Have you ever been around someone who is attempting to hold the space, really consciously hold it? It can be tense.  But “holding” of a space is not actually a holding—it’s the opposite. You make it inviting, so others want to really show up, be fully present, and everyone gets the most from your interaction.

No healing or true experience of joy can occur unless the space is safe. Even if your head is saying it is safe or should be safe, if your gut is tense, it’s not safe. True, the tension may be based on your experiences. But no matter where the tension comes from, you will be holding back.

You create a safe space by first fully accepting yourself and your experience, then accepting the person you are with. So rather than holding the space, you fill the space with acceptance, for yourself and anyone who comes in it.

To be authentic you need to push through the feelings of control. Then you need to deal with the other person’s resistance to spontaneity. It may be work. If you are like me, you often chose not to try.

Let go

Start experimenting with how much you can let go of control, expectations, fear, etc. Fill the space with acceptance so the other person can show up fully. To speed up the process, take it further by taking a risk. Share a feeling, make yourself vulnerable. Your risk shows the other person that you and the space are safe.

Observe how he or she relaxes and opens up. Observe what that does to you. Experience how your acceptance fills the space, holding a space of possibilities.

Whatever happens is ok. The shadow side of yourself, with its judgments, is just released making it safe for everyone.

Let us know how this works for you.

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How Do You Hold Space?

What makes you powerful? I propose it isn’t your biceps; it’s your emotions. Your power derives from you expressing your emotions. I’m not talking about the rants we can go on, I am talking about those feelings that are difficult to express. In the expression of your vulnerability, you are powerful.

When you reveal your emotional liabilities, you risk judgment and rejection – but power lies in the risk. Telling your friend that you don’t want to help her, or your spouse how much he means to you, feels dangerous.

Think versus feel

Who taught you to communicate emotionally? If you’re like the rest of us, no one taught or modeled clear emotional communication. We were taught to be logical. Our religions and culture stands on Descartes’ proclamation, “I think, therefore I am.” Taught to lead with our minds, we come to believe the feelings will solve themselves if we figure the situation out.

You might be smart, but are you getting what you want? The passion that moves change comes from your belly. It comes from living a life of expression; I learned this the hard way. Growing up with dyslexia, I tried everything to be smart like others but it didn’t work. I had to resort to another strategy so I just started expressing what I felt.

In the course of leading more with my feelings and less with my thoughts, I stumbled. Yet, I also discovered I was happier and more powerful. I went from a timid, overly self-conscious kid to a man who has no problem opening his mouth.

One concept that helped came from neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), a way to understand communication and behavior. I learned that even though we might use our visual and auditory capacities to process information, it is our kinesthetic sense that tells us what is true for us. We gather the information, and then we run it by our feelings to know if it is good for us.

How many times have you made a decision based on logic only to later realize that while your deduction might have been correct, the decision wasn’t right for you? Our cultural training to make decisions based only on facts causes you to function as inefficient computers.

Train yourself to feel

Your feeling abilities are just underdeveloped skills. Like with any skills, you can significantly improve them with deliberate practice. There is no gym for feeling, so how do you get in shape? Here are some of the practices I give to clients and students:

• Mindfulness. The growth of the practice of mindfulness in the last ten years has exploded. Virtually every community has someone teaching Mindfulness Stress Reduction courses. I used to teach these eight-week courses and there is no quicker way to develop a level of mastery with being aware of what you are experiencing. The bonus is that your stress level goes way down as you increase your awareness of your body and emotions.

• Express. When in doubt – speak. This is just like any activity in which you’ve become out-of-shape; you’ll be a little rough at it in the beginning but let yourself screw up. Your self-judgments will be worse than what others might think. If the only thing you say in the beginning is that something doesn’t feel right or that you’re a confused, you’ve taken a large step.

Speak what is true for you in the moment. Another method to prime this emotional pump is to begin your speaking with a physical feeling. “My stomach feels tense,” can be the beginning of an honest conversation.

• Release the past. This doesn’t mean you need to enroll in ten years of therapy. It might mean taking a page from 12 step programs where you make amends for past actions. We all have done things we regret. I know when I called an old girlfriend to own how I betrayed her and listened to how my actions affected her, we both opened up and let go of held feelings.

So much of your charge about a current event often comes from similar previous events that often for valid reasons didn’t get expressed. So, when possible, feel and express even if it is small.

Every week in our men’s groups, we see how a small expression of past held actions or feelings set men free to be more alive and more powerful. After hundreds of these meetings, I have always left the meetings feeling more powerful because I made sure I spoke what I needed to speak. I still might be shy and screw up some of my communications, but I don’t hold back my feelings, the cost is too great.

