As December comes to close, I wanted to take a minute to write down and commemorate some of what I learned this year. And this year, maybe more than any other, much of what I learned and processed, I learned and processed through reading books. Hope you enjoy a few reflections from me and a lot of truth from authors that have inspired me and guided me this year.

“A person must pass the lessons learned on to others—or there has been no real gift at all.”  Richard Rohr, Falling Upward

2017 was a strange one for me.

Strange. Unusual. Surprising. Unsettling.

I remember ringing in the New Year in Austin almost twelve months ago with a keen sense that change was ahead. But naively not knowing what at all that might entail. And looking back now, I realize that what I thought might be a change in job, a change in vocation, and a change in residence, was actually a deconstruction of my life, my identity, and my thinking.

“We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.” Richard Rohr, Falling Upward

I posted this on Instagram in April and it felt like the most honest and revealing post I wrote all year.

“Drove by this building today in the middle of booming downtown Nashville and couldn’t stop staring at it in all its deconstruction — messy wires, bare bones, and scraps of floors. Demo Plus — that’s what the big crane reads as it sits proudly by.
Demo.
Plus.
Being at Q Conference today with so many friends and world-changers was fun and inspiring, life-giving and the best kind of challenging. Lots of thoughtful questions about where I’ve been, what I’m learning and what’s ahead. But gosh as I climb in bed tonight, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little like this over-exposed building being carefully excavated as buildings stand tall all around.
And my hope — for me and the building — is that albeit painful and tedious at times that the gutting is done just right. That there would be time and effort ensuring that the deconstruction is thorough and complete so that whatever is built on this land next is built on solid ground — because although I don’t know what’s to come, I TRUST that this right here is prime real estate.” @lindseynobles

Over-exposed. Excavated. Gutted. Grieved. Committed to doing the work. And hopeful that on the other side of the work, lies life, abundant life.

Deconstruction.

Yes, I’ve come to claim that as my word for 2017. And here’s what I have learned about deconstruction. Deconstruction is hard. And deconstruction is good.

“Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life. Knowing this gives me hope that human wholeness-mine, yours, ours-need not be a utopian dream, if we can use devastation as a seedbed for new life.” Parker J. Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

Deconstruction is uncomfortable. Deconstruction is messy. And done correctly, deconstruction lasts longer and requires more than one might imagine at first glance.

Deconstruction often happens publicly. But deconstruction is deeply personal and spiritual work.

“Henri Nouwen wrote of the spiritual work of gratitude: To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives—the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow, the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections—that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.” Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust

This winter, as I begin to catch glimpses of what my next chapter might include, as I began to trust the process, I began to feel deeply grateful.

“In my own life, as winters turn into spring, I find it not only hard to cope with mud but also hard to credit the small harbingers of larger life to come, hard to hope until the outcome is secure. Spring teaches me to look more carefully for the green stems of possibility; for the intuitive hunch that may turn into a larger insight, for the glance or touch that may thaw a frozen relationship, for the stranger’s act of kindness that makes the world seem hospitable again.” Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Grateful for the space. For the time. For the journeys {and there were a lot of amazing journeys}.

Grateful for the family. For the friends. For the guides.

Grateful for the lessons learned. For a waiting room with clearly marked doors and windows.

Grateful for a deep abiding faith. For a God who welcomes my angst, my wrestling, and my honest cries. For a God who signals movement and offers presence and promise.

“The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of the pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.” Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust

Grateful for a God who is good and who is trustworthy.

“Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father’s active goodness and unrestricted love.”
Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust

Grateful for a God who is mystery and who is love.

“While the impostor draws his identity from past achievements and the adulation of others, the true self claims identity in its belovedness. We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences but in our simple presence in life.” Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child

2018, I greet you expectantly, thankfully, simply, and ready.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.” Rumi

This has been a kind of weird season for me. I thought I would write about it because maybe it’s a weird season for you too?!? Or maybe writing about it will help me see things more clearly?!? {That happens sometimes.}

Lately I’ve kind of felt like a crazy person. Let’s be honest, we’re all a little crazy these days. {I blame Facebook.}

I’m two months in to a new season in life — settling into friendships, into a new neighborhood, into a new home, and  making  trying to make decisions about calling, purpose and vocation, or as most folks would say making a living. It’s a lot. A lot. The decisions are piling up and I keep praying for someone to come and direct traffic around me. {If you know someone with a bright orange vest and a flag, send them my way please.}

