Last week, the death of ex-British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, had the UK divided about her legacy once more. Depending on the position of the commentator on the political spectrum, this division ranged from “The Woman who Divided a Nation” to “The Woman who Saved Britain.” Further south, in South Africa, the legacy of Nelson Mandela is undergoing a division of a different sort.

Wonkie was quite fascinated by the recent headlines about Madiba appearing in the international press: “Nelson Mandela’s family at war over his millions” and “Madiba money row is painful” to name a couple. It is ironic that a man that has dedicated his life to freedom, has inspired his family to be such dedicated slaves to material wealth.

It is obvious that Mandela’s political legacy will be nowhere as divided as Iron Lady Thatcher’s – at the very least, people will acknowledge that he made a positive contribution to South Africa, even if they may quite rightly debate just how much of a contribution he made. In fact, the poll on Wonkie’s previous post on the topic (see What will happen when Nelson Mandela dies) yielded some interesting results about his forecasted legacy.

Mandela has certainly left his mark on the world. Rightly, or wrongly, he has become a symbol of peace, forgiveness and reconciliation – of stepping up and being a better human being, in the face of those that have wronged you. This is a legacy that South Africans can certainly be proud of. Wonkie imagines that the tacky squabbling over money and his brand between his family and friends will probably serve only to tarnish their names, not his.

What is interesting for Wonkie, is that Madiba is not even dead yet, and already he is being considered to be no more than a brand – like Coca-Cola. Yes, it’s valuable but it’s also not a human being. It can be bought, sold, traded, shared, gambled away or marketed. It generates wealth for many, but it’s not a human being. And it’s not just his family that treat him that way. The South African media do too – besides the rights battle to cover his funeral, the media is gagging at every opportunity to increase sales at his expense. Pretty sad, is it not?

A left-wing anti-Thatcher campaign in the UK last week saw the song Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead from the Wizard of Oz shoot up the charts – it ended all the way up at number 2. Perhaps it would be wise for Nelson Mandela to pick and promote his own theme song before he dies. If he waits too long it may likely end up being Mo Money, Mo Problems by Notorious B.I.G.!

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Have you given any thought to your own legacy? If not, you may want to consider going for some legacy coaching with a professional coach. If you’re still hoping to start your charitable foundation after your unlikely winnings from playing lottery online or at some South African online casino, then you probably need a better plan – you should consider getting a life coach instead!

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Related articles on UK political leaders and Nelson Mandela:

1. UK election cartoon
2. Nelson Mandela news
3. Mandela Day – Does he deserve it?

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South Africa has received a lot of international negative publicity about its violent crime over the last few months. Not surprising, given the Marikana shootings last year, the incident in which the police basically dragged a man to death behind their van, and the recent Oscar Pistorius trial debacle.

While many affected locals were disgruntled with Jacob Zuma’s flippant comments about how wonderfully safe and secure South Africa really is, Wonkie put on its solution-focused hat and decided it was high time for a positive post.To that end, Wonkie’s research team has put together half a dozen innovative ways to manage crime in South Africa:

1. Positive Thinking

Wonkie believes in the power of positive thinking. Life coaches and self help gurus have proven beyond a doubt that when you’re faced with a criminal pointing a gun to your head, all you need to do is to focus your chi (life force) and the bullet will bend away from you and your loved ones before impact. Occasionally this doesn’t work, but that’s entirely your fault because because you weren’t being positive enough.

2. Education

If you’re thinking that improving the education system will contribute to a better qualified work force, reduced unemployment and therefore a lower crime rate, then you’re simply not thinking sufficiently out of the box. Consider how the Matric pass rate, apparently the best indicator of how well the Education department is performing, is manipulated by fiddling with the pass mark annually. A simple application of this principle to manage crime in South Africa is to redefine what actually is a crime and what is not.

For example, imagine how great South African crime statistics would look if we defined death through gun shot or stabbing as death by acute metal allergies, instead of inappropriately calling it murder. Sure, the death by natural causes statistics will go up a touch but at least violent crime will finally be under control.

3. Philosophy

This strategy is one that is already employed by many in government but has not caught on with the general public as yet. If you pretend it doesn’t exist and ignore it, then who’s to say it really does exist? For example, if there’s an ATM bombing in Ventersdorp and there’s nobody there to witness it, did it really happen? Wonkie thinks not.

