I had visions of breastfeeding my warm, happy baby (who was of course swaddled in cute, sweet-smelling blankets). I’d lay her lovingly in her crib for her 7-hour uninterrupted sleep. My husband and I would snuggle as he adoringly thanked me for bearing this perfect child.

If someone told me the day after my first daughter was born I’d end up as a parenting coach, once I came out of my morphine-induced haze I probably would’ve alternated between loud wailing and hysterical laughter.

I managed to avoid my calling for quite some time, despite my mind and body screaming loudly that something had to change in my insane life.

Through severe post-partum depression, a nightmare of a time parenting my toddlers, 3 moves, and lots of struggle, I went from an air-traffic systems engineer, to a weight-loss coach, to coaching my fellow engineers.

And during it all, I felt like a really bad mom.

All the purpose-finding activities out there ask you “What would you happily do for hours on end if you could choose any activity?”

I was spending hours researching, learning, attending workshops and trying to heal myself so I could be the best parent I could be. I was also downsizing, organizing, and making my home an oasis. I found myself in conversations with other parents, asking them questions to get them thinking about things differently. I loved giving them support and compassion, and passing on knowledge and insights I’d gained through my own experiences.

It occurred to me that I could coach others around this, but I immediately thought “How can I coach other parents while I am having so many struggles of my own?”

Then it hit me – if I had no parenting troubles of my own, if I wasn’t struggling emotionally myself, how could I possibly help others in that situation?

If everything was shiny and rosy for me, how could I empathize and provide useful, relatable information and support?

I’m on this crazy parenting train with everyone else. And I’m so grateful I can give help and support to my fellow passengers while continuing to learn and grow myself.

Would you like to learn more about how I healed my parenting?
Check out this free resource!

Up next was Lianne Raymond’s talk “Love with Wild Abandon”. I silently groaned. I think I might’ve even thrown an eye roll. As a jet-lagged introvert in a room full of extroverts, I wasn’t feeling too loving at the moment. And I didn’t have any clue what loving with wild abandon could possibly mean.

When Lianne took the stage, I instantly felt a huge shift in my body. She was so….soothing. This woman emanated love and I wanted to run up and hug her. This was super alarming since I’m not a huggy, chirpy type of person (at least until I reaaaaally get to know someone).

She took us back to when she was a little girl and felt loved by her father always, no matter what. She never felt there were any conditions on his love. She knew she could be “good” or “bad” and there was no doubt he’d still love her.

In fact, exactly what she said was
“I never worried that who I was or what I did would remove me from his love.”

I started sobbing, because I knew my girls couldn’t possibly feel that way. I did withhold my love. Not in an outward, “I don’t love you” kind of way. But in a passive-aggressive, I’ll turn my back on you kind of way. Sometimes, if my daughters didn’t act how I wanted them to act or be how I wanted them to be, I would unconsciously withhold my love.

I was giving them the message that they had to be a certain way in order to earn my love.

As Lianne said, I was using love as a tool to manipulate them. If you please me, I give you my love. If you don’t, I remove it.

I decided right then that I never wanted my daughters to feel that way again. Like, EVER.

Does that mean that I let them run around and trash the house like crazy people? Throw noodles at people in restaurants? Eat fruit loops and pickles for dinner? Do whatever the hell they want?

Of course not.

But it does mean that when they forget to take their shoes off for the 428th time and get mud all over the floor, I don’t make them feel like they just threw a puppy against a wall. It means that while I tell them their behavior is unacceptable, I never tell them they themselves are bad. It means that I try to let them have their emotional reactions, even the highly annoying ones, without lecturing them, talking them out of it, or attempting to “fix” it.

And most importantly, I reassure them. A lot.  

I tell them there is nothing they could ever say or do that could make me stop loving them. 

They never tire of hearing it (and they love to thrown down challenges like “even if I put dog poop under your pillow?” or “even if I rubbed your toothbrush on my butt?”)

