Wendy93639

The Curse

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:56:00 +0000

It was argued that the Negro was inferior by nature because of Noah's curse upon the children of Ham.... The greatest blasphemy of the whole ugly process was that the white man ended up making God his partner in the exploitation of the Negro. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967

As a child I was told that very thing: the black race was descendent from Ham. I grew up in the American Midwest in the latter part of the 20th century. It wasn’t told to me with malice, but with a matter-of-fact-ness that comes with telling a child something to appease their curiosity. It was a story of good vs. evil, of bad behavior would get you in trouble forever, of learned guilt, and of forgiveness for all but yourself.

We are never really told what Ham did that was so bad that his father cursed him. (I know that some texts say Noah cursed Ham’s son instead because God has already blessed Ham. That is a minute detail that overshadows the point. If you curse my kid, you curse me.) Ham looked upon his father’s nakedness. This could mean so many things and in all probability none are literal. One thing is certain; whatever Ham did caused Noah deep embarrassment and shame. He took it out on his son. That kind of behavior still goes on today. We take out our own grief/ shame/ anger/ on others.

Even after Christianity, the religion of forgiveness, is born, even Christians perpetuated the same myths to justify actions, beliefs and traditions.

Now, in the year 2012, we would like to think we have risen above and moved beyond the need for such mythologies and yet we still continue to tell these stories we were told of the justification of evil. This particular story has been told over and over again from parents to children since before the time of Christ, not for decades or centuries, but for millennia. It really makes no difference whether the story originates from the bible or if the bible writers ‘stole’ it from other myths. What matters is that the story was used to explain away and justify cruelty against others.

Prejudices come in neat packages. They come wrapped in expected behaviors and traditions. To un-learn something is much more difficult than to learn it to begin with. Yet, the un-learning is much more empowering and makes a person self-aware and responsible.

Traditions leave stains, not unlike the curse put on Ham. Perhaps that is the message we should be telling our children. The curse isn't the message, the curse is the story itself.

A Plan

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:39:00 +0000

Everyone tells you that to succeed you must have a plan. A goal.

'write it down. share it with others. do it this way. do it that way. it's the only way to be sure you'll succeed'

If your plan doesn't follow some set of rules, you will most certainly be subject to a barrage of criticism.

Don't listen. Plan away. Only you have to know what you're doing and why.

This is what you should be saying to yourself (or something similar):

I have a plan. I know exactly what I'm doing. I know myself ever so much better than you know me and I don't need your approval to proceed with my plans. I believe in myself.

Then smile at yourself in the mirror and go on with your day.

Christmas Aftermath

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 15:29:00 +0000

I saw that I had several presents under the tree. I did not have any clue what they could be. None. I hadn't specifically asked for anything that I could recall.

One by one I opened gifts that I actually had specifically asked for at some time. Things I wished for out loud or mentioned in passing that I'd like to have. There were some surprises but for the most part, everything I had wished for earlier in the year was under that tree.

Better than all the presents was the realization that someone listens to me. That is the best gift of all.

Morning Constitutional

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 15:29:00 +0000

I'm not sure if it was from a Saturday morning cartoon or if I actually heard someone say it but the phrase "Morning Constitutional" always made me giggle. Even though the character then went for a walk, it still makes me think of a visit to the bathroom first.

Here in America the word constitution conjures images of a piece of paper with elaborate signatures upon it. But the word constitution simply means the physical make up of a thing. It can also mean a habit. Those things we live by. Our rituals. I have them. You have them too, whether you think you do or not.

We tend to be creatures of habit for the most part and especially in the morning (or in the case of people like my brother who work nights, especially whenever it is you wake for your day). It's ritual that gets us to the kitchen for that first cup of coffee. We may have to adjust our schedules throughout the day while we are dodging bullets at work but before anything else happens, we have to get up. Have you ever woken up late and had to scramble to get out the door on time? Our routine ensures we start on track.

Changing a routine, especially a morning routine, can be difficult. However, creating a habit can ensure you reach goals you set for yourself. If I don't get a workout in the morning, it is rare that I'll find the time to do it later in the day. If I don't eat breakfast, I will feel hungry the rest of the day. I am not sure why that is that way, other than I find I actually eat LESS during the day if I eat a decent breakfast. I didn't always do that. It's difficult to change. I still try to incorporate routine into my day and sometimes it succeeds and sometimes it fails.

With 2012 right around the corner, many of you will be making resolutions. That's a word that I don't like in that context. I would never "resolve" myself to doing something and expect to keep up with it. I think a New Year's Constitutional is much more lyrical and quite a bit more likely to be an accurate way of looking at your life. Create a constitution for yourself.

My advice is to create routine. Start small and build later when you think about it. By small I mean SMALL. Do one thing different. Perhaps you need to actually eat breakfast. Perhaps you need to drink more water. Perhaps you need to workout daily. Pick one do-able thing. ("I will drink 72 oz of water a day") Forget about goal setting or writing it down or any other thing anyone tells you you must do to get to a goal. Pick one small thing and DO IT.

