Submissive Guide

What I Think about Underage Experimentation and Submission

lunaKM — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 15:00:42 +0000

Another question from March Question Month comes from Coco:

I am curious about what your thoughts on those who admit to participating underage is?

I have been referred to as “vanilla” for being uncomfortable with those who identify/have identified as submissives and slaves at/from a very young age. I can understand experimenting at a young age with the idea of a BDSM relationship, but for those who participate and openly admit to it, it sends up red flags for me. Especially from people who say they have known since middle school (when they are technically still children in the eyes of law). I know I have been into service forever, but I don’t mean that I have always been a submissive because of that.

Since I started Submissive Guide, I have to be honest and say that I’ve had young women ask me for advice. Because of this, I have had to decide exactly how I feel about legally underage people exploring and identifying as submissive. I’ll do my best to share my views about it.

First, let me cover my thoughts sexual exploration and experimentation with BDSM as a teenager. I understand that teens will do whatever they want and if sexual experimentation is one of the things they get into then I can’t stop them from it. But what I can do is emphasize safety; both in sexual barriers and in awareness in the activities that they may try. But I believe I do this for all novice submissives, young and old.

I believe that your sexual preferences are ingrained in you and if you lean towards the kinky pleasures then that is just who you are. So, if a teenager is already learning and experimenting with their sexual desires and finds that they like kink; it’s not going to change their thinking if I believe they shouldn’t be having casual sex or are adamant that they should wait to try kinky things until later in life. The desire can be too strong.

As my goal is to educate people I do not refrain from giving them solid safety advice about what they are participating in and what they need to watch out for. If I don’t provide the information they are asking for two things could happen. They could go elsewhere to get information and hopefully it’s good information or they will experiment without the help and potentially get hurt.

I’m here to prevent that if possible.

Now, as far as teenagers identifying as submissive in a relationship I have a couple hesitations. I don’t believe that teenagers have the maturity to have an intense D/s style relationship where they could identify as submissive. I also don’t believe they have the same style of relationships as what adults are used to. So, it could hinder any of my perceptions of how teenagers feel when the identify as submissive. Does that mean they are intensely submissive and they just learned early on what many of us wish we had? Or are they playing submissive because it’s fun and enjoyable and their boyfriend/girlfriend likes it?

Since I believe that submissive is in identification of who you are I’m certain that you can identify as submissive as early in life as you can identify it and recognize it. How far you take that in life is up to you.

Being underage is a label that society has slapped on what is commonly agreed to be still a child. But anyone with children can say that children sometimes are far more mature than their age. Does this mean they can’t know they are submissive because of the society’s age rules? I don’t think so. Childhood is actually a modern invention. Children were treated as adults from a young age, even dressed as small adults. Having a defined childhood didn’t exist. I don’t believe that childhood is the same duration for everyone. I refuse to judge someone based on age, no matter how young society says they are.

So, hopefully this has helped you understand where I am coming from as far as young people and their decision to identify and experiment with D/s and BDSM. Please feel free to ask me more questions!

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Are You Cheating on Your Dominant With Your Ex Dominant’s Memory?

lunaKM — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:00:46 +0000

This is a question tammy asked for March Question Month:

I have had a few Doms and i am in a relationship where I live with one.I didnt think I could find someone that makes me this happy but I did. The problem is I keep thinking about my first Dom that introduced me into this life. We were together for two months. I feel like I am cheating or something when I think about him but I dont want him. My Dom wants to know what im thinking and i cant tell him. How do I deal with this?

I asked her for more clarification and this is what she said:

Ok He taught me about D/s relattionship and made me realize that I am a sub.I could talk to him about anything. We was looking to move in together.I wonder what and where he is and remember the little things he would say and do.Then i start wishing that I could talk to him.He is in the past but I cant let go but I want to.It has been long enough that I should be over him by now. I dont understand b/c i am happier than I have ever been. This is confusing and frustrating.I talk in my sleep and Im scared that I will say something I shouldnt.

