Off The Record... On The Net!

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:03:00 +0000

This Blog Is Now At http://www.thevigilidiot.com. Go now, Shoo!

Of Ekta Kapoor & K-Soap Screenplays!

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Wed, 20 May 2009 09:21:00 +0000

Over the years, I have seen more than my fair share of Television. This includes religious following of every television fad from the "Popular-American-Show-Dubbed-in-Hindi" Phase (Small Wonder, Superhuman Samurai Cybersquad, & the like), to the "Quiz Show" Phase (BQC, KBC), to the current "Unbelievably Scripted Reality Show" Phase . However, there is one TV fad that never really caught on with me.. The Star Soap Parivaar! I guess I never really got the novelty of the thing. Lemme rephrase that. No one, other than bored housewives, really got the novelty of the thing. I mean, I can understand a 'Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki' here, and a 'Kyunki...' there, catching on TRP fire. But going by the sheer volume of these mondo-hit soaps, there is obviously something that we're all missing here.

Having said that, just because we don't get it, doesn't mean we can't profit off of it, right? Primetime Soap Operas have been going through a lull lately. So I thought we could scoot in on this market and come up with our own scripts to sell. Click below to create your own (Insert Auspicious Letter)-Serial!

Presenting the Soap Opera Script Generator!

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:13:00 +0000

Well, we're back after the "strategic break" I took post my last post a couple weeks ago... which has since been universally panned *Frown*. But anyway, moving on, this seems like a brilliant place to cue in a format change. Now, this concept isn't the most original out there. http://bit.ly/13f7yD being where I first came across it (Awesomelicious Blog, that, by the way).

Presenting Love In The Time Of Social Networking!

Word of Advice: Read from the bottom up for it to make sense. Well, somewhat more sense than it'll make if you read it the other way, anyway. Also, I'd wait a bit for the image to load. Apologies to your ISP dudes for hogging up your bandwidth!

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Awwal Number

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 22:15:00 +0000

In keeping with the flavour of this festive IPL season, this post reviews 'Awwal Number' - A movie that's as much about cricket, as it is about the "extenuating circumstances" that can lead a man into a life of violence & Jihad...

Unfortunately for us, that's pretty much where one Producer-Director-Scriptwriter-Lead Actor by the name of Dev Anand ran out of ideas on how best to turn Aamir Khan away from doing sports movies for the rest of his career. So this shoutout goes to ol' Mr.Perfectionist himself, who was actually brave enough to look past the horror that was this cricket fiasco and pull off Lagaan. Dude, You Got Balls!

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Fashion

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 23:54:00 +0000

Fashion was supposed to be "another" hard-hitting expose' from the Madhur Bhandarkar stable of genius filmmaking. This, however, is what I took away from the movie.

Mad Ads - Airtel Digital TV: The 'Stars Come Home' Contest

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 20:52:00 +0000

The Airtel Digital TV 'Stars Come Home' Contest is pretty straightforward. You sign up for a new connection and get a chance to bring your favourite star home for an afternoon filled with celebrity fun and frolic. Now, I have nothing against the ad here. It checks out pretty decently, really. No! Its presence here is owed to the actual contest it endorses.

It's not exactly the most original concept in the world, 'Bring Your Favourite Celebrity Home', is it? It is, however, one of the most Fuck All. I mean, Dude! Winning this contest is pretty much tantamount to being sentenced to a week's worth of slavery. Think about it. And I mean, really think about it! By some mind-numbing act of God, you win the contest and Kareena's about to drop in. You, now, basically have to extract every resource at your disposal in an effort to prettify your house and make it celebworthy. Probably get your home repainted... Replace the furniture... Buy a new dining set... & I haven't even gotten to the logistics of fitting her entire entourage in your living room yet.

I mean, it's okay if you're like a die-hard fan, and you're actually a big enough loser to be fine with all the baggage. But, the cost-factor aside, if you're the average 35-50 year old familyman, or about 90% of Airtel Digital TV's target demographic, the pressure of having Kareena Kapoor in your home, quietly judging your life through her fake wedding smile and beady celebrity eyes, is something you just don't wanna sign up for. Even if there is only a 1 in 10,000 chance that you might actually win. Really, man! All I wanted was fuckin Satellite TV... Not Superstar Condemnation!

As we sign off, a quiet word for one Ms. Amrita Arora. The celeb-in-law who features as prominently in the Ad as the rest of them luminaries, but Alas! Doesn't get a mention anywhere in the contest credits. I mean, how sad is that? If you haven't seen the celebrity version of a 'You-Don't-Belong-Here-So-Take-A-Hike-Sistah' Slap in the Face moment... Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: 8x10 Tasveer

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 23:50:00 +0000

*Major Ass Spoiler Alert*

In a pre-release interview, Nagesh Kukunoor requested critics not to reveal the ending of this movie in their reviews. I still kinda like some of his work, so in an unbelievable show of will-power, I've waited 2 weeks to publish this... It's a lot longer than the movie's actually played in theatres, so I'm pretty sure no one's gonna be complaining. However, if you do plan on watching this movie, for whatever unfathomable reason, this would be a good point to turn away and check out some of the other posts in this blog here.

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Saawariya

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:41:00 +0000

Despite what Sanjay Leela Bhansali might have to say, Saawariya is little more than a faithful adaptation of the Tamil movie 'Iyarkai', which, in turn, is based on 'White Nights' - A short story by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

Now, Dostoyevski is one of the great philosophers of the 19th Century.... The founder of 20th Century existentialism... A writer regarded widely as one of the greatest and most influential the world has ever seen. So you might be forgiven for thinking that a movie based on a movie based on an adaptation of one of his works might not be half bad. Well, start seeking forgiveness right now, because this movie is such a diluted piece of storytelling shit, I can actually narrate it in 7 panels.

The Movie Saawariya in 7 Easy Steps

You probably don't know it yet, but if you haven't seen the movie, that's 2 hours of your life I just saved you there.

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Thoda Pyaar, Thoda Magic

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:37:00 +0000

Having hit a slight case of Writer's Block, this shall be the fourth straight comic strip update.

Thoda Pyaar, Thoda Magic is an "Emotional, Children's Drama", apparently. Or, it was supposed to be anyways. What the final product came out looking like, however... I leave you to go through my highly exaggerated illustrated version to decide.

For those interested, that's not how it really ends. She comes back to real life in human form and the movie ends with them having a kid who has magical powers. Don't ask. I didn't even include it in the storyboard, it was that cringeworthy! You can probably imagine...

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Chori Chori Chupke Chupke

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 21:12:00 +0000

I won't bother with the obligatory lead-ins. Let's jump right to it, shall we?

Chori Chori Chupke Chupke is an emotional drama that deals with the supposedly taboo topic of surrogate motherhood in India. It's presence on this blog, however, should let you know just how emotional the drama actually is. Here's a quick summary for you.

And about the worst part about this whole fiasco is the fact that I didn't even really go into the whole family showing up in Switzerland tangent. Believe me, if I could've illustrated some of the shit that goes down in that sub-plot... Well, never mind. I think this should've given you a fair enough idea about the crapiness, that is CCCC, right here.

Next time, a return to our pure writing roots. That is subject to funny concept ideation, though. I wouldn't really keep my hopes up, but worst case - I get to use MSPaint more. I'm not complaining.

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Kidnap

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:14:00 +0000

Regular readers should pretty much be in tune with the way things proceed here by now. The irregulars... Well, I'm sure you'll catch on.

As promised in the last entry here, the movie I'm covering today is Kidnap -A truly astonishing revenge saga for the ages. So without further adieu, here we go!

