the blog of carolynpepsi

Rape Culture and Gender Roles

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sat, 11 Jun 2016 20:17:00 +0000

Rape Culture and Gender Roles

Carolyn M. Huyck

Riverside City College

Abstract

The expectations of females and males to embrace the gender roles of femininity and masculinity is a cause of rape culture. Gender roles are unnecessary social constructs that inhibit abilities and set the sexes up for failure. As sexual violence is considered normal, there needs to be a change in gender roles and expectations in order to allow for a society where sexual violence is not the norm.

Rape Culture and Gender Roles

“He had had a moment of clarity about how life should be lived: not as a child or as a woman. They were the two worst things to be.” That quote, a line from the novel The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (2002, p. 185), herself a victim of rape, embodies the perceived and/or real fear of sexual violence that pervades the lives of those who are considered weaker, namely women and children. While it may be mostly unquestioned as to why children are considered to be generally weaker than the rest of the population, one may ask as to why women are also considered weaker? Why are women in a state of fear of sexual violence? And why is the fear and the prevalence of sexual violence against women considered normal? The normalization and the occurrence of unconscious acceptance of these fears and actions is part of the constitution of our rape culture. Buchwald (1995) defined rape culture in the following way:

The fear of sexual assault that is part of the daily life of women in this country takes up a continent of psychic space. A rape culture is a culture of intimidation. It keeps women afraid of being attacked and so it keeps women confined in the range of their behavior. That fear makes a woman censor her behavior – her speech, her way of dressing, her actions. It undermines her confidence in her ability to be independent. The necessity to be mindful of one’s behavior at all times is far more than annoying. Women’s lives are unnecessarily constricted. As a society, this one issue hampers the best efforts of half our population. It costs us heavily in lost initiative and in emotional energy stolen from other, more creative thoughts (p. 188).

By this definition, women’s lives are not merely inconvenienced by the effects of living in a rape culture, but too large a portion of women’s thoughts, feelings, and decisions are spent on fear of sexual violence, not even to mention the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and decisions of a woman who has experienced sexual violence.

According to a report published by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 19.3% of women in the United States have been raped, and 43.9% of women have experienced sexual violence that was not rape (Breiding et al., 2014, p. 1). One might see those percentages and, even while empathizing with the victims represented by those statistics, decide that if one is neither one of those victims, nor a perpetrator of sexual violence, that sexual violence has nothing to do with them, doubt the idea that we are living in a rape culture, and see this type of violence as a normal part of life in our culture. That is the problem, the fact that almost one in five women in the United States has been raped, and more than two out of five women has been otherwise sexually assaulted, and upon learning these statistics, this information seems not to be a cause for great concern, but instead seems ordinary and normal. And the problem lies not only in physical violence, but also in the psychological realm, in the ideals of femininity and masculinity, and in the differentiation of girls and boys, and women and men, and the sexualities of each gender – how each are expected to act, and how they act one towards another, which includes these acts of sexual violence. These issues of sexual violence, both physical and psychological, should not seem normal, and in order to change the prevalence and seeming normality of sexual violence, we need to change the construct and perpetuation of gender norms in our society.

It has been long-believed that gender roles and one’s perceived level of masculinity and femininity was inherent in their biological sex – that females have natural feminine characteristics and that males have natural masculine characteristics. However, according to West and Zimmerman (1987):

The “doing” of gender is undertaken by women and men whose competence as members of society is hostage to its production. Doing gender involves a complex of socially guided perceptual, interactional, and micropolitical activities that cast particular pursuits as expressions of masculine and feminine “natures”. . . .

Rather than as a property of individuals, we conceive of gender as an emergent feature of social situations: both as an outcome of and a rationale for various social arrangements and as a means of legitimating one of the most fundamental divisions of society (p. 126).

This shows that gender is not predetermined biologically, and that gender norms are actually a social construct as both a means and an end to explain the male and female division in society. When gender is no longer believed to be intrinsic to males and females, as was previously believed, we can begin to question how society could be without unnatural and unnecessary expectations and divisions based on gender. How might children mature into adults without these gender expectations that inhibit their natural development?

From birth, children learn from society (parents, siblings, friends, teachers, the media, etc.) what is means to be a girl and a boy. They are told and they observe how each of them is expected to act, each according to their specific sex. In The Second Sex, Beauvoir (1949) describes the genderization of girls:

The passivity that essentially characterizes the “feminine” woman is a trait that develops in her from her earliest years. But it is false to claim that therein lies a biological given; in fact, it is a destiny imposed on her by her teachers and by society. . . . For the woman there is, from the start, a conflict between her autonomous existence and her “beingother”; she is taught that to please, she must try to please, must make herself object; she must therefore renounce her autonomy. . . . Freedom is denied her; thus a vicious circle is closed; for the less she exercises her freedom to understand, grasp, and discover the world around her, the less she will find its resources, and the less she will dare to affirm herself as subject; if she were encouraged, she could show the same vibrant exuberance, the same curiosity, the same spirit of initiative, and the same intrepidness as the boy (p. 294).

This quote shows that the feminine expectations that a girl learns while growing up hinder her freedom and abilities, and make her spend her energy trying to please others rather than making decisions that are beneficial to her. This feminization becomes detrimental to her growth as she goes through childhood and adolescence and into adulthood with seemingly hindered abilities and opportunities. Her feminization tells her that she is less-able and weaker than the boys, and it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy when she accepts the idea that she is less, when in actuality the comparison and desire to be as good as boys is wholly unnecessary as girls should be fine just as they are.

On the contrary, boys and men are taught not only to have “positive ‘masculine’ traits such as courage, strength, initiative, and adventurousness” (Miedzian, 1995, p. 155), all traits that would be desirable and beneficial for girls and women also, but males are also expected to have traits “that center on toughness, power, dominance, eagerness to fight, lack of empathy, and a callous attitude towards women” (Miedzian, 1995, p. 155). These characteristics bolster the notion that males are the more important sex – they are told that they are, they are shown that they are, and they believe that they are. This belief, coupled with the negative feminine traits of passivity, helplessness, and dependence, align together to help perpetuate men’s dominance and women’s weakness, concepts that are based on false pretenses which are widely accepted, mostly unquestioned, sometimes unconscious, and generally considered normal.

