• Constant connection to Ubisoft servers required
• Saves are saved via their game server
• Game linked to your Ubisoft account

Now, this may not sound terrible, but lets break down each part and give the general complaints for each component:

Connection to game server. Well, for a start, it’s a single player game. Requiring a *constant* internet connection is just retarded to begin with, but then put into account all the people who don’t have stable internet access (those serving overseas, people who still have dial-up), and a bigger problem begins to come into view. Secondly, this method also requires Ubisoft’s servers to stay up for the duration of your gameplay. Ubisoft has already proved themselves incompetent at this task (leaving LEGIT customers unable to play).

Save data saved to server. If you lose connection to the internet before you reach a checkpoint? Have fun losing all your progress since your last checkpoint. Another problem has a appeared via the forums, however, that when the server is online, it still seems incapable of saving your progress properly (leaving people with 4-5 hours of progress going unsaved).

Game key linked to Ubisoft account. Imagine how many people want to return their so far defunct game (due to their dead game servers). Now imagine that none of them can, since the game key is linked to their Ubisoft account. Now, this isn’t exactly a big deal for me since I’m a big-time Steam user (hey look, I actually bought the original Assassin’s Creed), but there are still plenty of people who are pissed about this among other things.

So, pointing out the obvious, what would lead somebody to even want to buy this instead of pirate it? There doesn’t seem to be much motive to spend a fun-sized $60 for a game that doesn’t work when you want it to (or, thus far, ever). So, leading more people towards piracy is an effective DRM? I think not.

Quoting a CrunchGear commenter:

I get that gaming companies are trying to find ways of staying profitable and that they (wrongfully) think that DRM is the answer. I think a better model is the one we saw with Mass Effect 2. Buy the game, get a unique promo code that gives unique content. That way, there’s an incentive for paying for a legit copy rather than a punishment when the DRM goes awry like it always does.

Which is exactly how DRM SHOULD work. Paying customers should be REWARDED for their legal dealings, not punished! However, since companies like Ubisoft and EA are too retarded to use such common logic, I’m willing to work out a deal for companies who insist on putting such restrictive DRM on their games:

If you intend to make a game depend on services from not only my end but YOUR end as well (activation servers, game servers, the like…), I want some sort of guarantee. I refuse to shell out my hard earned money to your company with the risk that you might not hold your end of the deal, leaving me with Gigabytes of expensive, dead code. Here’s the thing though: I make the terms of guarantee. You’ve had your turn to try out DRM, and it’s clearly not working. However, since you seem so inept to realize it’s killing your sales, you’re clearly too inept to come up with an acceptable guarantee.

Here’s the way I see it: The instant my game quits working due to anything DRM related (minor bugs exempt as long as it’s easy and quick to fix), I get my money back. People get their money back when they receive dead hardware, so why shouldn’t I for your nonfunctional game? However, I still get to keep the game, or may continue to play it for a discounted price if a fix is ever released for it. That’s right. Don’t like it? Then don’t offer it, and I won’t buy your shitty DRM’d to fuck game.

I’m not going to put my money out on the line just to have your DRM fail as horribly as AC2’s. If you can’t handle the game data from legitimate customers (or, as Ubisoft likes to conveniently blame, a DDoS attack [in which case you should probably be smart enough to invest in DDoS protection]), then don’t make it required to play the fucking game. Why you would even consider DRM in the first place, considering what happened to Spore!

So, there it is. If you insist on DRM, I insist on a money-back guarantee. You’re not the only one with a say in the matter.

So far I haven’t had any problems with the script. There were minor difficulties setting it up, but that was due mainly to the fact that the creators’ native tongue is obviously German. The data is satisfying, the results are realtime, and so far they appear to be accurate. However, the only thing I find a nuisance about the script is that the creators charge for the script while still asking for donations (e.g. the donation link in their menu). Now, I know they probably put a lot of work into the script, but if you’re charging for the script, I don’t see any reason to attempt to solicit donations from users. Of course, this is probably because of the point I’m now bringing up:

The script’s been released under a GNU license, even with the normal charge for the script. What does this mean? It means that I, or anybody else who has obtained the script, is free to release it to the public as they see fit (so long as they give credit and do so freely; not like I’d sell other peoples’ work though, right?). What does this mean for you? It means you get a cool-ass free script, along with updates, for no charge to you for being such a faithful cool dude and reading my site.