Next Time... Well, We Shall See...

Unintentionally Funny, Must Watch Bollywood Movies: Junoon

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:48:00 +0000

It has been brought to my attention that recent posts may not have lived upto certain standards people've been used to. And even though no one outside of my Facebook Friends List reads this, I'd still like to think that that's enough people worth improving for. Hence, this slight overhaul to the 'Unintentionally Funny Movies' series, vis a vis One Movie per post (Was that the correct usage?) , with minimum action descriptions! I mean, there's only so much Ghaat I can explain in words, right? How do we go about it then? You shall find out soon enough.

In this edition, we'll be dealing with the 1992 Mahesh Bhatt masterclass, Junoon.

Junoon tells the poignant tale of a love triangle between a man, a woman and a weretiger. Since I said that I'd refrain from the heady descriptions, I innovated a little. That's right! Presenting 'Junoon - The Graphic Novel!'

Uh, I may have taken a few creative liberties with the end there, but that's really the way it should've gone. And about my "awesome" graphics, this is still way better than the effects they generated in the actual movie... Which isn't saying much, but still. I'm pretty sure you'll get confused as to which character is which in some of the panels, but don't worry! You're still probably way better off on the confusion scale than some of the people who've actually seen this movie.

Tomorrow, or day after if I don't feel like it today, The 'Kidnap' Comic Strip and why there's enough silicon in that movie to give The Valley a run for its money.

Mad Ads: Part 2 - The TeleSucking Network!

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 03:06:00 +0000

We’ve grown up watching them. Airing on channels no one watches, not unlike B4U and Alpha TV Punjabi, and occasionally on half-popular ones post midnight. You know what I’m talking about. Those hilariously dubbed over infomercials with the American Bikini Models talking about their “Khubsoorat Figure Ka Raaz”. Yep, that’s right. We shall be focusing exclusively on Home Shopping tonight, gentlemen and ladies.

Not the bad dubbing or the unbelievable overnight before and after makeovers they portray, though. Those’ve been spoofed to overkill already. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t mind a badly produced ad if the product had enough weight on its own. God knows there’re a million awful brands with brilliant ad campaigns to back them. A good case-in-point being Virgin Mobile, whose network coverage is less than Adnan Sami pre-makeover... Oh, or Aishwarya Rai now.

Let’s get into it then. Bad Products, Badder Ads!

Liquid Sense

The Opposite Sex Seducer… Humans or Otherwise!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Liquid%20Sense.asp

Liquid Sense is apparently a perfume loaded with pheromones that help you attract the opposite sex. The Liquid Sense infomercial is an Ad so amazingly misguided, it’s kinda like that moment where Sunil Shetty and Co. must’ve gone, “Yes, we have read the script and we wanna do Jaani Dushman”. In that, it makes no sense!

The infomercial starts with the customary ‘geek being rejected, applying the product, then getting his groove on with the office hottie’ drill. We then delve into the finer aspects of the product, and that’s where it all goes into bizarrovision. We find out, in Discovery Channel documentary style, about pheromones and how all animal and insect species use them to attract the opposite sex. We are bombarded with trivia about how cats emit them in their pee or some such. Not once, however, do they mention whether the chemical composition of these pheromones is different in each animal species. It is left on an open note for us to assume that these pheromones are universal and, so, if a female cat happens to take a whizz around a horny male dog, we will be witness to something very, very disturbing. The ad also fails to mention if the perfume smells nice or not. But with it being found in cat pee and everything, I guess I don’t blame them for not wanting to talk about the scent.

Anyways, back to the product. Well, it sucks balls, I would assume. I mean, come on! A love potion? That’s like something out of a bad 90’s sitcom. And if Liquid Sense works anything like that, you’ll probably end up with 22 minutes worth of comical situations, mostly involving you attracting the ugliest person you see. Not recommended!

Urine Gone

A Murderer’s Best Friend!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Urine%20Gone.asp

‘Urine Gone’ is the reason why the word “Wotdafuck!” was invented. Alright, I only just made that word up. But when it does eventually find its way into the Oxford Dictionary, you guys can bear witness to the fact that this is why it was first used. Urine Gone, if branded a little more subtly, might’ve actually been a useful product in houses with pets, as it promises to get rid of stains and odors caused by pet pee.

However, the ad, in a matter-of-fact tone highly inappropriate for a product such as this, also mentions how it can get rid of human blood… Which would’ve been acceptable by itself but for the next part which makes matters a lot shadier. See, the package also comes with a black light. A black light, for those of you who don’t watch CSI or any of its million spinoffs, is a tool used by forensic detectives to detect “bodily fluid” stains which are not visible to the naked eye. The mind truly boggles wondering as to what the motivations behind marketing this product and its accessories to the mass public, including potential psycho killers, are... Unless they actually wanted to facilitate blood spatter and DNA-free crime scenes, the mentioning of the invisible blood detection and elimination is something a lotta people might’ve wanted to steer clear of. Not these guys though!

But seriously! “For People Accidents”!? And they say it right on the cover too. Do they really expect the layperson to face situations such as the following?

“Average Joe: Hmm, I peed on the carpet today but I seem to have forgotten where. Good thing I have this black light handy. Thanks to Urine Gone, my house is pee-free!”

Seriously, Wotdafuck!?

Disco Fever

Audio CD Collection cum Respect Eliminator!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Disco%20Fever.asp

If you thought the motivations behind marketing the murder toolkit above were questionable, get a load of this grooviness. ‘Disco Fever’ is a 120 song Multi-CD Collection of disco tunes from the 1970’s, digitally remastered for studio perfect sound. All for a price of just Rs. 3999 + Postage and Handling.

4000 bucks for like 7 CDs. Scratch that… 4000 bucks for like 7 CDs with songs from an era where the Bee Gees were still Da Bomb. I just have one question. Umm… Why?

Now, if I happen to lead into a product with 2 images such as the ones given above, what would your first thought be? Hearing aid? Feng-Shui Crystals? Astrological Sign Gemstones? WRONG! I would, of course, be talking about a weight loss program!

Acu-Slim

“Nyanyanyanyanyanah! We just screwed you… Fatass!”

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Acu%20Slim.asp

The Acu-Slim earrings apparently help you with weight loss. Cue the “Oh Brother!” Rolling Eyes. This is one of those “*Conditions apply” sorta deals, where if you don’t read and listen closely, you’ll be suckered and the product won’t work for ya. Of course, if you do read and listen closely, you probably won’t buy the product to begin with.

Anyways, these magnetic earrings have some accupressurising mumbo-jumbo working for them. Wear these studs and be on your way to a fitter you. Oh, however, and this is the *Conditions Apply part, you have to substitute your diet for a more nutritious one and follow a moderate to heavy exercise program.

Real World Equivalents

Girlfriend (to Boyfriend): Of course I’ll be less possessive… if you stop talking to other girls.

Varun Gandhi: I stand by everything that I said in that speech… but the tape was doctored.

All Non-Manchester United Fans: _______ (Arsenal / Chelsea / Liverpool) are the best… even though we haven’t won anything worth a mention in 3 years.

The Hollywood Purse Hook

The Bhenji’s Bling!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Purse%20Kit.asp

Even though the term ‘Hollywood’ betrays a lot of non-existent glamour, you should know that this product is nothing more than a glorified nail. It’s basically a suction cup with a hook attachment for hanging your purse on. You know, instead of having to put it on the floor… Or God forbid, on the table where you’re going to attach the hook (Which pretty much renders as much space useless as the purse would’ve). That’s enough to null and void this product off the market right there, really. And I haven’t even mentioned the countless inevitable footmarks on your handbag, the loss of legspace and the possibility of seekh-kababing yourself yet.

