The Wilderness Exchange Unlimited Blog

The debut of Climb X and my quest for sponsorship

2010-07-09T02:22:53Z

OK… So…Two big things here (I’m so excited right now I can hardly sit still)….OK… here goes:

1. The Wilderness Exchange Unlimited is now a proud retailer of ClimbX climbing paraphernalia. Climb X is a new company. Their niche is well-made gear with low price points to accommodate the climbing proletariat. Industry experts and esteemed analysts are predicting that Climb X is going to dominate the living crap out of the climbing market.

Here’s what we got:

-Climb X THE KINDER – this is a Kid’s climbing shoe. They are darling

-Climb X PILOT – take flight with this stylish yet economical harness

-Climb X GYPSY – this harness will take you where ever your wanderlust desires

-Climb X DOUBLE X – we were going to bring in the “Triple X” too, but decided that it might be a little racy for our clientele

2. I have made it my mission to become Climb X’s first sponsored athlete (those who know me are laughing right now). While this may be an ambitious goal, I don’t feel that it is out of the realm of possibilities. What I may lack in climbing ability, credibility, sex appeal and social skills, I more than make up for in spirit and passion.

Here are a few things I have been doing to ready myself for the life of a sponsored climber:

- Seven pull-ups a day (some people have told me that standing on an exercise ball while doing pull ups is cheating – these people are haters).

- Every morning at about 7:15 am I go into the bathroom and practice my game face and climbing scream for about an hour. In order to monitor my progress I record my screaming on my roommate’s 24 track hi-fi recording system. Then, I go upstairs and blast the recording on our 2,000 watt surround-sound system while I have my morning coffee and do a little yoga. Then, I put on my sweatpants and bike helmet and jog around the neighborhood.

- I enrolled in a variety of high energy dance classes to add a cardio element to my regiment. Unfortunately, these classes became cost prohibitive and I have since resorted to just playing Dance Dance Revolution twice a week.

- I induce vomiting every other night before bed.

- I am saving up to get collagen implants in my forearms.

- To prepare myself for the competitive nature of the pro climbing scene I frequently challenge the neighborhood children to bicycle races. I generally lose these races (mainly because those little cheaters have training wheels), but I see this as training for dealing with the agony of defeat.

((Best game-face yet))

So, with my new game face, training régime, lifestyle changes and upcoming cosmetic procedures, I think it’s realistic to say that sponsorship is all but mine.

Also, I have assured my esteemed colleague Hiro Nakakura that he is welcome to ride my coattails all the way to the top. I am a man of my word, so if Climb X wants me they have to take Hiro too (I am also a man who frequently goes back on his word so….yeah).

In summary, I intend to continue pestering Climb X until they provide me with either a full sponsorship or a restraining order.

Climb on,

Darn Tough socks – changing lives

2010-06-17T03:39:13Z

Let me start by saying that Darn Tough socks really are darn tough…Yeah, it might sound obvious or redundant, but it’s worth clarifying that the name should be taken literally.

Ok, and now the bombshell…..(drum roll)….we just received 500 closeout units, and we are selling them for 40% off.

Crazy, I know.

Two styles – check it:

-Darn Tough HIKE/TREK Merino Wool Micro Crew Cushion

-Darn Tough LIFESTYLE Crew Light

Let’s listen to some testimonials:

“Before I started wearing Darn Tough socks my life was in shambles. I was well over 500 pounds. I was doing my dishes in the bathtub, and my cotton socks stunk so bad they actually broke the washing machine… But now that I have a bunch of new and inexpensive Darn Tough socks my life is much better. I am ripped and tanned from head to toe. I married, not one, but two super models, and Maytag gave me a free washing machine just for being so cool. Thanks Darn Tough!!”

-Jeff Welch

“I wish I was more like Jeff, Jeff is like God, maybe I should get Darn Tough socks”

-Hiro Nakakura

“Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% what kind of socks you wear.”

-Curtis Low

Whipper!!!!!!

2010-06-11T00:10:38Z

This is the somewhat mandatory victory-whip of “Mighty Dog” (5.12c) in Clear Creek Canyon.

Whippers are good for the soul,

Salomon closeouts

2010-06-10T00:15:41Z

Salomon Men’s XT WINGS – closeouts! – Boo-ya! – Holla atchya boi!!

The margin is a bit slimmer and the colors are a bit less bright this time around. Sales forecasters, however, view this as a positive. “X-Games/Autobahn/Black is the” new color (“X-games” is Salomon’s way of saying “orange”). Our top sales analyst (Hiro and Jeff) are predicting that this less foolhardy color will result in a quicker turnover time for these high performing kicks.

