Vicissitudes of Life

Where I am now

2013-01-25T04:11:00.000+08:00

Where am I now?

In the field of love, that's it.

I'm good now I guess, finally able to detach myself from what has happened from the person itself.

I can be normal around the person again, and not associate him with bad memories and emotions.

Memories, I still remember.

Emotions, I still know how they felt.

But now it's just like a bad television drama that I sometimes cry watching but somehow the male lead's face is censored.

All is good now, I'm in complete control again for the first time in 5 years.

I start to feel things again, but I feel like fending them away screeching "Go away, you 're no good for me!"

I'm in control, but I'm also lost.

Sometimes I wonder, was it a mistake to start a relationship with someone you didn't feel attracted to despite everything else?

Or was it a mistake to give up on that relationship when everything was so comfortable, despite the lack of attraction?

Then there was attraction, but it ended in a highway wreckage.

Double whammy collision with cars molded into each other, consumed in fires and people screaming and scrambling over each other to get away.

And no one knew what happened.

...

Love is a choice, I've learnt.

Did I make the right choices, I wonder?

But I don't think too deeply, because it doesn't really matter now.

Right now, it feels good to not expect anything from anyone and to not feel convenient.

Brief Update: Too Busy to Write

2013-01-11T02:21:00.002+08:00

Ok to show that my blog is not all about sponsored posts, I'm here to break the trend.

My list of stuff to write about in my Sticky Notes is lengthening....

but i am seriously too busy too sit down and properly think and write any.

bleah.

I wish i was slightly more free to do so. that'll be a nice balance in my life.

Then again, a sentence that supposedly describes Ariens (I'm an Arien) which I found uncannily true for myself too:

They are comfortable only when they are fighting for every breath; normal slow life isn't for them.

Shining from the Inside

2012-12-16T06:12:00.002+08:00

Sponsored Post

Muahahaha look what I got as a early Christmas present from Nuffnang?

BRAND’S® InnerShine® Christmas gift pack!

Each gift pack gives you 2 Berry Essence and 1 Prune Essence, all full of goodness and nutrition~

I wanted to drink it chilled so I put the berry essence in the freezer (cos I was impatient haha) and it became something like a iceblended drink haha!

The berry essence is super yummeh! It contains 7 types of berries - which is good cos you can't get all the essential vitamins from just one type, you need a combination :)

It's also fortified with vitamins A, C and E...which are really important for beautiful hair and skin!

It's true: article, article

I didn't like the taste of the prune essence as much as the berry one (don't really like prunes >.<), but it's still really good for digestion - as my mum would say during all the times she made me drink big cups of prune juice when my stomach was...ahem...not working very well.

Essence means I have to drink less to appease my mum! yay! *throws confetti*

It contains lots of prebiotics like Oligofructose and Inulin (prebiotics is new to me too, usually we just see probiotics) for good digestion, anti-oxidants and vitamin C!

What I really like is that no sugar is added to it - I mean...we consume too much unnecessary sugar already. I don't even feel like drinking juice outside anymore cos of all the sugar that goes into it...sometimes they still add sugar even if I request otherwise >.>

The awesome thing is that the packaging is really pretty and exquisite~ There's even a card to dedicate your gift to that special someone.

Perfect for all the mandatory christmas exchanges we have to do - always a headache for me thinking what to get under $10 lol. (This is $8.90, so just nice haha!)

Why not gift this to someone this Christmas? :)

Get them at Watsons and Guardian!

Merry Christmas everyone! ❤

I'm off to Japan today! Will be spending End of World and Christmas (hopefully, fingers crossed that we survive haha) there :)

Visit to Garena Stadium

2012-11-24T01:52:00.000+08:00

Seeing Him Again

2012-11-19T13:54:00.000+08:00

It wasn't my first time seeing him again after we broke up.

But it was different from the previous times somehow...maybe because it's been sometime and I've stopped consciously numbing my feelings knowing I'll have to see him again.

It was at the wedding of a common friend. We have a whole bunch of friends in common (including the bride) from a program we were in together and they all knew we were together and broke up.

I still couldn't bring myself to look at him properly the whole time.

He was this presence that I had my eye glaze over whenever they were in a direction anywhere near him.

And all was well until I came home with this feeling...

The feeling of desperately wanting to be another person, to become another person...

Because I can't stand the fact that I'm still that same person I was when I was with him.

The same person that he didn't want anymore.

..:)

I want to become someone else, something else...something better, someone that I know will never fall into that bottomless pit again.

