I talk a good game about being on brand and if there’s anything that best describes mines it’s the sporadic newsletters that I lovingly coin as weekly when they are anything but.

We’re wrapping up a new calendar year and gearing to start a fresh one. I am never ready for the shenanigans of a new calendar year. I don’t like using this time to reflect because it doesn’t feel like an energetic new year. Capricorn, although a cardinal sign, doesn’t really embody fresh new start like Aries does.

If we’re being honest, all I want to do is hide under the covers and daydream my hours away. My work schedule has been grueling and navigating a non-corporate professional environment has been exhausting.

These past few days have been like a trip down memory lane. I was peeping accounts on IG of influencers in Miami and feeling nostalgic about how apathetic I used to be. I miss not having to think about others.

I miss being so absorbed in my own bubble.

I was watching how peeps were boasting about abundance and how a scarcity mindset is what holds us back. What I would give to resume that level of dillusion. The truth is, I can’t go back but I can find a way to bridge both worlds – one full of optimism and one entrenched with the realities of navigating life in capitalism.

If I had to give 2024 a theme, it would be closure and only because 2025’s theme is reckoning.

I’ve been binge watching vintage Sex and the City, reminiscing on the friendship and city vibes that drew me into the series. Watching it as a healed 40 something year old is so different from watching it as a 20 something pendeja.

I’m taking with me the memories of feeling free and leaving behind the toxic attachments I called goals.

Even now, I’m technically on break from my main job as I spend my downtime designing websites, creating content for my brand, and plotting the life I want to enjoy in this new chapter of my life. I’m on track for my masters, I am potentially starting a nonprofit, and faith in self is what will drive my strategy.

Reflecting on the passing year serves no one if you’re not willing to apply those teachable moments into meaningful growth opportunities.

Shedding the ways I deprioritize my own well-being is the breakable habit that has the potential to unlocking a new level of success. I’m curious to hear how 2024 was for you and discuss how I can support the magic you’re looking to conjure up for 2025.

I haven’t given up on mysticism.

I’m not retiring from strategy.

What 2024 taught me was how to elevate what I have. So much of my work and life has been about filling the container I currently have which is limiting. Instead, I want to set a new standard for myself and rise to the occasion.

Are you willing to settle for what you can get or are you ready to strive for what you desire?

The post I Haven’t Given Up on Mysticism appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

I mentioned this to a few people and no one tried to stop me. No one offered an alternative. In many ways, there was a sense of relief in their response.

I’ve come to realize the power in my rage.

I used to think that being unlikeable would be my downfall when it’s actually my authenticity that has maligned the wrong people to my space.

So much brainpower is spent on convincing people to accommodate others who don’t have their best interest at heart that we fail to hold people accountable for creating untenable conditions.

I’ve been changing, more so the last year. This job has radicalized things about me that I was content ignoring and now this election has unlocked an audacity in me that is ready to burn shit to the ground…figuratively speaking of course – because I’m not that dense.

I’m about to do an email purge and I’m currently fixated on developing a business model that can thrive without social media. My echo chamber is about to get louder because the only voice that will be audible is my own.

I understand we all lie to hide truths and I’m willing to play the game if it means advancing my own interests.

However, I don’t like fake people.

There are the ones who blatantly lie in your face and the ones who pretend to be someone they think they need to be in order to fleece you of your hard earned coins.

I lost followers/subscribers when I spoke out against the bullshit of being self-made. I was never a “love and light” kind of person. I don’t throw up IG captions to show solidarity.

True alliances is demonstrated in meaningful acts of service, not as an expression of lip service with strangers online.

There is no other great act of loyalty than casting your vote for people who are positioning themselves to lead a global community.

Maybe I wasn’t assertive enough about this but Latinos are not a voting block. They’re an amalgamation of crabs in bucket, fighting their way to the top regardless of how much sabotage is needed to succeed.

The ease that many of my ethnic comeierdas are able to use this week to center their capitalistic ambitions should tell you everything you need to know about what it means to be in community with people who are only communal when it benefits them.

