Ordinary Life, Extraordinary Living

Making Better Use of Your Brain

2012-05-14T12:00:57-06:00

After my experience with burnout last summer, I've had a fascination with how the brain works. At my lowest point last year, I could feel how limited my capacity was to take in new information. I can still remember one afternoon going into a dark, quiet room in our basement, lying down on a pillow, and waiting for my brain to recover.

Nearly a year later, I'm smarter about how to use my brain, thanks to the book, Your Brain at Work by David Rock.

While I took three pages of notes from the book, here are my take-aways that have made a difference for me:

Build recovery time into the day. The brain is an energy hog, dipping into limited resources. Newness doesn't help. It's why you can find yourself exhausted at the end of the day when you are learning a new skill or coming up to speed with a new job. Knowing this has helped me to respect my own limitations and take a break when I feel the need. In addition, I no longer schedule back-to-back-to-back appointments, hoping to cram as much into the day as possible. Instead, I purposely leave large blocks of time open and plan my work around 60-90 minutes sprints, focused on a single task.

Work your hardest problems when conditions are optimal for your brain. The prefrontal cortex is more like a fine-tuned Ferrari than a Mack truck. The prefrontal cortex is used heavily in our professional life--helping us make decisions, prioritize, compare, and analyze. (BTW--prioritizing is one of the activities that takes the most energy. Do it at the beginning of the day.) Peak performance requires the right conditions in terms of level of stress (not too much and not too little), removal of distractions, and adequate energy for attention. This means doing my hardest work in the morning, when I'm fresh, and when I feel like I'm "in the flow". If I'm feeling tired or anxious or pre-occupied, I leave my most challenging "to-do" for another day (or after taking a nap!) Photo by Andrew J. Sutherland.

If you run into a roadblock, don't persist or resist. I'm sure we've all had this experience--the harder you work on an impasse, the more muddled it gets. Physiologically, resolving an impasse requires letting the brain idle, because it reduces the activation of wrong answers. (It's a painful and familiar conversation: "The answer is not 4. Why isn't it 4? How could it not be 4? Maybe I should try once more to see if it comes out 4...")

Instead, take a break. Having a new insight involves hearing subtle signals--taking a whisper or an inkling and focusing on that. To do this requires having a quiet mind, with minimum electrical activity. Instead of continuing to think about the problem, engage other parts of your body or your brain (e.g., eye-to-hand coordination, fine motor skills.) Do activities that will allow you to see another perspective. I particularly like this strategy when I run into technical difficulties--my computer freezes, a download doesn't work, or my printer keeps returning an error. This happened recently when I needed to download software for a webinar I was giving to a corporate client. The download didn't seem to be working and I couldn't get the webcam on my end to work. After a brief walk around the neighborhood, I broke through my own logjam of thinking and realized that I had not rebooted my computer after the download. It worked. Photo by jmayer1129

Write things down. It's better to use the brain to interact with information rather than trying to store informaiton. Continuing with the theme of a fine-tuned Ferrari, the prefrontal cortex has an amazingly small capacity for holding more than one concept in memory at the same time. In fact, it's downright pitiful, compared to what we can hold with plain paper and pencil, let alone our iPhone. Studies show that the brain can hold no more than 4 concepts at a time in memory and the more complex the concepts, the worse it gets. Give me four things to buy at the grocery store. If I have to remember to stop at the cleaners on the way there, chances are I'll forget one of the items by the time I get to the check out lane. Photo by quacktaculous

Don't multi-task. If you do, expect that your brain will get a lot "dumber". Trying to do multiple tasks that require attention means a huge drop off in accuracy and/or performance. It's as if your brain just regressed from college level to kindergarten, or mastery to novice. I think of this every time I'm tempted to multi-task on a phone call. (If you are a coaching client, don't worry. I make it a rule never to multi-task when coaching.) According to the author, multi-tasking only works if you are executing automatic embedded routines with active thinking tasks. For example, driving to work and thinking about what you will say in a status report for your boss. Taking a new route to work or moving to a new city where the streets are unfamiliar? Better focus on driving if you don't want to take a wrong turn.

Turn enemies into friends. This is one of the most fascinating things I learned. The brain quickly classifies strangers as "friend" or "foe". In the absence of positive cues, your brain defaults to classifying a stranger as "foe".

I experienced this firsthand when I went to my dentist's office to get a crown on my tooth. Just before the appointment, my dentist--the one I had known for the last twenty years--retired and sold his practice to two brothers. Intellectually, I knew that my old dentist had picked his successors carefully. But emotionally, my brain was still saying "Foe! Foe! Foe!" I found myself in the dentist's chair tensing up as the assistant was prepping me for the crown, before meeting the new dentist. Remembering the "foe" default, I mentioned to the assistant that I was nervous. She said something to the dentist and being sensitive to taking over an existing practice, he sat down and said, "I would be nervous, too. Let me tell you about myself, my work, and the process of deciding that this practice was a fit." After a few minutes, my brain was registering, "Friend. Ahh...." Photo by kingeroos.

I used to be driven by the challenge of "how much I can get done", even if it meant driving myself into the ground. Now, I see that the challenge is getting the right things done, in a way that uses my energy wisely.