Sexual violence grows out of these gender norms and their effects. Even if not rape, per se, sexual psychological violence, sexual abuse, sexual assault, sexual torment, coerced sex, sexual threats, unwanted sexual advances, incest, molestation, stalking, indecent exposure, catcalling, voyeurism, sexual harassment, sexual name-calling, unwelcome touching, etc. Even if the majority of men can say that they have never committed any of these wrongdoings, most women have been a victim to one or more. Emilie Buchwald (1995, p. 186) lists eight different experiences of sexual harassment and sexual violence had by her four daughters while they were growing up in a Midwestern suburb. The list includes indecent exposure to her eight-year-old daughter, a high school classmate that groped and fondled her daughter between classes, attempted rape by a college classmate, and stalking that persisted until the stalker received a call from the girl’s father. Buchwald goes on to say about these experiences, “I am surprised by how many there were, and by how unwilling I was to understand what they represented. . . . As our daughters grew up, they heard similar stories from their friends. We began to realize that girls leading ordinary lives in supposedly safe surroundings were in fact living in an environment latent with hostility and sexual threat” (1995, p. 187).¹ This information shows how closely rape culture hovers over the lives of women. It’s so prevalent, that it becomes like a constant hum, that we are so accustomed to that we just accept it and go on with our lives.

Rape culture effects everyone, not just those who have experienced sexual violence. By changing the accepted and expected gender norms that are put upon males and females, girls and boys can be brought up to be neither “masculine” nor “feminine”, but as individuals who have the freedom to be who they are and whom they want to be. The unnecessary, illogical, and detrimental ideals of masculinity and femininity should not continue to hinder the progress of individuals, as it impedes the ability of both girls and boys and men and women to fully-experience their potential and in their capacity to express themselves in a healthy and constructive manner. The constrictions of gender norms harm society by enabling society to normalize sexual violence and to normalize the fear of sexual violence that impedes the lives of women.

Regardless of whatever strengths men as a whole, or as individuals, might have, women are not weak by default, and they shouldn’t need to have their strengths compared to men, as women can have strengths in their own right. Women should not live in a world where they are considered “less than” for no other reason than for their sex, with society listing the ways in which men are inherently better than them within the social constructs of gender. If men and women are compared, as a whole or individually, sometimes one may come out higher, and sometimes the other, but not in the black-and-while, all-or-nothing ideas perpetuated by society. Society wants to make a hierarchy, wants to compartmentalize, but it is completely unnecessary. Neither men nor women are entirely better than the other in a single aspect, let alone as a whole. If men and women were just allowed to be themselves, without being judged or compared unnecessarily, without the expectations and constrictions of gender norms and the perpetuation of the genderization of power and vulnerability, sexual violence would no longer be a norm, it would be the exception.

References

Beauvoir, S. (1949). The second sex (2011 ed.). New York, NY: Vintage Books.

Breiding, M. J., Smith, S. G., Basile, K. C., Walters, M. L., Chen, J., & Merrick, M. T. (2014). Prevalence and characteristics of sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violence victimization—National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. Surveillance Summaries (Washington, DC: 2002), 63(8), 1.

Buchwald, E. (1995). Raising Girls for the 21st Century. In E. Buchwald, P. Fletcher, & M. Roth (Eds.), Transforming a rape culture (pp. 179–200). Minneapolis, Minn: Milkweed Editions.

Miedzian, M. (1995). How Rape is Encouraged in American Boys and What We Can Do to Stop It. In E. Buchwald, P. Fletcher, & M. Roth (Eds.), Transforming a rape culture (pp. 153–163). Minneapolis, Minn: Milkweed Editions.

Sebold, A. (2002). The lovely bones. New York, NY: Hachette Book Group.

West, C., & Zimmerman, D. H. (1987). Doing Gender. Gender & Society, 1(2), 125–151. http://doi.org/10.1177/0891243287001002002

Footnote

1 Author’s Note: Four of the five children in my family are women, and upon reading the eight examples of sexual harassment and sexual violence experienced by Buchwald’s daughters, I thought about similar instances experienced by my sisters and I while growing up and as adults. I was able to recall one or two experiences had by each of my sisters and myself, without having discussed it recently with any of them. I wonder if there are more experiences unknown to me, and I also wonder how many woman, upon similar reflection, could come up with a comparable list of experiences of herself and of the women she knows.

SOCK 2013-03-07

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 07:59:00 +0000

i keep having to rush out of the house without choosing a proper jacket - i just grab the one that is the closest - but today’s does not fit with my ensemble - my outfit has black and purple, but my jacket is red and blue - at least it has a hood since it’s kind of rainy - i’ve had this jacket for probably 13 years - it’s old navy

now *that* was pretty snoozerific

i have a headache - and i feel snoozerific - since i am sick, i keep resting a lot and trying to get enough sleep - i *did* actually do the dishes yesterday though, so yea for me!

looooooooong drawn out boring voicemail . . . “and my number is thrfvfrsventotothrfrfvfvfv” - and then i have to listen to the whole thing again

i always think: i don’t need picasa - so then i delete it - and then i end up needing it again

“you are my sunshine” is in my head - it’s a sad song

feminism makes me feel overwhelmed - i need to study it more - but i think of myself and how i act and how much of it is me and how much is gender roles lodged in my brain from society - i think i just try to just do what makes me happy - it’s like in 10 things i hate about you, how one sister was too sweet because she cared too much what others thought, and the other sister was too mean because she didn’t care what others thought - ultimately, they both seemed to find the middle ground - neither being too nice or too mean, but just being themselves and doing what they wanted - but the fact that women have to think about all of this is what is overwhelming - what is us? what is society? - if i do like being cute and liked, is that just an aspect of my personality or is that because society has told me, as a female, that is what i should want? - where does one end and the other begin?

a scream of consciousness: I’M CONSCIOUS!!!!!

