Photo by alex.ragone

This post is part of a series based on ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath.  While the Heath brothers write for a business audience, I feel that the principles in ‘Made to Stick’ can help us as we design stronger and more ‘Sticky’ families

When I was a kid we moved around a lot.  We changed countries, houses, schools, friends, and churches on all the time.  Even though my environment seemed to be in a permanent state of change, My parents worked very hard to make our home a stable and safe place.

My parents did two things to make our family and home something concrete.

They had clear expectations.

In Love
I remember my mom telling me, “I may not always like you, but you can be certain I will always love you.” When they had my little brother, I remember Mom and Dad explaining that they didn’t divide their love between my new brother and me.  Instead, God gave them a bigger heart so they could love us both equally.  Regardless of what happened or what I did, I know Mom and Dad loved me.

For Behavior
I always knew how my parents wanted me to behave.  I also knew they expected the same behavior from us at home as they did in public.  I never had to worry about the boundaries because the boundaries were always the same.

They were consistent.

In Words
My parent’s words always backed up their expectations.  They would tell me they loved me even when I had just completely disappointed me.  When I misbehaved, they reaffirmed their expectations for my behavior.  They told me regularly they were pleased with my choices and were very proud of the man I was becoming.

In Consequences
When I screwed up, I didn’t have to worry about the consequences changing depending on my parents’ moods.  Consequences for disobedience were the same from one day to the next and the same between parents. I know this required a lot of communication between my parents, but their additional effort went a long way to make our house a secure, and concrete, home.

Becoming Concrete

Being concrete by having clear expectations and consistent actions will help your family become more sticky, even if you live in a changing environment.  Here are some things to consider as you work to become more concrete:

• Are your children certain that you love them regardless of their behavior?  Do you tell them this regularly?  Do you withhold demonstrations of love (hugs, etc.) when they disappoint you?
• Do you require your children to behave the same way at home and out in public?
• When was the last time you told your children that you were proud of them?
• Do your children know the consequences of misbehavior?  Do the consequences change depending on your mood or from spouse to spouse?  Take some time and talk with your spouse about bad behavior.  Agree on the severity of punishment for different behaviors.  Work together to make sure your discipline is consistent.

Photo by Barron

This post is part of a series based on ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath.  While the Heath brothers write for a business audience, I feel that the principles in ‘Made to Stick’ can help us as we design stronger and more ‘Sticky’ families

A couple of years back, I decided that Christi and I would celebrate our anniversary with a picnic in the park and finger foods.  We didn’t have money for a baby sitter, so the kids were going to be part of the event.

On our anniversary, I took the kids to the grocery store to grab the sandwich meats, veggies, dips, and crackers.  They peppered me with questions and I explained why the day was so special.  When we got home, I put together the snacks and they watched.

Fortunately, it rained.  Instead of canceling the event, I decided we would have our picnic on Mommy and Daddy’s bed. (We never allow the kids to eat in bed.)  I made the bed, spread out the picnic blanket and the treats.  I also ordered Nanny McPhee on OnDemand.  We ate, laughed, and talked the whole time.

That day was one of the best anniversaries we’ve had since we became parents.  Today, I stopped and thought about why it was a great memory we all remember.

It was counter-intuitive.

In our house, we aren’t supposed to eat in bed.  My kids also know that you have picnics outside, not inside.   Rain forced us to turn those hard-and-fast rules on their head and create a counter-intuitive moment.  More importantly, it was a memorable moment.

It was a surprise.

My kids didn’t know that we were going to have a party.  Consequently, all the preparations leading up to the picnic were a total surprise.  They had no idea what to expect.  Consequently, they didn’t have any preconceived notions about how an anniversary was supposed to be celebrated.  (And they still don’t, because we do something different every year!)

It created interest.

Up to that point, my kids had no understanding of what an anniversary was.  All the preparations allowed them to ask questions.  The event created interest in a topic – marriage – that they hadn’t considered.

It created curiosity.

My kids had no idea what to expect.  Every step of the preparations made them more curious about marriage, anniversaries, and why they were events worthy of celebration.  They couldn’t wait to see the product of all this preparation.  They were completely engaged in the whole day.