Maybe you won't think about changing again until next year, but with any luck you'll have already created a new habit and one that will make you feel better about yourself.

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:21:00 +0000

You don't have to read every book you buy. You don't have to finish reading the book you've started.

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:38:00 +0000

For some, the next few weeks are a rough part of the year.

Some have no sentiment to the season, no reason to remember.
Some have spent money they shouldn't have to buy gifts for others, knowing they will rue the shortage in January.
Some can barely keep the peace with family members they disagree with the rest of the year.
Some have no family.

Be kind to each other. We all feel like we aren't enough sometimes. We might not be able to fix what's broken, but understanding and compassion go a long way. That's all most of us want, someone to go along with us. Even if only for a little while.

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:54:00 +0000

Learn to find satisfaction in everyday tasks: cooking, cleaning, gardening, mowing the yard, taking your grandmother to get groceries, making your bed. There will always be things we are loathe to do (dusting and laundry, for instance). But to find creativity and self-worth in simple tasks, in responsibility, that's the key to growth.

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 15:42:00 +0000

After being conspicuously absent from all spaces online in general, I've come to the conclusion I should rid myself of the several spaces I inhabit here and consolidate into one space. One. Space. Where might that space be? you ask. I don't know yet.

Problem #1 (the biggest one): I am a bit of a perfectionist and if I move everything to one space it will take me forever to get organized and screw that. I don't want to waste the time, really.

Problem #2: I really don't know if any of you care what I put out here or there or there. Not that it matters much, I'm amazed anyone reads my drivel anyway.

Problem #3: If you do like what I do, you should let me know so I could do more of that.

Otherwise, I'm abandoning them until I find something I do want to say and then I will only say it in one place.

There's your warning. The fact that I'm laid up in bed for the next few days (weeks?) is in no small part responsible for my sudden house cleaning, as it were.

I'm trying to get creative up in here and I don't have time to decide where to post or who it's for or who gives a shit.

Bonus for you, I will point all the URLs to the same space (wherever that may be) so you can catch what I say when I say it. Fair enough?

Thanks.

Running to Catch Up

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 13:10:00 +0000

Running to catch up.
What am I trying to catch up to? my goals? my dreams? a finish line?

I don't like feeling like I'm running late or behind. It's a feeling that is pervaded with guilt. Guilt that I should've done this or that only brings anxiety and I hate that. What a worthless emotion anxiety is!

Our world is always in a hurry. We want instant gratification....NOW! dammit.

We want the end results without putting in the time and effort to obtain it proper. I think the world we live in has conditioned us to focus on the finish line, the goal, and unfortunately we lose all we learn in the process.

"Yay! I've finished that goal....NEXT!" said as you're marking another notch on your belt.

I'm not playing a game with the Joneses no matter what kind of man/ woman/ web (or other) celeb/ guru/ author/ business professional/ {insert your business here} they are. Neither are you.

Life isn't a series of sprints and if you want to know a secret, it isn't a competition. No one is going to "beat you to it" and by rushing to get to something you're missing the important part: living.

Photo Credit: Mad African! (Broken Sword)

WhatchaThinkin?

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 12:30:00 +0000

I don’t know what you’re thinking, you know? Okay, perhaps I might be able to guess if I were in the right place at the right time and even more so if I knew you and your circumstances in life right at that moment. But for the most part, I haven’t a clue what you’re thinking.

It’s that way with every one of us. We think we know what is going on in someone’s head based on what is going on in our own, but it isn’t the case. AND we expect others to ‘read our minds’ and know what we need/mean/want without giving them a clue. …especially those closest to us.

It’s rough out here in the world. It’s rough learning who we are/ how our bodies and minds work. It’s only going to get more complicated as the world gets more social. One thing to keep in mind is that people are basically the same the world over. We are all human. We have the same emotions to work with. The structure is the same if the system is a bit different.

If you do nothing else this summer I wish you would learn these few things about yourself and each other:

You must ask for what you want if you wish to receive it.
You must say what you mean if you wish to be understood.
You must be kind to those who don’t get it. Be patient. They may never get it.

Photo Credit: @boetter

Scars and Attitude

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 12:37:00 +0000

I was told that when I was two years old, I fell from an unfinished brick wall and hit my head on a loose brick causing a scar on my eyebrow. Now being two, I’m sure your first thought is ‘what the heck was she doing there?’ and not remembering the incident myself I can only conclude that it was what I wanted.

Me and my brother. I'm about two here. I have a scratch on my nose. Figures.

I have a much older brother, who was so gracious with me, taking me everywhere with him my entire childhood. Perhaps it was so he’d have someone to pick on, but no matter to me, I adored him (and adore him still) and would follow him anywhere. I’m quite sure it wasn't always great having me around, I can be stubborn, and by the sound of this story, I was born that way. The story goes: I wanted to walk on the wall and he let me. I fell. I cried. I lived.

