Submissive Guide

A Collar by Any Other Name…

Rayne — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:00:25 +0000

This month is March Question Month, and Trinity asked:

Does one know how to obtain collars that do not look like collars..so one can be worn at all time with out so called vanilla’s asking about it…?

When people think of collars, they usually picture something an animal would wear. Supple leather with a big buckle, or canvas with plastic clips, or thick steel held closed with a padlock. A choke chain, or a training collar that pokes when drawn tight. With spikes, or bells, or d-rings to attach a lead to. But the fact of the matter is, anything can be a collar.

I once had a friend who tied a pretty lavender ribbon around her neck, and that was her collar. Another friend of mine wears a simple chain with a lock pendant from Tiffany & Co. inscribed with her owner’s name on the back. One of my friends wears a chain with a bell on it. One of the boys I used to know wore a gold chain with his owner’s initials. Yet another had a necklace set with his owner that said something like “Yours always”.

My first collar…

Master has a lady friend online from Israel who He’s known longer than I’ve known He even existed. Before I met M, on a trip to visit her family (She lives in the states, now, but some of her family still lives in Israel.), she bought M a silver necklace with a hamsa pendant on it to bring Him luck. Even she, a woman He’d only ever conversed with on the internet, knew that if it weren’t for bad luck, my owner would have no luck.

He almost never wore the necklace. Usually, He carried it in His pocket, or swung it around His fingers. The latter when He was worried about something or trying to concentrate. We had to replace the chain shortly after I met Him because He wore it out. Then one day, His housemate’s son and I talked Him into letting us hold it. I put it on my neck, and it became my collar when I asked Him to own me. I’m only without it when the chain breaks.

I also wear an Eternity Collar. It’s a hinged steel circle that locks with an allen wrench and screw. Some people can’t pull such a collar off as just a choker they wear, but I seem to do all right. I wear it everywhere. Even to work, when I have a job outside of the home, which is rare. It only comes off when we’re flying, or for medical procedures.

People ask me about it from time to time, and I’m careful who I tell the truth. You have to be in this area. Some people will call the police. In New York, consent is not a defense, and the district attorney can bring charges without the “victim’s” consent or cooperation, if they feel the need. I’m not willing to risk M’s freedom for my right to be open about who I am.

Browse around. Take a look at some of the sites Luna linked to in her post “Where to Buy Collars Online“, and see if you can’t find something suitable. Some even do custom work. Or head to your nearest jewelry store and pick out a necklace that means something to both of you.

But bottom line? What it is doesn’t have to be blatantly obvious to even the kink community. All that matters is that the two of you know what it symbolizes.

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Diffuse Extreme Mood Swings Before They Get You In Trouble

lunaKM — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:00:46 +0000

For March Question Month Cilla Noir asks:

How do you handle your serious mood swings or when something just “sets you off”?

When you go from one end of the spectrum to another – sometimes justified, sometimes not.

Normally, when i was on my own, i would just throw a fit.

Being back in a D/s relationship – that is not acceptable behavior and it’s a hard thing to start overcoming.

I admit to sometimes being a drama queen in relation to my moodswing – not something i’m proud of – and being back into a D/s relationship i need to nip that in the bud ASAP.

Suggestions?

Advice?

Dealing with extreme mood swings is a challenge. It’s not uncommon for people to let their emotions take control of their behavior but for the submissive constantly endeavoring to improve themselves this is not an option. Learning to diffuse your emotions is, in my opinion, a very important tool to have.

Like any stressful situation, a mood swing can be released in the same way. Follow the next few steps when you feel that your emotions are getting the better of you.

1. Breathe. When your emotions take control of your body you experience physical changes that help increase your reaction to the situation. Your pulse quickens, your temperature may go up and you take more shallow quick breaths. Stop for a moment and focus on your breathing. Feel you body relax and return to normal before moving on to the next step.

2. Take a time out. The reason you are upset will still be there so try to step away and calm yourself before thinking about what just set you off.

3. If you can’t take a time out, count to ten. It seems childish at first, but once you realize the effects it has on your body and mind you won’t take it for granted.

