STFU, Twitter douches.

There’s this thing called Twitter. If you don’t already use it, you’re probably either as afraid of the Internet as your grandparents, or you don’t get it. Here’s how it works: you follow what people write, and, if you write some cool shit, people follow you too. There are tons of articles about how to gain Twitter followers, but maybe you feel like going against the grain and getting some ingrown advice on how to lose this annoying thing called Internet Popularity. Since there are as many fucking idiots on Twitter as there are on the rest of the Internet who seem to have mastered this, I figured I’d put together a guide just for those of you who seem to not be able to lose followers on your own. Here’s how to lose Twitter followers.

These are just a few ways to piss people off enough in hopes that they will either unfollow you, or never follow you to begin with. Maybe before you click that “Tweet” button again, you should think about whether your long-term goal is to post something that people are actually interested in, or if you’re a dipshit who should get in a car crash that leaves you paralyzed forever. Think about it.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you should follow me on Twitter. I promise not to do anything to hurt you. I will always use a condom. You can bring me to meet your parents. My promises are always empty. Twitter @sucktackular.

You’re in a rush. You’re running late to work. You have to get on the elevator to the 5th floor. Only one of the 4 elevators work, and the one that works is the slow one that everyone hates. You can’t take the stairs, because they’re out of order too (and you’re overweight). The elevator finally arrives. You’re already late. You drank too much coffee. You have to fart really badly. Nobody is in the elevator with you. The coast is clear, so you let a huge one rip.

The elevator stops at the 2nd floor. The gorgeous girl from accounting steps into your chamber of nausea. She doesn’t say anything. Neither do you, because you’re petrified (in more ways than one). Morning wood and farts don’t mix. You finally arrive to your office. On your desk, you find a note from your boss. It says, “SEE ME.”

On your way out, after getting fired for sexual harassment (apparently women do not like morning wood in the elevator), you take a shit in the elevator and begin your search for a job in a one-story building.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

So I was in the bathroom the other day watching this guy pee (who doesn’t) when I noticed him behaving particularly strangely. He had paper towels in his hand, which he was using to flush the urinal. He then walked to the sink, used the paper towels to turn the water on and pumped soap into his hands. He gingerly placed the paper towels next to the sink while attempting his hand-washing endeavor. After he was done lathering and rinsing for what seemed to be an eternity, he wiped his hands off with the paper towels and used the paper towels to turn off the sink.

It was at this point, I illogically thought to myself, he would throw away the paper towels like a normal person. Instead, he proceeded to use the paper towels to open the door to leave the bathroom, walk down the hall with paper towels in tow, and open the door (still using the paper towels) to the stairwell towards his office. WTF?

My question to you, Mr. OCD Hand-Washer, is this: When the fuck does it turn from, ” I’m ridiculously afraid of germs to the point of being an asshole,” to “I’m the fucking weird guy who carries around dirty paper towels, and I also use a bathroom on a different floor because I’m scared my coworkers will find out I’m a freak”?

31) Use “whoMever” more often.  That’s with the M folks.

32) If you have to deal with an asshole at work, they should be required to sign a form, whenever you ask, acknowledging that they were, in fact, an asshole.  Said form will include an description of the douchey behavior and will incur a service fee which will be paid directly to the employee.  Call it a “Fuck Wad Tip” or something.

33) If you fail to tip your waitress/waiter, they should be allowed to take pics of your license plate and face.  These photos will be posted on their wall at the restaurant, and if you go there again … expect pubic hair in your salad.

34) Failing this, if you pay with a card, they ought to automatically be able to add a 37.25% tip to the bill.  Wait staff are some of the hardest working people on the face of the earth.

35) BUT… if you’re a waiter/waitress, you better make me feel like you’re glad I’m there.  Any eye-rolling, sighing, snorting, or attitude will result in me leaving you no tip and elliciting numbers 33 and 34.

36) They really ought to figure out what the last digit of Pi is.  Oh, and Pi ought to have an E at the end of it.  I like E’s.  They’re cool.

37) If you’re famous, they ought to come up with more stuff like “Don’t hassle the Hoff” or ChuckNorrisFacts.com or “Bo Knows” et al.  Bo knows the last digit of Pie.

38) Use more latin.  “Et al”, “Ergo” et cetera.  Just don’t throw it in there to come off like you’re smart.

39) Any angry letter you write should include the ending, “Love, (name).”  “We regret to inform you sir that your services will no longer be needed, and you are directed to turn in your ID and uniforms at the door.  Love, Frank.”

40) Metamucil should be considered an official source of food in that food pyramid, or whatever the fuck it is nowadays.  The world would be a much happier place if people didn’t have to push so hard.  A wise man once said, “Man whose shit comes out in blink of eye-happy man.”  I think it was Fuckyoucius.  I will now take the pseudonym “fuckyoucius.”  I’m extremely pleased with myself right now.

41) LPs are not frisbees.  You owe your parents like $3000 in inflation adjusted dollars.

