It’s also true that Foxy had to lie to the priest about me having been baptized and that I had to get up there and lie about renouncing sin and the Devil.  But hey, we did what we had to do.

I’ve been to the Vatican and the Pope did not come down from his holy office and throw me out on my pagan ass.  Today, I went to Rosalin Chapel and no one kicked me out when I ignored all the signs and took pictures of the interior of the chapel.  I know, I know, it’s wrong.  So sue me.

Taking the pics is probably the least sacrilegious thing I did today.  Witness the email that I sent to Claude today:

Today we went to Rosalin Chapel, it was beautiful!  That’s where it’s rumored that the Holy Grail may be buried (it was also in The Da Vinci Code).  Pretty amazing to see something that old with such a reputation, kind of like your mom.

If that doesn’t get me, I don’t know what will.

Tonight, after a LONG ass day of site seeing, mamacita and I decided to take in a British film.  Heavy movie, but very good.  On the way out, my mom missed the last step and she freaking bit it hard.  There was popcorn flying EVERYWHERE.  I could see her trying to try to catch herself in mid fall and she almost had it, but her big ass coat that makes her look like the mother of the Stay Puff Marshmallow man got in the weigh and she went down hard (twss).

Let me just share with you that the movie theatre was PACKED and my mom was one of the first people out of her seats.  As I was watching her fall (and trying to determine whether I could laugh out loud or if this would end in a trip to hospital), a question popped in my head: would this be one of those occasions when the entire room would gasp, or applaud? 

I always hope for a hearty round of applause when someone falls, kind of like when I was in high school and my sister tripped and slid down the stairs and landed at the bottom on her back.  Comedy.  Sadly, there was no applause this time around.  There were a few people that stopped to make sure my mom was okay, but the only “have a nice trip!” and “see you next fall!”s came out of my own mouth.  My mother was not amused…

The place is filled with old tables and chairs, and I chose a table that overlooked Greyfriars and had a view of the castle.  It was a table for 5 and I noticed there was a drawer in front of me that had something sticking out of it.  Being the nosey person I am, I opened the drawer to investigate.  There inside were tons and tons of letters that people that had previously sat at that table had left behind.

I spent 30 minutes rifling through all the drawers and reading the notes left behind by past visitors.  I don’t know what it was about it, but I found it to be so thrilling!  While I didn’t leave a note of my own behind (because I had no paper), I did decie to take some pictures of some of the funnier ones.  I think you will enjoy.

You’ll want to click on the images to make them larger.

If you ever make it to Edinburgh, make sure to head over to The Elephant House and sit at table 14.  And don’t forget a pen and some paper.

Let’s talk about the wine menu first: they have over 900 bottles of wine.  900 freaking bottles!  And how the hell does someone pick from 900 bottles of wine?  By price tag, that’s how.  We ended up having a 1/2 a bottle of wine that cost $70 - and it was delicious!  Thanks, mum for paying.

Sadly, there were no celebrity sightings.  Apparently, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Pierce Brosnan, Tim Rice, and Jack Nicholson were getting room service that night.  Who knows.  It’s just as well because I was not dressed for the place.  I typically don’t care what I’m wearing, but when you saunter into a place like this with jeans and sneakers, you sit in your seat and you pray to God that no one has noticed what you’re wearing.  Usually not a problem, but I had to pee from the second we walked into the restaurant and sitting down for 2 hours was painful.  But I REFUSED to get up out of my seat to let others judge me.  After all, it would be wrong to judge the judge, right?

The bill that night was about $200 per person.  Again, thanks mom!

Then tonight we went a totally different route: we ended up at a place called The Amber Rose.  I’ll put it to you this way: it’s like the Applebee’s of Edinburgh.  Not so hot.  Our meal cost about $5 each.  And it tasted like it too…Blech.

Take me back to The Witchery any night of the week…

The whole reason we ended up in Scotland this year was so that mamacita could attend a conference.  It’s the same one she attended last year when we went to England.  You’d think she’d have the whole routine down, yeah, not so much.

Yesterday while we were eating lunch she told me that she had deleted the conference confirmation she had gotten via email from her phone.  “Mom, you realize that you deleted it permanently, right?” I asked her.  “No I didn’t, it’s still on my computer,” she responded.  In the last month or so, she bought herself an iPhone and has been wicked super psyched to find out that she could read her emails on the phone.  What she didn’t realize was that if she deleted an email on her iPhone, it would delete the email all together.  The whole concept of the internet seems to escape her.  We spent 20 minutes arguing about whether or not that confirmation email existed anymore, and was she shocked to find out that I was right and she was wrong.

Wait, it gets better.

We head back to the hotel so that we can figure out where she has to go for the conference which she insisted started today (Monday).  It took her 20 minutes to boot up her stupid computer while I fooled around on facebook, twitter, and email.  After she nearly gave herself a heart attack from trying to figure out how to work the damn thing, I finally told her where to go and at what time.

This morning she got up at 7 so she could be on time for the 8 start.  She walked the 4 blocks to the conference center only to find the doors locked.  She stood out there for half an hour (in the pouring rain), and then decided to push on the doors instead of pull on them.  The doors opened.  Inside was a receptionist who offered to help her.  My mom told her she was there for a conference and the receptionist gave her a blank look.

Apparently the conference starts tomorrow, not today.

Nice work, mom!

