Vicarious Rising

Six

2011-11-29T09:33:04-05:00

Wow. Thanks to all who still check in here from time to time.

I did make it to six years on October 25. So weird in many ways. I had a bit of a tough go of it this year -- my grandmother died, which led to increased contact & exposure with my parents. This was fine when I only spent a day or two with them every 6 months or so. Not so fine when I got myself embroiled in a project with my mother that read "warning: you will never be sober enough to deal with their crazy" all over. Let's just say I was overly optimistic about my mother. The upside is that I got a glimpse of just how mentally sick both my parents are with at least some semblance of distance and perspective. And I am sober still, despite how wretched the situation became.

And next time I start to think I might have a friendly relationship with my mother, my husband has my permission to slap me upside the head and forbid it. Thank god that I finally know it wasn't me. And never, ever engage with a narcissist no matter how desperately you have yearned for her love.

On a better note, I've been crap about getting back to people who did express an interest in what else I've been up to. Basically, I've been working on a small start-up publishing business. It's a lot of work and there are many days I'm not sure it's going to get off the ground, but I've been plugging along at it.

It's heartening to see so many of the bloggers I began my sober blog with are still active and thriving. May we all continue to grow and joyfully trudge forward in our journeys.

New Ventures

2011-08-25T15:50:52-04:00

Hi to whomever still keeps any track of this place. I hope some of my old buddies are still around and faring well. I'll be coming up on 6 years this October. If anyone had told me I'd be doing what I'm doing back even 3 years ago, I'd say they'd need their head examined.

If you happen to be still following me and are interested in my continuing adventures in writing and publishing, leave a comment or send an email. I've started up my own independent publishing company and finally got a website sorta started.

Cheers to everyone! You're always in my thoughts.

Five Years

2010-10-25T22:14:48-04:00

Today is my five year anniversary. It feels like I was a different person before I quit drinking. A different person in my first year of sobriety. And yet who I am was still there and could still go back to that lost place if I'm not careful.

My son, husband and I decorated cookies
for Halloween. My kid is a sophomore in high school now, and that he enjoyed and wanted to do such a goofy thing with his parents is a delight for me. He so grown up in so many ways, but I'm glad he's also still a kid.

I know I've been absent from posting & reading blogs for awhile. But I wanted to let people still bothering to check in here (or might randomly end up here for the 1st time) that I'm still sober and able to live a happy life because of it. Hugs to all.

Wish the Post Office Still Sold These

2010-08-28T01:04:18-04:00

I received some seeds I'd ordered for my garden today, and the seller shipped them with the coolest stamps I've seen.

I immediately went to the USPS website to order a batch for myself, but apparently these stamps were issued awhile ago. Bummer.

Just Plain Wrong

2010-05-27T18:50:25-04:00

Spotted on E 51st St in NYC: restaurant/ bar catering to alcoholics everywhere. Hey, there's truth in advertising. Or a name. Or something.

I was kind of disgusted. I used it as a photo op so y'all could see the name of the place with your very own eyes.

In happier recovery news, I snagged a free copy of Blackout Girl's newest recovery book. I'm in NYC for a couple shows and the Book Expo America. I also found out that Hazelden will be publishing the original transcript of AA's Big Book.

I also watched a rather (in)famous author/personality give abshort presentation with a glass of red wine in his hand. This dude is often ridiculed by his detractors as a drunk. Although he dud not act drunk, his face was red and bloated. He didn't look the picture of health. I found myself irritated by his brief presentation. I wonder if I was hoping to hear some of his alleged brilliance even in his (or maybe ESPECIALLY in his) reduced state. Instead, he was just a disappointment. At least I hot a free copy of his latest book.

Shards

2010-05-10T13:12:35-04:00

I've finally started to tackle organizing the last space in my two-year-old home. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this space is my personal sanctuary. I initially set out my home decorating gung-ho in my home office space, assuming I'd immediately want to take advantage of one place that was all my own to escape the normal family shared-space chaos.

But I've found myself using that room little, telling myself that the "me" time can wait until I've squared away the places everyone else uses. I think I've done myself a bit of disservice in this behavior. So - at last - I'm carving out pleasure time for me.

I've decided to take my time going through all my "fun stuff," which is a conglomeration of artsy things, books and other important silly items and mementos that are precious to me. This morning I went through my small comic book collection and sorted everything by date into nice storage boxes. What I found during the course of the years of 2002-2005 was evidence of my alcoholism. My primary comic collected at that time was Lucifer by Mike Carey. In my drunken absentmindedness, I had multiple issues of some and skipped months of others. I remember, in that peculiar way that drunks sometimes do, having intense Deja vu feelings reading the story. Gee, I wonder why. I thought it was some cosmic brilliance and connection to the oh-so-cerebral writers -- not that I'd picked up, paid for and read the same issue three times in a month without remembering. And then when I missed an issue, I'd wonder about the continuity skip. I just chalked it up to the comic writers being clever and wanting the fans to read between the lines (or that I'd missed some obscure literary reference that I surely should have known if I weren't such a loser). Nope. Just a regular alkie with holes in her memory.