How are you making the best use of your brain?

For more info about David Rock's work and the concepts from the book, watch the following GoogleTech Talk:

2012-05-06T07:47:14-06:00

You know a word is overused when it becomes part of someone's Twitter handle, as in @janesmithrocks. Whatever happened to imagination and creative writing?

In 2010, I Asked Dan Pink a Question...

2012-04-29T20:00:56-06:00

Two years ago, I sat down with Dan Pink, author of several NYT best sellers, including A Whole New Mind, for a light meal consisting of cheese, crackers, fruit and other appetizers. We had 20 minutes before people would start showing up for our event, in which I would be interviewing Dan about career management. He had just released his book, Drive, in which he laid out how we can do our best work, and why most businesses weren't oriented to get the best from their employees.

I had interviewed Dan several times before, so I was more excited than nervous. He always has interesting ideas on relevant topics and is one to watch for the next trend affecting work and lives. So I asked him this question:

"How is social media changing the way we manage careers?"

He paused and said, "That's a great question. Let's talk more about that when the event starts." I could tell he didn't have a clear cut answer.

Unfortunately, we never got to this question during the event. (That's a testament to how many great questions we had from the audience that evening.)

Two years later, social media has become even more pervasive. And little did I know that I would find the answer to my question, in the work that I've been doing since 2010.

I was fortunate to find a collaborator in this work, Walter Akana, a social media insider and personal brand strategist.

Walter and I will be holding a live Q+A session on Tues, May 1, on the topic of social media and networking, in the context of moving your career forward. I hope you'll be able to join.

This session on May 1 is part of the Break Out of Your Bubble program. When you purchase the program, you'll get lots more, including two recorded webinars:

Networking Naturally for the Busy Professional
How Can I Make Social Media Work for Me? (aka Create Your Social Media Strategy)

To register, go to www.breakoutofyourbubble.com and use discount code, SOCIAL, to get $50 off the price. This discount code expires on Monday, April 30 at midnight ET.

P.S. Richard W. Smith, our speaker for the first webinar in the Break Out of Your Bubble program had our audience thinking deeply about the antidote to burning out. Click here to read my aha's from the webinar, "I'm Burning Out. Now, What?"

Why It All Starts With You

2012-04-17T10:15:12-06:00

It's so simple but something that is easy to forget. Our energy, or lack of it, determines the life we live. When we are down three quarts (which reminds me of what happened to my car last month), not much else works, does it? Photo by paulinaclemente

A friend recently emailed me that she had signed up for my newest program, Break Out of Your Bubble, and was looking forward to the first webinar, "I'm Burning Out. Now, What?"

She confessed that she was burned out and a career change felt overwhelming, especially given that she didn't know what direction to move in.

To which I replied:

"Reversing the "burned out" feeling is the first step. The work to find out which direction to go takes energy and if you don't have it, you're caught in a Catch-22. Just focusing on "filling up the well" again is enough for now." Photo by jurvetson.

In our fast-paced world, we are constantly looking at the next thing, without regard to whether we've got the fuel to get there. It's like setting out on a cross-country road trip without credit or debit card or cash and nothing in the car except a change of clothes and half a tank of gas.

You can't get there from here.

So if you have half a tank (or less) and you want to get somewhere in your career, join me for the upcoming program, Break Out of Your Bubble, starting on April 24. I designed this set of live and recorded webinars especially for people like my friend--working in a demanding full-time job, wanting to do something with her career, but feeling overwhelmed at the thought of what's needed. Start the journey by filling up the tank. Photo by Mulad

P.S. Use the discount code, GAYE, to get $30 off the price. This code expires on April 23 at midnight ET. Click here for more details and to sign up.

PPS. One of the things you'll learn in the first webinar on April 24 is that if you are truly burned out, you wouldn't even be signing up for a webinar. That's good news. Hitting bottom deprives you of the energy to read a blog post or to consider a solution that doesn't involve complete and total rest. That's where I was last summer. Believe me, you don't want to get there. The even better news is that for many people burning out, there are small steps you can take now to reverse the downward trend.

A Time to Bloom

2012-04-08T22:05:16-06:00

Spring is my favorite season. It's a time of re-birth in nature. Every year in late February, I smile when I see the dull green of daffodil shoots poking up above the mulch. By March the yellow bouquets are gracing my front yard, followed by bright red tulips, that are wider than they are tall, and purple hyacinth with its stems of heady bell-shaped flowers.

And now, in April, the tender yellow green leaves of trees mix with the subtle fragrance of flowering trees. Standing beneath the canopy of pink and white blossoms, my mind goes to Sweet Sixteen birthday parties and weddings with sophisticated brides. Spring is intoxicating and transformative.

To an alien from another planet, spring is a downright miracle.

But even more miraculous this year was an orchid in an upstairs bathroom, that had last bloomed in 2009. This year, it started blooming in March and is still going strong.

I think to myself, "Why now? And what was it doing for three long years, before it got up the courage to bloom again?"

Plants are a wonderful metaphor for people. We need time out, a dormant winter to fill up the reserves, a period when everything is brown and gray and still.