4. Vigilante Death Squads

Building on the incidents reported about the police force in Kwazulu-Natal and a recent screening of The Expendables, Wonkie thought this innovative solution would be a sure favourite for any victims that have already had a bad experience with crime themselves. Kangaroo Court justice has the added benefit of intense catharsis, which will no doubt leave South Africa a much happier, less stressful place. Wonkie has already contacted Arnold Schwarzenegger and a team of international mercenaries to secure a quote.

5. Threat of Mutual Destruction

A more proactive approach to managing crime is to take it into your own hands. Why not? After all, look how well that whole Cold War thing turned out. Of course this option is not without its disadvantages, particularly if you’re an unarmed toilet door living in a house with a paranoid, gun-toting maniac. A viable alternative if you don’t fancy carrying a semi-automatic assault rifle to bed each night yourself, is to pay off your local police protection racket – that will probably keep you safe for a while.

6. Chicken Style

Common sense dictates that if you and your family can run faster than your criminal attackers (and the bullets they’re shooting at you) then you’ll be just fine. Wonkie researchers determined that nothing is quite as fast as an aeroplane out of the country. Emigration remains is a popular choice for many.

If you read this article hoping you would get some tips on how to better manage your own crime business in South Africa, then Wonkie suggests you immediately call 08600 10 111. Please provide details about your operation while on the phone and a helicopter will come to provide you personal attention to resolve your challenges.

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Related articles about corruption and crime in South Africa:

1. Crime, what crime?
2. Corruption in South Africa
3. Julius Malema corruption charges

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While the rest of the world continued gasping in horror at tasteless Oscar Pistorius jokes, Wonkie went deep undercover to discover the Whole Truth behind the dodgy meat scandals around the world. After a week of in-depth investigation costing billions of Zimbabwe dollars, Wonkie is finally confident to present its exclusive findings in this breaking news expose.

Wonkie’s team first noticed something fishy about the meat scandal when Swedish ready-to-assemble furniture retailer IKEA was reported to be distributing horse meat through its meatballs. If consumers can’t trust meatballs coming from a reputable cheap furniture company, Wonkie realised that something deeply underhanded was going on… something way beyond anything an ordinary human could think up.

When the IKEA meatballs were traced back to their slaughterhouse supplier in Poland, Wonkie’s hunch was all but verified. A few interrogations in a barn just outside of Warsaw, revealed the dark, Whole Truth. Human consumers had inadvertently stumbled onto the workings of the international Animal Mafia… the infamous Cowsa Nostra.

Wonkie followed the long trail back to a moose in an East-African zoo who, on condition of anonymity, spilt the proverbial GMO beans. The moose had been incarcerated by the ASPCH (Animal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Humans) for its role in engineering the violence in the 2007 Kenyan elections. There, Wonkie learnt about the international turf wars between the cows, pigs, tuna and donkeys which have spanned centuries. It turns out humans have been eating mislabelled food for decades now.

The Cowsa Nostra was using abattoirs as a means to dispose of anything from horse snitches and unfaithful aardvarks to peeping-tom giraffes.

“Trust me, you’re lucky you’ve only tested for donkey meat and water buffalo DNA in that boerewors you eat in South Africa,” said the moose. “I think you’d all go instantly vegan if you knew what else was in there…”

Wonkie asked the moose about the repercussions of the current findings: “So given this expose, how will things change? Will the Cowsa Nostra find a new way to dispose of animals that they’ve taken care of?”

“Ha!” replied the moose. “We have utmost faith that humans will simply forget the issue after a few weeks of sensationalist publicity.”

“And… if they don’t?” asked Wonkie.

“Well, we had already thought of that contingency years ago – we’ve built our own BBBEE certified DNA testing facilities that will “win” any government consumer protection body tender,” said the moose smugly. “I doubt it would come to that though – it’s like George Bush, Julius Malema or any other dodgy politician, everyone gets their knickers in a twist when they choke on a pretzel, but after a few weeks it never matters. Humans are a generally a boring bunch with convenient conviction – all talk and no action. They whine incessantly but when it comes time to take action, they rarely have the Swedish meatballs to do anything…”

In other news, South Africa stayed on top of its national goal of having at least one violent atrocity being reported internationally each week. The latest award goes to the the local police who publicly dragged a man to death, having tied him behind a police van. When Wonkie asked the moose to comment, he replied: “It’s a bit of a primitive technique, but hey – we all can’t be animals right?”