I have always struggled with building community. I know a lot of people but can count on maybe two hands who I would consider a genuine friend. I’ve always had a visceral response to thought leaders saying I needed to build community to thrive with my hustle. I couldn’t understand why until this past week.

I’m writing this as Gladiator is playing in the background. The similarities are not lost on me.

We don’t want leaders. We follow individuals who feel entitled to the spoils of our labor. We worship anger and rage because we’re a traumatized world and abuse is that familiar hug that keeps us feeling protected even when we logically know it’s bullshit.

The duality of my daily lived experience is such that I get to observe the collective society while juxtaposing that with the insular view of working in a transfer high school.

In both worlds, there are leaders who command respect but don’t get the recognition for their sacrifice. There are also leaders who feel entitled to that same respect without putting in the sweat equity to earn it.

Maybe things will be different in the next few weeks. Maybe this is how it will always be. There is one X factor in chaos and that is our decision to embolden it through acceptance or resist it. I’m still waiting to fully embody the resistance leader persona.

I feel like my storytelling voice is there but I need my emotional center to completely die in order to resurrect as the angry phoenix that is ansy within my spirit.

The post Unlocking My Villain Era appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

My BFF casually mentioned this in a conversation and it struck a nerve with me. So much of my work as a strategist has been about empowering others to acknowledge and embody their potential, against their own self-sabotage. I’ve always felt like I’ve wanted their success more than them…more than my own.

“Maybe it’s a trauma response” is always how I talk myself out of emotional overwhelm because something in me felt a need to justify my worth through output. But therapy has healed so much and working with young adults made me see how much of a great mom I would have been.

In that experience, and in the same breathe, it also shows me how much further I still have to go with healing an inner wound of validation.

I don’t toot my own horn as much as I should and when I do, it’s with people who haven’t gone through the journey of embracing their own power. So it comes off as arrogance, bravado, and pretenciousness which leads to a one-way ticket to “unlikeable-landia.”

The more I work with people the more I realize how much I avoided conflict and mediocrity. I don’t like working with people who don’t have the desire or competency to contribute in a meaningful way. I think about clients I’ve worked with who didn’t want to do the work and see the similarities with co-workers who skirt accountability.

I’m leaning into a space where I am singularly focused on my own growth potential and success journey. Not as a petty response to conflict but as an acknowledgement that my magic needs to be audacious in it’s expression, devoid of ego and distractions.

I can take on the responsibilities of others or I can focus on shining my own light without permission or fucks to give.

I can center the shortcomings of others as my own or I can allow others the space they need to figure it out for themselves. I can go out of my way and spend hours building someone else’s brand and business or I can shift gears and advocate for my expertise.

We all choose who we want to be by the choices we make on a consistent basis and confronting the ways we shrink to allow others to expand is not altruistic. Self-sacrificing is selfish because it devalues the contributions we are beyond capable of contributing.

I can’t want others to thrive more than me.

Here’s to honoring a season of bravado.

The post Teaching Bravado appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

There is nothing easy about spending hours to write a thorough and fleshed out elaborate discussion post and lose points because you forgot to include citations in the responses.

I got 3 hours of sleep last night and just had a cookie to help with my dreams. I’m beyond exhausted and get to spend my days with an organization that inspires me to resume freelancing FT.

I forgot how mentally and spiritually exhausting it was to work with people who prioritize complacency while working in a field that requires a sense of duty and urgency.

What they don’t tell you about pursuing a career with meaningful impact is how much those industries are filled with people who don’t care enough about how their lack of work ethic affects the quality of services for people who deserve better.

It’s hard for me to not see how damaging STILL the dynamic of white saviors who comprise the majority of leadership positions in “community” organizations are causing as they “allegedly” aim to serve brown and black people. When it comes to supporting the adults in the room, there is always a fix to the problem. Yet, that same “whatever it takes” attitude rarely trickle down to the students.

I’d love to write a book one day about my experiences working at a CBO within an urban school setting.