Settling for less X Equal Happiness Theory X Cycles

2012-11-12T00:29:00.001+08:00

Photo for this post shall be the nearest galaxy to our own - the Andromeda galaxy - cos this is a pretty airy and spacey post (not that there's much air in space).

As I was heading back to hall, feeling lost in life as usual, it occurred to me that a few decades back someone my age would be married and maybe even be responsible for another life. Then I thought about myself, having a child is like the furthest thing from my mind right now.

Me at 22 several decades back in a marriage and with a child versus me at 22 in year 2012 penultimate year student, lost in life or lots of possibilities (up to you to decide) - who is better off?

I mean I always hear how the government (on behalf of us, supposedly) or the press (on behalf of the government) lament about how divorce rates are so high as compared to X years ago. Well, I've never been concerned about it cos I always thought - "hey, well people have a choice now not to be stuck in unhappy relationships. they are probably happier than people X years ago."

That was progress to me.

It was all good until I realized it is probably not the case that people are happier now. It was not progress. It was simply the case of people not being able to settle for less anymore.

High divorce rates are people saying "I deserve a better relationship". High numbers of single are people saying "I deserve someone better" and finding it hard to find people worthy enough for them to love. Once-unheard-of-but-now-rampant post graduation trips are people saying "I deserve to enjoy a while more - even after I've sucked my parents' savings dry during the 20 plus years of raising me and expensive tertiary education."

Recently I asked a close long-time friend of mine since primary school to join my friend and I in a holiday cum personal volunteering trip to an orphanage in Cambodia. She and her friends were quite interested at first until they found out that we will not have beds but only sleeping bags, and we won't have hot water for showering. They asked if there was a hotel nearby they could stay at but still volunteer at the orphanage...of course there weren't any hotels cos it was a poor village.

A few years back the chinese newspapers kept talking about how the new generation of Singaporean youths are 草莓族 (strawberry generation), how the youths now are like strawberries - pampered and overprotected. They attribute youths as materialistic, having lack of financial awareness and control, political apathy and not being able to take hardship. I saw some truth in it even then, but I thought "hey, well it's only natural to be politically apathetic (not necessarily good per se) if it doesn't seem anything critical was going to change? It's not post-war period where people can clearly see how their choice of leaders will drastically change their immediate future. Neither are we selecting our leaders to fight for independence here. It is also natural to not to be able to take as much hardship cos well, we were born in nice and good conditions. And I didn't see anything wrong with not being able to take (as much) hardship - we are privileged, yes thank you and I appreciate it very much. (i appreciate my reliable water source and plumbing very much - something I learnt to be deeply thankful for ever since my 18 days in a village in India, first time I had to constantly worry about having water clean enough to drink and water for bathing. There were days being the last few to bathe left us only 1/2 a pail of ground water, with bits of stuff still floating inside, to bathe with.) It's only natural not to be muscular if you don't lift heavy often right? But hey you know, when the time comes and you need the muscles you can always train it back right? If some natural disaster destroys the whole of Singapore or there's WWIII, well...people will eventually have to learn how to take hardship right?

I still think that way even now. But now I understand why people were so worried, cos they were thinking more for the people than I was. If disaster or war were to happen in Singapore, people who can take hardship will thrive, people who can't will either have to learn or die. People are worried cos the 3rd kind of people will die. Well I wasn't so worried back then, not until I realized these people could possibly be my friends. There's a huge difference between (1) enjoying the privilege of being able to live in good conditions and (2) having to live in good conditions and refuse to suffer any hardship. Luckily, there's also a huge difference in (2) between the ones that eventually succumb to death in the first face of hardship and the ones that eventually learn to face hardship, the hard way.

I hope my friends are the latter.

Anyways, back to the topic about settling for less... If there's one thing I learnt through my pursuit of happiness through books, it is that getting more won't make you happier. There's nothing you can change externally that will bring you true happiness. Buying yourself something you like, getting a boyfriend, changing your job, getting better grades .etc cannot make you truly happy. They can bring you pleasure no doubt, some longer lasting than the rest. They may bring you other things, sense of achievement, money, reputation...good things, but nothing essential you need to be happy. That's what the books told me, that I don't need to achieve anything more to be happy. That I could be happy just the way I am now, with just what I have now, and even with less.

Wait, note: I'm not saying I'm not happy. I realize that I don't really sound happy in many of my posts, but I think mostly it's just cos I resonate with emo stuff, not that I'm unhappy.

Back to topic. So that's what the books told me, and I thought okay...then why would anyone find the need to achieve so much if they are already perfectly happy with so much less? Why graduate from high school? Why get a proper job? I mean, why aren't there more happy-go-losers? Then I thought. well if I could be happy either way, I rather be an overachieving happy person than a happy good-for-nothing. If I could be happy with less, then I can always be happy with more.