First, I can understand an attachment to your first Dominant. With any relationship there is going to be fond memories of your first. It is okay to reflect on these experiences but it sounds like you are spending too much time thinking about your past experiences.

You need to let go of your past Dominant’s memory. He has no bearing on your life now and you should be focusing on your new budding relationship. But you already realize this or you wouldn’t be asking for help. You may not like what I’m going to suggest, but talk to your Dominant. You need to tell him that you are having problems moving past your old relationship no matter how happy he makes you and ask him if it would be okay to talk to him about your past relationship. Perhaps getting it out in the open will allow you to move on.

It’s unclear how long you were single before moving on to your new Dominant but perhaps you did so too quickly. Everyone takes different amounts of time to work through and say good-bye to old flames. In order to move into your new relationship you must let the past go. The following post I found online is really helpful in learning how to move on from a break up. How to Move On, 10 Steps For Post Break-Up Closure I recommend you give it a look over and try some of the tips there.

I must strongly advise against keeping these thoughts from your Dominant, no matter how painful they may be. Not being fully open and truthful can be harmful to your relationship; especially since you are afraid he will hear something in your sleep that you haven’t shared yet.

Anyone have any advice for tammy?

Photo by Photos8.com

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SubWise #8: Serving in Public – Participation Request

lunaKM — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:00:55 +0000

Its time for SubWise! You know what to do by now. I’m going to give you a topic to write about and your task goes like this:

Write about the topic in your blog or online journal. You don’t have to have a blog to participate. If you have a FetLife account you can use your writing section. Other communities also have journal areas where you can post your response. Examples: MyDungeonSpace, LetMeServe, LifeKink… etc.
Send me an email or use the form below to let me know where to find your post about the topic. I need the URL to the post, not the link to your home page of the blog.
Please repost the list of posts within one week of when they are published on this site.

I’m going to give you one week to write and submit your response. The topic carnival will be published on March 19th so all submissions should be received by March 18th at midnight CDT. Please feel free to let your friends know about this carnival. The more people that participate the better!

Okay so the topic you will be writing about is:

Serving in Public: Whether it’s at work or a sit down restaurant, how do you disguise or enhance your service so that it flies under the radar of the everyday folks we interact with?

Submit Your Post!

Send me an email using the form below to submit your blog post to SubWise #8.

[contact-form]

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Teach Yourself Belly Dancing Using YouTube

lunaKM — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:00:35 +0000

As a part of my work to improve myself and make my submission fun and exciting always I am constantly searching for things I can add to my service that my Owner would love to see or have me do.

One of these is today’s focus. Belly Dancing. I’m certain that pole dancing, burlesque and stripping will be a furthering of my dancing skills. Let’s face it, I’m not a dancer. I don’t have the body of a belly dancer (unless BELLY is the key word) and I’m a klutz. I’m not graceful no matter how hard I try and my lumbering body makes sensual play almost impossible. But that doesn’t stop me and it will never stop him from asking for me to learn more seductive ways to tease him.

Today I’d like to share the playlist I’ve made on the subguide channel that has a lot of wonderful belly dancing moves that you can learn yourself. And it’s a workout, no doubt about that. So, come, let’s enjoy some belly dancing today!

How to Stretch for Belly Dancing

How to Breath for Belly Dancing

Figure 8 Move with Hip

Basic ‘n’ Move with Hip

Bicycle Hips

Hip Drop Kick

Basic Twists: Single Twist with Weight Shift

Basic Twists: Double Drill

Advanced Traveling Transition

Facial Expressions while Dancing

Posture for Dancing

Belly Dancing Clothing

How to Dance with Veils

Veiled Belly Dancing Routines

How to Wear a Hip Scarf

Putting Moves Together to Form a Dance

Cool-Down

photo by Chilli Photograph

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A Collar by Any Other Name…

Rayne — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:00:25 +0000

This month is March Question Month, and Trinity asked:

Does one know how to obtain collars that do not look like collars..so one can be worn at all time with out so called vanilla’s asking about it…?

