry,” he went on, “but I couldn’t help myelf.”

“That’s OK,” I said, “I might decide to kick it myself.”

Then there were the two worst problems I had with it. The drain in the dashboard for the air conditioner used to get plugged. Apparently, it was too small. Anyway, the condensation would build up, and pretty soon I could hear water sloshing in the dashboard. The real problem was, when I turned a corner, the water would rush to one side and pour out of the vent onto my lap or, worse yet, onto the lap of the person who was unfortunate enough to be on the passenger side.

The other rather inconvenient problem was, when I’d be driving down the highway at night and a car would come my way, and I’d push on the button on the floor to dim the headlights, they’d go out completely. That’s right. I’d be hurtling down the highway in pitch darkness, except for the scant illumination provided by the distant oncoming lights. So I’d quickly start slamming at the button, and, after three or four desperate shots, back on would come the headlights.

When I brought the problem to the attention of my world-weary mechanic, he referred to the name of the manufacturer of the electrical setup, as he informed me, “You now what they call the Lucas electrical system, don’t you? The prince of darkness.”

To add insult to injury, I went to the automobile show at the old New York Collesum one year. When I saw the Jag on display, I went up to the dealer in attendance and asked, "Why can’t they make a Jaguar that works right?”

He smiled slyly and gestured toward the sleek, gleaming grey sedan, and just said, “But look at it.”

Yep, if you liked the design, you were expected to put up with the malfunctions.

Last, when the time came that I could no longer stand the wreck, primarily because the radiator wouldn’t stop leaking, I looked in the yellow pages for the places that buy used cars. I saw an ad that said "2000 Cars Wanted."

I called. The guy who answered was very receptive till he asked, “What kind of car do you have?”

“A Jaguar,” I confessed.

“Oh," he said, his voice growing recessive, “that’s the only car we don’t take.”

So I loaded the radiator of the embarrassingly rejected beast up with fresh water and drove it to the nearest dealer in American cars, swearing I’d never buy another import. Fortunately, I arrived before the thing started to smoke and managed to make a halfway decent deal.

I drove out in a new American car. While it didn't turn out to be a flawless mechancial achievement, either, it was at least a hundred times better than the Jag.

Obviously, this article strayed from MGs, but the car was cut from the same carelesss cloth as the Jag. Both brands help account for why, in these sleekly robotic times of exact Japanese assembly, English cars now own even less of the road than Detroit’s.

Chicken Rearing 101 – How Not to Raise Chickens

2011-05-29T21:10:00.000+07:00

Chick: A hatchling

Capon: A castrated male used for meat. (How much could that yield?)

Pullet: A female chicken under one year old.

Hen: A female chicken over one year of age

Rooster: A male chicken over one year of age.

Raising Chickens for the first time can be intimidating. When I first called the Feed Shop, I was trying to sound like a pro. I asked, “Do you sell pullets?” “Yes”, the man replied. “Are they all females?” It’s been an uphill battle ever since.

Pullet parenthood is an much of an adventure as child rearing, only with more feces per pound of body weight. However, I’ve been reading quite a bit on poultry matters. (Yes, my coolness just turned over in its grave.) So if I am correct and I am quite certain I am not, here is how chicken rearin’ goes.

Go to your local feed store and purchase $10.00 worth of chicks and $50 worth of food and supplies. Don’t forget the water dispensers. Buying the metal ones, never plastic is always advised. I have yet to see a metal one.

Next, place the chicks somewhere sheltered, like a bedroom closet. Toss in some highly flammable straw or wood shavings and promptly dangle a glowing heat lamp just above them. Note to self: Update homeowner’s policy.

For the next several weeks feed them 3 lbs of food per day and remove 4 lbs of sh*t per day from the closet. Despite all logic the birds get bigger. As the adult feathers grow in be sure to clip one of their wings. That is one per bird, not just one wing total. If clipping is done late chicks will nest in your toilet. This is a bad thing.

Clipping can be accomplished by tossing your scissors and your body into the heaping mound of chicks, poop and straw. Grab a wiggling screeching bird from the bile pile. Restrain it with one hand. Stretch the wing out with your second hand. Clip off 50% of the wings outer ten feathers with your third hand.

As the birds grow adjust the heat light temperature down by one degree per day. No, this is not actually possible. That’s not my point. You start at 100 degrees for hatchlings then continue down by one degree per day until your bedroom is a minimum of 3 degrees cooler than the spring blizzard outside your window.

Once you have frozen your ear to your semi-cannibalistic down pillow and the chicks have grown their adult feathers, they can be moved outside to the coop. I estimate the initial closet rearing stage to have taken five years.

Before the move, experience the Joy of Wing Clipping one more time. Feather clipping never works the first time. No one knows why. Still, after all the hassle you probably don’t want them to fly the coop in under sixty seconds. Of course, if you’re like me, by this time you may be inclined to pack them each a lunch and leave a stack of Greyhound tickets by the open coop gate.

Regarding habitat construction: Hen houses and chicken coops are a competitive art form. There are a myriad of web sites showing off architectural designs from Chicken Chateaus to Bird Bordellos. The meticulous craftsmanship makes my own home look like – well – like a chicken coop.

Always fashionable, I went with a shabby chic motif for my coop. The nesting boxes are an eclectic mix of stolen milk crates affixed to the wall by anything in arms reach. As for the coop itself, there is a gift for tight chicken wire, which eludes me. Quite frankly, my first attempt at a coop looks like Dr. Seuss dropped a hit of acid, blasted some Jefferson Starship and rolled around on the wire with every Who in Whoville. I think I’ll keep it.

Inferior design aside, I ultimately learned a thing or two. The nesting boxes are supposed to be up off the ground. That is correct. For those of you keeping score you just spent two weeks cutting back the birds flight feathers only to hang their houses in the sky. It’s just sick.

Higher than the nest boxes, you are to build a roost. This is where the birds crap at night so they do not crap on your breakfast eggs. Of course the roost is usually OVER the nesting boxes, so whatever you do, don’t use those perforated plastic milk crates.

For young birds maintain a heat light in the hen house. Then on cooler nights an animal with a brain the size of an bulimic toe nail clipping will make the conscious decision to forgo your nest boxes, bypass the instinctual roost and leap into a tanning bed.

And finally there is the feed regime. I asked several experts and read up on feeding as well. Make sure to give your chickens, starter formula, mash, growth formula, start & grow, brood formula, grit, no grit, scraps, no scraps, goat placenta, nothing suggested on the internet, tetramyaicn, no antibiotics, medicated starter, non-medicated starter and never ever switch in-between.

I may not be Queen of the Coop yet, but I’m working on it. Though I am still a zoologist and I still know Birds 101. Here are two myths I can help with. First, you do not need a rooster to get eggs. Most folk, especially those who have never owned chickens, will advise you on chickens. Each will insist you need a rooster for a while to do his manly duties, then you can slip him in the pot. As appealing as this concept is, your pot is a separate issue.

Roosters are only needed to make fertile eggs. Hens are all that is needed to make breakfast eggs. Fertile eggs are just peachy if raising chicks was such a joy the first time you want to repeat the whole freakin’ process. In addition there is always the risk of breaking a fertilized egg open and finding a 50% formed chick fetus hitting your hot skillet. Yum! Years of therapy will follow.

To keep it straight in your mind consider this: You are going about your life. Suddenly massive balls of calcium start stacking up inside your abdomen. Are you going to hold on to them just because you have not had sex lately?