4. Write about it. Open up a journal and write about what has upset you. It doesn’t have to make sense. Feel free to ramble, scribble and vent. No one will see this anyhow, it’s just there to diffuse your dramatic behavior that would normally occur.

5. Investigate why you may be having such extreme mood swings. Some things that can cause mood swings are high levels of simple carbohydrates in your diet. Cut down on the white bread, processed foods and sugar. Exercise helps reduce stress which means you’d have a lower chance of flying off the handle. Sleep deprivation also increases your chances for mood swings.

Further Reading

How to Handle Mood Swings

How to Cope with Extreme Mood Swings

How to Deal with Mood Swings

Deal With Your Own Mood Swings

Anger and Mood Swings

Do you have other suggestions to help Cilla Noir? Let me know how you’d handle mood swings in the comments!

photo by JChetan

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Submissive Chat Night 3/9/10 8PM CST – Free Chat

lunaKM — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:00:21 +0000

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 3/9 for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be free chat. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 3/9/10 8 PM CDT – 9:30 PM CDT

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat

How to get to the Chat Room

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

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Review: The Submissive Activity Book

lunaKM — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 15:00:36 +0000

In January I had a poll in the sidebar asking readers like you what books you’d like to see me review for Submissive Guide. The overwhelming response was that you wanted me to review The Submissive Activity Book: Building Blocks To Better Service by Shannon Reilly. I received the 184 page book without expectations of what I would find within its pages. No one has yet reviewed it on Amazon.

Flipping quickly through it’s pages it is first and foremost a workbook. There are pages and pages of forms for you to fill out to improve and learn the skills she puts forth in the book. According to Shannon the book was written for submissives not currently engaged in a D/s relationship that are looking to establish a structure in their lives that a Dominant normally would do. It is built to help the submissive learn and improve skills that a potential Dominant might desire.

The book is broken up into sections with activities towards different goals. From establishing a personal protocol with rewards and punishments, goal-setting, schedule making and planning, learning new skills and furthering education as well as budgeting and learning personal finance. The book’s second half has helpers for the submissive in understanding their wants and needs, how to negotiate and establishing limits.

Before each activity form there is a summary of what the activity is supposed to do for you and how it might help you grow. They are well thought out, but leave a lot to self exploration. The number of copies of each workbook activity are sometimes excessive in my opinion and the author encourages the purchase of her companion book to get more blank copies of the forms. In today’s technology age, I would have rather had one copy of each activity page; I can always make copies if necessary. I don’t think the companion book is really needed at all.

My favorite activity section is the personal protocol. Shannon describes this section as a way to feel accountable for your actions even if you aren’t in a relationship. She walks you through behaviors you would want to encourage and discourage as well as a punishment and reward system that you manage yourself to keep your new behaviors in check. For those submissives with a real desire to control and change their lives this is a valuable section.

I dislike the wasted pages that are used for a calendar. While I can understand that the section is about planning and scheduling, I would rather encourage the submissive to get a schedule book that is small enough to carry around with them in their handbag or shoulder bag. This way the activity wouldn’t involve either carrying the book everywhere or tearing out the pages. Again this would be a good place to encourage them to make copies of the pages they desire to use instead of giving them an entire year’s worth of calendar pages.

Honestly though, this book is very much in keeping with the purpose of this website and I’d recommend it for those of you who want to experience structure and start working towards your perfect self without a Dominant. You will then be able to enter into a relationship with more preparedness and your personal value may be higher.

Go get this book today!

Product Details

luna’s Rating: 8/10
Paperback: 184 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace (February 22, 2008)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1440470499
ISBN-13: 978-1440470493
Product Dimensions: 9.9 x 8 x 0.6 inches

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March is Question Month

lunaKM — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 15:00:44 +0000

As so many bloggers are known to do, I am opening up this site for your questions… even the personal ones. March is the month known in a small sphere as Question Month!

If you have a question about submission, your own struggles or anything to do with BDSM this is your chance. I’ll also take personal questions about myself and you can ask questions directed at my new contributors as well. I’ll take questions until March 30th. You can post a comment on this post or email me via the form at the top of the site. I will not use your name unless you allow me to.

