Submissive Guide

The Abuse Debate: A Matter of Acceptance Not Consent

Guest Author — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:00:38 +0000

This is a guest post by Darkrose.

BDSM relationships make the argument on abuse much more complicated than it already is, and those in TPE relationship have an even harder time than that. For non-kinky people its pretty easy to define abuse.

Webster’s Dictionary defines abuse as “improper use or handling, misuse, physical maltreatment,insulting or coarse language;To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.”

Most of us in the the BDSM world would take that definition and say, “but I like that stuff”. How do you define abuse if the way the dictionary defines it just does not apply to you?

In most of our relationships some, if not all, of these things happen on a regular basis. Personally I’m rather fond of being molested and mishandled and its difficult for me to remember a time I didn’t need some sort of “insulting or coarse language” to even get in the mood to begin with. I absolutely love name calling and otherwise not very nice talk.

A lot of people in the lifestyle tend to define abuse by rather or not there was consent to whatever awful thing was going on at the time. Consent is vital in any type of power exchange relationship, but I think that a lot of people don’t really think that through completely. How many people really want to get hit with that particular awful, terrible, horrible, frightening, painful thing that you know just about every top on the planet has at least one of? How many of us would happily break said awful thing or at least hide it if we didn’t know for a fact they’d just find something even worse to hit us with and they’d make it suck ten times worse to be us for breaking/hiding the original thing? How many of us will fight and struggle and squirm and beg and plead anytime there is even a passing mention of said hitty thing? Do we really in our heart of little slave hearts consent to being hit by it or do they have to make damn sure we are properly restrained and gagged before they can hit us with it? Do we maybe hate them just a little while they are hitting us? I’d say most of us have probably experienced this at least once or twice.

Thats why I don’t really think consent is the way to tell if your relationship is abusive. I might kick and scream and try my hardest to get away at times but the fact is some of us just really like the struggle. We need to be overpowered, we need to know that our partner is bigger, stronger, faster, meaner, and will keep us in our place.

I believe that acceptance is a much better way to judge especially if you’re like me. If you are looking at becoming involved in this type of relationship ask yourself these things; are you as the bottom (s-type, slave, sub) willing to accept that sometimes your partner is going to do things to you that you will not want, you will not enjoy, and you will probably often hate? Are you willing to accept that his desires are going to come first and sometimes its going to suck to be you just because he wants it that way?

Now I’m not saying the bottom doesn’t have any rights, or that she should go play in traffic just because it amuses her top. Everyone involved should be mature enough and smart enough to realize that if you send your bottom out to play in traffic for your amusement she is likely to be hit by a car thus making her far less entertaining and useful.

When you choose a partner for this type of relationship you need to have a little common sense and stop for a moment and think with your head instead of your sex drive. Assessing the risks of a potential partner before you give them carte-blanche to do whatever they want could save you from a lot of heartache.

The parties involved need to sit down before they enter into a relationship and have a long discussion about what is acceptable behavior from both sides, what limits each person has and how they will deal with things that may come up that could cause discord in the relationship. I believe that in any relationship you need to be able to have open honest communication between all parties involved but in the case of a BDSM relationship it is even more important.

Both partners need to realize that relationships are fluid and always changing. There may be times when one or both partners, in their journey together find something that they didn’t know they couldn’t live without or couldn’t live with and they need to be able to sit down and have an honest and sincere discussion about how they can move forward together not just at the beginning of the relationship but at any time through out the relationship as well.

In total power exchange relationships a safe word may or may not be in place. Not everyone feels they need one. The important thing if you’re going play without a safe word is to make sure that your top is competent and not a complete ass so you can feel safe not having ‘a way out’ There are risks involved in this type of relationship. The fact is if you give your partner the freedom to do whatever they want you need to be sure you can live with them taking the responsibility for your health and safety.

Limits and boundaries tend to evolve over time as you grow in the relationship and as an individual. It is important to always be willing to grow, change and explore new things. Consent can only be given when something is known and understood. In a total power exchange your partner may have the right try something new without discussing it with you before hand. If you hate it ask your self if you can accept it because it is something that your partner wants.

Darkrose is a 25 year old owned 24/7 submissive who is working towards TPE with her owner. She’s a stay at home slave with almost ten years experience in the lifestyle. You can find her on FetLife as Darkrose8519

lunaKM says: Do you agree with Darkrose? What do you think about what she says about acceptance?

