Van Damme DOJO

Van Damme Friday Video Clip: Capri Pants for Men Edition

2009-08-21T09:25:00.013-05:00

T.G.I.V.D.D.F.What's the best thing about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Obviously, number one is his butt cheeks. And two is his splits. But tied for third, with his spin kicks, is his dancing. That's why on Friday, the best day of the week, the DOJO celebrates the tied-for-third best thing about JCVD.Thank GodIt's Van DammeDancing Friday!Two dudes are working out together in the gym, sweaty and

More Jean-Claude Van Damme facts about his dancing, splits and boners: all unknown and (not) true.

2009-05-08T07:01:00.011-05:00

Normally at the end of the work week here at the DOJO, we celebrate T.G.I.V.D.D.F. (Thank God It's Van Damme Dancing Fridays). Why? You tell me why wouldn't we celebrate the Dance Moves Seen 'Round the World from the action classic Kickboxer, the numerous YouTube videos of them having been viewed millions of times. No, seriously, I want you to tell me why you're deciding to just sit there in your

Channing Tatum in Fighting movie trailer versus Jean-Claude Van Damme's Lionheart a.k.a. Wrong Bet

2009-04-24T23:27:00.009-05:00

"When the streets are a jungle...there can only be one king." That's the tagline of Jean-Claude Van Damme's revenge-plotted action classic Lionheart (known outside the US as Wrong Bet), which seems to have been unofficially remade by Misher Films as Fighting, starring Channing Tatum, also a movie about the underground street fighting scene—a scene that has no rules, except that the ring must be

My first time drinking beer: Getting drunk, so cool! Slipping in a vomit pool, not so much.

2009-04-20T19:59:00.011-05:00

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." A quote widely attributed to Benjamin Franklin. Is it true, though, that he said it? Scholarly types say no. But they're missing the point—the quote is true, regardless its source.I first discovered the proof of God's love from my Uncle Larry—a man with as many ex-wives as there are living ex-presidents—while at a wedding reception, the

Uses for cheap vodka? Alternative household cleaner that's relatively expensive.

2009-04-18T19:02:00.015-05:00

Like the Dude from The Big Lebowski, I use vodka for one reason: making the milkshake of cocktails, the White Russian (or Caucasian, as the Dude calls it in the Coen brothers' cult classic). Except, instead of adding half and half cream and its in-the-teens percentage fat, I pour 1% low-fat milk in with the coffee liqueur and vodka—you could call it a Slim Russian (or Slimcasian). I'm trying to

Mustache contest trophies handed out to handlebar-wearing competition winners. Or losers?

2009-03-30T21:37:00.008-05:00

I've only won two trophies in my lifetime, neither of which was for the mustache I began growing in the seventh grade in honor of Eric Sloane, the perm-wearing brother of Jean-Claude Van Damme in the movie Kickboxer—a man whose legs were paralyzed by Tong Po in the ring, but whose mustache remained undefeated the world over.My first trophy was from a dance contest I won while on a Carnival cruise

What are Mom Jeans? Oprah, SNL and Jessica Simpson show you the high-waisted answer.

2009-03-28T12:24:00.021-05:00

Get here by Googling "what are mom jeans"? Then it's highly likely you're wearing them as you read this. Take a look down. Do your jeans taper toward the ankle? Does the zipper come up to your belly button? Are you nodding?I'm guessing that you, probable Mom Jean-wearer, are a fan of Oprah; so let me quote the website of the Queen of Momlandia, www.oprah.com, which offers its own Mom Jeans

Guinness panties with beer logo on butt: Guinn-ass?

2009-03-24T22:18:00.021-05:00

I recently blogged about the four lowest calorie light beers available at your nearby grocery store, most likely refrigerated behind those glass doors that I can never figure out whether to pull, push or slide. Featured on the list are MGD 64, Michelob Ultra, Amstel Light and Beck's Premier Light.Definitely a light beer drinker. And a virgin.The winner? My judgment was that all four equally

Videos of Bill Hader as Lil Kevin in MTV's Human Giant from Season 2 Episodes

2009-03-22T09:27:00.016-05:00

While recently Googling my favorite SNL cast member, Bill Hader—starring in the upcoming Adventureland, wearing a mustache from Pleasuretown—I came across a guest appearance he did on an MTV comedy sketch show, misleadingly titled Human Giant—at first glance, seemingly from the Sci Fi channel's Friday night lineup. Or from the headlines of the Weekly World News, next to Bat Boy.Human Giant, now

What are the lowest calorie light beers? Michelob Ultra, MGD 64, Beck's Premier and Amstel Light. And Butt Light.