This should be an interesting experience. Please feel free to ask me (or Rayne, nan{SL},mrsK) anything.

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Regaining Submissive Mind-Space Through Ritual

nan {SL} — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 15:00:22 +0000

Many submissives have jobs where they are managers, business owners, or in charge in some way or another. Sometimes it can be difficult to re-enter your submissive head-space at the end of a busy work day. A sub can use rituals in order to help her achieve the right mind-apace, leaving the outside world behind and re-gaining the D/s world.

Using Rituals

What is a ritual? A ritual is usually a specific set of actions that one performs for a chosen reason. As Wikipedia states:

The purposes of rituals are varied; with religious obligations or ideals, satisfaction of spiritual or emotional needs of the practitioners, strengthening of social bonds, social and moral education, demonstration of respect or submission, stating one’s affiliation, obtaining social acceptance or approval for some event — or, sometimes, just for the pleasure of the ritual itself. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritual)

A ritual to enter a submissive head-space can be a combination of all of these purposes. You may be strengthening your bonds with your Dom by doing actions He ordered, or strengthening your identification with your submissive side through performance of a task that you would not normally do. You can demonstrate respect to your Dom as you take time out of your day to prepare yourself for Him. Not least of all you can give yourself the pleasure of getting away from the outside world and entering a place which gives you the comfort and satisfaction that you find as a submissive.

Portals and Preparations

It may be helpful to view your front door as a portal into the D/s world. You and your Dom/me can create a special ritual that starts right at the door. One submissive told me her Dom meets her at the door when she gets home from work. She kneels before him and hands over her keys and wallet. The removal of these objects takes away her ‘business’ persona, and makes her a subject of her Dom.

If your house is warm enough and private enough, a removal of clothes or a change of clothes (to something sexy, not your big flannel jammies) will complete the transition to submissive head-space.

If your Dom/me is not home to greet you, preparation rituals can put you in a submissive mind space. A basic shower after work can be used as a cleansing ritual to receive your Dom/me while washing away the business persona. Closer attention to intimate shaving, using scented soaps or perfumes, applying make-up – all these can be used as rituals for submission. If I am not going to see my Dom for a while, I may spend extra time plucking eyebrows or dabbing on perfume, just to be able to feel the centering power of submission after a busy day.

If you normally use make-up and perfumes, save a particular brand or style to use only when you are in submissive mode. My Dom encouraged me to start painting my toenails during sandal weather as a reminder of my submission, but when I am going to visit Him I apply a brighter colour.

Nadu

If your Dom/me comes to visit your home, or comes home later than you, it may be centering to assume a ritualistic position just before He gets there. The Gorean position of Nadu (“pagar nadu”) is particularly apt for this. The basic position is to sit on your heels, back and shoulders straight, chest out and stomach in. You keep your head up, but eyes downcast. Spread your thighs and rest your hands on them with your palms facing up. I believe that for Goreans, this position is often taken by a pleasure slave. It is easy to feel submissive in this pose, and it is a beautiful way to greet one’s Master.

The Ultimate Ritual

The most important method for me of regaining the submissive mindset is through the collar. If you don’t wear a collar everyday, you can have your Dom/me fit a collar around your neck when you come home. If you can’t show a regular collar due to family or other reasons, your Dom can find a collar that can be mistaken for a necklace. You will know the significance, but it can pass as ‘vanilla’.

I wear a chain collar everyday, which is made from a necklace. When I am feeling tense, or just to reconnect, I reach up and touch the collar. I feel the connection to my submission, and can continue what I am doing in a more grounded fashion. I also have a dress leather collar which I put on before an event. Once the collar is on, I am firmly in submissive mode as I can clearly feel the restriction around my neck.

These are just some of the many ways that a submissive can re-enter the D/s world after a day out in the business/ work world. Do you have any other ways that you use to regain your submissive mind space?

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Check out e[lust] #8

lunaKM — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:00:28 +0000

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #9? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape – The very basic principle that we hold so dear in BDSM play, “Nothing without consent” seems to stand in stark contrast to a very common form of play, “Rape Play”.

Half-Full – When I get my ass beaten, is it as much for the sensation as it is for the “Good girl…I knew you could take that for me.” that I want so badly at the close of the scene?