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Submissive Chat Night – Free Chat

lunaKM — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:00:03 +0000

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday 9/7 for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be free chat. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 9/7/10 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.mibbit.com
Port: 6667
Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Submitting to Pain

nan {SL} — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:00:35 +0000

BDSM immediately conjures up images of a whip-wielding Dominatrix punishing some poor submissive who is screaming in pain. As delightful as that image is, not everyone who is a bottom or submissive is in this lifestyle to experience pain. It must be daunting for the newbie who does not enjoy pain to come to a munch or party and be faced with the question “What are you into?” The newbie who likes sensual play or enjoys service may feel that s/he is not quite living up to the expectations of the lifestyle.

Dom/mes and tops who enjoy pain have an equally difficult time. I have met several Dom/mes who enjoy a round of pain inflicted by their trained subs/ bottoms. Others in the community may look askance on this seemingly unDomlike behaviour. But if the Dom/me is getting what S/He wants, through obedience, then what could be more Domlike? Pain can be an enjoyable sensation, and why should a Dom/me not be able to experience what S/He wishes?

But what if you are a submissive or bottom who ends up with a Dom/me who is more Sadistic than you are Masochistic? My Dom always seems to me to be one step ahead of me in the S/m curve. The more pain that I learn to endure, the more pain He seems to be able to inflict. In a way this is a good thing, as we continue to travel a mutually enjoyable path. I have learned some methods to deal with pain in order to maintain and hopefully increase my Dom’s pleasure in a scene. My Dom is quick to tell me that as long as I am giving Him all I have, then it doesn’t matter how much pain I handle. However it is a matter of pride for me to handle most of what He gives me, and to keep learning to handle more. I never forget my colours though, and I am willing to call yellow if the pain exceeds what I can endure. After all, if the toy (that’s me) breaks during a scene, then it will affect future scenes, and that is not in the best interest of either of us.

The first method I use to endure pain is training in eroticizing pain. This is training my Master has done with me for the five years and more that we have been together. When we are enjoying sensual play, my Master will mix in some pain – clitoral stimulation at the same time as pinching nipples, spanks interspersed with orgasms, basically anything sexual and erotic to mix in the sensual response with the response to pain. As long as we are doing sensual play, He makes sure that the pain aspect is not too much for me to handle. Thus I learn to associate pain with pleasure. A Dom/me who tries this must be sure not to use too much pain, and not to increase the pain too fast. S/He must remember to give enough stimulation to override the pain. Eroticizing pain is based on two basic theories: the brain will always choose pleasure over pain, and basic Pavlovian conditioning of association. I do remember reading in a blog where one sub stated that she was never able to eroticize pain, but if a Dom/me works slowly and carefully and doesn’t push limits, it does seem to work for many.

There are other ways to deal with the pain during a scene. I am often able to work the pain through my body. As the pain increases, I will stomp a heel in reaction. Somehow moving this energy through my body and out seems to decrease or disperse the pain. One book (unfortunately I can’t find the quote currently) said that under no circumstances is the sub/slave to use this method as it takes away the pain so that the Dom/me is not getting a full reaction. Obviously I disagree with this opinion. I am still enduring the pain, and my Dom is getting satisfaction from my reaction. Occasionally however, if my Dom feels particularly Nasty, He will tie my leg so that I am not able to stomp. Usually that occurs if I have been flaunting the fact that I can take more pain than He has given me.

You can also use a form of biofeedback to try to limit the pain. When I have a migraine I use this method to visualize the migraine inside a box, so that it doesn’t spread and become bigger. You can also visualize the pain/ strike zone as a colour, or heat, or light in order to isolate and limit the pain. I must admit that I have not had much success in biofeedback during a scene. I tend to be too excited or too caught up in the scene to take that much control of my brain. Perhaps a bottom would have more success in this than a submissive who is trained to hand over all control to the Dom/me.

During a scene, I also have to trust my Dom to help me manage the pain He inflicts. A warm-up is a necessity; although it is something we occasionally forget when it has been too long between play sessions and we are too eager to begin. Without a warm-up, my favourite single tail can quickly reduce me to tears. Once my Dom notices, or I call His attention to it, He pulls back the intensity until it feels like a stingy massage, so that I can start again to work up to handle the pain He wishes to dish out. If you start with a warm-up, your skin will get used to the pain in stages, and you will be able to handle much more intensity as the night goes on. My Dom often ends a scene with a full baseball swing of a flogger at my ass. If He started the night with this, I would end up ‘done’ before we even start. With proper warm-up and slowly increasing intensity throughout the play session, I will greet the baseball swing with a laugh and a wiggle as if it was just a feather touch – albeit one that shifted my whole body a foot to take it!