Wonkie looks forward to reading your opinions on the mislabelled meat saga. Are you OK with eating horse meat and donkey? How about giraffe, or water buffalo? Especially let Wonkie know if you’re whining about your meatballs and are actually going to do something about it!

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If the thought of gobbling down a yummy donkey steak is quite off-putting, perhaps now would be a good time to either go vegetarian or click here to buy lotto tickets online and hope to win enough to build your own organic animal farm.

Wonkie’s investigation into the Cowsa Nostra revealed no links between the underground organisation and any of the institutions listed in the comprehensive Wonkie online casino South Africa directory. Readers wanting to explore more international options, can visit this excellent page or this Indian gambling website instead. Just remember though, what happens to donkeys that don’t know when to stop gambling!

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Related Wonkie articles involving donkeys and other animals:

1. Human Rights for Drug Mules
2. ANC leadership race
3. Rhino poaching South Africa

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In true tabloid form, the South African media have all but crucified Oscar Pistorius since last week’s Valentine’s day incident. For those of you awaking from hibernation, bladerunner and Paralympic gold medalist Oscar Pistorius is currently on trial for shooting his lovely girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp on the 14th February 2013.

As per the usual slack news reporting standards, there have been unverified reports of abusive behaviour from Oscar in relationships, a screaming match on the night of the murder, rumours of a love triangle with Springbok rugby player Francois Hougaard, to mention but a few of the Bold & Beautiful tidbits. Needless to say that the South African public happily gobbles it all up – after all, in the absence of Julius Malema from the news, they have been somewhat starved of sensationalist headlines recently.

By the looks of it, Wonkie reckons Oscar Pistorius, who going forward will probably be called gun-runner instead of bladerunner will likely get off on some technicality. For one thing, Hilton Botha, the investigating officer himself has several charges of attempted murder pending against him (welcome to South Africa). Botha allegedly checked out the scene of the crime without any of the cool protective gear we see on CSI, ensuring there is plenty contamination of the evidence. His story also appears to be changing as often as Paris Hilton’s underwear (and no, before you ask – they are not related).

Since the facts appear to matter only marginally in much of the South African justice system, Wonkie thought it would get a head start on the speculative conclusions. To this end Wonkie interviewed a cross-section of the public to get their views:

Jacob Zuma’s expert legal team who famously made dozens of corruption charges magically disappear commented that clearly this was a case of self-defense:

“How was Oscar Pistorius to know that it wasn’t a hijacker, or deadly assassin behind that toilet door? He weighed the odds in light of the stupidly high crime rate in South Africa and decided he had no choice but to shoot to defend himself. Unfortunately for Reeva Steenkamp, she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and the four warning shots he fired all hit her.”

They went on to insist that the prosecution would be better off arresting the toilet door for conspiracy to murder – after all, it is clearly at fault for obstructing Oscar’s view.

Cecil the Psychopath offered an interesting theory: “Well, Oscar probably just intended to get her hundreds of flowers for Valentine’s Day… and just thought a little bit too much out of the box when it came to getting them delivered.”

Mo the Mob Boss simply sighed and said: “You know, someone musta told him to take his girlfriend out on the Valentine’s Day, and I guess he misunderstood. You know, these things happen sometimes. Sad, very sad.”

In a rare interview post asset-sequestration, Julius the Malema said: “Eh yes, I want to go to the Oscars, but SARS is gunning for me at the moment.”

If one does venture to look at the facts, one could easily establish that Oscar is guilty of something. If it’s not pre-meditated murder, then he is certainly guilty of stupidity. If Oscar is not a model prisoner in jail after all this, then he can certainly model as the poster boy for Gun Control in South Africa and abroad. It is precisely for reasons like this that paranoid idiots should not be given gun licenses.

Wonkie is keen to read your theories about whether Oscar is guilty of murder or not, or if you have a complete lack of empathy then feel free to share your Oscar Pistorius jokes in the comments section below.

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Despite the amazing statistics from Statistics South Africa, crime in South Africa appears to be getting worse and worse in South Africa. If you’ve had enough of it, perhaps now would be a good time to click here to buy a lottery ticket online, or if you’re into more high-flying options, visit Wonkie’s online casino in South Africa directory instead. If you’re based in India or abroad then check out this great website or this updated guide to gamble online for real money USA today – there are some excellent pages to help you through the process. In any case, you can’t be in as risky a place as Oscar Pistorius is in right now!