For the Holidays

I know that we usually think of traditions during the holidays.  What would happen if we introduced something simple and unexpected this holiday?  Maybe we have breakfast in bed on the 23^rd.  Maybe we set up a tent in front of the TV in the living room and watch Christmas movies together, through the front door of the tent.

Whatever you do, do something unexpected and create a new memory.

Photo by A4GPA

This post is part of a series based on ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath.  While the Heath brothers write for a business audience, I feel that the principles in ‘Made to Stick’ can help us as we design stronger and more ‘Sticky’ families

I can’t remember if it was after we went to the Zoo or after the Renaissance Fair.  I do remember that we were at Olive Garden after spending a whole day together.  The kids were laughing, Christi was happy, and the food was great.

Then it happened, a moment of perfection that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.  It’s hard to describe, but I remember closing my eyes and thanking God for the day, for the fun I had with my family, and for the food.  That moment was perfection for me.

I know you’ve had them – the perfect Christmas, the wonderful anniversary, the vacation you will never forget.  The question is, “How can we have more of them?”

Create Space for Profound Moments

Profound moments don’t happen on demand.   You can’t schedule 30 minutes with your wife and kids and expect that something ‘magical’ to happen on-demand.  You have to create space for relationships to grow and for magical moments to happen.  Set aside a block of time on a regular basis – perhaps once a week – as space for your family.

Take a walk with your family after dinner.  Play in the park.  Throw a football around with your son.  Take your daughter out for a one-on-one lunch.  Have ice cream with your wife.  I cannot guarantee that you will have a profound moment.  Neither can you.  If you don’t create the time, however, we both know the magic won’t happen.

Don’t Clutter the Moment

Holidays, vacations, and birthdays can be pretty stressful.  We make them stressful by spending money we don’t have or by scheduling too many activities.  If you clutter a moment with too many activities or impending stress (debt), then you don’t allow space for that moment to develop into something profound.

If you’re on holiday, pick one or two things you want to accomplish each day.  Give yourself permission to relax if you accomplish those things.  Sure, you will probably fill the time as you go.  The key is this: don’t micromanage every moment.  If you do, you will not have the space for a profound moment to develop.

Focus on the Moment

As parents, we need to shelter our families from the clutter of technology.  If you clutter time with your family with text messages, iPhone apps, email, and questionably important phone calls, then you won’t have meaningful moments with them.  When you’re with your family, you need to be with your family, not wondering around cyberspace.

I work on this all the time.  It’s a fine balance.  I do know this – I have yet to get a text message or phone call during time with family that couldn’t wait a couple of hours.  If someone gripes, I tell them I was with my wife or my kids.  The griper shuts up pretty quick, because they know that I was doing something important.

Different People Have Different Moments

Just because you had a magical moment doesn’t mean that everyone else had a magical moment.  That doesn’t mean your moment was something less-than-perfect.  It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with your family.  Relax.  Enjoy your moment.  Enjoy the times when your kids’ moments surprise you.

Take some time to rethink the upcoming holidays.  What do you need to do (or not do) to create an environment that has the space for magical moments to happen?

Photo by Oberto’s

This post is part of a series based on ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath.  While the Heath brothers write for a business audience, I feel that the principles in ‘Made to Stick’ can help us as we design stronger and more ‘Sticky’ families.

I got really annoyed with a friend when he said something to the effect of, “Your priorities are defined by what you’re doing now, at this point in your life.  They aren’t what you want to do, what you hope to do, or what you think you should do.”  I didn’t want to hear it.  I had a list of things that were my ‘priorities.’ When you got right down to it, though, I was only acting on, maybe, one fifth of them.

The same is true of our families.  We have a detailed picture of how we want things to be, of our family priorities, but we aren’t doing the things we need to do to make that picture a reality.

I’m not talking about having your dream home or being a family that doesn’t struggle with things from time-to-time.  I’m talking about who you want to be as people and what kind of impact you, as a family, want to make on the world.