I have a theory that is rooted in my observation of watching how these people roll.

Organizations serve as gatekeepers for marginalized communities trying to survive within a complex society.

Rather than facilitate ease and accessibility, they create gridlocks and bottlenecks that exacerbate social conditions which reinforce the manufactured need for the CBOs. It’s hella frustrating to watch because of how fondly I’ve come to regard the students I work with.

Things don’t need to be this way…but they do if an organization is going to have any kind of leverage to keep the money flowing.

I use the term organization loosely because systems are upheld by people who are invested in maintaining them. Disarray and apathy cannot survive without individuals benefitting from it.

I say all of this as I ride a train to work, barely able to stay awake, because my body is crying out about how unsustainable all of this is for my well-being.

I can only put so much on others before I have to acknowledge and address the ways I empower chaos into my life.

The post When To Give Up appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

Maybe something like “yo, you ready to burn some shit down today?”

I’m tired and I know I’m not the only one. We’re all making lemonade out of fuzzy lemons, trying to justify why not to throw it out even when it’s toxic to the core.

I’m sitting at the train station in Secaucus because I took the train on track 10 instead of 9 and when the conductor looked at my pass and asked where I was going, I knew something was wrong.

I wonder how many of us live in a functional state of overwhelm. Where we recreate the “this is fine” meme but with work, family, and friends.

I am trying to exercise self-care boundaries and resentment makes it easier to integrate. One of the things I am tired of doing is complaining about people who don’t pull their weight so I’m choosing to stay in my lane.

We talk about “when you know better, do better” but what happens when we know better and stay in that loop of self-sacrifice?

What do you do with the information you gain about how to better thrive?

Do you hoard the awakening and keep it locked inside a jar within your heart or do you break the emergency glass and let it cause havoc with those who are invested in you compromising your well-being?

I love working with the students and part of me feels like it’s because I am learning to heal the delinquent in me that needed to feel seen when she was emo as fuck and having suicidal ideations throughout my teens.

Have you ever stopped to wonder how much of your work is cathartic for the version of you that needed who you are now?

In what ways are you embodying the YOU that your future self will be grateful for?

Earlier this week, I was rooting for the Mets. Today I’m rooting for the Yankees. There’s plenty of space in my heart to champion everyone. We don’t need to refrain from outward expressions of support because of scarcity.

Who said we can’t cheer for both teams?

Who said we have to choose a winner?

Why can’t we all celebrate wins?

The full moon gave me a boost in audacity. Being moderately healed allowed me to curb the impulse to tell a lot of people where they can go. Having no fucks to give is not a free pass to being an asshole. It does, however, give you permission to compartmentalize how you share your energy with others.

Leverage this weekend to recharge your social battery.

Sometimes falling back is code for leaping forward.

The post Functional State of Overwhelm appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

In many ways, I’ve lost my voice and replaced it with a new bravado attitude where I believe I deserve balance with my hustle + life.

I find ways of introducing overwhelm into my daily life and it’s how I honor the inner chaos that has come to define my existence.

I talk my ass off all day every day which is how I justify being MIA with my musings. I feel that if I speak my thoughts out loud, then I don’t need to share them with the world.

Right now, a transfer high school is my world and any rants are reserved for my therapist.

But my inner world doesn’t stop moving. My inner dialogue has evolved and still feels alone. My inner critic is in rehab and she is trying her hand at healing. I want to write without compromising my daydreams and I don’t know how to create space where delulu and reality can co-exist.

I’ve gotten accustomed to breaking my own heart. I know I’ve taken several steps back but I made a deal with my trauma and sold my soul for a life living in purpose.

Maybe that’s the new chapter of my adventure: finding a way to have it all – peace, healing, and passion.

My not-so-random musings create pockets of clarity that even I can’t deny. Maybe in a few months, I’ll muster the words to articulate my next book.

The post Gentle Nudges of Prose appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

I still root for the Mets though and I’m writing this as they play game 3 of the NLCS. My boys in the Bronx are chillaxin’ right now and looking at all of the turtlenecks and coats, Queens peeps are chillaxin’ with the cold too.