How do you want your child to feel?

Do you want her to expend energy worrying about whether or not she’s earning your love, wondering if what she’s doing is acceptable?  Or do you want her to feel loved, safe, and secure so she can go out into the world to learn, play, and explore, knowing she can count on you to be there when she gets scared or has friend drama or make mistakes?

I want my daughters to feel like Lianne. So, as always, I’m never going to stop trying.

Like, EVER. (sorry, I cannot get that damn Taylor Swift song out of my head!)

This experience with Lianne is when I realized Unconditional Love was the 3rd and most fundamental element in iLu Parenting, a simple but comprehensive set of tools and resources I developed to give you exactly what you need to parent with calm confidence. No more frustration, uncertainty or guilt!

In the comments below, let me know…

• Do you find yourself withholding your love?
• What changes can you make to ensure that your kids always know you love them unconditionally?

Would you like to learn more about how I healed my parenting?
Check out this free resource!

This creative grief experience from The Creative Grief Coaching Studio can help you get clearer about what wholehearted living after loss means for you – who you want to be, how you want to feel, and what you want to create after loss.

I experienced “Wholehearted Rocks” during my training with The Creative Grief Coaching Studio and wrote about it to serve as an example of the power of creativity in learning to live wholeheartedly again after loss. Reading the instructions first will help you understand my description.

My Experience with Wholehearted Rocks

I did this creative exercise in September 2012 during my training with The Creative Grief Coaching Studio.
 
Here is a write-up of my experience.
 

I chose a pink glass container because I loved its color, shape, and how it looked as the light filtered through it.

I filled the container as far as I could without overflowing.

The swollen nature of the water at the top was beautiful.

It was a perfect visual representation of the strain I felt on my emotions as if they were about to spill over.
 
  

I felt rage at the time that I did this exercise; I was really struggling. I wrote about my rage in a stream of consciousness manner, disregarding spelling, grammar, and sentence structure. I didn’t even care if it made sense.

I printed it out, tore it into pieces and put it in the water. I liked the idea that if I didn’t fight it but instead allowed it, my grief (the water) would cause the paper (my rage) to disintegrate slowly and become soft.

I chose several special objects that represented what I wanted more of in my life:

– Love: (large heart shaped rock, not perfectly heart shaped because love is not a fairy tale; it sometimes has sharp edges) I want to allow more love in my life even though loving opens me up to being hurt.

– Family: (a handful of “gems”, one for each family member). I want to bond closer with my family. I tend to shut them out and withdraw into myself, hiding my grief.

– Trust: (a heavy, smooth, black rock) I want to trust that I do not need to force anything, that my strong emotions will not take me over, that all will unfold as it should without me trying to control it.

– Authenticity: (my “J” shaped rock) I always want to show up as myself. I want to stop hiding who I really am. I want to come out of shame.

– Confidence, Courage, and Vulnerability: I chose 3 pottery flowers I had made after breaking up with my boyfriend of 10 years. At that time, I was exploring my creativity for the first time in a long while because it had gone dormant. I had to find my confidence and have the courage to experiment. As I was learning more about myself, I had to be vulnerable enough to show my new self to those who were used to me as a certain person and wanted me to remain that person. Now, at the time of this exercise, I find myself once again needing the confidence, courage, and vulnerability to put myself out there and extend my own authentic offering without fear or care about what happens.

– Self-compassion: (beautiful flowers) I want to love myself and treat myself kindly, despite how incredibly hard that can be sometimes.

– Patience: (a perfectly round, smooth rock) I want the patience to take the time I need to heal my emotional wounds, to allow things to unfold at the rate they will. I want the patience to know that even when it seems nothing is happening, that’s ok because sometimes nothing is what needs to happen. Everything is movement if we allow it. It’s when we force it forward or fight against it that we disrupt the natural unfolding.