Now, whenever I ask for something that may not seem rational to those around me I conclude the request with this: ‘I want what I want’...said with attitude. No, I don’t always get it but I want it and it’s funny to say.

I am one of the most patient people I know. I might gripe while waiting (I really try not to but man, it’s tough sometimes) but I will wait if I know it isn’t futile. If it is futile, and I realize I will never get whatever it is I wanted, I will drop it. I’m not irrational, just stubborn.

Perhaps it is what drives me, wanting things I don’t get right away. Other times being patient makes me realize I already have better than what I thought I wanted.

I am quite sure based on how I was raised and the way I’ve lived my entire life, that wanting material things is nearly always futile. However, a majority of the time, that is precisely what I want. I need to change that about myself and get down and dirty with things I wish to accomplish instead of own.

The next couple of months are going to be quite the ride. Vacation, surgery and other projects are going to keep me juggling, something I have never scheduled myself to do. But I have now. It’s time to shake things up and push myself a bit; stretch.

What's the worst that could happen? I could fall. I could cry. I will live. I will have a scar no matter what. Fair enough.

I want what I want.

UPDATE: Note from my brother about the incident:

"It was a concrete retaining wall, about a foot wide, a short drop (less than a foot) on one side and a six foot drop on the other, in an unfinished area of the apartments where we lived (Tulsa), and a kid older than me was holding your hands as you both walked along it. I didn't see you fall I don't remember if the kid fell with you, I just remember your tender forehead needing stitches and my heart was broken."

Pillow Talk

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 12:03:00 +0000

In the middle of the night I woke up afraid. You ever do that? Wake up because you dreamt something that scared you or dreamt something that you feel guilty about doing, fearful you’ll repeat the stupidity? Perhaps you tell yourself it’s regret, not guilt. Regret, guilt, dread, worry are all the same thing just dressed differently—they are all fear.

Fear is a terrible bedfellow.

Why do we do that...re-live things in our heads? You know why. We can only judge our present (what we are doing now) by our past (what we have done) and we tend to be hardest on ourselves; we remember our screw-ups more than our successes.

If I were honest with myself, I’d say there are new directions I should be contemplating or just going—I’ve contemplated enough—thus the fear. And instead of forging ahead with blinders on, I do nothing different. I stand looking, afraid to move.

Excuses only make it worse. How many times are you going to listen to your excuses? You wouldn’t hang out with friends who complained that much—who always dragged their feet because they were afraid.

Instead of trying to be somebody, maybe we should try to be somebody we’d like.

If we are friends with people we know are flawed—who have pasts that aren’t pristine—who also have emerged from such pursuits scathed but breathing and we still like them, scars and all, maybe we should look at ourselves like that: with compassionate eyes.

I go look in the mirror. I’m there. I look right into my eyes and say:

“I know. You screwed up. But that was then and you turned out pretty well. We don’t ever have to go there again. You’re a tough chick, Wendy. Now let’s go back to bed.”

photo credit: [ piXo ]

Fixing the World or Don't Just Sit There, Do Something!

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 21:56:00 +0000

How can you just sit there and do nothing when all around you are things that need to be ‘fixed’?

Man, oh man, I have struggled with this one my whole life; always thinking I should DO something. ANYTHING. I must have some sort of control over the things that affect me, right? I should be able to DO something about it. And when I can’t, it would become the most aggravating and agitating thing in my life, unable to ignore. Obsession. Anxiety. Frustration.

Don’t just sit there, DO SOMETHING!

I spent years (YEARS!) fighting: fighting my parents, fighting the system, fighting my own pathway in life. I was mean. What good did it get me? Not much. But I was always trying to fix whatever wasn’t right. I was always DOING something to try and make it better and prove that I was DOING something. If I was DOING something, then no one could accuse me of ignoring the problem or being lazy. If I was DOING something then I was working toward making it right, right?

But always thinking I had to fix what I thought was wrong or at least look like I was doing something about what needed to be fixed in my life only made me more obsessed, anxious and frustrated (and neurotic). Because by constantly acknowledging the things that were wrong by DOING something about it made all those things my own; I took them on as my own problems that needed to be fixed whether they were my own or not. It also made me a human DOING instead of a human BEING.

Each of us has blueprints of how we think the world (the world we live in; our world) should look. We think our parents should be like X. We think our jobs should be like Y. We think our relationships should be like Z. We think we should be like N. We have ideals. These ideals are based on things we know and places we’ve been and people we’ve known our entire lives. These ideals are not wrong. But they may be wrong for you.

Sometimes we need to change our blueprints.

Always having to DO something about the things that weren’t just right in my life, about the things that didn’t match my blueprint of how things should be, was making me crazy. It was making me anxious. It was making me mean.