Until the next list then folks, it’s over and out!

The Ghaat Goes International: Part -1

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 05:42:00 +0000

Having dealt with the sublime Ghaatiness that only Bollywood can provide, I think it's time we took the next step. That's right! Just because we happen to make movies that reincarnate our characters into anything from snakes to supercars, doesn't mean that our cross-ocean brethren are much immune to this affliction. And this first list should reiterate that statement to no end.

The Mistress of Spices

Intended Genre: Modern Fairytale

Actual Genre: A Conventional, Albeit Fucked Up, Love-Triangle

Alright, this might be a cop-out on my part because this movie is as Hollywood as Slumdog was Indian. But cut me a break, I'm trying to ease into the transition here.

'The Mistress of Spices' hopes to be a modern fairytale love epic complete with a princess type chick trapped in a castle type place. Only, while fairytales are supposed to be bubblegum candy flossish, this movie pretty much reeks of jealousy, betrayal and the fury of a woman scorned, which hell hath none of.

About 3 minutes into the movie, we learn that Aishwarya is part of a divine sisterhood of spice healers (Which is like Homeopathy... minus the scientifically proven medicines, but plus condiments such as Haldi and Dhania). These spice healers are spread all over the world with their own individual stores and are held to a strict code of rules that they dareth not breaketh. Some of these include "Thou Shalt Not Touch A Human Being" and "Thou Shalt Not Leave The Spice Store You Are Eternally Employed In".

About 5 minutes into the movie, however, we see ^ this ^ scene.

The commandments are evidently restricted to guys who have formerly played lead roles in the courtroom drama 'The Practice'. Enter our prince charming, who has an accident in front of the store, and a literally untouchable love blooming between the two. Being the horny NRI that she is, the spice healer eventually gives in, after putting up a customary, and unbelievably fake fight. She feels him up. What follows is turmoil as the spices turn on her and bring doom to anyone she prescribes them to. At this moment, we can safely assume that the 'Mistress', as much as the director would want you to believe is Aishwarya, is actually Dylan McDermott.

Aishwarya pleads with the spices to give her one night of hot, steaming, monkey lovin' with her man, after which she vows to move back to India to cleanse herself (!?) But that doesn't happen, as after walking out on the guy the next morning after getting hers, the store is set afire with her in it. What follows is a ridiculous dream sequence diatribe from the original 90 year old Spice Mistress, the Mistress Mom if you will, about how Ash has cleansed herself and is free from the curse now.

So to sum up kids, the spices spend their entire life devoting themselves to curing other people's problems, all the while balancing a relationship with a frustrated desi girl, while she's off getting it on with corporate lawyers. In the end, the spices burn to the ground, while the adulterer lives happily ever after.

Moral of the Story - Nice guys finish last!

Batman & Robin

Intended Genre: Superhero Flick

Actual Genre: Movies That Induce Permanent Brain Damage Due To Excessive Cringing

Before the brillliance that was Christopher Nolan and Batman Begins, there was Director Joel Schumacher and this. George Clooney in a batsuit with nipples. Also featuring in Nipple Suits are Robin and Batgirl. Their unbelievable turn-on-edness aside, this movie deserves kudos for being able to come up with scenes, each successively more cringeworthy than the one that came before it. The bad guys in this movie are Arnold "The Guvanor" as the god-awful-pun-spewing Mr. Freeze and Uma Thurman as the apparently seductive Poison Ivy.

Now, by awful puns I mean sentences such as:

"Ice to Meet You!"

"Revenge is a dish best served.... *Ominous Soap Opera Pause*... Cold!"

"Let's Kick Some Ice!"

... and so on and so forth.

By cringeworthy scenes, I mean exchanges such as the one below. A little background - This is a scene where Poison Ivy has given the two some sorta love potion and has put herself up on auction or something... Don't ask:

Batman: [Batman bids for Poison Ivy] One million dollars!

Robin: Two million!

Batman: You don't have it. Three million!
Robin: I'll borrow it from you! Four million!

Batman: Five million!

Robin: That's a utility belt, not a money belt. Six million.
[Batman looks at Robin and then produces something from said-belt. And this is where it gets really fucked up!]

Batman [firmly]: Seven million.

Batman [with smug, gay grin] Never leave the cave without it!

I mean, a credit card? Scratch that. A credit card which is "Good Thru: Forever"!? In the words of a very wise man, the wise man being a friend-in-law... Gay!

You can almost picture the Ad:

Nipple Suit: $5000

Batmobile with Accessories: $500,000

MMS Scandal with Batman & Robin Making Out: Priceless

But the one playful banterish scene that really makes you respect Christopher Nolan for managing to take the franchise to where it is now, is the one given below, after the duo get anti-brainwashed:

[talking about Poison Ivy, whose USP is nature and flowers)
Robin: I can't believe we were fighting over a bad guy!

Batman: Bad- Yes. Guy? No.

Robin: Well I'm totally over her, alright? Positively!

Batman: Me too! Definitely!
[pause]

Batman: Great stems, though...

Robin: Buds, too.

Batman [nostalgically]: Yeah, those were nice...

Yes. Just what we want our friendly neighbourhood superheroes to think about before a major rescue operation. Way to go guys! *Thumbs Up*

Cast Away

Intended Genre: Survivor Story That Celebrates The Human Spirit

Actual Genre: A looooong commercial break with an interval in between

Yeah, a lotta other movies deserve to make this list before this one. And I actually think Tom Hanks was brilliant as ever here. But come on. Cast Away, in its lowest common denominator form, is an elaborately staged 2 hour Fedex ad. With Wilson sports equipment thrown into the mix. Here's a quick summary for you.

Hanks is a Fedex manager of some sort who crashes on a desert island along with a few packages they were delivering. He gets off the island a couple of years later and delivers the package to the address it was supposed to go to. Oh, and while on the island, he makes best friends with a Wilson Volleyball. The end!

I mean, come on. "When it absolutely, positively has to get there...." "A real player's best ally!" Jesus! Make it less subtle, why dontcha! In the middle of all this product placement orgy, there is a tale of lost love there somewhere. But when that love, Helen Hunt's, last scene takes place 45 minutes before the actual ending with the product delivery, you can't blame me for getting thrown off as to the point of the movie here.

Crank

Intended Genre: High-Paced Comedy Action Thriller

Actual Genre: Speed 3: Cholestrol Control

The premise is sorta interesting, I guess. A hitman gets injected with a highly concentrated dose of adrenalin or some shit, which pretty much means that if his heart rate falls below 100/min, it'll explode. The logic is still a little fuzzy to me, so I would refrain from questions thereabouts. Anyways, for the next hour and a half, we see the guy trying to hunt down the rival assassin for an antidote, all the while trying to keep his heart pumping. Some of the novel ways he comes up with to do that include head banging to the Beegees and other equally unheadbangable bands, forcing a hospital intern to give him electroshock therapy while he's still conscious and pretty much raping his girlfriend in the middle of a packed street to the cheers of an understandably excited, but shockingly shameless crowd.

The movie ends with the guy apologising to his girlfriend on the phone while.... wait for it... falling 30,000 feet from an aeroplane without a parachute. Oh, and the call is made while he is falling, after a mid-freefall execution of his assassin enemy. I kid you not! He hits the ground and dies after hanging up. But having said that, Crank 2: High Voltage hits theatres this Summer. Guess reincarnation isn't a Ghaati concept restricted to us.