When it is our time to bloom, we live in full Technicolor and breath something new in the air that wasn't there before. Perhaps it's a new understanding around a piece of work or a creative idea that burst onto the scene of your mind and just won't let go. Or maybe it's a collaboration that has waited long enough to develop and is now ripe for harvesting. In any case, your time is now. You can feel it.

No matter how long you've waited, whether it's a season or like my orchid, several years, it's a matter of letting life take its natural course, surrendering to the flow of the moment. A friend told me that she sees people in their fifties either wither or blossom. She predicts that I'll blossom in my fifties. I think she's right. I can feel it.

Today, my sister and I took not just one, but two walks marveling at the re-birth of our surrounding landscape, stopping to take in the smells of blossoms that will be gone soon. My sister remarked that spring is also her favorite time of the year. Then she said something that stuck in my mind.

"It's too bad that spring doesn't last very long."

Ahh, how true! And how appropriate that it doesn't last very long, that it is only our memory of spring that keeps us company for the rest of the year. Because when I am slowing down after a busy growing season, and taking in the sound of leaves underfoot, I know that winter will come...and go. While the world is deep in the silent snowdrifts of an icicle-decorated evening, I remember what it is like when the tips of daffodil leaves peek through the warming soil.

I remember what re-birth smells like, feels like, and looks like. It provides me with hope for all seasons.

What does spring mean to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Networking Naturally for the Busy Professional on March 6

2012-02-27T19:38:50-07:00

Part of extraordinary living is having a rich, supportive network. I recently had someone tell me with a straight face that they couldn't think of a single person who had served as a mentor, or helped her in some way, professionally. This person was 40+ years old. What a sad life!

I've been blessed to figure out how to network, in a way that feels natural and results in new friends, clients, colleagues, collaborators and yes, mentors. And I want to pass on my secrets to you. Join me on March 6 for an introvert-friendly webinar, “Networking Naturally for the Busy Professional”. Photo by traveling.lunas

Watch the video below to find out why having a great network is so hard to come by for so many people:

I am not planning on doing this webinar again in 2012, so if this sounds like something for you, jump in now.

Go to naturalway2network.com and use discount code, INSIDER, to get $10 off. Feel free to pass this on to others you know who could benefit from having more mentors in their life.

Staying Sane in an Insane World

2012-02-18T09:50:54-07:00

It has been over six months since I largely checked out of the working world to recharge and "fill up the well". I'm back in the saddle, but there's no guarantee that I won't go down the same path of burn out again, given my previous M.O. Photo by tj scenes

My friend, Richard, who has designed retreats and renewal programs for teachers and physicians, astutely asked me this question:

What are you doing to ensure that you won't end up in the same place?

Memories and lessons learned can fade quickly, once we are back in the hunt.

Here are five questions, courtesy of Richard, which I thought would be helpful for anyone who wants to lead a sane life:

What are my mirrors? In other words, how will I know I'm off track? For me, blogging goes by the wayside. (Ooh....that means you, the blog reader can become a mirror for me when I've been silent for too long. Please. Do. Poke me.) Another sign for me is my body complains. This can be anything from lower back pain to dizziness to feeling ungrounded. And finally, my family, especially my husband and my sister are likely to tell me when I'm off track. Photo by Cea.

What agreements do I have about what I will do when I am off track? It's easy to get the data and ignore it. While I haven't made an agreement with others, I've made an agreement with myself to step away from whatever I'm doing to take a break. In some cases, the break is a few minutes or a couple of hours. In other cases, it may be a day or two. Jonathan Fields in his new book, Uncertainty, talks about "establish[ing] a set of circuit breakers designed to allow you to come back from a quest that has turned into an abyss, to reconnect with the people and activities that add tremendous richness to life and serve as a source of fuel for even great ideas when you return to the endeavor."

This rings true for me. Getting off track doesn't always mean that my work is going poorly. Just yesterday, I had conversations with people related to projects that I'm excited about. I was ecstatic with what was possible and with seeing a way to fulfill a long time dream. It was a real adrenaline rush. And by the afternoon, I could tell I was crashing. I needed to get out of the office, recharge (I'm an introvert on the Myers-Briggs scale), get grounded again. Trying to do more work, at that moment, would be an uphill battle, because that's not what my mind and body needed.

So what did I do? I took a short nap (you're allowed to do that when you work out of your home) and then went for a long walk with my sister. The work in my office would have to wait. Photo by My Eyes Photo

What triggers must I avoid? Much like an alcoholic should avoid happy hour, there are circumstances that precipitate an all out frenzy to do more than is good for me. This is one of the hardest questions for me to answer. Fear of failure comes to mind. If I think I'm likely to fail, be embarrassed, be seen as incompetent, I'll work like a dog to keep that from happening.

The opposite is also true. If I can see the finish line, that overriding yearning to complete something will cause me to push myself past a reasonable stopping point. This is especially dangerous as I gain momentum on new projects. The creative juices start flowing, and seeing something take shape and move from idea to reality can be addictive. Photo by ukanda

What needs are getting met by living in the old way? This, my friend, is a nasty one. In reflecting on this question, it forces me to see where my ego takes control. The old way of living--depleting myself in the long run for the sake of perceived short term gains--is rooted in the need to look good, to be valued by what I get done. I have always had trouble accepting that who I am being is just as powerful, if not more powerful, than what I can accomplish. The paradox is that if I can pay more attention to how I am being, I will actually accomplish more, in less time.

