Submissive Guide

Review: Protocols – Handbook For the Female Slave

lunaKM — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:00:53 +0000

I’ve reviewed protocol based books here before but this one is far more unique than those read previously. Protocols isn’t just a book about protocols, it’s a handbook written from one Dominant to his slave. These are the actual orders and behaviors he expects out of his slave. While it reads like a handbook you can glean lots of wonderful information about leather lifestyle and his higher protocol experience.

Protocols is written by Robert J Rubel. He has written several good resources for the BDSM library such as Master/slave relations, Protocols for the Leather Slave and several others. This one is no different. The depth of the details and information brings you so intensely into his life and the life of leather that I ended the book wanting more.

The first part of the book is an introduction into leather lifestyles, various forms of D/s relationships and how the lifestyle has developed to what it is for him. If you aren’t familiar with the Leather Lifestyle this book is an eye-opener.

In the second part of the book he details proper dress, attitude and behavior of his slave. He shares a centering ritual that I find to be quite beautiful in its simplicity. There are several chapters about protocol dinner parties and how to serve at the table. If you have been looking for something to reference in relation to this, I highly recommend this book.

While this book can be read by a novice submissive I feel that it can overwhelm the inexperienced rather quickly. Everything detailed here does not happen in every relationship. My Master and I have different protocol ideas but the ones in this book are a beautiful dance between the two involved.

Product Details

lunaKM’s rating: 9/10
Paperback: 160 pages
Publisher: The Nazca Plains Corporation; 2nd edition (April 1, 2006)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1887895124
ISBN-13: 978-1887895125
Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6 x 0.6 inches
Buy Protocols: Handbook for the female slave

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Novice Q&A – July Edition

lunaKM — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:00:52 +0000

Q: I have question. I’m a Sub newbie under a Dom’s consideration for a D/s relationship. Our relationship is not just confined to the bedroom but throughout our entire relationship. The only time we follow “norm” conduct is in the vanilla world.

My Dom has made it clear that he practices domestic discipline (non abusive or harmful). My question is what forms of domestic discipline are considered? I know they vary, but is there a considered theme of punishment? The thought of that does intimidate me a bit.

A: I had to do some reading online about Domestic Discipline relationships because I do not practice it and don’t know anyone in a DD relationship to refer to. From what I gather most DD relationships are based on a 50′s Housewife way of living. The Master is the head of the household and makes all the decisions. The submissive maintains the house and home according to his wishes. Punishment within these relationships is for infractions and violations of rules and what I read mostly relies on over the knee spanking.

I have purchased the book Domestic Discipline by Jules Markham so that I can understand it better and I recommend you seek it out too. It comes recommended on several of the sites I was reading on the subject.

Q: I am in a vanilla marriage, we have been together for 10 years. I have been recently getting in touch with my submissive desires. I feel this is something I would like to persue with my husband. We already have this kind of dynamic but not in a sexual aspect or to any sort of extreme. What is the best way to introduce the D/s dynamic to an already established vanilla relationship as a submissive?

The best way is slowly. Start by talking about your fantasies. See if he will entertain one of yours if you entertain one of his. If you are already open about being submissive outside the bedroom you really can start talking about the intimate side of your relationship. What about the sexual aspect is appealing to you? How would you like him to act? Are there things you want to try? Open up and talk to him about it when you are alone with him in a non-threatening way.

[contact-form]

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Kink and Mental Health: The Background

Rayne — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:00:17 +0000

There’s a lot of debate, in our kinky little corner of the worldwide web, about kinky people who have mental health issues. What kinds of problems they cause, how to keep them from destroying the mood in kinky venues, whether or not D/s (and the structure that often comes with it) can help a person with mental disorders, whether or not they should be involved in kink or dominant/submissive relationships… The thoughts and opinions, as with just about every topic of discussion, are all over the place.

Why does this matter to me?

I have mental health issues.

I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was about sixteen. Mostly because my parents knew there was something wrong, but couldn’t figure out what, and really didn’t know how to handle me anymore. When I was twenty-ish, the small-town police where I lived had me committed to the mental health unit of a local hospital for suicide threats. Later that year, I admitted myself because I ran out of my meds, my psychiatrist was out of town, and not even my regular MD would sign off on a refill, which caused a massive panic attack that lead to suicidal thoughts and threats. And not far into the next year, I attempted suicide for the umpteenth time (and the last), got caught by M’s ex-fiance (my then-best-friend), and was committed again.