The first time I read about changing the way you see the world was from M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled. This was nearly 20 years ago and I was just starting to analyze how screwy my life was by reading everything I could get my hands on. I did not blame anyone for the way my life was; I knew I was to blame. That was easy for me to see, because I was impetuous and radical at times. But to change what I believed to be true about my world? I can do that? I didn’t have to try and mold myself into a certain type of person? Be a certain type of mom/ daughter/ woman/ citizen/ partner/ employee/ boss/ etc? I can choose?!

I was under the impression* that I had to change myself. Who knew I could change the world to match me?

It took me a long time to believe that, to believe that I could actually choose the blueprint; that external circumstances might help or hinder, but ultimately I can change the way I think my world should be and that doesn’t have to match a blueprint of someone else. Other people don’t have the same relationships or jobs or experiences or whatever that I do. How can we all have the same blueprint? Why do I have to believe/ act/ look/ be like someone else?

What if I made it ok to be tall and a bit over-weight? What if I made it ok to be awesome at managing a home? What if I made it ok to be a part-time dogwalker? What if I make it ok to not believe the things I was taught to believe as a child? What if I made it ok to live a life I choose? To look the way I look? To believe what I believe? To be who I am?

By changing the way I see the world, I change my world. No more obsessions. No more anxiety. No more frustration. That can’t be bad, can it?

What do you need to look at differently? It’s ok to be different. It’s ok to be you.

Bonus: when you see your world differently, you begin to see others differently too. We all strive to match a blueprint we have created for ourselves. Knowing this, it's pretty cool how interesting people can be, and I bet you're missing it. Our differences make us wonderful.

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. ~Will Durant

*that’s a heavy word: impression, in more ways than one. Think about the word *impression*. What must be done to make an impression? Heavy, forceful pressure must be made. The words we use have an impact on how we think and behave. I wish we’d pay better attention to the words we use and not be so lazy with our vocabulary. It matters. Really. If you think it doesn’t, next time you are having a conversation with someone who bumbles their words, notice how you fill in the blanks for them, even if only in your mind. Was that what they meant? Who knows, it’s what you thought they meant which could be wrong. What kind of trouble can that misunderstanding cause? Learn to use good words.

photo credits:
Contemplation/IDS.photos

The Rope (Redux)

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 21:03:00 +0000

A few days ago I wrote that I was quitting the #Trust30 writing prompt challenge because I felt it was redundant; I'd already been there/done that. In my defense in beginning the thing to start with, I did think it was going to be something I could use, and it was. I just didn't need to go the whole 30 days to find its use.

While my computer was on the fritz, I searched through some old writing (some of which was lost unfortunately) and found some old posts from my first blog. From time to time I might throw one of these gems back at you, since I know most of you darlings that read here weren't around back then. What follows was published online 5/11/09.

The Rope

Life is a terrible teacher. It gives us the test before it shows us the lesson.

I don’t suppose we ever really learn about life. When things are good we love them so much we cling to them as if our very existence depends on maintaining the status quo. The old, good status quo is on one end of the rope, we are tightly holding the other end . The rope is twisted around our necks and we cannot breathe. And yet, we still hold fast. We are clinging to ideas and ideals that only exist in our memories and history books.

I am not only talking just about this country or the world; I am talking about you and me.

Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves.

Our ‘what-about-me’ attitude has got to change. That is what has gotten us into this mess, this economical and emotional crisis that plagues us all in one way or another. We have all raped and pillaged every last corner of the good times, when they were available, not caring that it may not be the same tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes. Every 24 hours. Amazing. We have a good day, week, month, (and if we are real lucky) year and we cling to that memory like it defines who we are; as if we are nothing without it. That one good day doesn’t make you anything but privileged to have experienced it.

No one owes you. You may be employed and put in a good days work. Your employer then owes you wages for that day. Beyond that, he owes you nothing. Not even a guarantee of a job tomorrow.

It’s not about you. Let go of the rope. It’s a great memory on the other end. It’s a great story you can tell later. But let it go. It’s not who you are. It is onlywhere you were.

Turn away from the mirror. There is so much going on out here in the world; so much sorrow and pain that can be alleviated by your attention. Someone needs an ear. Someone needs a smile. Someone needs you and you are clinging to a rope that is has death on the other end disguised as better times. It’s killing you.

In the beginning and in the end, we have nothing but ourselves. That is all we can give, too, that has any impact and meaning for each other.

Back before all the shit hit the fan in this country, I wrote about regret. I still have none. But I know where I am. I am climbing out of a hole that is on a street I will not ever go down again. There will be other holes on other streets. I will try to learn from them too. When you see someone in a hole, struggling to get out, if you cannot lend a hand, at least provide encouragement, listen to them and cheer them on. Belief is a powerful thing. It’s contagious.

Maybe use the rope you have around your neck as a lifeline. Wouldn’t that be something?

photo credit: Moi deToi

The Dangling Barnacle

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 13:40:00 +0000

Oh Barnacles!