2009-03-20T22:21:00.018-05:00

What are the lowest calorie light beers? Thought you might ask that. So I went ahead and put together a fully-leaded list of beers that won't fill you up. Or fatten you up.The Four Lowest Calorie Light Beers**That are available at your nearby grocery store (that I could find through Google)Michelob UltraWebsite: Light-golden in color with subtle notes of citrus, this low-carb American-style light

SNL's Bill Hader stars as Bobby in the movie Adventureland, wearing a mustache that will take you to Pleasuretown.

2009-03-16T20:04:00.016-05:00

My uncle Larry—thrice gold-chained and quadruple divorced, like my sensei, Jean-Claude Van Damme—has always taken time at our family's annual Fourth of July picnic at Millard Fillmore Park to impart to me at least one kernel of observational truth, usually in the form of a metaphor that heats, then eventually pops in my brain while I fire bottle rockets at Larry's son, Larry Jr. (who we're pretty

Campaign chief's sexual innuendo penetrates seriousness of article about effectiveness of abstinence only sex education programs.

2009-03-13T08:14:00.012-05:00

A news story, titled "Many Teens Don't Keep Virginity Pledges," was recently reported at HealthDay News, and then picked up by Yahoo! News.Quoted in the article is study author Janet E. Rosenbaum, who used a different statistical method on previously used data, controverting ealier studies that found pledgers were more likely to delay having sex than non-pledgers."Virginity pledgers and similar

Video clip of Jennifer Lopez's butt in Anaconda: Dream scene in horror-ific movie.

2009-02-23T22:20:00.010-06:00

When I was in high school, there were two things I collected—hand written notes on college ruled looseleaf, returned to me from girls out of my league with No circled, instead of Yes or Maybe; and magazine pictures of Jennifer Lopez’s butt. The former made cry from sadness. The latter made me cry tears of joy—I guess you could call J-Lo’s rear end an Onion Ass.It was before high school, though,

Key exercise to the Jennifer Lopez butt workout revealed by her trainer. And it's not eating tacos.

2009-02-16T20:40:00.019-06:00

Of the six hundred and some-odd muscles in the in the human body, the gluteus maximus—a.k.a. the buttocks, butt, bottom, bum, backside, booty, and badonkadonk (and those are just the b's)—is the largest. That's a fact proven by scientists. My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun. That's a fact proven by singing along to "Baby Got Back" with Sir-Mix-a-Lot.Oh. My. God. Becky, look at

Internet micro trend: Hot girls on YouTube wearing fake mustache styles. Like, for real!

2009-02-13T07:56:00.010-06:00

Last November, in the DOJO's ongoing series Mustache Mondays, I reported about a current Web trend among trendy young women, in a blog titled "Hipster girls steal mustache style; Tom Selleck to investigate." Did you think that wearing a mustache—like pissing in a urinal and wearing a cup—was a privilege reserved for men only? Silly rabbit. As true as Trix are for kids, mustaches are for boys and

T-Mobile cell phone commercial advertises No Derek With Mustache plan, breaking the heart of every teenage girl in range.

2009-02-07T14:44:00.006-06:00

Last year, T-Mobile released their unlimited family plan—a cell phone plan "that meets the wide array of communication needs for parents and young adults alike," according to the press release. Haven't heard of it?Maybe because you know it as the "Derek with a mustache" plan, thanks to T-Mobile's repetitively played commercial advertising both the plan's unlimited messaging and calling, and its "

MacGruber and MacGyver team up in Super Bowl Pepsi commercial advertisement featuring new can logo. It's Pepsuber! Or call it Pepsuberb.