– Intuition (translucent marble): I want to trust myself and my decisions and avoid overthinking things. I want to spend more time in my body and in a wordlessness state, relying on my innate knowing and trusting it.

– Joy: (a rock with “Love” written on it given to me by my daughter Maia) I want to experience joy and model joy for my daughters, but joy makes me uncomfortable. I mourn over times that I had an opportunity to share joy with my daughters and it turned into something sad. I want the courage to allow more joy in my life.

– Release (feather): I want to give myself what I know I need for release, which includes running, writing, creative expression, a beautiful home environment, nature, stretching, warmth, connection, intimacy, and time alone.

– Generosity: I chose a glass seahorse that I bought for my daughter. I am often somewhat stingy when it comes to buying things for my daughters because I have this thought that I don’t want them to expect things or take things for granted or not be appreciative of what they have. This parallels with an attitude that I used to have about parenting. I viewed (unconsciously) my role as their parent to tell them how to be “good”, how to do the “right” thing. I was focused on the negatives instead of the positives.

Now I want to do it differently:
o Instead of telling them not to be selfish, model generosity
o Instead of telling them not to be irresponsible, model taking care
o Instead of telling them not to fight with each other, model patience & cooperation
o Instead of telling them not to be unappreciative, model gratitude
o Instead of telling them not to freak out, allow them their emotions and allow myself mine while giving them reassurance that they are not the cause

– Gratitude: I learned that we cannot feel fear and gratitude simultaneously, so I turn often to gratitude to quiet my anxiety.

– Acceptance & Mindfulness: I am a perfectionist and can be obsessive and too focused on the details, steps and order of things instead of the actual meaning. I tend to miss the forest for the trees. I actively work on being present in the experience and knowing that not only is it ok that it is not happening exactly as I envisioned, but that it will happen exactly as it should and if I stay aware and present, I will always receive exactly what I am intended to receive and it will always be beautiful.

At the time I experienced this exercise, I was able to clarify what I wanted and needed more of in order to move towards wholehearted living. I have since added many of these qualities to my life, causing my grief to become less the focus and more of a connecting part of my story.

You can use this exercise anytime you wish to take a look at your life and discover what you can add for more wholehearted living. You don’t necessarily need to be grieving a specific loss.

This is just one of many creative grief exercises I learned in my training and certification with The Creative Grief Studio. I’d love to share others with you. Sign up for a free, 30-minute consultation if you’re interested.

While participating in Marie Forleo’s “B-school”, an 8-week program that teaches women (and a few men) how to structure, create, and grow their online business, over and over again I saw parallels between running a business and being a parent.

This was surprising at first, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense.

Isolation

B-school is an online program with ample support. But after it was over, I felt like I was kid standing alone, lost at Disney World, wondering where everyone went and what to do next.

Does that sound a bit like after you gave birth to your first baby? Perhaps you made sure you were as educated as possible. Maybe you went through childbirth classes and breastfeeding classes, read a ton of books, and watched hours of videos.

But as we moms know, nothing can prepare you for the actual real thing.

After all the well-wishers leave, it can be lonely standing there with your newborn, exhausted, sore, and possibly shell-shocked. This is the point when for many women isolation sets in, which is a large factor in post-partum depression.

It wasn’t meant to be this way. You’re meant to have a group of women supporting you physically and emotionally. There’s a good reason for the expression “it takes a village”.

I had signed up for B-school through Jenny Shih’s affiliate link, because I had coached with her in the past and she was offering several awesome bonuses.

As promised, Jenny’s bonuses turned out to be invaluable, because they helped me create that village for myself while I was first entering the business world.

Community

Jenny had several beneficial bonuses, but two that I loved the most were the exclusive private Facebook community and the group coaching calls.

Jenny’s Facebook community was particularly useful because while the B-school Facebook group is active and diverse, it’s huge. It was so helpful to have a smaller group of women I knew I would align with in terms of following Jenny’s building blocks for creating a business. I could escape the “noise” of the larger B-school group and find refuge in Jenny’s.