42) They should make it so fat guys get laid more often.  You ever hear that (apocryphal) story of how Ben Franklin (a fat guy) was considered very good looking for his time because he was overweight?  Yeah, that’s me.  Commence having sex with me.  Not, not you Mike!

43) Mike should no longer be a legal name.  Do you know how many fucking “Mikes” are out there right now?  If you name your son Mike, I ought to be able to punch you in the face.

44) Women: Stop stealing men’s names. Leslie, Jessie, Celeste, this one was for you.

45) As Dane Cook alluded to, you should not be looked at askance when you name your kids with a Chewbacca sound, or in fact “Chewbacca” or whatever else you can come up with.  Be creative.  They’ll thank you later when they’re not named Mike.

Random Thoughts, Part 1.
Random Thoughts, Part 2.

We’ve all come across them. In fact, there is no escaping them. They surround you wherever you go, making your seemingly non-hazardous stroll across the street a gravely dangerous decision. No, I’m not talking about pedophile rapist priests this time. I’m talking about horrendously shitty drivers.

I’ve created the above venn diagram (courtesy of GraphJam.com) to illustrate the types I will now summarize. It isn’t difficult to understand. There are a few major categories that most people will fit into, and I’m confident you already share my absolute hatred of these stupid motherfuckers.

1. Women (Especially Teenage Girls)/Cell Phone Users/Texters – They’re all pretty much the same thing. Some people can get away with occasionally texting while driving. Most women, however, can’t get away with fucking driving while driving. Maybe it would be easier to drive an oven or a dishwasher?
2. Old People – Sometimes you see these wrinkly pieces of shit looking lost as fuck, driving 35 MPH in the fast lane down I-95. Who the fuck taught these assholes how to drive … George Washington? Shouldn’t they be dead by now? You can spot these motherfuckers a mile away, since you’ll see their brake lights blowing up for no reason, ESPECIALLY when nothing is in front of them. I hate these dipshits.
3. Asian People – Asians drive just as poorly as old people, but they can’t blame old age for their shitty ass driving. What else do they have left to blame? If i knew, I’d tell you. Maybe knowing how to speak ‘Merican gives you some kind of driving advantage. Whatever it is, these fucks don’t have it. Stick to Math, fried chicken, and Starcraft. STEREOTYPES LOL!!!111111
4. Sports Car Drivers – I don’t know what it is about driving a sweet BMW or Benz that makes these dipshits drive like they have a 2002 Kia Sportage. They have 300HP under their hoods; they need to quit wasting that shit. If they drop $50k on a sick ride, they better drive that shit like it’s stolen. Is it that they’re too scared that they’re going to get a scratch? Cry me a fucking river. When you pull into Starbucks for your douchey orange mocha frappuccino with a side of asshole, I’m gonna key the fuck out of it anyway. I hope you get into a car crash that leaves you in a wheelchair; that way, you can go your slow ass speed all day long and not fuck up my commute.
5. Black People (Not Nearly As Bad As Others) – I don’t know what it is about these fuckers. They love to ride my ass with their fake-ass black police interceptor, but then proceed to block the shit out of everyone trying to actually go somewhere, all while talking on their piece of shit push-to-talk Nextel phones from the late 90′s. Since when was that EVER cool? Oh right, it wasn’t, you annoying pieces of shit.

On a side note: Isn’t it strange that Tiger Woods fits into about half of these categories? I guess getting the shit beaten out of you by your golf club-wielding wife while driving to the nearest tree would make you a bad driver too.

What’s your most hated kind of driver? All of the above? Tell me in the comments.

And apparently K.I.T.T. does not like idiots attempting to do burnouts inside of him. Wow, that sounded almost as gay as Knight Rider.

Click here to view the embedded video.

If you eat this, I can guarantee there will be no fingers included.

Did you ever go to IHOP and order anything but breakfast food? If so, you’re a fucking idiot. In related news, some dumb ass lady ordered a salad at IHOP and got a piece of finger/fingernail in her mouth as punishment for being so stupid. What is the lesson here? If you go to a place with a breakfast food as part of the goddamn name, order breakfast food or God will find a way to shit on you for your lack of decision-making skills. Examples of said establishments would be the following:

• Waffle House
• Waffle Shop
• International House of Pancakes
• Pancake House
• Don’t Order Our Fucking Salad, There Is A Severed Finger In It — Try The Pancakes, Dipshit

Breakfast food is not only infinitely more delicious and unhealthy than all other food; it doesn’t require cutting off your fucking finger to make. What, did you think they would accidentally shave off some knuckle whisking that egg? Maybe accidentally cut off some pubic hairs into your sausage link? Well, that last one might happen. But no, it wouldn’t. You know why? Because of that key word, “accidentally.” That shit only happens on purpose, and because you deserved it, jack ass.

Want to see some awesome pictures of the piece of finger? There is a complete writeup at The Smoking Gun. However, they do not shed light on this very important issue that I’ve touched upon here. This is probably because they order non-breakfast food at IHOP. Those morons.