About now, if you run in the same circles I do, you’re probably wondering what my enneagram number is. Because THEN you’ll have a better understanding of my personality and my motivations. But y’all I CAN’T EVEN land on a number. {You’re thinking I’m a six because of the duality and reference to the word ‘fear’ in the title and of course because of my indecision. But you don’t hear the loud inner voice questioning each word I type — one. Or know how hard it is to get in touch with my feelings and needs even though yours seem to be crystal clear — two.}

For a doer, a decision maker, a builder, an achiever {nope – definitely not a three}, these seasons of transition or indecision are hard for me. I feel lost. Lost without a map. Lost without a map, a cell phone, and a travel buddy. Yesterday I scibbled this in a notebook before a meeting. Like maybe the answer would just divinely appear…..

“what do you do when you don’t know what to do?”

I guess that’s the question that’s haunting me right now.

I know all the spiritual answers.

You rest. You pray. You seek wise counsel. You serve. You trust. You have faith.

The practical answers are harder.

“what do you do when you don’t know what to do?”

You succumb to the fear and don’t get out of bed for days?!? You move anyway?!? You wait for clarity and direction?!?

{Okay, those answers are kind of spiritual too. I can’t help it I’m a spiritual and a practical person.}

But really…What do you DO?!?

So anyway, back to this season, this hard season, this season full of questions and devoid of real answers, this season of transition. This season of fear. This season of faith. Yep, you haven’t heard it yet but the faith is there too. That’s the crazy-making part. They way they co-mingle, the fear and the faith.

They are two loud voices in my head, constantly vying for my attention. One voice, full of faith. And the other, full of fear. I argue with them both. They argue with each other. I tell them to quiet down. {Yes, there’s lots going on up there.}

And most days when I get the slew of transition questions {“how’s nashville?” “what’s happening on the job front?”…} I spew out whatever garbage they’re selling, unfiltered — and it’s either real inspiring or a total trainwreck. But when I am real honest with myself and with others, neither voice feels completely believable, completely honest, completely complete.

The faith voice is too optimistic, too idealistic, too desperate for God to come and save the day. It says, “I’m just waiting for God to show me the next step. I know He will show me when I’m ready, when I’ve learned what I need to in this transition. It will all come together in the right time…”

The fear voice is too pathetic, too exhausting, too out of touch with the truth of my life — what has been and what will be. It says, “You need to make a plan. You need to get after something, anything. Time is running out. You shouldn’t have left…”

So…

Somedays it’s faith with a little fear.

Somedays it’s fear with a little faith.

Here’s hoping for more days of the faith with a little fear.

Tell me, can you relate? Or am I crazy-crazy?!?

“Seasons is a wise metaphor for the movement of life, I think. It suggests that life is neither a battlefield nor a game of chance but something infinitely richer, more promising, more real. The notion that our lives are like the eternal cycle of the seasons does not deny the struggle or the joy, the loss or the gain, the darkness or the light, but encourages us to embrace it all -and to find in all of it opportunities for growth.”
Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Sorry that it’s been awhile since I’ve given you an update on my life. I have spent the last several months grieving {walking away from an organization that you helped build and lead was more difficult than I could have imagined}, reflecting, processing and doing a lot of much needed self-care.

I have searched deep within myself for clues to who I am and what I need from the next chapter of my life. I have returned to square one and reconnected with dear friends, but most importantly I’ve reconnected with myself.

“I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom. What’s more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it’s the same as receiving me.”
Matthew 18:2-5, The Message

And I have intentionally been slow to make decisions about what I might do and where I might live. I didn’t want to be hasty or to make good decisions for the wrong reasons. But a month or two ago I finally felt a little clarity on what is next for me. I am moving back to Nashville next week.

Yes, for those of you have been around for awhile, this will be my third time moving there in ten years. Some might say I’m crazy or flighty but the truth is I feel like I’ve mostly tried to be obedient and willing.

“Some journeys are direct, and some are circuitous; some are heroic, and some are fearful and muddled. But every journey, honestly undertaken, stands a chance of taking us toward the place where our deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.”
Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

As always, moving cross country brings on ALL THE FEELINGS. I’m sad to be leaving a town I love and people I love. I am both ecstatic and anxious to return to a city that has all four seasons, is always growing and changing, and that feels like home to me. I know I am returning to a different Nashville than the one I left three years ago. The good news is that I am returning a little different, a little more seasoned, a little more sure of who I am and what I value.