So, without further a due, here’s a direct download link. Feel free to spread the word, and if you really like the script, buy it or donate (but not both! That’s just wrong!)

So, without further ado, here’s my pointless review on “NoobTalk, The Art of Being Noob”

Site Design

Okay, I’ve already pointed out the fact that their layout is a blatant ripoff of Gamespot, but that doesn’t mean the design is clean. It’s easy to find what I need without feeling like the site is cluttered, and, wouldn’t you know it, the site begins to feel like a legitimate site, but we’ll see how well that rounds out once we get to the writing.

However, did I forget to mention how much their logo makes me want to stab someone? Did anybody SERIOUSLY put any effort into it?

“Hur hur if I put glasses on the logo it’ll show the visitors that the writer is a nerd so he knows about games and technology! Oh, here’s another creative idea, lets make the face a talk bubble coming out of the word “talk” like talk is talking! Then lets give it googely eyes to show the writers are silly and zany! Ha ha ha!”

My guess is no, but I digress, considering my own logo (self designed tyvm) isn’t exactly anything clever or special. *cough Yes it is it’s awesome cough*

So, other than those minor nuisances, I don’t find anything wrong with their design (unless you want me to get into how much I hate the layout for any SMF theme in existence…in which case I’m going to avoid reviewing the design of their forum at all.)

The Writing

Ahh yes, now lets poke at the heart of the blog, the writing itself. As is with the case of any website, the author’s writing style can easily make or break the site’s success. Provide insightful, entertaining writing, they will come. Be a biased, full-of-yourself egotistical writer who’s got nothing new to share, and you’ve got the author(s) of Noobtalk. The writing there is so awful that it makes me want to cringe into oblivion so I never have the misfortune of ever coming across anything like it ever again. Let me show you my favorite tidbits of writing that show just how humorous and well-articulated the writers are!

Now for the most important part of the review! The graphics!!!

They’re good.

Haha, you said it was the most important part and then neglected to do any detailed review. Haha. Funny.

Basically the story is about the US screwing the pooch in the first game, only to have it thrown back in their faces – like a circus clown getting a pie in their face. If the pie is a Nuke, and the face is their face AND balls.

Haha, you said balls. That’s funny because people wouldn’t normally say that in real life, but you’re so zany you said it anyway. Congrats on the fantastic metaphor as well.

Really, Mr. Bowling? Why not do a fucking :facepalm:, while you’re at it? You make games for GAMERS – we are your CONSUMERS and you SERVE us.

Since when do they SERVE us? They’re free to release whatever game they want. Someone’s got a swelled ego. And let’s all not forget the “Infinity Ward, I don’t love you anymore” post, which is even going to get its own paragraph!

First off: have you even PLAYED the pc version of Modern Warfare 2, Mr. Oz? Or, are you just jumping on the bandwagon of retards who have never played the game and just assume the game must suck because the PC version is butchered (yes, I agree it’s butchered)? Maybe if you’d actually play the game (like I have), you’d realize that just because you can’t mod the game to make it retarded doesn’t mean it’s not still extremely fun. Second, if you haven’t PLAYED the game, what gives you the right to bitch out Infinity Ward for it? Oh wait, right, bandwagon. My bad! Have fun with your egotistical attitude of how everything Infinity Ward does has to be just for you. You do realize that it’s impossible to make everybody love everything about a game, right? Just because you jumped the bandwagon don’t like something in the game doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. It probably just means you’re ignorant (judging from your posts so far).

Honestly, I’d review some of your other posts, but they’re so pointless I can’t even tell if they mean anything. Seriously, the product placement post gets to no conclusion at all. Nothing new, no major points, nothing. Hell, I could write a post with only the sentence “product placement in games” and it’d be just as useful to any random visitor.

Final Conclusion

This site is a joke of a gaming site. They put the NO in noob.

I brought you home and unpacked you with care; you were my new baby, I wasn’t going to harm you, not even on accident. I pulled you out and saw your reflection in my eye from my reflection off of you. You were well polished, sexy, lightweight, everything I’ve always wanted. I eagerly took you immediately to 3rd base and put your sexy male USB connectors into my PC’s female connectors. We were a perfect fit together, both of us knew that. Sure, my greasy fingers left obvious smudges on your glossy finish, but looks aren’t everything in a relationship, especially our relationship.

