Having your current girlfriend and ex together in the same room is not as awkward as most people think.I’m not sure why it’s so unpleasant for most people, but I think a lot of it has to do with the depth of the relationships, the personality and characteristics of the women and the luck factor of the person linking them together. In this instance, that individual would be me.

The first time they met it was like they already knew each other for a long time. They had known of each other for quite some time, even talked on the phone two or three times over the past 6 years, but neither knew what to expect of the other. It was clear that they had a lot in common, and conversation flowed easy whether it was forced or not. They gotalong better than I could have imagined. The truth is, I didn’t know what to expect before embarking on this adventure. What I do know is that I have made a huge decision that will greatly impact my life, my girlfriend’s life, my family’s life and especially that of my ex-girlfriend and her immediate family. It’s the kind of decision one makes that brings people and families closer together, but whatever hang ups are in the way must be dealt with and addressed head on before things can go any further.

I won’t got into too much detail about the first and second time they met, but I will say that the fact that the girls have so much in common has been a welcome retreat, and the positivity they’ve displayed has further reinforced the notion, at least for me, that absolutely anything is possible.  And, yes, I know I’m being vague as fuck, but that’s purposeful for now.

I don’t even know what to say about this weekend except that I was tired for most of it, and it went very well. It was at times amazing and at other times completely exhausting. I was running on empty, suffering from severe lack of sleep, and I still have no idea how I managed to get anything of note accomplished considering my brain felt like a bag of mush, for lack of a better word. A handful of multi-vitamins early Sunday morning was my somewhat successful last-ditch attempt to energize my body’s core before beginning the workweek. I’m still feeling a tad sluggish today, but my mood couldn’t be any better considering.

The Rundown

Friday night:

• I’m lounging on the couch with my girlfriend watching late night television.
• My best friend Q calls at around 11p.m. She wants to come over and chill. Her husband got on her nerves so she wanted to get away for a few hours. 

Saturday night:

• Q comes through around 12:30am – lots of girl talk between my best friend and girlfriend as I tried to keep from dozing off on the couch. At some point, I sat upright and Q and I chatted the rest of the early morning away. She left at around 4:30am. 
• Baby and I try to catch some z’s but can only manage about 2.5 hours of sleep as daylight has descended upon the city.  The day is looking fair and bright even though I am clearly lacking the necessary sleep to keep myself sharp the remainder of the day. Oh well.
• Needless to say, I was still somewhat physically exhausted, yet my mind wanted my body to firmly believe that it was well rested and refreshed. Meanwhile, I was sleepy as hell. 
• Morning consisted of a small breakfast and herbal tea.
• I got some writing done for a short story series I’m collaborating on with Alix, a fellow blogger. 
• Kisses and hugs showered on me by the girlfriend in between sips of tea and mental grinding.
• I read some e-mails by afternoon, one in particular from my pregnant ex-girlfriend whom we’ll call Peanut.
• She e-mailed me to let me know she was in downtown Chicago at one of the colleges and planned to stop by the condo when her session let out. I let the Baby know Peanut’s plans and she cleaned up a little in preparation while I wrote.
• Talked to Baby a little about Peanut coming over since I knew this would only be the third time, and I wanted to double check to ensure that she was cool with everything. She said she was. And yes, I know, it takes a special kind of woman to say yes to something like that, but this is me we’re talking about.
• Peanut showed up and I was supposed to take her grocery shopping, but I was on a roll and didn’t want to stop writing yet so she chilled for a while. At 6 months pregnant, her belly was/is like… whoa… stuck out like a misshapen torpedo. The little munchkin growing inside is beginning to kick and move around all the time. 
• Peanut and Baby talked for a while as Peanut watched the 2^nd season of True Blood. Baby played games on the computer in between and I… did more writing.
• Baby got a call from our mutual friend Courtney. She wanted to go to the waterfront café to drink, eat and gossip about her recent travels. I declined and stayed at the crib while I continued to… you guessed it, write some more.
• The weather started to look a little gloomy (bummer!) so Courtney and Baby decided to head to our favorite indoor Bar and Grill instead where they would eat and drink a little something-something.
• In the mean time, Peanut was chillin’ on the sofa and eventually we both were starving. Baby had already left and I was ’bout ready to eat a horse, so I did something I’ve been doing a lot of lately… cooked.
• I made salmon, spinach and rice. We gobbled it up like a couple of famished turkey’s. 
• I asked Peanut to be a little patient about going to the store because I was putting the finishing touches on my story. She was cool. I continued writing until Baby stumbled home saying how drunk she wasn’t. 
• A little more of the herbal tea and I was relaxed even though I’d been sitting on my ass the entire day. I felt good… and tired.
• Baby was cool though, she only had a double pint…  she claims, so we were all relaxed and everyone was on chill mode.
• My mom called late that night because I was supposed to drop off a package earlier that day. Oops, I genuinely forgot. I didn’t make it out to the suburbs and wasn’t planning to at that point. Ever been so tired you may as well been drunk? That was I. Lack of sleep had exhausted me.
• My Mom was NOT feeling that answer. I told her I was working on a deadline. Only after accusing me of being irresponsible for not rescheduling earlier did she have the nerve to ask me if I was on drugs because I sounded drunk, although I hadn’t drank a lick of alcohol all day. I really had to give my mom the cold shoulder through the phone. I basically told her “if sleep was a drug I was in need of an overdose.”
• I ended the call and went back into the living room where the girls were watching TV and recanting back episodes of True Blood.
• We all talked candidly and got some things out in the open. I checked the time and realized that it had gotten way late, however I completed my writing well before the deadline. 
• We laughed and joked awhile and they teased me for being… well… me. When I’m sleepy, my silly mood and goofy antics go beyond the ridiculous, but only when I’m around those I love.
• Later that night I told Peanut that I was in no position to drive anyone anywhere. She agreed.
• She was too cool and agreed to spend the night at our place. I made her a nice, comfy bed on the sofa so she could get a good night’s rest. Baby gathered the pillows, sheets and comforter and they both put me to work making it up.  Peanut didn’t have any pajamas so Baby found an old pair of jogging pants and one of my plain white tee’s for her to sleep in.
• After Baby turned in I made sure Peanut was comfortable on the sofa before following suit.
• Finally, I crawled into bed with Baby and spooned my ass to sleep.