Want a quick litmus test about where your priorities lie?  Sit down with your check book or bank statement.  Categorize where you spend your money.  Sit down with your calendar.  Categorize how you spend your time outside of work.  (If you don’t have time outside work, then work is probably a priority!)

How do your list line up with where you want to be? With the priorities you would like to have?

Want a scarier test?  Ask your children what they think is important to mommy, daddy and their family.

If you’re not happy with your priorities, don’t worry.  You can change your priorities by changing what you do over time.

Sit down with your family.  Talk about what kind of family you want to be.   Make a list.  If you want to be a more generous family, write it down.  If you want to be a family that plays together, write it down.  If you want to be a family that does community service together, write it down.  If you want to be a family that eats dinner together, write it down.

After you make your list, pick one of the priorities and discuss what it will take to make it an actual priority in your family.  Focus on the things that you can do.  What time can you realistically spend on this priority each week?  What money do you need to spend on this priority?  What do you need to exclude from your lives to make this thing a priority?

After you identify what you need to do, commit to it for 12 weeks.  You may decide that you love whatever it is and want to keep it as a permanent priority of your family.  You may decide that you all hated it and that it wasn’t a good fit.  You may decide that the time and money you wanted to set aside for this priority wasn’t realistic for your current stage in life.  Whatever you decide, it’s important that you work it out as a family.

Here are some ideas:

• If you want to be more generous, think of adopting a Compassion Child.
• If you want to spend more time together, try to eat dinner together or set aside a family game or movie night.
• If you want to do community service together, talk with your local homeless shelter, churches, or food pantry.
• If you want to have a cleaner house, make it a goal to never have a dirty kitchen or bathrooms for the next 12 weeks.  Assign each person one responsibility in those rooms.
• If you want to have spiritual conversations, buy a children’s Bible and read one story out of it before bedtime.  Let your kids tell you what they think it means.

Photo by Evil Erin

This post is part of a series based on ‘Made to Stick’ by Chip and Dan Heath.  While the Heath brothers write for a business audience, I feel that the principles in ‘Made to Stick’ can help us as we design stronger and more ‘Sticky’ families.

Keep it Simple by Knowing What to Exclude

When I was in elementary school, Mom and Dad and I sat down with a calendar of extra-curricular activities available at our school.  These included a variety of sports, Boy Scouts, Judo, and Tae Kwan Do.  They told me that I could participate in any activity I wanted, but I could only choose one activity per semester.  I so wanted to go to Boy Scouts and Judo, but they were firm and I ultimately chose to attend Boy Scouts.

I didn’t really understand why they only let me choose one activity per semester until I had kids of my own.

Each activity adds stress on the family.  Some stress is good and causes us to grow.  Eventually, though, stress reaches a critical mass and begins to strain relationships.  I watch families who have multiple children active in every sport and activity imaginable.  Often, they have to split up the family to attend games in for different children that happen at the same time.  These families don’t have time to breath.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of good activities out there, but too much honey will make you sick to your stomach. I think that knowing what to exclude is an important part of having a family that sticks together.  The Dave Ramsey Plan taught us what to exclude (and include) in our budget.  Allowing only one extracurricular activity per child helps us know what to exclude in our schedule.  Exclusion allows us time between activities to breathe and enjoy life.  Exclusion helps us have the energy to talk as a family rather than sit in weary silence around the dinner table.

Knowing What to Exclude During the Holidays

Christi’s grandmother does a great job of exercising Exclusion during the holidays.  She allows each grandchild to choose one favorite snack for her to make during the holiday.  Everyone gets a chance to have something special, and Nanny doesn’t have to spend all her time in the kitchen.

Take a look at your budget, your schedule, and your plans for the holidays.  What do you need to exclude so that your family has a better chance of sticking together?

Photo by Lauren_Murphy

We used to eat dinner with the TV on.  After I spent so much time traveling, however, I realized I wanted to connect with my family over dinner.  The 20^th rerun of my favorite episode of NCIS wasn’t as important as hearing my Son or Daughter telling me about their day, or watching Christi’s eyes sparkle as she outlined some new plan for motivating her students to learn.

