I was all psyched to do a review of KFC’s Double Down. I  walked into the KFC on Melbourne’s Bourke St like a kid on Christmas morning.

- ‘I’d like a Double Down thanks’.
- ‘Sorry we are no longer doing the Double Down’.
- ‘Fuck’.

So I’d missed out on the Holy Grail (bacon, two different kinds of melted cheese, the Colonel’s ‘secret’ sauce… pinched in between two pieces of Original Recipe chicken fillets). Nevermind, there were plenty of other jewel-encrusted goblets to pilfer on that fine Melbourne afternoon.

Sure enough, just across the road awaited Hungry Jacks’ Thor Whopper of the Gods burger. You might be wondering ‘why is Burger King called Hungry Jacks in Australia?

I’ll tell you.

In Australia, ‘Burger King’ was already trademarked by a takeaway food shop in Adelaide. Presumably, some magnificent cantankerous old bastard in his grime-encrusted apron refused to cave and flipped a grease-spattered bird from behind his counter.

Advertising for the Thor had been impressive: ‘Double beef, double cheese and a heavenly layer of bacon, topped with a divine smokey sauce. It’s an all powerful whopper with a mighty flavour’.

Really, it’s just a regular double whopper with bacon and an extra bit of cheese. But what the hell, I got screwed on the Double Down so here goes…

Pros

• I hadn’t eaten all day. It filled the gap. And some.
• 3 sparrows had flown inside and were frolicking on the table next to mine like a delightful Disney animation.
• The bacon actually did improve the whopper. But what, besides kosher catering, doesn’t tasty bacon improve?

Cons

• It was steamy. The immensity of the filling overpowered the puny buns and rendered them damp and ineffectual. I should probably have immediately unwrapped the burger and let it air out a bit.
• Didn’t notice the extra cheese, this should actually be a ‘pro’.

In conclusion, really just a whopper with an extra bit of piggy goodness. Whatever.

Reader, rate Thor Whopper of the Gods (otherwise known as The Ultimate Double Whopper and The Extreme Whopper w/ Cheese):

With the passing of America’s most wanted, it is clearly now time to conduct the official Osama Bin Laden review.

How does he stack up as a supervillain? Would the Joker and Doctor Doom dismiss Bin Laden as a rank amateur or sit up and take a few notes?

Strengths

• Beard – Superior length, full-body, and distinguished grey streaks gave Bin Laden a certain supervillain dignity. Shortly after Bin Laden’s death, White House spokesperson Jay Carney said that during the raid Osama’s face, like a cowardly little bitch, tried to use his beard as a shield. Carney retracted this comment the following day.
• Delegation – When it came to getting his henchmen to do the really dirty work, i.e. kill themselves, no one could hold a candle to Osama.
  - Osama: “I’ve got a really big job lads.”
  - Henchman #1: “Nice one boss, who do you want as second in command on the ground?”
  - Osama: “Ummm… I might just oversee this one from back here in ‘Stan. Tricky logistics. You know how it is…”
• Virility. He fathered as many as 26 children. During the raid when one of his sons was killed, Osama was overheard to remark “plenty more where that came from biattttccches!”
• Height and agility. At 6’4″ Osama could have had a stellar career as a beach volleyball superstar. Moreover, if you shaved his beard and noggin, stuck him in some tatty saffron shorts, trained him in Yoga-based limb stretchiness and fire-based attacks, Bin Laden would have been a spitting image for Dhalsim from Street Fighter 2. Not many people spot this resemblance because they lack my awesomeness.
• Rich folks.  Osama’s old man Mohammed bin Laden had a company worth more than US$5 billion. Why put your pop’s money into helping the world when you can use it to bring down Superman, erm the West. Lex Luthor would be proud.

Weaknesses

• Fine Living. Osama Bin Laden was shot to death in a million-dollar three-story mansion in Abbottabad. Spurting blood from his chest wound, and before the fatal head shot, Bin Laden was heard to utter “Oh! Not on the Persian you stupid infidel cuuuuunnn…”
• Young boys. History has shown time and time again that it’s the religious zealots who rail against immorality, particularly of the butty variety, who are most prone to be taking it up the pulpit (see Ted Haggard). In 2002 Bin Laden called on Americans to “reject the immoral acts of fornication, homosexuality, intoxicants, gambling, and usury”. You can bet that as he drafted this letter he was snorting coke through a Benjamin from the ass-crack of a Jewish tranny in the penthouse of Casino Lisboa in Macau.

Overall Bin Laden was a pretty effective villain with the killings, carnage and the reign of terror and what have you. A fairly limp-dick ending but fitting for an uberbaddie.

Reader, rate Osama Bin Laden: