The Sykkylven Chronicles

Give me the strength not to murder their children while they sleep - if hellspawn sleep

2009-06-24T10:29:00.007+02:00

The rain changed into sunshine again, I'm happy to say. What I'm not so happy about is the seagulls enjoying it to. Sykkylven is full of seagulls that crap on my car. So I parked it hundred or so yards away from where the flying assholes live and though nothing more of it.

Now that the rain has stopped the seagulls seam to be bored - so they've found a new hobby: Dive bomb crapping. It's just what it sounds like.

Make racket about people on ground.
Fly overhead making racket.
Dive towards human looking upwards at racket.
Shit in your eye while making even more racket.
Get all your bastard friends to join in on racket.

Someone, give me the strength not to murder the seagulls' offspring while they sleep. Remind me again why seagulls are protected wildlife?

Was God angry or Evolution Drunk when our bones were connected?

2009-06-22T12:19:00.005+02:00

I'm a firm believer that cycling to work is good for both your health and environment. Breaking my wrist while cycling home from work has left me questioning whether or not our designers were high during the process. I have a couple of open questions:

How come our wrists contain 10-20 miniature bones that can't withstand impact when the normal reflex is to break a fall by putting out your arms?
Why is the knee a T-joint when everyday movement puts rotation on this joint?
Our backs are made for walking and can't cope with sitting, our knees are made for sitting and can't coupe with walking. How come?
The head will gain the most velocity in a fall ... why is our brain placed in the area most pruned to high velocity impacts?
Is it really better to have a single toe control 20% of our balance apposed to a tail?
Shoulders, knees, wrists and ankles damage easily. Why is there no backup system?

I'm just saying... Doesn't make much sense. I think Dr. Frankenstein was on to something with his reanimation. I wish he could reanimate my wrist a little bit.

Dating in Sykkylven - a step by step comparison with regular dating

2009-06-15T11:21:00.013+02:00

This is a lengthy post. There are many complicated steps to the Sykkylven dating process.

Most people find dating interesting, educational and heart warming. The ones that disagree are normally disgruntled people who would nothing more than go on a date, but aren't asked because of being to grumpy. People of small towns like Sykkylven are no different. The difference is how these people from towns like Sykkylven date.

For a starting point, let's take a look at the normal dating practice I've come acquainted to while growing up in a big city:

Discover person you fancy
Say hello to person and:
a. Get confirmation
b. Get rejection
Go for a picknik/stroll/ice cream/anything you can talk over to figure things out.
a. Get to know each other.
b. Discover new person.

The actions above take place over 2 days - 3 at most. Let's take the same process and apply it to Sykkylven. Before we start I want you to keep in mind that Sykkylven is composed of 7500 people. This loosely translates into 150 suitors for each person. A lot less if your gay or lesbian. Given that you would probably use some extra time on each person you meet to make the most of it.

Discover person you fancy
Talk to locals to get important detail about social stature, income, car, where they live, how the person dress and if he/she prefer wholegrain or white bred.
Stalk person a bit if interesting attributes
Ask around so to position yourself at a social event the person is likely to attend
Casually ignore the person for a while at the event

Here comes a breaking point: Follow eider or a; for something lasting or b; for one night stands.

a. Have a few drinks
b. Get hammered
a. Engage in small talk
b. Throw yourself at person
a. Start talking to someone else in stead
b. Start getting black outs
a. Wait for a week or so
b. Wake up, find you clothes and leave. End of b.

Now that the casual fling bit is over we'll proceed with the real deal. Getting to know the person we sort of like but know nothing about after 6-7 weeks of hey/hello. An average step in this guide is presumed to take 2-3 days to complete. So we are now approximately at day 20:

Figure out where person might be at next social event.
Don't talk to person outside social events, you don't want to appear interested
Skip the social event, better wait 2 weeks before seeing person again.
Talk a little bit at next social event with/without alcohol involved and make vague arrangement about something within the next few weeks.
Don't exchange numbers. Don't confirm dates.
Play hard to get. Ignore person if contacted.
Call person a slut/player (behind their back) for loosing interest/giving up.

On average this process takes 2-3 months. I'm used to the 3 days action described at the top of this post, so I usually have no idea what's going on at any time in this process. But here's a gem: most locals feels this process is just as retarded as I do. Yeah, you read that right. They think it's to slow and dumb, so they date outside of Sykkylven ... OK. Reality check. Please.

World's longest sofa, 890.25 meters, in Sykkylven, Norway

2009-06-15T07:45:00.013+02:00

The results for the world's longes sofa attempt is in: 890.25 meters. On a rainy Sunday at noon 300 volunteers assembled what turned out to be the longest sofa in the world. The assembly took 47 minutes and was supervised by Kaoru Ishikawa from the Guinness Book of World Records.