Things to note: After an exhausting Friday to Saturday at which point I incorporated 2 and a half hours of sleep, at the most, into the 24 hour time period, I was awakened to the smell of scrambled eggs, breakfast sausage, and toast. Mmmm… my taste buds were awakening along with the rest of my senses. I heard Baby call out, “breakfast in 5 minutes.” Ok, cool, I thought. I could see the light from outside straining to reach into the bedroom window, and I was satisfied with the fact that I must have gotten a good night sleep to be this wide awake. After all, my eyes wouldn’t have been wide open if I hadn’t, right?

I rolled out of bed and dragged myself into the living room to find Peanut lying across the sofa bed. That’s when Baby walked in with plates of food heaped high. She set them on the dining room table. Breakfast looked great, but something was just not right. Something was out of place, but I couldn’t put my finger on it yet. Suddenly, I glanced over at the clock face staring at me from against the wall and low and behold it was only 7:30 in the morning… on a Sunday… and I was wide the fuck awake…

Unbelievable. Although it turned out to be a great start to an even better day.

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. From Smooth Operator To Soldier Of Love
2. Weekend Rap-Up: Highs and Lows
3. A Year Later Continued

You taste like heaven 
              Love
Run amuck in my mouth
On my tongue and everywhere
Especially down south
I imagine when we’re touching 
Surrounding each other with nothing
              But arousal
I feel it tenfold and then some
The temptation ticks powerful
I say hello to your soul
Your aggressive feminine’s untold
My dominance belies a submission
Together our passion unfolds

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Love Is Imperfect Perfection
2. I Want You
3. In A Mood

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My longest relationships have been with Tauruses. There is this deep, formidable, sensual reciprocity that knocks me off my feet with every connection. These bonds have withstood the test of time. There is no rushing in or out of relationships with Taurus women because affection and devotion come easy after love and trust is established, but it doesn’t just up and go away as easy as it comes. She takes her time when it comes to love, and when it rains down you don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. The huge appetite for intimacy inherent in me has been satisfied countless times by these earthy seductive creatures. Lots of physical and mental caressing is necessary, expressed, and well maintained in all my experience.

