I hope this doesn’t turn in to a bitching post but he’s beginning to annoy me more and more.  Sex is all about him and he really doesn’t get that I have no interest in it at the moment.  He makes fun of my weight.  I’m sensitive about it.  A lot of the gain came from antipsychotics and I don’t think he understands that.  The thing that annoyed me most though was his decison to clean my bathroom.  It wasn’t dirty and didn’t need it and what he meant to be helpful came across as a criticism.

I don’t know how much longer I can stand this.  I need a friend but not one who makes me feel so bad so much of the time.

Today I rather stupidly went in to placement to try to make up some time.  Once I got there I realised that the woman I would have to work with was one who intimidates me and who treats students like shit.  I decided there was no way I could stay and I left.  I should have said I was ill or something but that would have meant speaking to her.  I feel such an idiot.  I wanted to cut badly when I got home so I phoned the crisis team.  They came out to see me but it didn’t really help.  I still feel ashamed of my behaviour and am afraid of what she’ll say about it.

I can’t continue to avoid sex with R and I imagine we’ll try it tonight.  I’ve asked him to bring some lubricant.  Hopefully that will make it hurt less.

I like R a lot as a friend but I’m not in love with him.  I can’t end the relationship though as that would leave me entirely friendless.  I feel like such a cow.

I’m still hearing voices – loud, aggressive abusive voices but my mood has picked up a little.  I am back on aripiprazole and I think it may be beginning to work.  I stupidly cut myself on my neck and chest and now I’m having to wear polo necks to cover the marks.  Why am I so stupid?

I saw my GP to get my prescription repeated.  He won’t repeat the dianette as I have depression.  I don’t know what to do about that.

I haven’t been to college in the last week.  I just can’t stand the noise and the people.  I’m trying to study at home so as not to miss out.  I have an appointment for a psychotherapy assessment on friday.  I hope that will be helpful after the personality disorder place turned me down.

I have now been given a CPN which I’m pleased about.  He seems like a nice man and I think I can work with him. He has helped me fill in an application for DLA and it would help a lot if I could get it.  Money is very tight at the moment.

College wise I’m still scared of not getting my assessments done or making up all my time.  I’m going in on saturdays still so hopefully I can get some assessments done then.  I can’t face failing.  I don’t know what I’ll do then.

Firstly, the council have written to me telling me that I’m not actually entitled to housing benefit so they’ve stopped it.  It means things are going to be tight financially and I’ve no idea how I’m going to repay what they’ve given me.  I think the mistake was made by Jobcentre Plus (as they sent me a letter telling me I was entitled to Income Support and the council used this to assess my eligibility) but that’s really no help.  I wish they would stop fucking me about.  I am quite stressed about this at the moment.

Secondly, as I took time of from placement due to the lithium overdose I need to go through an occupational health assessment before I can go back on placement.  It’s scheduled for Tuesday but I’ve no idea how honest to be.  I certainly won’t mention that I’m still hearing voices.  All this is worrying me too.

My anxiety levels are quite high at the moment.  I can’t relax and find myself pacing or rocking. I have a permanent feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.   Sometimes I feel unreal and completely detached from my body.  I have to cut to feel something, to confirm that I actually exist.  The voices come in then of course and tell me I don’t exist.  It’s a horrible experience and it can last for a couple of hours.

The biggest development though is that I’ve started to hear another voice, one I haven’t heard in a few years.  It’s slightly different from the others in that it doesn’t insult and criticize me but simply repeats what I’m thinking.  It’s worrying hearing your thoughts outside your head.  While logically I know that other people can’t hear this voice or my thoughts I find myself acting as though they can.  I feel the need to try to control my thoughts to stop myself thinking anything private or uncomplimentary.  This is hard work and almost impossible.  I imagine it’s like having a phobia.  The person with the phobia knows that their fears are out of proportion to the actual risks and yet they still alter their behaviour.  I spend so much time trying to control what I’m thinking that I miss what’s actually going on around me.

I imagine the new voice and the anxiety have been brought on by the stress I feel at the moment and I hope they go away once that passes.  I have some Clonazepam but it doesn’t seem to do much.  The Risperidone has killed my sex drive and that has left me almost completely isolated.  The only emails and text I get are from people wanting sex and I haven’t got the desire or the ability to become aroused at the moment.  On the couple of occasions I’ve tried to have sex I’ve been so unaroused that it’s hurt and I don’t want to go through that again.  It means I have no social contact at all though.  It’s now been nine days since I last spoke to anyone.  I know I should make an effort to make proper friends but I don’t know where to start.

Anyway, at the moment I’m focussing on the occupational health interview.  The stress hasn’t helped my mental state but I fear for it even more if I fail it.

I don’t know where this feeling is coming from.  I’ve just started Risperidone.  It could be that.  Or it could be the start of another depression.  I can’t concentrate at the moment and I’m finding being alone difficult.  I’ve invited R round three times this week.  We don’t do anything, I just need a distraction from that feeling.  I’ve been using Clonazepam to try to take the edge off but it doesn’t really work.  I’ve never got much out of minor tranquilizers.