I don’t have a set-in-stone diagnosis. None of the therapists or psychiatrists I’ve dealt with have been able to agree on one. A few things that have been mentioned are bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety/social anxiety disorder, chronic clinical depression, and AD(H)D. One doctor mentioned the possibility of me suffering from schizotypal personality disorder, but I’ve never really put much stock in that. I mean, yeah, I’m a little on the paranoid side, but I think my paranoia fits more with the definition of anxiety disorder than SPD.

I don’t know how much, if any of it, is actually something I suffer from. When professionals can’t agree, it’s really difficult to make that determination based solely on my own perception of my mood swings and crippling panic attacks.

And that is the biggest problem I have with the mental health profession. So many mental disorders can only be diagnosed by spending time with the person and seeing how they react to different stimuli. And many people with mental health issues, myself included, are amazingly proficient at putting their best foot forward when they feel the need to.

Especially me. Because growing up the adopted child of a Southern Baptist military man from Texas, and a United Methodist Yankee with money, everything’s all about appearances. And having a child with emotional issues is a sign of bad child-rearing, not a mental health problem that should be treated. Something to be humiliated by, not helped.

I haven’t attempted or threatened suicide since the last time I was committed in 2002. I won’t lie and say I don’t occasionally have thoughts. But they are few and far between, I never act on them, and they usually occur when I’m overwhelmed, and overstressed, and can’t figure a way out of it.

It’s hard to determine what the change in my ability to control my mental state was caused by. Too many factors are in play. Like the fact that the last suicide attempt was a serious wake-up call, and proved to me that the relationship I was in and out of for six years was unhealthy for all parties involved. Or that I met M, begged for/accepted his collar, and suddenly had rather rigid structure that I hadn’t had since I was a child. Or the fact that I’d spent about two years in and out of mental health institutions and out-patient therapy. Or that I quit all the recreational drugs I was using, seriously reduced my alcohol use, and started paying attention to triggers and learning how to deal with them.

All of those things could have contributed to my sudden semi-stability. Or none of them could have. It’s just not possible to know for sure why I’m doing so much better than I was in my teens and early twenties. Maybe I just grew up!

I’m not perfect by any means. I mood-swing like it’s nobody’s business, and go into deep depressions where I can’t get out of my own way, and have at least one severe panic attack a month. But I’m getting better without any help from the mental health profession.

(Disclaimer: I am not suggesting anyone try to handle mental health issues on their own. I know that there are good professionals out there and that they are able to help some people. I just have yet to find the one for me, and I’ve pretty much stopped looking. Please do not take my experience and apply it to your own situation. It could prove to be damaging to you and those around you.)

If I’m to be honest, I’d have to say that a lot of the common stereotypes about people with mental health issues irritate me. Granted, some of us are completely off our rockers, and we should absolutely be seeking consistent, strenuous professional help, if not in-patient care. I’ll give you that. But the truth of the matter is, they are the exception, not the rule.

If you were to meet me on the street and have a conversation with me, no matter how long or short, you would have no idea that I have problems keeping myself on an even keel. Hell, I have friends I’ve known for years who wouldn’t have a clue that I have been in and out of psychiatric care since I was sixteen if it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty up front about it.

Most of the time, I’m coherent, stable, able to participate in intelligent conversation. I take pretty good care of myself. The only hygienic thing I skip from time to time is shaving my legs, but I think a lot of us do that. It’s so time consuming!

No one ever feels endangered by my presence. In actuality, I’ve been told that I have a calming, soothing affect on people from time to time. And even when I did go into blind rages, coming out with no recollection of what I’d done (hasn’t happened in eight years), I only ever hurt myself or my own belongings. I never turned my anger on anyone else. Even the person who caused it. Well, until I started fighting back. Refusing to take the abuse lying down.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure who to be angry at. The fact of the matter is, I caused at least half of my problems growing up. I’ve always been my own worst nightmare. And when there’s no one else to blame, it must be that I’m a shitty person, so I direct the anger at myself.