SOCK 2013-03-06

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 07:59:00 +0000

why why why would anybody choose to be a guy? - that was a line from a song from our middle school production of a play based on shakespeare’s tewlfth night

all day long, i’m working hard
all day long, i’m just trying to make the grade
all day long, i keep my friends flying high
but when the night time co-omes
when the night time co-o-omes
i live for rock and ro-o-oll
i live for rock and roll
i live for rock and roll
i live for rock and ro-o-oll
too many people try to tell you how to be
they try to tell you how to think and what you need to be free
but if you take a little time and really look at all the facts
you’d see what we need is not a preconceived way to be
we need a little bit of love everyday
we need to learn how to think and how to be real
we need to be who we are
we need to feel what we feel

that was also from that play

sneeze

i signed up to help clean riverside. they assigned our group to be litter team 6. awesome-sauce!

willy wonka is a jerk - he was having the geese work overtime for easter unnecessarily - what the fudge? - the poor geese - i hope they throw him down the garbage shoot


the poor oompa loompas

there, i made a meme about his exploitation of oopa loompas

SOCK 2013-03-05

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 07:59:00 +0000

i wonder how long i’ll call my entries “sock” until i’m over it and move on to my next bright idea

i am hungry. captain geo should be here soon with samiches and cheez-its! hooray!

is it healthy to be self-deprecating? if being self-deprecating is cool, consider me miles davis!

less thoughts today - more tireds

thinking about the good and bad of facebook

I see too many people who would normally get along who end up disliking each other because of facebook stuff. No one is wholly made up by their status updates and comments - we are so much more. I have started to just picture a gun when I think of some friends because they may have posted a bit about guns recently. I know they're more than guns, but their posts have subconsciously made them guns to me and I'd rather I pictured the nice friend that I know. It probably just makes us caricatures - magnified little aspects of ourselves. I try to write funny and cute things, but we all know that, even if I have funny and cute aspects of me, I am definitely much more than that - an abundance of other traits, some becoming, some unbecoming. I am always torn about Facebook because I like using it to keep in touch, but I know I have a certain unhealthiness with it too - in a way that is not good for someone who already has social anxiety disorder. There is probably just more of a need for moderation - like with everything. Facebook is neither bad nor good alone, but it could be bad or good depending on how its used.

an old blog entry got u2’s sweetest thing in my head again - it’s a never-ending cycle!

sniffle - that was a sick sniffle, not a sad sniffle . . . i don’t know . . .

i only took 100mg of caffeine today instead of my 200mg - now i am tired - drinking green tea for the helps

and now i just choked on my tea

what is a huckleberry friend?

instead of stream-of consciousness, it’s my moon-river-of-consciousness - i forget that i am spelling “consciousness” like halfway through the word - it’s like c-o-n-s-c-wait what?-what was i doing?- maybe i should look back-oh, that looks like it’s supposed to be conscience or something-thank you, helen hunt and as good as it gets for my ability to spell that word-no, conscience doesn’t fit with what i wrote before it-probably consciousness-i-o-u-s-n-e-s-s

and if you only know with all of those “consc”s how hard that was to type

fewer thoughts - for my grammar friends

i beat captain geo at the show “ed” - i win! - he thought it was called “ted”

i hear the secrets that you keep - when you’re talking in your sleep

that person must have a pretty serious sleep disorder

captain geo: you’re going to eat saltine crackers when you have cheez-its?
carolyn: oh, i forgot about the cheez-its. i can’t believe you yelled at me for looking at the crackers
captain geo: you were looking at them with your mouth

a poodle, a noodle, a doodle

oh what a night - one of my favorites ever!!!!! played at lowes

SOCK 2013-03-04

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 07:59:00 +0000

so someone asked about my blog - and then it made me think about my blog - and then i went and looked at my blog

and there it was, in all of its glory . . . my blog

it makes me sad that inanimate objects don’t get apostrophes in “its” - what, you think you’re better than them?!

i wish i thought about other things more - like more important things

but then i’m like whatevs

in the legal world, it is my pet peeve when proofs of service are unnecessarily put on two sheets of paper instead of one sheet - if you have like twelve parties to serve, i get it . . . and okay, maybe even three or four are acceptable - but if you only have one or two parties to name, there is no reason to make that a two page document - squeeze that junk onto that 8.5x11 thang - save some trees

the end

i am going to try to find a place for my mini garden - like a bowl or a cubby or a pot or something like that - exciting!

sometimes i don’t even have a stream-of-consciousness

how can i forget you, squirrel, when there is always something there to remind me?

. . . now i made myself sad =0[

why doesn’t the google writing thing have spell check that like underlines the words? like i know i misspelled consciousness - it doesn’t even have an n - but no squiggly red line

so this is my “sock” - that stands for stream of carolyn’s konsciousness - i wanted it . . . WAIT *there's* the red squiggly line, what the fudge?

i wanted it to be “sock” and silly, so there you go - either carolyn or consciousness had to start with a k - and i would be damned if it was carolyn

wait, why does sock have a red squiggly line?

why is it a stream and not a river?

captain geo made me two peanut butter and jelly samiches today - that was delicious and simple eating - my goal

see, i’m already like: this is pretty snoozerific, so i shouldn’t do it - but i have to remember that, even if it is snoozerific, future carolyn will find it interesting - i’m doing this for you, future carolyn!!! so you can weep at how awesome, or snoozerific, you used to be

i has the sicklies - after a month of being around a sick brother/boss, it finally got to me - fortunately for me, i am the opposite of a hypochondriac, so i am okay with being sick - relatively-speaking

captain geo’s soda exploded - it had a ten foot spread - i missed the explosion, but i got to help with the clean-up

sneeze.

that’s not my name, that’s not my name

i recall central par . . .

there *was* an earthquake - i win!

i have the chicago song “then along comes a woman” in my head - i want to write a parody called “then along comes a mormon” - it would be in good fun

and less soda

sneeze

your mom is a burrowing owl

that’s not my name, that’s not my name

sneeze

does my lack of proper punctuation and capitalization annoy you? does it make me seem like a hipster? is that something a hipster would do?