Even with a careful warm-up, you will find that your reaction to pain may well vary depending on the day you’ve had, your hormones, or even the temperature in the room. In the past few months, I have found that I have not been able to handle the amount of pain I used to handle “easily”. The play rooms have been warmer each time, and I have been through an emotional time. Hormonal changes occur, and your body may be more or less sensitive than the last time you played. It is important to be open with Your Dom/me (whether or not you are 24/7) and let Him or Her know what is going on in your life and with your body. And if you can’t handle the same pain, no worries, as long as you are giving what you can you will still make your Dom/me proud.

I am proud of my ability to handle the pain my Master wishes to dish out. I admit to being on the masochistic side, as it was easy for me to eroticize pain. Indeed, it is a part of our intimate lives that I particularly enjoy from Him. However, with all that, I am quite firm in the belief that I am not a ‘pain slut’. In a group play session, I found that I was not willing or able to submit to pain inflicted on me by Dom/mes other than my own. I give that masochistic part of me to my Master alone, as part of my service to Him.

Do you have methods of dealing with the pain inflicted in a play session? How have you eroticized pain? Please send any hints or suggestions to the comments below!

Review: Domestic Discipline

lunaKM — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 18:00:22 +0000

This month’s book review is about a different form of relationship structure than the traditional D/s that you read about on practically every site and book you browse. Domestic Discipline by Jules Markham is about creating harmony in your relationship through the use of consensual discipline. The basic form of discipline preferred by Domestic Discipline (DD) practitioners is spanking but has also been known to use enemas as part of the program.

In the first few chapters you will get an introduction to DD as well as what makes it different from BDSM, begin to learn about emotional cycles and what the psychological process of DD does to a relationship when used correctly. I really enjoyed learning how our emotional cycles generate the positive and negative behaviors that we see in each other and ourselves. I also thought that DD has a good premise for how spanking and discipline helps manage the emotional cycle and promotes longer positive behaviors in the cycle and less negative ones.

With every Domestic Discipline relationship there is consensual spanking for two reasons. There is punishment spanking and therapeutic spanking. The former is for correcting negative behavior and infractions or rule breaking. Therapeutic spanking can help the passive partner to move past a negative side of their emotional cycle faster and can help with working through emotions of any type.

The middle of the book covers spanking and non-spanking punishment. It talks about discipline being broken down into 4 phases and depending on the severity of the behavior will carry a 1,2, 3 or 4 phase punishment. In between each phase is a corner time imposed to rest the skin to keep it sensitive and not go numb (many submissives may know what leatherbutt is… the breaks in punishment help prevent that) but also for the passive partner to reflect on the discipline being received.

Enemas are also covered pretty well as an addition or substitute for discipline, especially if the passive partner gets sexually excited by spanking. After all, discipline in a DD relationship isn’t supposed to be pleasurable.

I’d recommend this book for anyone interested in a relationship where one person is in charge and the other is passive but don’t want all the trappings of BDSM and kinky behaviors expressed elsewhere. Domestic discipline when done correctly can be very rewarding and bring that harmony to your relationship that you may be looking for.

Product Details

lunaKM’s Rating: 8/10
Paperback: 184 pages
Publisher: Adlibbed Ltd (May 22, 2007)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 189731244X
ISBN-13: 978-1897312445
Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.4 x 0.5 inches
Buy Domestic Discipline Now!

Using Contracts in D/s Relationships

lunaKM — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:00:41 +0000

Contracts are a sticky subject in discussions. I’ve briefly covered it before in this article. The opinions are all over the place as far as their value or use as a tool for relationships. I can understand why they are a common thread in forums all over the place.

A contract is a physical document outlining the D/s relationship. At the bottom of this post I’ll share an example contract that you can use to customize your own. A contract is not a legally binding document, but more of an agreement between two consenting individuals. Some are very formal and have multiple pages, others are as brief as a few paragraphs. A D/s contract is a lot like a pre-nuptial agreement.

The Arguments

One side of the argument says that a contract helps make the expectations for each party clear cut, the time frame it is agreed upon is understood and it can be renewed and modified to fit the couple as they grow together. The contract can be used to remind each other of the importance your new relationship has and a way to reconnect with the agreed upon terms.