Daredevil

Intended Genre: Superhero Flick

Actual Genre: An Introduction to Rajinikanth's Parallel Universe Alter-Ego

Even if you look past the fact that Daredevil is a pussy who gets beat on by a girl, Daredevil still kicks ass on the Ghaati front. About the ghaatiest scene to have ever been put on Superhero celluloid involves Daredevil's Arch-Nemesis, who goes by the name of Bullseye. Kinda gives new meaning to the age-old hero catchphrase, "I eat guys like you for breakfast", huh?

Anyways, Bullseye is about the lamest villain this side of Anupam Kher's Dr. Dang. Bullseye is an Irish assassin who, unlike other supervillains who travel in killer private jets and choppers, flies economy class on a budget airline. In this particularly "Holy Hell, that did not just happen!" inducing moment, Bullseye is stuck next to an octogenarian who can't keep her mouth shut. We've all been there. Getting seated next to irritating co-passengers. Where we haven't been is this next scene where Bullseye breaches his threshold for patience and in a Rajinikanth-from-Sivaji inspired moment of random skill, takes a single peanut... bounces it off the frontseat tray... into her mouth... and chokes the bitch to death. Dude!

Maybe it'd have helped if she had nice "stems" or "buds".

It's a wrap for this edition then, readers. Later!

Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies: Part 3 – The Ghaat Resurrected

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:10:00 +0000

Yes, folks. We’re back! After the slight diversion, we return to our Ghaati roots with this, the third part of the Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies series. So let’s get right to it, shall we?

Karzzzz

You might remember we covered part of this masterpiece in the first sequel. I have since realized that trying to lay out the dumbassity of this movie scene by scene is a true exercise in futility. Instead, let’s try and dwell on the characters, because the storyline is so full of shit anyways, it’s pretty much immune to any amount I can dish out against it.

The members of one of the worst ensemble casts to ever have shared screen space include:

Rockstar Monty played by Himess Bhai. But we’ve covered him already.

Also covered, include Rockstar Monty’s 65 year old stepdad, played by Raj Babbar, who practices jumping down floors in royal palaces during his free time.

… And his translife love, Kamini, played by Urmila Matondkar. It should be noted, that the name is pronounced Kaa-Mi-Ni and not Ka-Mee-Ni, even though the latter more accurately describes her character. That is a moot point though, as she is only referred to as ‘Princess’ throughout the length of the movie. That’s right. Princess! I can think of at least two of my friends’ pets named that. And that’s just off the top of my head. However, more shocking than the choice of nomenclature is its origin. Apparently, in Kenya (Yes, that’s where the story is set), all you have to do to earn that title is inherit a wine estate from the man you killed off. So now you know why Vijay Mallya is called the ‘King’ of Good Times.

The most “What the Fuck Just Happened There” moments are, however, reserved exclusively for Gulshan Grover’s character “Sir Judah”. At this moment, I would like to stress on the fact that I am not making any of this up. Sir Judah was apparently supposed to be based on Sir Stephen Hawking. Only, while Sir Stephen Hawking is one of most gifted intellectual minds on our planet today, Sir Judah is a frikkin douchebag.

I mean, the frilled sleeves scream out Austin Powers more than impaired genius. And there’s nothing even wrong with the guy, by the way. He can walk, he can see, he can hear. About the only thing wrong with him is the fact that he’s a mute. Something he compensates for by communicating through a casio type attachment on his arm. That’s right; he plays musical notes which are then decoded into humanspeak by his two henchmen.

Love Story 2050

Intended Genre: Sci-Fi Romance

Actual Genre: Films That’ll Make You Kill Yourselves Just So That You Don’t Have To Face The ‘Future’ Depicted Therein

The story sucks balls on so many different levels, it’s worse than a game of Ms. Pacman (You know, because the game involved eating balls and had like 256 levels). A Hrithik Roshan-Emraan Hashmi cross-hybrid, with an impossibly fake accent, falls for a chick. Chick dies. For no fathomable reason, other than the fact that the chick once mentions fleetingly that she wants to visit the year 2050, the hybrid decides that that’s where he’ll find her. Because it’s so hard to argue with logic like that, I’ll move on to the post-interval half. Enter the hybrid’s professor uncle whose pet project is, very conveniently, a time machine. The guy makes the trip, finds the chick, fights off some customary future goons, and brings the future Mrs. Hybrid back to Present Standard Time.

The future depicted here is, evidently, in awful need of good songwriters. Because the chick has been reincarnated as, wonder of wonders, The Biggest Popstar In The Entire World. What is her record breaking hit single, you ask? It’s a song whose chorus goes,

“Hey you, loverboy!

Will you be my toy?”

Yes. A chartbusting number, indeed.

You’d think that, being the future and all, our hero’d have a cool sidekick. And he does, if you consider a pink teddy bear called ‘Boo’ a cool sidekick. But again, like ‘Karzzzz’, the most unintentionally hilarious part of the entire fiasco is the villain, Dr. Hoshi, played, once again, by Gulshan Grover.

Hmm, a villain with a Japanese name, Count Dracula’s cape, a mask not unlike the one worn by Cobra Commander from the G.I. Joe series and the powers of Dragonball Z. A lethal combination in 2050, I’m sure. In 2009, however…….. *Shaking Head in Disappointment and Disapproval*

Ta Ra Rum Pum

Intended Genre: Nuclear Family Drama Set Against a NASCAR Background

Actual Genre: A Lesson In Bad Parenting During Recessionary Times

Having to look at Rani's Thunder Thighs in skirts that get shorter with each song should be reason enough to turn you off this one. I can give you a lot more, if you so please, though.

The story involves Saif as a stock car driver who goes from underdog to America's ace racer, all the while romancing this Bengali chick who he refers to exclusively as *Shudder* 'Shona'. Shona's dad, however, is disapproving of the budding relationship as he thinks racing is not a steady source of income*.

*It should be noted that the NASCAR driver who finished last in the 2007 season earned a grand total of $7 Million post taxes.

Anyways, the two kids elope, Shona quits her studies, has two kids and settles down comfortably while Saif gets into an accident on the tracks and loses any semblance of form and confidence that he ever had. Fired from the team, we realize that America's best racer is broke. With no reasonable explanations given on where all the money went, we can only speculate that savings are a concept hopelessly lost on NRI racers. Either that, or Shona's been a very naughty lil' girl.

The family auctions their home and moves into a shady neighbourhood. At least that's what they tell us. The producers even make sure that the entire block is occupied exclusively by African Americans and Hispanics, just so we get the point.

Now, I've noticed a sudden spate in the taking of quizzes over on Facebook, so here's a quick one for ya.

Q - You're an NRI family living in The States. You inexplicably go broke. You have two kids to support. What do you do?

a) Move back to India, where the cost of living is significantly lesser.

b) Suck it up, let go of your ego for the sake of your kids and approach your wife's dad for a job or something.

c) Take up a job with the pit crew of a racing team. You were the best racer in the country 4 months ago. God knows managers will be falling all over themselves to recruit you.

d) Move to a bronx neighbourhood, take up a job as a cab driver and then tell your kids it's because you're part of a Reality TV show so as to "shield and protect" them.

Yep, if you trust the presence of this movie on this list, you can be sure that the dumbasses chose Option D. In what was my ultimate Laugh-Out-Loud moment while researching this loveliness, the following is a quote from the movie's Wikipedia Page.

"The plot of this film can be compared with that of Will Ferrell's Tallageda Nights."

For those not in the know, Tallageda Nights is a spoofy comedy along the lines of "Dumb & Dumber" and is anything but the family drama Ta Ra Rum Pum hopes to be.