“Discovering vocation does not mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond my reach but accepting the treasure of true self I already posses.” Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

So that covers the where, now for the what. Here’s what I will be doing once I settle back in Nashville. Through the end of the year, at least, I will be doing some coaching and consulting with people and organizations that I am passionate about helping grow. I’m am thrilled about being able to pour into a myriad of things and having a little freedom and flexibility while I do it.

One of the projects I’m most excited about is partnering with my long-time friend and leadership expert Jenni Catron on a Coaching Group for non-profit leaders.

Click here for more information.  And please help us get word out to non-profit leaders who might benefit from some personalized leadership development and a community of like-minded peers.

As always thank you for your constant prayers and encouragement. It has been a tremendous comfort in this season of change. I am grateful to have such a loyal community surrounding me and cheering me on. Hope to see you somewhere along the way!

Lindsey

In 1991, when I was in eighth grade, my church “split.” At least that is what people said happened.

But now looking back I now know, my church tore.

And my heart and my faith tore, more than a little, too.

Twenty-six years later, I am weepy just thinking about it — the tearing.

It was ugly. I’m not sure my eighth grade self could understand how ugly. Families divided. Vandalism. Leaders’ character under investigation. And when a vote to leave the PCUSA didn’t end the way a majority of congregants wanted, they left and started a new church.

But my family stayed.

Not out of conviction or theology. Not out of alignment with a large and powerful denomination.

But out of loyalty to a place that raised my sister and I. But out of an unwillingness to leave a building that was home. But out of pure love of Summer Splash, Vacation Bible School, Youth Group Ski Trips, and Lock-Ins. And because of relationships.

Even as an innocent eighth grader, there was cost. Bold young friends made seemingly unfair judgements about me, my family, and my faith. Eventually the pain and the accusation were one of the gaping fissures that drove me away from church, for years.

Maybe that’s why in this season of splitting, in this season of tearing, I feel so fragile navigating life.

Navigating faith.

So fragile.

I know what is on the line here. I see it all very clearly. The cost is great, too great. For me. For my Church.

I feel fragile because while some feel led to protect doctrine, and some feel led to fight for justice for the oppressed. I feel led to hold tensions, to stay bound to both sides, and to usher in my fellow outliers.

And the truth, at least as I see it, is that God is on both sides of these debates. He is for Martha and He is is for Mary. He is for the prodigal son and He is for his brother. He is for the woman at the well and He is for her accusers. He is for truth and He is for love.

“Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.”
John 8:7 (Message)

And I believe it when He asks for us to love one another and to be a credible witness. Gosh, how we must be disappointing Him.

“Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.”
John 13:34 – 35 (Message)

And I believe He would prefer us to spend our time and energy acknowledging, defining and repenting of OUR SIN and our struggles. Versus being quite so worried about other peoples’ sin and struggles.

“Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”
Luke 5:31 – 32 (NIV)

So when churches split — tear — as they sadly will continue to do, I am going to hold my stones and stand on the side of Love. Because I am certain I have a bunch of junk that is mine to deal with and that’s all I really have time for right now.

I, like many of you, read and deeply resonated with Jen Hatmaker’s Good Friday post, When Treasured Things Are Dead.

Jen and I have had different journeys, different experiences, and I can’t even fathom her pain and grief.

I grieve for her, and with her.

And I know the difficulty of untangling life and ministry, Jesus and religion. I know wrestling. I know pain. I know hurt. I know loss. I know grief.

Some treasured things in my life are dead. A chapter has closed. A season has ended. While transition brings the hope of something new, it also brings searing pain of change and loss.

Yes, I know grief.

I am living with him these days. I wish I wasn’t. I would be happy to shake him off and push him out the door. But instead grief is an unwelcomed friend who has seemingly overstayed his welcome. Being ready for him to leave doesn’t negate his presence. So I change tactics, invite him to stay awhile, I sit with him, and experience all he brings. The anger, the sadness, the bargaining, the acceptance. Still, hoping he’ll get the hint and move on…eventually.

Just be sure to notice the collateral beauty. It’s the profound connection to everything.

