This club had been recommended to me by Norman R. of Maidenhead Speakers; I believe he played some part in helping to found it.

Anyway, it was a very interesting evening. It was the first time I’d been to a club other than Maidenhead Speakers and it was helpful to see another way of going about Toastmasters.

One thing I liked was the warm-up. At the start of the evening, everyone in the audience was encouraged to stand up and talk for a short time on their favourite recollection of something they missed. That’s not something I’d seen at Maidenhead. It got everyone involved, evoking nostalgia for steam locomotives and Starsky and Hutch.

There were clearly some very experienced speakers. In fact the overall quality was very high; it looks like Maidenhead doesn’t have a monopoly on highly talented people.

As at Maidenhead, everyone was very welcoming, and I even got the chance to give a Table Topic. (Alison, the club president, was very kind in warning me this might happen at the start of the evening.)

Having not spoken for over six months, I was a little worried I might be nervous, especially in front of a new audience. In fact, this was  the first time I’d spoken to anyone other than Maidenhead Speakers Club.

Mercifully, it was an easy topic: “My favourite meal in a restaurant”. Alison was generous, even warning the audience beforehand it would be about food, to give us time to think.

And I relaxed and really enjoyed it. It was a gentle re-introduction and it seemed to go down okay. Public speaking, it seems, is like riding a bike

I am looking for a new club but this will be a hectic year for me work-wise so I probably won’t join a new one till early next year.

One comment stood out – “If you’re going to tell stories, make them your own,” he said. “Don’t tell other people’s anecdotes. ‘Goes down like a lead balloon. Relate them to yourself.”

On Monday night, we had two contests, testing the club’s skills in both speaking and evaluation.

Evaluation is important as this is how we improve. If you’re making mistakes,  as a speaker you’re very often unaware of them. However, you do need to be told gently – public speaking is scary enough without having every fault dissected and analysed in front of the whole group. Considerate evaluation is an art.

In the evaluation contest, there was a single speech. Each evaluator made 5 minutes’ notes before their notebooks were taken away. Then, they were all taken to a side room, and asked to come out and give each their evaluation in turn (so they couldn’t hear their competitors’ comments).

For the speaking contest, speakers each delivered their chosen topics, with several judges for each speaker. On a normal evening, each speaker has a single evaluator – for the contest, the judges evaluate all speeches against set criteria. These points are added up, and the speaker with the best overall score wins.

Sheila gave a particularly memorable performance, based around “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. I half expected her to tell us how to gear up to be more successful in business, but instead she told us to focus on the really important thing, making time for our friends and family. It was powerful stuff.

This is one of the things I like most about Toastmasters – you never know what the speakers will say. Or how it will affect you.

So as Grammarian you sit there with a clipboard watching for all these little mistakes.

Earlier this month, I got my first chance to try it out.

In addition to finding mistakes, it’s a good idea to look out for interesting phrases, and pretty much anything else involving clever use of language. For example, I was able to award the (worthless) accolade “best heckle” for one particularly witty outburst.

Perhaps the hardest part about being Grammarian is breaking it to them gently. Inevitably, someone will make a large number of “um”s or “er”s. If you include them all, they can end up with an um-count way ahead of their peers.

Some Grammarians like to dodge this by not being specific. They will say “Bob had a lot of ums and a couple of ahs”, rather than tell Bob he really said um 22 times in a five minute speech. (Come on, sort it out, Bob!)

I started off by reminding everyone I’m the least qualified person for the job. You need to pay attention to be Grammarian, and yet I’m so inattentive that, when I was timer, I let poor Norman talk for five minutes on a two minute table topic – because I’d forgotten to start the clock.

So, I told them, if you have a low um-count, it might be that I wasn’t paying attention. And if your um-count is high, it could just be that you were so interesting I actually took note.

Toastmasters encourages you to follow project steps in turn, learning a new skill from each. A couple of weeks ago, I gave my sixth project speech, objective “using voice variation”.

But I was lazy.

I came up with the idea of telling a few stories about my sister because, well, she’s very interesting. There’s a lot to say about my sister Marta, and that was my speech title decided: “My Sister Marta”.

This time, I really did prepare the speech in well under an hour. I didn’t even bother to time the speech beforehand.

And yet, it all went fairly well. I didn’t use notes (partly because I hadn’t really made any), and I didn’t say a single “Um” or “Ah” throughout.

