Daily Joke - Laugh All You Can (^_^)

This is what happens when you stay in one company for too long

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 05:52:00 +0000

What stage are you in now? LOL ...

Timeless Laughter and Pain

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 12:14:00 +0000

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Bill Gates and Hell

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:04:00 +0000

    Bill Gates passed away and found himself in the ante-room between Heaven and Hell. The admitting Angel was surprised to see him and said there was some sort of mix-up in his file. After unsuccessfully trying to solve the mix-up, the Angel told Bill Gates that they would allow him to make his own choice as to whether he went to Heaven or Hell.

    Gates was then seated in front of two computers: one labeled "Heaven" and one labeled "Hell."

    The "Heaven" monitor showed streets paved in gold with many smiling people gathered in clusters singing beautiful hymns. Lovely harp music filled the air and the sky was filled with soft, puffy white clouds.

    The "Hell" monitor showed a white sand beach with a sparkling blue ocean gently lapping on the shore. There were many beautiful young women in tiny bikini's strolling the beach, lying in the sand and playing volleyball and having a lot of fun.

    Gates looked at both scenes for awhile and then thought to himself, "Hell really does look pretty great." He told the Angel he chose to go to Hell, and he was immediately sent down.

    Quite awhile later, the admitting Angel was making his customary rounds of Heaven and Hell, checking on the daily routines. He saw Bill Gates and went over to speak to him. Gates was chained to a wall. He was dirty and thin. His body was covered in festering sores and he was groaning in great pain. The Angel said, "You know, I could not understand why you chose Hell when you could have gone to Heaven. You, of course, are suffering the consequences of Hell."

    Gates looked at the Angel with tormented eyes and said, "Where are the beautiful girls? Where is the white sand beach and the sparkling blue ocean? Where is all the fun?"

    The Angel said, "Oh, that. Well, you were looking at the MicroHell Screen Saver..."

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The Three-Kick Rule

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 05:58:00 +0000

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

***

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The Hilarious Job Seeker

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 10:18:00 +0000

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a
young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking
for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-week
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

***

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The Effects of Swine Flu To Human Beings

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Tue, 19 May 2009 07:15:00 +0000

This is the effect of Swine Flu to human beings. Funny isn't it?

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The Real Reason Why?

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sun, 17 May 2009 08:30:00 +0000

For a couple of years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. (Funny!!!)

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Believe It, Or Not - General Knowledge

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Mon, 11 May 2009 06:58:00 +0000

General Knowledge

1. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it
starves to death.

2. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

4. A snail can sleep for three years.

5. All Polar bears are left-handed.

6. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one
olive from each salad served in first-class.

7. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

9. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until
the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

10. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

11. Butterflies taste with their feet.

12. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have
about ten.

13. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

14. China has more English speakers than the United States.

15. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.

16. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.

17. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

18. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a
calorie.

19. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to
have a full moon.

21. I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language

22. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a
neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

23. If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

24. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

25. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually
turn white.

26. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

27. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

28. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.

29. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

30. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

31. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

32. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all
of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

33. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed
in plane crashes.

34. No word in the English language rhymes with month.

35. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

36. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

37. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because
cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they
saw it as competition.

38. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

40. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing.

41. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.

42. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

43. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

44. Starfish haven't got brains.

45. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left
hand.

46. The ant always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.

47. The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at
night.

48. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

49. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches
for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

50. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

51. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

52. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.

53. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

54. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that
they start with.

55. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

56. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the
state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate
toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

57. The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the English language.

58. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England
in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

59. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

60. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able
to remember the word you want.

61. The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left.

62. There are two credit cards for every person in the United
States.

63. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters on only one row of the keyboard.

64. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

65. You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by
a poisonous spider.

66. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

67. You share your birthday with at least nine million other
people in the world

***

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The Fisherman And The Businessman

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:48:00 +0000

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.

He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”

“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat which will then result in larger catches of fish!”

“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions.

“You can buy a bigger boat and hire some people to work for you!” he said.

“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”

Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”

The fisherman, still smiling, simply looked up, nodded and said: “And what do you think I am doing now?”