The morning after I read Jen’s post, I woke up with an unusual sense of peace and hopefulness. I woke up with eyes to see the “collateral beauty” that grief brings with him. I had watched the Will Smith movie the evening before and I woke up with a deep sense of knowing that grief is teaching me things. Grief is giving me things.

Eyes taught to discern true friendship.

A heart that can deeply mourn and empathize with a friend.

A soul that is begging for Jesus.

A hope for a realized Kingdom of Heaven.

And now I can’t stop seeing the gifts of grief. 

In my daily devotionals…

“Mourning is indeed a brutal form of emptiness. But in this emptiness, if we can remain open, we discover that a mysterious “something” does indeed reach back to comfort us; the tendrils of our grief trailing out into the unknown become intertwined in a greater love that holds all things together. To mourn is to touch directly the substance of divine compassion. And just as ice must melt before it can begin to flow, we, too, must become liquid before we can flow into the larger mind. Tears have been a classic spiritual way of doing this.” Cynthia Bourgeault

An open emptiness. 

A divine compassion. 

In Dave Lomas’ Easter message about 2 hopeless men on the road to Emmaus who are unknowingly walking in step with a man who they believed was dead…

“And we had our hopes up that he was the One, the One about to deliver Israel. And it is now the third day since it happened.” Luke 24

A holy disillusionment. 

A surrender of false hope and expectation. 

An unassuming intimacy with Jesus. 

A faith in a redeemed future. 

So grief may come. And he may stay as long as it is required to do the learning that is necessary to equip me for the next thing. I promise to not neglect the collateral beauty he leaves in his wake.

“The Resurrection means that the worst thing is never the last thing.” Frederick Buechner

I love launching things.
I love working with corporations and/or globally-minded NGOs.
I love working with men and in co-ed environments.

I committed to working through IF:Gathering 2017 and then I spent the rest of the February on sabbatical — grieving, celebrating, and beginning to dream about what God is calling me to in this next season.

I came back from sabbatical with absolute clarity on one thing. The time for me to transition is now. And unfortunately for my plan-loving-self, that’s all I know with any certainty at this time.

I am not sure what is ahead, professionally or personally. I am not sure if this job change will lead to a move back to Nashville or if I will remain here in Austin. I am going to take some time, do some listening and some learning, and some waiting until there is more clarity on the right next steps.

One of the things I needed in this season is more clarity on my strengths, my giftedness, and my unique skills and passions. So I have spent some time with Bill Hendricks at The Giftedness Center . He affirmed what I’ve known but not been able to put words to, “you were born to create community and build culture. You are an architect of affiliation. You gather tribes of kindred spirits whose collective energy has the potential to unite movements and transform the world around them.”

I’ve had the immense honor of getting to be a part of just that for the last six years building and working with IF:Gathering. Moving forward, I hope I can continue to be a part of movements that shape individuals, and the world.

I am grateful for you for following along on my crazy journey. Thank you for being friends and confidants, for being encouragers and listening ears. You give me strength to keep on keeping on. If you are pray-ers, I would covet your prayers during this season. Pray that I’ll be wise, courageous, and patient, that I’ll keep listening and learning, that I’ll be open-handed and open-hearted.

More to come…

{Photo by Esther Havens}

I began 2017 on planes — 3 to be exact — headed to Thailand. I went with some a few friends and others {now new friends} that I respect who are passionately advocating for social justice work in their churches and in their communities around the world.

We went to uncover the roots and hidden connections of our complicity in the issue of human trafficking. We went to try to understand trafficking with all of its nuances from prevention to rescue to rehabilitation. We started in Bangkok in the red light districts and we worked our way backwards to the villages of northern Thailand.

I took at least 20 pages of notes. I listened and I learned. And I felt burdened to do more listening and more learning.

Two things I know for sure —

The issues are complex.

And there are no simple solutions.

A few statistics that we heard:

{Note: that one thing we heard over and over again was how unreliable trafficking and sex tourism statistics are.}

In Bangkok, 10,000 girls are available for purchase every evening.

2 out of 65 people are estimated to work in the sex industry in Thailand.

7 out of 10 men that visit Thailand engage in sex tourism. This only accounts for 20% of the industry — the other 80% of customers are Thai men.

Around the world, 12.3 million people are engaged in forced labor of some kind.

