The Daily Wit

The Trouble With Rocket Science

The Daily Wit — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:45:37 +0000

Listening to the news this morning on my daily drive into work, I heard the ubiquitous phrase, “It’s not like it’s rocket science.” This got my noggin to thinking.

I feel sorry for rocket scientists because this phrase puts them in certain conundrums. There are at least two problems these poor guys and gals face.

First, what do they say when they’re talking about something that should be easy? “It’s not like it’s . . . what I do.” That sound too arrogant. They can’t reel that phrase out in a social setting. They have to adjust the phrase. But adjust it to what? There’s the problem. “It’s not like it’s quantum physics” just doesn’t have the same zip to it.

Second, when a rocket scientist is faced with something he’s unfamiliar with like, say, the automated checkout machine at the grocery store, this cliche can lead to some absurd interchanges.

Automated checkout machine (ACM): “Please scan the item and place it in the bag.”

Rocket Scientist: “I am scanning the item.” [Growing frustrated as he repeatedly swipes a gallon of milk over the scanner plate.] “I’m scanning, dammit, I’m scanning.”

ACM: “Please scan the item and place it in the bag.”

Rocket Scientist: “I’m scanning, you devil woman. You read the scan and I’ll place it in the bag. Deal?” [Scan doesn't register.] “Agh! Scan dammit. Scan dammit. Scan dammit!!!”

Customer waiting in line: “C’mon buddy. Could you hurry it up? This ain’t rocket science, you know?”

Rocket Scientist: “I know it’s not rocket science! If it were, I’d be done by now. You just back off before-”

ACM: “Please scan the item and place it in the bag.”

Next thing we know, the poor fish-out-of-water rocket scientist is punching the machine. All because of a worn-out cliche.

And it is worn out, isn’t it? It’s certainly outdated. Is rocket science really that hard anymore? We launch the space shuttle so often it’s like a Delta Airlines flight leaving Atlanta-Hartsfeld Airport. We’ve launched thousands of satellites, so I think it’s time for a new cliche.

Let’s give the rocket scientists a break.

No related posts.

Mental Potpourri Volume 2

The Daily Wit — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:26:08 +0000

Continuing with the potpourri posts wherein I just throw out a couple of random thoughts, here’s another. Volume 1 is here.

Driving back from Birmingham yesterday, I heard the news that Obama called Karzai in Afghanistan to thank him for allowing a runoff vote after the first scandal-ridden vote. Considering we’re spending billions of dollars over there, to among other things keep Karzai alive, I’m sure it actually went down like this.

First call.

Karzai: Hello?

Obama: Look you bastard. I’m going to keep this short. I’m going through money like a trophy wife over here to protect your ass. You agree to the revote or you can forget my foreign aid. Let’s see how long you last in that pointy little want-to-be-a-Pope hat once my troops leave.

Karzai: There is no proof of fraud. I can-

Obama: Are you f***ing kidding me? I’m from Chicago. I know voter fraud when I see it. That was some damn voter fraud over there. I had to check Mayor Daly’s passport just to make sure he wasn’t behind some of that shit. Now, agree to the runoff. I’m hanging up now, but I’ll call you back in about 1 minute.

1 minute later, Second call and cameras are in the room:

Obama: President Karzai. Good evening. I just heard that you are agreeing to hold a runoff election. That’s a wise and gracious move on your part. Your dedication to democracy and love for you country are reflected in this intelligent choice.

*****

Today, Obama issued a statement condemning yet another nutjob blowing up a school. This was as expected. But then I heard that Sec. of State Clinton also released a statement condemning the terrorist attack. This means that two government spokespersons were working on generally the same statements. We pay the salaries of those spokespeople. I know the President needs one as well as Sec. Clinton. That’s not my problem.

My problem is that they were wasting time duplicating condemnations. Once the President issues a statement condemning an attack, we don’t need lesser folks issuing redundant condemnations. You don’t see that in other analogous situations.

You don’t see the CEO of McDonald’s releasing a statement saying, “We are pleasantly surprised — shocked actually — at the popularity of the McRib sandwich. We’re not quite sure who’s eating these things, but we’re happy that they are. Carry on, McRib lovers.”

And then 10 minutes later, the VP for Menu Development issues a statement saying, “The McRib has exceeded expectations. This sauce covered meat of unknown origin is tantalizing someone’s taste buds. Keep up the good work, McRib fans.”

See? That doesn’t happen. In this instance, our government could learn from business.

*****

I hope to one day see someone pull off a suicide-murder.

*****

I’m a fan of the maxim “Everything in moderation.” I even take my moderation in moderation, so every now and then I get really stinking drunk.

Arbitration: Usually The Rape Is Metaphorical; Sometimes It’s Real

The Daily Wit — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:24:58 +0000

As a lawyer, I’ve written extensively about the evils of forcing consumers into arbitration rather than allowing them their day in court. But leave it to Jon Stewart to make the point better than any lawyer ever could.