Focus on your feelings; start speaking them, find venues that you can work out your feelings, play with emotional expression. Let us know how this works for you.

I hope this post was useful. Checkout other posts at www.wholerevolution.com

How to Transform Emotions Into Power

Yes, I am saying take a risk. I would add the distinction of saying don’t try to overcome your fear, grief or anger; just let the risk(s) be there. With the risk, speak your deep truths. When I try to overcome something to do something else, I usually take myself out. When I can sit in my fear, grief and anger… and still speak or act, it is rough, but it is a powerful healing.

I set my mark at not doing it well, right or quickly. I set my mark at getting a healing. Life gives us a few of these intense healing opportunities. I am learning to be greedy and take full advantage of them.

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Hang It Out There

It’s not you, men. For women, happiness comes from how they experience life. Marcus Buckingham and his team polled thousands of women to discover what made them happy. He found that women’s happiness comes from focusing on the moments rather than the goals, plans or dreams. Focusing on the moments means being present. And men, women know when a man is present. If you want to attract a woman, and help keep her happy while she’s with you, be present.

Buckingham states it well:

When you commit your life to being true to yourself, you are not committing to some far-flung destiny, some grand dream, or some disembodied list of values, no matter how worthy. Instead you are committing to the truth embodied in this strong moment, the truth that this specific moment, for no rational reason, energizes you.

This phenomenon holds true for men too, though. We all experience a deeper and richer life when we are present. Stress is often the effect of not being present. Our bodies know when we are being incongruent with what we want and what we are doing. To deal with the incongruity we learned to check out. The problem is, we often don’t check back into our bodies, or back into the moment.

Have you ever been out to dinner with you wife or girlfriend, and she’s talking away, and you’re thinking about work? She gets your attention by saying, “Hello! Where ARE you?” That’s a great way to drive a woman away—by never being present with her. Learn to enjoy the little moments with her, and it will create an unbreakable bond.

We read books that tell us how to get things done, how to live our dreams, or how to change our habits to be better people. We often succeed at our goals–but are we happier?

Ok, you might be thinking, “Being in the moment might work better than all the other techniques I’ve tried, but how do I do it?” Unfortunately, none of us in this culture were taught how to be present.

One way to be present is incredibly simple:  breathe. Years ago, my business partner and I ran a mindfulness stress reduction company in Phoenix. During the eight-week course, we taught people to relax by teaching them to feel their bodies through breathing. As they hoped, their stress was significantly reduced. What really amazed them, though, was that they were happier—not just less stressed, but truly happier in all aspects of their lives. Because they were finally present.

I don’t teach the classes any more. I do have a blog that assist readers in reducing their stress and teaching them to use the power the breath: www.stressedout.org.

If you want to be happier, be more present. If you want to be more present, experience your body – breathe. As simple as it sound, it works. If you want to attract the “right people” to you, be present. If you want fulfilling relationships, be present. Simple.

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What Makes Women Happy?

Amber Riviere wrote an excellent post on how to cut through what blocks you from achieving your goals and your vision. In reviewing, Wayne Dryer’s new book Excuses Begone! she mentions that Dryer says just ignore what is taking you out. I would agree don’t give it energy. Yet I would warn you not to deny the feelings associated with the inaction.

When any of us hold our breath, holding back our full experience my might get the task done, but we are still left with the emotion that was taking us out. By feeling the emotions as you move forward beyond the block not only do you get it done, you also reduce or release the limiting emotion.

There will be a next time. If some of the emotional charge is released, the resistance will be less – it might be gone. What a bonus to doing the act the first time.

Amber speak about the benefits of having a blank “unwillingness sheet” which is similar to what I wrote about in “Know Fear to Succeed”. Read Amber’s post to learn more simple suggestions to being successful. Let us know what you do to achieve your goals.

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Moving through a Block

Tim Ferriss of The 4-Hour Workweek fame discusses how to succeed by using your fears. His short video shares how listing your worst-case fears prepare you for what most likely won’t happen. What it does do, is bring out in the open the distractions that are rolling around in your head and taking you out. Getting honest can be hard in the beginning, but as you continue writing your list, you’ll feel your energy pick up.

His next suggestion is to practice your fears. Here, he suggests you create strategies for these possible situations, and then rehearse dealing with them. This further decreases the fear, and enhances your understanding of the situation. If one of the fears does come true, you’re also prepared to deal with it.