In Asia, 1 million children live in conditions indistinguishable from slavery.

27% of all victims globally are children. Every every 3 child victims, 2 are girls and 1 is a boy.

425,000 people in Thailand live in modern slavery.

In northern Thailand, 9.9% of kids never attend school. 43% drop out before completing primary school.

I know. I felt it too. The statistics are OVERWHELMING.

But the numbers don’t tell it all.

They don’t tell you that Thailand is a vibrant country full of strong and passionate women and men who want more for themselves and their children. They don’t tell you about the hope and determination we couldn’t neglect to see in the eyes of those investing their time and resources into helping build a better, a freer future.

We met the communities impacted by the work of the freedom story. We visited their resource centers where they are teaching English and Chinese, tutoring, counseling, providing computers, and hosting community activies. We saw the sustainability projects they’ve started {and bought some scarves and clutches}. We heard about how 93% of their students graduate and they’ve taught 1,250 students about sexual and identity rights. {More soon on how you can help support this important work.}

We saw non-profits and law enforcement partnering together to bring about change.

And of course…

We had rich conversations about ethical storytelling, life and calling, and the myriad tensions of social justice work. We ate THE BEST food. We laughed. And we rode elephants.

Below are some of my favorite pics of the trip by the amazing Benjamin Edwards.

Back at last with another installment of “the single sessions”. Today I’m introducing you to Rachel Gardner. I met Rachel last year in Dallas when she was a senior at SMU. Here’s a short snippet of her story:

LN: What do you feel like God is calling you to in this season?

RG: Due to my lifelong passion for all things Disney it has always been a dream of mine to work for The Walt Disney Company. A month after graduating college I moved to Florida to work at Walt Disney World® and I couldn’t be happier making magic every day! I excitedly plan my future and wherever my Disney career takes me. I am a dreamer. I love dreaming of new projects, new places, and new ideas, and the freedom that comes with that. I believe God thoughtfully creates passions in us for people and causes, and uses those to inspire the dreams that make a difference in this world.

Keeping up with the family and friends I love so deeply is extremely important and being far away has challenged me to make the effort. I try to make sure we talk regularly and not just about superficial things, but the reality of what’s happening in our lives right now, just as if we were gathered together like always. We are learning to sustain each other, even from miles apart.

In addition, I am learning to embrace the peace that comes with singleness. I don’t long to be restless. So often in this age of instant gratification we feel the need to be constantly occupied with something, but I’m glad my time isn’t occupied with a relationship and the responsibilities that go with it (though certainly nothing is wrong with those, it’s just something that doesn’t have to concern me right now).

LN: What are some things (experiences, relationships, pursuits, etc.) in your life that singleness has made possible?

RG: In college it was helping grow my sorority, Sigma Phi Lambda, and spending quality one-on-one time with new members, as well as new freshman. Going from high school to college is a hard transition and it was important to me to be that friend or coffee date to any girl who felt like they needed someone to talk to. “Phi Lamb” was exactly what I looked for coming to college and couldn’t find, so being able to help create this beautiful community of Sisters for the Lord was extremely important to me. I rejoiced in being there to welcome anyone interested in joining our family with open arms.

Now earlier, when I said I love Disney you’re probably thinking “oh that’s nice” but you have no idea how much I really do love this company. Its unparalleled storytelling, creation of places where children and families can have fun together, and overall joy that comes from experiencing the magic never cease to make my heart swell. For me, it is that special, indescribable feeling I have when I hear Walt Disney’s voice and vision and love for his company, or when I see the look on a child’s face when they meet their favorite character, or when I watch fireworks at the Magic Kingdom® , with tears streaming down my face, because I am reminded of the beauty and true heart that is Disney. It tells me everything will be okay, encourages everyone to achieve their best, that good triumphs over evil, to celebrate everyday, and that dreams come true. My love for Christ and Disney harmoniously come together because delivering excellent Guest Service is simultaneously showing the love of Christ and joy I have because of Him to everyone I meet.

I can move to a new state, follow my dream, support my friends and family with frequent and long texts and phone calls, and commit to making my relationship with Christ as strong and fruitful as it can be, because even with someone else it doesn’t change my commitment to Christ. I don’t know whether I’m “called to singleness” forever or not, but I know who lights my path and that Blessed Assurance is all I need.

LN: What does Christian dating look like for you/your friends?