When people think of collars, they usually picture something an animal would wear. Supple leather with a big buckle, or canvas with plastic clips, or thick steel held closed with a padlock. A choke chain, or a training collar that pokes when drawn tight. With spikes, or bells, or d-rings to attach a lead to. But the fact of the matter is, anything can be a collar.

I once had a friend who tied a pretty lavender ribbon around her neck, and that was her collar. Another friend of mine wears a simple chain with a lock pendant from Tiffany & Co. inscribed with her owner’s name on the back. One of my friends wears a chain with a bell on it. One of the boys I used to know wore a gold chain with his owner’s initials. Yet another had a necklace set with his owner that said something like “Yours always”.

My first collar…

Master has a lady friend online from Israel who He’s known longer than I’ve known He even existed. Before I met M, on a trip to visit her family (She lives in the states, now, but some of her family still lives in Israel.), she bought M a silver necklace with a hamsa pendant on it to bring Him luck. Even she, a woman He’d only ever conversed with on the internet, knew that if it weren’t for bad luck, my owner would have no luck.

He almost never wore the necklace. Usually, He carried it in His pocket, or swung it around His fingers. The latter when He was worried about something or trying to concentrate. We had to replace the chain shortly after I met Him because He wore it out. Then one day, His housemate’s son and I talked Him into letting us hold it. I put it on my neck, and it became my collar when I asked Him to own me. I’m only without it when the chain breaks.

I also wear an Eternity Collar. It’s a hinged steel circle that locks with an allen wrench and screw. Some people can’t pull such a collar off as just a choker they wear, but I seem to do all right. I wear it everywhere. Even to work, when I have a job outside of the home, which is rare. It only comes off when we’re flying, or for medical procedures.

People ask me about it from time to time, and I’m careful who I tell the truth. You have to be in this area. Some people will call the police. In New York, consent is not a defense, and the district attorney can bring charges without the “victim’s” consent or cooperation, if they feel the need. I’m not willing to risk M’s freedom for my right to be open about who I am.

Browse around. Take a look at some of the sites Luna linked to in her post “Where to Buy Collars Online“, and see if you can’t find something suitable. Some even do custom work. Or head to your nearest jewelry store and pick out a necklace that means something to both of you.

But bottom line? What it is doesn’t have to be blatantly obvious to even the kink community. All that matters is that the two of you know what it symbolizes.

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Diffuse Extreme Mood Swings Before They Get You In Trouble

lunaKM — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:00:46 +0000

For March Question Month Cilla Noir asks:

How do you handle your serious mood swings or when something just “sets you off”?

When you go from one end of the spectrum to another – sometimes justified, sometimes not.

Normally, when i was on my own, i would just throw a fit.

Being back in a D/s relationship – that is not acceptable behavior and it’s a hard thing to start overcoming.

I admit to sometimes being a drama queen in relation to my moodswing – not something i’m proud of – and being back into a D/s relationship i need to nip that in the bud ASAP.

Suggestions?

Advice?

Dealing with extreme mood swings is a challenge. It’s not uncommon for people to let their emotions take control of their behavior but for the submissive constantly endeavoring to improve themselves this is not an option. Learning to diffuse your emotions is, in my opinion, a very important tool to have.

Like any stressful situation, a mood swing can be released in the same way. Follow the next few steps when you feel that your emotions are getting the better of you.

1. Breathe. When your emotions take control of your body you experience physical changes that help increase your reaction to the situation. Your pulse quickens, your temperature may go up and you take more shallow quick breaths. Stop for a moment and focus on your breathing. Feel you body relax and return to normal before moving on to the next step.

2. Take a time out. The reason you are upset will still be there so try to step away and calm yourself before thinking about what just set you off.

3. If you can’t take a time out, count to ten. It seems childish at first, but once you realize the effects it has on your body and mind you won’t take it for granted.