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Related articles on Oscar Pistorius and crime in South Africa:

1. Oscar Pistorius jokes
2. Crime in South Africa

Wonkie thought it would be entertaining to provide the latest news this week in the context of the most important day of the year. Of course, if you’re thinking Wonkie is referring to the South African 2013 State of the Nation address that President Zuma will be delivering today, you’d be sadly mistaken. Political promises may come and go but Valentine’s Day is forever.

Given that Valentine’s Day is typically discriminatory against many, and that Wonkie strives to be socially inclusive, today’s Valentine’s post will look at some unusual ways to celebrate the day. So whether you’re a psychopath with limited social skills, the Pope, an animal rights activist, or violently opposed to the National Rifle Association in America, read on to learn how you too can take glee in twee.

1. For those that have limited EQ, or are deranged psychopaths, expressing emotions may be quite challenging… particularly on 14th February. For you, Wonkie’s think tank has come up with the perfect solution that’s both practical and quite easily spun as being romantic. What better way to express the till death do us part sentiment than pre-purchasing side by side “his and hers” graves. You will no doubt get bonus points for originality.

2. If you’re single and hopelessly romantic, this year would be a good year to go to the nearest hospital and put your name down as an organ donor for some heart transplant patient in the future. Given the high demand for hearts, you will surely be able to specify the gender, hair colour and body type of who you will be giving your heart to… needless to say he/ she will literally not be able to live without you… now how romantic is that?

3. If you have a nasty streak that prevents you from properly celebrating Valentine’s day, why not go out and befriend a cute divorce lawyer. Then get 250 postcards, write “Mmmmm… Thanks for the most amazing time last weekend honey – again soon?” and drop them off together in the richest suburb you can find.

4. If you’re an anti-establishment animal rights activist, fight the system and adopt a pet from your nearest shelter as a Valentine’s gift that you’ll never stop loving for yourself. In the interests of animal welfare, let it be said that Wonkie is in no way encouraging any dubious activity with adopted sheep for our Australian readers.

5. If you’re a save-the-earth type that wouldn’t normally give Valentine’s Day a second glance, why not take the opportunity to make a real difference this year. Start a campaign for cruelty against red roses. You could gather a team, picket outside the flower market, and poke people that are buying roses with sharp thorns in solidarity with our flowery brothers and sisters.

6. If you’re violently fighting for gun control in the US, or perhaps you’re disturbed that paralympic medalist Oscar Pistorius allegedly shot his girlfriend in the head this morning, then today might be a good day to arm yourself with a (toy) crossbow and shoot everyone buying guns or working at the NRA with (Cupid’s love) arrow. Needless to say you should be chanting “Make love, not war” while doing so. Past experience has suggested that you wear a flak jacket for your own safety.

7. For those of you who feel excluded simply because you’re single, why not sign up to an internet dating site with an anonymous profile and send as many people as you can a (non-creepy!) little secret admirer message as a random act of kindness. It can be somewhat of an irritating time of year if you’re alone and what nicer way to celebrate the spirit of the day than to bring a smile to someone else’s face!

On a more serious note, Wonkie wishes the Pope a happy retirement and all the very best to him for the years ahead, and to you on this Happy Valentine’s Day. Have fun!

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If you’re based in India, you’re probably thankful that Shiv Sena’s Bal Thakaray passed on last year, after the commotion his political party caused about Valentines Day in India a few years back. Why not click here to keep entertained instead if you’re still afraid of going out with a single girl tonight on the streets of Mumbai!

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Related articles on Valentine’s Day and the Pope:

1. Pope news
2. Catholic family planning
3. Jacob Zuma – State of the Nation’s Valentine

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Whether it’s Barack Obama leading the USA over the fiscal cliff or Julius Malema leading the youth of South Africa astray, the alpha dogs of politics obviously play an important role in shaping the future of a country.

Recently many questions have been posed about both the value and the values of political leaders. Just last week, ex-Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi pitched up uninvited at a commemoration ceremony of Nazi Holocaust victims and made a comment favouring Mussolini. In the USA, John Kerry who bored the world with his presidential campaign against Pretzel Bush has now taken over from Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State.

Perhaps Kerry’s sedative manner can finally help resolve some of the conflict in the Middle East. In Egypt, clashes between opponents of the country’s current Islamist regime and security forces spiraled out of control leading to dozens more dead. President Muhammad Morsi urged to kick off a “national dialogue”.