If you are feeling lazy, here’s a quick formula you can use.

1. Choose a subject for which you have several anecdotes(I could tell stories about Marta all night)
2. Think about those anecdotes for a couple of minutes before the speech – pick out the ones with the funniest punchlines.
3. Think up a strong opening.
4. Finally, most importantly, think up a strong close.

And that’s it. With that, I found I was able to give a speech which flowed well, amused the audience somewhat, and kept within time.

The key to it all is choosing a close you can apply at any time – ideally, one which relates to your opening.

I started the speech by telling everyone that people think I’m weird. They think I’m eccentric, I said, but if you think I’m weird, then you should meet my sister Marta!

I told a couple of amusing stories about when Marta had come to visit, and then how we had gone on holiday to Austria together. This was easy, as these were stories I had already told friends.

It was also much helped by the fact that Marta did some pretty wacky things – like finding a large branch (yes, with leaves) to take back to boyfriend Dougie. That would’ve been fine, only she discovered it was full of “beasties” while we were tearing down the Autobahn at eighty miles an hour. She wound down the window and shook all the beasties out. We were quite a sight, our car charging down the motorway with a branch coming out of the window, shedding leaves and beasties all over the car behind.

At the end of the speech, when I saw the red light coming on, I wound it all up by saying that eccentric my sister Marta may be. She may even be a little weird – but I tell you, audience, there is nobody better to go on holiday with than Marta.

It was simple, but it brought the speech together nicely, and it tied in with my opening.

It felt really quite easy, giving this speech, and it was great I’d been able to finally do it with so little practise beforehand. My evaluator, Norman, even commended me on giving the speech without notes – saying this must’ve required a lot of preparation.

It didn’t.

There was a drawback to my approach, however. I didn’t meet the project objective – using vocal variation. And, yes, this was exactly the same mistake I’d made the last time I’d spoken.

On the same evening, Ellen was giving a speech for the same project. She chose a story about a car crash as her subject. This gave her great opportunity to speak quietly, describing the “time going slow scene” as a car careered towards her, and then loudly, as she described the impact itself.

It met the objectives dead on, and she learnt specifically how to use volume to great effect. I could’ve done the same, with the stories about going on holiday – there was plenty of opportunity for quiet and exclamation.

So, there are two further points to add to my formula above:

1. Read the speech objectives carefully
2. Think about how these can apply to the anecdotes you’ve chosen (or choose new ones, if they can’t)

The way to become more relaxed or natural when speaking, is to make it second nature. You just have to speak a lot of times.

Toastmasters really helps. If you go along regularly, the (soon) familiar environment helps – the same four walls, the same faces. It becomes quite routine to get up there and speak. The more often you go, the more accustomed you become.

Taking an active part in the club helps – even if it’s just turning up each week. Being Sergeant at Arms has really helped me.

The job brings a chance to be a little more involved, and that’s good in itself. It’s good to help out by collecting voting slips, buying the milk and making the tea.

It also gives me the chance to say a few words at the start of the evening, and again after the break. I’m the warm-up guy.

Sometimes, I capture the mood, and get the audience really laughing – and there is no better feeling. And there are other times when my jokes don’t work, I stumble or have nothing to say.

Last Monday was the second kind of evening.

I had a joke ready – actually a funny headline I’d read outside a newsagent’s, last week. It was so odd, I had to read it twice.

DEADLY SKUNK
FLOODS LONDON

Well, I thought this was a great image – I mean, just imagine it. How big would this deadly skunk have to be? And what could he have used to flood London? I thought I could talk a bit about the massive skunk diverting the Thames.

Looking back, when I read it outside the newsagent’s, it took me several minutes to realise this skunk was drugs, not a smelly mamal. That’s what I thought was funny. And, of course, that’s why it fell flat. It took the audience just as long to understand me – I didn’t give them time to digest the image.

Then, of course, a lot of them were thinking about the actual meaning, and they thought it very serious – not something to be laughing at. Most of them just didn’t get it – a lot of them thought me completely nuts, I’m sure.

But that’s OK. It barely got a laugh – so what? I know I won’t get it right every time – and they’ve seen my sometimes idiosyncratic ways before. There was still a slight buzz of anticipation before, but afterwards I didn’t feel nervous or disappointed. I’m just not getting so worked up about it all any more. I’m getting used to it.