The other side of the argument says that contracts are worthless and the two individuals involved need to be serious about the relationship without the need of a contract. If the relationship is failing a contract is just not going to resurrect it. This side also says that if the contract is discovered by the authorities you can be charged with prostitution and solicitation or worse. It has happened before, just check the news archives.

General Outline

Petition
Names and Roles of Parties
Term of Service
Rules, Duties, and Goals
Limits
Termination Requirements
Signature of all Parties

An Example Contract

(This D/s contract, can be altered to suit one’s needs both virtual and realtime situations. It is not a legal binding document but adds to the strength of one’s relationship. It is written in the male Dominant/female submissive role, but can be easily changed.)

I, [submissive], with a free mind and an open heart; do request of [Dominant], that he accept the submission of my will unto him and to take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him the use of my time, talents, and abilities.

Further, I ask, in sincere humility, that as my Master, he accept the keeping of my body for the fulfillment and enhancement of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs. To achieve this, he may have unfettered use of my body any time, any place, in front of anyone; to keep or give away, as he will determine.

I ask that he guide me in any sexual, sensual, or scene-related behavior, both together with, and separate from him, in such a way as to further my growth as a person.

I request of [Dominant], as my Master, that he use the power in his role; to mold and shape me; assisting me to grow in strength, character, confidence, and being, and that he continue to help me develop my artistic and intellectual abilities.

In return, I agree:

To obey his commands to the best of my ability.
To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve him and limit my growth as his submissive.
To maintain honest and open communications with him.
To reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment.
To inform him of my wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the sole judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied.
To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectationsand goals.
To work with him to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual.
To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and will in no way diminish my own responsibilites toward making use of my potential.

This I, [submissive] do entreat, with lucidity and the realization of what this means, both stated and implied, in the conviction that this offer will be understood in the spirit of faith, caring, esteem, and devotion in which it is given.

Should either of us find that our aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement. We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and lovers. Upon cancellation, each of us agrees to offer to the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openingly and lovingly.

This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of our relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consensual Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health andhappiness, and improving both our lives.

This contract has a life of ___ (days/weeks/months/years). At it’s expiration a new contract may be created and signed.

I offer my consent to submission to [Dominant],under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of ____________ in the year _____.
______________________________
signature of submissive
I offer my acceptance of submission by ____________, under the terms stated above on this the _____ day of ____________ in the year _____.
______________________________
Signature of Dominant

Other Resources Online

Sample Consensual Contract

Using Contracts to Negotiate a Relationship

Novice Q&A – August Edition

lunaKM — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:00:22 +0000

Q: I am a relatively new submissive. I have had two previous D/s relationships. One was ended suddenly – just a week or so after being given a collar, he suddenly disappeared from my life with no explanation. I have since realised that the collar came without any understandings or pre-requisites should have been a warning sign! With my latter Sir, it was a timing issue for both of us – an international contract for him, major surgery for me.

I am now seeking a new Sir/Master. I am trying to be careful and cautious but not sure how to do so. I have been asked for my ‘expectations from a D/s relationship and what it would mean to me’ as well as list of expectations from my next Dom! Without a previous Dom, how do i answer this! And he is asking me to outline my expectations from a D/s relationship, but I haven’t got a clue! Any advice you can offer?

A: It can be very overwhelming to try and figure out what to expect from a relationship that you’ve never had. What made you seek a Dominant to begin with? You can learn a lot about what you expect by understanding that drive to be in D/s to begin with. Learn about yourself and those desires.

You should start by figuring out what your wants and needs are in any relationship. Your expectations will develop out of knowing what you need from someone else in a relationship. I’d recommend you read the series here on Submissive Guide and pinpoint those things first.

Once you know what you need, you can start understanding what you expect from a Dom. For example, if one of your needs is structure, you can say that you expect a Dominant to establish an order to things. This could mean a routine or specific ways things are required to be done.

Figuring these things out is never an easy process but it really can make finding a mate so much easier because you have learned what you need from someone else and how you hope a relationship will be like.

