Many Wonkie readers would agree that good customer service is a rare find in South Africa. On a recent trip to New York, Wonkie discovered that the traditional unfriendly grumpiness of everyone from airport staff to fast food dispensers is far from being just a South African joy. In fact, there appears to be a worldwide conspiracy. There is a trade union of sorts which determines with some rigour how low service levels must be maintained.

This trade union is a mysterious one. Nobody pays any dues but members seem to be fiercely loyal to the code of conduct. After deeper investigation, Wonkie discovered some of the union rules and the inspiring reasons behind them:

1. Use as few words as possible as this conserves energy. For example, instead of How may I help you? say What you want? Using fewer words means less energy is spent speaking and less greenhouse gases are being emitted;

2. Frowning uses dozens of facial muscles and smiling takes much fewer. So do neither of those and instead stare blankly at the customer. This will help reduce wrinkles on your face as you grow older. This rule does not apply when your boss is watching – regardless of whether they are a member of the union or not;

3. Limit interaction with customers. This will minimise a potential cause of anxiety which may lead to the need for expensive anti-depressants;

4. Move slowly. Fast action increases your contribution to global warming so do it for the children;

5. Act like you’re doing the customer a favour by serving them because you are. If you were not there to do this favour, they would be running around lost in the train station or dying of starvation;

6. Complete as many of your personal conversations and gossip sessions during working hours. This saves communication bandwidth after hours which is important in case there is a terrorist attack and you need to use your phone, for example;

7. Gather around the cashier/ till area and snigger in small groups. The additional energy generated by the small gathering keeps the cash machine warm and ensures that it calculates the bill correctly;

8. Take your time delivering the bill. This shows customers that you don’t want them to leave and will result in you getting big tips;

9. Grunt disapprovingly if anybody asks you for information. You should do this regardless of whether it’s your job to answer that type of question or not. This grunting interaction acknowledges the customer’s need at a very deep, subconscious, primal level and will immediately reassure the customer that you know their question is important. The Harvard research confirming this hypothesis is pending; and

10. Don’t display anything but the most basic knowledge about the products you sell. Your sacrifice will encourage customers to do their own research online and give them the resources to make their own decisions. Not only are you helping skill your customers, you are also preventing their mental decay by allowing them to exercise their brains.

If you know of any further customer service rules, please feel free to add them in the comments section below.

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1. Please click on the link below – it will open a new window with the SA Blog award categories. The entries for Wonkie will be pre-selected in the relevant categories.

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About a year ago, Wonkie made a strikes in South Africa cartoon with president Jacob Zuma appealing to the masses to remain calm and to give the new government a chance. A year has passed since that literally filthy municipal workers strike and South Africa finds itself in a similar mess of an altogether different magnitude.

Earlier yesterday COSATU, South Africa’s biggest trade union federation called on all of its members to join the 1.3 million government workers that are already striking. This call follows a court injunction obtained by government prohibiting public sector workers from continuing the national strike. The government has already dispatched military medics to over 30 hospitals around the country as a short-term emergency move.

Pay is once again the key driving factor for the nation-wide strike. The unions are demanding an 8.6% increase in wages to which government has responded with an offer of a 7% increase. The unions don’t appear to care that their demanded increase amounts to roughly double the current rate of inflation.

In the meantime, World Cup fever has subsided and the real effect of the transport workers strikes earlier this year is beginning to demonstrate its true damage. Adjusted South African economic growth this year is predicted to be 2.9% – signficantly short of the estimated 7% a year required to make a significant impact on South Africa’s whopping 25.3% unemployment rate. Finance minister Pravin Gordhan certainly has his work cut out for him.

“Schools are shut, hospitals barricaded and roads blocked.”

… BBC news

In the meantime, the workers that are striking are blocking patients from entering hospitals, and verbally and physically assaulting colleagues that have chosen to continue working. A number of schools across the country have had to be shut down to prevent placing school children at further risk from violent behaviour. Way to lead by example teachers. Wonkie is certain that Mr Zuma is expressing his deepest concern and promising yet another hard line approach to resolving the issue… from somewhere in China.