2009-02-01T20:39:00.019-06:00

According to the new advertisements from Pepsi, "every generation refreshes the world." And with every new generation, apparently, Pepsi refreshes its image. Or rather, the logo on its can.And what better way to showcase that new logo than with a commercial during the Super Bowl.The first one from Pepsi that caught my attention while watching was the spot starring Bob Dylan. Very cool. But to

Top 5 photos of Jean-Claude Van Damme stretching. The best? It's a split decision.

2009-02-01T09:09:00.041-06:00

When not making movies, Jean-Claude Van Damme has found time over the years since first starring as Frank Dux in Bloodsport in 1988 to make plenty of other things: three babies with two wives, white powder go up his nose, and his legs split apart like Paul Bunyan did with his axe to numerous tree trunks in the Great Lakes region during the 19th century. How, you may be wondering, did Jean-Claude

Meeting Angus MacGyver in real life turns fan into carboard. And his feelings into a poem.

2009-01-26T20:09:00.011-06:00

While researching for a post about a possible new MacGyver movie (not another made-for-TV one, either), I did a Google image search using the term "macgyver," and it returned over 200,000 results. Definite proof that Angus MacGyver (yes, that's actually MacGyver's first name), although last seen in a new episode more than sixteen years ago, is alive and well on the Internets. And also proof that

A Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonation for an Internet in love with the Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

2009-01-22T18:10:00.008-06:00

Thief. Warrior. Gladiator. King.Robin Hood was the first. Geronimo was the second. Russell Crowe was the third. And LeBron James is the fourth. But who could be all four? Put those descriptors into a Google search and the results bring back only one personage, pronounced as "Ahh-nold." That's because they're the tag line for the 1982 movie Conan the Barbarian, which featured a pre-Terminator

10 Totally True Facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme

2009-01-09T22:49:00.027-06:00

Searching for facts about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Then you've come to the right place. But only if you're interested in the type of facts about JCVD that are virtually unknown—and, oh yeah, that are absolutely, swear-on-my-grandmother's-grave T-R-U-E.Last April, I released a video blog—or "vlog" as the kids say—of exactly those types of Van Damme facts. It was an attempt to counteract all the

Thank God It's Van Damme Dancing Friday! Johnny B. (No) Goode at drunken dancing.

2009-01-09T15:28:00.015-06:00

T.G.I.V.D.D.F.What's the best thing about Jean-Claude Van Damme? Obviously, number one is his butt cheeks. And two is his splits. But tied for third, with his spin kicks, is his dancing. That's why on Friday, the best day of the week, the DOJO celebrates the tied for third best thing about JCVD.Thank GodIt's Van DammeDancing Friday!How popular are Jean-Claude Van Damme's dance moves? So popular,

MacGruber lines and dialogue from SNL video short "MacGruber and Son" with Will Forte, Kristen Wiig and Shia LaBeouf.

2009-01-08T21:31:00.012-06:00

MacGruber!Making life-saving inventions out of household materials.MacGruber!Gettin' in and out of ultra sticky situations.MacGruber!The guy's a frickin' genius!MacGruuuuberrrr!Who's this MacGruber guy? You might be asking. This so-called frickin' genius who, much like a similarly last named 80s TV icon, can escape from the stickiest of circumstances using only his every-ready wits and some

An MGD 64-soaked 'stache catches eye of school teacher, and every other letter on her vest.

2008-12-29T18:27:00.014-06:00

On Wednesday night, I shot a video of myself. On Thursday night, I edited that footage of myself while serving bottles to myself of MGD 64—the beer-flavored water that's "as light as it gets," for those trying to make their piss as clear as it gets. On Friday night, instead of serving myself 64 while repeatedly watching footage of myself, I decided to visit an establishment where someone else

Revenge exacted the Jean-Claude Van Damme way: With fists, feet and butt cheeks.

2008-12-18T21:47:00.017-06:00

Tong Po. Puts a bad taste in my mouth just typing his name, that ugly Thai bastard. For those of you who don’t, like me, watch the Jean-Claude Van Damme-starring movie Kickboxer at least once every pay check period, he’s the ponytailed son-of-a-bitch who puts the Van Damme-portrayed Kurt Sloane’s brother, Eric, in a wheelchair at the beginning of the movie. Such a shame that a man with such a