There’s plenty of noise in parenting as well. Everyone and their dog will voice an opinion about how you should be doing it. It’s critical to have a smaller group of women you can relate to and share your parenting challenges with. It’s critical to find your community.

This is why I hold a monthly event called SPA77.  It’s a Simple, Peaceful, Authentic night out for moms where they can truly be themselves, enjoy meaningful conversation, support each other, develop real friendships, and have fun – everything you want in a community.

Connection

Jenny’s group coaching calls were helpful not only to get answers to my questions, but to hear others’ questions and answers as well, because they almost always applied to me.

This reinforced the fact that, despite how frequently I felt it, I wasn’t alone. We aren’t the only ones having these business challenges and we aren’t the only ones facing these parenting challenges.

It’s so important to feel that connection with the larger collective of motherhood and not to allow yourself to feel like it’s only you who is struggling and become isolated as a result.

Having a place to go to get your questions answered on a regular basis helps you stay connected. I hold monthly calls that act as an open forum for moms to share their issues and get support.

**************

Thanks to Jenny I’m still enjoying the benefits of B-school. Jenny runs a private Facebook group and, even though we’ve completed all group coaching calls, occasionally she throws one in for good measure just because she’s cool like that.

My experience with B-school and Jenny’s bonuses taught me more than just business concepts. It reminded me how important it is to my parenting to form a community and maintain connection with other moms I can relate to.

If you’re thinking of signing up for B-school through Jenny’s affiliate program, I highly recommend it!

” I’m going to organize every room and closet! I’ll throw tons of stuff out so things aren’t so cluttered! And I swear I’ll keep things clean by doing a few minutes of picking up every day! “

All good intentions.

But my grand plans kept fizzling out, sometimes even backfiring and making things worse!

Trying to create and maintain a simple household became this annoying, overwhelming goal that I felt I would never achieve.

It was so frustrating!

What I finally realized is that I kept losing sight of WHY I wanted a simple household in the first place.

And that is the core of secret #1.

Secret #1: If you aren’t crystal clear about WHY you want a simple household, you’ll find it difficult to stay motivated.

In this secret, WHY is capitalized on purpose. That’s because I’m referring to your deep-rooted motivation for doing whatever you do.

Humans don’t do anything without a compelling WHY.

Sometimes it’s fear, and sometimes it’s love. The WHY behind everything we do can pretty much be boiled down to those two motivations.

Sometimes it’s confusing to figure out our WHY. Society, expectations of others, career pressures, family, money – all of these factors can motivate us to do certain things and mask our real WHY.

I’m sure you have lots of reasons why you want a simple household.

They might be pretty similar to some of mine -you’re tired of clutter; you want a calm, clean home; you want to stop feeling embarrassed about the state of your house.

These are all super reasons.

But they’re likely not enough to keep you going when it gets irritating and hard.

To maintain your motivation, you need to get down to the *real* reasons WHY you want a simple household, and then you need to set up reminders of WHY you really want it, so when you get tired and frustrated you’ll keep going.

One of my specific WHYs for wanting a simple household is:

I want my house clean and organized so that I can enjoy watching my daughters learn through creative role-play without me squashing their imagination by stopping them.

You can read more about that WHY in ‘3 Secrets to a Simple Household’.

So let’s do it, let’s find your WHYs!

The way to discover them is to play the WHY Toddler Game, and that is your homework for this week.

Take Action!

1. Get comfortable and eliminate all distractions (this means Facebook, too!) Do a Dirga Pranayama Grounding (If you forgot how, see your welcome email.)

2. Open up the ‘3 Secrets to a Simple Household’ and go through the WHY Toddler Game, starting on page 3.

3. Email me and let me know some of your real WHYs.

This week, try to ask yourself many times during the day WHY you are spending time on a particular activity. This is especially helpful if the activity is super annoying. Maybe you’ll find out that activity doesn’t actually match with any of your WHYs and you can stop doing it!