That dangling barnacle is my biggest problem. (I sincerely hope that becomes some sort of catch-phrase for obscure pains-in-the-ass: A Dangling Barnacle. “…well, ain’t that just a dangling barnacle…”)

The nerve endings in your pelvis are exposed. (Not on the outside, silly, they are just not covered by anything on the inside.) They lay there spread like a Japanese fan, sprawled out sunning themselves except they live beneath ‘where the sun don’t shine’ so sunning themselves is moot. This isn’t any sort of problem normally if all your innards are where they are supposed to be and all go about their own business doing whatever it is they do. But throw a few rogue fibroids in the mix and whoa! You’ve got yourself a revolt.

This certain kind of uterine fibroid (for you medical geeks, it’s pendunculated , which means it occurs on a long stalk on the outside of the uterus or inside the cavity of the uterus as opposed to just attaching itself to the uterus itself) is especially troublesome because it flops around on its stem AND it’s on the outside of my uterus. It flops around on this stem and bangs against the exposed nerves among other things (ever feel like you have to poop but can't? Try that times ten.)

Because it tends to bang against exposed nerves it causes me to walk funny to prevent this from happening. Not walk funny like John Cleese but not properly and I throw my hip out a bit. This combined with the extra weight I am carrying around (these suckers ain’t full of air!) and my entire hip/pelvis area is constantly out of whack.

Many, many years ago when I was just a child (ok, I was 17) I had a job washing dishes. I would stand, bent over a sink for hours on end. It was great for a 17 year olds wallet, but not for a 17 year olds back. I couldn’t lie down on the bed at night without breathing like I was in a Lamaze class; panting until the muscles relaxed enough so I could sleep. I went to a chiropractor. The man was brilliant. A miracle worker, he was. He explained that my hips were out of whack partially from the way my spine lays (slight scoliosis) and from bending over that sink every day.

As soon as he adjusted my hips back into place, I could breathe. I could walk. I could sleep. This was awesome. It wasn’t long before I was popping my hips back into place myself right before I’d get out of bed in the morning. He noticed I was doing it myself and told me to only come back if I needed his help. I never went back. I still adjust my hips myself. I’ve gotten so good at it that sometimes I do it in my sleep. After so many years, I know what out-of-whack hips are like. This is it. However, at times, these barnacles are in the way and I cannot always adjust. That just causes more discomfort and pain. To reiterate: the barnacles must die.

I suppose it wouldn’t matter as much if I didn’t actually do anything that required walking around but I walk dogs everyday. Walk. Dogs. I’m being pulled and jumped on and have to bend over to pick up shit every day. They pull and run and shit. They’re adorable.

We don’t have any pets. I’m not complaining at all. I love not having to clean up after an animal. I love that my house doesn’t smell, that my carpet isn’t stained, that my black dress doesn’t have hair all over it (besides my own) right before I walk out the door, that I can set a plate of food down and not think that it might not be there when I get back.

Still, after having pets my entire life up until now there are times I miss the furry little things. I love on other people’s dogs. Yes, I have to pick up shit but it’s worth it. Plus they pay me pretty decent money, so there’s that. So I will tolerate the discomfort and walk funny.

…for just a couple more months.

Barnacles on My Uterus

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 20:00:00 +0000

Yes these are actual barnacles. No they are not the actual barnacles on my uterus.

I have barnacles on my uterus. Those in the know would call them uterine fibroids, but I say screw the formalities and call a spade a spade. They are barnacles.

Knowing that something (or in my case 4 somethings) had attached itself to the very thing that housed my children for nine months is a bit alarming and problematic. One, it’s just like a mosquito feeding on my lifeblood and two, I can’t smack the shit out of it and flick it off.

Besides the excessive bleeding that comes with these suckers (listen, if you are a dude and don’t want to read shit like this then click off ...but first, get over yourself, would ya? Women bleed. It’s life. We don’t like to listen to you fart, but we do. Just the way things are) there’s a giant pudge right below my belly button! How inconvenient is that?! It’s like I’m concealing merchandise or that I look 5 months pregnant. Either way it sucks.

I have four fibroids each about the size of a Clementine orange attached to the back of my uterus. Three are one on top of one another, snowman style and the fourth, sneaky buzzard, is on a stem dangling off and flapping in the wind like a lead balloon. The three snowmen of the apocalypse have pushed my uterus up and out, thus the I-look-5-months-pregnant pudge. The fourth barnacle is the biggest problem. That’s the rebel. It doesn’t want to play nicely with the others. It has to dangle around banging on the exposed nerve endings in my pelvis. This fucker must be stopped.

Now I know that many women develop fibroids (develop… yeah…"there’s been a development in your pelvic region. Better have that checked…”) in their early 20s and it can cause difficulty with pregnancy. I didn’t have this problem. I was Fertile Myrtle and popped out three kids in 6 years in my 20s with uneventful pregnancies and deliveries. In fact, all through my 30s I was pretty healthy. Then 40 hits you and you’re gaining weight that you have to work twice as hard to rid and you become painfully aware of your non-twenty-ish-ness.