Please to enjoy:

Hi, I saw your profile and I was so excited with the kinda of woman that i saw there…you be sincere with you dear you are looking Gorgeous….well let me tell you little about me and lets see if you would like me and maybe we could connect…Im a good guy, quick witted, and fun to hang out with Yes, I like all those things normal people do, music (live), movies, reading, sports, outdoors even tourist things (Im from Marrero,Louisiana,United States, so everything about the United States intrigues me crab cakes, ice storms, the beltway, how had I lived?). im presently in the region of West Africa for work and i hope to be back home soon. what am looking for here is loyalty, friendship, all quite important to me and hopefully to you If you can see things on a deeper level, well get along well. If you can sip a drink in a bar and attempt to talk on that deeper level, well get along better still! If you also like things lighthearted, spontaneous, a bit sarcastic and a little mischievous, you’ll get me completely Dont doubt I have a warm, caring, supportive side, its just under a layer of good humor.Or, join me in the kitchen and have a glass of wine while I prepare dinner and we’ll share deep stimulating conversation. Further exploring the mental chemistry between us. A relationship that ends up where it’s supposed to is what I seek. If that’s a serious relationship, good friends or great lovers, I am prepared for the next encounter life has to offer me. A friendship that is uninhibited and pure fun is what i’m about. Locations, settings and chemistry that will arouse all your senses and moments shared that cross your mind a week later while at the office. Putting a smile on your face while wondering when it’s possible to feel like that again is the sensation I aim to leave you with. I want a woman that I can trust without question and who can trust me the same. A woman whose loves me for my heart and soul. We would be like two vases of water poured into one larger more beautiful vase, in which we would be one. Holding each other, breathing each other, tasting each other as we watch the sun rise and set in each others arms. Laughing, crying, singing, praying, playing, working together to make life fun and safe for each other. I have not found that yet, but I am eternally hopeful. Maybe I am just a helpless romantic human but hope is what gets us out of bed each morning to face the day. I have no physical or mental baggage and strive everyday to be a better man for myself. Karma, Kindness, Family, Loyalty and Honesty are important realities in my lifestyle. If we are meant to be, even geography couldn’t keep us apart. sorry i need a devoted woman that i could lay my life to i need a woman that cares.So, if youre fun loving, funny, cute, GENUINE and affectionate,possess the qualities that i need in a woman will love to hear from you soon to know if we are perfect match,If we are meant to be, even geography couldn’t keep us apart,No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.Though miles may lie between us, we’re never far apart, for friendship doesn’t count the miles, it’s measured by the heart….Please do feel free to mail me or add me to your messenger here is my screen name i_toolandloser@yahoo.com..hopeto hear from you soon….do have a great day.

What it’s Supposed to Mean: You’re having a hard time grasping a concept.

Example: “I can’t wrap my head around why you would wear leg warmers with high heels.”

Why It’s Stupid: You can wrap something around your head-like a towel, or a turban, or even a scarf-but it is physically impossible to wrap your head around something. Here’s a concept I think you can grasp: if you were to wrap your head (or brain) around something, you would be freaking dead. You can’t do it, it’s impossible so stop saying it.

I beg of you.

Please.

Stop.

His current home doesn’t have a washer/dryer, so he had the “joy” and “pleasure” of packing up all his shit and taking it to the laundromat. Recently, he found out that the laundromat has a drop off service. You can just drop everything off, and they’ll take care of doing all of the laundering for you. Kind of like paying someone to be your mom, only without the nagging and home cooked meals and pressure to get married and have kids.

Mary Cocoa Butter was excited and quickly went about packing up all your dirty under things and dropping them off at the laundromat. After all, Mary Cocoa Butter had things to do, laundry just gets in the way.

On the day that Mary Cocoa Butter went to pick up his laundry, the tiny little Asian man gave him everything and as they were settling up the bill, he said, “You forgot something special.” Off he went to the back to go get the “special” something that Mary Cocoa Butter had left.

What could it be? Money? His iPod? A business card? A phone number? Thoughts were going through his mind as he racked his brain to try to remember.

Finally the man came out from the back and handed him something wrapped in a paper towel. As he unwrapped it, the color drained from his face, as he looked up with a horrified expression. There, in his hand was resting a butt plug that he had accidentally thrown in with his laundry.

Happy Birthday, Mary Cocoa Butter! And, you’re welcome.

I hate that question.  I always feel like such a freaking loser when I answer honestly.  “Really?  No one?” he asked me.  “Nope.  Diddly dee, that’s who I’m seeing.”  “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”  Thanks for pointing out the obvious, sparky.

Talk turned to my hot client, and I told Lit’l Smokey how I was just waiting for him to divorce his wife of 17 years so we could be together.

• Lit’l Smokey:  You don’t have to wait for him to divorce his wife.
• Me:  What kind of girl do you take me for??
• Lit’l Smokey: [smirks and winks]
• Me: Besides, he’s my client.
• Lit’l Smokey:  That’s right, you shouldn’t fornicate with your clients.
• Me: Unless you’re a hooker, in which case that’s the whole point.

I’ve never been one of those lucky gals that ends up being romanced by some hot foreigner with a spicy accent.  It just doesn’t work for me.  Instead, I’m busy taking pictures and visiting every single Boots and/or Marks & Sparks around.  I don’t delude myself into thinking that this trip will be any different.  Sure, I’m certain that there will be some hot dudes in kilts that I’d like to get on, but the likelihood of me resetting the peen counter while I’m there - or even making out with someone - is about as likely as me hitting the lotto. 

While I won’t be frolicking with any of the locals, I do plan on spending some money.  My mother’s money as I’m going on vacation with her.  Hmm…maybe the reason I don’t hook up on trips is because I’m with my mom.  No, that’s not right, I have travelled on my own before.  Granted, I was weighing around 225 then AND I thought denim overalls were the height of fashion.  Thankfully, those days are long gone. 

There’s nothing like taking a vacation when someone else is paying for it, thanks, mamacita!