I have to admit, I’ve grown to enjoy people’s reactions (and surprise) when I tell people I used to fight. Usually they laugh. Most people don’t quite understand it. If you know me, I hope you think I’m a pretty nice guy… I try to be! I typically get along with everybody, and enjoy a good laugh with most anybody. My co-workers think it’s hilarious. I work part-time at Apple, dealing with the oh-most-pleasant people all day long. Once, when a coworker found out I used to fight in MMA style fight, she giggled and said, “That’s hilarious! You’re like the nicest guy in the store, but you could totally kick anyone here’s *ss!” Even better, my manager spreads rumors to the new hires about me and warns them not to mess with me, hehe. I don’t correct the rumors! I just stare coldly at the new hires – ha!

Let me clarify a bit: I didn’t fight MMA, which stands for Mixed Martial Arts and is an increasingly popular sport over the past 8-10 years. In MMA, you use a variety of martial arts in an octagon cage/ring to defeat another opponent. It’s pretty brutal and a modern-day equivalent to Roman gladiators. It’s a blood sport without a doubt. Usually MMA is a combination of striking (punching, kicking, elbowing, kneeing) and grappling/wrestling (submission holds, joint locks, trying to get the opponent to submit by twisting their arms or legs off). When someone kicks you in these fights, it like someone hitting you with a wooden bat. That’s not an exaggeration either!

The latter (grappling) never appealed to me, but the minute I tried Muay Thai (striking) I was hooked. I’m not a violent person. When I played football in high school, I never felt like I was angry enough compared with other people on the team. But something came alive in me when I trained for fighting. I HATE lifting weights, and this was the BEST workout I have ever done – often times doing 100 or more pushups, sit ups, and squats (each) in an hour class plus jump rope, sparring & heavy bag work. I had never been allowed to do martial arts as a kid for many reasons, but a big one was I was small, skinny, and likely to get hurt. That was exactly the point though! The danger element was intoxicating to me. The risk fueled me. Every time I took a kick straight to the ribs, every time I limped around bruised, battered, and beaten, I felt strangely alive.

I didn’t realize this until just recently, but during that time, my bruised body finally mirrored my bruised soul. My soul, emotions, & physical body were union a unified state. I had just come out of a serious (almost suicidal) depression – and had turned my back on God and HATED him with everything in me. I was seething with anger toward God – it consumed my thoughts. I was slowly making progress toward being less angry with God, and began fight training. My desire for fighting still wasn’t fueled by my anger, but my soul was pretty bruised and broken. It had taken quite a few kicks and elbows.

I guess my point is this: fighting/training is deeply spiritual for me even still at this point in my life. When my body weathers a blow, then steps right in and delivers one right back, it encourages my soul. When you’re in the official fight ring, you are allowed to hit someone as hard as you possibly can, and not get thrown in jail. If you don’t, the other guy will surely do that to you – that’s when self- preservation kicks in. There’s times when my spirit gets wailed on for a while, taking hit after hit after hit. We’ve all been there. We know what that feels like. It feels like God/life/karma is giving you a royal beat down. Fighting showed me how to weather it. Day after day of taking hits in training prepares you for taking a hit in the real fight. As Paul said, “I beat my body to make it my slave” your body toughens as it continues to get hit. Suddenly what made you reel before doesn’t hurt as badly or knock you back as far. You can deal with more. I don’t think I need to make the spiritual connection here.

One of my favorite quotes of all time came from the last Rocky movie, Rocky Balboa. Rocky is talking to the kid he’s training and he mumbles,

“It’s not about how hard you can hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit, and get back up and keep going.”

I lost my first official fight. I tore my ACL in the first round and kept fighting on it for three additional rounds. I broke my opponent’s ribs in the third round, but lost to a split decision – which means out of three judges, one said I won based on scoring, and the other two said he won. But I learned more about myself than I ever would have otherwise if I hadn’t. Tyler Durden says in the movie Fight Club – “How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?”

No matter what you profess spiritually, we all agree life is a struggle & a fight. Fight training shows me what I’m made of and reminds me that there will be rounds in life where I take more blows than I deliver, and vice versa. It reminds me that life can be messy. Our lives may be changed by the blows we take, but we are hardened by them. There are times where we may get rattled and even brought to our knees for a while. But there will also be times when we can see the swing coming, and dodge it then deliver one of our own.