Moving to Asia, it recently came to light that about a third of Indian members of parliament are facing criminal charges ranging from corruption and fraud to murder. This month, the Singaporean ruling party suffered an uncharacteristic defeat in their local by-election. Rumour has it that they are currently consulting with President Jacob Zuma of South Africa about how they might best reach their target of 30% population growth by 2030.

Interestingly enough, googling Jacob Zuma news this week reveals a rather telling story about the brand of South African leadership. Instead of results about foreign policy or the plan of attack against rampant crime and unemployment the BBC’s top listing reads “South Africa’s Jacob Zuma in dog ownership row“. This follows the rather clever comment Mr Zuma made about ‘owning dogs as pets’ as not being a black thing late last year.

South Africans are also no doubt missing their beloved youth leader Juju, Julius Malema who has been completely sidelined by both the ANC and the media recently. Statistix South Africa reported a massive increase in clinical depression as the small percentage of employed people in the country found themselves grasping at straws when looking for new conversation topics around the water-cooler.

In honour of world leaders, Wonkie decided it would be appropriate to have this follow the leader photo caption challenge this week. As with all the photo caption contest posts, readers are welcome to submit more than one caption but are requested to PLEASE submit all their entries in ONE comment (you can number them within your comment).

The funniest responder to this week’s challenge will win a new design Wonkie t-shirt… Wonkie looks forward to checking out your clever caption entries!

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The Follow the Leader photo caption challenge ends on Monday, 11th February 2013, after which the winning entry will be published online and the t-shirt prize awarded… so put on your thinking caps and enjoy the week ahead!

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If you’re regretting not being an alpha dog in politics yourself, now would be a good time for you to play lottery online in South Africa or visit this site instead if you’re based in India – the current ones in the US are running over US$175 Million which will be more than enough to fund any political campaign! For more of an adrenaline rush you can also check out Wonkie’s updated South African online casino page or this excellent website for more options.

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In South Africa last week, First National Bank’s (FNB) newly launched ad campaign was the subject of much freedom of speech controversy. The campaign featured South African school children reading out their hopes for the future of the country. Interestingly enough, the controversy was evident entirely within the ranks of the ANC, ANCYL and SACP. The rest of the South African public barely blinked an eyelid.

While the public was thinking: “Oh that’s so sweet, even the children have something to say about our future,” the ANC, ANCYL and SACP were frothing at the mouth with conspiracy theories about a possible plot to overthrow the government. Their immediate reaction was to call FNB irresponsible for their devious attempt to stimulate what Wonkie calls a Zuma Spring (like the Arab Spring, but in South Africa. This is not to be confused with the Zuma Offspring of which there are plenty).

So is there some subversive intention by FNB here, or is it simply the case that the truth hurts for the ANC? Wonkie takes a closer look at some of the controversy:

“The country is being overrun by poverty… while Jacob Zuma is renovating his home” – KZN tertiary student

Objectively, the quote above is absolutely true and verifiable. Even the slowest member of the ANC on a bad day cannot deny it. So clearly the issue is not that this statement is slanderous. It is either a case of sour grapes that the statement has been publicised, or that these facts are glaringly obvious to even young children.

“… politicians tend to be the most destructive and eruptive aspect of our country… We need motives and a clear vision… we must not depend on our leaders. Each person must become their own hero.” – KZN High School student

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Yes, according to the South African Constitution, even non-ANC members and children can have one – Wonkie checked. There were a number of such expressions of discontent with government leadership and corruption. But should these kids be reprimanded because they are disrespectful of elders? Nelson Mandela was also very naughty when he spoke out against his elders.

“The government is only thinking for themselves… I’m from a rural area and the government doesn’t see what’s happening.” – Gauteng tertiary student

The irony of these statements is that the ANC itself was probably the most likely to make equivalent comments about the previous regime. They would, of course, have been labelled brave freedom fighters amongst themselves (and terrorists by the apartheid government). Isn’t it funny how the tables have turned?

The question is if even children are smart enough to figure out the level of incompetence in government, why does the ANC do nothing about it? Angie Motshekga, for example, is still happily floundering around in the education department after the disgusting Limpopo textbook saga that would have seen her sacked in any country with decent internal governance.

Perhaps it’s time for the ANC to take a step back and evaluate the validity of the statements being made instead of shooting the messenger. Assuming they were unscripted, which FNB claims they were, the messages should be hammering alarm bells for the ANC leadership.