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On another note, please do support Wonkie by nominating them in the South African blog awards – click on the link below to do this… [UPDATE: the SA Blog awards is now in the voting phase - thank you for your nominations.. Wonkie has been shortlisted for the best political blog and most controversial blog awards...] thanks for your support! Please do use the links above to vote for Wonkie – the public vote counts for a lot at this stage of the News24 process.

Cheers – The Wonkie team

One has to admire US president Barack Obama for steadfastly holding true to American ideals. Not many would be brave enough to even consider allowing a mosque to be built near the ground zero site where the 9/11 terrorist attacks left their mark on the Manhattan landscape. Mr Obama has not only considered it but he has also decided to endorse it.

Mr Obama’s comments on the subject has sparked a national debate in the USA. Is what Mr Obama is doing anti-American? How could he allow something that could likely be construed as a tribute to the very religion whose fundamentalist followers orchestrated the most significant act of terrorism in recent times – and that too against the country he leads? And so what if it is on privately owned land – should the American people not have a say on what happens there?

Wonkie thinks that Mr Obama made the best decision – in fact, he had no real choice but to take the exact decision he did. Commentators in the US and around the world may debate about the (in)sensitivity of the decision, whether it is the right thing to do or not, or even whether Mr Obama is a scholastic idealist lacking the political savvy to make practical, real-life decisions. None of that commentary and rhetoric should really matter when the president of a nation has to make a decision of this sort – at least not if he is worth his salt. Mr Obama’s duty is to uphold the Constitution and protection of all the citizens of the USA.

He has to, by the very nature of his job, be less concerned with public sensitivity on issues and more concerned about protecting the rights of the American public.

Consider for example, that Mr Obama had decided to oppose the building of a mosque near the ground zero site. The scale of that decision would in effect have marginalised followers of Islam in the USA. If a church or synagogue could be built on that very site without opposition, on what real grounds other than pure religious discrimination could Mr Obama oppose the building of a mosque? How American would that be?

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Last week the NPA (National Prosecuting Authority) in South Africa were hopping around with joy having obtained a conviction against Jackie Selebi. Selebi, who was formerly the National Commissioner of the SA Police and head of Interpol had been enjoying a very ’special’ extended leave at the expense of South African taxpayers while his trial dragged on. The cost of the guilty verdict however, is turning out to be more substantial than money.

The prosecution in the case cheerily brokered deals with the self-confessed murderers of Brett Kebble, the mining magnate. In a flash of negotiating brilliance, the NPA managed to let off every man and his donkey in order to get Selebi on corruption charges. These murderers are now free under the legally binding Section 204 deals – they will not be tried, convicted, or spend a single day behind bars – for crimes which in any sane country would be deemed much more serious than corruption.

Of course, the interesting thing is that Selebi’s appeal may still come through in which case South Africans will be blessed with a happy, bouncing Jackie Selebi in addition to the few murderers and drug dealers that have been set free to roam the streets.

So, where is the justice for the South African public with this verdict?

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It’s been a while since Wonkie has unleashed some Friday Fun so today’s photo caption contest is long overdue. With all the recent talk about the ANCYL being above the law, the return of xenophobic violence in South Africa, the ANC threatening to regulate the print media and stifle freedom of the press, birds being affected by the BP oil spill in the Gulf etc, we could all use something fun to get us thinking positively and more creatively.

For those among you who are not email suscribers already, please sign up today – our current MP3 player promotion for email subscribers ends on 31 October 2010.

ALL verified email subscribers stand a chance of winning – so sign up today at absolutely zero cost!

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The winner will be notified on 13th August 2010… enjoy the weekend!

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In case you’ve been too caught up with a case of the post World Cup blues, Wonkie thinks that now is a good time to notice that South African ANCYL hero Julius Malema has been rather quiet over the last couple of months.

Mr Malema is trying to make a strong comeback though. Despite the ANC scrambling around to negotiate out-of-court settlements, Julius expelled Lehlogonolo Masoga from the ANC Youth League earlier this week.

The current episode has its roots in a rebellious uprising against Malema in Makhado, Limpopo a little while back. Reports are that SABC is concerned that if the latest saga is televised by e-TV as a reality show, it may even outrank the popular 7de Laan soapie.