That sounds good doesn’t it? There are no epic parenting fails in the core of peace.

Well, this morning I was living life from a big fat core of chaos.

It was time for my daughters’ school camping trip. All the kids love it and get super giddy as the day approaches. They have so much sleepless fun that when they return the next day, the teachers look like zombies. They deserve sainthood. Or at the very least a full spa treatment.

The trip is an exciting but stressful time for my girls, and that’s why I wanted to send them off on a calm, positive note.

Instead, I plowed through the house getting increasingly irritated, emanating waves of stress so strong they were probably visible. I could feel my energy whipping around and building on itself. My body tightened and my breathing got quicker and shallower. My brain refused to perform simple tasks I’m usually great at, like checking items off a list as I organize and pack them efficiently.

L took one look at me and asked why I was so angry and about to cry.

When M couldn’t find the bug spray because she had hidden it in her room, I lashed out as if hiding bug spray represented a character flaw that would get her booted from a college admissions interview.

In fairness to myself, I admit I was extra nervous because of the weather. 1000’s of people’s lives were just majorly messed with in Oklahoma’s tornadoes, and we’d been getting strong storms locally for the past couple of days.

Even if you don’t live with anxiety, it’s tough not to be nervous about sending your kids into the woods with 80% chance of severe t-storms, possible hail, and 60mph winds.

But I know better.

I know that unless I’m being chased by a lion or some kind of commonly occurring danger like that, things will go infinitely smoother if I’m calm and centered, that is, you got it – living from a core of peace.

I wanted to be a grounding presence for my girls to start their day out right. So where did I go wrong? How could I have avoided this parenting fail? One answer lies in Intention, the first concept in i.l.u. parenting.

Here’s how you can use Intention to avoid parenting fails

Intention for your kids over time

It’s critical to spend time thinking about your intentions for your relationship with your kids over time. Looking at the big picture, what values do you want to pass along? What talents and strengths do they currently have that you want to make sure you continue to nurture? Where are some areas where they’re challenged and might need some extra help? How do you want to feel in your relationship with them?

It may seem strange to think about your parenting in this way, but think about a business without a mission, goals, or operating procedures. Nobody knows what they’re working toward, WHY they’re working toward it, or how to achieve success.

Parenting isn’t a business, but it needs the same elements in order to achieve success. And just as a business changes, so do you and your kids as life dishes out its normal ups and downs. To adapt, you need to think about your intentions on a regular basis.  

Had I thought about my own intentions, I would have remembered that staying calm and not freaking out is important to me, and something I was working on. I could usually avoid it by preparing for stressful situations ahead of time.

This means I would’ve spent a few minutes of time the night before thinking about what I wanted the morning to be like. I would’ve gathered & packed most of the items needed for the trip and planned breakfast to make sure the girls would hike on a full stomach. I also would’ve gotten up early so I didn’t feel rushed and stressed about getting there on time.

Intention in every interaction

Intention is also critical in the short-term, in every interaction you have with your kids.

It’s always helpful to keep the intention of being fully present in the moment instead of having your thoughts in the past or in some imaginary future.

When you interact with your kids, focus on what’s in front of you, in this very moment.

Put down your phone, iPad, computer, and all other distractions and give your child your full attention.

Even when your kids are whining, yelling, or melting down, work on staying calm by breathing slowly and deeply. Ask yourself “What is my intention for this interaction?” The second question should be “What is needed in this moment to achieve that intention?”

If you feel yourself getting fired up anyway, get out of there and take a break. This is a great way to show your kids how to handle getting upset. I try to use words like “Mama is getting really irritated, and I need some time by myself to calm down. I’ll come back in a little bit and we can deal with this.”

(Then I rush off into the bathroom and bite my hand to keep from screaming.)

Your child will get the message that if she’s upset or mad, it’s ok for her to take a break to chill out and regroup.

