Photo Credit: Esquire

Paris Hilton doesn’t have time for kissing. Snort, suck, hump, and a love splash in the good eye. That’s all the modern blonde heiress needs to keep her batteries charged. Especially when you’re on a busy club promotional schedule like Paris is in Cannes. But this high school boy she totes around like a purse dog keeps going Happy Days on her at their every port of call. Even Paris knows the golden rule — you don’t kiss a porn star. If that’s your plan for hiding from The Herp, you are sadly mistaken, son.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Here’s a tribute to Michelle’s cleavage prior to her mutation:

Kanye West was doing that thing he does where he tries really hard to be controversial on Saturday Night Live last weekend. He sang a couple of songs from his new album one of which is called New Slaves. It’s about how the prison system is like a new form of slavery. Hence the articulately titled New Slaves. It was shot mostly as a tight close-up of him with images of the Ku Klux Klan and whatnot projected behind him. Lots of white people are in the Klan it seems. I think my dentist is, and I’m positive the guy at the gym who always says they’re out of towels is a Lesser Grand Wizard. He’s Chinese, but best believe he’s keeping Kanye down too. I’m certain there’s a shitload of problems with the U.S. justice system and prisons. I’m equally as certain Kanye doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. Putting poorly thought out notions to music doesn’t suddenly make them compelling. Now give me something I can tap my feet to and shut the fuck up.

There’s nothing wrong with being the spastic bony girl with scoliosis who’s not horrible looking. Personally, I dated nothing but in high school. By senior year, I could unclasp a bra wrenched beneath a corrective back brace with a single hand. That impressed the shit out of many mid-tier state school recruiters. Still, I keep feeling this whole Miley Cyrus is the worlds hottest woman meme is some kind of wicked high school prank by Maxim to get Miley all dressed up for the prom only to be doused with a bucket full of pig’s blood. After Miley mind-explodes the mom from Eight is Enough, she’ll probably pyro up Maxim. Nobody will bother to grab a hose.

Here’s Rosario Dawson in a slit dress that showed off too much. Or exactly what she thought I suppose as the team that dressed her surely noticed. It’s close to the same dress Eva Longoria wore over the weekend up the same steps when she flashed her tampon. I guess to let guys know she’s still fertile. Kind of primal, but I like it.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, Getty, PCN

I remain convinced that watching any show on Bravo! or E! will send even the straightest of men marching toward a truck stop glory hole to discover the fabulous world of cock. Maybe you were born that way, and Tabitha Takes Over merely unleashed the real you, but I’m not taking any chances. Which is sad for me. Because I’m surely missing out on a lot in life, like absolutely nothing I can think of that’s important.

Here’s Joanna Krupa. She’s neither real or a housewife, but she’s one of the stars of the Bravo! series Real Housewives of some city with great establishing shots of boats. It’s hard to imagine that watching Joanna Krupa on TV might make you gay. But that’s how insidious this conspiracy is.

Photo Credit: WENN

Back in February, there were some pretty nasty rumors that Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade was cheating on his model girlfriend Gabrielle Union with random NBA groupie skanks, and some websites even posted a letter that was allegedly written by a girl who claimed to have not only been in Wade’s home, but also that she had pictures of his bags in her hotel room. Gabrielle shot down the rumors on Twitter, saying that the same girl made the same claims a year before, adding, “Take ur meds.”

That said, it must be tough to be Gabrielle, knowing that there are girls out there who attend NBA games with the sole purpose of trying to sleep with players like Dwyane. So it’s nice to see that she took a little vacation to Las Vegas this week, where she enjoyed a bottle of vodka while a friend slapped her ass. Don’t let the haters get to you, Gabrielle.

X-Men: Days of Future Past director Bryan Singer has been teasing the film’s and comic’s fans by Tweeting photos from the set since at least April, but it didn’t matter until yesterday when he posted the first shots of Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique in her naked, blue form. Not a lot of girls could pull off the frozen Irish corpse look, but Jennifer does it pretty damn well.

Now all Bryan needs to do is bring back Rebecca Romijn and explore the very serious and timely plot of what it would look like if the two of them tried on lingerie and wrestled in baby oil. I don’t remember which X-Men issue that was, but I think it was No. 68 or 70.