And a subtext to the story is that Republicans are beyond a doubt the party of corporate whoredom.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c

Rape-Nuts

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Ron Paul Interview

Live Blogging My Trip To The Doctor

The Daily Wit — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:39:54 +0000

12.45

Yahtze! I’m finally back to a little room. I better sign off now. I’m pretty sure that if the doctor catches me doing anything other than eagerly awaiting his entrance, I’ll be kicked back out to the lobby to start over.

I can’t have that. Spy guy would drive me nuts.

12.31

Holy cow. A guy has just bellowed at the tv, “Send the troops what they need!” And, of course, he’s sitting right next to me. Now he’s telling me what all is wrong with his country. I keep trying to think myself invisible so he’ll think I’m gone, but it’s not working.

Interesting. He was in counterintelligence in Afghanistan. I thought those people were supposed to be secretive and discreet. Surely there’s a place in the spy manual on not announcing your political views to a crowded waiting room. He just advocated shooting everyone in Congress. I’m starting to get an idea why we can’t win hearts and minds in Afghanistan. This guy can’t win a heart or mind in a Mississippi waiting room.

Now he’s telling me where he works and his life history. I don’t see this guy holding up to torture had he ever been captured. I’m pretty sure he would have spilled the beans without even first being asked.

Holy hell. Nurse, call my name. For the love of God, call my name.

12.04

Of course Fox “News” is on. They just reported that Democrats are to blame for the earthquake in Samoa. They say they got a statement from the tectonic plates involved and all are outraged at the socialism/fascism going on in America. Oh, and Obama is not a U.S. citizen.

A man just asked how much longer the wait is. The nurse stared, put his chart at the bottom, and shut the window. That was not a good move, my man. Will you hand me that sanitizer on your way back to your seat?

11.52

Why does every walk-in clinic waiting room look like the waiting room from Beetlejuice? Where are the normal-looking sick people? That dude over there — the one who looks like he’s about to code — I’ll bet he’s not a paragon of normality when he’s feeling ship shape. I don’t want to come off as snobby because I’m not casting judgment. I’m merely remarking that if these people are here, who’s setting up the rides at the carnival?

The receptionist just told me to lay off the hand sanitizer.

11.43

There’s an 90-year old man shuffling across the floor in flip flops. I’m as egalitarian as the next guy, but those feet do not need to be in flip flops.

Some of these folks need to be in an ER, not a walk in clinic.

I think I’ll go bathe in the hand sanitizer.

11.32

So, here I am at the doctor’s office. My kids were sick last week. I knew there was no way I’d escape it. I have the immune system of a bubble boy.

I’ll post my thoughts as I wait for 6 hours to see a doctor who will not listen to me past the words “sinus congestion.”

I Don’t Write. I Just Embed Code.

The Daily Wit — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:23:36 +0000

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

No related posts.

Not Back For Good. Just Brett Favre Back

The Daily Wit — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 00:58:20 +0000

Earlier, I announced my Brett Favre retirement. And, since then, I’ve all but dropped out of sight. Today, with this post, I announce that I’m back.

But not really back. Just Brett Favre back, which means I have nothing wittier to post than just my continuation of the Brett Favre theme.

So, think of a time in your life when you laughed really hard. I mean a real gut buster — one in which you laughed so hard you weren’t making a noise for a few seconds. Got it in mind? Great.

Now, pretend that whatever made you laugh was something you read right here. Yep. That’s all I have.

I’m off to talk with Brett about our respective futures. We’re both thinking we’re too old for this stuff.

A Visual Metaphor Of My Life

The Daily Wit — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:27:54 +0000

An oldie but goodie.

This sums things up pretty well.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Proof That My Second Random Topics Story Is True

If You Ask Me — Installment 1

The Daily Wit — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 19:41:20 +0000

Welcome to the first installment of If You Ask Me, where Harmony and I answer submissions to advice columns. The questions are real. The answers? Not really.

You’re welcome to participate by submitting a question or giving us your answer to the question at hand. Or, you can just sit back and enjoy the fun. Here we go.