The second bird myth is totally unrelated so I thought I would mention it. Penguins occur in nature from the Equator on Southward. That is down to the Antarctica, not the Arctic! No, they do not hang out with Polar Bears who live in the Arctic. No, you did not see them when you worked in Alaska, in the Arctic. Those were puffins. No, I am not sorry you look stupid to all those folks you told penguin tales to.

Yes, some penguin species even reside on the Galapagos Islands at the equator (Cold weather would kill them), not floating around on icebergs - and not in the Arctic! Yes, I realize my eggs are not all in one basket. Delusional, close-minded people who insist you need a rooster to fertilize your penguin eggs so polar bears won’t loose their food supply drove me crazy!

Canada In Secret Talks To Trade Quebec For Florida

2011-05-28T21:10:00.001+07:00

History does not record the existence of a single Canadian who has not wished his nation had a bit of tropical diversity.

As chilliness North of Niagara would have it, Ottawa has had an ongoing freeze-on, freeze-off relationship with the relatively trendy Province of Quebec, that charming faux-French survival of the Sun King’s proud misjudgments about the importance of the new world.

Now, Canadian legislators have given voice to the sunny idea, Let’s see if we can swap the independent-minded province for Florida.

The offer comes at a particularly opportune time, as a result of the unusually severe hurricanes that have been selecting the Sunshine State as a favorite destination.

The Bush administration has agreed to consider the proposal but admits that there are certain difficulties. For instance, the President will have to explain to his brother and closet presidential wannabe, Jeb, that he’s now a Canadian and can no longer run for President.

To make the loss of their palm-treed haven more palatable to Americans, the Canadians have volunteered to teach everybody in Florida how to speak French. Once, they reason, Florida is enlivened with the sounds of bon jour and merci beaucoup, the switch will seem as uneventful as just swapping one champagne and brie festooned place for another.

By Plane or By Car; On-Screen Entertainment Travels With You

2011-05-27T21:06:00.004+07:00

Entertainment and travel are more integrated today than ever before. In fact, two airlines, JetBlue and Song, are using in-flight entertainment as a top selling point with consumers.

JetBlue was the first carrier to debut up to 24 channels of live DirecTV programming in-flight in 2000 and remains the only carrier offering satellite television free at every seat.

JetBlue also plans to offer customers first-run movies, sports and news programming, plus other original entertainment developed by Fox.

These features arrive just as Song Airlines is announcing the addition of pay-per-view to its existing live television on flights.

For those not traveling by plane, there's good news: On-screen entertainment is rapidly expanding to automobiles. According to J.D. Power & Associates, 28 percent of new 2003 full-size sport utility vehicles were equipped with a passenger entertainment system, and 46 percent of consumers are interested in adding rear-seat entertainment to their next car.

Because satellite's broad coverage area reaches not only planes but also automobiles in motion throughout the United States, live satellite television is a new, fast-growing trend in vehicle entertainment. It's made possible by companies like Rhode Island-based KVH Industries.

KVH Industries has created the first in-motion satellite television system, called the TracVision A5, especially for use in passenger vehicles. The system contains a rugged, low-profile antenna and a compact satellite receiver.

The TracVision A5 system can support multiple video screens and receivers and is designed to be a part of a versatile entertainment system that can include DVD players, VCRs and console game systems. It is compatible with DirecTV service; KVH plans to also offer a Dish Network-compatible receiver in the future.

The system is available at more than 800 U.S. retail locations and costs around $2,295. The monthly satellite service fee varies depending on the package selected but is similar to home programming.

Calvin and Hobbes: A Brief History

2011-05-26T21:10:00.001+07:00

Calvin and Hobbes has been one of the most popular comic strips for quite some time now. The story details the adventures of an imaginative young boy named Calvin, and his pet tiger, Hobbes. The comic strip was run in papers from 1985 to 1996 and was printed in over 2400 papers all over the world. Within a year of syndication, the article was being printed in over 250 newspapers, and really took off after it was featured in the Los Angeles Times newspaper in 1987, just 16 months after it was first printed. The cartoon strip earned its cartoonist, Bill Watterson, two Reuben Awards that are given out annually by the National Cartoonists Society, in the category of “Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year” in both 1986 and 1988. In total, 3,160 total strips were created and printed up until 1995 when Watterson retired from printing more Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strips. The strips have been complied and printed in a series of 18 books that have sold 30 million copies. There are no more new cartoon strips and Calvin and Hobbes cartoons can only be enjoyed in the books featuring hundreds of cartoon strips.

The Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strips have been enjoyed by hundreds of thousands of fans throughout the world. The strips feature the entertaining adventures of a six your old boy and a pet Tiger, which is actually a stuffed animal. The strips feature sledding rides and trips to the beach as well as hundreds of comical jokes that are played on all characters featured in the strips. Most of the strips feature just Calvin and Hobbes; however, there are a number of strips that feature other characters such as Calvin’s parents and Susie Derkins, one of Calvin’s classmates, Moe, a bully at Calvin’s school, Miss Wormwood, Calvin’s teacher, as well as Rosalyn, Calvin’s babysitter. For the most part the strips are realistic; however, there are a few cartoon strips which feature the trip of Calvin and Hobbes into outer space and back to prehistoric times. The Calvin and Hobbes cartoon is one of the most famous in the world and has captivated hundreds of thousands of readers.

Calvin and Hobbes: The Characters

As the title suggests, the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip features two main characters, Calvin and Hobbes. Calvin is a young six year old imaginative and curious boy who quite often, can be a bit selfish. The story details his adventures with his pet tiger, known as Hobbes. (In reality, Hobbes is just a stuffed animal which resembles a tiger). Hobbes is a more responsible and rational figure in the cartoon; however, he goes along with all of Calvin’s troublemaking schemes and plots. Hobbes can best be described as Calvin’s sidekick in all the adventures presented in the cartoon strip.

Although the bulk of the strips revolve around Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin’s parents, teacher, babysitter, as well as a classmate and the class bully are all present in some scenes. Calvin’s parents are unnamed and referred to only as “Mom” and “Dad”. They resemble the typical American parent, allowing Calvin to use his imagination and play with Hobbes, while still expressing concerns of the safety of their son as well as trying to teach him responsibility and the importance of performing well in school. Calvin’s Teacher is known as Miss. Wormwood and is Calvin’s first grade teacher in every comic strip. She is old and strict and is a heavy smoker just waiting to retire. Calvin’s babysitter, known as Rosalyn, is the only baby sitter who puts up with Calvin’s mischievous behaviour and thus uses the grief of having to deal with these antics as justification for raises in pay. Susie Derkins is one of Calvin’s first grade classmates and a close neighbour. She is a very intelligent girl who gets perfect grades. Calvin and Susie are traditional first grade boy-girl enemies and Calvin plays many practical jokes on Susie. Underneath this relationship, it is suspected that Calvin may have a crush on Susie. Finally, the last character which is presented in this comic strip is Moe, the class bully who is often regarded as the only first grader who has to shave. He is the traditional school bully taking Calvin’s money and lunches and constantly shoving him and dropping his books.

For more information visit http://www.calvinandhobbes.co.uk

Bush Vetoes Charcoal Grill Bill; Cites Carbon As Fundamental Component Of All Life

2011-05-25T21:06:00.000+07:00

As expected, George Bush exercised his veto power and expunged the controversial Charcoal Grill Bill that the Senate and the House, growing wiser about the promise of science, bravely passed – without, however, enough votes to override his ill-considered flick of the pen. The bill would have allowed federal funding for barbeque research. It was the first veto of his presidency.