It’s been a hot minute since we last connected and so much has happened since I ranted. I am still working a FT job while juggling grad school, clients, and a demanding inner knowing that is shaking my comfort zone to it’s core.

I’ve spent every day these past 2 weeks with my BFF’s words on loop in my ear as I navigate a workplace that is not built to thrive.

“It’s not going to get any better.” she reiterated to me since as early as January of this year, barely a month into my new gig.

I’ve hesitated to call her to complain about how I’m battling with a mediocre crew and all I can hear is her saying “I told you so” with the bluntness of a stoic Capricorn.

The start of the school year had me realizing that there are not enough hours in the day to be effective in my work capacity and now I’m swallowing a heavy pill that taste like defeat with the realization that it will always be like this…if I stay.

Saying so much by reciting so little is the theme of this school year, at work and with my graduate program.

I don’t feel like I’m juggling. I feel like I’m choosing which balls to intentionally drop everyday and hoping I have enough grace for myself to appreciate the how I’m bad at sustaining perfection.

Once you know better, you can’t return to “ignorance is bliss-landia.” Insight is both a blessing and curse when it comes to growth and healing. Therapy has shaped how I accept challenges so when I say “I’m too old for this shit” it comes from a place of awakening.

I love what I do and I’m emotionally invested in how I create impact for the people who need it the most.

I just have to decide if my purpose needs to come at the expense of my emotional well-being.

This full moon in Aries is reminding us to embody the warrior that carries the burden of authority.

We have the power to own who we want to be but only if we embrace the leadership potential that we possess – no matter how well we hide it.

For this full moon, spend some time acknowledging how you are impatient.

What are you in a rush to accomplish and when did you learn to rush your process?

We’re in an interesting evolved iteration of social chaos. It feels disingenuous to pitch tired advice of how to monetize your passion. I’m not in that headspace anymore but I do have the battle scars to show for my unrelenting hustle in the pursuit of I don’t even know what.

Maybe the ways we produce or perform, depending on how you look at it, is about how we recalibrate the vision we have about who we are meant to be.

So much of the work I do with teenagers is grounded in the belief that everyone deserves to be seen for who they authentically are and not as some manufactured version of a human who’s unmarred by the constraints of capitalism.

I’m often conflicted with how I prepare the kids for the real world because their blind optimism is endearing and yet I still want the blow of reality to be compassionate.

In order to emerge as a blossoming butterfly, we have to surrender the identity that weighs down our transformation.

This full moon in Aries during Libra season is the juxtaposition of harmony and assertiveness.

How are you honoring your peace without compromising your personal power?

Use this weekend to acknowledge how you can come full circle with your victories while also celebrating the shots you don’t make.

Also…let’s go Mets!

The post It’s Not Going to Get Any Better appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

I’ve spent every day these past 2 weeks with my BFF’s words on loop in my ear as I navigate a workplace that is not built to thrive.

“It’s not going to get any better.” she reiterated to me since as early as January of this year, barely a month into my new gig.

I’ve hesitated to call her to complain about how I’m battling with a mediocre crew and all I can hear is her saying “I told you so” with the bluntness of a stoic Capricorn.

The start of the school year had me realizing that there are not enough hours in the day to be effective in my work capacity and now I’m swallowing a heavy pill that taste like defeat with the realization that it will always be like this…if I stay.

I don’t feel like I’m juggling. I feel like I’m choosing which balls to intentionally drop everyday and hoping I have enough grace for myself to appreciate the how I’m bad at sustaining perfection.

Once you know better, you can’t return to “ignorance is bliss-landia.” Insight is both a blessing and curse when it comes to growth and healing. Therapy has shaped how I accept challenges so when I say “I’m too old for this shit” it comes from a place of awakening.

I love what I do and I’m emotionally invested in how I create impact for the people who need it the most.

This full moon in Aries is reminding us to embody the warrior that carries the burden of authority.