Taarzan: The Wonder Car

Intended Genre: Fun Action Adventure with Reincarnation Angle

Actual Genre: Knight Rider Meets Karzzzz

Taarzan's movie poster is one of the single most "Are You Frikkin Kiddin Me!?" Pieces of Movie Art to ever have made it past the conceptual stage. I take that back, actually. The art work is alright. It's that one line which reads "It will drive you crazy" that truly blows you away with its unbelievable accuracy.

Sample this. Ajay Devgan is a scientist/mechanic who is working on a top secret futuristic car called "DC" that blows the hell outta anything from Love Story 2050. He also has a shitty car given to him by his dad called "Taarzan". Ajay is killed soon into the movie by other evil scientists after the designs. Years later, we meet his son, also a mechanic, who runs into Taarzan in a scrapyard. He buys the piece of junk and spends time restoring and upgrading it into something out of Speed Racer.

Pretty acceptable fare so far, huh? Not for long, as Ajay Devgan's spirit somehow manages to find its way into the car and starts taking 'Badlaa' on the wrongdoers. Yessir! The dad is reincarnated as the car!

The funniest bit of research trivia, again from its Wikipedia Page, would have to go to the fact that the movie was actually made as a prelude to the launching of the Taarzan car into mass production. However, "Due to huge failure of the movie at the box office, the car was never launched."

Moral of the Story: The Ol' Reincarnation Angle may not be the best marketing strategy when it comes to supercars.

Suryavanshi

Intended Genre: Fantasy Reincarnation Horror Drama

Actual Genre: "I'm Sorry. Wha!?"

Suryavanshi is one of those amazing movies that you really have to see to believe. It's funny that after three instalments of this series, more than half the movies covered have involved some form of rebirth. This is no different.

The story involves Salman going to an archaelogical dig of a palace where, in a previous life he was a prince, his friend was a character based on the Norse God, Thor (Wikipedia's words, not mine) and Amrita Singh was a princess. The princess has a wooing contest involving gladiators, man-eating leopards and a cannibal, bred to destroy humans. The Thor wala guy dies. Then, Salman's prince dude comes and defeats the monster. When the princess offers her hand, he turns her down saying that he only wanted to avenge his friend's death. Her father, the king, fights to make him undo that insult. The princess, distraught, jumps off the castle to her death. Distracted, Salman is stabbed by the king. The Queen mother then condems the princess' soul to eternally be trapped within the castle walls.

Cut to the present, when Salman and girlfriend Sheeba, go into the castle late at night to do the hanky-panky. The princess' spirit catches sight of Salman and is as happy as a spooky, eternally trapped spirit can be. She catches sight of the girlfriend, however, and gets so enraged that she, not unlike most scorned exes, "sends flaming missiles at the two" (Direct quote, again). In the middle of all this "getting back at the bitch who stole ma man" tomfoolery, Salman has an epiphany that he is, in fact, the prince from the prior life. He then "changes form, similar to the transformation of He-Man" (I Swear, I am not making this shit up) and fights her off with an incantation he finds lying around the castle handy.

If you want to know what Pagan Norse-yness is all about, this is as entertaining and as inaccurate an account as you'll ever get.

Until next time then, dear readers. Adios!

Mad Ads: Part-1

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 23:31:00 +0000

Coming from an advertising background (a phrase used very loosely seeing as to how I recently quit my job as a Copywriter with an Ad Agency here after all of 10 months), I hardly have any right to make fun of the very career that has provided for me over this period. Having said that, if I can't make fun of the field, I certainly can make fun of the fielders!

The Indian Ad Industry is up there with the best. They've won awards at international fests. They've featured in Ad Magazines abroad. And they've come up with campaigns that've given our generation new catchphrases to quote and overkill to a burnt crisp. But with the sheer volume of commercials airing on TV these days, every so often comes an ad so unique, so distinct and so astonishingly senseless, it kills the buzz created by the good ones faster than you can say, "I'm Lovin It". Here's a tribute to some of them.

Mad Ad#1 : Mistdress - The Spray On BandAid

I'll let you take a moment and reflect on the sheer inappropriateness of the name of that product. Because I'll tell ya, it's pronounced the exact same way it shouldn't be.

Now, when you make the inexplicable mistake of naming a product 'Mistdress', a product aimed at mothers and kids, I might add, it's hard for an advertiser to sidestep that awkward, indecorous barrier. What you look to do then is be tactful and try and divert attention elsewhere. What you don't do is come up with a product mascot, such as the Spray-On BandAid wielding, sari-clad, superheroine type figure by the name of "Mistdress Mom", that they did.

I tried searching for the video online, but to no avail. You guys have no idea how pained I am that I can't share the sheer brilliance of that Ad with you. The concept is pretty straightforward. Kid gets hurt, Mom walks in with product, kid goes jumping around again. But the genius behind the idea of superheroining her up, complete with a line that goes "Mistdress Mom to the rescue", is one to truly behold.

What really captures my imagination, though, is what other sorta capers Misdress Mom must get herself into:

A happy marriage to break up? It's Mistdress Mom to the rescue!
Kids need evil stepmother after tragic death of Genetic Mother? Have no fear, Mistdress Mom is here!

I could go on, but there's other stuff to go over here.

Mad Ad#2 : Clean & Clear Oil-Control Face Wash

The product, once applied, comes with a promise of oil-free skin for 8 hours. Fair enough, because 8 hours covers your normal 9-5 workday. 'Normal', however, is one term I would not associate with the girl facing the problem in the ad. See, this chick has skin so oily, she can't get a clip-on nose ring to not slip off her nose! Do you realize how lubricated it must've been up there to be able to facilitate a feat like that!? Move over Iraq, the world's biggest oil reserves are within the pores of that chick's nose.

Why couldn't the admen have gone for the tried and tested white hanky on the forehead, brown hanky off the forehead routine? Did they for one second, stop to realise that maybe it's the clip that has the problem, and not her skin... Her skin which can support makeup and lip-gloss, but not a frikkin clip-on! Umm... Apparently not.

Mad Ad#3 : PCRA Infomercial About Turning Off Your Engines at Traffic Signals

Now I don't really have a problem with the Petroleum Conservation Research Association (PCRA) Ad itself. It's the kid they've used in the ad. Now I can't really describe why I wanna strangle that tyke everytime I see that ad. But have you known that guy in your class who acts like a smartass, but inside, is just a smug dumbass asking to be slapped. You can probably recognize him from his quality of managing just about average marks, but still being a favourite with the teachers. The kid in this ad is that guy, only less smartassy and more dumbassy.

The ad takes place in a car at a traffic signal with the kid sitting beside his father. The kid starts surveying the landscape and we see the engines of all the cars and trucks around him still running, despite it being a red light. In a sudden burst of 'Eureka' type inspiration, the kid proclaims, "Cycle Repair Shop"! The dad, confused, asks the dumbass what he's on about. He replies, with a smug smirk that screams "Slap Me!", that that's what he wants to do for a living... Because by the time he grows up, there'll be no petrol for cars to run on and everyone's gonna be using cycles. The dad has an epiphany and shuts off the engine.

Now, there're a couple of things that struck me here.

If he's so smart, why can't he just open a cycle dealership instead of a lowly repair garage?
If he's so smart, how come he hasn't heard of that Clean & Clear girl from the ad above, who's storing enough oil in her nose to last us the next gazillion centuries.

You see folks? The reason he's going to end up in a "Cycle Repair Shop" is because that's the only thing he'll have the intellect for. Of course, there is the slight possibility that he already knows that and is just using the oil conservation issue as a tool to get his dad to attest to and be proud of his shocking career plans... Which, instead of a dumbass, would make him the evilest and most manipulative child born this side of Damien Thorn from the Omen movies.

