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If you eat this, I can guarantee there will be no fingers included.

Did you ever go to IHOP and order anything but breakfast food? If so, you’re a fucking idiot. In related news, some dumb ass lady ordered a salad at IHOP and got a piece of finger/fingernail in her mouth as punishment for being so stupid. What is the lesson here? If you go to a place with a breakfast food as part of the goddamn name, order breakfast food or God will find a way to shit on you for your lack of decision-making skills. Examples of said establishments would be the following:

• Waffle House
• Waffle Shop
• International House of Pancakes
• Pancake House
• Don’t Order Our Fucking Salad, There Is A Severed Finger In It — Try The Pancakes, Dipshit

Breakfast food is not only infinitely more delicious and unhealthy than all other food; it doesn’t require cutting off your fucking finger to make. What, did you think they would accidentally shave off some knuckle whisking that egg? Maybe accidentally cut off some pubic hairs into your sausage link? Well, that last one might happen. But no, it wouldn’t. You know why? Because of that key word, “accidentally.” That shit only happens on purpose, and because you deserved it, jack ass.

Want to see some awesome pictures of the piece of finger? There is a complete writeup at The Smoking Gun. However, they do not shed light on this very important issue that I’ve touched upon here. This is probably because they order non-breakfast food at IHOP. Those morons.

All that is wrong with the Internet is summed up in this single conversation.

These days, with the flood of single-serving websites, we are inundated with amusing content on a daily basis. Many of these sites have gotten book deals and go on to fill the douche racks at Urban Outfitters, if they’re lucky. However, with the amount of hilarious content, there comes an even greater amount of fucking stupid content — shit that is so unfunny it will make you think you’re funnier than the author. See what they did there? You’re wrong too, moron; you aren’t funny either.

“[It's] a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle of inanity”
-some dipshit who thinks he’s funny

Back before the Internet became saturated with unfunny guyblowers, it was a requirement to have a good sense of humor and natural writing skills to ejaculate comedic value all over your readers. If you weren’t funny, people would simply not read your site. Nowadays, any shithead with a Tumblr or Facebook account can post a picture of a cat, or a dude throwing a cat, or a dude sucking another dude off who is throwing a cat that is playing a keyboard, and their website will get millions of visitors.

Here’s the thing about these sites: They all started out funny. They had a small pool of hilarious user-generated submissions that brought traffic in. When the funny submissions started fizzling out, they either did one of two things:

1) Bitches got lazy and started accepting any old stupid shit that was submitted (example: Failbooking)
2) The editors (whom we must assume have great senses of humor) actually read the submissions and sifted through piles of unfunny Dane Cook amateur shit to find that one Mitch Hedberg nugget.

Below, I’ve attempted to do the latter and given you some of my recommendations on what sites you should read and what sites you should spit on if you ever see them homeless on the side of the street asking you for money and smelling like cat piss while shitting their pants and giving a free toothless BJ to your neighbor who you always suspected was different because he says he drives a Prius for the gas mileage AND thinks it looks cool. Plus, he buys all his overpriced shirts from Urban Outfitters. Seriously, dude?

The Good:

• Awkward Family Photos – A perfect example of a well-executed, hilarious, disturbing single-serving website that will make you want to see every single sick family picture until you realize you’re just as creepy for looking at all these creepy pictures. The fuck is wrong with you?
• Emails From Crazy People – The name sums it up. The funniest part about these is that they’re believably moronic. Everything on “The Bad” list below is not believable or funny. Part of the famous Cheezburger Network.
• I Am Hilarious – This dude finds some random Internet gold nearly every day, so quit wasting your time with that stupid Farmville shit and subscribe to this.
• People of Walmart – If you’ve ever been to Walmart, you know how shit-your-pants funny the people can look. Well, imagine if you and all your friends took pictures of these missing chromosomes and put them on the Internet. That’s what it’s like. It will never get old.
• FAIL Blog – Another part of the Cheezburger Network. If you don’t already know about this site, you should just quit the Internet already. It will make you spit beverages onto your monitor, so make sure to have a towel ready. Said towel can also be used to wipe up the vomit after you visit some of the ridiculously shitty websites below.

The Bad:

• Failbooking – Ironically, also from the Cheezburger Network comes this steaming pile of dogshit that isn’t worth a blowjob from a tranny with aids. You will find more original, entertaining material by watching Carlos Mencia, and THAT is an insult, my friends.
• FML (Fuck My Life) – Another prime example of people making shit up and posting it on the Internet because they think their bowel movement is made of comedy gold.
• Lamebook – A select few of these are actually funny because of the sheer stupidity involved, but overall they’re about as realistic as Pamela Anderson’s fourth pair of bazoons along with the possibility of you putting your face between them. Noodz or it didn’t happen.
• STFU, Marrieds – In case you thought your married friends jizzing lovey-dovey posts all over your Facebook wall wasn’t enough, stfumarrieds will be sure to make you want to blow your own brains out, and possibly eat a cockmeat sandwich or ten. It has the longevity of a virgin WoW player popping his first cherry, which isn’t long at all when you think about it. Oh.
• Texts From Last Night – Everyone thinks the shit they said last night while they were drunk as fuck and getting head from a midget stripper was the funniest, most hilarious shit to ever meet the Internet. Well, guess what? You weren’t getting head from a midget stripper, and whatever you made up to try to get upvoted on the “Best of” section wasn’t remotely entertaining either. Fuck off.
• Yahoo Answer Fail – Ok, we get it. Yahoo Answers is full of budding comedians. If you love kids, or you have the sense of humor of a pre-teen who doesn’t quite understand pregnancy or Mexican abortions, you will love this. Otherwise, this site needs to be fed visine and left to slowly die.