We have the power to own who we want to be but only if we embrace the leadership potential that we possess – no matter how well we hide it.

For this full moon, spend some time acknowledging how you are impatient.

What are you in a rush to accomplish and when did you learn to rush your process?

We’re in an interesting evolved iteration of social chaos. It feels disingenuous to pitch tired advice of how to monetize your passion. I’m not in that headspace anymore but I do have the battle scars to show for my unrelenting hustle in the pursuit of I don’t even know what.

Maybe the ways we produce or perform, depending on how you look at it, is about how we recalibrate the vision we have about who we are meant to be.

So much of the work I do with teenagers is grounded in the belief that everyone deserves to be seen for who they authentically are and not as some manufactured version of a human who’s unmarred by the constraints of capitalism.

I’m often conflicted with how I prepare the kids for the real world because their blind optimism is endearing and yet I still want the blow of reality to be compassionate.

This full moon in Aries during Libra season is the juxtaposition of harmony and assertiveness.

How are you honoring your peace without compromising your personal power?

Use this weekend to acknowledge how you can come full circle with your victories while also celebrating the shots you don’t make.

The post Will It Always Be Like This? appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

I am watching the DNC and thinking about how I need to reassess my wellness journey. School starts up in 2 weeks and I seriously need a bump in my Prozac, if I am going to make it a full academic year.

Therapy has a funny way of bringing hidden wounds to the surface.

The ways I’ve been recreating my abandonment with the choice of guys I sacrifice my emotional health for needs to get workshopped by love experts. All this time I thought myself to be exempt from daddy issues and like the delusional Pisces that I am, that too was a lie.

I’m watching the DNC and it’s taking me somewhere mentally. I miss having intellectual conversations. I don’t get any of that at my current job. I miss dressing up and wearing makeup. I wake up way too early to get super cute. I miss being informed. I’m too wrapped up in my duties to check social media during the day. Not to mention, the DOE Wifi blocks it. 

Maybe we’re watching different things. I don’t see speeches. I see stories of support. I see a community uplifting their chosen leader. I see strong imprints leaving powerful impressions on those closest to them as well as strangers. I see personalities advocating for a shared vision.

I don’t want to go back, ironically, but I do want to bring some of who I was to meet who I am becoming. It’s been almost a year since I started working in the Bronx, a direct result of an emotional breakdown that had me questioning my purpose on this planet.

I’m in such a different and more honest place. Gratitude doesn’t begin to describe it and yet I still seek more. Settling for “enough” is not the vision I have for myself and it’s probably why I’m so drawn to watching the DNC. 

I resent the word indecisive.

There’s nothing wrong with checking in with yourself to see if you are where you want to be. Life is short and I don’t get to redo this chapter of my life. 

Watching Pink sing with her daughter. Seeing Gabby talk so freely. Even the Chicks brought me back to my 20s. People evolve and accomplish life milestones and I’m over here still trying to figure out when my real life is set to begin. I don’t want to make too many big moves during a Mercury Retrograde transit but I am taking notes with this Virgo energy so that I am not getting complacent with my own mediocrity. 

to be continued…

The post You Say Indecisive Like It’s a Bad Thing appeared first on Vicky Ayala.

I am practicing with you and on the days I’m self aware enough, I don’t feel so defeated and alone. I know you are not reciprocal because you don’t have the depth to match my devotion. And that’s ok.

I am only practicing so that I can remind myself the extent of my love capacity.

I am practicing with you and on the days that I forget you don’t share the same connection, I am challenged to explore the ways I feel inadequate. As if my worth was determined by someone who doesn’t value my presence at market value. 

I am practicing with you so I can break free from the notion that I am unloveable despite your rejection proving me wrong. Some days I feel the distance and other days I feel the fake intimacy because I want to, against my own best judgement.

I am practicing with you until you no longer have the capacity to stand tall on the pedestal I created in my head because I don’t want to imagine a life where I looking for a statue that doesn’t exist.

The post Platonically in Love appeared first on Vicky Ayala.