Then I realized that was exactly the problem. The way I thought about things, I was just gonna become another let-me-try-to-happy-yet-overachieving failure. So many of them, running around. Well, I haven't figured out this happy thing myself yet, I'll tell you when I have.

Then again, I'm not really sure if anyone is really happier than anyone else. I've always had this theory since I was 8:

Equal Happiness Theory

The most unhappy person in the world will feel the happiest at the moment of his death. "Omg! I'm finally dying, I'm finallllyyyyyy liberated from this cruel suffering world~~ Yippeee!"

The happiest man in the world will feel the saddest at the moment of his death. "Oh shit...I'm dying...my riches...my family, my everything...noooooooooooooooooooooooo~"

The happier you were in your lifetime, the sadder you'd be when you die, vice versa. Hence, happiness for everyone is equal.

On hindsight, that was a really stupid theory. -.-"

Or at least, a really stupid formulation of it. Okay...I was 8. I didn't see how happy people can die happily and peacefully and that sad people can die cursing and swearing at the world.

This theory is related to how I think that

Life is a fluctuation about point zero.

The more intensely you feel about something, happy or unhappy, the more intensely you'll feel the opposite way. The more you love your parents, the more connected you are with them, the greater your loss, the greater your sadness when they die. It all adds up to zero at the end.

This is also related to how I think

The world operates on cycles.

The universe - from big bang to nothingness then repeat (maybe). The Earth - single celled stuff, hard shelled creatures, dinosaurs, humans, nothing, repeat (maybe). My mood. Pimples on my face. The water cycle. The nutrient cycle. Life cycles. How the current generation is always finding fault with the next generation - it's a cycle man. Art. Music.

You know how in the art and music world people are constantly trying to outdo each other to create something new and unique? They call them "avant-garde". Then out of these that people like, people start following, copying and mass producing stuff of the same style. Repeat this a few times, with different styles until the art gets a bit extreme and the music gets a bit extreme and people get fed up with it, then some smart aleck will either "recreate" or "incorporate" or "integrate" art and music from long long long long long time ago and people will be like "oh wow! that's refreshing! what a genius!"

Then I go pffttttt at the side. But I still enjoy the change anyway.

When I think of the world that way, I am more at peace with everything and don't feel the urgent need to change anything. Except ocassionally maybe for the people I know and perhaps even for mankind, but otherwise everything just...is.

I'm not really sure if this is a good thing though.

Stonewall

2012-11-10T20:32:00.000+08:00

The next thing something like that happens to me...

don't help me.

I can't get indebted to anyone,

and I can't get entangled,

I gotta be a stonewall.

...and when I'm around you sometimes...

I don't...feel...like a..stonewall anymore...

Then how do you feel?

I don't know...like..confused.

Like human?

Yea, and I don't wana feel that way.

Looking Back

2012-10-18T00:26:00.001+08:00

now that I look back, i realize i gave up something very beautiful for what seemed like a sparkling gem but turned out to be a piece of metal scrap reflecting the light.

but now i learn there are a lot of metal scraps pretending to be sparkling gems.

but also many sparkling gems that just need some polishing.

:)

i wonder if i'm a metal scrap though..

Believing in God

2012-10-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

To me, believing in God is an excuse for a reason to stay positive, to believe that everything will work out, to find that strength to carry on.

Really need this excuse right now.

Hi God, please be my friend.

Love Amongst Other Things

2012-10-05T23:04:00.001+08:00

Some love you can't help.

Some it's a choice.

Some seems trivial.

Some so intense.

It seems, it gets harder and harder to love someone as life goes on.

I've had someone who did the silliest things for me.

I've had someone who repeatedly told me he only liked me a little even as my boyfriend.

Now there's someone who confesses by saying he thinks he likes me a little, just a little.

haha...

I don't even know what to say to him.

...........

There are people you like who won't like you back.

There are people whose feelings towards you you don't reciprocate.

Then there are people you like and like you back.

But things don't work out.

End of story.

...........

Honestly, I'm quite tired of this topic already.

Suicide

2012-09-30T23:19:00.001+08:00

Once...he wrote a poem.
And he called it "Chops,"
Because that was the name of his dog,
and that's what it was all about.
And the teacher gave him an "A"
And a gold star.
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door,
and read it to all his aunts...

Once...he wrote another poem.
And he called it "Question Marked Innocence,"
Because that was the name of his grief,
and that's what it was all about.
And the professor gave him an "A"
And a strange and steady look.
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never let her see it...