Mad Ad#4 : HDFC Standard Life Insurance

We've all seen the ad. Old couple at home.

Scene 1 - Old dude asks old chick whether she can still clean around the house so that they can save money on the servant.

Scene 2 - Asks her whether she can cook.

Scene 3 - Whether she can wash clothes or some such.

Old chick asks him to borrow money from their daughter. He throws a fit. Says the only thing he's ever asked for is her hand in marriage. Old chick whips out a nice serving of sarcasm, asks him whether he did that to show her days like these in their old age. Old dude whips out 2 tickets in retaliation and says, "Nahi, Tumhe Singapore Dikhane Ke Liye"

Now, I first discussed the merits of this ad with someone a while back. I have since realized that I may have missed the point the first time around. But I shall still go ahead and pretend that didnt happen because it's more fun this way. =)

See, from my layperson understanding of things, and the way that last conversation progresses, I can safely assume that the only way the old dude could afford those tickets was by cutting down on the luxuries of their current lifestyle, namely the house-help. So, in effect, what he was asking of his "old maid" can be represented with this slightly altered diagram that some of you may recognize from here.

Jeeyo Peeth Jhukake

Yeah. As much fun as a trip to Singapore with an old dude sounds, I think the old chick got gypped here.

Mad Ad#5 : Unwanted 72 - The Emergency Contraceptive Pill

Save the best for last, right? Well, this ad for a morning-after pill, starring the real-life couple Tanaaz and Bakhtiyar, deserves that tag as much as any. Again, I couldn't find the video anywhere, so you shall have to do with my vivid descriptions.

The ad begins with a distraught Tanaaz lying in bed early one morning. We see Bakhtiyar among the furniture and sundries in the background frame. It is implied that they have done the dirty the night before. Clueless as any man is around a woman with a problem, the guy asks what's wrong. In an astonishing twist, we find out it's not the fact that she slept with that loser. It's the fact that she slept with that loser without any protection. Understandable, as you can't blame her for wanting to get that unpleasantness over with in a hurry?

So they're sitting there screwed, basically, when a godsent ad announces over their television the awesomeness that is "Unwanted 72". She takes the pill and, well..........

Now, I'm pro-choice and all for female empowerment and all that jazz. I respect a couple's right to have a baby when they want to and not before. But there's being relieved, and then there's just plain being distasteful. Because after the chick takes her pill, the ad fades into a frame of the guy and the girl doing a little ball dance move. A DANCE MOVE! It's like, "Dudes, if you haven't realized, they just killed a potential human being!" Portraying them doing a jig may not be the most appropriate thing in the world. If it was someone like Mistdress Mom, I would still understand. But a real world couple... dancing... after murder... Sigh, you talk about innocence lost.

I would like to reiterate the fact that the PCRA Informercial is something we should all take seriously. I would like to reiterate more that I find that kid irritating as hell.

Ek Sansanikhez Note: Part-I

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 11:47:00 +0000

I thought I’d try and keep things fresh here by not overdoing the stale movies bit. Plus, I couldn’t find any funny screenshots of the movies I wanted to cover in Part-III of the Ghaati Bollywood list, so there. But rest assured, I am working on it.

Of course, having said that, the Indian Media and Entertainment Business has never been short of other things worth making fun of. So, in the meantime, this list, for your consideration.

I was thinking the other night that I have a lot (And I mean, A LOT!) of friends, who are, directly and indirectly, associated with the news media. Some report for newspapers, others work for TV News stations. But thankfully, none of them work for the lovely people over at the channels about to be mentioned herein.

Yes. This series will cover some of the most outrageously hilarious and tragically ridiculous news stories being covered these days. Kya aap is sansanikhez khulaase ke liye tayyaar hain?

Sansanikez Item #1: Amitabh Ke Purvjanam Ka Rahasya
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7OJ2XlBoPE&feature=related)

Here’s a scenario for you to chew on. Mr. Bachchan is admitted to the Leelavati Hospital with what may well be a life-threatening illness. There’re no interviews from family or friends on offer and no news forthcoming from elsewhere either. But you still have to put up some sorta news item on the guy, right? As a self-proclaimed serious news channel, what do you do? Do you show a montage of clips from his movies? Do you do a story on his previous major injuries? Wrong! You, of course, air a half hour special about his previous birth in the 19th Century!

In a shocking (SHOCKING!) 30 minute display of investigative journalism, we find out that Amitabh Bachchan was actually a 19th Century American theatre actor by the name of Edwin Booth. Now, get this. Edwin Booth’s first wife was apparently Rekha in a previous birth; his second wife was Jaya Bachchan in a previous birth; and his mum… That’s right! The future Big Momma B!

Edwin Booth, himself, was a neat guy, evidently. He did a bunch of Shakespearean plays, was moderately famous, got married a couple of times. Not someone you’d mind being reincarnated from, really. But while going through his Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edwin_Booth) during research, I found out that there’s one tiny little detail about him which India TV conveniently decided to skip out on, either for a lack of time or for lack of importance. I leave it up to you to decide.

See, Edwin Booth had a brother. A brother by the name of John Wilkes. John assassinated one Mr. Abraham Lincoln. John was a bad boy.

The most painful part about this report is the guy who keeps going “Shaayad Aapko Yakeen Nahi Hoga” every so often in the background. Amitabh Bachchan - Reincarnation of the brother of the guy who killed the most famous President in the history of mankind. Yeah, “Shaayad”.

Sansanikez Item #2 : Besharmon Ki Fauj
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaONId_EP9o&feature=related)

“The Army of the Shameless” news story is one of my personal favourites because the irony of using that headline on others is so completely lost on the amazing team working over at India TV, they actually thought they could get away with it.

This story aired after Team India’s loss at the Asia Cup. The channel took it upon itself to personally rip apart every batsman with headlines so cringeworthy, they’ve now become the best batting lineup in the entire world in 7 months, for fear of putting the layman through something that mind-numbing again.

Sansanikhez Quotes:
“In chehro ke paas khoon toh hai, magar crease par jam kar khade rehne ke liye haddiyan nahi hai!”

“Yuvraj, tumhare hazaaron ad filmon main toh retake hote honge, magar Mendis ke saamne koi retake nahi hota!”

“Virat Kohli, captaan Dhoni se dosti karne ka yeh matlab nahi hai ki tum match main anhoni kar sakte ho!”

The funniest thing about this show is the flash banner for the show about to air after this one. "Shani Par Sankat". A story that covers the apparent end of the world in 2012.

Sansanikez Item # 3: Kabutaron Par Grenade Ka Kahar
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3iYpt8-PGE)

26/11 was the epitome of the media being at its frenziest. From the terrorists’ chicken and dry fruits diet to the blueprints of buildings 5 miles from The Oberoi, these people had to air it all. But the one ridiculous story that stands head, shoulders and feathers above the rest is this one about the pigeons in front of the Gateway of India. If you don’t have the time to YouTube it, here’s a gist. The cameraman zooms in on individual pigeons, while the reporter, very seriously, might I add, sums up its thoughts and feelings about the whole situation. So we get gems such as:

“Yeh Kabootar pure din bhuke pyaase badbada rahe the ki hamare Taj ko kya hua”

“Is Kabootar ko samajh nahi aa raha hai ki aakhir uska dosh kya tha”

“In kabootaron ki maut se aisa lagta hai ki bharat ki shaan kahin ghoom ho gayi hai”

Hmm... 170 something people are killed by terrorists in two of the country’s biggest hotels, no biggie. “Ek kabootar mar gaya!? Haw, hamari shaan ka kya hoga?” Right on, reporter dude.