Ishikawa mad sure the 890.25 meter sofa got it's place in the Guinness Book of World Records after precise measurement by the City Councilman and the Chief of Police.

- The idea of building the world's longest sofa across Sykkylven bridge made us all smile. When it made us smile the idea was the general public probably also would. This record will stay with Sykkylven for eternity. If not: we will take the actions required to protect it - says Arve Ekornes of Ekornes.

The sofa was sold before construction, probably to locals in Sykkylven and factories. The project took one year to plan and was a joint effort by all the local furniture manufacturers to ones and for all show what Sykkylven is all about: record breaking sofas.

Seeing the record is fresh there is currently no official info from Guinness but you may a video of Ishikawa's comment or a post by national press. Ishikawa seam happy about the record, sad about the rain and confused why anyone would do this in the first place.

World's longest sofa record - Sure beats your tiny thing

2009-06-10T08:00:00.013+02:00

Update: The worlds longest sofa record is official. 890,25 meters.

What Sykkylven does for publicity is pretty interesting. This time it's building the world's longest sofa.

If you've never heard of Sykkylven (Norway), chances are you have no idea Sykkylven is the furniture manufacturing capital of the world. But it's true. The main export here is furniture - some 20 billion NOK worth (that's just a made up figure, I have no clue. Ekornes exported some 2 billion NOK worth in 2008 though).

So how does Sykkylven plan to claim its fame? By producing the world's longest sofa - A 860 meter long Sofa. (Sykkylven actually acquired this record back in 2008 with a 62 meter sofa but apparently lost it to Poland).

freshome.com's refection on the last record was about why people even bother. I think this is fantastic. Not only does Sykkylven plan to make the world's longest sofa, but also annihilate the previous record by 10 folds. That's one huge sofa. Can't wait to stretch out in it this Sunday.

Driving in Sykkylven - A Death Race ... of Aging

2009-06-09T17:00:00.008+02:00

Every now and again I get in a discussion about driving in Oslo with the locals in Sykkylven. Oslo has a few cars more than Sykkylven; in fact Oslo has 150 000 more cars than Møre & Romsdal altogether.

The argument usually goes like this:

Person A: You won’t believe what happened the other day on the road...
Person B: Well, at least it's not as bad as Oslo...
Person A: Yeah, Oslo is awful. The other day I got lost in a tunnel and...
Person B: That’s what I mean. In Oslo you can’t even stop in the middle of the road to read a map.
Me: Isn't it better to use public transportation if you don't know where you’re going?
A and B: Don't be silly. We've tried taking the buss in Sykkylven many times, driving is easier.
Me: OK. Then you need to figure out where you’re going and be more decisive.
A or B: Oh no. Those city slickers need to calm down.

I, being a city slicker, am perplexed. When I drive in Sykkylven I get get really frustrated. When there is a 20 meter gap at the intersection, I get on. If I drive through a roundabout I stay in (what I presume is) the correct lane. In Sykkylven the standard is pretty much to wait until there is a mile of clear road in every direction and to stay centered in all roundabouts and cross sections. And of course: Not using your blinker - that would strain the light bulb.

Makes for fun when you're going right to reach the ferry and the guy in front of you is going left. True to word he will be blocking both entrance lanes and waiting for traffic to clear for a mile in each direction before moving on. I've switched to a bike...

Folven Camping's Management is to Lazy to Care

2009-06-05T16:00:00.006+02:00

A couple of years ago I got hooked on going Stryn for summer skiing at Stryn Summer Ski resort and decided to get at trailer so I could be a bum the entire summer. I called around and find a gem of a wagon: A Swift Corvette. Think about that for a second: A Corvette trailer...

Before buying the corvette I contact Folven Camping about accommodations. The very friendly manager told me a spot for next season was a sure thing. So I bought the trailer and gave it a coat of paint.

As soon as the sow melted I sent a couple of e-mails to Folven Camping asking when I could drop by. No reply. This is what happens:

March. I send an email. No reply.
April. I call up and am told to wait over eater.
April. Management will be at Folven after May 1st.
Middle of May. Folven needs to check the lot for winder damage (I have no idea how winter damages a grass field).
Late may. Management needs to check their books.
End of May. Management will call me over the weekend about a final answer.
June. Suspicious of Folvens Customer Relation Management...

Three days ago I sent a mail stating my business and that I live 2 hoers away and will drop by in person if that's what it takes. The reply? "We have a vacant spot. Get here fast or it'll go to somebody else".

Am I the only one seeing the irony in Folven Camping telling me to hurry up? Suppose I should be lucky I just got spot. Although. Shape up. Seriously.