Nothing feels better. Trust me.

Oh and by the way, after 4 years of not fight training since my knee surgery, I’m picking it back up again. I don’t know if I will participate in actual fights, but I’m going to train like it! Bring it!

Well, you only turn 30 once they say. That was last Wednesday for me.

It’s been a good, weird life so far. I’ve been a musician, magician, animator, and a fighter. I’ve worked in a cubicle and I’ve worked in a graveyard. I’ve recorded albums, photographed in the middle of a war torn country during a war, and met/photographed some of my favorite celebrities. I’ve loved God with everything in me, and also I’ve hated God with everything in me. I’ve worked for myself, and I’ve worked for one of the most successful technology companies in the world (not myself hehe).

A lot has happened at this very turning point in my life. I recently switched from a somewhat comfortable full time position at said successful company to a part time position so I can pursue my photography more. I just attended the Storyline Conference which discussed the elements of a good story and encourages living a better story. I see no coincidence in its timing.

Here are some books that have sparked my thinking lately:
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller
Love Does by Bob Goff
In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson
Roaring Lambs by Bob Briner

So here’s my point of this post: starting today I’m starting my Hero Project. During my 30th year, I want to meet with my top ten personal heroes, talk about how they have influenced me, photograph them, and share a bit of their story on here, in hopes of inspiring other great stories. Then (with their permission) I will sell prints the portraits to raise money for a charity of their choice provided it deals with changing lives. They have changed mine, and I want to spread the love.

So here we go! It’s not groundbreaking, or going to change society as a whole. I doubt it will save anyone’s life or change the nature of our country. But it’s a start. It’s my practice story. It won’t be easy – Chances are my heroes won’t fly here just to see little old me, which means I need to go to them. Did I mention I just cut my guaranteed (but still low) salary in half by going part time? God will have to be a part of this. I like living in that kind of desperation for God. I want to live a life that requires God’s involvement, that without it would be my ultimate ruin. I think He does too.

By far though, the thing that jumped out at me most was the depth of conveying God as Father and the supremacy of that title. I always knew God as the Father, but didn’t realize that all of his other titles and attributes fell perfectly in line with that as His ultimate title. On a related note, the constant metaphor God uses throughout scripture is family, marriage, etc. All of them are intimately relational, and the church as a whole completely misses the point both in their own hearts and explaining it others. We teach people to agree with a set of ideas and say a certain prayer instead of just falling in love with a Savior and a Father that would do anything to be with us. “Believers have failed to see God first of all as a father. That is why the church is not functioning like a good family.”

There was a lot more to this book than I can write in one page, and more than I can get in just one pass. I definitely want to re-read the whole book again. The story of the bride revealed that I still struggle with being loved beyond anything I do. I’m fine with grace to a point, but at some point I want to contribute. That’s like switching places with Jesus on the cross before He’s about to die. It ends with me trying to take over, voiding everything He has done until now and ultimately accomplishing nothing because I cannot do it on my own.

Quotes from the book I liked:

1. We must find our security in God before we seek it in an activity for God (p.15)
2. It’s the conscious worship of God’s character that conforms us to what we worship. We always become what we worship. (p.18)
3. What things is your mind set on the most? You must answer that question. It will determine your entire character. (p.19)
4. Seeing that every creation does what it is created to do with the exception of man makes God’s dealings with man all the more significant (p.32)
5. Redemption is more than a tender Father’s searching for His child; it is a holy God wrestling with the sin of the world. (p.79)
6. Believers have failed to see God first of all as a father. That is why the church is not functioning like a good family. (p.94)
7. Blessed is the one that desires God rather than what He can give. (p.102)
8. If God has forgiven you, walk like a forgiven man. (p.118)
9. You see, there is no such thing as an unforgiven sin in the life of a Christian. All sins are forgiven – past, present and future. Then… Why ask forgiveness? The answer is to have your joy restored. (p.122)
10. If a Christian fails to conform to the pattern of the Bible, it is not because he lacks rules; it is because he lacks love. (p.125)