Sansanikez Item #4: Helicopter Se Dulhaniya Lene Pahuncha Dulha
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0Eh_ZqzBmE)

Come wedding season, over-extravagance is a concept lost on most families here. So the folks over at Live India decide to cover a story on grooms ditching horses for helicopters. Seems legitimate enough. Ah, but who wants legitimate when you can do outrageously bizarre! Enter the awful production values that only few can manage, and even lesser can believe, even if they see it.

This report comprises what is, evidently, the newscaster sitting in a disgracefully photoshopped rendition of a (mindfuck) helicopter with an even more mindfuckingly photoshopped female model / co-pilot, and then flying over a photoshopped city. Now, I’m not even going to try and explain what they were trying to accomplish here so I’ll just put up some screenshots. Maybe you guys can figure it out.

Sansanikez Item # 5: Maut Se Panga

Guy falls on railway tracks. Train runs over guy. Train passes over completely. Guy walks out alive.

This story’s actually pretty amazing and given the right spin, could’ve really been cool, in an AXN World’s Most Amazing Videos kinda way. But what spin did these guys choose, you ask? The thought bubbles with weird captions spin, of course!

So while we watch the guy lying face down on the tracks, these surreal thought texts keep popping up, including:

“Arey, yeh train khatam hi nahi hoti!”

aur

"Kitni lambi hai yeh train?”

Oh, and all these thought bubble captions are narrated out loud by the reporter in a tone that can only be described as one of admiration and impressiveness. In effect, if I were to translate the narrative and the subtext in English, it would go something like this:

“Whoa baby! This train just keeps going on and on and on....!”

and

“Dude, This Train Is Loooong!”

Both, not really the first things you’d expect a guy lying under a moving train to be thinking.

Alright, that’s it for this edition then. In true sansanikhez fashion, "Yeh thi khabrein aaj tak. Intezaar kijiye kal tak."

Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies - Part 2: The Ghaat Returns!

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 11:40:00 +0000

After the critically acclaimed reception of the first list, I come back to you with the next batch of, what can only be referred to as, Sheer Cinematic Genius. Yes people! The Ghaat is Back... With a Vengeance! So without further adieu, I present to you "Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies - Part 2"! (Unintentional, not unlike the lame rhyme scheme that last sentence was typed out in)

DESHDROHI
Intended Genre : A comment on communalism.
Actual Genre : Movies you can't make fun of even if you tried!

... of a World Slightly Dumber!

I mean, seriously! What can you say about a movie where Gracy Singh rides a Dirt-Bike on the streets of Mumbai dishing out Vigilante Justice... A movie where when a guy is getting shot, the producer decides that, instead of spending some money on slow-mo effects, he'll just ask the actor (in this case, the producer himself) to fall slowly... A movie where our hero goes to the villain's house and hides behind a curtain (Think Ross and Unagi).

I could go on, but the exquisite Ghaat on display in this movie has to be seen to be truly appreciated. So why don't we just quietly reflect and move on.

DOODH KA KARZ
Intended Genre: Long-Lost Brotherly Love / Revenge Epic
Actual Genre : A Look at the Unfair Trade Practices Followed by Money-Lenders, Zamindaars and Scorned Widows in Rural India.

What Unfair Trade Practices, you ask? Well, the plot goes something like this. A snake charmer goes to a temple to seek shelter for his about-to-give-birth wife and adopted son. The temple priest lets them in but gets killed by some robbers soon after. The snake charmer gets apprehended by villagers, mistaken as the killer. All this while the wife is giving birth to a thunderous background score. Cut to the Mother breastfeeding the newborn baby, with the adopted son watching in rapt attention. Mother feels guilty, mother feeds him too. After the hearty meal, Mother tells him that she can't afford to fend for all three and asks him to run along his merry way. And now, the fun begins!

Before the jilted pseudo-son leaves, the mother reminds him that he owes her... A Debt of Milk, if you will. She puts him on a payment plan that seemingly entails taking revenge for his stepdad by killing all the evil priestkillers. To understand the disparity here, I took the liberty of coming up with a visual representation of that transaction.

Jaago Grahak, Jaago!

Anyways, the rest of the story is pretty standard fair. The adoptee becomes the guardian of the temple where his father was murdered and, along with his fellow temple guardians, eventually manages to kill all those who wronged him.

Here's the touching milkfeeding scene. Oh, by the way, in case I forgot to mention... The adopted son is a King Cobra who can spit venom.

KHOON BHARI MAANG
Intended Genre : Bold, Feminist, Back from the Dead, Revenge Epic
Actual Genre : Cosmetic Surgeries Gone Bad!

It took a lot of contemplation for me to add this movie to the list because a lot of people really seem to think that this one's a classic. So I won't go for the plot with this rant, even though it is one for the ages. Instead, let me put the spotlight on the costume and make-up crew here. So with absolutely no undercurrents of sarcasm - This, here, is the story, for your consideration:
Ugly chick has money. Evil dude hooks up with ugly chick for money. Evil dude tries to get ugly chick outta the picture, by *Biting Lips* feeding her to a bunch of crocs. Chick somehow survives, washes up ashore near a man who turns out to be, for all effective purposes, a professional style guru. Under his watchful eye, ugly chick undergoes plastic surgery, becomes a diva and gets her revenge.

Now, I couldn't find any actual screenshots from the movie. But I think I have a pretty good reconstruction of that makeover lined up for you.

Moral of the Story: Don't rely on Shatrughan Sinha for fashion advice. Oh, and if you're trying to kill someone, just use a fucking gun!

CHANDNI CHOWK TO CHINA
Intended Genre : Action Comedy
Actual Genre : Movies that make you go, "Dude! Come On!"

The film begins with images of an oppressed and scared shitless bunch of Chinese village people being forced into hard labour. Scared shitless of what, you ask? It’s Hojo – The bad guy. Now this Hojo is a funny old chap. He’s what the parallel universe version of Rajinikanth would probably be like. As opposed to the badly appareled Indian hero to the impoverished that is Rajini, Hojo is the impeccably dressed Chinese dictator dude. Although, not unlike Rajini, Hojo does have the odd piece of weaponry (his top-hat) that has the ability to slash foes standing at a distance and boomerang back.

For reasons mind-numbingly senseless, Deepika is cast in a *Shudder* double-role. Maybe the makers thought that they could get two of her to deliver one watchable performance. The movie deals with Akki avenging himself and the villagers, after being trained by the two twin Deepikas' “Ded”, as she refers to him throughout the length of the second half. Logic isn’t something you should be looking for in his story-arc because Ded is a Hindi speaking Chinese beggar and ex-cop also carrying a grudge against Hojo.

Any Mandarin spoken in the entire movie is restricted to ‘Ch’ with a vowel added in front of it. And I'll tell ya, being made to watch this movie is, truly, being made a 'Chu' out of...

Favourite Scene : Where Akshay Kumar beats on Hojo’s main henchman – A Six and a Half foot Albino. Don't give him too much credit though, because soon thereafter, he reaches into the guy's pocket and pulls out a Pink MotoRazr and tickets to the Opera.

Nikhil Advani's Idea of a Ga(y)ngster!

KARZZZZ
Intended Genre : Tale of Reincarnation & Revenge
Actual Genre : Movies that, if shown to African-American, Hip-Hop Lovin Gangstas, would make them go, "Dayyam Nigga!"