Tim’s two suggestions go against the current mindset of focusing on the positive. It causes you to go into your feelings, which will often take you out despite all of your positive affirmations.

The power of Tim’s approach is mirrored in what we ask men in our men’s group, “What is at risk?” What would happen, what would you lose and/or gain, if you pursue a particular avenue? When this is done in such a way where it takes the man out of his head and deeper into his feelings, the process can be very empowering. The man gets to see and feel what his little voices are doing to him. The price he has paid for keeping these voices, but not addressing them directly. Once owned and felt; he can release them.

Let me know your success with this approach—or any other for that matter—for dealing with your fears.

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Know Fear to Succeed

If you haven’t discovered Change This, you now have. Inspired by Seth Godin, it is a site put together to host manifestos. Here is the list of the most popular PDF downloads. Cherry Bombs: A Supplemental Kit to “Radical Careering” is the top of the list. “Cherry bombs are quick but explosive ideas that startle a situation out of paralysis.”

They ask you to suggest or create a manifesto – is there one in you?

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Change This

Change requires determination, sometimes like that of a competitive endurance athlete. An article in National Geographic Adventure on how to get through adversity, tells the story of how Rosie Stancer attempted to be the first woman to travel solo to the North Pole. She didn’t achieve her goal, but she did survive—minus two toes while vowing to reattempt.

The article quotes Andrew Lane, Ph.D., a sports psychologist, who suggests concentrating on each movement. He goes on to say, “Relaxing your shoulders can help stop a cycle of vicious thoughts.” Breathing and being in the moment no matter how difficult it might be will reduce your stress and increase your performance. A stressed body never performs as well over time. The survival response as the stress response will get us out of harm’s way, but we aren’t meant to sustain that level of sympathetic nervous system output. Over time, our performance decreases if only because we become exhausted.

Another sports psychologist, David Coppel, Ph.D., speaks about how some athletes disassociate from their bodies to get through the event. Disassociation is a backup to being present; when you can’t handle something you check out. The problem is that you often don’t check back in. It’s true, you feel less pain but you will also feel less pleasure. Not being present is a set-up to injuries and getting lost.

Stress, in a sporting event or life, can teach you to check out. The problem is you can get so good at it that you don’t even know you aren’t present. Then one day you may wake up wondering how you got to where you are. Twenty-five years ago, I had a pediatric neurologist see me for Rolfing. About halfway through the ten sessions, he told me, “I am not who I wanted to be. I am someone else’s image of a life.” He gave up medicine to discover who he was and what he wanted from life. That took an act of bravery to come back into his body and his life.

The process of change can be difficult. Often the most difficult aspect is getting present. Once you are in your body, and feeling what is occurring in the moment, change occurs. For many, the first three stages of the Whole Adventure are just about getting present. Re-associating and relaxing into whatever is happening can make your event more intense. It will keep you on your path ultimately increasing the chance of success.

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Change Is an Extreme Event

Do you nap? Come on; admit it. Would you like to?

According to a new Pew Research Study, a third of the adults (34%) in the United States take a nap. More men nap than women do. The rich and poor nap more. The unhappy nap more than the happy.

Over the years of taking naps and interviewing clients about theirs, I learn a few thing. Recent research supports our experience – learn what you can receive from naps.

Rejuvenate

Beyond escaping your problems one of the greatest benefit is a nap ability to renew you. Gregory Belenky, MD, Research Professor and Director of the Sleep and Performance Research Center at Washington State University, claim naps are a way to make up for lost nighttime sleep. He states that naps “add to total recuperative sleep time.” Belenky noted that many around the world such as the Spanish divide sleep into two blocks.

Contrary to the belief of many, a nap in the afternoon will not disrupt your night sleep. Research support what the Chinese knew for hundreds of years, around 2AM and 2PM you body slows down. According to Oriental Medicine between two and four are liver times. It is when the liver shifts gears, there by drawing energy from the rest of the body to make these transitions. So, why fight it, why use more energy? Allow your body to do what it wants, sleep. Animals and kids go with the flow, so why can’t we? Tell your boss that work is interfering with “your flow.” Ask her to join you in a nap.

Seriously, naps will rejuvenate you. Give yourself the pleasure of discovering for yourself.

Increase performance

NASA found that having pilots take short naps produced a 34% boost in performance and a 54% boost in alertness. How many times were you tired and no matter how much you tried, you couldn’t focus and produce? Our macho attitudes of pushing through it only sabotage our results. Not only does it take longer, often the results are subpar.