First of all, let me give a little lead in into the circumstances that brought me to Starbucks in the first place. Since 2006, I had been a full-time freelance photographer/photo assistant/digital tech/photo retoucher/web designer. Yes, when you’re freelance you must wear a lot of hats. Well, the economy started to die, and I had this beautiful girl I wanted to start saving for marriage with, so I started looking for jobs. I had several promising jobs in photography that all proceeded to fall through. I was still doing the photo thing, but I only made $450 total in the month of February. Finally I had an amazing opportunity to interview to become Gov. Sonny Perdue’s personal photographer. I walked out of that interview thinking I had it. Perhaps when they said, “We’ll call you in two days to let you know for sure, but we’ll start looking to get you some business cards,” I thought it was as good as mine. I also had an interview with Starbucks after that. The manager there said that if the government job fell through, he’d love to hire me. Well two days turned into two weeks then they finally called and said, “We’re so sorry, but we had to reorder our budget and can’t afford to hire anybody right now.” So I called up Starbucks and told them I accepted their job offer, and honestly I was really depressed.

I went from doing what I love, the freedom of setting my own schedule, the pace I was used to, and making decent money (when I worked) to getting up at 4am making rich people’s coffee for $7 an hour. So in 4 hours of work, I made roughly $28 when I was used to making at least $150 for that same amount of time. Or another way of looking at it, I could make more in one day of photo work than I could in about two weeks at Starbucks. But this post isn’t about that. It’s about what I learned. After just two weeks there, I had two significant conversations (neither of which I initiated) with different people about what it means to have a relationship with God vs a religion. I had been there just two weeks! So here is the first thing I learned:

If I’m not willing to work at Starbucks or (fill in the blank), then God is not going to want to use me anywhere else.

It was an issue with Pride. I was too proud to work at Starbucks. Once I realized that, everything changed. My attitude changed. I was grateful (as much as one can be getting up at 4am). This was the most important lesson I learned while working as a Starbucks Barista.

I also learned about working long, and working hard, and seeing what I was made of.

I started working at Starbucks in March. In June, I got hired at the Apple Store. For the first three weeks of working Apple, I was doing about 70 hours a week between jobs. I got up at 4am, was at Sbux by 5am, worked there until 1pm, then worked at Apple from 2-10pm. I don’t recommend working those kind of hours, but I learned I can do what it takes. Even still, I have been averaging around 60 hours a week for the past 6 months. It’s still crazy to think, as I’m driving home around 7-7:30pm that I have been working since 5am. Part of my leaving Starbucks is a need for balance between work and life.

Consequently another thing I learned was Desperation.

Some people think being desperate isn’t a good thing, but it can be. I was desperate for God’s strength; I needed it to make it through the day. I was desperate for God’s Word; I needed it to renew my mind. As my energy depleted during the week and after being blasted by 80-90 customers an hour just for a latte, I had to refocus. My 1 hour between jobs became a sacred moment. I sit in my truck in the parking lot, because it’s the only place I’m by myself all day. It’s where I beg God to renew my mind, change my heart, and prepare me to get blasted by customers about computers, iphones, etc for another 8 hours.

I learned I need community, badly.

I actually came back and added this part, because it’s true. Working so many hours, I have isolated myself while being surrounded by people at the same time. I work, I go home, I eat, I go to sleep, then I do it again the next day. I have become starved for community outside of work. I learned this by seeing its absence in my life. I’m terrible at community, I realize that. But, I see it’s importance and necessity and am fighting hard to get it back.

Finally, I learned to move quickly.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been almost burned by spilt coffee. Now that I mention it, I also can’t count how many times I have been burned now by coffee. I’ve also learned how to fling scalding coffee off my hand.

It’s been a great experience working at Starbucks, but I’m definitely glad it’s come to an end. Maybe I’ll end up back there again, and if I do, I pray my attitude is that of gratefulness, hard work, and eager expectation for what I’ll learn during that time around.

There was one thing, however, that really jumped out at me as a weakness of mine. I’ve been realizing it slowly, but I finally put some concrete thoughts around it. Chapter 4, which talks about Love, really hit me hard. I expected a chapter about how when we love others, we heal, but instead I got a chapter teaching me how to be loved. Honestly, I really struggle with this. “We haven’t learned the fine art of receiving love.” I tend to see my needs as weaknesses, which would just burden other people. But they write on page 86, “Needs give us the capacity to feel loved.” Then on the next page, “Sadly, if we cannot identify our needs, we cannot know love. If we deny we have needs, we will not experience love. If we withhold our needs, we can’t receive the love others have for us. And if we don’t know love, we’ll be stuck with open wounds that will not heal.”