Until recently. Recently, since I’ve found a man who will shoulder the blame that he’s owed, I’ve directed the voice of my anger at him. I still reserve the physical expression for when I’m alone.

Over the next post or three (I’ve got no exact direction with this series, just some idea of where I want to end up. So it may be all over the place, and if so, I apologize.), I’ll tell you what it’s like for me, on a day to day basis, how the structure in our relationship works, how the issues affect our relationship… I hope, if anything, this series helps others out there like me.

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Out of the Office and Into the Home: Making the change from working to stay-at-home submissive

lunaKM — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 14:00:53 +0000

Last February was a difficult month for me. Like many in this failing economy I found myself without a job. I was stressed and frustrated and knew that it would be very difficult to find another job when the competition was over 7% of the state’s workforce. Master wasn’t going to let me stay frustrated though.

Shortly after my job loss he came up with a plan. Our dream was going to be reality a little sooner than we had planned. He took on more work to make up the difference in pay and I was to become his stay-at-home submissive. A change in lifestyle not to be entered into lightly. It has proven to be a difficult change, indeed.

I was brought up to work. My work ethic was relatively strong and I got a lot of personal fulfillment out of working. I like the satisfaction I get out of completing a task and getting praise for it. I’m good at working and figured I’d be doing it for a lot of years to come. I wasn’t raised that home care was work, they were chores and chores were to be hated and disdained. They were something you had to do to get to the fun stuff. It wasn’t work.

Master works from home already. I was going to essentially enter into his domain during the day. I was there to please him as well as maintain the home to a higher standard than it was being held to. I was going to have to learn to find the joy in cleaning and being home a lot.

My first couple of weeks were spent cleaning the house sort of mish-mash. In reality I just was catching up with the household chores that I rarely got to when I was working. I started to feel good about the way the house was shaping up but I needed a routine. I found myself watching too much TV and doing even less work once the place was picked up.

That just wasn’t going to cut it. I sat down with FlyLady.net and my own Home Management binder that I made several months ago with an intention to follow it. I worked over my daily and weekly chore lists. I elaborated on them, added to them and rearranged them for my new life at home. I had to work in my website work in the afternoons so my housework became first priority in the mornings.

I started a list of things I’d like to accomplish short term and long term. I wrote down my dreams and goals as a stay-at-home submissive. They looked something like this:

Short Term:

Start doing laundry more than once a week
Keep the dished washed, dried and put away daily
Make the living room suitable for drop in visitors
Maintain the litter box better
Really work hard on re-starting my diet and exercise routine

Long Term:

Find cost effective home cleaners that are eco-friendly
Learn sewing and craft skills to make or repair items rather than purchasing new
Develop and wear a home uniform that Master would like to see me in
Learn a higher level of protocol and service
Prepare more meals at home, for less
Learn canning and other food storage options

Now this was just a start to my stay-at-home dreams. I knew that I had a long way to go and I still don’t know where to start some days. But the transition still develops along with the effort needed. I’ve started learning and experimenting with old fashioned cleaners like baking soda and vinegar and tested my own laundry powder successfully. I’m also making more effort to cook and prepare more meals at home. My routine is starting to come together.

I’m a year into my new life and I’m beginning to see patterns in what I do on a daily and weekly basis. I feel less stress than I did while working and I can see an immediate improvement on Master’s life. He’s happier, smiles at me more often, appears to have less stress at work and I can see he enjoys having me at home. His dominance is stronger as well.

I have floundered and had a few days where I just sat in front of the TV all day, but these are not going to be common. I’m trying to establish a routine that will work for both of us. I’ve had difficult days and stressed over little things. I’ve cried because I miss work, even though I do have a ‘job’ now it’s still not in me as work. Master has been patient through it all. He’s helping me see my new position as the best of both worlds. I get to work on my own terms and be with Master every day, all day.

Overall it has been a positive change, even if it wasn’t planned to happen right now. We are rolling with the change, making it work for us and honestly, are very happy with how things are developing for us. Staying-at-home is work, but work that I can feel good about because it is improving our personal life and enhancing our dynamic. Dreams have become reality and more dreams are on the horizon. Anything can happen!