The presence of this movie on this list shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, really. I mean, the jokes about the Ghaatiness (Ghaatity?) of this film have been so overdone, I really don't see how I can add anything of value. But hell, I sure can give it a shot! I mean, if there was one flick that warranted a list of its own, it was This! But why should you guys have to wait till I come up with that one? Presenting Karzzzz - Ghaat the Hell Ishtyle!

This guy plays a Rockstar, Demi-God called Monty! To let the true mind-numbing depths of that statement sink in, I'll say it again. Himmess Bhai... A Rockstar Demi-God... Named Monty!

Rockstar Monty's best friend is a doctor whose nurse, in addition to the usual scalpels and scissors, carries a Fender Electric Guitar handy. You know, because you never know when you might need an Electric Guitar in the Emergency Room.
"Doctor:
Nurse, Scalpels.
Nurse, Scissors.
Nurse, Kick Ass Guitar Solo from 'Layla'"

Rockstar Monty has a 50 something year old lover from a past life who likes to wear ^ that ^!

And a 60 something year old stepdad who can do ^ that ^!

AARGH! Alright, owing to lack of word space this list shall have "To Be Continued"..... Next week, the rest of the brilliance, that is Karzzz! And Part 3 of what is effectively going to be a never-ending series if kept up with! =D

PS - Apologies for the ridiculous photoshopping... Except the 'Deshdrohi - The Beginning' pic... That was all them... =D

Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies - Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Sahil) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 11:25:00 +0000

I was driving back home from work the other day, and I saw a poster plastered across a wall covering half a 'Stick No Bills' sign. The poster seemed to be for a movie of the Erotic Comedy Noir genre called 'Tu Hamaar Babua'. I say 'Noir' simply because the poster was in Black & White. Now I don't really mind Ghaati Bhojpuri flicks because... Well, there're no pretensions there. They're meant to be ghaati. This post isn't about them.

This deals with ghaatiness of another kind. These movies look like harmless genre flicks from the outside, but beware! Hidden inside in 70mm are cinematic gems that, depending upon your perspective, either need to be preserved in titanium reinforced containers for generations to come (Mine) or destroyed and buried at sea, not unlike the Autobots at the end of the Transformers movie (Everyone else's). These are my first picks for 'Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies' through the ages:

JAANI DUSHMAN
Intended Genre: Fantasy Revenge Saga
Actual Genre: Story that makes you go "Wha!?"... With bad special effects.

The plot summary they've given on Wikipedia is a read through not to be missed! Don't miss the part about the force-field wielding college dean/priest, Raj Babbar. Just keep in mind that the actual movie is like a gazillion times more bizarre than that write up.

Personal Favourite Scene: Where, for some inexplixable reason, the killer Anaconda Naag starts making out with Sunil Shetty.

Rated X-essively Bizzare

MISSION ISTANBUL
Intended Genre: Action, with Socio-Political Commentary
Actual Genre: Gay Porno... Sponsored by Mountain Dew

Every time I watch a movie like this, I'm forced to wonder whether the actors sometimes stop during the making and think to themselves, "Man, this is gonna suck!" Then they go ahead and make another one, and I realize, "Umm... NO!"
Mission Istanbul is basically a Homo-Erotic Mountain Dew Commercial. Now, I don't remember the exact dialogues, but I think the below reconstruction of one of the scenes is pretty accurate and should give you a fair gist.

Block 1:
Zayed Khan: Whoa dude! Nice pecks!

Block 2:
The Other Guy: Sorry pal! Not interested. I'm a one man man. Nice pickup line, though.

Block 3:
Bald Guy: Yeh kya chal raha hai yahaan?
Other Guy: No baby, aisa kuch nahi hai.

Block 4:
Bald Guy: Mujhe kuch nahi sunna. (To Zayed) Dafaa ho jaa yahaan se Daayan.

Block 5:
Other Guy: Dude, I don't know what you're doing in this scene but I'm gonna make out with you anyways...

Block 6:
Other Guy to Bald Guy: It's not you, it's me.
Bald Guy: Don't leave me. I'm scared! Tumhare bina main adhura hoon!
Other Guy: Darr Ke Aage Jeet Hai!

Like I said... Pretty Accurate.

ADVENTURES OF TARZAN
Intended Genre: Adventure
Actual Genre: Movies made with less than 2 square centimeters of cloth for costumes.

Admittedly, I haven't seen the entire movie. So for all I know, this is an actual cinematic masterpiece. But going by the parts I did see, that seems highly unlikely. A fact reiterated by the soundtrack from the master who gave us classics such as, "You are my chicken fry" and "I am sorry sorry madam, I am late late.. Traffic Jam". Who else but Bappi Lahiri?

Favourite Lyrics (From the gem 'Tarzan, Oh my Tarzan!'): "God made man, but tailor makes gentleman!"

PS - If you think I'm kidding, check out the entire song here.

Adventures of Tarzan: The story of how a woman can wear waterproof lipstick in the jungle, but not a bra!

YUVVRAAJ
Intended Genre: Family Drama
Actual Genre: Subhash Ghai: The Hardcore Anti-Not-Retarded-Audience Man!

Again, a movie I've only watched the first 17 minutes of (Thanks for the recommendation, Kanksha). But man, oh man! In those 17 minutes, this movie surpasses all that came before it. Sample this:
Salman gives Katrina flowers to apologise. Katrina falls in love and wants to get him a gift of her own. What is the ideal return gift for flowers, you ask? Why, a superbike, of course. And how do you deliver that superbike to him? Well, you defy all sane logic and somehow manage to sneak it into his bedroom... which is on the first floor... and all this, completed in the time he takes to have a bath.

I have to admit. I thought it was a dream sequence at first. Turns out, I was just giving them too much credit.

The gift from logistical hell!

PREM AGGAN
Intended Genre: Romance
Actual Genre: Movies that can actually make us forgive actors who take to drug addiction!

I mean, seriously! 'Doped' is the only way someone would star in a movie like this, let alone debut.The trippy dialogues aside, and there some trippy ones here... Such as the 60 year old man complementing the 20 year old girl on her "Kamaal ka husn". Or the chick who starts lecturing her wannabe rapist on how she is the "Bharatiya naari ki sabhyata ka prateek"... while he's still chasing her! Anyways, that aside, the movie is just plain disturbing.

Disturbian Dialogue Hall of Fame : Father hugs daughter who he's had a fight with, lets out what can only be called a soft moan (And I mean that in the exact sense you're thinking it), and tells her, "Tum nahi jaanti mere andar abhi kya ho raha hai! *Soft Moan*"

Story of Burning ________ (Insert Synonym for 'Brain')

RAJA KI AAYEGI BARAAT
Intended Genre: Female Empowerment Social Drama
Actual Genre: Movies that make you lose faith in the justice system

Plot Summary: Rani screams at guy. Guy rapes Rani. Rani screams at judge. Guy tries to get Rani killed. Rani Escapes. Rani screams at judge some more. Judge feels guilty and delivers his verdict.

What's the verdict, you ask? 7 years rigorous imprisonment? Sazaa-e-Maut? Oh no, this is Bollywood! Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost. The judge, evidently with her best interests in mind, orders the guy to marry Rani (!!??) And Rani, for reasons beyond comprehension, seems to think that marrying the ugly fuck who raped her is a good idea. The rest of the movie is pretty much a series of hilarious capers where the vampy bhabhi tries to off Rani, but ends up getting blown to bits in the kitchen herself. Good stuff! Surprisingly, and I quote the its Wiki, "The movie failed miserably at the box office." Go figure.

Rupees 34 only... The actual DVD and the surreal photoshopped graphics.

Next time: Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies - Part 2 (Suggestions will be appreciated)