I think my scanner is screaming, but I am not sure if it actually *is* the scanner.

There, and here, I have proper capitalization and proper punctuation. I’m very, very proper, like Mr. [Proper’s] Penguins.

come on, baby, let’s get away - woah-oh woah-oh - let’s save our troubles for another day - come go with me, we’ve got it made - woah-oh woah-ah - let me take you on an escapade

es-ca-pade - we’ll have a good time - es-ca-pade - leave your worries behind - es-ca-pade - well you can be mine - es-ca - and escapade

i have a craving for dr. pepper gum

i can make a photographicalimaginalien

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 01:33:00 +0000

everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon. - ben wyatt

i wanted to do some photography.

then i wanted to edit the fluff out of it in all funsies and stuff.

the editing was done whilst parks and recreation was on - for the enjoyment.

first you shall see the real photo . . . and then the edited one.

oh how so so very exciting.

anne perkins!

first it's just an ordinary half of a truck you might find anyware.

(i probably read that sentence ten times before i realized there was a spelling error.)

and then it was in"s"epted - like with sepia - whatever that is . . .

se·pi·a/ˈsēpēə/

Noun:

A reddish-brown color associated particularly with monochrome photographs of the 19th and early 20th centuries.

Adjective:

Of a reddish-brown color: "old sepia photographs".

Synonyms:

cuttlefish

your mom is a cuttlefish - so she's in sepia - she's reddish-brown - take that!

this is the end of the road for the truck - and the end of the red.

what do you see? a barrow . . . a barrow . . . WITH A WHEEL!!!! WHAT THE HECK!?!?!

i sepiaed it up again. snoozerific and maybe cliche . . . but i keep accidentally writing sepsis. and that, my friend, is the exact opposite of snoozerific!

sep·sis/ˈsepsis/

Noun:

The presence in tissues of harmful bacteria and their toxins, typically through infection of a wound.

San Antonionym:

snoozerific

i would tell you that your mom has sepsis, but that might be kind of mean. maybe it's like your great-great aunt . . . or a distant cousin.

look at the top half of that swing set. like there are chains and ladders and stuff. trust me, it is an actual swing set . . . a set of swings, if you will.

the swing set has now been set in a peaceful yellowish background. now you know it's a real swing set, right? a swing set like that wouldn't lie. swing sets like that are famous for telling the truth.

(i used a slightish quote from seems like old times. it's on netflix. you should watch it.)

now there is a "swing set" in this photo too, but it is in fact a fake. don't tell it though, because it doesn't know. it's really a harpsichord who was disguised as a swing set as a baby to save it from a life of harpsichording . . . it's a terrible life, trust me . . . the correct decision was made.

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE YELLOW BACKGROUND! LOOK AWAY - BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

a darkish gate that is difficult to see, right?

a slightly less darkish gate that is a little less difficult to see. minds blown - all over the place. i know.

that was all i had.

on another note, i want to start a cult and call it the diffi-cult. and it would be really hard to join. there would be a waiting list.

i think this one is self-explanatory. however, i will translate for those who don't speak moon:

moon. loom. i'm on love (he's from the east coast) with the sun, but alas, it can never be. she thinks of me as like a kid brother. she's got a thing for the north star, but he's all popular and hardly knows she exists. if only he knew what a magnificent sphere of gas she is . . . and besides, she's really hot.

the north star is not the most luminescent sphere of plasma held together by gravity in the universe, if you know what i mean.

there are 5,742 differences between this photo and the next one. see if you can find them all.

(answer: it's the noise.)

the moon: oh, and i heard about neil armstrong and now i'm kind of sad. he was all-uponz, but in a good way.

the moon again: look at me, i "hoop" you're happy. hahahaha. do you get it? . . . i make jokes when i'm sad.

moon: mmmmm, daring!

(he too likes the great muppet caper - and he too, like miss piggy, would like to be a high-fashion model.)

psychedelic, qu'est que c'est, fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa, better not use drugs or your life will look this way . . . but in a bad way - because this looks awesome!

the moon totally photo-bombed this one. that sneaky little minx. he's always up on the latest memes. he has carried on the planking one a little too long; he does it all the time.

this is what it would look like if we lived on the sun. i think our retinas would eventually adjust, but the ~10,000°F might cause us some discomfort before then.

hoop dreams? more like hoop nightmares. am i right?

i think this photo speaks for itself - and it doesn't need me to translate. you know what it's saying. *wink*

you get a small glimpse of what it would look like if the sky were green . . . you're welcome.

an ordinary old brick thing with some kind of wooden box in front of it, right? . . . WRONG! look at it some more and you might come to realize how extraordinary life really is.

now that the last one completely changed your world view, this one is meant to bring hope for the future. can you feel the ectoplasmic ambiance of hope seeping into your brain?

ectoplasmic ambiance of hope is the name of my ray parker, jr. cover band.

well this is just a pulchritudinous display of fine architectural elements.

and this is what it looks like when it becomes the gates of hell. where's your pulchritudinous display now?

the door of shame.

the door of shame gets a makeover, but alas, it just becomes even more shameful.

the end.

i think photographers are supposed to share their camera information, so here it is:

canon powershot sd770 is digital elph made in japan

(we were persuaded by maria sharapova [captain geo] - and her dog [both captain geo and me]. "no, you come on.")

i used picasa to "enhance" the photos.

this was fun for me. join me next week where i try something else and then write about it.

carolyn may . . . have blacked out

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 23:49:00 +0000

So the other day I had food poisoning.

This is my story.

On the 4th of July, Mom, Captain Geo, and I headed downtown to meet up with the captain's family and watch the fireworks.

I have been attempting to eat more healthy of late which has meant that I no longer eat fast food once or twice a week as it was in the days of yore.