Folven here I come!

Skate or die - Sykkylven builds a skate park

2009-06-04T16:00:00.000+02:00

Never did make it to the boat festival so can't report much on that. However I did get an awesome visit from Ørsta! While we were walking past Aure Ungdomskole (a High School in Sykkylven) I noticed a bunch of people building stuff.

Later on when my visitor had left for the ferry I went back to investigate. Turns out we are getting a skate park in Sykkylven. Pretty awesome stuff. Being a Tony Hawk super veteran I'm pretty stoked.

The park is being built by some local old-school skaters I know with funding from the local government. They granted 50 000 NOK to the skaters building the park. In my mind that's way more useful than the 1 million NOK donated to build the church's tool shed. To bad skating is not a mainstream religion.

Ship ahoy matey! - Sykkylven Boat Festival approaches

2009-05-29T18:02:00.009+02:00

As you might not know Sykkylven is pretty close to the water. In fact you can probably jump from my balcony into the Atlantic Ocean. Given there is a tide and your legs are really strong...

This proximity to the ocean makes Sykkylven the ideal place for "Sykkylven Båtfestival 2009" (Sykkylven Boat Festival 2009). Clever as you are; you might imagine that it's about boats, Sykkylven and other boat related stuff. Quite correct. But mostly it's about beer, and lots of it. The whole thing is a massive gathering of boats anchoring up at "Verkstaden Bistro" (the local pup/diner) and getting hammered.

From what I remember of last years event it goes something like this:
(This will be a step by step recap of the night)

Dock your boat
Go to the pub
Get hammered
Talk about your boat
Get people to enter your boat
Get angry and throw people off your boat
Back to bar
Drink
Invite people to boat
Repeat step 6-10 until passed out
Wake up
Confirm that someone has untied your boat
Repeat from top

Normally someone ends up in the ocean as well. Quite entertaining stuff.
I recommend you all to drop by if you have the chance. I'll report back ones it's all over.

Weather in Sykkylven changes with a coin toss

2009-05-28T20:03:00.011+02:00

Update: Hurray. I broke my wrist. No cycling to work for a while!

Today I was not awoken by the seagulls having sex on my neighbour’s roof. Today it was the rain. Not pouring like a made man, but still enough to make the streets of Sykkylven pretty wet.

Earlier this year I made a promise to my self that I would bike to work every day. Sykkylven is not that big, so it only takes about 5-10 minutes to get to my office. However, 5-10 minuets in rain with no fenders is something else. Funny thing was that I really enjoyed it! It was refreshing so I was looking forward to my trip home as well.

When my day was over I got all suited up in my rain cloths and headed on out to find sunny skies all over the place. It was rely warm and nice so the tip home didn't go quite as expected. Not to worry though, I got plenty wet from cycling full speed in a raincoat through sunny Sykkylven. Yeah.

So basically: If you're moving to Sykkylven bring a raincoat and a backpack to stash it in when the sun comes out.

Seagulls that crap on my car should explode instantly

2009-05-18T13:30:00.005+02:00

Sykkylven is fairly nice when it's not raining. Like now, when we're going on the third week of bright and sunny days. However fair weather also brings birds. Sykkylven being close to the sea gets seagulls.

As far as I understand seagulls server no purpose in life except maybe eating sardines. Seeing that the sardines are dying out thanks to excessive fishing and change in currents; I purpose that Mother Nature let the seagulls know that they're obsolete. If we end up having all our corn eaten by locust, so be it. I rather have bugs on my windshield than crap all over my car.

God! I hate it when there's crap on my car!

The Circus is in Town - Elephants rule!

2009-05-15T08:39:00.003+02:00

It's been 15 years since I was at the Circus. When I noticed that Arnardo was in Sykkylven. I had to go. The prizing for circus tickets were ridicules, luckily a friend had some 50% off voucher. VIP treatment is fun, even when all the people attending are VIP's. I wonder how they make it all work when everyone pay half price, even at a small place like Sykkylven.

Made a few phone call, talked about elephants and convinced people to come. At this time I had no idea if there would be elephants. This is what I've been missing about the circus:

Cotton Candy: Not so much the sweet, but the machine.
Trapeze artists: They are just to awesome. What an amazing sex life those guys must have.
Contortionists: Someone with no spine deserves a special place in our hearts.
The Clown Dog: It's just too cute! This one could do handstands (pawstands?). That's beyond awesome.
Hot chicks in tight costumes: I noticed this the first time I was to the Circus, at age 3. I'm sure all men agree.
ELEPHANTS!!

I slept exceptionally well after seeing Arnardo again. Dreamed about Elephants and people in weird costumes. All I can say is: Go to the circus!