But not was all it was meant to be. You just couldn’t let me have it all, could you? Sure, installing a driver to control the lighting is no big deal, but why must you hurt me and make me choose between media player freedom and backlighting control? Perhaps I’d like to use Zune media player while still having the WASD cluster lighting active. Or perhaps I’d like to use foobar with the backlighting turned off. You also forced me into your little box, by bugging when I didn’t have the driver installed. You’d change your lighting and not go back, with my only resort being to installing the driver (you wouldn’t even respond to reboots!).

Then you started failing to deliver on your promises. Your touchpad media keys became unresponsive, leaving me with only my custom hotkeys left. Then your keys began to bug while I was playing my favorite FPS’, leaving me unable to walk left, right, or STOP walking left or right. When I have you coming in through the back, it’s no fun having to plug you back in, mid-action. You also failed on your cluster promise. You forced me to use Shift for brake in racing games, because you couldn’t handle Up, Left, and Down like you said you could. Why did you lie to me, Lycosa? Why did you take our relationship and crash it into the ground?

Oh Razer, I don’t know how much I can trust you anymore. I gave you a chance, and you took advantage of me. How can you prove to me that it’s worth my while to forgive you?

To put it blunt, I give this keyboard a 2/5. Sure, it’s functional, but not completely, and for the $70 price tag that’s way to much to ask for. You’d be better off finding a different keyboard.

Boom, instantly there’s a catch: it’s basically the teacher I was at war with last year (he talked too much, I’d get bored, fall asleep, he’d yell at me, rinse and repeat). I eventually got around that though. Turns out he’s much more tolerable when I don’t have to pay attention to him basically droning on and on and on about absolutely nothing. So, I guess everything will be fine after all.

The real trouble began when I had to start correcting homework for the Social Problems and American Government classes. It’s not that I have anything against correcting in general; it keeps me busy, awake, not sleeping, etc. The real problem is when I get to see the pure genius that are the sophomore to senior level students.

For example, if you had it in the form of a multiple choice question, how many of you would feel confident about knowing how long Supreme Court judges get appointed?
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Show me the answer! ▼

For life!

I swear to god if this poll doesn’t show results better than the American Government class, I will slay you all and give you embarrassing nicknames. I mean, it shouldn’t be too hard, considering ONE out of THIRTY people got that answer correct (and this was crap I knew in about 5th grade people, 5th. fucking. grade.)

If that’s not enough to convince you, check out these pro spelling errors I’ve seen on papers:

“Inteprete” as interpret.

“Nashoin” as nation.

“Goled” as gold.

These errors wouldn’t be so painful to see if I was allowed to mark off points for idiocy like that, but noooo, American Government/Social Problems has no room for checking for correct spelling. God forbid.

Then, I also get to see all the patterns of…erm…”similar” answers. Yes, I think its obvious that most of the students cheat, but the teacher seems convinced otherwise. Oh well, looks like the teacher isn’t worried about churning out a bunch of idiots who can’t seem to remember a few simple facts from a textbook.

Good thing I get to live 1-2 more months of being a teacher aide, getting to see the worst of the worst when it comes to being bad at life in general.

The soft hum of the projector warming up is drowned out by the sound of the students opening their notebooks for the day’s lesson. As the faint image of the day’s PowerPoint slowly comes into focus, a mystery student sneaks his way into the classroom and takes the seat nearest to the door. Despite a few students’ chuckles, the unwelcome visitor receives no attention from the teacher. Perhaps he didn’t notice, or perhaps he doesn’t care. Either way, a majority of the class has just lost their focus. Just then Professor Snape busts through the wall and throws a mysterious bubbling orange liquid on the mystery student.

“Oh no!” shouts the student. “What have you done?” Before he can continue, his flesh begins to peel off revealing a layer of off-white fur beneath it.

“I knew it!” exclaims Snape. “This student is actually a Canadian!” A majority of the class gasps in unison, while the remainder of the students run from the room screaming. The infected student continues his grotesque transformation into a Canadian, revealing 3 sets of sharp, bloodstained teeth, a long spiked tail, a pair of glasses, and a unibrow.