As such, it was decided that we would make a stop at Jack-in-the-Box (hereinafter referred to as "that place with all the food poisonings"*) on the way to the fireworks to pick up some din-din for a special holiday treat.

My favorite item from that place with all the food poisonings is Jack's Spicy Chicken Sandwich (hereinafter referred to as "the chicken sandwich of DEATH").

I order it with no lettuce and extra mayonnaise - as lettuce on burgers?! Come on!

And "regular mayonnaise" hardly consists of a dollop. "Extra mayonnaise" usually gets me a relatively good slathering which is sufficient for my needs.

Sometimes, however, it's a bit more.

So I ordered the chicken sandwich of DEATH and ate it at the fireworks area place we went.

The mayonnaise slathering was pretty good, but the sandwich tasted a bit off and it seemed to have some kind of cheese on it. I was disappointed that something that usually tasted so good turned out to be a disappointment, in light of the fact that I rarely eat them now.

I ate most of it and enjoyed the fireworks and went home and danced in the kitchen and watched Lost and went to bed and woke up and went to work and continued on my way.

Then, around noon, I started to feel achy. It wasn't too bad at first. But then I proceeded to get achier and achier. I informed the captain who felt that it had something to do with my kitchen dancing from the previous night.

I kind of tried to continue working, but the aching seemed to be causing me to be unable to think clearly, so I just kind of sat there.

Then the nausea hit. I grabbed my trash can.

I decided that I needed to go lie on the floor in the other office. I felt light-headed. I couldn't see clearly. I stood up, picked up my trash can, and I headed toward the other office, approximately 20 feet away.

The next thing I remember, I was lying on the floor in the other office with the trash can lying next to me, but I did not remember actually getting there.

It seems that I blacked out on the way.

I lay there for a minute or two and the idea flashed in my mind that I was dying - and that if this is what dying felt like, I didn't want to die.

The captain, concerned for my well-being, said that he was either going to take me home or take me to the doctor.

The idea of leaving work was foreign as I have not had a real sick day in a long time. I usually either get sick on the weekends and holidays or I feel well enough to go in and do some work if I have a relatively-minor illness. I knew that one day, illness would come.

As I still thought I may be dying, I agreed with the captain that I needed to go.

I stood up and walked back to my desk and started hyperventilating.

And tingling.

I picked up my cell phone and called my brother-boss and told him what had happened. I spared him the detail of my possible impending death for the time-being.

While packing up to go home, the hyperventilating and the tingling subsided and I began to doubt my impending death.

Now that I was just back to the aching, although still quite shaken from the recent events, I decided that we should go home instead of to the doctor.

When I got home I changed into jammies and got into bed. The aching continued.

Then came the cold.

Whatever clothes I was wearing weren't sufficient.

I put on a long-sleeve shirt, a jacket, gloves, and a second pair of socks. Then I lied there shivering under the covers.


Image not to scale, ie i am not shaped like that.The ankles are about to scale though - yep, little tiny petite ankles.

I had the captain put on Futurama and I fell asleep.

When I woke up a few hours later, I was quite a bit warmer and my aching was gone. Instead I felt weak.

Captain Geo made me a grilled cheese sandwich and a malt. We watched Lost.

And I didn't die.

In spite of my rendezvous with that place with all the food poisonings and the chicken sandwich of DEATH.

* Okay, so there are only two food poisoning that I know of - now three. If you go to their Wikipedia page, it speaks of one. And in 1994, my high school won the mock trial national championship, despite the fact that they had food poisoning.

And where, may you ask, did they get the food poisoning?

I don't know . . .

carolyn may . . . be able to read - we're not sure

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 18:54:00 +0000

11:54:57 AM: Reading The Hobbit.

11:55:44 AM: Poor Gollum. I am really disappointed in Bilbo for taking the ring.

11:58:07 AM: We were supposed to read this book in seventh grade, but I didn't read it. I only read the chapter where Bilbo and Gollum meet because Cristina and I acted it out as part of an assignment.

11:59:08 AM: There were very few books I actually read when I was supposed to.

12:04:57 PM: I never read: Old Yeller; The Hobbit; The Outsiders; Lord of the Flies; Romeo and Juliet; Night; All Quiet On the Western Front; The Scarlet Letter; Great Expectations; Julius Caesar.

12:05:14 PM: Those are all I can think of right now.

12:06:08 PM: I read parts of them, but not very much.

12:06:36 PM: I read Julius Caesar up until he died pretty much.

12:07:21 PM: I seldom, if ever, read any of my assignments.

12:08:02 PM: I remember that the few times I did, it was a big deal to me.

12:09:46 PM: Including history and science.

12:10:01 PM: No wonder I did my best in math.

12:11:55 PM: It's still difficult to do assigned readings.

12:13:12 PM: I figure it is part ADHD and part a lack of self-discipline.

12:14:51 PM: And part tiredness because I usually get very tired when reading and succumb to sleep.

12:15:02 PM: Even while sitting up.

12:16:39 PM: More I didn't read: My Side of the Mountain; Island of the Blue Dolphin; The Cay.

12:18:03 PM: I had a hard time reading when I was young because the stories seemed too long.

12:18:38 PM: Even children's books with pictures along with the story.

12:19:43 PM: I remember a book we had which was a young children's version of Alice in Wonderland and it seemed too long.

12:20:08 PM: It probably had four or five lines on each page under the picture.

12:20:45 PM: I would spend the whole time reading just thinking about how much more I had to read.

12:21:07 PM: And I would feel overwhelmed.

12:21:48 PM: Even though I was perfectly literate, relatively-speaking.

12:22:52 PM: I can only imagine how few books I read growing up.

12:23:53 PM: I did finish Anne of Green Gables when I was 13 or 14. It probably took a good year with stoppings and startings.

12:24:23 PM: My saving grace was Jack Weyland books.

12:24:44 PM: He writes young adult Mormon fiction.

12:25:30 PM: My sisters had been given some by my mom and I got into them.

12:26:23 PM: At first the length was daunting. One summer I started making goals to read a book in a week or so.