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Serving after Abuse

SehAnru — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:00:42 +0000

Having been in the lifestyle for almost two years now, one of the things that I have noticed is that I am facing a lot of issues due to abuse from my past. Not from any Dominant in the lifestyle, just from others in my past. I’ve learned enough that if you have similar past experiences, I’d like to share some of it with you.

When it comes to this lifestyle there is one important factor that keeps coming up which is to be open and honest with your Dominant. To some, this is a very frightening thing to ask because there may be things that you have not worked through yet. I have come to learn that these things are things that can hinder you emotionally and sexually. One of the duties of a Dominant is to help you through those issues in order to help you grow.

One of the main issues is trust. People who are emotionally, physically, and sexually abused find that the ability to trust someone is very rare. Don’t get this confused with the ability to show respect. If you are a service submissive, it is okay to show respect to all Dominants as is appropriate and allowed. That doesn’t mean you are required to trust them. For example: in large crowds I will huddle close to either my Husband or my Master depending upon who is my escort for the event as they both understand my needs in this situation. It is important to find someone who is aware of your needs and capable of taking care of you.

How do you take that first step out of your box? The answer is very carefully. First is to not rush things, be patient. This can be very hard to do when you discover this new world and want to try new things, but there are a lot of predators out there, it is important to not latch on to the first person you come across. I have made many mistakes, like jumping in without finding out what is in that murky water. Be careful of being over confident in your ability to handle yourself. It is easy to end up in the same situation in which you were abused before, and it can put the locks on your mental doors in the process. You can easily become jaded unnecessarily. Take time to get to know people. If they are worth keeping around, they will stick around and will also make the effort to get to know you.

When it comes to taking that step in wanting to get involved in scenes, again, talk to people. Get references about those in which you are interested in having a scene with. Set up a public scene at a local dungeon. Do not do private scenes. Do not invite someone to come to your home, especially if you live alone, or even if you don’t but know you will not have anyone there at the time. These are all safety precautions that should be first and foremost in your mind. I know from experience that being anxious and excited sometimes overrules common sense.

Know your limits and be honest with yourself and those you choose to share this lifestyle with. For example: I have a very hard time with humiliation. I can’t handle someone calling me a dirty whore, slut, etc. I go into fight mode or completely shut down, even though I do like being that naughty little girl. This is an example of something you need to face and explain to your Dominant, even if it has been agreed upon that you are to be broken down and reprogrammed. I have seen and read about this in many Master and slave relationships, the point should not be to damage you in the process. If that is the path your Dominant chooses to go down, you should re-evaluate your relationship as that is abuse.

Be very open and honest with your Dominant. He or she is not a mind reader and no matter what he or she says, your Dominant will not know your needs, or your limits unless you give him or her that information. This includes your past, which I know, again from experience, can be very frightening. But if you are going to go out on a limb and consider someone who would be allowed any physical, sexual, and emotional control over you, you owe them the tools to do the job. Suggestions I give in my Submission in Motion’s group: Write out what you feel are your needs. (I say feel because these will change over time as your grow.) Keep a journal. (This can be either online or buy a journal, or even use a notebook.) Chat with other submissives. (Peer support is great and will offer you many ideas to think about.) and/or go to local munches. (I went to Fetlife.com found the munch in our area and started going. You should too.)

Keep your heart and mind open enough to have new experiences, but closed enough to be safe.

Happy submitting.

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How to Be More Aware

lunaKM — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 14:00:30 +0000

In this hustle and bustle world we are losing an important connection. No, I’m not talking about the internet; we are all plugged and tuned out from the world around us. We seldom recognize the people around us let alone acknowledge them. If your goal is to be a submissive that serves every wish of your Dominant, sometimes before they know they need or want something you have to unplug and relearn a vital personal trait. You have to become more aware of what’s around you.

In Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus one of her lessons teaches this. I’m going to describe her lesson as well as a couple others that may help you reconnect with the world around you and bring awareness into your submission.

Lesson 1: Awareness of Self

In this lesson you will become more aware with how you carry yourself, what you say and how you come across to others nearby. The general idea is to become more graceful, less sloppy and conscientious of how you appear to others.