“It’s hideous!” shrieks the teacher as he sprints out of the classroom to vomit. The remainder of the class begins to realize the scope of danger the transformation brings. All but three of them successfully escape before the Canadian blocks the exit.

“I will consume all your souls, much like your mothers last night!” snarls the infected student. The students make an attempt at the wall that Snape busted through, but its blocked by Snape who himself has transformed into a Canadian. Snape and the infected student slowly work their way into trapping the remaining three students into a corner.

“You know what?” queries student 1, carefully studying the room for a possible escape route.

“Your mother?” replies student 2.

“Shut up C-mikes!” says student 3, pushing student 2 into the approaching Canadians.

“You idiot!” exclaims student 1 while the Canadians sink their sharp threatening into C-mikes, infecting him. “Now we have THREE Canadians to worry about!”

“…Oh yeah…”

“OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAH” shouts the Kool-Aid man as he too busts through a wall.

“Wha-…who the piss are you?” shouts student 1.

“The game.”

“What?”

“You just lost it.”

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

While I did find my pc quite sufficient for handling the game on the highest settings, I found the keyboard quite unacceptable. Why?

1. Couldn’t change music in-game since Microsoft neglected to add next/previous buttons to their MEDIA keyboard
2. The connection for it sucked, causing some inputs to either go undetected, or simply act as a stuck key since the kill signal wouldn’t go through (which is more annoying than you think. Ever get stuck going left at top speed in Burnout? It’s not a pretty sight).

So, I had absolutely no choice but to go to best buy and pick up a Razer Lycosa for $79 (I might have died otherwise). Unfortunately that means I missed a payment to my friend for my PC (oops! forgive me Travis). It was nice, sleek, and look perfectly geared toward what I wanted to do: play games and control my playlist at the SAME TIME (let that be a lesson, Microsoft!)

Sexy beast is sexy!

So I immediately hooked the bad boy up and installed the drivers. Great! Now what? Oh right, try out configuring the keyboard (maybe play around with the WASD lighting for shits and giigles). Lets take a look; uh-oh. The software only allows you to configure the media keys for four media players: WMP, iTunes, Real Player, and Winamp. It’s all good though, I suppose, the only other media player I use is Zune, and only for syncing my music to…well, my zune.

Alright, lets play some games. Great, this keyboard is nice and responsive! I could get used to this! Let’s go to the next song now *pushes “button”*….

AHEM, I said next song *pushes “button” again*…

YOU FUCKER, NEXT SONG *practically smashes the “button”*

*Media player changes song*. About time you asshole. Hopefully this shit is temporary and I only need to break the keyboard in a bit or something.

*3 hours later* Ugh, I need a break from trying to break in this keyboard. Time to put my music on hold. *Presses the pause “button”*

*Media player goes back to the beginning of the song*. The fuck? This is the play/pause button, not the restart song button! *mashes the “button” some more*

*Song restarts some more before finally stopping*. The fuck was that all about? You know what, I’ve had it with this shit, lets see what happens when I uninstall the software.

So, I uninstall the little shit and guess what? My media keys start functioning normally, and now I’m allowed to use them with whatever media player I want! What the fuck Razer? Why would you cripple your own keyboard to function INCORRECTLY with media players? Why not leave the media shit *UNTOUCHED*? Wouldn’t that make more sense?

So, to all those who plan on getting a Lycosa and don’t have a big need to control their keyboard lighting or macro/profile ability, do NOT install their shit drivers.

Someone give the patchers for HP a pay raise. As a note: to get the install cancelled patch to actually install, you have to choose only that update to install. Something they *probably* should have added to the description.

So, while watching Zolar Vision as I do every friday (right here, he does live prank calls), I had an idea. Why not request him to call the Culver’s of my employment, and act like he got harassed a bit by said Cody (since he was supposed to be closing that night). Thanks to my friend offy offering to chip in if he did the call, it happened. Here’s a video of the call:

And to those who think I’m a cruel person and that Cody didn’t deserve this kind of prank, listen up:

• Cody was told to change the flavor of the day to Butter Brickle. He somehow managed to fuck it up enough to make Brickle Pecan.
• He thinks he can beat the shit out of everyone, and likes to tell everyone that he’s going to throw them through a wall for no reason.
• The reason he wasn’t there during the call was because he took off because he was feeling “sick”
• The managers didn’t like him BEFORE this call.

Justified? I think so.