12:27:23 PM: I would divide the book up into seven parts and put post-it notes telling me where to stop and start.

12:28:19 PM: As it turned out though, I would get so into them that I would keep reading past the days allotted stopping point.

12:29:33 PM: I was actually starting books and finishing books and enjoying reading.

12:30:33 PM: I got all of the books and read them all multiple times.

12:30:55 PM: When a new one came out, I would get it as soon as I could.

12:35:15 PM: I think I really enjoyed their realism. They were simple stories.

12:36:29 PM: Simple in kind. Just young adults learning about life as they grow up.

12:39:34 PM: Each book might have dealt with a specific problem: parents getting divorced, having a developmentally disabled family member, drug addiction, sexual abuse, growing up in foster care, etc.

12:42:07 PM: And even though I am no longer a young adult, these books will always be some of my favorites. I plan to continue to read them from time-to-time.

12:43:27 PM: I wish I could say that I now really enjoy reading like I should - like I hear other people do.

12:44:54 PM: Unfortunately it is still a struggle. I still have resistance. I still will not finish my assigned readings when I am in school.

12:46:57 PM: Where others might feel it ordinary to finish a relatively long book, I feel great surprise and a bit of accomplishment when I do.

12:47:44 PM: Great accomplishment.

12:49:00 PM: And now that I have read 90 pages of The Hobbit today, I feel pride.

12:50:07 PM: I think it will be my goal to read all of the books I have been assigned to read, but which I have never read.

12:50:41 PM: Starting with the Hobbit . . .

01:31:01 PM: I wish they'd been eaten by the wolves - or Wargs as it were.

at least they were nice to the eagles

04:57:14 PM: the adhd makes it difficult to concentrate on and understand what i am reading. i will often have to go back and re-read a passage multiple times while trying to make my mind concentrate on what i am reading instead of thinking of something else.

carolyn may . . . be unconstitutional

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 18:10:00 +0000

11:10:20 AM: there is something going on in the building and it keeps shaking - i think it's going to give me a heart attack

07:15:06 PM: i have a sudden desire to play the original legend of zelda

07:15:15 PM: and the wii isn't even hooked up

07:15:25 PM: well it is, but no to the correct tv

07:22:39 PM: constitution has too many t's

07:39:45 PM: when i put staples in my stapler, i feel like i'm loading a gun

07:39:55 PM: and i've never loaded a gun

07:40:05 PM: nor actually touched a gun

07:40:52 PM: a blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl

07:41:08 PM: o-o-oh the sweetest thing

08:40:21 PM: I just accidentally cooked my soup for 11:45 instead of 1:45.

carolyn may . . . become Big Thunder Mountain

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 13:44:00 +0000

6:44:30 AM: I have to do the right thing by my kids and become Big Thunder Mountain.

8:56:08 AM: That was a line that was in my head when I woke up earlier. I wrote it down then went back to sleep.

carolyn may . . . go overboard

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Tue, 03 Jul 2012 22:17:00 +0000

3:17:39 PM: the entire civilized world knows that all closets are made of cedar

9:56:27 PM: "The pigs are walking." - Arst

carolyn may . . . have first-world problems

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 14:45:00 +0000

07:45:25 AM: Geo says that my writing on this makes me seem like I'm drugged.

07:46:46 AM: I guess it's because I'm writing my current thoughts which, of course, are going to be pretty random.

07:47:59 AM: I'm trying to kind of keep track of my moods. And remember my days. I'll be able to go back and read these entries and kind of remember what happened.

07:48:48 AM: Without these reminders, the days would mostly be lost forever.

07:50:16 AM: Sometimes I will think of my childhood and just think of random little almost memory pictures here and there.

07:50:42 AM: Sometime I want to do that and try to write them down.

07:51:49 AM: I also do that with dreams. I'll remember little snippets of dreams from years ago. The remembrance of them is almost comforting.

07:53:40 AM: I watched the Swedish version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I have to say that I think they miscast Blomkvist.

07:58:13 AM: He wasn't engaging enough. I couldn't buy that Lisbeth would fall in love with him as he was such a snoozer.

07:59:15 AM: And he wasn't much to look at. If he had been more charismatic, it could have made up for it, but as it was, it was a double whammy.

07:59:53 AM: He just seemed like an old boring guy and that is not how his character was written.

08:01:37 AM: I am excited to see the US one as, of course, Daniel Craig. He's a good James Bond and I think Blomkvist has a part civilian / part Bond thing going on.

11:06:38 AM: thank you for making my life surreal, weird singing guy in my office

02:24:49 PM: me and my first-world problems

02:25:00 PM: i feel so self-absorbed sometimes

07:12:48 PM: Sometimes I don't want to write anything.

07:13:05 PM: This was almost one of those times.

10:12:30 PM: For a woodruff family reunion that I went to as a kid, we sang a song about our part of the woodruff family - it was to the tune of Yankee doodle.

10:12:47 PM: The chorus was:

10:13:00 PM: Woodruff is our family name

10:13:12 PM: Uncles aunts and cousins.

10:13:37 PM: If you count us one-by-one,

10:13:49 PM: We'll number in the dozens.

10:14:52 PM: The end

10:16:05 PM: There was also mention in the lyrics of an ancestor named Fanny who had a bunch of kids. That is all my memory recalls.

10:17:19 PM: I have either been commissioned - or volunteered - probably volunteered - to write a song for the upcoming reunion for Geo's family.

carolyn may . . . want a sea lion

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 19:19:00 +0000

12:19:41 PM: I want a sea lion

9:27:22 PM: Lucy is squeak-squeak-squeaking away.

carolyn may . . . hot that one guy

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 16:32:00 +0000

09:32:33 AM: I want to be international.

09:36:27 AM: I have the hot stuff song in my head.

09:37:25 AM: I had a dream about playing air hockey, but, of course, it was a weird version.

09:38:23 AM: Oh yeah, and another dream about leaving presents on someone's walkway.