Citing the role of carbon, not only in charcoal briquettes, but as the fundamental component of life, Mr. Bush stated, “You’ve got to respect carbon. Without it, none of us would be here.” He then pointed to himself, and said, “For instance, I wouldn’t be here. I owe my life to carbon.”

Standing behind him were a number of effervescently grateful families who had been invited to participate in the photo op.

Mr. Bush, smiling broadly, picked up one of the children, and stated, “Same goes for all these families and their wonderful children. Without carbon, they wouldn’t be here.”

A reporter noted, "I believe that's correct, sir, since carbon is also found in oil, and I'm sure they drove or flew in."

“Oh, s---,” Bush exclaimed. “Being the president is a lot harder than I thought. Don’t tell me! In oil, too?"

"Yes, sir, and in coal."

"Well, I’m not a chemist," the President admitted. "So I’ll have to look into that. If it’s true, I’ll have to come out against coal burning.”

“What about oil burning?” the reporter pressed.

“That’s another question I’ll have to ask the experts. We have a lot of those fellows back in the big derrick state. I’ll do whatever’s necessary. As you know, I have eight vetoes.”

“Eight?” the reporter asked.

“Yes, and so far I only exercised one,” the President said, and then volunteered, “I’ll show you.”

With that, he kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks. Then, with a remarkably simian-like move, he kicked up his feet and pointed at them.

“See, I have five toes on each foot. That makes four spaces between them, or, if you count both feet, a total of eight spaces. Now, notice how the space between every two toes creates a V. Those are my vetoes. Count ‘em. Eight. So I’m ready to do my sacred duty to protect carbon and all its creations.”

Cell Phones and the Dentist

2011-05-24T21:10:00.000+07:00

Don't you just hate people who talk on their cell phones while they drive? Blindly babbling away, not paying attention to the road, endangering everyone nearby … so inconsiderate.

Anyway, today while I was chatting on the phone and driving to the dentist, I got a tiny bit distracted and turned onto the wrong road … twice. But I cleverly figured out a shortcut back to where I belonged and pulled into the parking lot right on time. Unfortunately, it was the parking lot at my doctor's office, not my dentist's.

Now, I've always been a little reluctant to go to the dentist. When I was young, they used to lie to me to get me there. Of course once I knew what was happening I would throw a crying fit — in the car on the way to the dentist, in the elevator on the way up to the office, in the waiting room, in the dentist's chair throughout the entire visit, in the office while my mother paid, in the elevator on the way down, in the car on the way home, and once again when my father came home that night just to be sure everyone knew how I felt about it.

My mother was afraid of the dentist. And she shared that fear and its effects with her children. She picked our dentist based solely on the fact that he would give her lots of Novocain. Lots of Novocain. Much Novocain. Beyond that, she never really bothered about the skills-as-a-dentist thing.

My own theory is that dentistry was invented by Beelzebub, based largely on the fact that our dentist looked exactly the way I imagined a Devil's minion would look. And, oh, by the way, when we were finally done and wanted nothing more than to run as fast and as far as possible, he would smile at us kids, with his coke-bottle-thick glasses making him look popeyed, and hand us each a lollipop. Maybe not the best dentist, but surely a clever businessman lining up return customers.

Today, even after better dentists have shown me that there may possibly be some redeeming value in dental care, I still get a bit unsettled before an appointment. Therefore, I have two things to say about the cell phone thing:

1) It might have been the fact of going to the dentist that distracted me and not the cell phone. I think, maybe, my subconscious was trying to get me to go to the wrong place and miss my appointment completely. Self-protection is a very powerful instinct in times of peril. That could explain it.

2) If it was the cell phone use, I think I deserve an exemption from condemnation because, after all, I was on my way to the dentist. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to talk again when I came out. One little slip of the drill and, oops. Or I could have choked on one of the forty appliances they had crammed into my mouth just before asking me how I was doing.

Either way, I feel completely justified in continuing to judge others if they use a cell phone while driving. Unless, of course, I learn that they were on their way to the dentist.

Bush Sets Aside Hawaii As Nature Preserve; Inhabitants Head For California

2011-05-23T21:06:00.000+07:00

One thing you can say about George Bush, when the man decides to do something, his guiding principle does not appear to be moderation, whether it’s an ill-advised constitutional amendment, a questionable war, or an immoderate nature preserve, in this case, the state of Hawaii.

The area is home to diverse species and certainly merits protection. Unfortunately, among the species were a significant number of long-time inhabitants called Hawaiians.

Upon hearing that their entire land was declared a nature preserve, they began to pack up and head for California.

Environmentalists were delighted with the decision and flew off to the islands to help the natives clear out.

Actually, this article itself is immoderate.

The new preserve Bush declared a national monument does not, in fact, include all of the Hawaiian Islands. It is limited to a remote Pacific archipelago that is only 1,400 miles long and 100 miles wide.

It's inhabited by over 7,000 species, and about a fourth of them are not found anywhere else, including the few Hawaiians who stray in there from time to time.

"To put this area in context,” Bush said, “this national monument is more than 100 times larger than Yosemite National Park. It's larger than 46 of our 50 states, and more than seven times larger than all our national marine sanctuaries combined. This is a big deal."

Conrad C. Lautenbacher, who heads up the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the outfit that will manage most of it, said, "It's the single-largest act of ocean conservation in history. It's a large milestone."

Given the magnitude of the actions the President is likely to entertain, there is some question among those who approach things with more precision as to how often it’s safe for the man to take action.

Bush Seeks To Heal Rift With Hollywood; Schedules Lunch With Jane Fonda

2011-05-22T21:06:00.001+07:00

President Bush, troubled by the decline in his approval ratings, has decided to make a frontal assault on Hollywood, a bastion of his disapproval ratings, by scheduling lunch with one of its most persistently adversarial spokespeople, Jane Fonda.

Mr. Bush said, “I look forward to meeting with Ms. Fonda. She’s said so many outrageous things about me over the years, it will be a real pleasure to break bread, as it were. If I get through the lunch intact, I plan to move on to the next person on my guest list, Barbra Streisand.”

The invitees were cautious, at least, in their public response to his overture.

Ms. Streisand quipped, in her usually understated way, “I don’t mind singing for my supper, but do I have to sing for lunch, too?”

Robert Redford, another of those invited, stated, “Well, if you ask me, the whole thing is a pretty slippery Sundance. He’s a former oilman, and I just came out against oil.”

Ms. Fonda was, unsurprisingly, quite vocal. “I have a lot of things I’d like to say to the President, but not over lunch. I’d be too upset to swallow without choking. Then he’d have the opportunity to perform a Himelick maneuver, and, besides the fact that I’d have to endure his touch, he’d get to brag that, while he was undecided for a moment, he went ahead and saved my life. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”

Despite the early warning signs, the President remained upbeat.

“You know those Hollywood folks,” he said. “They’re not all Republicans.”

Bush Reveals New Missile Defense; Guides Weapon Back To Launching Pad

2011-05-21T21:06:00.000+07:00

Rest easy, America, even when you contemplate the abbreviated flight of North Korea’s errant but someday, they hope, long-range Taepodong 2 missile – a name that, should the nation ever decide to enter the capitalist hustings, doesn’t sound like a very promising appellation for a new car.

In the wake of the miscalculated launch of seven missiles by North Korea, including a Taepodong 2, President Bush told reporter Larry Wing in an exclusive interview, “We’ve got a missile defense system that will defend our country. We don’t just shoot down the enemy missile. We guide it back to where it came from. So anybody who launches a missile at the United States of America better clear out, because soon it’ll be on the way back at them, point first.”

