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Under Construction

Twitter, oh, Twitter. I debated even looking at it when it first became popular, spending way too much time on Facebook as it is.  But I’ve crossed over to the dark side, and I don’t think there’s a vaccine for this kind of addiction.

I am now Twitter’s bitch. Most of the people I follow are a cast of characters that would put a Nora Ephron casting call to shame. I know I’ve been on way too long, because I often have dreams about the fabulous sitcom one could create within this walk of shame, and the abundance of humorous one-liners and quips. I think there is quite an art to digesting life’s ups and downs into 140 characters. Trust me. It’s not easy.

I am pretty selective about who I follow.  If I don’t have coffee snorting out my nose, if I’m not peeing in my pants, or if I don’t find myself saying “OMG [in big capital letters], I’ve so been there,” then I probably won’t follow. I don’t follow celebrities…they’re whores already.  I like to give the rest of the common folk a chance. I follow new moms, authors, cartoonists, sparring couples, folks from different parts of the world, hot chicks, bad boys, soldiers, grumpy old men and lovely aging women.

Some people say it is an enormous time waster. If you are a multi-tasker, however, and know how to discipline yourself and know how to do things with one hand [insert giggle here], it can be done. [Training tip #1: You just must take caution, however, if you find yourself even saying words, like,  “with one hand,” you will get some people following you, uninvited, who are ready to do all kinds of things to you “with one hand.” That’s the ewwww factor you must learn to live with…then proceed to chopblock them.]

There is an unwritten rule amongst my Twitter family. We are there to hold each other up, touch each other inappropriately, question – and embrace – each other’s motives. Being devious is a delight. Menacing is encouraged, although no meanness is allowed. Having a flair for fun reaps its own rewards. It’s the one family you can actually depend on that will NOT make you feel unworthy, unloved, too short, too fat, too boring, or just that you are a downright pain in the ass. And if someone does, it’s as easy as pushing a button to get them removed from the family.  And if that doesn’t work, well, there’s always Uncle Nunzio. But I digress…

Everything and everyone is fair game on Twitter.  In-laws, boogers, sex, no sex, and other taboo subjects that will never end up on Facebook, less you be the wrath of your sons and daughters, nieces, nephews and their friends, and their friends, and their friends. Nobody on Twitter will ever roll their eyes, and say “O, mommmmmm.” [Training tip No. 2: We know you love your children, but do them a favor – just don’t.]

Many say, “Now, why would I want to hear about somebody having a cup of coffee or going to the bathroom?” It’s not the cup of coffee, it’s the capability to make yours blurt out your nose when you read their take on it.  It’s not about going to the bathroom, it’s about some of the more intimate details going on in that bathroom, both clean and dirty. Another ewww factor. Sweet.

So if you just don’t get Twitter, then you just don’t get it. And we appreciate that you resist the temptation to follow.  It’s not that you might lack a sense of humor…well, yeah, you probably do…but we’re really afraid you just might tell mom on  us.