More believable than this movie.

Sucktackular Movie Awards

Seventh Moon 2009
This movie wins the award of crappy filming.
This movie is about a newlywed couple of a blond white girl and a Chinese guy. They decide to take a honeymoon in ghetto china. (ok?) They then find themselves in a rural area and get attacked by the “demons” of that month.
I think the camera man was an alcoholic with the shakes. The camera is shaking the whole time, and I got motion sickness twice.
I have never seen a movie where the” Demons” are a bunch of humans in white, full body spandex, until now. All they did was make the video blurry so it seems like they are ghosts.
If you purchased this movie, please find an empty pool, go to the diving board, and do your best head first dive.
If you downloaded this movie, and paid for it, get some chlorine and bleach, mix them, and inhale.

This movie receives a -5 out of -10

I’d rather walk across Interstate 95 than watch this again.

R.I.P. shizroe

Instead of fisting, hydrate yourself.

Craptastic movie of the year award.
Holy crap.
If you see the title you think, “this might be another Back Draft movie”, then you watch, and start to hate life. The plot is about a small dick firefighter that can’t get along with his wife. He asks his daddy what to do and they lay down the religion. Religion will help this marriage, obviously.

You may think this is a small review, but that is it. That is the whole fucking movie. 1:58 hours of crap.

One, just one, scene that has to do with a fire… the rest is crap. The first thing you will notice is craptastic acting. Holy shit, I haven’t seen acting this bad since a high school play.

Plot equals crap.

If you have purchased this movie, go put your hand in a garbage disposal and turn it on.
If you downloaded this movie, and paid for it, jump off the Woodrow Wilson Bridge now.

This movie deserves a craptastic rating of -8 out of -10.

I’m going to go stick a fork in an electrical outlet now.

-R.I.P. Shizroe

I’ve heard some people talk about bomb shelters and survival packages. This is bullshit. When everyone is going to fucking die, it kind of defeats the purpose of hiding with a bunch of shitty freeze-dried food. Are you hoping the food somehow saves your stupid ass from dying? That’s the thing about the end of the world. IT’S THE FUCKING END. Maybe some people don’t quite understand this.

The correct plan of action for me is very simple. I will shit my pants. Here’s why. Think of any other appropriate time to shit your pants and be happy about it. The only other times you can happily do so are when you’re either very young or very old. I can assure you that none of my readers are either of these so I’m sure you see where I’m coming from.

If you shit your pants when you’re the only one going to die, you will get laughed at. For example, if you get hit by a car and shit your pants, dogpound will take you to the hospital and he, along with other staff, will laugh at how you shit your pants. This is because shitting your pants is funny, unless you are the one that did it.

Additionally, once you’re taken to get cleaned up for your funeral, the funeral home artist will have to clean your dirty ass. Do you wish that upon anyone? That isn’t funny. It isn’t pleasurable for you or him/her. This is why shitting your pants under normal death circumstances is not a good look for you. Try not to.

If the world is ending, however, the situation changes considerably. If everyone around you is dying and shitting their pants, they are doing so because they did not plan for the end of the world and are not sure what else to do. They will have a look of terror and confusion on their faces as the 30-story tidal wave engulfs the horizon. I will not. I will have a gigantic smile, since I am absolutely ready for this event. I will shit my pants and know that there will be absolutely no repercussions for the first time and last time in my life. Nobody will laugh except me, and nobody will have to clean my ass after I’m dead. What will you do?

Nobody Likes Onions

I’ve been listening to Nobody Likes Onions since damn near the first show. It might have been the 15th show, or something like that. It is the work of professional stand-up comedian and tech mastermind, Patrick Melton, who does a fuckload of stuff for the show. He created and runs the website, hosts and records the show, runs the store, bangs hot chicks across the country, and is one of the funniest assholes with an iPhone, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Another stand-up comedian, Johnny B, is one of the most frequent cohosts. His cock mold came out wrong, so he had to do it again (they auctioned off cock molds for a fund-raiser).

Most of the show is spent making fun of guests, fans, and idiots in the news. Many of the shows are live, during which Patrick and the cohosts take phone calls and usually hang up on the stupid assholes that don’t fucking know how to use Skype to save their own piece of shit lives. I don’t really feel like writing out all that is hilarious about NLO, so read their wiki if you think this would remotely appeal to you.

Links
Website: www.nloradio.com
Twitter: @NLO, @pmelt, @NloJohnnyB

Hospital Records

If you don’t like drum and bass, you might as well just skip this one over. If you have an open mind, you might just fall in love. The Hospital Records podcast has a very basic formula: play music. It is most commonly hosted by London Elektricity, but other DJs frequently join the show as well. The music spans the different types of drum and bass and you are guaranteed to find a few massive tracks that you not only love, but have never heard before, during each podcast. HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommended. Do not miss.

Links
Website: www.hospitalrecords.com
Twitter: @LondonElek

No Agenda

No Agenda is not for the fans of Fox “News”. It is a no-bullshit news show with, as they say, no agenda. The show is paid for by the fans, and is not financially backed by any healthcare or oil companies. It is hosted by Adam Curry (well-known for being an MTV VJ back in the day) and John C. Dvorak (old school techno-geek known for hating the Macintosh mouse, even though he doesn’t).

The angle that this unconventional couple covers on the show is rarely, if at all, covered on big news. While you may not agree with all these guys discuss, it makes for some very interesting listening and encourages free thought.

Links
Website: www.noagendashow.com
Twitter: @noagenda, @adamcurry, @THErealDVORAK