The revelation of the innovative missile defense system stunned Mr. Wing. “I thought we were still trying to perfect the star wars system initiated by President Reagan, where, if we’re lucky, we can at least shoot down an enemy missile. But guide it back to the launching pad? This is the first time I’ve heard of it.”

“Well, Larry, as you know, I’m the President, and as such I get to hear about things like this even before a fine and flattering reporter like you does.”

“I’ll say,” Larry Wing commented. “Mind if I ask how it works?”

“I don’t have a clue,” Bush said, “but the military has assured me that we’ve got the capability.”

“When was work on this new missile defense launched?” Mr. Wing queried.

“Actually, I get all the credit,” Bush said.

“How’s that?” Mr. Wing asked, startled. “I didn’t know you’re a missile defense kind of guy.”

“I’m not, technically speaking. But I was spending so much money in Iraq one of our more reflective missile techs got to thinking, why just blow a missile up in the middle of the air and waste all that explosive power. Think of the money we’d save if we could just turn the payload around and send it back at the enemy. Once he had the idea, I understand he was able to devise the joystick program to guide it in less than five minutes.”

“Really? And how reliable is this new system?”

“All I can tell you is, developing missiles is not the way for anymore counties to go. They’re wasting their time and, in light of our new missile defense, they’re actually, in you think about it, indirectly aiming their missiles smack dab at themselves. Now, that’s what I call a deterrent.”

“I’ll say,” Mr. Wing replied. “I wonder how North Korea and Iran will respond to this news?”

“I think they’ll take notice,” he said. “And anything that makes America safer is something I’m for, especially when it also saves on the cost of TNT or enriched uranium. The only more economical thing I can think of would be to guide the missile to one of our air force bases for a soft landing, so we could just point it back at the enemy for future use. If one of our technical boys figures out a way, I’ll get credit for that idea, too, because right now is the first time I thought of it. And you’re my witness, right?”

“Yes, sir,” Larry agreed. “Wow, with an innovative president like you in the Oval Office, I sleep a lot better at night.”

“Thank you. Frankly, I’m awake all night. But I do spend a good deal of time sleeping during the day.”

With that, his eyes glazed over and then dropped shut.

“Mr. President?” Wing asked. “Oh, Mr. President?”

But the Pres did not stir.

So Mr. Wing turned to the camera and said, “I guess that’s it, folks. I can interview anyone, but even I have a tough time when my guest conks out.”

Bush Meets Maliki. May Trade Jobs.

2011-05-20T20:55:00.002+07:00

President Bush made a secret trip to Iraq to meet with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to assure him that the U. S. will continue to support efforts to stabilize and rebuild Iraq. Mr. Maliki thanked him and assured him that he would do everything to increase President Bush’s approval ratings. After further discussions, the two leaders agreed that the best way to accomplish both goals may be to exchange jobs.

President Bush stated, “I’m very involved in the U. S. involvement in Iraq, but I understand not all Americans believe we can win here. Since I know we can win, I may decide that the best way to achieve the goal is to take Prime Minister al-Maliki’s job. If I go ahead with the switch, I expect to be addressed as Iraqi Prime Minster George Bush.”

The Iraqi Prime Minister added, “And then you can address me as American President Nouri al-Maliki. I know this proposed job exchange will come as a big surprise to many Americans, but President Bush and I have discussed how this might be a way to give America a President with higher approval ratings. I know the language will be a bit of a handicap for both of us, but I’ve been listening to Mr. Bush, and I think my mistakes in English are not that much more bad than the ones he makes.”

They went on to chide each other, with Mr. Bush saying, “If we do make the switch, I guess I’ll be addressing the Iraqi Parliament, and I suspect they’ll be a lot friendlier than Democrats.”

Mr. Maliki responded, “Then I would board your helicopter to take me Baghdad International Airport, so I can fly to Washington and get started in my new job as President of the United States.

“Do I have to become a Muslim?” Bush asked Miliki. “I’m not sure my constituency back in the US would approve.”

“Maybe it will go better for me as the President if I become a Protestant,” Maliki replied. “But I’m not sure how that would go over with my constituency, either.”

While many Americans were uncertain about the proposed switch, they were willing to adopt a wait and see attitude.

As one American commented, “Look, if the former Iraqi Prime Minister does a good job as the President of the United States, I’m OK with that. In fact, I’ll vote to reelect him in 2008. I just need certain assurances, like seeing him say The Pledge of Allegiance.”

Bush And Blair Admit Mistakes In Iraq; Vow To Continue

2011-05-19T20:55:00.001+07:00

Meeting in Washington, Prime Minister Tony Blair and President Bush took to the podium to admit that everything in Iraq has not unfolded as they had hoped but the President insisted, “We've learned from our mistakes, and, if the past is any indication, we will continue to make them."

Prime Minister Blair added, “And you can be absolutely certain that we will continue to learn from them.”

Mr. Blair also commented on his trip to Baghdad, saying, "I came away thinking the challenge is still immense, but the food there is already better than in London, and I consider that a real sign of hope, not only for the rejuvenation of Iraqi society but as an inspiration to our own chefs to start reading cookbooks.”

President. Bush stated that, while he regrets the abuse by U. S. troops at the Abu Ghraib prison, those responsible had been given prison sentences themselves, however, not at Abu Ghraid. He noted that such justice would never have occurred under Saddam Hussein, because American troops would not have been there in the first place.

Bush also said he regretted some of the comments he made early in the war, such as his now legendary taunt to the terrorists, "bring it on."

"I think in certain parts of the world it was misinterpreted," the President said, “but now I’ve learned how to express myself in a more sophisticated way. Today I might have said something like, ‘Please, step onto the rifle range.’”

Meanwhile, as if to taunt them, Osama Bin Laden immediately released another audiotape, in which he responded to their announcement, saying, “I made some mistakes, too, and, as my years away from the comforts of wealth, like flowing silk robes and shish kabob made with prime lamb meat, mount up, I’m beginning to think my first mistake is that I permitted myself to be born. Since it’s too late to remedy that, I assume that I, too, will continue to make mistakes, so catch me if you can.”

Book Of Judas Finds Publisher; Record Wait Took 1700 Years

2011-05-18T20:55:00.002+07:00

The Book of Judas, penned by the much maligned apostle himself, has finally found a publisher, at the end of a long search that ended at The National Geographic Society.

No, it’s not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news.

Now, Judas can at long last be assured that the world will know his side of the story, in which he portrays himself, as author’s are prone to do, in a much more favorable light than tradition has placed him. According to the author, while he was the apostle who betrayed Jesus, he was actually Christ’s favorite apostle and was chosen by Jesus to do the reprehensible deed, so Jesus could fulfill what he considered to be his destiny.

So, as if we didn’t have enough reconsider, now we have to reevaluate our estimate of Judas. Was he really just being Christ’s obedient assistant?

We must sympathize with the most devout adherents to the New Testament. What are they to make of Judas’s revised version of the betrayal?

We assume there will be no shortage of debate.

Nor can we, even if we wish, refuse to acknowledge that a certain reluctance to accept the new author’s version will be due to the unfortunate timing of the publication, since the hopes of the world are presently encumbered by the recent parade of people in the Middle East who seem to think that their destiny requires them to seek their own deaths.

No doubt the author would have preferred a more auspicious time for his book to appear, ideally, of course, way back when it might still have at least have had some chance of getting into The Bible.