What of my morning/afternoon/evening have I savored? I love this question, because it reminds me that part of healthy wholeness is experiencing pleasure. I want to remember to enjoy the journey rather than only being laser focused on the destination. A little stress is good but too much stress ruins everything. Again, quoting from the book Uncertainty, Jonathan Fields speaks to this eloquently: "I turned my own creative process into more of a dance than a race." I want to dance. Photo by Aunt Owwee

Last year, I would have pushed myself to get through the to-do list. This year, I step back to see when something actually needs to get done and what things can wait. I'm findiing things that I thought needed to be done today or tomorrow were just mind chatter.

Last year, I had an intensity about executing that was not healthy. This year, I wait until the right moment to execute the right thing, when it feels like I'll be in the flow for that particular activity. I'm finding things take less time than I thought.

Last year, I planned months in advance, in gory detail. This year, I plan a few months in advance and wait for the data about what to do next emerge. I have a "north star" but I don't worry about having a map up front for the entire journey.

Last year, my schedule was jam packed. This year, I work in 60-90 minute spurts and make sure I have lots of blank space on my calendar. Oddly enough, I feel more productive. Photo by xavi talleda.

Last year, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. This year, I'm finding that many hands make for light work. Help is coming from all corners.

Life is not perfect, but I have a new equanimity to deal with situations. I'm more grateful. I make time for a walk each day. I'm happier.

How are you staying sane in an insane world?

Networking Effectively = Increased Happiness

2012-02-15T14:29:03-07:00

Say what?

I just made the connection this morning. Over the weekend, I went to a screening of the documentary, happy. It was all about the science of happiness and included fascinating social science and brain science research. Including the fact that when you do something nice for someone else, physiologically, it's the equivalent of a shot of dopamine in your brain. More dopamine means more pleasure and a feel good experience.

One of the principles I teach around networking is "Give first, before asking for anything." It's what all successful networkers do.

Ergo, networking effectively = increased happiness

I've found this to be true from my own experience. Just this morning, I offered to connect two friends together, one in Seattle and one in NC, who share a passion for public health. Same thing happened last week. I introduced a friend in DC with an interest in creating more effective homeschooling curriculum to my neighbor who homeschools her five children. It made me happy to think about the good that could come out of these connections.

Other interesting tidbits from the movie, happy:

50% of happiness is based on your genetics. This was determined through studies on identical twins.
10% of happiness is based on your situation (e.g., where you live, what you do for a living.)
That leaves 40% unaccounted for--an area that researchers believe is under your control.
So what else do researchers say about the 40%? In addition to giving to others, they say close relationships and gratitude count for a lot.

Yesterday on Valentine's Day, I spent the better part of the day baking raspberrry bars and espesso walnut brownies, making hand-writtern cards, and delivering treats and Valentine's Day wishes to my parents and two of my siblings. This was in addition to the treats and cards for my sons and husband and some pretty nifty e-cards that have the look and feel of high-end stationary to my in-laws. And you know what? It felt really good. I was happy.

These are simple things you can do for others in your personal life.

Psssst! If you want to incorporate this approach into your professional life, check out my new networking webinar, Networking Naturally for the Busy Professional on March 6. You'll learn ways of networking that not only increase your happiness, but decrease stress. Use the discount code, INSIDER, to get $10 off the regular price of $37.

2012-02-03T08:37:45-07:00

Had an OMG moment this morning, reading about a new application of Lego Serious Play--for use in journalistic interviews when the topic is controversial and involves a complex social reality (e.g., What is Israel? What is Palestine?) See legoviews.com for more.

I was trained in Lego Serious Play nearly a decade ago by my good friend, Robert Rasmussen. I love how it taps into the right brain to find solutions to hard problems. See rasmussen-and-associates.com for more.

Free Screening of Movie, HAPPY

2012-02-02T15:26:32-07:00

Want to know the secret to happiness?

Join me and others for a free screening of a new film, HAPPY, in the Denver area on Feb 11 at 2pm. This screening is being hosted by a leadership development company, Xponents, owned by my good friend, Deb Siverson. And because you know me, you're invited! Click here to register.

About the movie:

HAPPY is a feature documentary that takes us on a journey from the swamps of Louisiana to the slums of Calcutta in a search of what really makes people happy. Combining powerful interviews with the leading scientists in happiness research and real life stories of ordinary and extraordinary people around the world, HAPPY uncovers the secrets behind our most valued emotion

HAPPY is the winner of numerous awards and is the latest film from Academy Award® nominated director Roko Belic.

2012-01-25T09:34:42-07:00

Great advice from management guru and well-known curmudgeon, Tom Peters, on "Living Life to the Hilt": http://www.tompeters.com/dispatches/012224.php

Yes, yes, and yes!

Especially appreciate the point about "throwing yourself headlong and without reserve into what you were most passionate about—and then riding the wave you created wherever and at whatever speed it carries you." Crafting a big new experiment for 2012. Stay tuned.

