Here’s what we know.

Bodacious boobtastic model Jordan Carver was in Vegas for her birthday and decided to have a pillow fight with Sin City model, Destiny Danger.

That’s all we know. And with the words ‘Jordan Carver’ and ‘pillow fight’, you don’t really ask follow up questions, you just smile, drool, and mouth the words, “May I have some more warm milk please, Mother?’ Enjoy.

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I knew I felt some type of disturbance in The Force last evening, a gravitational pull upon me staff that could only be explained by the presence of not one, but two new moons in local orbit around the Egotastic! offices, and, indeed, my suspicions were confirmed upon seeing Jordan Carver dining out in Hollywood last evening, her two stellar orbs on bright red cleavetastic display outside Maestro’s steakhouse. A juicy bit of red meat indeed.

It’s not that I want to stare like a catatonic drooling fool at Jordan’s amazingly well-rounded foreground funbags, it’s just that it’s impossible not to. They’re blessed beasts of nature that demand optical attention. Those State Fair blue ribbon melons have caused many a man to suffer horrific kinks in his neck, let alone the kinks in other places. They ought to be registered as lethal weapons; and I’d like to handle the registration process. Oh, dear Jordan, now that you’re in town, won’t you please please unleash those grandiose puppies. Enjoy.

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Was it me that last week announced the final final end to 2012 Calendar previews? I think it must’ve been my evil identical twin brother, Ronaldo. That bastard gets me into all sorts of trouble; overspending on my credit cards, pinching girls bottoms at bars, and, worst of all, recording Project Runway on my DVR. Damn you, Ronaldo. I bet you got an evil twin of your own, so you can relate.

And, fact is, no way we’re not sharing the delightfully counter-culture hottie brunette, Vikki Blows, in her own celebration of the now current year’s sextastic twelve months. Every time I see Vikki Blows, I want to smile. Can’t help it. I also think about running barefoot through a field of overripe melons, but I’m not sure where that comes from. Simply put, we dig Vikki Blows in a uniquely lustful kind of way. She’s different. She’s hot. And she’s a solid way to mark the passage of time. Enjoy.

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I couldn’t bother to remember exactly who Vienna Girardi is in relation to the craptastic assortment of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad reality programming that I would mercifully axe to death any of my own friends who even slipped into admitting they ever once peeked for even a minute at these shows. But I do think she was a winner, of some kind, and mostly now I’m just saying that because I’m once again staring lust over heels directly into her big-boobed bodacious body and I like to believe that women with sweet chest puppies always win in life.

Vienna was fooling around on a boat in Miami, showing off her curvy bikini body and sipping her Bud Light through a straw, which could only possibly make me want to donkey punch hug and cuddle her that much more. She is a sweetheart. Enjoy.

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So maybe that abortion wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Just throwing that out there.

Photo: Splash News

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