For this lesson you will need a watch with a timer or some other alarm that doesn’t have to be turned off; it just beeps and continues. That way it won’t interrupt what you are doing when it goes off. If you are on your computer a lot the free desktop application called TimeLeft is a good option.

For the next 3 days, set the timer for one hour. This will be an hourly check for you. Each time the timer beeps make aware of how you are sitting/standing. Correct it if need be. You don’t want to be slouching or fidgeting. Sit up straight, put both feet on the floor, stop twitching and calm your breathing. After the first few checks you may begin automatically correcting yourself as soon as you catch yourself slipping into poor posture or mannerisms. The goal is to not need the timer any longer and be aware of your body and mannerisms on a more active basis.

Lesson 2: Awareness of Surroundings

Using the same timer or watch from the previous lesson you will be using the one hour timer to perform another lesson. In this lesson you will start to become more aware of your surroundings. Hopefully you will tune things out less and perhaps notice more that you would have missed previously.

At the signal of each hour take a moment and close your eyes. Try to name 3 things that are in front of you, behind you and to each side. Pay special attention to details. Don’t just say newspaper; what is the name of the newspaper? Don’t just say a cup, is it an empty cup? Does it have liquid in it? What is in the cup? How full is it? As you practice this one your mind will automatically remember and pay attention to these things so that you will spend less and less time trying to think about the 3 things in each direction. Your goal is overall awareness.

Lesson 3: Awareness of Others

This is the lesson I remember from Erotic Slavehood. The objective of this lesson is to be more aware of people around you and appreciate them more. We interact with customer service personnel on a daily basis. But how often do you really listen to them when they speak, look at them when they talk to you, use their name if they give it, thank them? I’m betting it’s far less than you realize. In this lesson we will afford them with some interaction.

The next time you are somewhere, use your awareness skills and notice the person’s name tag or if they give their name and use it. Most people will feel a little off about hearing their name, so use it in casual conversation. For example, if you need more to drink and they approach, try saying, “Could I have more water please Sarah?” This is less startling and even welcoming. Always thank them. Even if it’s in drive thru for coffee. Saying thank you can go a long way.

If you work in customer service, start using your customer’s names if you see them. In this situation, the appropriate etiquette is still to use Mr., Mrs. and Ms Bordon instead of first names. This affords them more courtesy and respect than familiar names. When in doubt Sir or Ma’am will do.

What do you think will happen as you start to become more aware of the people around you? Does the world around you change? I bet it shifts to a more happy world.

Lesson 4: Building Awareness

The last lesson I have for you is of your own design. Using the skills you’ve picked up in the previous lessons think of something you want to be able to do for your Dominant. For me it is refilling his drinks, or at least asking if he’d like a refill before he asks for them. To do this I needed to develop my awareness of surroundings and pay more attention to his behavior with his drinks. This will teach me to watch the level of the glass or mug, how quickly he drinks it, how long he waits before requesting a refill and then I can begin to learn to do this myself. For me I have learned he really appreciates that I watch his drink and refill it without being asked to. It’s a small start into the type of service I wish to provide him.

No matter what you choose to do, these lessons will help you go through this world with a bit more consciousness. If you do any of these lessons I’d love it if you stopped back here and let me know how they worked out for you.

The comments are always open.

Image by Koshyk

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Submissive Chat Night: Topic – Expectations and Responsibilities of the Single Submissive

lunaKM — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:00:14 +0000

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 7/20 for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be Expectations and Responsibilities of the Single Submissive. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 7/20/10 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Online Submission

Optional Pre-reading:

Expectations and Responsibilities of the Single Submissive

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

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Exploring Hypnotism

nan {SL} — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 14:00:37 +0000

The idea of hypnotism always frightened me a little. I never thought it was entertaining to watch someone go up on stage and act like a chicken or in some other humiliating way. My Master, however, was intrigued by the idea of using hypnotism in our M/s relationship. I have always felt somewhat self-conscious with role playing and acting out fantasies, so Master thought of hypnotism as a way to relax me and make me feel less self-conscious.