Q:I have been interested in having a D/s relationship for as long as Ihave been sexually active. Up until now, that has only been explored in small quantities and I enjoyed it so much it solidified my desires to seek out a Master. However, I am still relatively young (twenty years-old) and suddenly the Master of my dreams has fallen into my lap. I thought that having a total power exchange relationship would be a seamless transition for me, but there keep being internal issues which I did not anticipate at all. I suppose I was expecting to have to look for years before I found someone like Him. He is ten years older than I am and much more experienced. Some of the problems I am experiencing are feeling panic and anxiety when He requests something I’m just not comfortable with yet, knowing where the line is between letting Him know that I’m just not ready to take a certain step without being outright disobedient, and knowing how to balance focusing on His desires/wants and knowing that my needs will still be taken care of. We haven’t made any formal commitment and the relationship is still relatively new but it feels like what I know that I want intellectually is in direct opposition with what my instincts are. I’m wondering if I should be concerned if if the transition is usually this difficult. I’m someone who chooses to be submissive, I’m not submissive because I have to be. I just worry that that means I’m not cut out for it.

A (By @SehAnru): Your situation is very common especially when first getting involved in any D/s relationship regardless of how old you are. The first thing that you need to do is take a deep breath and try to calm the anxiety welling up inside.

It is our submissive nature to want to give everything, including trust, in order to not lose what has been found (A Master), but then the ego steps in and creates all kinds of chaos. That is where the doubt comes in. The best way to resolve these issues is communication. You need to talk to your Master about either a manner of doing so (Blog, email, letter etc.), or a time that you can speak freely (7pm nightly after dinner, 6am before breakfast etc.), and make sure that it is clear that this time is for you to be able to speak freely without consequence. Now, don’t mistake this to mean that you can be out of control and disrespectful as that would not be a good idea.

As far as being uncomfortable in the moment, speak up, but do it respectfully. This is the reason why there are safe words, why there are contracts that are specific on what you are and are not willing to do (At that moment. Allow for growth). One suggestion I can make in which I have personally used when put in an uncomfortable situation is to say,” Sir(Master, MiLord, or whatever title has been agreed upon.)With all due respect, may I please take a moment to gather myself as I am feeling uneasy in this situation and need a moment so that I may be able to communicate why this is so.” This allows you to let him know that you are uncomfortable in a respectful manner.

Transition or change is never easy especially when you come to realize how in-depth this kind of change can be. It is truly mind, body, and spirit. Give yourself time to understand what is being asked of you. Ask questions, write out your feelings, and again, be honest with yourself concerning your limitations. Are they for selfish reasons, or are they genuine concerns? What this comes down to, again, is trust which is earned and takes time.

Everyone is different and there is no shame in realizing that you may not be compatible with someone. But when it does work, it’s magic. So stop, think, and communicate.

[contact-form]

The Female of the Species

thisgirl — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:00:37 +0000

I am bi-sexual, and I have been ever since I can remember.

When I was young I obviously didn’t know the way I felt were the first signs of bi-curiosity because the roots of things are never clear back at the time and only make sense much later on!

My first experiences

Not long after I had met my ex Dom he had asked what my feelings towards playing with other girls were, since (funnily enough) the idea of two girls playing with each other floated his boat. Fortunately for me I had always been curious but hadn’t acted on my feelings beforehand. Until about 10 years ago I was very sheltered and hadn’t had very many partners or anything like that. I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 20 and just the thought of acting on what I thought were unusual feelings scared me a little but of course totally turned me on!

Around the time I discovered what BDSM was (via chat rooms and the Internet) I had been talking to a Dom-sub couple of about my age. I had seen pictures of the female half of the couple and was very attracted to her. I’d been talking to them a year or so and had moved in with my ex Dom when he suggested we invite them up to go to a fetish club with us and then see what happens after that. I’m not sure I can really explain how nervous I was about the thought of meeting this woman that I had fantasised about for so many months. Anyway, they came.

We took them to the local fetish club as planned, and she was wearing a beautiful white corset, pink skirt and white shoes. This is how much I fancied her that I can remember more or less every detail as though she was standing here. Though I don’t remember much about me! The resident bondage expert insisted on tying us together, which in my head just felt totally bizarre since I hadn’t even kissed her yet, and there she was…pressed right up against me. We had loads of those sort of little moments where…someone needs to make the first move but is maybe slightly embarrassed…or unsure…well you know those moments before the first kiss. So we didn’t kiss at the club as it turned out. But back later at the flat the play continued and I finally got to kiss her. It was amazing, so gentle and so perfect and worth waiting for and was definitely me convinced that I was bi-sexual.

We didn’t have sex. Not the first time, and I’m glad about that since I think ‘doing it’ on the first meeting is wrong. I want to know that I am into the person enough to want it, and that they’re into me!

I had quite a few other experiences after that, and for a good while whenever I did stuff with girls it was just ‘playful exploration’ rather than D/s. However gradually I experienced D/s with women too.