Wonkie is having trouble keeping up with who is battling whom. Will Julius still kill for Zuma? Or are they no longer best mates since the president reprimanded him a couple of months back? Has Malema formally adopted Mugabe as a mentor? Is there a good reason for Julius to spit snot at the ANC top brass and not appear to care about the consequences? What is the deeper message when a politician such as Malema pays no regard to high court rulings?

All this and more… in the next episode. In the meantime, Wonkie looks forward to hearing your thoughts! Please take part in the poll below and leave your opinions in the comments section underneath.

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The 11th of July has passed. The 2010 FIFA World Cup is sadly over as is Wonkie’s brief holiday. The football tournament was successfully hosted for the first time on the African continent and it was done so with style. South Africa has left its mark on the world as being both willing and capable to host the largest of global events. The vuvuzela will quite likely leave its mark on English vocabulary the world over – they were even being blown in full force in Vancouver at the other end of the world while matches were broadcast on a closed-off downtown street there. For many abroad, this event has literally put South Africa on their mental map.

Wonkie hopes that the legacy of the World Cup will be a lasting one for South Africa. The unifying effect of sport was once again clearly demonstrated as it was during the Rugby World Cup tournament in 1995. People of all races enjoying games together – cheering, crying, blowing their plastic trumpets, singing hand-on-heart to national anthems, enjoying the roller-coaster of emotions as the match results unfolded. For those that witnessed any of it first-hand it will certainly be remembered in the once in a lifetime category of experience.

While the softer social benefits are clear, much of the harder economic benefits still needs to be realised. The tournament has cost the country dearly to the tune of an estimated R38 billion. The South African government insists that this is also roughly the value of the economic benefit so the country would break even. South Africa will also benefit from the upgraded transport infrastructure and hopefully not soon-to-be-useless world-class stadiums for years to come.

Interestingly enough, South Africa already optimistically placed its bid for the 2020 Olympics before the 2010 cost-benefit analysis is completed. The question on Wonkie’s mind is not one of capability, but one of sensibility. Hosting world sporting events has great (and hopefully lasting) social benefits but is this the best bang for buck for the majority of South Africans? Perhaps Paul the Octopus who accurately predicted the outcome of 8 out of 8 games all the way through to the final game result can help answer that question with his psychic powers. At this point Wonkie believes most South Africans can use their own psychic powers to easily predict whether any of the ministers in the presidency will actually deliver anything of value in the next year.

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The FIFA 2010 World Cup has certainly been an exciting one so far with a number of upsets including Serbia defeating Germany, Switzerland beating the Spanish and of course South Africa emerging victorious over France last week. Upsets of a different nature altogether however have been caused to both players and fans the world over with the officiating at some of the matches.

Besides a seemingly randomly disallowed goal by USA against Slovenia last week, and numerous dodgy fouls and penalty awards, a couple of serious and blatant errors were made by the Fifa referees and assistant referees during the matches over the weekend. Notably, Super Frankie Lampard’s legitimate goal was disallowed by Uruguayan assistant referee Mauricio Espinosa and match referee Jorge Larrionda. This could quite easily have been avoided had Fifa decided to employ well-established goal-line technology. Instead, both the players and (England!) fans received a raw deal. An unfairly awarded goal that was clearly scored from an offside position by Argentina’s Carlos Tevez later that day caused the entire rhythm and attitude of the Mexican team to alter into an aggressive and negative one from the supremely positive one they had been playing with.

In both cases, the events affected the psychology of the team and had the goals been fairly allowed or disallowed, the remainder of the game could likely have turned out quite differently.

Wonkie believes that the technology is there and it should be used to make the game more fair. Diving and play acting – notably with the Italian and Portuguese teams seems to have risen to Oscar level. This makes for excessive interruptions as players tumble theatrically in the hope of receiving free kicks and penalties – even a feather touch is capable of making some players look like they’ve just been flung head-first down a mountain. The use of replays, although not infallible, certainly could help referees make more informed decisions – just as they do in cricket.

Be sure to vote in our poll below about Fifa technology usage:

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