Dear Abby,

I’m about to move out of a condo I have shared for two years with a roommate I’ll call “Carly.” Her parents own it, and I’m leaving because Carly’s sister, “Heather,” is moving in soon to attend school. Carly is supposed to look out for Heather and teach her how to live on her own because Heather has some mental challenges.
In the two years I have lived with Carly, she has been mostly absent. She often leaves for days at a time without telling me. I hope this will change when her sister moves in.
Carly is also very promiscuous. She’s always with one guy or another, and occasionally intimate with more than one at a time. Through closed doors and over a blaring TV I have overheard her and her boyfriends going at it but accepted it as part of normal college life. I fear Heather will be mortified to hear what I have heard.
I don’t think Carly knows she has been overheard. Should I warn her when I move out? Or should I not mention it and hope she’s a better role model for Heather when she arrives? — ALMOST EX-ROOMIE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Harmony says:

Dear Almost Ex-Roomie in N.H. ~ Holy shit, what the hell are they doing in there that would cause you to feel mortified? I mean really any person of rationale would take a peek, at the very least. And if that’s the case and you are holding out on us…shame on you. Honestly, how do you expect anyone to assess this issue while you are holding out on all the facts? Obviously “Carly” is one kinky bitch and something tells me you’re a tad bit jealous. That said, I honestly cannot see how the sexual exploits of your ex-roommate are any business of yours, outside the peeking of course. That’s totally necessary. And? Expected. The fact that you are using the reasoning to protect “Heather” as way to inform “Carly” of her not so subtle sex life can mean one of three things:

a) You are braggart and the thought of getting to tell “Carly” that she is a whore on your exit gives you nothing but pure pleasure.
Or
b) You are a chicken shit. Your having to find a reason to tell “Carly” that she is loud during sex and that it is uncomfortable to deal with, instead of previously mentioning to her that you would rather not listen to your roommate getting boned all night long, drips with fear.
Or
c) It’s a combination of the two. Meaning you’re still a chicken shit AND a bitch.

Silence is construed as approval. With that you have no idea who/what “Carly’s” intends on being in your absence/”Heather’s” presence or for that matter whether or not “Heather” is going to be as wimpy as you. Being that they are both adults, I say you let them work it out.

TDW says:

Dear Ex-Roomie – Before I get started, what’s with the fake name? Is this a black ops you got going? You’re from New Hampshire. They’re only 12 people there. Trust me, the other 10 people in NH already know you and your roommate Ms. Loud Lay. Putting fake names in quotation marks will not make you anonymous. And no one knows you outside of NH, so let’s dispense with the cloak and dagger Ms., uh, let me take a look at your envelope here for your real name, yeah, Ms. Jill Abernathy from Weekapoko, N.H.

Jill, look. I believe in straightforward hit-you-between-the-eyes honesty. Your question makes it appear that you’re concerned about the sister of “Loud Lay” (ahem, I’ll call her “LL”). Your concern is that the sister has “mental challenges.” Alright, no euphemisms here. We call it like we see it. You’re worried about the retard. You’re worried about the retard hearing her sister getting double-barreled by the 2 busboys from Applebee’s and then going ape shit like Dustin Hoffman when he couldn’t watch Judge Wapner on time. Hey, that’s commendable. We should always watch out for those weaker than we are.

But how do you know Rain Girl is going to be “mortified”? How do you know our beloved Mental Gimp won’t use the sounds of her sister getting tossed around like a salad at Olive Garden as peaceful white noise? Don’t assume the worst. Our “special” friends will surprise you when you underestimate them. So, Jill, don’t sweat it. Grab some tequila, join LL in her next ménage-a-football-team, and live a little.

Mental Potpourri Volume 2

New Feature: The Advice Column

The Daily Wit — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 16:52:56 +0000

Harmony, who writes the blog The (After) Life Of The Party, was kind enough to include me in a great idea of hers — to answer advice questions submitted by you and/or from one of the innumerable know-it-alls out there. However, our answers will be truthful, frank, helpful, and much funnier.

Harmony has already written the first answer, so all we’re waiting on is my sorry self to plug in mine. In the meantime, if you need advice, we’re here to help. Consider us the hot cup of cocoa to make all your problems go away. A hot cup of cocoa with some crassness and cursing. But there’s nothing wrong with cursing.

Friendship

The Daily Wit — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 15:40:52 +0000

The anger of yesterday at the terrible state of politics in our country has subsided and I’m now back to my normal retarded self.

Last night, I received an email from my very first friend. We met when we were 5 years old. That was 117 years ago. We lived in a little town in the Mississippi Delta on the Yazoo River. Within 3 minutes we could be in the woods exploring as young boys are wont to do.

One of our favorite past times was looking for Bigfoot.

Isn't this just the best picture ever? I love it.

Every indentation in the sandy banks was a foot print. Every sound in the woods was Bigfoot moving around. We had a blast.

Now, 117 years later, we’re trading emails like we never lost touch. That’s the beauty of friendship. You don’t have to talk everyday. In the case of my childhood friend, you don’t have to talk every year.

After all, once you’ve tracked Bigfoot together, you have an unbreakable bond that lasts a lifetime.

Go forth this weekend and enjoy your friends and family.

(There. I went from pissed off at the world to overtly mushy in 24 hours. Later today, I will cut and paste Ecclesiastes into a blog post to lengthen the track on the emotional roller coaster. If you don’t get that reference, you’re a sinner.)