I have always had this little ‘mama-pudge’ as I call it. After birthing three kids, you expect to be permanently deformed. But, fitting into a size 8 jeans was entirely fine with me no matter what my belly looked like underneath. I can be so shallow. I think most women can be, even if they don’t admit it. We all look at other women: their body shape, the clothes they wear, the way they cut their hair, what make-up they have on. I’m not kidding; we are judgmental whether we admit it out loud or not. Women don’t dress to impress men. If we did, we’d all wear cellophane. We dress to impress other women. Not all the time, but if we are dressing to the 9’s, it most certainly isn’t to impress a man. Men don’t care what we wear; they only care if we want to take off what we are wearing for them. Mostly.

So when I went from a size 8 to a 10 over the course of several years, it was not really a big deal. But then 10 became a 12 in fewer years and then I started pushing a size 14 and I knew something had to be done. I was pissed at myself for letting my belly get out of hand! What was wrong with me?

I began to work out like a madwoman. Okay, maybe not that much, but I stepped it up quite a bit and had no results. None. Nada. Nil. This isn’t right. Again, what was wrong with me? I exercise. I eat right. I hate McDonalds. I had quit smoking years ago. I was sure that age had something to do with it. I must blame something because I was doing everything I knew to stop this pudge from becoming an entity unto itself and it was still growing. I look pregnant. I feel fat.

In the meantime, my periods are getting heavier (again, click off if you must…wimps) and are inconveniently longer. I sucked it up and went to the doctor. I went for my regular annual exam….that I haven’t been to in 15 years (Don’t judge me. I had three kids to raise. Priorities, people, we all have our priorities) and awaited the verdict.

Barnacles. Nice.

Now, the sentencing: They must die.


Yes this is the anatomy of an actual barnacle. No this is not what is in my innards. Pay attention, would ya?

There are several avenues to take to the front lines of a war, none are easy.

I could take pills to shrink the barnacles but it wouldn’t do much for that rebel dangling barnacle. I don’t like to take pills anyway, they always come with too many disclaimers (“it will shrink your fibroids but you will be so crazy that no one will want to be around you…and it might cause a rash or death”) so that option is out.

Because it’s the only one really causing me problems, I can have the dangling barnacle removed, but it would be invasive and if I was going to do that, why not just get rid of the other three leeching bastards? So there it is, my decision made for me: removal.

To have them all removed will mean removing my uterus, which I wasn’t using anyway. Yes, an hysterectomy. I get to keep my ovaries so I won’t grow facial hair and no need for pills. Again, hooray for that. It will mean that I will no longer be a bleeder, so I say that’s a win-win. Also, since I birthed all three of my children naturally, we can go in from there, turn my innards out, cut that sucker off and tuck the rest back in. Easy Peasy. No general anesthetic needed.

I say that sounds like a plan for victory.

Next up: The Dangling Barnacle

Barnacle photo credit: Hep73

#Trust30 | Day something...

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 13:08:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

The Prompt:

Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own?

Actually, yes. Today.

My laptop died. It can be fixed but wouldn’t be cheap and to be truthful the damn thing is a p.o.s. that I gripe about daily. It’s time to suck it up and get a new one. I’m writing from Matt’s desktop computer and although I used to have a desktop I used daily before I got the laptop, I now don’t much like to be confined to one spot. I’ve gotten used to moving around. I’m a kitchen table desk kind of girl. I spread out a bit too much, perhaps, but I have notes and books and things that writers need all within reach. Not enough room here at this desk.

When I started this #Trust30 project, I felt that it might be a different kind of challenge. I was right, and I was wrong. Despite the fact that I was without a computer for a few days, I let the prompts pile up so I could do them when I got to a computer. In reading a few of them in a row, I found that each subsequent challenge was not dissimilar from the previous; same thing only different. Then it dawned on me: I’ve already done all this.

Somewhere in the early 1990s I was in a sad marriage with a few kids and not much future save the knowledge that the sun would come up the next day. In bliss being a mother and in misery everywhere else in my life, I found solace from the misery in books. I read a lot. I read Napoleon Hill, Anthony Robbins, M. Scott Peck, Wayne Dyer, Thoreau and Emerson. It was as plain as the words on the pages. Change begins in your mind.

It’s strange that I can look back to that time and know that was me, that I lived through some terrible and wonderful times, and now not seem to know that girl at all. I remember living in a travel trailer outside my husband’s niece’s house. It was maybe 25 feet long, had a travel-trailer-sized kitchen, one full-sized bed and a fold out couch for my two kids to sleep on. I was 8 months pregnant with child number 3. We had electric and water run to the trailer, but no way to rid waste so we would go to the niece’s house to shower and use the restroom. It was the height of summer in Alabama with no air conditioning. For relief from the heat I would take my two kids go to the library. It was nearly a daily occurrence.