Black Humor, College Humor, Blond Jokes, funny pictures

2011-05-17T20:58:00.000+07:00

I have had over the years (48 of them) a lot of time to review and participate in many different styles of humor and have studied their various effects on the human psyche. I will convey many of my observations, thoughts and ramblings where humor is involved. Over the next few months I will write on the following topics Cold Humor, Fat Humor, Bad Humor, Tasteless Humor and others.

Black Humor: This is the type of stuff that doesn’t quite make the Darwin’s but leaves the participant alive. In my findings, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s funny. Let me elaborate; as you have no doubt seen some of the horrendous accidents portrayed in the evening news, each of which I think to myself what were they thinking about. It’s clear to me that they aren’t thinking about what they are doing. Let me tell you of one such case I heard several years ago. Several guys were sitting around on the back porch, drinking beer as sometimes guys will do. They were also shooting 22’s at anything that moved. They had been doing so for some time as the local wildlife lay strewn about the place along with the empty beer cans when one of the drunken participants spotted a skunk. Now if you know anything about skunks you know that they are not the perfect prey; they shoot back and although a direct hit by the skunk will not kill, it does take awhile to explain to your significant other the events of your day. I digress; back to the story. The skunk avoided the first 100 to 200 rounds fired by the drunken lot and eventually found haven within a culvert placed in the ground at some angle enabling the skunk to travel back and down in the ground out of the reach of the drunken group. One of the drunkards decided to get the skunk to voluntarily leave his haven by smoking him out. So the drunkards start stuffing the culvert with dried grass and newspaper and lit it afire. The skunk however did not relinquish his hiding space, he stayed in the culvert. The drunkards then thought that because of the angle of the culvert that the smoke had likely not reached the skunk so they decided to make another attempt by pouring gasoline into the culvert. They gathered up the 5 gallon gas can and poured the entire contents into the culvert. Having the gas poured in they attempted to ignite the gas by throwing lit matches into the culvert after the gasoline. The lit matches would burn out before igniting the gas and so one of the drunkards, specifically the one that this black humor is written about, decided the best method of igniting the gasoline would be to climb into the culvert prior to igniting the match, so down he goes. At last he gets the gasoline ignited and what happens next is a thing of beauty. I will paraphrase the newswoman’s interview with witnesses. “He came out of that culvert like he was shot from a cannon, with his hair on fire, leaving a smoke trail that went from the culvert, over the back porch the drunkards had been enjoying all afternoon into the front yard where he lay, clothing smoldering, hair gone and burnt to second and third degree burns about his face and upper torso.” Now that’s funny!

If you would like to see other funny things I have accumulated over those 48 years go to my website and check them out http://www.TheDailyQuip.com/ and please have a humorous day, it’s the only way your going to make it out sane…

Birds of a Feather

2011-05-16T20:55:00.003+07:00

Birds of a Feather

1. Which is not a group term for birds?
A. Flock
B. Flight
C. Volery
D. Swarm

D. Swarm
TBD: Various insects can collectively be called a swarm but not birds!

2. Which of these is a fear of birds?
A. Alektorophobia
B. Astraphobia
C. Ornithophobia
D. Ouranophobia

C. Ornithophobia
TBD: Although alektorophobia was close, that is a fear of chickens! Astraphobia is the fear of lightning and Ouranophobia is the fear of heaven!

3. Which bird is NOT a bird of prey?
A. Falcon
B. Francolin
C. Hobby
D. Kestrel

B. Francolin
TBD: Any of various Eurasian or African birds of the genus Francolinus, related to and resembling the quails and partridges, which are actually the intended victims of birds of prey!

4. What is the collective name for crows?
A. A murder
B. A clutch
C. A clutter
D. A Sleuth

A. A murder
TBD: You can have a clutch of chicks, a clutter of cats, and a sleuth of bears, if anyone was wondering.

5. What is the largest living species of bird?
A. Condor
B. Eagle
C. Ostrich
D. Emu

C. Ostrich
TBD: Did you know they are omnivorous, eating grass, foliage, and any small animals they can chase down?

6. The Trochildae family of birds shares what trait?
A. They are the smallest birds
B. They are flightless birds
C. They are birds of prey
D. They are featherless birds

A. They are the smallest birds
TBD: This family includes the hummingbird.

7. Which is NOT a proper name for a group of ducks?
A. Brace
B. Flock
C. Skein
D. Team

C. Skein
TBD: Actually that was pretty tricky as you can have a skein of geese…

8. How many eyelids do birds have?
A. None
B. One
C. Two
D. Three

D. Three
TBD: They have an upper lid resembling that of humans, a lower lid that closes when a bird sleeps, and a third lid, called a nictitating membrane, that sweeps across the eye sideways, starting from the side near the beak. This lid is a thin, translucent fold of skin that moistens and cleans the eye and protects it from wind and bright light.

9. Seabirds have the longest migration patterns. How long can these trips get?
A. 20,000 miles
B. 10,000 miles
C. 5,000 miles
D. 1,000 miles

A. 20,000 miles
TBD: That's further than many humans travel in their lifetime!

10. Can you guess how many known species of birds there are?
A. 100
B. 1,000
C. 10,000
D. 100,000

C. 10,000
TBD: This includes all modern or recently extinct species.

Bin Laden Sighted In Karachi; May Turn Self In

2011-05-15T20:33:00.001+07:00

Reports of Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts took a new turn this week when a Pakistani woman reported sighting a tall man in a white robe with matching turban hit his head on a low doorway.

The woman's suspicions about the identity of the man were further aroused when she noticed the entrance led to a recording studio.

So as not to create suspicion, she approached him without revealing who she thought he might be.

“Are you all right?” she asked, with demur innocence.

“No,” he said. “How can I be all right? Besides just cracking my head on this low doorway, I’m Osama Bin Laden.”

“Really?” she replied, thinking of the $25-million reward for turning him in, as well as her opportunity to contribute to the triumph of justice.

“Yes” he went on. “I haven’t been all right since I fled Tora Bora, because it’s even hard for me to get out long enough to make my audiotapes.”

“My, oh, my,” the woman commiserated, “Everybody thinks you’re in the remote regions near the Afghan border.”

“You’d think they’d know better,” he confided. “How could a spoiled rich boy like me live this long without some of the comforts only a city can provide, like a dialysis machine to keep me alive, and takeout food.”

“That makes sense,” she agreed.

“Yes, it does, but there’s no danger the authorities will figure out where I am, because every time I record a tape, we filter out the sounds of the city, like horns and sirens.”

“That’s very clever,” she said. “You’d think that when they see the tapes are filtered they might guess you’re in a place where there are background sounds.”

“Let’s just hope they don’t catch on. I don’t want them to take away from my next surprise move.”

“Oh, a surprise move,” she exclaimed. “Want to tell me about it?”

“No,” he told her, “because then it won’t be a surprise anymore. But just watch. I’m not going to slink around Karachi forever. I long for metropolitan delights in the more developed capitals of the world. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my recording session is due to start.”

Then he waved goodbye and reentered the doorway, this time remembering to duck.

The woman, excited to shortness of breath, went straight to the nearest police station and reported her astonishing interaction.

Police immediately launched a Karachi-wide search for Bin Laden, vowing to pursue him as part of their apparently somewhat porous terrorist dragnet.

They were, however, shocked when the very next day, Bin Laden called police headquarters and offered to turn himself in.