House Party Part 2 -His wife walked by at one point and he cryptically asked her to “do what she did to so-and-so earlier”. His wife disappeared behind me, but I felt her hands touching me and his cock as it entered me.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Backseat Orgasms - We kissed lightly and without focus, both a sensual act and maddening at the same time. More, I needed more. In a blur I was on my knees on the seat, straddling his leg, his mouth latched onto one nipple and his fingers hunting for the key to undoing my dress pants.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Are You Watching Me? – A plan of devious proportions begins to form. Before this is over with, I will have forced you into a corner…forced you to act…forced you to give ME what I want.

See also: Pleasurists #64 and 65 for all your sex toy review needs.

Erotic Writing

A story of FL
Contemplation
Cuddling
Floor Exercises
Good day for a milking
Goodbye
G-Spot Orgasms Galore – Part 2
Initiation
Logan
Mark. Confession #423
Mouth
Nothing says I love you quite like…
Playful and Dangerous
Play your part
Plotter
Splish Splash
The Library Hotel
The Secret I Couldn’t Keep
Triple X
Three A.M. Surprise

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Anatomy of Desire (PT. Two)
Better Cautious Than Raped
Lingerie Tales Vol 1 An Obsession Begins
My life as a gamer’s slave
Perplexed
Saturday Texting
So Simple
The Elusive Female Orgasm
The G Spot Mouse or How To Make A Woman Squirt
Transtastic: On Language

Kink & Fetish

A No Limits Slave?
Are Discipline and Punishment The Same?
BDSM Advice Series: Pet Play
Bondage 101—Part 1: Bondage Basics
Breaking the Demons
Dark/DirtyBlog Crush
Factory Doll
Hand vs. toys
I’m on a book cover: ‘The Punishment List’ by Abel
Kink
Men as sex objects
Rough Porn
Raleigh and La Fortress
Savouring the texture of my skin with his teeth
The Way They Look At Me
The Slut Chronicles #13 ~ The Auction
Whither the spankosphere?

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Happy Valentines Day!
Hookers, Catholic School Students and Facebook
Lane Bryant Makes Puppies and Kittens Cry
Pussy Cosmetics and Vagina Myths

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Novice Q&A – February Edition

lunaKM — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:00:23 +0000

Novice Q & A is for you to ask questions about things you’d like more information on, advice you are looking for or anything else. You can even ask me personal questions! My inbox is always open so you can send me questions whenever they occur. Last month I answered questions about appropriate greetings and topping from the bottom in new relationships, if you’d like to take a look, head on over to January’s Edition of the Q&A.

Question:

“I am starting to make friends in the community and enjoy going to the munches, but the idea of actually trying anything terrifies me. I went to a play party last night to observe and really didn’t see anything that interested me. I was asked a few times what I wanted to try and I honestly could not give them an answer. After I left the party and all day today I felt like I want to run for the hills.

“I just don’t know what to do, something interests me enough that I walked through the doors of the munch, but now I’m too scared to try to figure out what it is I want. For weeks I have had this image of myself holding an apple (as in the forbidden fruit) trying to decide “do I take a bite or not” and now the image has shifted to the apple is on the other side of this great wall (I can only image the wall if my fear) and I’m trying to figure out if I want to climb over or not.”

My Response:

Being a novice submissive and fearful of that first step is common. Let me tell you what I think based on your short missive to me.

You may not be SM inclined. Most play parties are all about the flesh and intense sensation. Perhaps what drew you to BDSM and the fact that you like munches is actually the submissive/service aspect. You may be more attracted to the idea of a Dominant man/woman and providing them with an atmosphere of service and comfort. Now these are just guesses, but if you feel the sensation to run away and hide after seeing the physical aspects that some people engage in, perhaps that’s just not for you.

Or, you aren’t ready to experience the physical side of things. That’s okay too. Most people need to feel comfortable with someone before they would let them sit next to them, let alone see them partially (completely) naked and do kinky/sensual things to them. Take a deep breath, you aren’t alone.