A few years before this time, I had begun to question my beliefs; beliefs about societal norms, politics, religion, life. To be truthful, I am sure I questioned these things most of my life but it was then that I actually challenged myself and sought answers. It began with religion. I was brought up Mormon-ish. Most of my friends growing up were church friends and not friends from school. It never really mattered to me much because we moved quite often and I learned that people from church were much more accepting of new people than were the kids at the public school. The kids at school did, however, cause me to grow tough skin behind the tears.

So when I began to wonder about the things I was taught in church, I began to read. I read the bible. I would read biblical commentary. I listened to televangelists. I sought answers. It didn’t take long for me to turn to history. Context is my forte. So I read about the history of Christianity and then went back before Christ’s time to learn about what lead up to that. I followed religion from ancient history through to middle ages and on to modern history. And not just Christianity, I studied mythology, Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism, Paganism and any other –ism I could find to read about. I was determined to learn what made people believe; what made people live the lives they live. I still want to know and still read everyday seeking answers, molding my life.

I moved on to philosophy and then great writers (who I consider many to be great philosophers whether they have that distinction or not) gleaning whatever information I could from them all. By the time I got to that trailer in Alabama, I was ready to mold my life into something else. I most assuredly did not know what ‘else’ was. The only direction I had was OUT.

In reading these #Trust30 challenge prompts, I’m reminded of that feeling, that feeling that “my life isn’t right. I have to get out of this. But how?” Maybe it’s with a relationship or a career or other situation. I’ve been there, several times. I’m not there now.

So I quit. It’s redundant to me and I don’t need it like someone else might. What I do need to do is share with you what I know. If I’m beyond that, how did I do it? If I have lived through horrors and joys that others might never experience, how did I do it?

So these are the new challenges I will address in the coming weeks and months. I will share my life with you. It will be very hard for me sometimes, lots of things I suppress because they don’t matter anymore, but if it will help someone else to know that life goes on and you can create something you want out of life no matter where you are right now, then I will suck it up and share. There is more to life than knowing the sun will come up tomorrow.

I have a busy summer this year, and posts won’t be regular until late August/ September. No matter, really, you need to get off this machine and read a good book.

#Trust30 | Day 8: Five Years

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 19:36:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

The Prompt:

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

What would I say to the person I was five years ago? I would say:

The next five years will be the greatest learning experience of your life as well as the most taxing. The constant anxiety and fear you have in trying to control everything will finally abate when you relinquish it. But, right now, you cannot. I know this. What happens next must happen and what happens after that must happen too. No matter what decisions you make, they are the right decisions for where you are right then. Know that your children are resilient and will also learn from these next few years and be better people because of these experiences. You will tire of being strong, but you will not break. Things turn out for the best. You remain strong. Relief comes soon.

What would I say to the person I will be in five years? I would say:

You've done quite a good job. You see, you were right all the long: there are no sacrifices to getting somewhere you want to be, only steps. It's good to know you've found a groove you like and are good at and that life is still a great adventure. That's the best part, isn't it? Always was.

#Trust30 | Day 7: Dare to Be Bold

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 19:20:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

The Prompt:

The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.

Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.

The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?

I'm not sure I'm afraid to pursue anything but the "being realistic" part of this is something I can relate to. However, I have learned over the past decade or so that for things to work out the way we want them to (or the way we wish them to work out in our mind's eye) is to be patient and wait for the right time. I don't see this as "putting my dreams on hold", in fact I see it as opportune time to get better at whatever it is so that when the time is right I am ready!

I think we push ourselves to "hurry up and get there" and when we do that we are not prepared at all for what we have created for ourselves. I've done that plenty. It's the big chunks that get you; take smaller bites and before you know it, the whole damn thing is gone!

When I find I want to do something I begin learning everything about it that I can; I ask myself "what do I have to do to get from here to there?" and begin it. I think that's where the boldness really lies. Never hesitate to start.

#Trust30 | Day 6: Come Alive

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 13:27:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

The Prompt: If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.

Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?

If I had one week to live, I probably wouldn't do anything differently. I'd call everyone I love. I'd cry. I'd laugh. I'd watch a movie. I'd play cards. I'd read. I'd still do my laundry and clean the kitchen after every meal. I'd write. I'd help as many people as I could.I might go to the ocean once more.

To be honest, the only thing I most definitely would do that I don't do now is help my family plan for my death, however, I don't believe that is the spirit in which this prompt is written. The prompt is to make me think about what I do on a daily basis; if I am just going through the motions or if I am actively living my life.

Daily, I make lists of what I want to accomplish for that day. These are my goals. I have long term goals, sure, but from experience I know these things change so I might write them down, but mostly I use them as a focal point. I have a couple of 6 month goals in mind all the time and maybe one goal beyond that. To me, I don't want to think about where I will end up as much as I don't want to miss what is going on right now trying to get there. The journey is more fun than the destination.