2012-01-24T21:06:27-07:00

Just had a client ask when our next appt is, because she didn't want to log on to her work email. Hooray for disconnecting from work and taking time to reconnect to other things that matter in our lives. I'm convinced that if more people did more of this (myself included) there would be a spike in productivity as well as happiness.

Three Books (and More) for the New Year

2012-01-08T14:10:03-07:00

Fresh start. Clean slate. Literally a new year. I recently read three books that seem oh-so-appropriate for the start of a new year:

The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. My third time reading this book, you would think I would tire of it. Yet it continues to inspire me. Written by an executive coach/family therapist and a conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, the Zanders draw from their respective worlds to illustrate life practices that will serve you. Here's what I wrote about the book after reading it the second time: "It's a great guidebook to living well. Full of personal stories, the authors give insight into the best of human nature. Take away: Change your mind, change your world. We have the ability to create different outcomes by shifting perspectives." Photo by Ugg Boy, Ugg Girl

Bottom line: Change starts with how we think about things. Read this book to start thinking differently. One other resource that relates to change:

How to Make a New Year's Non-Resolution. In this blog post by Dan Pink, he highlights a new approach, based on scientific research, to creating personal change. A quote from the blog post: "Force yourself to view every individual choice as a commitment to all future choices. So instead of asking, “Do I want to eat this candy bar now?” (while lying to yourself that you won’t eat another candy bar all week), ask yourself, “Do I want the consequences of eating a candy bar every afternoon for the next year?” Intriguing, to say the least.

3 MPH: The Adventures of One Woman's Walk Around the World by Polly Letofsky. Letofsky's tagline is "Little Steps, Big Feat!" She walks the talk (literally) after having navigated on foot over 14,000 miles through 22 countries to encircle the globe and raise over $250,000 for breast cancer education. The book is not just about tackling a huge endeavor, step-by-step, but the author's keen insights into the best and worst of cultures around the world. In the process, she discovers more of what it means to be an American. This book had a paradoxical effect--it made me want to see more of the world AND appreciate exactly where I live today. Letofsky's journey will inform you of what's needed to achieve a big goal--a clear purpose, a little seredipity, a lot of chutzpah, continually following your instincts and putting one foot in front of the other. It also helps to stop and ask for directions.

Bottom line: Life-changing transformation comes from taking a life-changing trip. Read this book if 2012 is the year of your trip. Two other resources that relate to taking on new endeavors:

Guitar Tricks for a Middle-Aged Dog. In this Wall Street Journal article, the author provides two crucial tips: Take baby steps and always target your weakest skills. Adult learning requires breaking things down into tiny steps and deliberate practice. A quote from the article: "[S]tudies show that we learn new information most efficiently if we spread our practice out rather than trying to cram it all into a short period."

One Small Step Can Change Your Life by Robert Maurer. The main message from this small but powerful book: Avoid the lizard brain (the one that's driven by fear) by taking a step that feels doable. Then continuously stretch into the next step. For example, the author talks about standing on a treadmill as the first step to getting in shape. The next day, stretch into walking on the tread mill for a minute. The next day,...well, you get the idea. Bypass the fear and resistance that would typically be interjected into a big change by creating ridiculously small milestones.

Great by Choice by Jim Collins and Morten Hansen. Let's face it. For many people, the last few years have not been easy, especially if you were running a business. In this new book, management guru Jim Collins and his collaborator Morten Hansen examine a critical question for all of us: "Why do some companies thrive in uncertainty, even chaos, and others do not?" It's not just companies that should be interested in the answer. It's anyone who wants to manage their destiny. With his typical rigorous research (a third of the book is devoted to details on the research methodology), Collins and his co-author turn on its head who we typically think of as winners and losers. Risk-takers, fast movers and innovators aren't necessarily winners. People who hold back aren't necessarily losers. Winners aren't more lucky than losers. The book introduces concepts that I immediately was able to apply to my business, and which I've incorporated into my strategy for 2012. Photo by kevin dooley

Bottom line: Those who thrive in uncertain times are individuals who expect and prepare for the worst. Read this book if you want to manage uncertainty better in your life. Two other resources that relate to managing chaos and uncertainty:

Unexpected Turbulence. In his usual pithy style of writing (that's pithy, not pissy), Seth Godin reiterates in this short blog post the bottom line of the Great by Choice book. I can name that tune in .....

Watch this video of Pam Slim interviewing Jonathan Fields about his new book, Uncertainty: Turning Fear and Doubt into Fuel for Brilliance.

Have a book to recommend for the new year? Share in the comments below...

Healthy Wholeness

2012-01-02T08:56:00-07:00

Happy New Year! At the beginning of each year, I pick a theme for myself, as a way to set my intentions. In 2011, my theme was "Letting Go to Grow". While painful at times, it was exactly what I wanted and needed. Picking a theme helps me stay on course throughout the year. Photo by Koshyk

In 2012, my theme is Healthy Wholeness. After recovering from burnout in 2011, it seems appropriate that what I want and need is a more balanced life, one with more laughter, joy and spaciousness. It also means doing more work that falls into my sweet spot and is at the same time, building a sustainable business. It is about pace, pleasure, and profit.