Increase your intelligence

A Harvard study showed that taking a 60-90 minute nap is similar to nighttime sleep and that combining nighttime sleep with napping has twice the effect of improving learning.

In that twilight state between sleep and waking, that trance state where you are semi-aware you have a portal to heighten creativity. This is the place where you the most creative, the most out of the box. My naps are often better places than my sleep to allow my unconscious to create solutions to problems or dream in new opportunities. It is in this transition space that many use lucid dreaming to change a course of a dream to craft a better dream.

Lose weight while you nap

With a nap, you may just generate more energy to do your workout. You may also be less likely to do inappropriate snacking if you nap. As the stress leaves your body/mind, you will have more energy to work and play and less a desire for that quick fix of junk food.

Be a better person

How many times were you short with someone because you were tired? Exhaustion not only creates accidents, it creates emotional outbursts. First, you are more sensitive. The littlest stimulus can be an irritation or a threat to your well-being. Instinctually you will lash out to repel the threat. Secondly, you have less energy to be patience. In a state of exhaustion, you are susceptible to the fight or flight response, the survival response. You are on edge instinctually expecting the worse. In many ways, you are experiencing a mini-PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) moment. Your response is disproportional to the situation.

When a nap makes you worse

For immediate help, a short nap can be the best. Longer naps if you are exhausted may have you waking up groggy and tired. Here you are coming down from being wired while being exhausted. That is a good thing in the long term, but not when you wake up.

If napping is making you more tired, it is a sign that you are rundown. The good news, the naps are bringing you down out of the fight or flight response of your sympathetic nervous system. In the end, this is good because your body will be leaving the stress response. This will allow your body to truly rejuvenate and heal. If you continue with these longer, deeper naps, you will begin to feel and look younger. Over the years, I encouraged clients to forgo the initial tiredness for the long-term benefit of rejuvenation. When the stress and tiredness leaves your body, you will awaken a renewed person.

We live in a culture where quantity has surpassed quality. We come to believe that working longer and harder is better than living well, better than working smart. My aversion to naps represents my belief I need to keep working. Now I am starting to shift my beliefs as I learn that I can enjoy life for and get more done when I slow down and renew myself. I encourage you to experiment with your naps. Let us know your experience.

I hope this post was useful. Checkout other posts at www.wholerevolution.com

Learn about the Power of Naps

Playing together

It seems like most of us are either looking for a relationship or looking at improving one. We’re constantly getting and giving advice around relationships. With the popularity of reality shows fueling the hype about “the one,” it’s amazing any of us have relationships that work.

I’m not here to tell you that I found the secret but I will tell you that I have learned something from my many mistakes. During the past 40 years, I’ve felt like an athlete in constant training. Fortunately, if you think of developing a good relationship as a sport, I’m approaching a level of proficiency where I am not continually injuring myself. I actually am enjoying the sport more than ever. It’s now much easier and a hell of a lot more fun. It does help that I have an outrageous partner to play with. We’re not competing though; we’re on the same team, playing together.

Winning her love

A simple principle, but not always simple to learn was to be myself. Said another way, it took me a few years to unlearn all the behaviors and beliefs that were not me. Some of my best teachers were the women I dated. The teaching that got me on track was when many years ago a woman said to me, “I hear all the reasons you love me, but I don’t feel it.” She was right, I was arguing my case. It was a good argument, I’m sure I was winning – but I wasn’t winning her love.

Due to divine intervention or blind luck, I got it. I finally understood my approach to relationships was through my head. Then the work began; I started to unravel the emotional binds that kept me from being present. The avoidance of feeling fear was at the core of running to my head.

Receiving more pleasure

So how did I change? I just kept risking in spite of my fear. I started to learn that even if I failed, I lived. Gradually the pain, fear and failure decreased. My success rate increased, meaning the quality of my relationships improved. To my amazement, it was much easier and a hell of lot more fun. I just expected to be better at it. Appreciating the woman and receiving more pleasure was a huge bonus.

A colleague turned me on to Alison Armstrong several months ago. Alison started her business teaching women about men. Now she teaches both sexes about the other and how to create better relationships. Her teachings and style is easy to grasp. She takes what could be tough issues and makes them fun. I recently wrote a post on our men’s group blog about an excellent interview she did on how to get the relationship you want. Check out the post, Alison gives you the high points of her entire relationship workshop. Read the post as an introduction, and then listen to the recording.

Create your Whole Relationship. Let us know how successful you are at transforming your partner’s relationship.

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How to Transform Your Partner’s Relationship