I think we (people who live in a first world western culture) believe if we aren't doing something to make ourselves some sort of celebrity or hero then we aren't doing enough, thus the "always something better" spiral. I believe you already are a hero to someone. Don't miss your life trying to have one.

#Trust30 | Day 5: Travel

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 12:11:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

The Prompt: Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

I had to sit on this one for a day. This is the toughest one for me yet. I travel a lot compared to most folks and not for business either. I was born traveling. That might seem like an exaggeration but while my mother and I were in the hospital after giving birth, my father was moving us to a new home. Really. I've been moving around like that ever since (I've changed residences somewhere around 40 times in my life so far). The past few years, however, I have begun to enjoy just traveling and then coming home.

In my experience, places are romanticized in movies and books but seldom are they like that when we get there. Also I am in the habit of noticing the similarities of a place to other places and for some people that would take away the newness or excitement, but for me it is strangely comforting. There are a few places that don't really look like any other, Arizona and Alaska come to mind, but maybe I've just never been somewhere that looks like those places.

Weaver's Needle, Superstition Wilderness, Arizona. I took this photo last October.
No Photoshop, that's really what it looks like.

I used to think of places I wanted to go but in the past two years I've done all of it: a cabin in Vermont in the winter; a mansion on the beach in Mexico; hiking in Arizona. We plan trips that are really experiences. I think that's the most important part, the experience. It's not the going or coming, but what you take away from it all.

So you can see that this prompt is difficult for me. I do travel. I do go all the places I want to go. I think travel is the one area that I don't limit myself in life, and I'm sure that's due to being born that way.

Most of our travel has been planned out for this year, but I bet we squeeze in a couple more short trips here and there. Perhaps we can fly to Bermuda for a weekend in the off season. I'd like that. I love the beach in cold weather.

#Trust30 | Day 4: Biggest Challenge at the Moment

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 12:23:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

Today's Prompt:

Identify one of your biggest challenges at the moment (ie I don’t feel passionate about my work) and turn it into a question (ie How can I do work I’m passionate about?) Write it on a post-it and put it up on your bathroom mirror or the back of your front door. After 48-hours, journal what answers came up for you and be sure to evaluate them.
Bonus: tweet or blog a photo of your post-it.

...will post the answers I come up with in a couple of days.

#Trust30 | Day 3: One Strong Belief

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Thu, 02 Jun 2011 22:35:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

Today's prompt is a tough one:

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

I don't know that I have any beliefs that aren't shared by some if not most of my closest friends and family. But one thing I believe that might get some people thinking is this:

Any road we travel in life that we deem a righteous path is also named compromise.

There is no straight and narrow path. There are no definitive signs. You cannot keep your eyes looking straight, nor always up, nor always down; you must continually look around and adjust for the changing environment. You may not want to do anything but stay the course, but the course will only lead you wrong if you don't compromise some of your preconceived notions about where you are going. You will meet people and go places that will change the look of where you were headed and in fact, may change the destination entirely.

You may be on the most righteous path you have ever journeyed out on, but I promise you it will lead you places you don't want to be if you don't compromise along the way.

#Trust30 | Day 2: Describe Today in One Sentence

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 13:54:00 +0000

#Trust30 | Day 1: Fifteen Minutes to Live

noreply@blogger.com (Wendy Hopkins) — Tue, 31 May 2011 19:29:00 +0000

This post is part of the #Trust30 Project. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge from TheDominoProject that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Learn more at RalphWaldoEmerson.me

I have fifteen minutes to live. That’s what they said. So all I have time to do is write my final love letter.

To Stephanie. You are so much like me. You love being a mom and are so good at it. You try to be in control of all your home life and you rock at that too. You care so much for those closest to you. That’s what makes you great. Keep going. You are on the right track. I love you with all my heart.

To Brian. You are so much like me. You work hard and are resilient, bouncing back after every self-induced pitfall. We make crazy decisions, you and I. People don’t always understand (sometimes even we don’t understand) but we always turn out better than we were before. You care so much for those people closest to you. That’s what makes you great. Keep going. You are on the right track. I love you with all my heart.

To Kelly. You are so much like me. You are smart and rebellious. You know things that others don’t and you don’t wait around for them to catch up you keep moving forward. You make great plans and see all kinds of possibilities. You care so much for those closest to you. That’s what makes you great. Keep going. You are on the right track. I love you with all my heart.

To my parents. Thanks for creating me and thanks for raising me in the crazy way you did. It shaped me and shapes the world I lived in.You both blessed me. I love you both with all my heart.

To my Matt. How many times I wished I had met you sooner, and so silly of me to wish that because we couldn’t have been together until we were. You are the greatest love of my life and I couldn’t want for any better. You are everything I could ever hope for. I love you with all my heart.

To my darling friends and family. Thank you for everything you have ever said and done for me. All of you have made me who I was. My life was a great adventure because of you. I hope I made yours better too.

Thank you for making my life great. Wendy.