Instead of being defensive, it would be smarter for the ANC to figure out how they’re going to win over their future voters. Clearly, the young’uns already know that the ANC gravy train is almost full capacity and want a real alternative for a better future.

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If all this talk about corruption in South Africa sickens you, now might be a good time to exercise some positive thinking, pick some lucky numbers and play lotto online here. That way if you don’t score big on the next tender, at least you have a backup plan.

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Related articles on freedom of speech in South Africa, corruption and the ANC:

1. ANC news
2. Zapiro, SABC and Freedom of Speech in South Africa
3. Free Press South Africa

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As hoards of hopeful matric graduates queue outside South African universities this week, Wonkie thought it appropriate to start off 2013 with an article celebrating the phenomenal success of the ANC education department strategy.

The matric pass rate in 2012 was a staggering 73.9%. It has been increasing year-on-year since 2009 when the national pass rate was only 60.6%. Wonkie interviewed some 2012 matric students to gauge their reaction:

“The ANC is doing an amazing job with the education department,” said Johannes Poggenpoel, an enthusiastic 2012 graduate of the Gauteng education system.

“At the current growth rate, they will be easily looking at achieving like a 160% matric pass rate by 2018. I really, really pray Angie Motshekga stays on as education minister forever… she’s simply the best!”

But credit cannot go to Angie Motshekga alone. There was no doubt a significant team effort with DG Bobby Soobrayan, the rest of the education department and even Blade Nzimande, the minister of higher education all making significant contributions.

Since Wonkie is sometimes accused of being too negative, Wonkie decided it was high time to analyse and praise one of the ANC’s greatest success stories since taking power in 1994. Some in-depth investigative journalism actually revealed very little about the ANC education strategy. Trevor Manuel and Collins Chabane, the chaps irresponsible for planning and measurement against the government agenda were unavailable for comment. Rumour has it that they were busy strategising on the ANC 300 year plan, the first draft of which is rapidly approaching its March, 2040 deadline.

Not to disappoint readers, Wonkie commissioned its own think tank to reverse engineer the department of education’s winning formula. First, Wonkie determined the key variables in play and what the sensible measures of success might be (Wonkie expects that this is what Trevor and Collins spent the last 3 years working on although nobody can really be sure since it’s a well-kept ANC secret). These were the results Wonkie’s think tank came up with:

1. Education Department: Strategic Variables
• Public mindset and attitudes about education
• Schooling infrastructure
• Teacher capabilities and salaries
• Matric subject pass mark
• Volume of material to be examined
• Difficulty of syllabus
2. Education Department: Key Performance Indicators
• Ability to get jobs after graduation
• Ability to cope with tertiary education
• Teacher morale
• Student discipline and attendance
• Textbook delivery
• National matric pass rate

Then, following what appears to be standard protocol within ANC government departments, Wonkie’s think tank took about 28% of the annual department budget and awarded a tender to the most incompetent of 3 submissions from BEE companies. In our case, McKintinsey & Co Strategy Constuntants were awarded the education strategy tender.

The constuntants (sic) squirreled away for days and a few hundred million Rand later, came up with the following consulting report which was amazingly consistent what happened in the education department last year (click on the image to view the summary report):

Click image to view the ANC strategy report in full size!

Wonkie is still trying to determine whose cunning idea it was to not deliver textbooks for an entire province until almost the end of the school year. Sources within the education department have hinted that in 2013, many textbooks will be withheld nationwide following the successful pilot in Limpopo last year.

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Matric graduates may be alarmed to discover that scraping through on 31% makes it rather difficult to secure that investment banking position they’ve always wanted. If you fall into that bucket, have no fear – help is near. The national ANC job creation strategy is sure to have you working in no time. If you aren’t one of the 18 jobless people affected by that strategy, then you can always try your luck and play lottery online or click here instead if you’ve decided to relocate to India.

It doesn’t take getting 20% for mathematics to realise that winning a lottery is a long shot. More adventurous people who feel the laws of maths and statistics (which say in the long run you won’t win!) don’t apply to them, should check out these online casinos in India or some of the top online casinos in South Africa to exercise their own brand of statistics.

Seriously for a moment though, those matriculants whose results will not carry them through into either tertiary education, or a job may well want to consider entrepreneurship as a constructive way forward. If you’re going to gamble, then the only smart option is to take a chance on yourself.