4. Write about it. Open up a journal and write about what has upset you. It doesn’t have to make sense. Feel free to ramble, scribble and vent. No one will see this anyhow, it’s just there to diffuse your dramatic behavior that would normally occur.

5. Investigate why you may be having such extreme mood swings. Some things that can cause mood swings are high levels of simple carbohydrates in your diet. Cut down on the white bread, processed foods and sugar. Exercise helps reduce stress which means you’d have a lower chance of flying off the handle. Sleep deprivation also increases your chances for mood swings.

Further Reading

How to Handle Mood Swings

How to Cope with Extreme Mood Swings

How to Deal with Mood Swings

Deal With Your Own Mood Swings

Anger and Mood Swings

Do you have other suggestions to help Cilla Noir? Let me know how you’d handle mood swings in the comments!

photo by JChetan

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Submissive Chat Night 3/9/10 8PM CST – Free Chat

lunaKM — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:00:21 +0000

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 3/9 for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be free chat. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 3/9/10 8 PM CDT – 9:30 PM CDT

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat

How to get to the Chat Room

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

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Review: The Submissive Activity Book

lunaKM — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:00:36 +0000

In January I had a poll in the sidebar asking readers like you what books you’d like to see me review for Submissive Guide. The overwhelming response was that you wanted me to review The Submissive Activity Book: Building Blocks To Better Service by Shannon Reilly. I received the 184 page book without expectations of what I would find within its pages. No one has yet reviewed it on Amazon.

Flipping quickly through it’s pages it is first and foremost a workbook. There are pages and pages of forms for you to fill out to improve and learn the skills she puts forth in the book. According to Shannon the book was written for submissives not currently engaged in a D/s relationship that are looking to establish a structure in their lives that a Dominant normally would do. It is built to help the submissive learn and improve skills that a potential Dominant might desire.

The book is broken up into sections with activities towards different goals. From establishing a personal protocol with rewards and punishments, goal-setting, schedule making and planning, learning new skills and furthering education as well as budgeting and learning personal finance. The book’s second half has helpers for the submissive in understanding their wants and needs, how to negotiate and establishing limits.

Before each activity form there is a summary of what the activity is supposed to do for you and how it might help you grow. They are well thought out, but leave a lot to self exploration. The number of copies of each workbook activity are sometimes excessive in my opinion and the author encourages the purchase of her companion book to get more blank copies of the forms. In today’s technology age, I would have rather had one copy of each activity page; I can always make copies if necessary. I don’t think the companion book is really needed at all.

My favorite activity section is the personal protocol. Shannon describes this section as a way to feel accountable for your actions even if you aren’t in a relationship. She walks you through behaviors you would want to encourage and discourage as well as a punishment and reward system that you manage yourself to keep your new behaviors in check. For those submissives with a real desire to control and change their lives this is a valuable section.

I dislike the wasted pages that are used for a calendar. While I can understand that the section is about planning and scheduling, I would rather encourage the submissive to get a schedule book that is small enough to carry around with them in their handbag or shoulder bag. This way the activity wouldn’t involve either carrying the book everywhere or tearing out the pages. Again this would be a good place to encourage them to make copies of the pages they desire to use instead of giving them an entire year’s worth of calendar pages.

Honestly though, this book is very much in keeping with the purpose of this website and I’d recommend it for those of you who want to experience structure and start working towards your perfect self without a Dominant. You will then be able to enter into a relationship with more preparedness and your personal value may be higher.

Go get this book today!

Product Details

luna’s Rating: 8/10
Paperback: 184 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace (February 22, 2008)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1440470499
ISBN-13: 978-1440470493
Product Dimensions: 9.9 x 8 x 0.6 inches

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March is Question Month

lunaKM — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 15:00:44 +0000

As so many bloggers are known to do, I am opening up this site for your questions… even the personal ones. March is the month known in a small sphere as Question Month!

If you have a question about submission, your own struggles or anything to do with BDSM this is your chance. I’ll also take personal questions about myself and you can ask questions directed at my new contributors as well. I’ll take questions until March 30th. You can post a comment on this post or email me via the form at the top of the site. I will not use your name unless you allow me to.