I feel a similar platonic connection to Taurus men and have found that they make for the best of male friends in my life. I’ve just never been able to keep one around long enough due to the fact that our interests and commonalities are so in tune they’d rather pursue a form of intimacy other than what’s been offered, to no freaking avail, obviously.

Ever see a Taurus in love? They’re unstoppable. My girlfriend and closest ex are both Tauruses. And how does one properly resist the charms of not only the bull but the bullfighter too – all wrapped up into one? It’s damn hard I’m telling you. I was born on April 20, the Aries – Taurus cusp, best known as the cusp of power. The attributes of both Aries and Taurus reside within. Part of me is on fire, and the other half remains on solid ground. And to be completely honest, that’s been the story of my life from as far back as I can remember.

Perseverance and determination mixed with a fiery spirit and unstoppable will has been a primary reason I’ve overcame and recovered from some of life and loves most destructive situations. Some I’ve placed myself squarely into with my eyes wide open. Guess which side has afforded me the most excitement? It’s the same one I’ve continually denied the better part of my life. I proudly refused to recognize certain aspects of my personality and the traits found within had everything to do with Aries dominance, impulsiveness and aggression.

When I  finally charted my date and time of birth, I discovered that my moon is in Aquarius. It explained some things. My dad’s an Aquarius-Pisces and I think it’s one of the biggest reasons we’ve been so close all my life despite his physical absence the second half of my childhood. He’s always been a constant in my and my siblings worlds however. My dad, the supportive, fun-loving, liberal parent, as opposed to my mom, the Sagittarius-Capricorn mother who exhibits the intensity of each and every one of the traits found within this sign to her very CORE. She sits atop the Cusp of Prophecy. ‘Nuff said.

I used to wonder where the hell I got all this charm from. And there were times when my mom would tell me I was too overbearing and too dominant, but… not assertive enough and not persistent in my endeavors and I’d think to myself…. “well, hell, how does one manage such a precarious mix of impetuous stagnation?”

My family signs:

Dad:  Aquarius- Pisces cusp
Mom:  Sagittarius-Capricorn cusp
Me:  Aries- Taurus cusp with Aquarius moon
Older Sister:  Cancer-Leo cusp
Oldest Brother:  Cancer-Leo cusp
Youngest Brother:  Gemini-Cancer cusp
Youngest Sister:  Sagittarius

Yes… my younger sister is the sanest one of all. With that said, I have a very close, ultra emotional and loving family. My role has always been that of both warrior and peace maker, diplomat and adviser to family and friends depending on the occasion.

It’s funny that  most of my life I’d proudly proclaimed myself a Taurus with no clear explanation for the detachment I felt for certain things and people, mirrored by impulsive acts that didn’t align with what I thought to be clear logical cognitive thinking. What I didn’t understand was that my fire side was always on reserve, always sizzling, and I’d brought it to the surface more than I cared to accept. Not so much out of sight, out of mind. It was more like if I don’t recognize this aspect of myself, how will I learn how to manage and deal with what results whenever it takes over.

I remember asking my mom for the exact time of my birth so I could chart my sign, and her reply went like this: “Sun, (her nickname for me) astrology is demonic (I don’t believe it is though!)  I don’t believe in it and neither should you,” which heightened my desire to do my own research. Afterall, knowledge is power and single-minded knowledge leads to narrow ideas and perspectives.

My relationships with my Taurus girls have not been free of the possessiveness and jealousy they’re known for displaying at times, but there’s another side that makes you forget all that. It’s the delicate, sultry, and downright submissive nature that is intrinsic in these women. I find the mental chemistry normally finds a way to supersede any pervasive negativity that threatens the bond.  Between the two, the relationships and intuitiveness at times requires no explanation as some things are best left unsaid. Some bonds just cannot be explained; they just are.

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. From Smooth Operator To Soldier Of Love
2. Clothes Don’t Make You But They Can Break You
3. A New Moon

After a conversation with an ex about where our relationship went wrong, I realized that we had to be in two different relationships. How could her version be so different from mine? Well, when they say there are two sides to every story, people are telling you the truth.

