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The Very Thought Of Him

2013-05-21T08:30:00-04:00

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Gay Relationships - Restoring Your Trust: When The Man You Fall In Love With Betrays You - Part One

2013-05-21T08:25:00-04:00

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in fostering a healthy committed relationship and is commonly known to be the glue that cements a couple together.

Trust is the endearing faith and confidence that your partner will respect you and not take advantage of or hurt you. It’s a feeling that he is genuine, authentic, dependable, and sincere. This connection allows you to be completely uninhibited and open yourself up to being vulnerable and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings—spots and all!

Time and experience with your man has enabled a climate of safety to evolve in your relationship because you’ve both consistently demonstrated honor and strength of character in your actions toward each other and those around you.

While trust takes time to develop and is a hallmark of a successful relationship, it can very quickly be damaged if not nurtured and cause severe consequences for the future of the partnership afflicted by an indiscretion. Once trust has been compromised, it can be very difficult to repair, and in some cases that damage can be irreversible. This article will offer some tips for those couples invested in bridging the gap and attempting to restore the impaired trust in their relationships.

The Shattered Foundation

All that a relationship has been built upon comes crashing down once trust has been violated, which is why it’s typically not a quick-fix and requires a lot of time and energy dedicated to its repair. Maybe he cheated on you. Perhaps you told him a white lie. He might have broken a promise to you. No matter how minuscule or severe the crime committed may seem, the dynamics and the sense of security the relationship once shared will likely be shifted.

Developing trust in someone can be made difficult when there’s been a history of emotional/verbal/physical abuse, when one’s feelings have been minimized or ignored, or when there’s unresolved grief or hurt from the past.

Your family background and prior experiences in relationships can also be contributing factors to difficulties with trust, as well as significant stress, low self-esteem, and addictions. Just the nature of being gay can make us prone to being mistrustful because of the years we spent hiding behind masks or “closet doors” to protect ourselves against homophobia.

When the man we fall in love with betrays that ultimate brotherhood bond, it can be devastating and lead to an almost paranoid state of always assessing his every move and action and becoming hypersensitive to any possible indication of disloyalty to compensate for and protect against getting hurt again. Intimacy suffers and the level of involvement tends to become distant.

( Part Two Tomorrow - "Tips For Rebuilding Trust" )

The suggestions and feedback offered in this column are but one perspective of multiple approaches to dealing with problems or challenges. Information provided in articles and advice columns should not be used as a substitute for coaching or therapy when these services are needed. None of this information should be your only source when making important life decisions. This information should not be used for diagnosing or treating a particular problem, nor should it take the place of a consultation with a trained professional. It is your responsibility to consult a professional prior to making any life decisions.

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, contributing author to GAYTWOGETHER, is one of the leading love coaches for the gay community. As a licensed dating and relationship coach, Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW has over 18 years experience as a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in helping GLBT individuals and couples develop and maintain successful and fulfilling intimate relationships. He holds a doctorate degree in human sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a master’s degree in clinical social work from Western Michigan University. He also runs a successful private therapy practice, Personal Victory Counseling, Inc. http://thegaylovecoach.com

"Love Is Never Wrong" - Picturing Guys Twogether

2013-05-21T08:20:00-04:00

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"Love Is Never Wrong"

"Love is weakest when there is more doubt that trust, but love is strongest when we learn to trust in spite of the doubts."

2013-05-21T08:15:00-04:00

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2013-05-21T08:00:00-04:00

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G2G Weekday Guys - Tuesday's Temptation

2013-05-21T03:10:00-04:00

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The Very Thought Of Him

2013-05-20T08:30:00-04:00

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Gay Relationships: Improving Communication

2013-05-20T08:25:00-04:00

Disagreements aren't necessarily bad. Couples that never argue are often in pretty boring relationships. Whatever the area of conflict, though, resolving the inevitable disagreements in relationships requires effective communicating. Communication is a skill, and skills can be developed. If you are good at verbal interaction with your partner, you may have learned it from watching your family of origin handle disagreements in healthy ways.

If your family didn't handle this sort of thing effectively when you were young, however, you may find that communication is a frustrating or difficult experience for you. Did you ever watch someone try to communicate with a non-English speaker by over-enunciating each word they speak, or by talking very loudly? We sometimes do the same thing with one another. Some people deal with that frustration by turning up the volume and becoming aggressive with their partner. Others of us may withdraw from conflict out of anxiety or fear.

A relationship with two high-volume guys is likely to be energetic but overheated at times. Two conflict avoiders may have a placid relationship, but each partner may feel rather disconnected from the other. You can learn to communicate, even if it feels a bit like going against your nature. Here are some guidelines:

1. Make certain that each of you is present for the conversation. Trying to talk while you are in different rooms or while distractions are present (watching the television, absorbed in reading the newspaper) is not likely to work.

2. Don't assume you know what the other person is going to say, or that you know what he means. We often misunderstand even people we think we know quite well. Ask questions to help make meanings clear.

3. Make sure the questions you ask are real questions. “Do you mean…?” is a good question. “Why do you always…” may sound like a question, but it’s really making a statement.

4. Take responsibility for your feelings. If you have been in therapy, you probably learned to use language like “I feel uncared for when you don’t call me” rather than “You never make time for me.”

5. It helps to be considerate of your partner's feelings. Being accusatory will often create a defensive response. Defensiveness keeps communication from flowing.

6. Listen as much as you speak. If you aren't clear about something, ask your partner to clarify. Another good tip: restate what you are hearing and repeat it back to your partner. That helps you to be certain you heard correctly and it shows your partner that you are paying attention.

7. In disagreements, getting the desired result is more important than proving that your point is the right one. See if there is a way for both of you to get what you want – for both of you to win.

8. If at all possible, don't let the conversation end without the issues raised being clearly resolved. Communicating clearly can feel like a lot of work. If there is no resolution, it can feel like there is no payoff for all that investment. If there isn’t time to finish the conversation right now, plan on when and how you’ll pick it up again.

You don't have to be perfect. Being even a pretty good is enough to enrich your relationships. Practice these techniques and see what happens!

John R. Ballew, M.S. an author and contributor to GAYTWOGETHER, is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out, sexuality, relationships and spirituality. If you have any questions or comments you can submit them directly to GAYTWOGETHER or John R. Ballew, M.S. - www.bodymindsoul.org.

"Love Is Never Wrong" - Picturing Guys Twogether

2013-05-20T08:20:00-04:00

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"Love Is Never Wrong"