When asked why he had made the decision, when the police, many of whom are devout Muslims, were doing their utmost to help him evade capture, he replied, “I can’t stand it any longer. Hiding out every day, afraid to go outside for fear of getting into a conversation with a stranger who might report me, and having to spend all my time with my four wives, when I could be sitting in a topless club in America, like the martyrs I sent to fly planes into American buildings were doing shortly before their great sacrifice. Worse yet, one of my wives told me I may have misinterpreted The Koran, because, she reminded me, 'Islam' means peace. Praise be to God I didn't, or I'll have to turn myself in. ”

“Well, if you insist,” the police told him.

“I’ll let you know for sure in a day or two,” Osama replied, “I don’t want to do it and then regret it later, especially at the moment I’m being hanged.”

“That’s very understandable, revered sheik,” the Pakistani police officer replied. Then he added a reassurance that would undoubtedly have infuriated Pakistani President Musharaff, his much wiser leader and devoted American ally in the war on terror. “We must scour the city for you. Before you hang up, tell us your address, so we make sure to avoid it.”

Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video

2011-05-14T20:33:00.000+07:00

Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.

Here's how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera and battery-powered lights. Since he long delighted to display his narcissistic self and give voice to his lamentable disjunction with informed thought, we assume that either he is not currently in possession of a video camera or that he is hunkered down in a hideout that is too dark to shoot anything but firearms.

It cannot be that he is afraid a video will reveal his location, because he always has the option of hanging the same kind of chintzy curtain behind him that his original second in medieval misguidance, Aman al-Zawahiri, uses when he comes out of the cave long enough for his eyes to adjust to the light to make an inflammatory video, with, we’ve noticed, production values that are on about the same level as a commercial for a discount chain that’s struggling to get foothold in a Mexican border town.

The only condition is, upon receipt of the equipment, OBL has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it.

We do not know why he will not accept this opportunity for the worldwide display of his long-cramped ego, because, at last report, he only had four wives, and, if he believes his own deadly dumb preachments, after he goes to the paradise of his overheated and woefully misguided imagination, he can have twenty-seven virgins.

Of course, we must interject that any man with four wives who would contemplate having twenty-seven virgins as a good time has done very little reflection on what it’s really like to have four mates and has exceedingly little experience with virgins.

He needn’t be excessively concerned about these impossible complications, however, because, as linguistic analysis has sometime ago revealed, the Arabic word for virgin may also mean grape, depending on whether or not it occurs with a grave. It appears that, in the particular context in which he has applied it to assure the ready suicide of fellow but somewhat more imbecilic emanations from The Dark Ages, the meaning is 27 grapes. So the mad, mad Muslims slammed into our World Trade Center – which was, in fact, a mutual treasure of the human race, erected to facilitate worldwide economic competence and development – and incinerated nearly three thousand of our beloved, hard-working and comparatively normal people did it to reap imaginary rewards they could have picked up at a fruit market.

Meanwhile, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, his lackey who’s not an Iraqi, did his boss in absentia one better. Spiffily attired in black as a cool enemy of humanity, he rattled on with the same ill-informed drivel he and his mentor have both become wanted for, even by their own people.

Ah, what a toll we must pay for the deadly duo of ignorance and backwardness! Witness the unconscionable bombing in the Egyptian resort of Dahab, apparently timed to follow OBL’s latest audio-only pontification.

How do people who have no feeling for their fellow human beings expect anyone to do anything but excoriate and execute them? Somebody ought to tell them that fellow-feeling is actually the major sentiment that makes the human race worthy of its own continuance upon this blessed but blighted earth.

As for OBL, when will some real-life Indiana Jones find out where he is hiding, so we can finally give the misguided pest his overdue rest?

Bill Gates to Devote Life To Charity; Make Money And You Can, Too

2011-05-13T20:33:00.000+07:00

Bill Gates announced that he will transition out of his day-to-day role at Microsoft by July 2008 in order to spend more time working on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on global health and education.

His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As we listened to the meritorious goals heaped on the recent graduates, so they might achieve goals the speaker’s generation has found impossible, we could not help but think, why doesn’t somebody come out and tell the youthful aspirants what the real challenge is?

Like it or not, today’s world, as well as many another age, is conducted by two primary forces: wealth and power, and, other than resort to firearms, power springs from wealth.

So if you want to influence the ways of this outrageously necessitous world, consider the stark truth that all power springs from the opening in a fat wallet. It's called the economic basis of society but, in its current incarnation, in debilitating excess.

When we were recent graduates, we were not aware of such an uncompromising reality and passed up at least two opportunities to make megabucks because we wanted to preserve our mental energy to expend it toward the achievement of our ideals.

Had we been wiser, we would have set aside a few years to stuff our pockets with power and then, like Mr. Gates, have spent the rest of our days placidly pursuing those still-inspiriting ideals.

So we find ourselves, from our own experience, in the unlikely role of advising the most idealistic to enable their altruism by involving themselves, initially, in the activity they undoubtedly are convinced is not the most inviting.

Then, should you be fortunate enough to enable your financial independence, you may, like Mr. Gates, head off into full-time devotion to your undoubtedly meritorious idealisms.

Well, the speech probably would not have been one that would have inspired the administration to invite us back or that the students would have received with endorsement, but the sharp glass on the road through economic necessity is a fact not lightly to be dismissed. Ignore it and you may step on it with painful frequency.

Berlosconi Gets Plate of Spaghetti In Face

2011-05-11T20:32:00.000+07:00

Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face.

As you no doubt have read, he lost a narrow race to a left-of-center challenger, who the deep-pocketed Berlusconi outspent many times over. Although Berlusconi continues to contest the vote, the Italian court ruled in favor of his opponent.

Since Mr. Berlusconi seemed to bring a bit of spice to Italian politics and will now be replaced by a relatively bland serving of leadership, one cannot help but feel some remorse at his departure from the generally pallid troupe on the current stage of world politics.

One would think that an apparently bright guy like Silvio would know that a penchant for provocative speech and sartorial splendor are two of the most likely ways to inspire the average voter to take him down a peg. Apparently, being the effective but humble servant of the citizenry is not his cup of espresso.

Since Berlusconi was a forthright ally of our struggles in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat.

So we better get ready to duck. The second plate of spaghetti may fly our way.

Beginners Guide To The Internet

2011-05-10T20:26:00.000+07:00

Recent studies have shown that there are now well over one hundred websites available on the computernet. This puts it second only to ceefax as a useful source of information. Monkey Empire has rounded up the best of these sites, ones which enhance the life of real people like you, not the spotty bearded freaks that you picked on at school for being computerboys or nerdnspellgirls, no real people who go out and drink alcoholic sugar liquid in crowded town bars and watch soap operas and need to have their behaviour validated by weekly publications littering the news stands like so much used bog-roll. Well this is a virtual equivalent of those c-list simpering shitfests so let me validate your fucking behaviour, that's right I'll tell you where to go and what to fucking do because it will keep you the fuck away from me so that I can continue my work in peace. And when my work is done holy dong you'll know about it. I'll be the god damn mayor of London. Anyway here are the top 5:

Google Founded in 1923 the Google Corporation originally produced radiator hoses and casino chips before entering the lucrative internet search market in 1997. Google is like a thesaurus, simply type in words and it will give you a list of related words from inside your computer and beyond. People who are good at Google (known as Hardcore Googlists) have even discovered that some of these words open up whole new websites, and sometimes even pictures. Google is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on google you really can, may the force be with you".

eBay eBay shot to fame in 1999 when that chick that is really a witch in Buffy the Vampire Slayer managed to buy a special kettle that contained a genie that would save the world from the online auction site. Whilst you yourself may not be so lucky you will be able to get a bargain on the dvd of that very same episode, or maybe some new brasswork for your front door, or a ninja turtle action figure that you have never forgiven your parents for not buying for you when you were 12 years old. Adventurous types may even wish to try selling items that they no longer have use for. eBay is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "you can find anything on eBay you really can, may the force be with you".