Here is what the experts are saying:

“These shoes look like Halloween!! I’m predicting an unmitigated rush for these. We need to start looking at foot traffic control before we have a trampling casualty and a lawsuit on our hands.”

-Jeff Welch

“A real gangsta-like sales associate never runs his mouth
Cuz real gangsta-like sales associate don’t start fights
And sales associates always gotta high cap
Showin’ all his boys how he close ‘em

But real gangsta-like sales associates don’t flex nuts
Cuz real gangsta-like sales associates know they got ‘em”

-Hiro Nakakura

Stay tuned for up to the quarter sales reports,

Who wants inexpensive climbing shoes?

2010-05-18T17:05:35Z

Everybody – that’s who. Deep in the heart of every climber, regardless of socioeconomic standing, lays a savage dirt-bag. Sure, on the exterior we may look like doctors, lawyers, CEOs, CFOs, mechanical engineers with an emphasis in renewable energy, or even sales associates at the WildyX…But don’t be fooled, deep down we’re all smelly, dumpster diving, dine and dashing, VW bus driving, PBR drinking, incomprehensibly froogle hooligans with but one life goal – to climb, as much as humanly possible.

What? I’m I pointing out the obvious? Maybe… Anyway look at these deals on Five Ten Shoes:

Both of these kicks are going for $69! Look at ‘em, just LOOK at ‘em:

Five Ten COYOTE VCS Shoe – Sweet all around shoe! Perfect for beginners, all-day routes, or as a “beater shoe” for addicts who can’t bear to wear their “good shoes” on anything less than 5.16.
Five Ten Women’s GAMBIT Shoe – amazing shoe, in addition to being a great all-day shoe (and beyond amazing on slabs), this shoe hides a little known secret: It is probably the BEST shoe for thin cracks on the market (actually, it’s discontinued). Seriously though, size it to fit comfy and Coin Crack will be yours!!…or your money back (we won’t actually give you your money back…but that’s not the point).

Stay strong, and stay dirty (if only at heart),

Much love from Mammut

2010-05-13T19:06:25Z

These are suspiciously good deals…

Here’s my theory: One night Don was looking at numbers and sharpening his pocket knife, debating who should be shived over the frightening figures. Our fearless leader had trouble sleeping that night. He kept tossing and turning, rolling over in his mind all the wows of his business and of the world.

Then all at once his mind shifted, a synapse in his brain that had been blocked for years suddenly became unclogged and his central nervous system was flooded with all kinds of dopamine and serotonin and neat stuff like that. Within seconds our fearless leader knew what had to be done. He jumped out of bed, slapped him self in the face three times fast, blended up some questionable concoction of espresso, yerba mate, and legal amphetamines. He injected this cocktail directly into his eyeball; “game on!” he thought to himself.

Feeling more than excellent now than ever before, our fearless leader whipped out his archaic flip-phone and called Bobbi Bensman (our rep for Mammut, Salomon, and several other less notable companies). Bensman answered; she sounded confused, annoyed, but unmistakably intrigued. Our fearless leader began spiting crazy outdoor industry game to Bobbi at the speed of light. Bensman was surprisingly receptive, “It’s all gonna be OK Don, I’ll be right over.”

Bensman arrived at Don’s plush residence in Boulder about an hour later, as the first rays of sun illuminated our fearless leader pacing frantically in his driveway. Bobbi got out of her car and gave Don a valium and a hug.

Three hours, and four pots of coffee later, action had been taken, deals had been made, orders had been placed and dreams had come true. Our fearless leader felt much better. He took the rest of the day off and slept the sleep of the righteous hustler.

Here are the results of ruthless networking and string pulling:

-Mammut TUSK Superdry 9.8mm 70M Rope – bad-arse rope! It really is. It even has a middle marker. @ 169.95 this may very well be the best value rope anywhere
-Mammut SERENITY 8.9mm X 70M SUPERDRY Rope – pretty skinny alright – and now the price is too!
-Mammut GALAXY DUODESS 10mm X 60m SUPER-DRY Rope – Our fearless leader snagged one of these.
-Mammut ELEMENT KEYLOCK QUICKDRAW SET – super nice draws. $60 for five keylock draws – that’s what dreams are made of.
-Mammut 16mm NYLON SLINGS – these are the old red/white/blue pattern. Climbing with these slings is more patriotic than driving around in an F350 with a lift, eating apple pie, chasing it with Budweiser and shooting guns out the window.
-Mammut 8mm Dyneema Contact Slings – so this one is weird; they are red and they are 120cm, usually the red ones are 180cm – that’s probably why we are selling them for $9.95.