This should be an interesting experience. Please feel free to ask me (or Rayne, nan{SL},mrsK) anything.

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Regaining Submissive Mind-Space Through Ritual

nan {SL} — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:00:22 +0000

Many submissives have jobs where they are managers, business owners, or in charge in some way or another. Sometimes it can be difficult to re-enter your submissive head-space at the end of a busy work day. A sub can use rituals in order to help her achieve the right mind-apace, leaving the outside world behind and re-gaining the D/s world.

Using Rituals

What is a ritual? A ritual is usually a specific set of actions that one performs for a chosen reason. As Wikipedia states:

The purposes of rituals are varied; with religious obligations or ideals, satisfaction of spiritual or emotional needs of the practitioners, strengthening of social bonds, social and moral education, demonstration of respect or submission, stating one’s affiliation, obtaining social acceptance or approval for some event — or, sometimes, just for the pleasure of the ritual itself. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritual)

A ritual to enter a submissive head-space can be a combination of all of these purposes. You may be strengthening your bonds with your Dom by doing actions He ordered, or strengthening your identification with your submissive side through performance of a task that you would not normally do. You can demonstrate respect to your Dom as you take time out of your day to prepare yourself for Him. Not least of all you can give yourself the pleasure of getting away from the outside world and entering a place which gives you the comfort and satisfaction that you find as a submissive.

Portals and Preparations

It may be helpful to view your front door as a portal into the D/s world. You and your Dom/me can create a special ritual that starts right at the door. One submissive told me her Dom meets her at the door when she gets home from work. She kneels before him and hands over her keys and wallet. The removal of these objects takes away her ‘business’ persona, and makes her a subject of her Dom.

If your house is warm enough and private enough, a removal of clothes or a change of clothes (to something sexy, not your big flannel jammies) will complete the transition to submissive head-space.

If your Dom/me is not home to greet you, preparation rituals can put you in a submissive mind space. A basic shower after work can be used as a cleansing ritual to receive your Dom/me while washing away the business persona. Closer attention to intimate shaving, using scented soaps or perfumes, applying make-up – all these can be used as rituals for submission. If I am not going to see my Dom for a while, I may spend extra time plucking eyebrows or dabbing on perfume, just to be able to feel the centering power of submission after a busy day.

If you normally use make-up and perfumes, save a particular brand or style to use only when you are in submissive mode. My Dom encouraged me to start painting my toenails during sandal weather as a reminder of my submission, but when I am going to visit Him I apply a brighter colour.

Nadu

If your Dom/me comes to visit your home, or comes home later than you, it may be centering to assume a ritualistic position just before He gets there. The Gorean position of Nadu (“pagar nadu”) is particularly apt for this. The basic position is to sit on your heels, back and shoulders straight, chest out and stomach in. You keep your head up, but eyes downcast. Spread your thighs and rest your hands on them with your palms facing up. I believe that for Goreans, this position is often taken by a pleasure slave. It is easy to feel submissive in this pose, and it is a beautiful way to greet one’s Master.

The Ultimate Ritual

The most important method for me of regaining the submissive mindset is through the collar. If you don’t wear a collar everyday, you can have your Dom/me fit a collar around your neck when you come home. If you can’t show a regular collar due to family or other reasons, your Dom can find a collar that can be mistaken for a necklace. You will know the significance, but it can pass as ‘vanilla’.

I wear a chain collar everyday, which is made from a necklace. When I am feeling tense, or just to reconnect, I reach up and touch the collar. I feel the connection to my submission, and can continue what I am doing in a more grounded fashion. I also have a dress leather collar which I put on before an event. Once the collar is on, I am firmly in submissive mode as I can clearly feel the restriction around my neck.

These are just some of the many ways that a submissive can re-enter the D/s world after a day out in the business/ work world. Do you have any other ways that you use to regain your submissive mind space?

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