Serving Dominant Women

Whilst I would sometimes put myself under the ‘switch heading’, I’ve always been more submissive than dominant, I’m just wired that way and, after realising i liked playing with women I really wanted to know what it was like to serve one.

My first chance came when one of the Mistresses that I knew invited me to her place. She had asked specifically that I wear a dress and nice lingerie, stockings and heels. I went over there totally nervous!

When i got there she wasn’t there but had left me a note asking me to undress down to just my lingerie and kneel in the hall waiting for her. She’d also left me a blindfold which she’d wanted me to put on. I am not really sure how long i was kneeling for her with her watching, until she came up to me and bent down and caressed me, kissed me, and led me into the living room. Since I couldn’t see, everything felt enhanced and extremely magnified and erotic.

She kept me blindfolded most of the time, teasing me with clamps and bondage and putting me over her whipping bench and hitting me. After beating me into submission, she lead me over to the sofa and had me wait for her. She came back wearing her strap-on and taught me how to pleasure her. It was very tender, loving and romantic.

It totally met up with the fantasy of how I thought being submissive to a woman would be.

Though women can be strict and sadistic as well! Maybe this is because they know each others’ bodies better, they know where everything is and how hurting it or teasing it will feel.

This girl has had some amazing experiences at the hands of other women, but not so much recently since I’ve ended up with Grimly they seem not to want to come close! Also, his skills in dominating me would be hard to beat. There are some women out there that i think could match him in his skills as a Dom but they are mostly likely to be way out of my league!

Me as a dominant

Since I’ve been with Grimly I’ve not had very many opportunities to be dominant with other people since I enjoy what I do as his submissive way too much! However, I have had the chances here and there.

When I am in control of someone else I try and be like that mistress was with me. Or i’d like to think I am. To me D/s with another woman should be gentle and romantic but with the ability to transform into the strict and severe.

It’s very important to me know that any sub I play with feels safe and cared for. But at the same time, I want them to feel on the very edge and feel as though their fantasies are met.

The problem is, whenever I dominate someone (on a regular basis anyway) I always get too attached – that’s the danger – of falling in love, and things getting complicated. So I really would only recommend involving other girls in a very very stable relationship .

How this fits with being submissive to a man?

Some Doms do have the fantasy of their submissive being involved with other women, regardless of whether it’s in a sub or domme role.

I have come across Doms who have asked me to get involved with their sub when I’ve known full well that the sub in question has not been really keen on it and still has hurdles to cross in feeling comfortable with the idea. Therefore, I do not have much time for Doms that insist on forced bi or on women who are trying to get over their limit of ‘playing with women’.

Maybe its just me but I have this need to feel wanted and desired. I have that with Grimly , but if i play with others I want them to make me feel like that too. Not because it is a requirement of their man that they do it.

I dont ever want to feel I’m’ involved in someone being forced into a bdsm act that they are not entirely comfortable with and to me forced bi is exactly that. You are either bi sexual (or maybe curious) or you’re not. Whilst I can see someone wanting to do it to please their man, I think what often gets missed is the feelings of the third person you are asking to get involved.

I suppose all I’m saying is that playing with other girls can be great, but it works the best when everyone wants it to happen. Not just 2 out of the 3. I think there needs to be attraction too, in whatever form it takes whether its physical or something else or that added x factor. For me I enjoy it the most when I play with someone who I consider a friend and who I am comfortable with, so I think my advice for anyone wanting to explore this is that its best to find a good friend first and see where it goes if an attraction develops just like any other relationship.

photo by historic.brussels

Friday Favorites from Submissive Viewpoints

lunaKM — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 14:00:02 +0000

Every so often I find some wonderful blog posts that speak to the varying differences submissives have. Today I want to showcase a few of the more recent selections with you. Please go read the post and comment; letting them know where you came from! You might make a new submissive connection.

a submissive musings – Slave Realities
Her little girl – Belonging
Life of a kajira – Submissive
doubleknot’s ruminations – 24/7
Puppy Tales – Understanding Submission

If you would like to be considered for a future list, please send me an email with a link to your blog (subguide@gmail.com) so that I can get it added to my reader and keep up with all that you have to say.

The Popularity of BDSM

lunaKM — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 14:00:29 +0000

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2/6/10

(Caveat: I am not an expert historian of BDSM. What I have learned I picked up along the way. I can’t say with certainty what is true and what is false. I have made every effort to let you know if I’m uncertain of the validity of a certain claim.)