The BBCThe Beeb, good old Auntie, The British Broadcasting Corporation, no longer the stuffy 2 channel black and white tv monolith that doesn't start until midday and finishes with the national anthem at teatime oh no the Beeb has been forced to get with the times and after collecting your money and throwing it in a big pile for approximately 60 years when the internet bubble came bouncing along the BBC was ready. It is now estimated that 87% of all internet sites are part of the BBC, this is in addition to their 167 digital TV channels, 2 radio stations and their Sandwich Toaster fast food chain. You give them money so that a bunch of London-blinkered new media tosspots can tell you what to do and you wouldn't have it any other way. The BBC is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "the BBC puts food on my table, it really does, may the force be with you".

MySpaceThe fact that you've made it this far down a Beginners Guide probably means you think that making a wonderful informative website such as this one is beyond your meagre skills. We don't hold that against you, you probably know more about footy or booking holidays in high street travel agents than us, takes all sorts doesn't it really. Well not any more, MySpace is the great leveller, the democratisation of the internet, now anyone can stick their photo online and surround it with flickering animated hearts floating across a purple background with yellow text talking about how you like to go out, watch telly and listen to music. Or maybe you are part of a subculture and you want your page to feature crunchy guitar music on a black background with pictures of you heavily made up to look like a vampire porn-star. Actually though MySpace is a game, you see other MySpace users can make virtual friends and then their picture appears under the "friends" list on your page. The game is to get your face on as many MySpace pages as possible, the one with the most displayed photos at the end of space and time wins and gets to become a baron of the afterlife. So don't get left behind, get on MySpace, get flirting and ego massaging and exchanging naked pictures with people who's age you can't be sure about or you might regret it for eternity and then some. MySpace is now so widespread that none other than Leonard Nimoy was once overheard to say "I've got 28 friends already I really have, may the force be with you".

Bat Ejection Techniques – Country Survival Course #27

2011-05-09T20:26:00.000+07:00

People lie! They lie about the bliss of rural relocation. They lie about the size of fish they catch. They lie about being there for you. But, mostly, they lie about bats! Such a silly thing, yet no one can admit the ugly truth. “Bats only come into your house. It never happens to me,” friends say. Liars!

Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat visitations have occurred regularly in all three of my country homes. Each was a different style house, in a different town with different surroundings. No way am I the only person this is happening to! I’ll believe the annual summer bat inundation isn’t a part of normal life when butter is fat free and Smucky’s Electric gets back to me with that wiring estimate they promised just prior to the Mammoth die off.

One of my sisters in particular gets a kick out of telling people I am a witch attracting bats to my home like anorexics migrating to the Cannes Film Festival. She does it to be ornery – a competitive sport in my family. Of course, I could get even by pointing out right here in my very public essay that she is my OLDER sister by a DECADE. However, I am too peaceable and well centered for such adolescent behavior. Besides, you are here to learn another fine country skill – the Bat Ejection Technique (BET).

Lesson 1 – Why BET

Rural dwellers should all master BETs. Realtors will never admit to the Coloptera inundation plaguing the West. Property values would tumble! Amidst all this denial, a seamy cover-up has formed. Copies of Bat Removal for Dummies are burned at country BBQs and members of the Society of the Dead Elk deliver bat traps to farms under cover of darkness.

As my town’s resident City Idiot, I chose to break ranks. If Cidiots are not taught to deal properly with winged rodentia, both will suffer. Bats will be ‘baseballed’ into walls with brooms. If not, Cidiot homes will overflow with wiggling blankets of screeching critters. Folks will be driven back to the burbs in droves. Quite selfishly - I need newbies to stay in the country. Please don’t leave me alone out here! Take notes.

Lesson 2 - History of the BET

For whatever reasons bats enter homes in pairs. My hypothesis is; one holds the dog door open while the other flies through and vise versa. Attempts to document this behavior have been hampered by the presence of innumerable dogs kissing my eyes shut when I stake out the laundry room floor. Nonetheless, like bats to Noah’s ark, they arrive by twos.

Throughout history Novice Bat Ejectors dispelled unwanted intruders with the pacifistic Zero Interference Technique (ZIT). For a true ZIT open all windows and doors and cower on the floor waiting for the bats to fly back out. I researched the effectiveness of this method at my first country home. There are three problems with this technique:

Bats never leave as easily as they enter. A person could learn Arabic before the ZIT clears matters up.

Heat leaves houses quite quickly resulting in cold ZITs.

Bats tend to turn up in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is a direct side effect of ZITs.

Lesson 3 – Modernization

Athletic newbies frequently combine the open window/door approach of a ZIT with a more proactive approach. They jump around with a blanket in an attempt to herd bats outside. This is the Comforter Herding Ejection Technique (CHET). A good CHET take two people. Even then CHETs are hard.

Bats do not know they shouldn’t fly around the blanket.

The technique is rendered totally ineffective when your husband, who is suppose to hold the opposite side of the blanket, does a “stop, drop and roll” every time he spots a bat from thirty yards away.

At night neighbors can see you, but not the bat. So there you are running amuck in your PJs. The doors and windows are wide open as you spiraling over furniture with your flag-like fabric in tow. Meanwhile your underwear-clad man is having what is apparently some version of repeating epileptic seizures. And you, you cold-hearted bitch, you just keep on dancing.

Lesson 4 – BET Evolution

Bat invasion number three of year number two was a turning point for me. For some bizarre reason I was washing the morning dishes. We must have been out of coffee. Obviously I was not quick-witted enough to get out of dish duty. Suddenly, I heard the high-pitched chatter of a bat straight over my head.

The space over my cabinets is where all my gigantic jelly-making kettles are poised. Grabbing the step stool, I hovered near and listened. Something was in my stoneware – dark, like a cave, the crafty little bugger. Please, don’t let it get airborne. I have to go to town this morning, I thought. There was no time for the traditional CHET dance.

My cerebral light bulb clicked on. Hey, It’s easier to catch bats when they aren’t moving. A Nobel Prize for would be mine. Apparently washing dishes has some net value after all. I slid a plate over the stoneware rim and took my captive out side.

Plate removed, an upside-down shake and plop. The bat was on the ground. I watched for a moment making sure my son’s devil cat did not turn up. Finally, the bat orientated itself and flew off with chatter. Dam, I’m good, I mused. Then I turned and took two steps towards the door. Gasp! Leap! Curse!

Something bad hit my bare foot. Reflexes took over. I went for a field goal. Another bat had been in the jar. Curse! Hebbie Jebies! Will I never learn? Twos, always twos! Scratches, tiny claws on my foot - it was all to early. First dishes, then this.

The traumatized bat landed several feet away. It took a good five minutes before the winged menace recovered enough to fly off. Headed for town, I left a note for my son. “Finish the dishes.”

Lesson 5 – BET Mastery

I learned two things that morning. First, generic dish soap sucks. Second, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. Chasing them in flight is a fool’s game. In retrospect Samuel, my Great Pyrenees, had attempted to point this out earlier that spring.

Hearing one of the midnight riots, I ordered all my dogs out. There was no need to look for the cause. I knew by then what the combination of barking and a synchronized chase meant at 1 a.m. Ho hum, more bats in the house. The other dogs complied. Sam however stood there looking sleepy, stubborn, sad and guilty.