***

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Manager vs Engineer

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:48:00 +0000

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

***

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"Ticket Please..."

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:52:00 +0000

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

***

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A Christian Horse?

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:51:00 +0000

Once a country pastor bought a horse. The dealer assured him he had made a perfect selection.

"This horse was raised in a religious atmosphere," the dealer said. "You cant say 'giddyap' to make him start. He won't respond. you've got to say 'praise the LORD'. And instead of saying 'whoa' to make it stop, you need to say 'Amen'."

The pastor paid for the horse, mounted him and said, "Praise the LORD." The horse cantered off toward the pastor's parish.

After a couple of miles, though, a jack rabbit darted into the road and spooked the horse. The horse took off at a gallop across an open field, directly toward a bluff that borded a huge river two hundred feet below.

In panic, the pastor forgot his instructions. "whoa!" he yelled several times he pulled on the reins, but the horse keep galloping.

Finally, at the last moment, the peacher remembered."Amen!" he shouted, stopping the horse all the very brink of the chasm."Whew," the grateful pastor said. "Praise the Lord!"

***

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The Extravagant Sons

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:19:00 +0000

-Author Unknown-

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning.

One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies.

"For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates." (^_^)

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Lawyer is Liar, Agree?

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:13:00 +0000

-Author Unknown-

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" (^_^)

***

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Holy Jokes (^_^)

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:25:00 +0000

-Author Unknown-

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, 'I do know!''

Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?

''That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,'

It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.
========

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it' s still out there in your pockets.'
========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.

Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'
========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'

A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.'

Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.

'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'

The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'
========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the chur ch building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute The substitute wanted to know what to play.

'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently.

'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.

'During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.'

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
========

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Ten Inches Of Deep Water

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 04:15:00 +0000

-Author Unknown-

A boy was sitting in a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great! he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local University. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his Joy.

Hey, asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle.

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the realities of the miracles of the Bible. That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10 inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across.The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible lying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight turned to leave.

Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.

Wow! Exclaimed the boy happily, God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches ofwater!

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The Devil's Beatitudes (^_^)

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 03:56:00 +0000

-Author Unknown-

Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church - they are my best workers.

Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked - I can use them.

Blessed are the touchy, with a bit of luck they may stop going to church - they are my missionaries.

Blessed are those who are very religious but get on everyone's nerves - they are mine forever.

Blessed are the troublemakers - they shall be called my children.

Blessed are those who have no time to pray - they are easy prey for me.

Blessed are the gossipers - for they are my secret agents.

Blessed are those critical of church leadership - for they shall inherit a place with me in my fate.

Blessed are the complainers - I'm all ears for them.

Blessed are you when you read this and think it is about other people and not yourself - I've got you.

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Why HR Manager Goes To Hell?

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 00:30:00 +0000

-Author Unknown-

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven', said the woman.

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

'Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,' he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her smiled and told: 'Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee.'

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Flash News - Very Important Announcement!

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 08:57:00 +0000

Subject: New Presidential Candidate... It's someone we know!

There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know!

See this news website about the surprising new nominee: CLICK HERE NOW

Jot back a note to let me know what you think :-)

***
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To Be SIX Again

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 05:57:00 +0000

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon.

As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling.

Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

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The Lost Son

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 05:52:00 +0000

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."

"Oh, that's ok," he said.

"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy."

The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother."

The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.

Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.

"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.

"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"

"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..." :-)

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A Funny Hand

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 03:53:00 +0000

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts slowly; the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy jumps out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a restaurant and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Look John, that's the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it." :-)

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My God Will Supply Me Groceries!

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 03:43:00 +0000

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.

She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries; God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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God's Punishment

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 03:47:00 +0000

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?" :-)

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Why Women Called "Computer"

jamesparmis@gmail.com (The RichMan) — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 04:14:00 +0000

INTERNET woman:
Woman of difficult access.

SERVER woman:
Always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER woman:
She is not worth for anything, but at least she is fun!

RAM woman:
She forgets everything you say when you disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

USER woman:
She messes up everything she does and she asks always more than she needs.

CD-ROM woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman:
Also known as "wife"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything. :-)

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