Healthy Wholeness is physical health, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, and financial health. For the last couple of years, I've sacrificed progress in one area to the detriment of another area. In hindsight, I can see that the "whole" of me was slowly eroding. Going forward, I'd like to be better about seeing the whole as well as the piece parts.

I spent time on New Year's Eve answering Six Questions for the New Year. If you haven't yet spent time reflecting on 2011 before jumping into another year of doing, I highly recommend carving some time out. I was surprised at how much I actually accomplished last year and how much I am grateful for.

What's your theme for 2012? I would love to hear.

2011-12-13T18:36:43-07:00

How well are you listening to your inner voice? I received an email from a friend this morning with just the words I needed to hear:

"It’s so easy (too easy) to get swept away in the momentum of a thing and end up taking your cues from external forces/expectation/desires rather than listening to what you need – both intellectually and emotionally/spiritually."

Thank goodness for friends.

The Voice of a Friend

2011-11-30T12:19:43-07:00

Yesterday, I was talking to a new blogger about "finding your voice" and the ability to "put yourself out there."

When I am doing my best writing, it's personal. I am having an honest conversation with myself. I'm comfortable having "a few flies on the wall", listening in, taking notes, and hopefully, chiming in as well. Photo by ktylerconk

The conversation holds some truth for me. And if I'm lucky, I get a "two-fer." The same truth resonates with others. I am serving myself and others at the same time.

In this truth-telling process, my "voice" emerges. How could it not? That voice is the purest, funniest, wisest part of myself. It speaks with the authenticity and kindness of a best friend. It can also be blunt, just like your best friend can be. Photo by mdanys

Last night, I was in the mood to read in bed before falling asleep. I went down to my home office to look for something good to read. I came across Improv Wisdom, by Patricia Ryan Madson, a book that I've read more than once. I read about thirty pages before getting sleepy. What I noticed as I put the book on my nightstand, and turned off the light is this:

Reading a good book is like spending time with a good friend.

It leaves you nourished, because you have connected with another human being, through their imagination, wisdom, and best self. They have revealed something noble about themselves. It may be humility. It may be kindness. No one ever writes their best stuff from their crappiest self. Photo by Easa Shamih (eEko)

Which brings me to two final questions:

If you are a writer

What part of yourself have you been reluctant to reveal to your audience?

If you are a reader

What's the last good book you read and how was the author's voice like the voice of a friend?

Gratitude

2011-11-23T21:49:38-07:00

This has been a hard year, one of the most difficult personally and professionally, since I started my business nearly 9 years ago. Others I've talked to have had a hard year as well.

The irony is that I'm more grateful than I've ever been. When things are going well, my focus is not so much on what I have, but what I can acquire or do next. After hitting several low points this year--emotionally, physically, mentally--I can now appreciate the parts of my life that have been solid, for so many years, and which I've barely given a second thought to over the course of my lifetime. Photo by juliejordanscott

Tonight, the night before a holiday designed to express thankfulness (and you thought it was all about food!), I am filled with gratitude.

I am grateful for my health, after experiencing days when I could not get out of bed without back pain, was ready for a nap by 9am, or didn't have the energy to exercise. My body has served me well over the course of five decades. It heals itself, despite being neglected or worn down over long periods of time. It does (mostly) what I want it to do, whether it's standing or sitting or walking or biking or yoga stretches or bending down or reaching up. Photo by BozDoz

I am grateful for my husband, who supports me in the work I do, and never second guesses the professional path I've chosen. We both work out of home offices every day, and 99% of the time, we are each other's best friend and confidante. Our home life is largely peaceful--filled with joking, thoughtful conversation, and laughter. I have friends for who this is not true.

Recently, I re-connected with someone who I had met at a conference in April. A few weeks after the conference, her husband died suddenly. He was 48 years old. She spent the summer grieving. Her story makes me remember to be grateful for every day that I wake up and see my husband's face.

I am grateful for my sons. Tonight, my older son flew home from Dallas. He is home for the holidays, the first time since he left for college in August. I have experienced the longing that comes when a mother sees a bedroom that has not been messed up in months, a bed still perfectly made, an empty chair at the dinner table, a shoe rack with fewer shoes. I am grateful for time with him over the next few days.

And my younger son? He, too, is growing up far faster than I ever expected. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to see him sing in the school choir or compete at a robotics competition. I am grateful that he is mature enough to tell his dad to stop buying soda, because he knows drinking water is better for him, and that he cheerfully pitches in with household chores when asked to. I'm grateful for our time in the car, while he logs hours for his driver's license. Photo by aussiegall.

I am grateful for friends and extended family, having experienced their love and support through a challenging year. I tweeted a few months ago, after hitting bottom, that being vulnerable means allowing yourself to be loved. I am grateful to be loved. I know people who have outgrown their friends and who dread the family tensions that come with the holidays. I am grateful that I truly enjoy the company of those around me, day to day, on the weekends, during the holidays. I'm grateful that the friends I've chosen are ones who nurture me, who I admire and respect, who help me be a better person. Photo by Lel4nd

I am grateful for clients and colleagues who have the highest integrity and who value the work I do. I know people who yearn for appreciation and respect at their workplace, disappointed and frustrated by interactions with those they serve. I am grateful that my clients and colleagues often become my friends.