Had I focused on my intention of being present, I would’ve felt my body tighten and my energy start to rise. I would’ve tried to breathe deeply and slowly. I would’ve asked myself what I wanted out of this situation and realized that to achieve that, I needed to relax and slow down. When I realized the bug spray disappeared into the black hole of M’s bedroom, instead of exploding I would have taken a time-out for myself.

Keeping intention in mind and staying present would have produced a very different result this morning, and I did up feeling like crap for a while. I regretted how I acted.

But I got over that as quickly as I could and tried to figure out what I could do differently next time.

Intention is a powerful tool to avoid parenting fails!  Try it!

Now I want to hear from you!

How has Intention worked for you in your parenting? 
What could you do differently going forward?

Would you like to learn how to stay calm in heated moments?
Check out this free resource!

“Find him! Torture him! Kill him!”

So many good, loving people with twisted faces of anger, fists clenched, ready to kill. A virtual angry mob with burning torches, calling for justice that we can’t even define (was it really served?)

So many people roiling in hate.

Hate sucks.

Nothing good ever comes from hate. EVER.

What will serve the victims and their families (and that is our collective, primary goal) is not hate but compassion.

Since the older brother is dead, I’m talking specifically about extending compassion to the younger brother, Dzhokar Tsarnaev.

And I’d like to clear up some confusion right away.

You see, compassion is not condonation.

I don’t want to run through a field of flowers with this guy. Or give him a big bowl of ice cream, pat him on the head and say it’s ok, I understand.

In fact, I wanted to tear his face off. I wanted to HURT him. I wanted him to SUFFER. I HATED him.

But as that feeling rolled around inside me, I noticed how horrible it made my body feel. It made me feel tense, desperate, frustrated, crazy.

I noticed that when I felt that way, I was turning my back on the people who needed my healing energy and love because I was so busy channeling hate.

The victims and families won’t benefit from a swirling cloud of hate and revenge tornadoing outside their hospital window.

So I stop and breathe and try to allow the situation to be turned like a strange object in my hands.

Because I want to check this object out.  Study it.

I want to understand it so I can get clarity on what I personally can do to help heal this horrible wound.

And I can’t do that if I look at only one side.

To look at another side of it, I ask myself a question.

What good will come out of hating him?

It isn’t rhetorical. I really want to know the answer.

If you do hate Dzhokar Tsarnaev, when did you start hating him?

Was he born with horns and a pointed tail, as perhaps he would have been if he were really “evil”?

Did you start hating him when he was a baby? Was he evil as a cute 3 year old?

Just 11 years ago he was a gap-toothed 8 year old like the little boy he killed, Martin Richard. Did you start hating him then?

Dzhokar is 19 years old. That’s still a kid.

It’s a pretty safe bet that someone fucked him up pretty seriously starting from an early age. Someone fed him hate and lies. Someone probably told him stories of evil and horrific acts committed on his people, acts just like this bombing. Someone convinced him that he needed to avenge those acts.

Compassion is not letting this guy off the hook.

Compassion is not excusing or pardoning his horrific offenses.

Compassion is taking some time, even just a single minute, to stop and think about what might have brought this kid to the point where he thought it was ok and maybe even noble to maim and kill innocent people.

Compassion is turning away from hate and focusing energy and love where it’s so desperately needed – on yourself, your family, and your community.

 

Every single one of us can do something differently today, something that comes from a place of love and compassion instead of hate.

That’s the best justice there is.

I’ve been poisoning myself for the past few months.

Stomachaches. Fatigue. Irritability.

Not sleeping well. An even foggier brain than normal.

These aren’t uncommon symptoms for a busy mom, particularly one with emotional challenges.

It’s so easy to blame it on something – I shouldn’t have eaten that 3^rd bowl of ice cream. I’m irritable because I got no sleep. It’s just the time of year.

I’m always tired so what’s new?!