There were three great speeches and several Table Topics. The Toastmaster, Steve, made a point of telling us Toastmasters should be fun.

It was.

Michelle gave an amazing second speech on the Northern Rock banking crisis – really informative, and bang up to date. It could’ve been dry, but it captured my attention. She described it so clearly. Her lilting Irish accent is entrancing.

Tom gave a hilarious speech on, “You can tell the boss to take the job and … …I’ll let you finish the sentence”. Very, very funny – he had the audience rolling about.

And then there was Paul. Paul gave the last speech of his first 10 “Competent Communicator” speeches. And wow, didn’t he look comfortable and relaxed!

This was the same Paul, who’d given 9 previous speeches on serious topics, carefully chosen to match the speech brief. This was Paul who, on previous occasions, had started nervously, who’d conscientiously broken down each subject, who’d carefully held notes in his hand throughout.

This speech was more like a conversation with a friend than a lecture. He talked about holding your aspirations in the palm of your hand. He drew analogies with the trials of sailing, and of grasping the nettle. It was engaging and natural and very, very enjoyable.

I would love to have had a video of the first speech I saw Paul give, to compare it with last Monday night. It would be like night and day.

The humorous speaking contest was, well, amusing. It had me laughing out loud. We had Pravin, Steve and Amanda, all on form with their funny stories. There seemed to be a rough theme emerging of love, blind dates and mechanical break-downs. Pravin’s story of a honeymoon watermelon car crash has to be heard to be believed.

It was also a chance for everyone to give a brief “30 seconds” table topic – on public holidays, and whether or not we should have more of them.

That was the main table topic – public holidays. It being a contest, each table topic speaker spoke on the same topic, but they had the advantage of knowing in advance they would be speaking, and were asked to wait outside the hall, so they couldn’t hear their competitors.

As Sergeant at Arms, it was my job to call each TT speaker in turn, as the judges evaluated the previous speech.

I opened the evening with a confessional. I’d intended to buy the address “www.publicspeaking.co.uk” for this site. Instead, I mistyped it and ended up with pubicspeaking.co.uk! Oh well, at least it’s memorable…

I’d been Sergeant at Arms a couple of times as a stand-in for Keith last year, and was asked to take the role on “for real”, when he moved on to higher things (V.P. PR).

It’s the lowest rank on the Toastmasters committee pecking order. Right now, that suits me. I’m responsible for making the tea, bringing the milk, telling the odd joke, calling the meeting to order and collecting (and counting) the voting slips on normal club evenings.

I also order supplies (milk, coffee, tea and flip charts) and go along to committee meetings, though I don’t deliver a formal report. I really use it as a chance to try out as many funny stories as possible.

Last night was a committee training session for local Berkshire clubs, and I went to that. Clubs have to send along at least 4 committee members, so they can claim a point towards their Toastmasters goals.

Usually, the more senior roles are discussed in these training sessions. Still, I didn’t get the feeling I was just making up numbers. As well as (interactive) speeches to discuss how best to perform some of the senior roles (Education, Membership and President), at the start of the evening there was chance for us all to participate. Each club to confer on what makes each club unique. A member of each club was asked to stand up and present the case.

When the clubs shared several of their “unique” attributes, it made me smile.

It was a chance to meet some of the local Toastmasters movers and shakers, and to get a brief insight into other clubs.

It was a learning experience.

I’d decided the evening’s theme would be “embarrassment”. This was a bit risky (it might seem like I wasn’t taking it seriously), but I thought it would be fun and different from the usual “my greatest success” theme.

I used an agenda generated by the d71.org site – it gives you a break down of the evening, with a timeline in the margin. It was an excellent guide and I began well, telling an embarrassing story about the time I mistakenly went into the ladies toilets in a nightclub.

This got a laugh, but I got nervous and rushed on to hand over to the Table Topics Master. When I sat down again, I realised I’d completely forgotten to outline the agenda for the evening, and hadn’t described the Toastmasters mnemonic HATS (Handshake, Applause, Timing, voting Slips).

Then, there’d been some confusion over the Timer’s introduction. On some evenings, timers introduce their role at the start, and sometimes this doesn’t happen – I wasn’t decisive. Nina, the timekeeper, later told me that some of the audience had been confused by this.

I’m afraid there were a couple more sloppy mistakes to come.

I mispronounced a speaker’s surname. I knew her name; it was just nerves on the night tripping me up.