So I made the decision that we needed to eat dinner at the table with the TV off.  I didn’t really ask anyone’s permission, I just started setting the table and turning off the TV before I called anyone in for dinner.

It took the kids about a week and a half to get used to the format.  Once they did, they talked the whole time!  I enjoy looking into their eyes and trying to figure out who they are becoming!

What barriers do you need to remove and what opportunities do you need to create to allow natural conversation to happen in your family?

Photo by Nuanc

I wish I had a dollar every time I wondered if I am too hard on my kids. Yet, when I look around, I see so many wussy adults who never grew up, are largely self-centered, and who never left home. I don’t want my kids to be like that, so I do – or don’t do – things that foster independence. (Even though a huge part of me likes being the one they come to – I love being the ‘hero.’)

We don’t protect them from every fall.

When my daughter was a toddler, I didn’t keep her from falling. I cannot count the nasty looks I got when I didn’t rush to protect her from a two inch drop. Now I kept her from braking something, or from being a bloody mess, but I didn’t protect her from every bump and bruise – on purpose. The truth of the matter is this – I will not always be around to catch my children when they fall.

We teach them to get back up.

We learn a lot from falling. We learn that small falls will not kill us. We learn about what to do, or what not to do, to keep from falling again. We learn to pick ourselves up and try again.

We even teach my kids how to celebrate their falls.

When they fell, I often exclaimed, “Wow! That was the awesomest fall ever!” A couple of days ago my son ran down the hall, tripped, and basically belly-flopped on the floor. When he caught his breath, I heard him say, “That was awesome!” Then he got back up and continued running.

We teach them to not whine.

My parents had a unbreakable and unbendable rule: If you cry about it, you won’t get it. We adopted this rule for our house as well. Consequently, it forces my children to choke back their tears and frustration and talk with us. This year I watched both my children choke back tears and negotiate for alternatives like, “Mom, I was in the middle of the show. Can I finish and then get my bath?” I am much more inclined to bend a bit when they talk with me. Whining, though, gets them nowhere.

We teach them to talk about their feelings.

“In this house hitting is not allowed. You can say you are angry. You can say you are frustrated. But hitting is not acceptable.” I cannot tell you how many times I have to tell my kids that! Especially my son! But the other day it paid off when I heard my son say, “I don’t like that! That’s not right and makes me mad!” He even did it without hitting his sister! Sweet!

My daughter is really good at this, “Daddy, you know when you yelled at me for disobeying you really broke my heart and made me sad.” Of course, I feel like a pill, but at least she is talking. If we talk, we can work things out. If we sulk, nothing happens.

Most of the time I have no idea if all the little things I do will help my children work hard, be happy, and have families of their own. I hope, but I don’t know. There are many times I talk with God about my kids and parenting. The conversation goes something like this, “Please don’t let me screw up my kids! Help me to love them and show my love everyday. Help them to be independent. To know You. To turn to You when I’m not there. Help them have families of their own some day. Help them understand that I did my best.”

I love being a parent. But parenting…parenting is hard work. Especially if you want to raise your children to be independent adults.

Photo by Vandalog

Son and I had just dropped Daughter off at school.  In the morning I like to make my kids laugh, so I started to sing something silly.

“I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner…” I started, rather loudly and off-key.

“Ewww! That’s gross!”

“What do you mean?  You like hot dogs!”

“But Oscar [the Grouch] likes trash!  That’s gross!”

More profound than he will ever know.

Photo by AlanCleaver_2000

Last night we discussed money around the dinner table.  More specifically, we talked about setting up a weekly allowance for each of our children.  Daughter is seven and Son is 4.  Up until recently, what they got for Christmas and birthdays covered what they wanted at the toy store throughout the year.  Unfortunately, as they get older, the toys become more expensive.  This was, ultimately, the reason for the allowance discussion.

I think allowances are great.  I think a regular allowance teaches children how to save and manage money.  Allowances are a great way to teach children about living on a cash-only system early, before the mistakes take several years to pay off.

I do have a couple of reservations.

I don’t want to encourage my children to adopt a welfare mentality.