If your only view of BDSM is the online community then you could believe that BDSM and being kinky is a huge playground and that a lot of people participate in it openly. And you’d be wrong. While a a good portion of the US population admits they are kinky (10% according to NCSF) most of those are not going to participate in a BDSM community or step further than silk blindfolds and light bondage.

Today’s community is filled to the brim with people who only play at it online or those not serious enough about it to take it further than their fantasies. But that’s today. What was BDSM like in the past?

BDSM OF YESTERDAY

If you wanted to get into BDSM years ago you had to know someone already in the community. Groups were very hidden, mostly underground, and very selective about who they let into their group. They did this to protect themselves from riddicule and infiltration by police and right wing religious groups. In fact the more open nature of the groups is a new thing.

Most of the BDSM being played out then was done behind closed doors. It was secret and it was never talked about. Until 1997 the Board for Psychiatric Disorders considered sadomasochism as an illness.

TODAY’S BDSM

Today BDSM is accurately and falsely represented in the media which no doubt causes some confusion and bad interpretation of what we do behind closed doors. No matter where you turn there are ‘bondage’ fashions on the runway, light kinky play items in the sex stores and flirty jokes at bachelor(ette) parties.

Munch groups are more open with their presence online and it is no longer invitation only. I’ve seen the purpose of these groups shift from teaching technical skills to teaching acceptance.

Online BDSM has flourished and you can find all sorts of research material, forums and discussion groups and inspirational photography. If you look hard. Much of what is out there has developed a fantasy-like feel to it. It contains dangerously false details on technique or outright lies about the history of the BDSM scene.

The fantasy is alive and well online. Real time practitioners have to wade through the muck to find the information that will fit their needs. The good thing is that you can find excellent information if you know where to look.

IMPACT OF THE INTERNET

I’ve mentioned it above just a bit but the internet has flooded the scene with good and bad information. It not only provides a breeding ground for false information and fantasy-life but it also brings more novices into the scene.

These novices can safely explore their feelings and curiosities online. From reading personal blogs, checking out reference sites, reading forums and discussion boards and frequenting chat rooms.

You can learn as much as you want from the comfort of your own home and feel relatively safe that your secret desires are just that… secret.

THE FUTURE OF BDSM

There is no telling what the future holds for acceptance of BDSM or the groups that exist all over the world. What is possible is more available books, products and learning materials for those wanting to explore kinky play and relationships.

Thoughts to Ponder

What do you know about the history of BDSM?
How did you first find out about BDSM?
What impact has the internet had on your exposure to BDSM?
Where do you think BDSM acceptance will be in the future?

[tip]

Links to Related Essays

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Green Recipes for Home and Health

SehAnru — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 14:00:59 +0000

These days there are so many chemicals out on the market that we don’t really know what kind of damage they can do to our bodies most importantly, as well as our clothes, furniture and so on. One of the biggest causes of health problems is allergic reactions to these chemicals. It’s time to get back to nature and here is a little help to get started. Recipes were gathered from various resources on the internet and personal collection.

Shopping List for Natural Cleaning Supplies:

Baking Soda, Bicarbonate of Soda, Sodium Bicarbonate
Beeswax – Turns formulas into pastes for shining and waxing.
Bon Ami Cleaning Powder – contains only soap and ground feldspar and is safe for your home.
Borax, Sodium Bromate – Loosens dirt and stains while removing odors.
Cedar Chips
Chalk
Clay Powder – Very mild abrasive. Good to use with essential oils for powdered cleaning formulas.
Club Soda
Containers, various sizes made out of glass and/or plastic.
Cotton and hemp cleaning cloths.
Cotton mops with wooden handles.
Essential Oils: (These are some of the most commonly used.)
- ~ Eucalyptus Oil – Disinfects.
- ~ Lavender Oil – Disinfects. Calming.
- ~ Lemon, Orange, Grapefruit Oils – Degreasers
- ~ Lime Oil – Degreaser, and general cleaner.
- ~ Pine Oil – Disinfects, degreaser.
- ~ Tea Tree Oils – Disinfects. Effective against bacteria.
- ~ White Cedar Oil – Disinfects. Uplifting scent.
Kitty Litter
Lanolin – Natural oil extracted from wool that restores the the natural sheen of some fibers. It also can act as a water repellant.
Lemon, Lime, or Grapefruit Juice – Antibacterial, acidic, and smell great.
Natural sponges.
Olive & Carnauba Oils – Wood cleaners.
Pineapple
Potato
Pumice – Ground volcanic rock. Abrasive.
Pure Unscented Bulk Castile Soap
Spray Bottle
Whisk broom with natural bristles.
White Vinegar – Choose one that is made from grains, like Heinz vinegar. Many others are made from non-renewable petroleum alcohols.
Wooden broom handle with grass bottom.
Yeast

Additional items will be needed for the health and beauty recipes.