RG: Confession time: I have been single for 22 years, that’s right, my whole life.

So I can’t speak to personal experience on this one, but I do have friends in amazing relationships. I enjoy learning from them – hearing about their dates, difficulties, triumphs – and building a repertoire of how I would respond to situations in a potential relationship.

It looks like selflessness, honoring the other person with kindness and humility. It looks like asking girls on dates face to face, taking initiative in what you do together, but allowing for suggestions and spontaneity. It looks like being your truest self, and every emotion that comes with that, in front of the other person and he or she loving you in spite of it. Finally, it looks like honest conversations about faith, forgiveness, and the future.

LN: What are some challenges of being single?

RG: In college, over the course of three and a half years, I had four best friends who were all Christians and all in serious relationships and it hit me: now THIS was something I desired and hadn’t seen before among my peers: a committed dating relationship with Christ at the center. Suddenly my singleness became shockingly apparent and rather bothersome. It’s been a roller coaster ride of feeling confident in myself one minute to feeling sad because I fear I will be alone all my life the next. And why is that a fear? Is it because marriage is a biblical desire and we don’t want to miss out? Or because we were built for relationships and are simply broken people who desire companionship?

Going to church alone is difficult, because even with friends you can still feel like a third wheel among them or the church as a whole. Finding friends to go with helps, but sometimes they aren’t available and it’s only you. Somedays it’s empowering and others you just ache because your soul wants for something so meaningful, but so seemingly unattainable.

Feeling like everyone in the world but you is in a relationship and being constantly reminded of it: songs on the radio, friends and family, and the worst, browsing through social media. Whether it’s the seemingly endless slew of engagements and weddings or the alternating ads for engagement rings coupled with match.com single guys plastered across my screen, the reminders are endless.

In all seriousness, it is hard to hear from others “make the most of this season of singleness” because I feel this enormous pressure to be doing something great with every second of my time and if I don’t, it’s wasted.

The questions we single people often ask ourselves usually sound like:

• “Am I desirable?”
• “Will someone still love me when they see what a broken person I am?”
• “Why does this happen for other people and not me?”
• “Will I feel satisfied when I’m finally married?”

The beautiful thing about all of these questions (and probably any others you can think of) is that they can be answered and fulfilled in Christ.

• You have been desirable to God since day one. Psalm 139:13-16
• He knows you completely and loves you perfectly. Ephesians 2:4-7, Romans 8:35-39
• We are so controlling with our seemingly finite time, but God works in ways beyond our comprehension to bring about our good (and if you think back on it aren’t we thankful!) Ecclesiastes 3:11
• That restlessness in your soul is for something greater than you are now – that is a yearning to know your God more! Psalm 42:1-2

At least as I pondered these thoughts about why I felt restless, why I felt something was missing, I realized I overlooked the crucial fact that ONLY Jesus can truly satisfy our souls no matter our stage in life. His love for us is so deep, so committed, and so selfless, more than any we could find on this earth – that Love is everything. Humbling myself at the foot of the cross, unashamed because of His great mercy toward me, I pray to be fully satisfied in Him alone. Revel in knowing you have everything you need because you have Jesus.

LN: How can your friends and/or your church do a better job of loving you in the season you are in?

RG:

• Let off the pressure. I have been asked consistently since the eighth grade, “do you have a boyfriend?” or “are you seeing anyone?” WHY does that have to be a prerequisite question for where you are in your life? Why not focus on you, your accomplishments, your friendships, and dreams you have for your future?
• Let us share our strengths and weaknesses in singleness with you. Ask us how we are doing, in the appropriate situations, instead of waiting for us to bring it up. I find freedom in sharing my weaknesses with those I’m closest to because it allows for Jesus to enter in those moments and transform you though the work of your community {2 Corinthians 12:7-9}. My heart is overjoyed when my friends ask how I am REALLY doing. Bottling up feelings will only make you feel isolated and helpless. Let those who know and love you help you through the difficult times and celebrate the victories with you, too.

And we’re back with another  installment of “the single sessions.” I have loved reading your comments on Ashley, Joy Beth and Evan’s posts. Now I’m excited to introduce you to Amy Ickes. Amy moved four months ago to San Antonio from New Jersey to start a new job at a church. Being on staff at a Church and having experience a lot of transition in her life, I thought Amy had a great perspective to share.