09:39:22 AM: Then, someone being held captive and trying to sneak in and save them.

09:39:55 AM: I always find it so difficult to describe dreams in detail.

09:41:19 AM: I want to see inception again.

09:41:29 AM: Hot that one guy.

03:19:40 PM: why does blueberry yogurt smell like nail polish remover?

carolyn may . . . coo-oo-oo-oo-ooper

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 20:54:00 +0000

1:54:43 PM: Anderson cooper has his own talk show on fox? That's weird.

1:55:12 PM: He *Is* a silver fox.

carolyn may . . . enjoy a buffet conglomorate

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 14:44:00 +0000

07:44:07 AM: Uppity puppity.

07:44:49 AM: Waiting for the caffeination to begin.

07:50:54 AM: I like when Tom Cruise yells in movies. He has an interesting voice and when he yells it's kind of cool.

07:54:33 AM: Rufio!

07:56:52 AM: Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees and the flowers an the trees and the moon up above . . . and a thing called lo-o-ove.

09:17:19 AM: imagine a teethbrusher thing that looks like one of those head gear retainers - you put it on and it brushes your teeth for you

09:17:42 AM: then . . . imagine that it's programmed to kill you

11:36:14 AM: my hands are so very very cold

11:46:36 AM: i don't understand herbal teas

11:46:56 AM: or why people like them

12:33:40 PM: ah, life and it's serious issues

12:53:01 PM: i want to give people lessons on dealing with other people

12:55:21 PM: i'm not like the master of dealing with people and i am pretty non-confrontational, but i just don't understand why people get so flipping upset about things

12:56:18 PM: there are the two things - the honey and vinegar principle - even though i don't like honey, but i love vinegar

12:57:07 PM: then there is keeping a persepctive and not making mountains out of mole hills . . . the poor moles and their little hills

10:39:28 PM: It's hard to write junk on a day like today. Just stress. Now I can watch nancy grace. Blah.

10:40:57 PM: I try not to post political stati on facebook, but I totally will on my blog.

10:43:50 PM: Yea for healthcare!

10:44:01 PM: The end.

10:44:13 PM: I'm so controversial.

10:56:40 PM: I want to go to the Duran Duran concert. They were a big part of my childhood.

10:56:58 PM: I was supposed to marry Andy the drummer.

10:57:40 PM: I think that's his name. I don't want to say it all like a know-it-all and the be all wrong.

10:58:20 PM: People like your mom.

11:14:57 PM: How does McDonald's always get in with the Olympics. And NBC and that announcer guy. I am not fond of that main Olympic announcer guy. I hope he's out this year.

11:16:48 PM: Why have I not seen any madagascars? I like animals.

11:17:46 PM: Why don't we have more buffet places here?

11:19:02 PM: We only have that hometown buffet conglomerate. Oooo. I know how to spell conglomerate. I know everything!

11:21:31 PM: Planes are like miles in the air. Miles. Miles?

11:24:19 PM: Miles.

11:25:02 PM: Major shampoo explosion. *salute*

11:31:41 PM: Nacho burrito? Damn you, taco bell.

12:01:18 AM: Gummy bears. Bouncing here and there and everywhere.

carolyn may . . . have eaten the cracker of death

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 18:02:00 +0000

(6/27/2012 11:02:29 AM): test

(6/27/2012 11:05:34 AM): feeling anxious - took a xanax - had to see if there were side effects with buspar

(6/27/2012 11:05:52 AM): luckily not

(6/27/2012 11:06:12 AM): http://www.drugs.com/drug-interactions/buspar-with-xanax-441-206-133-54.html

(6/27/2012 11:09:10 AM): i don't know if it's circumstantial (had to look up that spelling) or if it's from starting buspar last week and upping my dose of strattera

(6/27/2012 11:09:27 AM): . . . calm . . .

(6/27/2012 11:47:05 AM): and now it kicks in . . .

(6/27/2012 11:47:31 AM): it makes my eyes feel heavy - even if it doen't make me tired

(6/27/2012 3:22:18 PM): i have had the song "life goes on" in my head since sunday

(6/27/2012 7:29:08 PM): now yo gabba gabba songs are in my head

(6/27/2012 7:29:44 PM): still at work waiting for the captain to finish

(6/27/2012 7:30:16 PM): this is a strange job because time just pretty much flies by

(6/27/2012 7:30:57 PM): at previous jobs, i can remember the day just dragging on and quitting time seemed forever away

(6/27/2012 7:32:22 PM): maybe it's because i don't really have a quitting time - like it's 7:30 now and this is often about the time i leave, but it's different everyday

(6/27/2012 7:35:58 PM): google+ is so weird - like if we could trust google, but not trust facebook with our information, then i could understand why one might want to switch

(6/27/2012 7:36:20 PM): but we can't trust anyone, so i think people now just go with what they know

(6/27/2012 7:37:07 PM): facebook got in there first and has the most users - i just can't see google+ ever pulling it off

(6/27/2012 7:37:32 PM): unlike ted in his red boots . . . pulling . . . them . . . off

(6/27/2012 7:39:21 PM): http://images1.fanpop.com/images/photos/1300000/Red-Boots-how-i-met-your-mother-1377657-1280-720.jpg

pulling . . . them . . . off

(6/27/2012 7:40:14 PM): the google+ thoughts came to you in part by adhd

(6/27/2012 8:34:31 PM): It's time to do the dishes or something, but I don't wanna.

(6/27/2012 8:35:53 PM): I'm trying to do the flylady stuff, but I whenever I go to plan out my routines, I get distracted with all the ADHD and whatnot.

(6/27/2012 8:38:26 PM): Geo doesn't think it's a good idea to use our tablet to watch Netflix while doing the dishes. I see his point, but I think I would enjoy watching a little parks and recreation while scrub-scrub-scrubbing.

(6/27/2012 8:38:53 PM): Is it still cool to call guys scrubs?

(6/27/2012 8:39:44 PM): Where does slang come from?

