‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my  80th birthday and it’s today…’

The  bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday,  I’ll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on  me.’ 
 As  the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her  right says, ‘I would
like to buy you a drink,  too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two 
drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’  says the bartender

As she finishes that  drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like  to
buy  you  one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank  you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with 
two drops of water.’

‘Coming  right up,’ the bartender says.

As he  gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying  of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only  two drops of water?’

The old woman  replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve  learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding  your water, however, is a whole other

Papa Bear
My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”
– Submitted by Robin Yedlock

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’

About 40 students raise their hands.

That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’

Three students raise their hands.

That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?’

Way in the back, Awwad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So,Awwad, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’

Awwad replied, “Damn, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”