I have a hard time allowing myself to be loved – I don’t obviously push people away, but I isolate myself and accomplish the same. When people do try to meet my needs, I feel I need to earn or pay for their help/love. I don’t want to be a burden. I fear getting too involved with people and I think deep down I don’t believe I deserve their love for some reason. This shows I still tend to visit the Room of Good Intentions from time to time. I am continually learning to be more open with people, and allowing people to love me. It’s uncomfortable and humbling, but God’s way of reminding me that I’m small, and He’s really, really big.

I’m frustrated.

I’ve seen the wind and the waves. I’m overwhelmed at the task God has given me and I feel inadequate. Truth is, I am inadequate, and that’s OK because it’s God’s dream and not my own. So naturally only He can do it.

But still, it’s humbling to be so small at times.

I think part of where I’m getting frustrated is that I’m seeing other people doing this art movement. Of course I should be exhilarated – and I am to a degree – but I so desperately want to be a part of it. It feels like God is using others to accomplish the dream He’s given me (instead of me) & I’m just standing on the sideline itching to go into the game. I’m not in it for my own glory or recognition, but I don’t want to feel left out either.

I have way too many thoughts jumping up and down on the trampoline of my brain today. Normally writing helps, but there’s too much to write, and I have way too many things that need to be done on my one day off. I also know these are just “feelings” and that satan is just trying to discourage me. I recognize this and it helps, but we all get bruised in battle from time to time.

I think one chapter that hit me pretty hard was “The Great Disconnect”. Really it was just one question – “Are there discrepancies between what you desire in your heart and what you are doing with your life?” For me this question has more to do with the direction my heart is leading me in and my lack of involvement in those areas all together. I intend to do more with artists, but I don’t. My jobs prevent me from having the time & energy to do so, at least that’s the excuse I continue to give myself.

I’ve also got to say that God’s timing is somewhat funny. As I started to read this book, we started a new series at Buckhead Church called Your Move which had questions to ask yourself when making big (or small) decisions. I would listen to the message, then the next day continue reading the next chapter of this book. Several times it was as if I was re-reading the sermon from the previous day. These questions are amazing. “Why am I doing this really?” “What story do I want to tell?” “In light of my past experience, my future hopes, and my dreams, what is the wise thing to do?” Finally, a HUGE point is simply put: “Choosing the best path, then, begins with submission.” Or as he later writes, “Divine direction begins with unconditional submission.”

Honestly, it’s easy for me to write about all the things I underlined and the little insights I learned from the book. I could write pages on how I see the truth in these, but this section on application is more difficult, however. Application demands action, and action can be quite frightening. Andy writes, “Prudent people know that it’s what you do that makes the difference, not what you see.” Later he writes, “Seeing it, feeling it, agreeing with it is not enough.” Right now, like most people, I am faced with some big decisions – potentially life changing ones. I don’t find coincidence in the timing of reading this book and the other books I am reading, the Your Move series at church, the development of this mentor group, and the decisions I am having to face. But I can’t forget everything I have read and heard.

I must constantly be checking myself – am I submitting every aspect of my life to God? What story will this decision tell and is it consistent with my past experiences and future dreams? Am I being completely honest with myself? What path is this decision taking me down? Am I seeking advice from people that have been down this path before or from people who haven’t? More specifically, I need to take action quicker. I tend to spend more time thinking, analyzing, and weighing the potential outcomes. The hazard here is that I tend to think I can still in the thinking process, but there is no standing still in life. But in reality, by changing nothing, I’m continuing in the same direction. I must learn to seek God, ask myself the above questions, seek advice, and take action.

Don’t get me wrong. I am glad to be paying off debt. It’s the glimmer of hope for what I’m doing right now. In the past two months, I’ve paid off more than $3000 off my credit cards. But it has been rough. I’ve worked myself nearly to death. I miss my friends. Instead being able to go hang out with friends after work, I go home and go to bed early because I know how early I have to be up the next day (usually 4am). Since the beginning of the year, I have lost the community I’ve had with friends, the woman I loved, the job I loved and the freedom to set my own schedule, the time to spend with God that I used to have and the intimacy that came from those times. There were times I was afraid to say, “It can’t get any worse” because it usually did.