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Related articles on education in South Africa and the 2012 matric results:

1. The amazing Matric pass rate of South Africa
2. Education in South Africa
3. Outcome based education
4. Julius Malema matric results

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Doomsday-mongers, dodgy astrologists, Mayan descendents, and reborn Christians all over the world found themselves in a mad build-up frenzy this week. The build-up, of course, is to the current deadline of 21st December 2012 – the much-anticipated end of the world. That’s tomorrow for those of you who have just woken up from a seven year coma.

With so many half-truths floating about the world’s toilet bowl, Wonkie decided to investigate deeper to provide readers with The Whole Truth. Read on to discover the facts about planetary alignment, Mayan prophecy, predictions about the future, what you should be doing to prepare for the end of the world, and more.

After spending several intense weeks in Brazil investigating the Mayan culture, Wonkie researchers unfortunately concluded that Rio was not the hub of the Mayan empire. In fact, that claim to fame lay on another continent altogether. Wonkie, together with a small team from NASA, then made their way north to Cancun, Mexico. There things started to get interesting.

It was there that the End of Days research team experienced its first ominous omen. It was much like the mysterious illnesses the initial tomb explorers in Egypt were inflicted with. It later turned out that it was just a really bad case of the runs from some suspect Mexican burritos. Nevertheless, the whole scene did help build up the anticipation that we were close to some epic discovery.

As luck would have it, our research journey led us to some ancient Mayan texts soon after – texts that explained everything. It really is amazing what one can buy from those stinky sombrero-laden salesmen traipsing up and down the beach all day if one knows what to ask for. A few bottles of tequila and a close attack from a Peta worms-rights activist later, the team had a shocking, complete Mayan translation in hand.

For those not in the know, the Maya that Wonkie is talking about is not Maya the Bee. It is a Mesoamerican civilization renowned for its architecture and strikingly accurate mathematical and astronomical systems. Mayans were around from about 2600 BC and were the creators of the only known written language in the pre-Columbian Americas. There is no known relationship between the Maya and the bee.

In any case, the translated tablets were apparently etched by a young boy named Atapaca Uximal in some ancient creative writing class back in the good ol’ early days of the Mesoamerican Long Count Calender (around 2400 BC). It turns out that Atapaca had quite the knack of mixing fact and fiction and later developed into one of the foremost Mayan movie producers of his era. Bored with the usual predictions of mass spiritual enlightenment at the end of the Mayan Epoch prevalent at that time, Atapaca wrote an essay on the end of the world instead. It took the Mayan culture by storm.

Atapaca later produced the highest grossing hit movie in the pre-Columbian era based on his initial 2012 end of the world essay. This movie of course was rather poorly remade recently in a tacky attempt to reproduce some ancient cinematic genius. As is the case with many a good story, the lines between paranoia and prediction became quite blurred over time. Random facts like some arbitrary planetary alignment were attached with significance mostly by forward-thinking Mayan marketing gurus who saw the opportunity for their great-great-great(x20)-grandchildren to sell end-of-world survival kits. The rest, as they say, we’ll find out tomorrow.

The revelations in these historic Mayan tablets led the Wonkie research team to generate some interesting and relevant insights:

1. People will believe just about anything given enough time and marketing resources;
2. Planets are always aligning in some way or other, predicting which alignments are significant and in which ways is like trying to count sand on the beach – it’s human nature to try, but it will likely be a pretty pointless adventure;
3. If you sell stuff to avert something nasty happening in the future, then unless you’re a complete moron, chances are you will probably become very, very rich;
4. The smartest people accept that they don’t know what’s going to happen in the future and make the most out of the situation at hand. So if you’re throwing a massive end-of-world party and celebrating the moment regardless of what tomorrow brings, Wonkie is very proud to know you!

UPDATE: Thanks to those of you who voted for Wonkie Cartoons in the recent SA 2012 Blog Awards. Since the the world did not end on 21 Dec 2012, Wonkie will happily celebrate its runner up positions in the Most Entertaining Blog and Best Politics Blog categories in 2012… Thank you again!

On possibly Wonkie’s final note, Wonkie wishes all survivors of 21 December 2012 the very best for Christmas and the New Year. May 2013 be filled with less international financial chaos, more of president Zuma’s children, increased spiritual enlightenment, and many, many more laughs!