I have partnered with the wonderful Alix B Golden of  A Brown Girl to bring you two sides of the same love story. Even from the beginning there were sparks between Rebel & Rene…

Rebel:

Taking a deep breath, I rushed out of the powder room bumping into a customer in my haste. A tall customer with hazel eyes and locs. Any other day, I would have flashed her my dimpled smile, but I wasn’t my normal flirtatious self. She placed her hands on my hips to steady me as I felt myself ankles wobble courtesy of my ridiculous 6 inch stilettos. Her hands were warm at my waist and even in my grouchy mood, I couldn’t help but notice how the finger tips of her hands almost met. Gotta love a girl with big hands.

“Oh, excuse me!” I said, as I tried to talk myself out of blushing. My cheeks weren’t listening.

“Excuse me, too, beautiful.” She spoke and I found myself looking into thickly lashed hazel eyes. I put an extra swing in my hips as I glided away from her, causing my dress to flow around me. I looked behind me, catching her smirking at my swaying my ass. I rolled my eyes. Pervert, I thought with a smile.

Rene:

As I entered [the bathroom], a short, petite, pale-skinned sales girl was exiting. We bumped into each other hard as I reflexively reached down to steady the camera hanging from my neck. I thought she was going to stumble so I grabbed her around her waist and pulled her toward me to steady her gait.

I felt my face get all hot and my head rushed a little while I considered, for a moment, how good my hands felt around her tiny waist, before quickly retracting them.

”Oh, excuse me!” she exclaimed, in a southern drawl that I just knew had to be exaggerated ‘cause whoa. I hadn’t heard an accent that heavy, deep, and sexy since I first watched True Blood.

I said, “Excuse me, too, beautiful,” as she slipped past me and headed toward the front of the boutique. I watched her hips and ass sway as she walked away. She turned and saw me staring before I caught her roll her eyes as she turned around and continued on.

Make sure you catch Rebel & Rene every Tuesday and Thursday on  I Bleed Ink Magazine beginning July 27th!

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Afternoon Delight
2. Love Letters
3. Honoring My Woman

If you’ve been following the latest political news, you would know that Shirley Sherrod, a black USDA official from Georgia, was forced to resign a few days ago after ‘edited’ video surfaced on the web which purported to show that she had unfairly discriminated against a white farmer seeking assistance. When the full video was released we learned that not only did she help the farmer, she soul searched prior to doing so and learned a valuable life lesson in the process.

The farmer’s wife has since corroborated her statements and confirmed that she did the best she could for the couple, and her best resulted in their farm escaping foreclosure. 

Before I address the meat of the story, a few things first. Can you imagine getting fired from a current job because of something you said 24 years ago while employed by another company? Assuming you said something  halfway inappropriate, could you even fathom the long-term effects?

What the evidence in the video points to is the fact that Andrew Brietbart, the conservative blogger who broke the story, produced a heavily edited version of the video that did not show or tell the full story. Not even a little bit.

The white farmer’s wife, Eloise Spooner, defendsSherrod, saying she helped them save their farm.

Spooner, who considers Sherrod a “friend for life,” said the federal official worked tirelessly to help the Iron City couple hold onto their land as they faced bankruptcy back in 1986.

“Her husband told her, ‘You’re spending more time with the Spooners than you are with me,’ ” Spooner told the AJC. “She took probably two or three trips with us to Albany just to help us out.” 

 Ms. Sherrod  worked with the man and his wife over a two-year period to help ward off foreclosure. She became life-long friends with the farmer and his wife. In an interview with CNN, 82-year-old Eloise Spooner called Sherrod a “friend for life.”

She told CNN that Sherrod “always treated us really good and got us all we could. She’s the one I give credit to with helping us save our farm.”

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Semenya Caster, 19, has been declared ‘fit to be female’ by the IAAF. Family and friends have always maintained her sex to be that of a female. However, at the insistence of the IAAF, and the international sports community, she was forced to undergo a series of invasive tests that attempted to determine her biological gender. Semenya was forced into an 11-month hiatus from athletics in order to ”prove” a female identity before being allowed to compete again. 

Her muscular physique and vastly improved start times gave other female runners reason for concern. Namely, she came out of nowhere and handily kicked their asses up and down the track. Her persistence and desire has helped her to overcome international criticism and adversity as it relates to her athleticism and body image.