I am grateful to live at a time and a place where I am free to pursue my dreams. I live in a country where formally starting a business is as easy as applying for a credit card, in an age when sophisticated technology and tools, previously only available to large companies with IT-sized budgets, are now accessible by individuals, for next to nothing. I live in a state known for beautiful landscapes, sunny days, and clean air. I live in a city rated by Money magazine as the best town to live in for its size.

I am grateful to have come back from burnout, now living at a pace that is nourishing, instead of draining. Throught personal challenges, comes wisdom. I know people who are on the brink of burnout and those who are in denial, forever tired, irritable, and frenetic. I am grateful for those who I've connected with through shared experiences--friends and strangers alike--and the clarity and focus that comes from going to the edge, stopping, and returning to firm ground.

Recently, I started re-reading the book, The Power of Now. I received it as a gift, nearly a decade ago. The premise of the book is that the only real thing is this moment. Now. Thoughts of the past or the present are just that, thoughts in our head. They are no more real than the thought of aliens landing on Earth or the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. Photo by sarniebill1.

So whether it's a hurt back, a longing for my son at college, discouragement or frustration around my business, it helps me to think about the Now, this moment and what's here. I may have a lower back that is volatile, with temper tantrums of pain throughout the day, but in this moment, I'm pain free. I may be missing my son on a daily basis, but in this moment, I know that he is safe and sound and that my love for him will endure, wherever he is. I may wish that my business results for the year were better, but in this moment, I'm able to pay my bills, I have a well-stocked fridge, and I am comfortable and warm in a house that has plenty of room and is paid for. On some days, I may wish that I was still in my forties, before my eyes got worse and my hair was not full of gray, but in this moment, being 50 feels just fine.

There is nothing I need or want in this moment. For that, I'm grateful.

For my US-based readers, enjoy our national day of Thanksgiving. For everyone else, create your own day of gratitude. Ground yourself in the only thing that is real, this moment.

What All the Money in the World Can't Buy

2011-11-17T10:26:00-07:00

Q: What can take months, even years, to achieve, less than a minute to lose, can hit like a bulldozer when you don't have it and is worth more than gold when you do have it?

A: Trust.

Photo by covilha.

I keep hearing stories about trust in business--how important it is to establish, how devastating it is when it's not there, how hard it is to give. A few examples:

When you work with someone you can't trust, it can suck the life out of you. A friend, "Mary", was brought into a company as part of a turnaround. Six months into the job, she could tell things were off track. Promises for financial incentives were shelved. Mary was asked to do things that didn't feel ethical. She eventually left the company, drained to the core, and relieved to cut her ties. Soon after, Mary was offered a job leading another start-up. She negotiated several months off to recover before starting her new job. If she had to do it over, Mary would have left the old company sooner. Her parting remark: "I couldn't trust the people I worked with."

Establishing trust can be a long, painful process. Another friend, "John", received an email from a colleague, who complained about John's staff and their lack of communication. John had many reactions, including this one: "This person doesn't trust me or my staff." He felt offended, given he had recently redoubled his efforts to partner with this colleague and keep her in the loop. John was frustrated that over months of working together, trust had not been established with his colleague.

Undermining trust can happen quickly. Recently, I was surprised to hear about Zynga's CEO, Mark Pincus, with an adult version of a "backsie". According to the Wall Street Journal, Pincus has been giving select employees the option of surrendering stock options (presumably given to compensate for a lower salary in the early days) or be fired. This is sure to create a wave of distrust that will last for years, not just at Zynga, but at other Silicon Valley start-ups. These are the kinds of stories that are permanently etched in employees' psyches. Photo by birgerking.

Giving trust is not as simple as it seems. While coaching, I was struck by the similarity in two clients' stories, one a manager in a large company and the other, an independent consultant. Both were having trouble delegating the day-to-day stuff, either to a subordinate or a subcontractor, to make time for more strategic activities. Both felt it was often easier to do it on their own, rather than risk an output by someone else who didn't live up to their standards. The core issue for each is trusting others.

Trust = Dignity + Respect. At a large company known for purposely creating high turnover (I know, it sounds crazy, right?), I'm told that employees are clocked in/out and checked for whether they spent a full eight hours a day at the office. Getting fresh air in a company courtyard doesn't count as "being in the office", as a card reader clocks employees in and out of the courtyard. At a smaller company, an assistant to the CEO made the rounds to all of the employee desks at 6pm each evening. This was jokingly referred to as "The Bedcheck." We're not talking about teens flipping burgers. We're talking about professionals who are being treated with less respect than we give our pets. Photo by IDenticardimages.

Having said all this, my intention is not to whine about how bad workplaces can get. There's plenty of that already. My intention is to draw attention to how important trust is in making businesses work well, whether you are an employee, self-employed, or lead a business.