Once, at 3am...he tried another poem...
And he called it absolutely nothing,
because that's what it was all about.
And he gave himself an "A"
And a slash on each damp wrist,
And hung it on the bathroom door
because he couldn't reach the kitchen.

not sucidal. will write on this again when i have collected all my thoughts and have more time.

Accepting Kindness

2012-09-22T01:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it's hard to accept kindness.

Especially from someone you care about.

Cos you're afraid you'll become greedy.

Greedy greedy monster,

that no one likes,

including yourself.

You Vs. Feelings

2012-09-18T01:11:00.001+08:00

Loved this piece so much.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/you-vs-feelings/#KYXMTZAcjslvg1BW.01

You’re alone again, but it’s secure and that’s comfortable. The days are monotonous, the nights are lonely, but the wounds are slowly healing. Every once in a while a thief attempts to break in, but your security system works wonders.You sit on the couch. You watch one of your guilty pleasure movies and order a pizza with your favorite toppings. This life isn’t glee, but it isn’t gloom either — and maybe that’s all we can ask for. Days. Weeks. Months go by. You’re stronger but you don’t realize it until later. You reflect a lot and feel a great sense of pride in managing to survive being deserted. When you fall deep for Hope and get left at the bottom, you have to pull yourself and the limp body of Feelings all the way back up. Why would you ever want to drop down there again? This is safe. Safe is content. Content is better than miserable. You’re going to be impervious to heartache. You’ll be unbreakable in the future. This will never happen aga–

Exactly how everything has been.

Never Meant Much

2012-09-17T00:52:00.000+08:00

You know you never meant much to the other person when...

even after some time you guys have been together,

you are known as "[Name] [Affiliation] " in that person's contact list.

逃げない

2012-09-14T03:19:00.001+08:00

なんだか悔しい。

今晩は変な気持ちが漂ってる。

なんだか何すればいいのか分からなくなっちゃった。

古い思い出、新しい相手、迷う考え、静かな夜。

早く寝よう。。。

Convenient Relationships

2012-09-12T01:20:00.001+08:00

It's when the person says let's do this sometime but never actually gives you a date.

It's when the person asks you out last minute all the time cos he or she couldn't be bothered to plan you into his or her life.

It's when they can completely forget your existence for a while cos they don't make an effort to remember that you exist.

It's when the person only wants to share the happy times but never the unhappy ones.

It's happens especially easily when it is easy to meet, when the times are good and there's nothing to worry about, when you guys have to meet for some other reason.

All of us start out with convenient relationships with people.

We happen to be colleagues, classmates, in the same society, share the same interest .etc

The difference is we choose to put in more effort for some of these relationships even when they become less convenient for us.

We change jobs, we graduate from school, we have other things to do...

But we still try to maintain the relationship.

However, to some people...you will always be just another convenient relationship.

If you expect too much out of them, you will just be miserable...

...

Convenient relationships

Know them.

Be aware of them.

Don't expect too much.

Adrenaline

2012-09-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Even when I have a headache and feel like puking...I think of going down to the squash court to smack balls...

Somehow I think that adrenaline will solve everything.

But lying down does feel quite good too...just that it doesn't help me get anything done...

P.S, squash did kind of help for a while~

Enchanted

2012-09-08T04:09:00.000+08:00

I was enchanted to meet you.

でも今度は警戒する、便利すぎの恋愛に気をつける。

今度は何が遭っても自分のことをもっと愛する。

今度はやりたいことを犠牲にしない。

今度は分かってる、この溢れてる気持ちは一時的な物で、焦ることなく軽率な動きをしなく、ゆっくり自然の流れに任せればいい。

何もならないかもしれないけど、それでもいい。私は先ず自分を愛すべきだから。

Snippets

2012-09-06T01:32:00.001+08:00

My hall room door

The ex judo vice captain, who has a black belt, said that grappling with me was like "...omg!", that has got to mean something right?

My vice president drives a Mercedes!

I'm gona wear a panda hat to tomorrow's formal hall dinner xD

Project meetings after exco meetings, meetings after meetings...

has been too busy to eat proper meals

go me!

and my wireless mouse just ran out of battery >.<

Untitled

2012-08-31T01:56:00.000+08:00

I see it now.

To you it was all stimuli, you were simply reacting involuntarily to them.

To me it was a conscious choice, actions done and plans made with your interest in mind.

I might have been some sort of special stimuli that elicited a more peculiar response in you, but ultimately, I don't need someone so unreliable.