Hand in hand with guilt comes fear and I feel afraid for the future.  I can’t explain it but it feels as though everything is about to go wrong.  I can feel the fear in my stomach.  Sometimes it’s so strong I feel physically sick.  I can’t relax at all.  All in all, I don’t feel good at the moment.

The last session I did was a let down for different reasons.  My partner was a novice and I don’t think he was ready for the real experience.  After all of the build up and anticipation he seemed to go through anything was going to be a let down but I fear I did let him down.  I checked he was okay the following day but he was quite short with me and I haven’t heard from him otherwise.  I also fear I pushed him too far on the pain scale.  He had a safe word and a guide word (and used neither) but maybe that was bravado or some sort of endurance test.  Whatever happened I feel bad about it.  I have another session arranged for monday.  I’m not in the mood and the man is becoming more and more demanding.  It’s not going to be a good session either but I can’t back out of it now.

I seem to go through a cycle where I do lots of sessions, sicken myself of it and drop out then feel lonely and start again.  I wish I could break this cycle.  I wish I could relate to people in a way that isn’t sexual.  I wish I could relate to other people on a friendship level and be able to maintain that friendship.  Unfortunately it’s a skill I seem to lack and I’m lonely (and crippled in some ways) because of it.  My psychiatrist has decided to refer me for psychotherapy which I’m quite pleased about however I googled the name of the unit and found it’s for people with severe personality disorders.  Do I have a personality disorder?  I’d like to say no but I’m not sure.  I know that my coping strategies don’t work very well and I have difficulties relating to others.  Maybe that’s what a personality disorder is.

At the moment I just can’t be bothered to do anything, whether that’s medication or reaching the bored and feeling bad part of my cycle I can’t say.  I just hope it passes soon.

The morning after I first took it I was struck by a heavy feeling, as though someone had strapped weights all over my body.  I did feel calm and relaxed though so maybe it’s having a positive effect.  I’m seeing the crisis team again and they told me the sleepiness may just be my body trying to catch up on the sleep it lost while I was having all those sleep problems on Aripiprazole.  Maybe.  i hope it doesn’t make me permanently drowsy in the way Clozapine did.

I had sex with R.  I shouldn’t have done as it’s not four weeks since the polyp removal operation.  The following day I started to bleed quite heavily again.  I wonder if it’s my fault.  I have an appointment with the gynecologist next Friday. I guess I’ll have to discuss it with her then.

I’ve also been playing in a bdsm sense quite heavily, mostly as a top.  I hope I don’t get to the point where I burn myself out with it again.  On Saturday I saw one man as a bottom but he didn’t push me hard enough and I was left rather disappointed.  I could have taken a lot more, I was barely flinching when he brought the session to a close.  We both said we’d see each other again.  I think we both know we won’t.

The other sessions were all as top – K on Monday.  I was amazed that he managed to ejaculate with no physical stimulation to his penis.  I never used to believe men could do that until I met S and saw that he could too.  K is only my second man who can do this. He seemed embarrassed about it.   We did some knife play where he seemed really hard  but it was when I was smothering that he achieved orgasm.  I guess his fixation and excitement from that must be very strong.  With S is was bound women and it came as a shock to me that he could ejaculate simply by watching me lie there struggling.  I used to think it was a sign that these men weren’t very experienced sexually but now I’m not so sure.  Maybe they’re just hugely aroused by the one thing, maybe they just have a very strong fetish.

I also have a couple of CP sessions lined up as top.  Both seem like nice men.  One is quite extreme and I suppose I fear going too far.  I’m still learning and while I think I’m reasonably proficient he wants to submit entirely and wants a “proper punishment beating”.  He won’t get one.  I’m still going to stop if I see he is in too much distress although I do intend the session to be long and quite heavy.  The other man is lighter but I think I get on better with him on a personal level.  We manage to chat and tease each other so I think I’m looking forward to that one more.

I can’t explain this sudden rise in my sex drive.  Maybe it’s some sort of rebound effect from stopping the aripiprazole.  I’m also much happier and much more talkative than usual.  I don’t think I’m going high as the voices are still negative but it feels quite nice.  I’m still slightly worried what the psychiatrist is going to say about my decision to stop it alone though.

I imagine the voices will come back just as they were but at least with them I could sit still, I didn’t look so odd people asked me if I was okay and I could sleep.  I haven’t had a full nights sleep in about two months now.  I don’t have an appointment with my psychiatrist for another ten days and I can’t carry on like this for that period of time.  I had to leave college early today as trying to sit through lectures was impossible.

Aripiprazole is the first med that’s had a positive effect on my voices but I can’t stand this feeling anymore.  I wonder if there is (yet another) med to counteract this side effect.  Whatever, tomorrow morning I won’t be taking the tablet.