I recommend you continue to explore yourself, attend the munches and become familiar with ALL of the things that BDSM can provide you. I’m certain that you will find what attracted you in the first place and the light bulb will go off. Trust me. The wall you experienced is fear and easy to break down with knowledge. Ask questions, seek guidance and learn. You have all the time in the world to take a bite of the apple.

Question:

I am enrolled in is a sociocultural anthropology course on culture and emotion. As part of my program we have to explore an emotion or set of emotions specific to a particular culture. I would like to explore the emotions related to sub-frenzy/sub-fever. I know that by objectively examining the different experiences of others, I will A) get a better grasp and understanding of my own emotions, and B) should this paper and its research ever be published it would be a helpful resource for others. What I am seeking is some help, either interviews with people or just their own emotonal experiences with this topic. All information would be used in the most respectful manner and I would ethically be responsible for maintaining protective measures for all people who provide information or personal experences on the event/emotion.

My Response:

This question actually goes out to you the readers of Submissive Guide. An article on Sub Frenzy can be found here if you need to have the term defined. If you are interested in helping Valerie with her research, you can reach her at vjones@ucsd.edu.

[contact-form]

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Introducing…mrs. K

mrsK — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:00:38 +0000

Greetings fellow Submissive Guide readers!

I find it very difficult to write an introductory passage about myself. I’ve been a member of FetLife for a year and have yet to even start writing the “About Me” section of my profile. With that said, I guess it makes sense to start at the beginning. My name is mrs. K, and I am owned and collared by my wonderful husband of 15 years, Mr. K. We’ve been exploring BDSM for about three years. A snippet from my entry for an essay contest for a lifestyle event explains how we discovered we were kinky:

BDSM is so new to me. About a year ago, my husband and I were watching “Talk Sex” and a woman called up asking a question about a problem she was having with her Master. I remember turning to my husband and asking, “Her Master? What kind of mess is this?” He just shrugged and kept watching the show. Well, apparently it was the kind of mess I wanted to get into. I got the answer to my question and then some.

You see, some weeks later I was reading an erotic novel that included D/s elements and light bondage. I was surprised to find that it intrigued me–it did more than that–it turned me on. I had never even considered this type of thing before and wasn’t really sure how to process it. I definitely wasn’t certain how my husband would respond to my newfound interest. I tried to keep it from him, and that lasted about eight hours. I showed him the book and asked him if he was up to the challenge. I’m here to report that he has taken to his new role suspiciously well. Apparently, he’s been a closet Dom all these years…D/s fits us to a “T” and we are quite comfortable with it. It is not a lifestyle I think our friends and family would understand, but it’s working for us.

What a difference a year makes! Since then, our power exchange dynamic has slowly transformed into an M/s commitment. In July 2009, Mr. K accepted my petition to become His slave.

Master is still formulating His protocols and household rules for me. We’re taking it slowly, and simply enjoying the journey. At this point, the M/s structure in Mr. K’s household is rather straight-forward. While we co-parent our two children and I have primary responsibility for my business, in all other matters He’s the boss. Master may request my opinion or input on a given matter, but His word is final.

As far as the SM side of things, we’ve been having a freaky-fun time. It still surprises me that for someone who displayed no outward interest in causing me physical pain in all the years I’ve known Him, that my husband has taken such an avid interest in spanking, flogging, pressure point play…well you get the picture. I also enjoy pampering Mr. K with special dinners, pedicures and massages and am always on the lookout for new service ideas.

I’m honestly not sure what type of topics I’ll be writing about. Likely it will be the things that I am working on, such as balancing submission with work and family and avoiding “wife-speak,” or other issues that might resonate with fellow s-types. I’m really excited about this and hope that my posts will provide good reading and an avenue for dialogue. If anyone has questions or comments, feel free to contact me either through FetLife, or through the comments section of Submissive Guide.

Best regards,

mrs. K

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SubWise #7 – Romance

lunaKM — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 15:00:23 +0000

Last week I asked you to talk all about romance in D/s relationships. Here are the submissions I received. There is some excellent thoughts here folks! Check it out. Make sure you leave comments!

(Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.)

pet’s journey

thisgirl’s weblog

The conversation isn’t over. If you would like to share your thoughts, please do so in the comments!

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