As with choice I once made, I know I have the ability to choose otherwise.

I'll have fun soaking with all my myriad of emotions, some I never knew I had.

They might have nowhere to go now, but I'll feel the world with them and someday I'll make them my own powers.

About This Yet Another Random Blog Owner

2012-08-30T03:56:00.001+08:00

I usually find writing the "About Me" page troublesome and overly narcissistic, but I'm at this point in life where I feel like I need to reflect on who-the-heck-am-I.

So here goes nothing...

female
22 years old
singaporean
uni undergrad
double major in Information Systems and Philosophy
enjoys philosophy especially ethics and metaphysics
speaks japanese, has a jlpt n2 cert
wants to live/work in Japan for some time, as Coordinator for International Relations (CIR) under JET program?
Singapore Participating Youth (SPY) of 2011 batch of Ship for South East Youth Asian Programme (SSEAYP)
runs a travel, transport and interpretation business with a friend
likes iceskating and wants to learn figure skating someday
judo noob and enthusiast (just started not long ago)
owns a bunch of IT certs (ok la not a bunch..just a few lol) that she doesn't even know she will use or not - ITIL, CAPM and CEH (soon...)
facilitator for Explorations in Ethnicity (EiE) Course under onepeople.sg
volunteers at HCA Hospice, now helping out with their StarPals Launch Event on 20th Oct
plays squash to destress, played squash for school in JC, playing squash for block, hall and faculty in uni
sudden thought: would like to be graded in squash some day
president of nus mensa...grooming successor in progress
volunteers with the i.CARE project in NUS
does ad hoc tour guide and translation/interpretation jobs (english-japanese)
aspiring cheerleader
launched HeartBeats, an ongoing volunteer project that teaches Youths-at-Risk a new skill - kompang, and encourages them to contribute back to the society by providing them avenues to perform at homes and hospices, with 4 other team members under the NUS LEAD program
has been giving tuition since as long as she can remember
enjoys writing...is thinking of doing some serious writing but have yet to find the time for it
plays guitar and sings songs she likes when she feels like it
...and has no idea who she is. she is just going out there to do everything until she finds something ...

Famous Last Words

2012-08-27T01:50:00.000+08:00

君は元気にやってるか、それともあまり良くないか、もう私には関係ないです。

君はこれからいっぱいなことをするか、それとも何もしないか、私はもう気にしない。

君はこの人生で出世するか、失敗になるか、私はもう動揺しない。

君が好き何だけど、今でも好きな気持ちが残ってるかもしれないけど。。。

これからは君じゃなくて、自分を愛する。

将来どこかにきっともっといい人に出会う。

さようなら。

Stay Awhile

2012-08-25T12:13:00.000+08:00

別れた後君は私に声を掛け続けている。様子を聞いたり、何で急がしいとか、健康のこととか、色々関心してくれている。

そんなことしなくていい。そんなことしたら私の心が揺れるだけです。

君のこと好きなのは仕様がないことかもしれないが、君を愛するのは私の選択だったのです。君が別れようって選んだけど、私は本当に平気です。自分でもいい人生が生きられる。本当は君がいないともっともっとしたいことがある。

今になって、別れた故に、私のこと諦めた故に、君を愛することから開放した故に、動揺させないでください。

Kiss You Inside Out

2012-08-20T16:09:00.001+08:00

So in love with Hedley now.

Shall get a bf called Hedley, since I gave myself the name Hayley. We could be Hayley x Hedley.

Lol.

---------------------------------

Was made to review my calendar for the past year to do my ELITe Progress Report...

It still hurts, looking at all the yellow labels I recorded to remember all the moments I spent with you.

Maybe it isn't so good to remember.

Maybe it was better to wonder what happened to all my time the past year.

Some where, some place, we went wrong.

But at least now I can use my yellow labels for something else.

Not Good Enough

2012-08-17T23:31:00.004+08:00

Not good enough for you.

Used to be good enough for someone.

Now learning to be good enough for myself.

----------------------------------------------------

A little something else

A student from the first batch of students I facilitated at a polytechnic posed this question on facebook:

Wat do u do? When u realise that nothing will ever go right for you? When you are at the endpoint and know you have nothing else left for you? What do you do?

And my reply was a piece of advice I felt that I should take myself:

you don't really know. you just think you know. you feel like you know...cos the pitch black darkness in front is all you can see now. walk a little further, treat yourself a little better, let loose a little more, cut yourself a bit more slack, do whatever...just walk a bit more until you see something more than that enveloping darkness you feel ~

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Aja Aja Fighting!