The IAAF cleared Semenya for immediate competition on July 6, 2010. Her first race resulted in a definitive win. Jenny Meadows, a fellow 800 sprinter and winner of the bronze medal, had this to say about Semenya:

“Before the final we were put in a holding pen kind of thing,” she recalls. “Nobody says much but it’s an opportunity to look at each other and smile. From the very start, though, Caster had her head down, not wanting to make eye contact. I tried to smile at her, but she just didn’t look up, and I understood why, because some of the Eastern European girls were staring at her and laughing, just being really rude. It wasn’t nice. And really, she did brilliantly after that to come out and perform how she did.” Behind her, Meadows secured bronze with a timely personal best of 1 minute 58.93 seconds, exceeding the expectations of an athlete who is happy to admit to being a late bloomer. ” source

Her physical presence is intimidating, and it’s probably the biggest issue she’ll face in her career from here on out. This episode has opened the door to discourse concerning ’gender’ to a broad international audience, but I can’t help but feel sorry that such a young athlete had to face this battle alone and in public. This young athlete, who is not only a high achiever, but more physically fit than the average male may still be thought of as a “woman” in a “mans” body.

She’s an incredible athlete and I will closely follow her career. She is exactly who she says she is and it is my hope that she perseveres through the storm and keeps coming out on top. I have a feeling she will accomplish and overcome even greater obstacles on her way to being a South African track and field star.

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

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1. Semenya Caster Plans Competitive Comeback
2. Semenya Caster Is Back On Track
3. Semenya Caster Rumors Abound

Dear Mr. Lincoln

We Coloreds have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week. We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

The tea party position to “end the bailouts” for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn’t that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds! Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is the only responsible party that should be granted the right to disperse the funds.

And the ridiculous idea of “reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government.” What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government “stop the out of control spending.” Again, they directly target coloreds. That means we Coloreds would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government “stop raising our taxes.” That is outrageous! How will we coloreds ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.

Sincerely

Precious Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew NAACP Head Colored Person

Ben Jealous is the real President of the NAACP.

The Tea Party’s Reaction:

“We, in the last 24 hours, have expelled Tea Party Express and Mark Williams from the National Tea Party Federation because of the letter that he wrote,” Webb said of the blog post by Williams that satirized a fictional letter from what he called “Colored People” to President Abraham Lincoln. ”

Bravo.

Mark Williams reaction went a little something like this. “Uhh. We have no leader and if something goes wrong, it’s because the Democrats are just trying to make us look bad!”

This is what he really said, “I am mocking those people who call themselves “Colored People” and who are now fighting to be kept as government owned pets, whilst hurling charges of racism at those who embrace freedom and civil rights.”

I won’t go as far as applying the racially charged satirical failure of a rant to the whole of the Tea Party. It would be entirely unfair and incorrect to do so. What we have here is an underlying issue of stereotypical race baiting. As such, the message, whatever its intent, is inconsistent, incoherent and completely out of line with reality or social appropriatness. The movement has become a channel for its “leaders”, members, and sympathizers to harbor ill will toward the government without having to project a sensible counter approach on how to fix the ills they’ve taken issue with. It’s more like a mindset; an angry collective and the whirling skirmishes being whipped up are bringing about greater resentment and discontent all around. How long can one remain committed to a cause that is both single and group minded, yet wholly unfocused with no actual direction, no leadership and no idea how politics works in a country they love? All I’m left with is the sentiment that a leader of any group is indicative of the nature and aspirations of that group. Is the Tea Party any different?

We shall see.

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Pissed Off Republicans And The Audacity Of The Tea Party
2. The Tea Party: A Misguided Movement
3. Meet Alvin Greene: The Sarah Palin Of The Democratic Party (video)

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So Mel Gibson’s an alcoholic, egomaniac, and a damn good actor with a mean streak. What’s new in Hollywood? Certainly not the violent verbal outbursts that have tapped into the consciousness of his most loyal of fans over the past few weeks.

And honestly, it’s not like he’s showing a side of himself we’ve never seen before. Lethal Weapon and Braveheart were perfect examples of the wild, untamed man-child that still lives within Mr. Gibson. It’s safe to say that he learned absolutely nothing from his blockbuster hit movie, What Women Want. Not a damn thing.

Fast forward to July 2010. He’s estranged from his ex-girlfriend, freshly dumped by his agency, and his private life is plastered all over the media.

Another angry tape was released just yesterday, and this time Mel can be heard demanding sexual favors. It went a little something like this, “YOU WENT TO SLEEP!? I TOOK TWO, COUNT ’EM TWO VIAGRAS, GOD DAMNIT, AND YOU FELL ASLEEP! YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!”