“I have to wonder if it would be easier to make these kinds of transitions if I wasn’t single. Would it be easier to meet people, get plugged into a LifeGroup, and feel like I belong if I wasn’t trying to do it all on my own?”

Name:  Amy Ickes
City, St:  San Antonio, TX
Age:  40 (This is the first time I’ve had to put that in writing – ouch!)
Relationship Status: Chronically Single
Profession:  Church Communications & Discipleship Director 

LN: What has been your experience of singleness in the Church?

AI: Like many kids who grew up in church, my experience with singleness was limited. Most of the single adults I knew were fresh out of college or were widowed. Singleness was never addressed in any context other than the typical youth group “save yourself for marriage” talks. It was assumed that everyone would get married someday, so we never talked about that “what if” scenario.

Even now, singleness continues to be a one-line insert hidden somewhere in the annual message series about marriage and family, and it’s usually done as an awkward joke aimed at young adults who are dating and just haven’t gotten married yet. Those of us who now officially fall outside that demographic and are starting to have to face the reality that marriage is not a foregone conclusion are left wondering what to do with our sexuality, our desires, and our dreams. And no one is really talking about that in church – certainly not from the pulpit.

LN: What do you feel like God is calling you to in this season? 

AI: A few years ago, I was in a small group with a bunch of young, unmarried women, and the conversations we had there made me realize how much we need to be allowed to talk about sexuality, intimacy, and male-female relationships outside of the confines of marriage. Out of those conversations, God prompted me to start writing a book about singleness and what to do with that “gift” in a world where marriage is not a guarantee, but whole-life purity is still a biblical mandate.

Professionally, He’s called me to full-time church ministry, which means I now have a lot of potential opportunities to help change the part of Church culture that still sees unmarried people as different, other, and in some cases sadly, less than.

Personally, He is calling me to a place of healing. I’m finally at a healthy church where it’s not only safe enough to talk about things like mental illness, it’s actually encouraged, especially at the staff level. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can start working through the trauma of sexual abuse that’s part of my story, the anger and bitterness I’ve felt in my unmarried state, and the lies I’ve chosen to believe about God and myself. I’m just getting started on this part of my journey, but these first steps in the right direction are the key to finding my voice, and eventually helping others find theirs.

LN: How has it been walking through life transitions as a single? 

AI: When you’re dissatisfied with where you are in life, it is nearly impossible to enjoy the life you’ve been given. I’ve missed out on a lot of good things because I’ve been looking outside my current circumstances for my happiness.

I’ll readily admit that God and I have had several fights about this and I will readily admit that those fights have come from my own lack of belief that He really loves me as much as He loves everyone else. Life transitions have been hard because I’ve chosen to believe in Satan’s lies, rather than in God’s love.

In the NIV, Lamentations 3:22 says, “Because of the Lord’s great love for us, we are not consumed…” When I don’t believe in that love, I am consumed – by self-pity, fear, loneliness, bitterness, and hopelessness. When I choose to believe what God says about Himself (and about me), I’m able to give of myself sacrificially, I’m at peace, and I have hope that He has good things for me, which makes those life transitions easier, and even fully enjoyable.

LN: What are some things (experiences, relationships, pursuits, etc.) in your life that singleness has made possible? 

One of the biggest pros of being unmarried is that I’m only responsible for me. This allows for a degree of spontaneity that my married friends can’t enjoy as often. So if I wake up on Friday morning and decide I want to head down the shore or run up to Austin for the BBQ I’ve been craving all week, I don’t have to check with anyone else. I can just get in the car and go. As a complete and utter introvert, being outside and driving on the open road are by far two of the most refreshing things for my soul, so this arrangement works really well for me! (Also, no one talks to me in the morning before coffee!)

A few years ago, I was attending a church with a very strong high school and college group made up of some of the most amazing, spiritually mature kids I’ve ever had the privilege to know. Because I didn’t have a family to care for, I was able to spend a lot of time with them, pour into their lives, and enjoy some 2 AM fires after wiffleball. When one of those kids was killed in an accident after I’d moved away, I was able to drop everything, travel back, and fully devote myself to that group as we all grieved together.

More recently, being single allowed me to move across the country. In January, I moved from New Jersey to Texas to take a job at a church, and I’ve completely fallen in love with both Texas and that church. This is something that may not have ever happened if I was married, which would have been a huge loss for me on a lot of different levels. 