The wonderful thing about trust is that when it is well-rooted in the culture and work relationships, it yields incredible results. A friend who is a seasoned manager and leader wrote to me recently:

"To the dismay of my HR Directors, I have never, NEVER, tracked vacation time for my employees. Not since I first became a manager at GE more than 15 years ago. Instead, each of my employees have very specific goals, targets, and deliverables. I trust them enough to let them determine how they get to these goals. That being said, I have very high expectations and with the help of my employees, we set very challenging goals.

Unfortunately, this environment doesn't work for everyone. Some people h ave not been able to deliver the goals we established and they have moved on either voluntarily, or have been asked to leave with dignity. The vast majority however have thrived in this environment. The result is that my organizations have the been the among the strong performers in every business I've been a part of.

I've found this to be so successful, that in my latest business I have a formal policy for all managers and above of "unlimited PTO". What I've found is the when the employee knows what they need to get done, and are free to get it done when and how they want, they are so much more committed to the business and their peers. Some employees take time out during the day to go on a bike ride, others take a yoga class. Either way, they come back energized and ready to achieve their goals."

Like my friend, I'm convinced that most people want to do great work and will do so if they are treated as professionals--with dignity, respect, and trust.

Photo by DrewbieDoo

Letting Go, Part 2

2011-11-09T12:50:41-07:00

This is nothing more gut wrenching for me than letting go of my offspring, and trusting that they will find their way in the world.

I did that this past August, when my son left for Dallas to attend college. My husband drove him more than a thousand miles to school. As they left, I saw him wave, as if to reassure me that things would be alright and not to worry. Photo by rutlo.

A thousand miles away, a two-hour plane ride or two days of driving. He may as well be on the other side of the world. We established a weekly Skype call to check in, as a way to stay in touch but not be smothering with daily calls. It's my time to see in his face how things are going, whether he's eating and sleeping enough through bright eyes, whether he has the chipper look of someone still enjoying the adventure of a new environment, or whether he's lackluster and getting tired of the grind of being at college and away from home. Each week is different.

Men communicate differently from women and introverted men are especially sparse in providing the detail that women hunger for. Emails to my son are rarely replied to and if so, with just a few words. I don't get sentences, just words--"Sure" or "Fine" or "Not yet". This, too, is part of letting go.

My husband, who is also an introvert, is less able to avoid me when I go into my twenty questions mode. For my son, it is simply a matter of turning his attention elsewhere. Photo by Jimmy_Joe

I have come to the conclusion that letting go is allowing someone to make their own choices, with the repercussions falling squarely on the person who is meant to learn from his mistakes. There is a saying from a mediation class that I go to occasionally: "We are the heirs of our actions."

To embrace this fully, for yourself and for others is a gift of trust and faith. Trust that you and the other person are strong enough to survive the result of one's actions. Faith that in the process of learning, we become stronger.

So, when my son comes home for Thanksgiving, I will be giving thanks for his presence, as well as the journey that he is on. I will also be giving thanks for my own journey of letting go to grow. Photo by kevin dooley.

Who Were You in High School?

2011-10-31T09:40:00-06:00

In doing research for a blog post (really!) I was looking at my high school yearbook. Like all great adventures, I didn't find what I was looking for, but I found something else that was just as valuable, if not more.

I gained insight into who I was, over thirty years ago, and I found parts of me that I had forgotten about with age.

Let's face it. At 18 years old, the die is largely cast. Sure, you may have been known for things that only a teenager would do. Now that you are a mature adult, with a well-paying job and a mortgage, you wouldn't think of such behavior. But deep down, the kernel is still there.

Reading what my peers and friends wrote in my yearbook, here's what I was known for:

I was kind to others. This is not so surprising, as I try to be kind as an adult as well. I did, however, take this as commentary on how teenagers can be abusive to each other and lack sensitivity towards their peers. I think the perception of my kindness was due to my unwillingness to partake in common teen behavior.

I was fun and funny, even goofy. This surprised me, as it's not how I think of myself today. Yet I do remember taking risks as an adolescent in the name of fun. "Teepeeing" a teacher's house and throwing a shaving cream pie in a teacher's face as a prank both come to mind. Now, my moments of rolling on the floor are usually when I'm with my sister, while providing droll commentary on life. Note to self: Try to have more fun. Don't be afraid to let my sense of humor rip, especially while blogging.

I was a good flute player. Not much revelation here. I still play occasionally, but it doesn't hold the same creative satisfaction and milestone of achievement that it did as a teenager. Creativity gets expressed through other means, including blogging. Achievement is still important to me, but as I've gotten older, I'd like to think that I've gained a more balanced perspective.

No one talked about my ability to get things done, or being a logical thinker. No one mentioned good listening skills or being a thoughtful writer. isn't it funny how who we think we are today isn't who we've always been?

What people say about you at different phases of your life (think performance reviews) is a snapshot in time of who you are being at that stage of life. Hopefully, over the years, you bring the best forward and evolve to integrate in life's lessons. I like to think that now, I'm more reflective, compassionate, and intuitive than I was as an adolescent. I also want to make sure I bring out the more playful attitude that was part of those early years.

Several years ago, one of my high school friends sent a photo of me at 18 years old. We had just graduated from high school. I made a copy of this photo and stuck the following words above it: "note to self: remember to play today."

Who were you in high school and what parts have you forgotten that you want to bring forward? Do tell.