“It’s not that I like building things out of wood; in fact, I hate it. But I just hate trees more. They need to be taught a lesson.”

Support brave men like Nick, willing to counter the trees’ lies and hate; buy the issue today.

That’s why we at the Anti-Arboreal Association wholly and enthusiastically recommend surrounding your trees with wood chips.

It used to be that folks would surround trees with grass, dirt, flowers, rocks, whatever; simple things that posed no barrier to the hate moving silently and surreptitiously under the soil to permeate our homes, buildings and more. Now, rather than waste efforts with futile containment, we have perfected a much crueler, sinister and effective barrier: stack their trunk with the carcasses of their fallen brethren. Let them choke on their own disease.

So, as you walk through your sadly-shaded neighborhood this Labor Day weekend, consider ripping out your neighbor’s garden around their trees and helpfully replacing it with the fleshy shreds of the trees who’ve already fallen before the AAA’s sanctimonious shredders.

Do your part today to drive these barked beasts mad from their own poison.

German artist Bartholomaus Traubeck bastardized a perfectly good record player to the dark art of playing a tree’s growth rings. Chamber music, it is not.

Thanks to BuzzFeed for raising our awareness.

Ask no more.

They’re not hydras, so don’t be scared to show their friends you mean business in this war. But remember: no chippers! Don’t spread their lies further than they already are.

Do your duty. Vote this video up on YouTube to remind mankind that we can (and must) fight back. No need to be passive in our quest to destroy the Scourge of Man from our planet.

So get to it. Grab as many discount routers this Black Friday as you can afford, turn them on, and crank ‘em up. Because they’ll be in your house BEFORE you put your Christmas tree up, the trees won’t even know what’s hitting them.

Mankind (via the Dutch): +1.
Trees: 0.

The video teems with anti-tree, tree-hating, tree-disrespecting, and tree-felling visuals against an incredibly catchy refrain, and stresses the importance of never forgetting those trees that have wronged you (or the ones you love) in the past.

After you’ve watched it, be sure to let your friends know. This is our chance! Because its hip-hop, it will almost certainly fall under the trees’ radar for the time being… they seem to relate more closely to bluegrass, so use this opportunity to get others hooked on the chorus before they wisen up.

“Trees Near You” is an iPhone application recently created by Brett Camper for New York City’s BigApps competition.

Apparently, NYC city government has street tree census data publicly available.

According to the app’s site,

Trees Near You helps you learn about more than 500,000 trees that live on New York City sidewalks. For any area of the city, from block to borough, you can see the different species that live there, and measure the environmental (and monetary!) benefits that these trees provide.

Go stalk, tag, and start tracking these barked beasts. And, if your city doesn’t have a street tree census, it might be time to propose just such a thing. Let the trees know that there’s nowhere to hide.