Her Master’s Voice

A great deal of the success of hypnotism for me involves being able to focus on my Master’s voice. The first time we played, I was captivated and controlled by listening to Master speak to me between canings, reassuring and calming me. With much of our training, such as training by phone or training to cum on command, I must focus and listen, so I think that makes it easier to clear my head of other thoughts. It is possible that D/s couples who have some time and experience together may find hypnotism easier to practice, due to the sub’s training to follow commands. Peter Masters, in his book “Look into my Eyes: How To Use Hypnosis To Bring Out The Best In Your Sex Life” writes, “Hypnotising, or allowing yourself to be hypnotised, involves an explicit handover of control”. It is an appropriate tool to use then, in a relationship founded on power exchange! The consent and the willingness of the submissive/ subject is a given, (depending on limits of course) which makes hypnotism much more possible to achieve.

We had not had any sort of training or lessons in hypnosis, but Master had done some reading on the subject. Our most successful experience started with a candle in a darkened room. Master had me sit on the floor in a relaxed position, and focus on the candle and His voice. He spoke of calming things, and repeatedly ordered me in a gentle way to relax, breathe, and focus. One thing I can definitely recommend is NOT to hurry in this stage! The Dom may wonder just how long He has to keep talking about relaxing. Lots of doubts may go through His mind: Is it working? Is this just silly? Has My sub gone to sleep? The only thing I can say is to keep going and don’t cut it short! The longer we spent on this stage, the more successful the reactions were for me. The length of time for each subject will have to be determined by trial and error. I need at least ten minutes of relaxation time, and longer if the day has been hectic.

“Trance Time”

Master watches me as He speaks, and looks for a state where I seem to be almost asleep. For me, the feeling was much like being in subspace. I am very relaxed, totally conscious and aware of my body and what is happening around me. His voice is clearer to me in that state, but I am often unable to respond without enormous effort. At this point, Master will describe what He wishes to achieve. It may be that we will be trying a role play. He will describe the character He wants me to play, the attitudes, and the scenario. We might have gone over the scenario and characters before, so that I am familiar with the scene. This makes it easier for me to understand what He wants, and I can concentrate on feeling, rather than learning.

Please Release Me!

Once the scene is set, Master will slowly talk me back into a ‘normal’ state, whatever that is for me! We will play out our scene and see where it takes us. At the end, Master must ‘release me’. We have found that if He does not do that, I end up feeling like I was pulled out of sub drop too fast. Peter Masters advises that “while you cannot intentionally or accidentally leave them in a trance forever, it is possible to leave them with a headache by rushing through the wake-up, or leave them groggy by not being thorough”. I can attest to that groggy state! Master will stroke me, or get me to focus on His voice, and then tell me how He wants me to feel on ‘waking up’ – usually calm, relaxed, refreshed, or similar feelings. He will count up, and command me to wake up. Now, obviously I was awake before, but this stage definitely seems to satisfy something in my brain, as I feel clearer if He remembers to finish in this slow and calm way.

Uses for Hypnotism

Reading the paragraph above, you might wonder about the scene. There are many options to enhance with hypnotism – role playing, fantasies, release of inhibitions, and simple relaxation to advance training. In one scene, Master hypnotized me, then talked me through a fantasy while I was in a ‘trance’. He has taken me through a fantasy without hypnotism, but I found my reactions during the hypnotized fantasy were stronger and less inhibited. He brought me out of the ‘trance’ once the fantasy was completed.

Another interesting possibility for hypnotism is for the sub to use it on her Dom. In a workshop on hypnotism, they recommended that the sub could hypnotize her Dom to a deeper state of relaxation during a back massage. A wonderful fantasy could be described as the sub pleases her Dom. I have not tried that yet, but I am looking forward to experimenting! If you’ve had any experiences with hypnotism, please share in the comments below.

Reference: Look Into My Eyes. (C) 2008, Peter Masters. ISBN number 1-4404-4986-4. Quotes used with permission of Peter Masters. Check out his website: http://www.peter-masters.com/
Look Into My Eyes is available from www.amazon.com

photo by heyjoewhereyougoinwiththatguninyourhand

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Getting to Know the Local and Not so Local Community

lunaKM — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:00:01 +0000

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 4/10/10

One of the most feared activities of a novice is getting up the nerve to meet other people face to face. Yet this is one of the first things that I and many others recommend for those wishing to get into BDSM. I encourage people to learn all they want behind the comfort of a computer screen but to really taste things as they are, they need to get out and experience it. Talking to other people can not only dispel the fantasies that may have been built in the novices minds but help fortify what they believed all along; they are kinky.