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If you’re glad that Zuma has not been ousted in Mangaung, and are confident that the world will not end tomorrow, perhaps this is a good time to push your luck and gamble online in South Africa or click here if you’re based in India instead. You can also check out the best Christmas online casinos in South Africa offers right here on Wonkie.

If you’re less adventurous and still feeling lucky, why not take this opportunity to buy lottery tickets online here or check out the latest end-of-world lotto jackpots on this excellent new play lottery online portal. End the year 2012 with a bang, if not the entire world!

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Related articles on Mayan prophecy, the end of the world in 2012, and Christmas:

1. 2012 End of the World
2. Peace on Earth Cartoon
3. Mayan prophecy

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It’s that time of the year again when most people are in a cheery mood, full of alcohol, or both. Christmas is around the corner and you’re all geared up for some much-needed retail therapy. 2012 has proven to be a challenging year on many counts and to help you celebrate its end, Wonkie has put together some clever ways you can blast through your Christmas Bonus this December.

Sure, you could be boring and squirrel away the extra dough into your mortgage or kid’s education fund. But what’s the fun in that when you could exercise one of the more interesting options below instead:

1. Go to Europe and make an appointment with the Greek Finance Minister. Say that you’d like to do your bit to help fund their bailout and proceed to sign over your full Christmas bonus. Of course, you should ensure that CNN and the BBC are present at the meeting so you can capture the moment and use it in your nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize in 2013.

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2. Visit SANRAL and furiously negotiate to sign over your 13th cheque as lifetime e-toll payments in advance for all Gauteng motorists. In the unlikely event that they refuse your generosity, file a case with Amnesty International and claim that your human right to use freeways have been grossly violated.

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3. Donate your entire Christmas bonus to a lost cause. No, Wonkie is not talking about the Global Cooling NGO or the International Save the Taliban Foundation. Wonkie is thinking more along the lines of buying Microsoft shares in the wake of the latest Apple market share results.

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4. Throw a massive End Of World Party. Be sure to invite and seat Monica Lewinsky, Hillary Clinton, the Pope and Lady Gaga at the same table. Barack Obama will unfortunately be unable to attend because he’s busy figuring out ways to tax the crap out of Republicans, because he finally can.

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5. Invest in Jacob Zuma’s Nkandla compound (more than you already have with your tax money if you’re South African). Given that Kgalema Motlanthe looks like he’s seriously constipated everytime he’s been on TV recently it’s very likely that you’ll be buying a share in the future of South Africa in Jacob Zuma (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

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6. Use your Christmas bonus to secure a senior government post in South Africa. Clem Sunter has apparently worked out that ‘investing’ your way into a government position yields better annuity income than any investment product in the market. Talk about making money while you sleep!

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7. Self-publish a book and leave a useful legacy. Write on a practical topic – e.g. on the lost art form of weaving nostril hair into jerseys in Malawi. Be sure to send a copy of the book to Ellen Degeneris along with a sample jersey… the world will be your oyster after that.

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8. Spend all of it buying tickets for the El Gordo de Navidad lottery in the hope of winning big and starting your own African country. In case you haven’t heard, the prizes for this annual Spanish lotto total over a Billion Euros – play lottery online here!

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9. Of course, if you believe you’re above statistics, house odds and common sense then try your luck at one of the many South African online casino options instead. Alternatively click here for a more structured approach to gambling online. If you’re going to throw away money, make sure you have fun doing it… the least you can do is pretend you’re James Bond whilst playing!

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10. Finally, since Christmas is a time of giving, why not use your bonus to deliver a random act of kindness. No, Wonkie is not suggesting you go all Angelina Jolie and adopt a needy child from Rwanda. Perhaps something more practical like walking into a police station and offering “lunch money” to someone to accidentally misplace a few hundred traffic fines.

As Wonkie prepares for its final post of this year next week, and if the Mayans have their way, its final post of all time, Wonkie wishes those of you who are travelling a safe journey. And please remember what Jub Jub says: DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!

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If you’re based in the USA and are afraid Obama’s new plans on taxing the rich will adversely affect you, perhaps now would be a good time to visit gamble online USA to make even more so it wouldn’t matter! Alternatively, click here for online gambling options if you’re based in India.

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Related articles on Christmas, Nkandla and Gauteng toll fees:

1. Merry Christmas – Peace on Earth Cartoon
2. Gauteng e-toll news
3. Zuma Nkandla upgrade
4. Will the World End in 2012?

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