Let’s clear some things up first, shall we? I have always been a fan of Mel Gibson’s movies, but all the money in the world coupled with a slew of lovable characters doesn’t change the fact that somewhere along the way he became a damaged, broken man who got played like a fiddle by a Russian gold digger.

When he first met the mother of his child I guarantee he loved the way she dressed, but something changed, and shit gottwisted, but twisted enough for him to see her as a whore who deserved to be raped by a “Pack of n***ers?” Whoa, buddy.  Now, of all of the times I’ve seen this Oksana woman, she hasn’t appeared whorish in her photos, but the lady could be a freak in the sheets for all we know, but that’s her business.  She is much better looking than Mel, so she at least has that going for herself.

 He admits he likes to drink. Throw a  millionaire with a super ego into the mix and what do you think you’re gonna get?  For those who are defending him (Whoopie, etc) imagine your mom or sister receiving that kind of treatment or worse. I’m sure some folks can imagine it and have witnessed it personally, but what’s bad is that women put up with this shit all the time. I question her motives, but I don’t excuse racism, sexism or misogyny unless I’m the one engaging in it. I kid, I kid! Seriously though, I will say this. At my worst,you wouldn’t hear me or anyone close to me make the kind of statements and threats heard coming from Mel Gibson’s mouth.

There’s no need for Mel to explain anything to anyone either. It’s a family affair, a private matter, and as such the public shouldn’t even be privy to this no matter how juicy and x-rated the gossip may be, but we are and Mel only has himself and a clever ex-girlfriend to blame. At the end of the day, there are plenty of assholes in the world, in relationships, and in love, and it’s looking more and more like Mel is one of them. I just really wish he could have been more creative with his harsh description of who, in particular, Oksana could get raped by.

 ”You look like a f***ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n***ers, it will be your fault.”

He could have said:

A Team of Knickers
A Pack of Wild Hogs
A Swarm of Gangbangers
A Rabble of Angry Rioters
A Mob of Bikers
A Den of Nigerians
A Flock of Irishmen

Just saying…

In this video clip they drop more f-bombs than a drill instructor, you’ve been forewarned:

In other news, Mel will be featured in the next episode of Intervention. Stay tuned…

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

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1. A Constance McMillen Rant: Mississippi Students Bigotry Reflects The Tone Of America
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It’s not always easy to be the person I want to be. And sometimes it’s hard for you to understand what I’m feeling. At times, I can be the most charming, loving person to be around, but there are times when I’m distant, content with the isolation that surrounds. And it makes you reserved and sad. But there’s no reason for that, I just need to be alone with myself. In fact, I don’t need to know all of your secrets either, I just need to know your heart is receiving what I give her. There is so much I want to share with you, but most of it depends on what my heart’s feeling too.

When I’m quiet it means I’m lost in thought. Not that I’m ignoring you, baby-girl, not at all. It seems like the more we love, the more sensitive you become. The more we make love, the more drawn to me you are. I find that at times you feel hurt by me, too easily, but our passionate emotions have never come completely between us. And when you put two and two together, we feel loves emotions, as one.

Just know that my heart is so open to you it feels vulnerable. I fully understand that I am driven by passion, while loves fire remains your fuel, that’s why the sex is outstanding. As we already know I don’t always use reason when it comes to women. But I blame myself for their submission, ’cause when I was too busy indulging in it to concern myself with why passion had to be my center, I got no results, yet I continued. Every relationship, passionate, and still, some broken-hearts need patching. But for now I just need to chill and relax and think less about all of my misgivings.

At times I need to be alone, to recharge my batteries. To believe in myself enough to become a better me.

And so I thank you for being the woman you are, Kelly. The deep, understanding, going over, above, and beyond for me. When it comes to my woman-handling, you are braver than anyone I’ve ever seen. More than anyone whose ever loved me. With that said, I’ve asked a million times why does she… why does her devotion to me come just as easy as her loving? Why does my charm get mistaken, I mean why do I allow it to get the best of me. Yet as easy as it comes I can give it away just as freely. But it’s not free, and if my history bears repeating. You know what I was addicted to was the giving and receiving. 