I’m not knocking welfare.  There were times in our marriage when we were very glad for any government assistance to help us get through tough times.  We never expected the money to just ‘show up’ though.  We knew we needed to work to make a living.

I want to make sure my children understand that money is the reward for working hard, rather than a basic human right.

Which brings me to my second reservation.

I don’t want my children to see money as a reward for doing things that are a natural part of being a family.

I don’t ever want to pay my kids for cleaning their room.  Having a clean room is a basic part of being family.  Taking your dishes to the kitchen after dinner is a part of living in a family.  Picking up after your self is part of living in a family.

I don’t want my kids to feel they should get paid to do the little things that make ‘family’ work.

What we decided.

We decided to assign a monetary value to things we thought were above the basic expectation of being part of the family for each child, based on their age.  Each child can earn up to $5 a week if they complete all the tasks on their list.

Let me give you an example.  Putting your laundry in the laundry basket and helping forgetful family members do the same is a natural part of being family.  Folding the towels, on the other hand, is something a seven-year-old can do, but wouldn’t be a regular expectation for her age.  Sorting the laundry by color and type is something my four-year-old son can do, but it wouldn’t be a regular expectation for someone his age.  So, if they do those tasks, my kids would earn $1 to $2 dollars, based on difficulty and age.

We’re just staring this allowance thing, so I will let you know how it goes.  I am curious to know what you do in your household to teach your kids about money.  Don’t hesitate to let us know in the comments.

Photo by SVanes

Every male member on one side of my family has died before the age of 60.  There are lots of reasons, but mostly they didn’t take care of themselves and didn’t listen to anything any doctor had to say.

My dad has made huge strides in breaking this trend.  He’s had multiple stints, bypass surgery, survived cancer, and battles diabetes but he listens to the doctors. (And he’s on an exercise plan.  I’m pretty excited about that!)

Even when my younger brother and I were small, Mom and Dad taught us how to control our eating, to listen to doctors, and to exercise.  I remember running in Malaysia with my Dad when I was eight or nine.  They encouraged us to be active.  They bought us anything we needed to pursue active hobbies.  They bought all my camping equipment when I was in Scouts.  Dad went with me and bought my rock climbing shoes, harness and chalk bag.  They did the same for my brother when he pursued baseball and basketball.  They pretty much supported anything that allowed us to be physically active.

I remained physically active through college.  But, as the story goes, I got married, had kids, and let the physically activity coast to a stop.

When I turned 30, my metabolism decided it had worked hard enough.  I started putting on a bit of weight here and there.  Nothing huge, but alarming nonetheless.

I didn’t like where I was heading physically.  I wanted to be able to play with my kids and grandkids without the limitations my father’s health places on him.  About 2 months ago I started working out to an old step aerobics video.  It was great, but wasn’t working fast enough.  A couple of weeks ago, I found this workout, http://www.fitnessdietcenter.com/navy-seals/.  I’m too old to enlist, but I thought, “The SEALs would be great role models for getting into shape.  I think I’ll give it a go.”  I also joined my daughter’s Tae Kwan Do class on Friday nights.

So far, the workout is going well. (I’ve been pretty sore!) I was way too out of shape to start up immediately.  I’m actually working up to Week One.  I should be there the first week of November.  I am going to post my exercise journal on my blog, http://www.pauldwatson.com, if you want to join me, or if you just want to follow along.

Christi and I are also following my parent’s example and encouraging our children to be active.  Son does ‘Play for Sport’ at the local preschool and Daughter is a yellow belt in Tae Kwan Do. (She outranks me and I’m cool with it!)

I know this post has been longer than most on this blog, but I have a point:  What bad habits does your family have?  What have you done in your life to break those family habits?  How are you helping your kids break those habits?  Yours may not be physical.  Perhaps they are educational, vocational, or financial.  Regardless, are you living in a way to help your kids break the chains of that family habit?

Think about it.

*****

I thought I’d leave you with a video of my daughter breaking boards at a city health fair.  I was completely impressed!  I see this video as one success from my parents’ decision to break unhealthy family habits!