This is a necessary first step for you when you want to do more than read about BDSM. I know the exact moment I reached the point of no return. I knew I’d be leaving the online realm altogether and engage in real experiences. I had an online Dominant at the time and I was really good at asking a lot of questions. I had a blog (no longer around) that I used to figure out what I might like and dislike, what drew me to things and how I felt about finding a Dominant. The night that my online Dominant said that he could no longer help me with my questions, that I needed to get out into the community and really experience kink for myself was a huge turning point. I took it as a new task, a challenge not to be ignored and started searching for groups local to me.

Thankfully I found a few. I joined the message boards, introduced myself and set a date with destiny. I was terrified to meet these strangers for which we had a common bond. What would they think of me, how would they act, what was I getting into? Would I recognize anyone? None of these things stopped me cold. I needed answers and only community was left for me to get those answers.

Walking into the restaurant that first time was scary. Approaching them and seeing all the smiling faces was wonderful. It put me at ease and when I started talking I just couldn’t stop. It was like coming home. I had found my friends.

MEETING THE LOCALS

Will you have the same experience? Probably not. Each community has a differnet feel to it. You may need to try several different groups to find one that meets your needs. There are all sorts of different groups in this country. Some are play focused, others are social groups complete with drinking socials and parties, others are intelectual and hold a lot of discussions and topic themed munches. There is something for everyone. I’m sure that there is some group out there meant just for you.

When getting ready to take that leap of faith, it’s okay to be scared. See if you can meet a leader for coffee before the day of the munch. It could help you calm your nerves when you realize that they are normal people and it definitely will help you the day of the event when you enter the place and there is a familiar face.

TRAVELING

There are some very valid reasons why people aren’t comfortable meeing locals. What if they know someone or see others in the restaurant that will ‘connect’ you with the group you are sitting with? If you still want to get out and meet people in a group setting, consider traveling a distance for your group activity. I’ve heard of people traveling upwards of 4 hours to a meeting to be as anonymous as possible.

This senario just might be easier on new people entering the scene for the first time. You’ve made a weekend of it and traveled a distance to go to a group. You won’t have a chance to recognize anyone, you can choose to not return and the anonymity value is very high.

The most important thing is to get out there.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

There will likely be no play, if that is what you are wondering. First and foremost the meeting is often times in a public place like a restaurant and you will be expected to mind your manners as if you are out with friends for dinner. There will be lots of conversation, from mundane to outlandish. Sometimes you’ll talk fetish and kink topics and sometimes it will be about weather or kids or work. It really doesn’t matter.

No one will be dressed all in leather and the people wearing collars will likely have a public acceptable one. You will not be expected to serve or be served at these meetings. You are just a bunch of people getting together much like any other group that meets for social communion. Sure, you could be invited to a party afterwards, but I’d recommend you decline the first time out; you don’t want to overload your novice brain.

IN THE END

Ultimaly it’s your decision if you want to move further in your learning and experience level. This is THE next step. Take the leap and meet some real people in a nonthreatening atmosphere. What could it harm?

Questions to Ponder

How long did it take you to get out into the local community and meet people? How did your first visits go?
What would you say to someone that is hesitant to go to a meeting?
Why is it emphasized that people get out and meet others?

Further Reading Online

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Being With an Older Dominant

thisgirl — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 14:00:21 +0000

There is a 21 year age difference between myself and my Master . I am 30 and he is 51.

When we met I hadn’t expected we would end up where we are now, which is still together, engaged and very happy!

If I had thought he would be my life partner as well as a play partner then I might have not considered him as a possibility, and I would have lost out on so much!

In the beginning

I had approached him initially as a potential play partner only. I had not considered really where it might lead, since I was involved with someone else and so was he. It was his experience that attracted me and his photographs which showed a few of the scenarios he was able to conduct in his playroom that sparked my imagination.