However, if I had checked in with myself, I would have noticed the vast canyon between what I thought I was doing to take care of myself, and what was actually happening.
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What’s most remarkable (and alarming) is that I wasn’t in denial about the poor care I was giving myself.

I wasn’t even aware of it.

I thought I was taking great care of myself and I was perplexed as to why I felt so tired and sick!

What about you? Do you take care of everyone but yourself?

Do you feel awful, but not have the time or energy to figure out what’s going on let alone do anything about it?

If you can relate, read on for 3 steps to staying healthy and happy.

3 Steps to Staying Healthy & Happy

Just as you need to constantly check-in and make adjustments if you want to maintain an organized, peaceful home, you also need regular check-ins for your health and happiness in the form of a Self-Care Plan.

We create a detailed Self-Care Plan in my coaching programs, but I want to share with you the 3 steps so you can get started with creating one yourself.

Step 1. Determine how you want to feel
What do you want your life to be like? Go deep and be specific. Do you need extra energy to coach your son’s soccer team on Friday evenings? Do you want to feel alert and in-the-moment during the hours you spend with your baby each morning before you drop her at daycare? Do you want to feel rested, relaxed and peaceful in the evenings before bedtime? How do you want to feel?

Step 2. Find out what you need on a regular basis to feel that way
What do you need so you can feel how you want to feel? What do you need to do to take care of yourself? How much sleep do you need? How many days a week do you need to exercise? How much social support do you need? What does your body require in terms of nutrition, vitamins, and medication? What types of activities do you need for restoration such as alone time, meditation, journaling or massage?

Step 3. Make time for regular check-ins and adjustments
I recommend checking in at least weekly, preferably daily. Get super quiet and relaxed, breathe deeply, and do a body scan. Where do you feel tension? What is your body trying to tell you? Make a list of the things that are currently nagging you. Which of them can you address right now? Can you delegate others? What responsibilities can you drop? Have you been ignoring parts of your self-care? What do you need to change in your routines to return to taking excellent care of yourself?

Yes, it is possible to get healthy and stay that way!

Once I revisited my Self-Care Plan, I quickly recognized some quick and concrete changes I could make to start feeling better, right away.

Take Action!

Start your own Self-Care Plan today by writing your thoughts for Step 1 in your journal. Don’t get overwhelmed. Just work on one step at a time.

It’s important to write, not just think. Thinking easily turns into worry and cycles of negative thought. Writing pushes you toward more structural yet more creative thought patterns, prompting new ideas and solutions you may not have thought of.

** Green smoothies are excellent for you. Eat them! They will not harm you unless you inject them like a junkie *every single day* for months on end, without switching up the greens. (Like I did)

I Want to Hear From You!

Tell me in the comments below:
1. Did you ever have a moment when you realized you were taking poor care of yourself and feeling crappy and something needed to change? What did you do to get back to excellent self-care?

2. Share an example from your Step 1. How do you want to feel?

The potential for a tranquil, restorative trip gets me every single time.

I envision floating in the pool with a gentle breeze on my face and a drink in my hand, looking svelte. I imagine lounging around, relaxing, and reading (I brought 8 Oprah mags I haven’t had a chance to read at home).

I’m on vacation right now, in paradise, and these images died a horrible death when my extra winter weight and I got thrown off my floatie by the waves of my daughter’s cannonball.

Instead of being a cool, Zen-like vacation mom, I’m like a twitchy squirrel, panicking every minute about where my daughters are, sure I’m going to find them face-down in the pool (it’s a good thing my fears are never morbid).

I’m super tired, and as evening approaches I start to get anxious.

My head fills with air, expands, and floats above my body. My throat starts to ache like there’s a rubber ball in there, and my jaw is sore from clenching and grinding my teeth all day. I can’t feel the rest of my body.

The anxiety is like a shrill alarm clock, one of those old ones whose sound is generated not digitally but by a little hammer hitting a metal surface incessantly. The bell is a warning, not about a specific danger I can prevent, but a general message that I need to be alert because something bad is going to happen.