(6/27/2012 8:39:56 PM): How is babby formed?

it is blatant that i has a bear

(6/27/2012 8:42:33 PM): I has a bear.

bear

(6/27/2012 8:42:41 PM): Bear.

(6/27/2012 8:44:20 PM): I want to see Duran Duran in concert. I wonder if they'd play a lot of their old songs. I feel bad that I don't really know their recent albums.

(6/27/2012 8:44:31 PM): But I grew up with them.

(6/27/2012 8:45:37 PM): I once faked sick to stay home from school. So I lied (yes lied) in the living room watching MTV.

(6/27/2012 8:46:23 PM): Suddenly and without warning, The Reflex came on. I got up and started dancing around.

(6/27/2012 8:46:33 PM): My mom came in and caughtm

(6/27/2012 8:46:38 PM): Mah

(6/27/2012 8:47:25 PM): . . . caught me and realized I wasn't sick, so she made me go to school.

(6/27/2012 8:47:34 PM): I was in kindergarten.

(6/27/2012 8:48:16 PM): Geo is going to eat "so

(6/27/2012 8:48:23 PM): Rar

(6/27/2012 8:49:08 PM): . . . "some weird frozen thing." That sounds delicious.

(6/27/2012 8:49:54 PM): Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime.

(6/27/2012 8:51:22 PM): Once, in reference to Beauty and the Beast," I forgot Chip's name and called him "cup."

(6/27/2012 8:51:34 PM): We thought it was pretty funny.

(6/27/2012 8:52:35 PM): Alright, I'll write out my stream of consciousness until nine, then it is dish ti

(6/27/2012 8:52:50 PM): Flargh

(6/27/2012 8:53:05 PM): . . . dish time.

(6/27/2012 8:53:10 PM): That is so

(6/27/2012 8:53:24 PM): Snarp

(6/27/2012 8:53:56 PM): That is some strong-smelling "weird frozen stuff."

(6/27/2012 8:54:46 PM): I already had oatmeal because I am on an oatmeal diet.

(6/27/2012 8:56:12 PM): It's Ralph's brand low sugar maple and brown sugar. I try to eat two packets for two meals per day, then something else, hopefully nutritious, for the third.

(6/27/2012 8:56:35 PM): And fruit . . . as a healthy snack.

(6/27/2012 8:57:01 PM): Okay, my goal for dish-doing time is 30 minutes.

(6/27/2012 8:58:19 PM): Time goes by so fastly . . . fastly isnt a word. That's a shame. Slowly is a word.

(6/27/2012 8:58:36 PM): Two minutes.

(6/27/2012 8:59:19 PM): Maybe I'll earths parks and recs on my phone whilst dish cleaning.

(6/27/2012 8:59:37 PM): My hands are cold.

(6/27/2012 8:59:47 PM): Are you reading this?

(6/27/2012 9:00:06 PM): Are your hands cold from reading this?

(6/27/2012 9:01:02 PM): 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9! 9. 9! 9! 9! 9! 9!

the dish timer

(6/27/2012 9:56:29 PM): It was about 30 minutes. I timed it, but it wasn't perfect because of circumstances.

(6/27/2012 9:57:01 PM): Like having to start the netflix and such after starting the timer.

(6/27/2012 10:00:06 PM): I decided to have crackers and cheese. I cut up some nice little cheese slices, then opened a package of Ralph's brand saltines.

(6/27/2012 10:01:47 PM): The whole box had been opened, but the individual package was still closed.

(6/27/2012 10:02:39 PM): So I opened the crackers and took one out, put some cheese on it and put the whole thing in my mouth.

(6/27/2012 10:03:06 PM): And it was really gross.

(6/27/2012 10:06:34 PM): And that is the story of the really gross cracker. The date on the box was March 2011. For 15 months past their date, they were surprisingly bad.

(6/27/2012 10:07:11 PM): I felt like Elf in Elf when he sprayed perfume in his mouth.

October 08, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 21:42:00 +0000

Carolyn: the satrs at night are big and bright
Geoffrey: Satyrs?
Geoffrey: The Goat-men?
Carolyn: seriously - have you seen them at night? you can't miss them
Geoffrey: Haha.
Geoffrey: Deep in the heart of Texas.
Geoffrey: Oh, forgot the clapping.
Geoffrey: *clap clap clap*

elucidate

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 03:53:00 +0000

e·lu·ci·date

–verb (used with object)
1. to make lucid or clear; throw light upon; explain: an explanation that elucidated his recent strange behavior.
–verb (used without object)
2. to provide clarification; explain.

Academic Pandemic

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 00:45:00 +0000

Maybe I will try this whole blogging thing again. It's insightful. So, my exciting week . . . Starting my new semester of school wherein I need to finish my science presentations and then it's math math math. I like tests better than writing projects. I am always at a loss for words. The current science presentation I am working on is about the 1918 influenza pandemic. I have to write about two scientific phenomenons that scientists learned from that experience. I know we learned that it was a virus that caused it, as opposed to the belief at that time that it bacterial. We've learned much more about the virus since then, but I can't think of a second thing that was learned as a result. I may need to split it. Discuss that we first learned it was a virus and hen what has been discovered about that particular virus. After that I am doing a presentation on the tropical rainforest biome that is the Amazon. I have to discuss the impact of humans on this area and what we can do to counter the negative effects. Very environmental. I was able to watch the jungle episode of Planet Earth which made me happy. Luckily there was only one animal killing and Captain Geo helped to edit it for me. I hope to someday watch the rest. After those to assignments, I get to do a science project. I haven't decided what to do yet, but I am really looking forward to it. Much funsies.

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 18:46:00 +0000

We'll see what happens.

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 01:28:00 +0000

I rue the day I showed Captain Geo "Revenge of the Nerds."

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 18:38:00 +0000

Why don't I live in Canada?

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 17:09:00 +0000

This morning there was a ginormous spider in the dog water bowl.

2010-06-17

noreply@blogger.com (Carolyn Lewis) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 03:35:00 +0000

Yesterday captain geo and I put together a puzzle.