You see, lust is one thing, but when you open yourself up emotionally. It’ll fuck up your whole belief system, have you believing you can do anything. I’ve been conflicted time and again and run the gamut of multiple relationships, but here I am and here we are. Full circle and we’re sailing. Our ships drifting off to sea, but we’re together in this sailboat, and I learned to sail at summer camp so it’s more than just hope afloat.  I just want you to know I love you. It bears repeating. To love someone is to be able to see not only with your eyes, but with everything. To love is to make sacrifices, and so together, we can face anything.

I believe that what we have found is a once in a life time kind of thing. Most women wouldn’t have the courage to stand up to me so there’s that, and the fact that I truly adore you baby. There are no other words to describe the hold your love has had on me. You ignite everything, and it’s your desire that keeps our boat rocking steady.

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. Hey Woman, If You’re Listening
2. Baby Steps: Bits And Pieces Of My Weekend
3. From Smooth Operator To Soldier Of Love

As soon as I answered the phone, her question went something like this, “So I was just another one of your mistresses too?

She had just finished reading one of my blogs, A Year Later Continued, and the incident I described on the football field resonated strongly with her because there was a similar one that occurred a few years prior to that. That incident did involve her, but the one in that post did not. I wasn’t surprised by the question, but the truth was, they were two entirely separate incidents that mirrored each other. I can’ t even say they were isolated because they both involved me and my womanizing ass ways. 

Even then, she wasn’t my mistress, she was my ex-girlfriend, however we remained physically and emotionally close after my affair effectively ended our relationship.

What happened that day isn’t entirely clear, and I’ve resigned myself to the idea that it may never be. But, by the time it was over, our flag-football team had placed 3rd in the 2006 Chicago Gay Games. We won the bronze medal, but I missed the team photograph on the field, and the celebration that followed because immediately after winning, I  high-tailed it to the sidelines, where an angry ex-girlfriend was waiting, staring me down. She held my cell phone in one hand, and a tiny balled up fist in the other.

I jogged over to where she was standing. I was furious too. She’d been pacing at one end of the side line ever since halftime started, talking on the phone. I didn’t know it yet, but she had been talking on my phone as I played ball.

We immediately started arguing, but I moved us as far away from the sidelines as possible. We were standing on the sidewalk by then. She didn’t live very far from the field so I invited her to watch the game, except she hadn’t really been watching at all. 

The late afternoon rain delayed the final women’s games, but by the time we ventured out of the athletic field house, the July air had warmed so much that we were able to resume game play. It was on. After losing the first game against a great team out of Florida, we went on to dominate the next two games, landing ourselves a chance at the bronze medal. I don’t know how I made it through the second half of the game because my mind was not in it. My mind was heavy, thoughts focused on my girlfriend and my mistress. My eyes, however,  focused on my ex who stood at the opposite end of the field chatting away while stealing glares at me in between.

Sometime during the second half  she went through my duffel bag. I was oblivious to everything until the second half. Fans don’t typically cheer from the sidelines at these types of venues, so the fact that she  was standing there was out of the ordinary. I knew something was up.

Later on I learned that she asked my girlfriend to come to her apartment, even provided directions and her phone number for reference. She was fierce then, and she’s fierce now.

I learned that in addition to going through my things, she took it upon herself to give (some) [most] \all/ the women in my contact list a friendly call.  They didn’t argue, fuss or fight either. Scorned women have that way about them when they come together, and the focus is on the same individual. They shared bits and pieces and details of their lives and discussed them in conjunction with mine. Relationships were dissected and my character, obviously, deservedly, ripped the fuck up.

What could I say to all of that? Let me explain to you what I was feeling inside. It went something like, “Oh shit, how the hell am I going to fix all of this?”  I was willing to take the emotional blows, but only because I was still considering my feelings above anyone else’s, making excuses along the way. She called my mistress, too, who was also a gay games participant. She was practicing for the closing ceremonies or else she would have been there that day. I was juggling many women.

And don’t think for a minute that juggling more than the required is some badge of honor, a thing I aimed for just for the “fun” of it. There are no bragging rights that come with multiple women being in love with you. I developed a problem pattern of burying my issues in women. Particularly, fears of abandonment, but I’ll write more about that later.

©2010 Stud with Swag. All Rights Reserved.

Related posts:

1. A Year Later Continued
2. From Smooth Operator To Soldier Of Love
3. The Dark Side of Valentine’s