And then, worse, I introduced one of our more experienced speakers as former District Governor, when she’d been Area Governor. Doh! This really made me freeze.

Silly, silly mistakes, which I should’ve avoided. When I do it again, I’ll be sure to compile a clear synopsis of each person before hand, and to double check and rehearse each one.

Compounding my problems, I was nervous and desperate not to show it. As things went wrong, I tried to meet them with an idiotic smile. But, while I tried to be jolly about it, I think this made it look like I didn’t care. My “embarrassment” theme seemed to reinforce this impression.

And, do you know what? If I’d relaxed and conveyed more “control”, most people would not have noticed. But all these thoughts were building in my head. The more I tried to be flippant to disguise my nerves, the more I felt the nonchalance was generating a general atmosphere of chaos.

On the other hand, there were several things I felt happy with.

Before the evening, I put a lot of work into the “embarrassment” theme. I managed to collect embarrassing stories from the evening’s participants, print them all out and fit them in – which was an achievement, as they were complicated. They were funny. Most people seemed to enjoy the evening. At the very least, they got to laugh.

Something else I learned here – it only really makes sense to prepare for the main speakers, the table topics master, the grammarian, the timer and the general evaluator. There’s no point in asking evaluators for their “most embarrassing story” – the story could be longer than their activity. We could end up being there all night.

I worked hard to use the d71.org website, and the agenda had really helped me.

And then, during the break, one of our evaluators dropped out. I found someone (thank you, Keith!) to step in as a replacement at the very last minute, and quickly re-arranged the speeches so he’d have time to prepare. It put the next speaker, Marion, under a bit of pressure but she rose to the challenge. I suspect many people there didn’t even notice.

In his summary, inevitably, our General Evaluator, Eric, commented on several of my mistakes.

I was feeling very defensive. I waited on every word.

He didn’t mention the fact it was my first time. He didn’t talk much about the evening’s humour (which I had put a lot of work into). There was no mention of the missing evaluator, and how I’d dealt with that. “Why not?”, I was asking myself defensively.

But this was unfair. He had the whole evening to summarise, no just my part. Besides, Eric had gallantly stood in as GE. He didn’t know I was nervous and it was my first time. How could he possibly know?

Despite my outward air of triviality, I was taking it all far too seriously.

I’m reluctant to admit I left the meeting demoralised and, to be honest, completely deflated. I’m ashamed to say, I nursed a glass of wine into the wee small hours, feeling utterly sorry for myself, wondering why the hell I’d bothered. I knew I was being an ass, childish, and far too defensive but I couldn’t shake the mood. Eric’s words had not been harsh – they were constructive pointers “for next time”. I was being incredibly over-sensitive.

They say comedians are crying on the inside. I’d played the clown all night, and now I felt utterly miserable.

There have been highs at Toastmasters – this was definitely my lowest low.

This week, Caroline was Toastmaster, and she showed me how to do it. Apparently, she’d stepped in at the last minute; that made it all the more impressive.

Like me, she used the d71.org website to generate an agenda. Unlike me, she started with a proper introduction.

In fact, she introduced the evening beautifully, and gave the whole evening a sense of balance and poise. There was a moment of doubt as to where the break should come in the plan, but she handled beautifully.

I got a chance to redeem myself too. Eric (the GE from the previous week) was Table Topics Master. He very kindly warned me that he’d ask me to come up and give a Table Topics speech. I was prepared in advance.

The general topic was “Role Models”. Most of the topics were very difficult, and Eric chose some of our most experienced Toastmasters to deliver them. However, he kindly gave me one of the easier ones, and he gave me plenty of time to prepare myself by giving me a long introduction.

My topic was “My Role Model, from the Worlds of Business or Sport”.

I started by telling the audience,

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, ‘Who can this fine figure of a man possibly have to look up to? What example can there be for him, when he’s already the finished model?’

Well, you might be surprised but, actually, there is someone…

Then I talked about Richard Branson. I talked about his autobiography (which I’d read), his brutal honesty and how I admire the mood he fosters in other people. It was the first time I’d ever given a Table Topics speech that was completely on-topic.

They laughed at the start, and looked entertained throughout. At the end of the evening, I found I’d won the vote. I’d never won Table Topics before; I’ve always found this hard. I was delighted.

I left the club feeling on top of the world. I was floating on air.