I rolled my eyes a lot this morning. I'm glad to be on the other side today, looking at the artifacts of my past.

Whomped

2010-04-24T12:07:57-04:00

My trip to NYC was, perhaps, a bit too much too soon. I did try to take it easy (dining in, early nights, sleeping in), but I still probably did more walking at my city-pace (because, of course, there were a couple shops I just HAD to visit) than advisable.

I spent this week feeling like I'd been whomped by a street cleaning vehicle. Ah, well. I'm still learning to care for myself. I still seem to think that even with major surgery, I'm somewhat invincible.

American Idiot was incredible. A must see. Fan-freaking-tastic. It has easily risen to the top of my favorite stage performances. The set was a feast for the eyes.

A warning, though: major drug use shown in a graphic way. It made me cry. (in fact, my husband admitting to nearly leaking during the song 21 Guns) Both bong and interveinous drugs are depicted (not in a pretty way). One of the characters is a drug dealer/alter ego named St Jimmy who is "patron saint of denial".

Anyway, I will be headed back to NYC next month, and I plan to go see the show again. It really moved me.

American Idiot (me)

2010-04-17T14:01:50-04:00

My first post-op outing is in NYC to see Green Day's new Broadway show "American Idiot" with my son, husband & a friend of my kid.

We're waiting for curtain.

I remember discovering Green Day when my now-high school aged boy was first born and would only be consoled when I bounced him around to "Basket Case".

Another Kind of Recovery

2010-04-09T13:49:37-04:00

Thanks for the good wishes. I'm still resting and healing.

For those who weren't aware of my need for surgery, what I had done was got four large uterine fibroids removed, a large uterine polyp removed and some endometriosis cauterized. I also had her give me a bilateral tubalization while she was in there. The main concern (aside from all the abnormal growths) for me was that I wanted to keep my uterus. The first doctor I saw said my only option was hysterectomy.

So, my body's been put through a little stress, but I'm healthy and healing. I'm off narcotics and just taking ibuprofen. I won't be able to drive until next week and I'm supposed to take it easy for another 5 weeks or so.

That's about it. I feel glad that I am well enough to be up and around. I've seen other women with similar surgeries in very frail states, and I feel very good (well enough to be stupid and run around too soon, but I have no intention of undoing my doctor's careful work to sew up my uterus!).

I added a link below to Silver Hill Hospital. I don't know if any of the rest of you were contacted by an ad agency representing that organization, but for those who didn't know, that is where I got sober. It was an excellent place for me and I used all the tools available to help get me on my journey. I realize rehab is not for everyone, but the facility at Silver Hill worked for me.

Hope everyone out there is faring well. Love and well wishes to you all.

Doing Fine

2010-04-03T11:18:07-04:00

Hey, all. I'm back home from my surgery on Wednesday. Everything went well.

I'm sore and tired, but in good spirirts. Thanks to everyone for your good wishes.

Still Sober & Kicking

2010-02-27T06:49:57-05:00

Man, does time ever fly. For those of you still stopping by, I thought I'd say "hello". I think of all my blog buddies daily, but I've not been reading or writing the blogs with any regularity for some time now. I guess it was a habit that I needed to get out of because when I took a single day away from the posts, I'd come back to being behind reading by roughtly 100 posts. I'd get this sense of guilt and bad-person-ness. But then I realized that I was probably overdoing the blog thing. After 3 years straight of daily blogginess, I needed a reality check and a break.

So, it's been business as usual here for the most part. I turned the big four-O earlier this month, but I swear I still feel I've got a new lease on life.

I will be getting some surgery soon for an overgrown uterine fibroid that is threatening to take over my insides. I got a second opinion from the first doc (who told me hysterectomy was my only option) because I'm not yet ready to say goodbye to my uterus even though I don't plan to have any more children. I'll be getting abdominal surgery, but they'll be only removing the tumors then stitching up my poor uterus. I'm hoping it all sounds worse than it will be.

Anywhoo, we've been enjoying the Olympics on our new plasma 58" TV in our still-a-work in process media room. It's still pretty rustic (or man-caveish, if you go by my teenager). I've been doing major organizing and donate, toss, recycle, sell. Before my drunken days, I was a fairly (anal) gal. Then I moved in with a haphazard housekeeping guy and sproted a slob of a son... Well, it's nice to be getting back to my neatness days. It does scare the boy a bit, though. He's afraid I'll ransack his closet again.

I hope y'all are well. I always imagine everyone muddling along and psychologically growing, but I know that is not always the case. I hope this post finds most of you sober and recovering. For those not, know that my thoughts are with you, always.

Shock the Mommy

2010-01-05T07:11:04-05:00

So, as i am driving him to school this morning, Spike decides to tell me that he and his cohorts will be learning how to use a condom in health class today. He said this info with no small amount of glee and provocation.

I told him not to hurt himself. What else could I say?