My need really for varying sensations and a masochist fix was what did it. I feel sort of lowly for admitting it was my physical needs that triggered my interest, rather than my need to obey him or his ability to control me – it makes me feel as though I have times where I am some hungry animal with twisted addictions, but there you are!

I didn’t really figure being his submissive or obeying him or anything into the equation at that time, it really was just about play and about us both having some fun with each other and trying to fulfill some sort of missing gap we both had in our lives.

I didn’t consider it developing into a relationship either, if I had, I would have worried about the age difference and distance between us and it would have possibly made me dismiss the possibility of taking things any further or contacting him at all. I think I was less bothered about the age difference because it was me that chose to reach out and contact him than I would have been if he had contacted me.

The advantages of having an older Dominant

Experience – it’s not necessarily true of every older dominant, but many of them will have lots more experience (and possibly equipment) than a younger man. My Master had already been around over 10 years when we met, so he had his experience to fall back on of what works and what doesn’t. He had a large reppertoire of skills to keep one step ahead of me, which me being me was a handy thing!
Maturity – older men generally are more mature. Men of my age generally are still possibly living at home with their mum or expecting a submissive to be a second mother to them. I want a man I can look up to and respect and who I can make happy, not one that needs everything done for them, not because I’m their submissive and should be serving them, but because they can’t physically look after themselves.
Fitting the role – there is something about having an older dominant that fits my idea of how D/s should be. I’m not saying that it’s right for everyone, but I feel more ‘in my place’, that I am his girl and his toy. I find it easier to respect and trust my elders than my peers who are still very much into getting drunk on a Saturday night and having sex with anything that moves! I like feeling protected by him and looked after. That’s not to say I’m into any sort of Daddy-daughter thing – I’m not. But there is something about having someone to look up to and be controlled by that fits what I need.

The disadvantages of having an older Dominant

Being at different stages of life – having an age gap in a relationship means that you can often be at different stages of life i.e career, family. I have pretty much accepted that we are unlikely to have kids as he has done that already and we are happy with the life we have together without wanting to bring that into it. Though we are going to be getting married soon! There are days when I feel broody and I hope that I might be able to persuade him to start a family with me but ultimately what we share together is what we want and what works for the two of us. But, if you are a young woman this is something you need to consider when starting a relationship – what are your hopes and dreams for your future both vanilla as well as the kink – and are his compatible.
Other peoples’ opinions- whether its a kinky relationship or a non-kinky one some people just don’t ‘get’ the idea of being with someone older. I work alongside people who think an age difference of more than 5 years is obscene and icky or that it means you are unable to attract a man your own age and that they are somehow grooming you into something twisted. Sometimes its hard to change peoples’ preconceptions of this, but close friends and family will be able to tell if you are happy and whether the man you are with seems right for you or not.

To conclude

When entering into any relationship its important to maybe think about where things might go and what direction you want your life to go in . Sometimes though, you just can’t help who you end up falling for and being enslaved to. If that happens, you need to weigh up your feelings and work out for yourselves what direction to go in.

I have found being with my Master works because he is able to share his experience and wisdom with me, but most of all has provided me with a supportive and happy relationship. My first dom was a lot closer to my age and ended up making me very unhappy. I would rather have the experience and love of someone that cares for me regardless of how old they are than going back to that. I get scared sometimes that I might lose him and be on my own for years without the hope of finding anyone who could replace his spot in my heart and without the ability to meet my needs, but then an age gap doesn’t mean necessarily that it will happen that way. Besides, I’d rather have twenty or so special years with him than find someone my own age that might terrorise me for the rest of my life and bring children into the world and be a bad Master, husband and father.

I think the thing i’m trying to say is the hurdles i faced on this subject have long been laid to rest. I’m happy to help anyone else who is in a similar situation, just leave a comment or drop me an email! Remember, its not the opinions of other people that count, as long as a man makes you happy and you both meet each others’ needs and desires thats the only important thing.

Thisgirl is a 30 year old submissive living in the UK and engaged to her Master, Grimly. To contact her visit her blog or by fetlife or e-mail thisgirlsub@yahoo.co.uk

photo of Grimly and thisgirl from her blog

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