Anyone who owns a Pyrenees knows this is their natural state. Just as I demanded, “Samuel, go!” I spotted the diminutive little wing sticking out from under his massive front paw. Here Mom, a motionless bat is the best bat to catch. He is a genius!

BET Summary

Grab a teacup or the aquarium net and a saucer

Wait for a landing

Cup/net over the Bat

Saucer or magazine carefully slid under

Out the door it goes

Hee Haw! With practice you’ll be back in bed before the underwear-clad epileptic knows your gone. You can BET on it.

Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered

2011-05-08T20:26:00.003+07:00

Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain.

Now, The National Basketball Association has come to realize that the trend to tall has demoralized people of who fall within the usual range of human height and that it has positively devastated short people.

Compared to the slam-dunking ways of the seven footers, these distressed athletes just can’t get people interested in watching them hoop it up. As a result, interest in the game as a participation sport has waned, and the association is concerned that, as fewer people work up their excitement about playing it, fewer of them will pay to see it.

In an effort to return basketball to the widely poplar place it held in the minds and hearts of the American public before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, the association is considering legitimizing a court just for people of average height, with a special accommodation for shorter people. The basic plan calls for the basket to be lowered by one foot for players from 5’ 6” to 6’ 6” and two feet for people who are even shorter but still imagine slam-dunking the ball and hanging from the hoop in a celebratory manner.

When the new rules go into effect, virtually everyone will finally be able to play the game in as dramatic a fashion as today’s seven footers.

For now the plan calls for limiting the innovation to amateur players, but the association confides that if fans once again take an interest in watching average-size people play the game, there is the potential to establish an entire new league, made up of speed merchants who are only eye-high to a current pro’s elbows.

Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity of Seniors In Marathons

2011-05-06T20:26:00.003+07:00

Baby boomers, who exercise more than any generation before them, have been flocking to orthopedic surgeons to tend to their aching tendons and joints.

As news of the growing need for surgical intervention spread, a number of boomers have found the willpower to moderate the intensity of their workout routines.

Personal experience has also confirmed the wisdom of moderation. For example, one inveterate marathoner was shocked by the surprising perception that there were not a lot of senior citizens dashing across the finish line in the New York Marathon.

He began to wonder if at a certain age less strenuous activity might actually be, not only the better part of healthcare, but all that’s generally possible. He also began to ask himself if seniors who persisted in intense physical challenges like the marathon were absent at or near the finish line because they literally dropped by the wayside. He dismissed that possibility, because it really brought into question his hope for up-to-the-last-minute youth.

He shared the possible advisability of moderation with a fellow boomer, who happened to be his girlfriend. She agreed to take it into consideration but required proof of the astonishing comeuppance. So, while working out at her gym, she looked around and noticed, to her amazement, that there were not a lot of seniors sweating along with her, especially on the running track and in the weight room.

Most unsettling of all, she noticed that a confounded lot of the runners looked younger than she did.

She dared to break the stunning revelation to a friend, who told her boyfriend. Since hot news has a way of making it through the boomer vine, soon the bewildered generation was abuzz with the invitation to moderation.

Being serious about their health, many have researched the bone-crushing consequences of persistent over-exercise and have discovered that that they really should take it a little easy on themselves, especially since many of them are flirting with age 60. It seems that if they can persuade themselves of the wisdom at least some moderation they will go a long way toward preserving their knees, ankles, and assorted joints, tendons, and muscles. They could also save on visits to the surgeon.

As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude.

As one recalcitrant member of the group said, “Hey, it’s like exercising came with the genes. I can’t change my routine anymore than I can change my feet, which wake up every morning, ready to run for miles.”

This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or you’re over-the-hill group stated, ”Look, if I’m going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.”

Audit Report on Katrina Debit Cards; Some Recipients Swam In Champagne

2011-05-03T20:16:00.000+07:00

A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne – and good stuff, too.

Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters. The establishment, upon hearing of the purchase, has nobly agreed to refund the amount to FEMA.

Other items that emergency cards were used to purchase are the following:

A flotation device of questionable effect, called diamond jewelry.

An escape route from the rising waters to a vacation in the Dominican Republic.

Salvation from a divorce lawyer by paying off a $1,000 legal bill.

Drying out at a strip club, where the recuperative process required $600.

Recuperation with $400 of “adult erotica products.”

The auditors concluded that such purchases were "not necessary to satisfy legitimate disaster needs."

Greg Kutz, a GAO forensic auditor, said one "fraudster" way up in West Virginia received a rental assistance check by using the address of a cemetery in New Orleans.

Another application, employing a vacant lot as an address, found favor in FEMA for a payment of $2,358 in rental assistance.

The relief organization also paid $8,000 and then $5,000 more, in a double-dip into rental assistance, to help a long-suffering recipient survive at a resort hotel in Honolulu.

The GAO also found that FEMA lost track of 750 debit cards, worth a total of $1.5 million.

As a result of the debit-card debacle, FEMA itself has been scheduled to receive federal disaster relief.

April Fool’s trick

2011-05-02T20:17:00.000+07:00

One of the best and funniest April Fool’s tricks was invented and played by me last year. I should say that my friend and me used to make fun of each other regularly on April Fool’s Day with varying success. That is my friend was on his guard and knew he should be ready for my dirty tricks, which made the task almost impossible to carry out.

Last year not long before April Fool’s Day Andrey returned from Canada, where he’d been on a business trip (both of us work as translators of English for one company but on different floors). On April 1st I called Andrey, having arranged beforehand that the telephone girl should interrupt our conversation in a couple of minutes and say that Mr. Andrey Polyarov has a call from Canada. After that she put him through with another telephone in our room, and I quickly answered it. I should say that to change my voice and create the effect of “long-distance call” I wrapped the blower with a sweater and made use of loud speaker instead of receiver. A lot of people were standing still around me, excited that Andrey might recognize my voice. But their fears were groundless – he had no smallest piece of suspicion!

I started speaking in English, my voice being loud and very formal:

         --Is this Mr. Andrey Polyarov?

Andrey, a little anxious, replies:

         --Yes, this is me? Who am I talking to?

         --This is “Otrinto” company, where on March 11th you ordered two commercial vending machines of a total value of 3,141 Canadian dollars…

    -But I haven’t ordered any vending machines…

    -Excuse me, is this Mr. Polyarov?

    -Yes, this is me, but I haven’t ordered any vending machines, and I’m not going to pay anything. – Andrey was starting to lose his patience. I went on insisting…

    -I’m sorry but I have an order with your signature. By the way I remember you pretty well – you’re a Russian, stout, baldish, speaking with accent, right?

    -Right! But I repeat that I haven’t ordered these fucken vending machines…

    -Sir, I should warn you that in case on non-payment within a reasonable time we’ll have to bring a legal action!

Andrey finally lost his temper, started yelling that he never knew any “Otrinto” company, never ordered anything and that I could stick my vending machines up my ass…

The audience in our room couldn’t suppress a laugh, every word from underneath the sweater resulted in a burst of Homeric laughter. I was chuckling myself and couldn’t speak and play my role anymore. I tried to clear the air.

    -Andrey, this is me, Denis, April Fool! – but it was vain. Andrey was shouting that he knew no Denis. He wasn’t even realizing that I was speaking Russian to him…

Of course I could go on further, providing Andrey with the details of his appearance, passport number, address… That’s what I had planned actually, but as I say it was absolutely impossible as my last words weren’t pronounced but were gurgling through the choking laughter.