Lately I’ve been reading about Job.  He lost everything he had (family, wealth, health) at a moment’s notice in a game between God and satan. His friends only condemned him, and it seemed like God didn’t give a rip about it. I identified with Job 30:20 “I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer; I stand up, but you merely look at me,” and verse 26, “Yet when I hoped for good, evil came; when I looked for light, then came darkness.” Sometimes, God allows us to suffer. He allows us to become isolated and He allows us to become weary. He allows us opportunities that make it easy to walk away from Him. He allows the people around us to give us bad advice and condemn us.

But God ALWAYS has a purpose behind it.

We don’t always see it. Sometimes we never see it; other times we see it only years down the road. After God puts Job in his place (see chapters 38-42:6) God begins to restore Job to an even better position than he was before. But this is what really jumped out at me today. Job 42:10 says, “After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.”  It doesn’t really say how long it took Job, but God didn’t do anything for Job until after he prayed for his friends. I find it somewhat circular that Job used to pray for his sons and daughters in case they had sinned against God and didn’t know it, and now he was back to praying for his friends since they were all he had left. Even though they had just blasted him over his character saying his sin was why God was doing these things to him. It takes a lot to get me angry, but people challenging my character usually fires me up pretty quickly. Job had to forgive before God would do anything to restore him to his previous place. My curiosity wonders how long it took Job before he began praying for his friends again. Teaching Job about forgiveness was probably not God’s original intention either, just a by-product that showed up along the way of the lesson.

I know this isn’t the most focused post. It may even be running a little bit long.  But here’s my point: Who do I need to forgive? Beyond that – who do I need to forgive and begin praying for? Praying for someone who has wronged you prevents bitterness. It’s like anti-venom. You can’t be praying for their best interest in one breath and wishing ill the next. Maybe God is just waiting, dancing around in anticipation, for me to begin praying for someone specific. I may have forgiven them for the most part, but am I praying for them? He’s not a machine God (If I do A, then God will do B) but sometimes (like it shows in Job) God waits for us to do something first.

I can see potential of something wonderful happening soon in my life. I can see how my current circumstances have pushed me into a very easy spot for me to pick up and move if needed. I am no longer in a committed relationship with somebody in Atlanta and I am no longer tied into a lease. There is a possibility for me to move to another city, one on my list of 7 major cities I want to have an artistic influence in with Creating Contrast. Both of my part-time jobs have sites in this city. And there is a big, big opportunity to be doing exactly what I want to be doing there. I came kicking and screaming (and cursing at times) to this place in my life, but this could be the restoration I have been longing for. But I have to check my heart first. I have to remember this could all just dissolve and blow away tomorrow, but my heart will remain and my heart is His. Who do you need to forgive and pray for?

I’ve been feeling very stifled lately.

I’m working like crazy to pay off credit cards as fast as possible. It’s been good to work hard and pursue a goal like becoming debt free, but my soul is struggling with the payoff. Yes, I am paying off quite a bit off my credit cards, but what am I losing in the process?

I feel like the floor as been raised and i’m bent over with my back on the ceiling. I feel cramped and squished and unable to stretch out to my full potential. Most of you have no idea what specifically I’m talking about, but you can identify.

I want to invest in people. I want to help raise up valiant artists. I want to tell people my story. I want to change lives. I want to make a difference. I want people to know that God can be trusted. I want those same people to live like it.

I’m working too much. So much is happening in my life right now, and I’m learning so much about faith, trust, and learning to truly live the Christian life. I’m learning what it means to be so desperate for God, that it doesn’t matter to me if He gets me out of these situations I’m in as long as He’s there with me. Each new little nugget I learn is like shaking  a soda bottle with the top still on. I want to burst. I have so much art to create but no time or resources. As it is, I barely have time to even write this small post.

For those who read this – pray for me. I have a hard time asking for help, but pray for me. Pray that I find the right balance. Pray that I find the right opportunities. Pray I’m in the right place at the right time and say the right thing. While you’re at it, pray that for yourself as well. We forget how important each passing second is. Each passing minute could be an opportunity to change somebody’s forever eternal future. Each passing second could also be our last.