Remedy for indigestion: One half cup of cold water, a Tbs of Apple Cider Vinegar, and a half tsp of baking soda. Combine the water and vinegar and then slowly add in the baking soda. If you are not careful it can foam over so watch it. You can blow on it in order to reduce the foam. You will be amazed at how quickly this works. No more need to buy tons of antacids.

Soft hand soak and scrub for your Dominant: Microwave or oven-warm a small bowl of olive oil. Have them relax and soak their hands. Add some granulated sugar and scrub away the extra layer of dry skin

For Dry Skin: Avocado & Honey Face Mask :
You will need:
2 tablespoons of avocado
2 tablespoons honey
1 egg yolk
To form this anti aging skin care face mask, put all the ingredients in a blender, or mash by hand in a bowl. Use your fingers to spread the mask over your face and neck and leave it on for at least 30 minutes, preferably longer, before removing.

For Dry Skin: Honey and Egg Mask
You will need:
1 tablespoon honey
1 egg yolk
1/2 teaspoon almond oil
1 tablespoon yogurt
Put all ingredients into a large bowl and stir until it becomes sticky and thick. Apply the mask to your face for 5 minutes and wash face thoroughly with a mild facial soap. Honey stimulates and smoothes, egg and almond oil penetrate and moisturize, and yogurt refines and tightens pores.

For Tired Skin: Almond Yogurt Honey Mask :
You will need:
6oz plain yogurt
¼oz finely-crushed almonds
2tsp honey
2tsp wheat germ oil
Mix all the ingredients into a smooth paste. Apply and massage the mixture into skin. Keep the mask on for 20 minutes.

For Normal Skin: Apple Honey Mask
You will need:
1 Apple, cored & quartered
2 Tablespoons Honey
Drop the apple pieces into a food processor and chop. Add honey and refrigerate for 10 minutes. Pat the mixture onto your face with a light tapping motion, tapping until the honey feels tacky. Leave it on for 30 minutes and then rinse.

For Oily Skin: Honey-Papaya Mask
You will need:
1/3-cup cocoa
3 teaspoons of heavy cream
1/3-cup ripe papaya
1/4-cup honey and three teaspoons of oatmeal powder
Mix and apply on your face. After 10 minutes, wash your face with warm water. This helps heal skin blemishes, nourishes, draws out impurities, balances your skin pH, and will leave your skin radiant and soft.

Here are some natural recipes that you can use for cleaning:

Silver Polish: For every quart of boiling water, you add 1Tbs of baking soda and 1Tbs of iodized salt, keep the water at a rolling boil and then add a piece of aluminum foil big enough to cover the pot. This will go into the water and then you will place the silver you wish to get the tarnish off of on top of the tin foil. Let the ingredients do their work for a minute or two. You should see foaming, if not you will need to add a little more baking soda. After that, safely take out the silver and begin rubbing the silver with a soft cloth in small circles in order to get the residue from the salt and soda off of the silver. It is just that easy. Granted, some silver is more stubborn than others, so it may take a little more elbow grease, but this is also non toxic which is much better than the chemicals used in common cleaners.

Furniture Polish: Mix 1 cup lemon juice with 1 tbsp olive oil and 1 tbsp water; lightly apply to furniture using a soft cloth. Let sit for a couple of minutes, then buff.

Tile and Grout Paste: 1 cup water and 3 cups baking soda mixed into a paste works great for cleaning tile and grout. Use a toothbrush to scrub the paste into grout.

No Streak Glass Cleaner: Combine 1/4 cup undiluted white vinegar, 1 tbsp cornstarch, and 1 quart warm water. Divide into spray bottles. For a lint-free shine, wipe dry with a sheet of crumpled newspaper or a coffee filter.

Scratches in Wood floors or furniture: Hide wood scratches by rubbing them with the meat of a walnut.

Oil stains on clothes: Get some white chalk and rub it into the stain. The chalk will absorb the oil and come right out.

Cleaning and Polishing Stainless Steel: Baking soda and water for cleaning and mineral oil for shining.

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