Since I’m in paradise, surrounded by loving family, my logical brain knows that’s probably not true.

But if you’re familiar with anxiety, you know that doesn’t matter.

I’m always thinking creatively about ways to process and deal with my anxiety.

Read on for 5 tips that have helped me on my vacations and can help you too!

5 Tips to Alleviate Vacation Anxiety

1. Create a place for retreat.
Find a spot where you feel safe and can get away from everything. Bring something from home that comforts and calms you. I brought my lovie pillow because, yes, I am an adult woman with two children and I still have a lovie. It’s just a floppy old pillow that my husband likes to make fun of, but this pillow has pulled me through countless emotional breakdowns. It’s taken many beatings and always withstands my rage. Having my pillow here is comforting and soothing and sooo worth making room in the suitcase. On your next vacation, create a cozy little nest for yourself. What would be soothing and calming for you? Bring your lovie!

2. Spend time alone.
Is there any way you can spend some time alone? Your knee-jerk answer is probably no, but think again. Can you ask your sig other to watch the kids so you can retreat? If you are with family, ask your relatives. I realize this can be a tough request, but they are probably happy to help. And even if they aren’t, they and the kids will deal for a short time. Give yourself this gift because it will pay off for all of you in the end. Walk on the beach, go for a short drive, go to your retreat place – just go. Even 20 minutes of uninterrupted alone time can make a massive difference.

3. Take care of yourself.
I’m not saying don’t indulge in yummy vacation food and drink. Just be sure to take care of yourself so you aren’t making your anxiety worse. Get lots of sleep. Take your vitamins, meds, and stay hydrated. Don’t give up exercise. It doesn’t have to be your full workout, just give your body some movement that feels good. Listen to music. Use your most soothing playlist when you are highly anxious and in retreat. Once you start to feel better, grab your feel-good playlist. If you want, share music with the rest of the family. I’ve found that music helps my girls have more fun and fight less, and I’ll do just about anything to achieve that!

4. Don’t feel guilty!
This one can be challenging, and I’m constantly reminding myself that anxiety is not something I choose. Plenty of “shoulds” pop into my head – I should be playing with the girls more, I should go in the pool, I should be less grumpy. These of course lead to sweeping beliefs such as “I’m a horrible mom”. Being hard on yourself makes things worse for everyone, and certainly doesn’t make you less anxious. Do your best and be gentle with yourself. The question I get asked the most is *how* to feel less guilty. I always respond with a question – how would you treat your son or daughter if they grew into an adult who deals with anxiety? Would you berate them and tell them to snap out of it? Of course not! Kids will always follow what they see, not what you say, so model kindness and self-compassion.

5. Focus on gratitude.
Did you know that it is physically impossible for your brain to experience fear and gratitude simultaneously? It’s so easy to tell someone to stop feeling fear and anxiety. It’s the how that’s the hard part! Once I heard this fact, I knew I had found a powerful tool. Every time I feel anxious, I focus on things that I am truly grateful for. Once you get through the standards like your family, friends, and health, think of the little things you appreciate. I did this 2 evenings ago when my anxiety was particularly high. Granted it was much easier to do sitting on a deserted, gorgeous beach at sunset! But I gave some appreciation to how much natural light I have in my home, my warm winter coat, and of course my pillow lovie.

It’s headed toward evening right now and it’s very possible anxiety will visit me again.

So I’ll focus on how grateful I am for the opportunity to be on this amazingly beautiful island in an ocean-front home with my daughters, my husband, and his family.

I’ll use the tips above to deal with my anxiety, and try to treat myself as gently as I would a frightened puppy.

Next time you take on the tough job of being a mom with anxiety on vacation, give these tips a try.

I want to hear from you!

In the comments below, tell me – which tip from above appeals to you most and why?

Also, would you share a tip that has helped you with anxiety on your vacations?