Climb hard and sleep easy,

Late season ski related savings

2010-05-11T17:15:01Z

So I asked our resident backcountry hard-person (Jeff) if ski season was over. He looked at me like a red-headed stepchild who should be beaten more often and said nothing. I took that to mean there is still skiing to be had somewhere up there. I started to ask for more details, but he shot me that stepchild look again and I decided to leave it be.

Deals – crazy deals!!!!!:

Cheap G3 skins!!!

G3 ALPINIST ELLE Climbing Skins (closeouts) – medium and long, both in 130mm -Retail $162.95 our price: 109.95…How do ya like that? You like it pretty well dontchya? Of course you do, of course you do. P.S. you don’t have to be a female to use these skins; you just have to be willing to look cute.

Completely insane, irrational and irresponsible deals on BD skis:

Black Diamond HAVOC (2nds) $299.95!!!!

Black Diamond KILOWATT (2nds) $299.95!!!!!!!!!!!

Below is an example of Jeffy’s hardcore exploits

Awesome, totally awesome,

Metolius offset TCUs – luxury or necessity?

2010-05-06T00:22:58Z

I don’t own any offsets. I have used other people’s. They can be handy, but I’ve always done fine without them. Certainly, they can offer bomber pro where nothing else will truly engage, but I could never justify buying any (then again, I have a hard time justifying buying shampoo). They always struck me as more of a luxury than a necessity (then again, I also see toilet paper as a luxury).

I’ve been climbing in Eldo quite a bit lately. Maybe I’m climbing harder, or just getting older, but I find myself more frequently re-assessing my definition of luxury. Too many times lately, I’ve been run-out above some sideways little jobber, trying to fiddle some squeaky, archaic four-cam-unit into an asymmetric crack. I’ll stand there forever trying to make something work, and almost always, I’ll end up just making a bunch of promises to some higher power, that I have no intention of keeping. Then, I’ll clip my joke of a placement and proceed with some kind of contrived faith. I’ll reach the belay with tears streaming down my face and vow that I’ll never put my self in that situation again. I also vow that as soon as I get back to town I’ll buy a set of offsets and enough toilet paper to last a lifetime…

Sound familiar to anyone? I hope not. But in case it does, here is how we can help:

Metolius ULTRALIGHT OFFSET TCU (Cosmetic Seconds) – at $42.5, dirt bags have no excuse. The trigger wires are slightly shorter than normal – that’s the only reason they are 2nds.

Climb bold, climb hard, and don’t be a cheapskate,

Headlamps are a basic human right

2010-04-22T19:21:12Z

In a perfect world, everyone would have a headlamp. Here at the WildyX, we believe that every man, woman, child, transvestite, transsexual, and geriatric person should own at least one headlamp, regardless of race, creed, orientation, socioeconomic standing, or criminal background.

Sadly, the rest of society doesn’t exactly share this view on headlamps. Change has to start somewhere though, and here at the WildyX, we consider ourselves revolutionaries. For the last 9.5 years, we have been undermining unjust societal norms, and offering deals on outdoor gear that have the Bourgeoisie of our industry sweating bullets.

One day we’ll be out on the street every Sunday morning cooking up a pankake breakfast for the neighborhood, and handing out headlamps to all those in need. But for now this is the best we can do:

Black Diamond GIZMO Headlamp (Closeouts!) – 25% off, it’s not free, but it’s as close as we can get for now.

Stay up,

Chaco sandals and basic economics

2010-04-21T19:25:16Z

Disclaimer:

Any views, opinions and/or beliefs expressed and/or insinuated and/or alluded to, may or may not necessarily reflect those of the Wilderness Exchange Unlimited, Megan Ellis or anyone she knows or has even met.

Chaco!!! With Purty new colors! Behold:

Chaco Women’s ZX/2 – 2 new colors!!

Chaco Women’s Z/2

Chaco Men’s Z/1

Chaco Women’s HIPTHONG

Chaco Men’s HIPTHONG

Chaco Women’s FLIP – 3 new colors

Chaco Men’s FLIP – new green…I love new green

When this season’s first round of Chaco sandals arrived, our staff was overwhelmed with joy. Except for one, the new girl, Megan. Standing there in her worn, but not too worn Z/2s, she mumbled something about the company selling out. I tried to explain some basic economic principals to her. I tried to illustrate how it was in Chaco’s best financial interest to combine with a stronger company, and how they’ve done a fantastic job of maintaining quality. She would hear none of it. She just kept trying to convince me that if everyone could just eat more organic products and get more cardio, a socialist utopia is right around the corner. She used a lot of big words and referenced many things that I did not know about. She intellectually intimidated me. She also kept saying the word “irie”. Then she shifted gears and promptly blew my fragile mind by explaining spatial relationships as they pertain to art and merchandising. I felt dumb and had to walk away from the conversation.

Stay irie, capitalistic, and have a great week!