LN: What are some of the challenges of being single? 

AI: I always joke that my landlord, the utility companies, and the guy fixing the brakes on my car don’t care that I’m single, so financially, being single has been a challenge at times. On the other hand, I only have one mouth to feed in my household, so I suppose it all balances out.

One of the biggest challenges for me is something Joy Beth talked about: going to church alone. Being on staff allows me the excuse of not actually having to sit in the congregation by myself because I can hide behind my work on Sundays. In some ways, this is a plus because it helps me protect my heart on those days when I’m really struggling. On the other hand, I know I’m missing out on actually spending time in worship and really paying attention to what God might have for me in the message, which is hugely bad and has definitely impacted me spiritually.

So many of the challenges I face really do land on me, though. When I allow my introvertedness (let’s just make that a word, ok?) to win out, I just make things worse for myself and it communicates to others that I’m not interested in pursuing relationship with them (which is completely untrue!). I don’t have a spouse to help pull me out of my shell (or the house), or even protect me from feeling lonely and “other”, so I have to do that for myself. That’s definitely a challenge because the easy thing to do is hide. I need to constantly be on guard and force myself to reach out to others, even when I worry I might be intruding on their family time or responsibilities. 

LN: How can your friends and/or your church do a better job of loving you in the season you are in? 

AI: Again, Joy Beth hit the nail on the head on this one! We need our married friends to invite us into their lives and into their families. Getting to have a relationship with other people’s kids is huge for me because I’ve always wanted my own and that hasn’t happened yet. In the past month, I’ve gotten to hold a friend’s son and comfort him when he was sick, sit in a rocking chair and read him a bedtime story, and help their other son with his homework. These are experiences my mother-instinct craves, and being invited into their family’s life from time to time fulfills some of that longing. It’s a gift, and it’s one I definitely cherish. Another friend invited me to her son’s 5^th birthday party, and her husband invited me to have lunch with them on Mother’s Day. I don’t think people realize how big a deal those kinds of things can be!

The other really big thing for me was the way my co-workers celebrated my birthday this year. I wasn’t at all looking forward to it (I honestly never do), but they went out of their way to make me feel so loved all day long. It ended up turning a day I was dreading into one of the best days I’ve had since I moved here. Taking the time to celebrate those of us who don’t get to wake up to breakfast in bed and hand-made cards from our kids speaks so much love over our lives!

As for the Church, it needs to keep moving toward becoming the safest place to talk about all kinds of things. Multi-generational, multi-lifestage groups that look a lot more like the demographic make-up of the Church will go a long way in creating open conversations – and not just about singleness.

Finally, we need more books and Bible studies for women that go way beyond “how to be a good wife and mother”. Women, regardless of their marital status, are so much more, and have the capacity to dig so much deeper into Scripture than they’ve traditionally been empowered to do. Christian literature needs to keep moving in that direction, and authors writing for women need to be careful that they’re not assuming their entire audience is made up of married mothers. I think the more local churches begin to understand what Scripture really teaches about where and how women fit in the Church, the better this will get.

LN: How can unmarried people help their friends and church love them better?

AI: This whole thing is a two-way street. Yes, there are definitely things our friends and the Church can do to help us feel loved and feel that we belong, but we have some responsibility in all of this too. (I’m admittedly not particularly good at any of what I’m about to say, but I’m working on it…)

1. Ask for what you need: No one can read your mind, so no one will know what you need until you tell them. This is a scary first step that comes with the risk of rejection, but if you don’t ask, you can’t receive.

2. Seek out relationships with the potential to run deep: Ask your pastor or other church staff for help finding a mentor. Invite someone you think you might “click” with to lunch and spend some time listening to his or her story. It may take a few tries to find that person with whom you can develop a deeper relationship, but if you don’t try, it will never happen.

3. Keep close to God: Married or unmarried, our most intimate relationship needs to be the one we have with God. He is all-sufficient. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He alone can meet every need we have. Spend time DAILY in Scripture and in good, honest prayer: Remind God of your needs and His promises to meet them. Ask Him to bring a good friend or mentor into your path, and for the bravery to initiate that relationship. Ask Him to align your will and your desires with His (see Psalm 37:4), (and, after you do that, if you still want a spouse, ask for that too).