Strong Takes http://strongtakes.com Spiritually and contractually obligated to take it strong. Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:09:28 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7.1 en hourly 1 pour some scheuer on me http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/nVfX-x7CGWs/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/07/pour-some-scheuer-on-me/#comments Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:09:28 +0000 ruthless wainwright http://strongtakes.com/?p=1112

Michael Scheuer: The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to, to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States.
…
Glenn Beck: I was thinking this weekend, if I were him, that would be the last thing I would do right now.

MediaMatters

Q: So what your guest said was—I’m quoting here: “The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States.”
A: That’s correct.
Q: And then, after that, you said, “I was thinking this weekend, if I were him, that would be the last thing I would do right now.”
A: Yes indeed.
Q: So, I just want to walk through your reasoning here and make sure I understand you correctly.
A: Sounds like a plan.
Q: You’re saying if Osama bin Laden had the opportunity to conduct a “major” attack on the United States, he would strategically best be served by not attacking.
A: Yuh-huh.
Q: Because, in your estimation, the current administration is incapable of protecting its citizens from harm.
A: You can say that again.
Q: And so if Osama bin Laden wants the U.S. to remain vulnerable, he should just never attack it.
A: Better believe it.
Q: So what you’re saying is OW MY HEAD. OW, THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD.
A: That’s right.
Q: PLEASE HELP ME
Q: MY BRAIN IS CHEWING ITS OWN FLESH IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET THIS TO END
A: Right on the money.
Q: SWEET MERCIFUL CHRIST, MY MEMORIES
Q: MY PRECIOUS MEMORIES ARE BEING CONSUMED BY MY OWN BRAIN
Q: AND YET IT IS WORTH IT IF I NEVER HAVE TO THINK THESE THOUGHTS AGAIN
A: You’re doing great!
Q: I BEG OF YOU, PLEASE CALL A DOCTOR
Q: PLEASE
Q: please
Q: pl.
Q: plurgh.
Q: burfle.
A:
Q: Obamination of health care.
A: Welcome to the fold!

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/07/pour-some-scheuer-on-me/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/07/pour-some-scheuer-on-me/ the u.s. state department: now with better dunks http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/Ta9ruH4FioI/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/the-us-state-department-now-with-better-dunks/#comments Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:39:10 +0000 ruthless wainwright http://strongtakes.com/?p=1108

One of the great curiosities in modern sports is the Chinese people’s lavish affection for Kobe Bryant. During last year’s Beijing Olympics, he was greeted with a rapturous reception and mobbed everywhere he went. He appears in commercials and on billboards, has a popular Web site and had a reality show on Chinese television. He sells more NBA jerseys there than Yao Ming.

“At the elite level, China and the U.S. have already connected, but there is no grass-roots connection,” says Donald Tang, who is the founder and CEO of financial advisory firm CITIC Securities International Partners. Mr. Tang, who will help guide Mr. Bryant’s China [charity], says the athlete’s popularity can help forge that connection. “I think he can be a one-man State Department, reaching directly to the people.”

The Wall Street Journal

Hillary Clinton: You know, I just want to say, that makes total sense.
Donald Tang: Huh?
Hillary Clinton: Kobe Bryant, one-man State Department. It’s a great idea.
Donald Tang: Oh. Uh, thank you.
Kobe Bryant: Secretary Clinton, I’m—
Hillary Clinton: Let’s just abolish the State Department and replace it with Kobe Bryant.
Donald Tang:
Kobe Bryant: Ohhh. This is sarcasm.
Hillary Clinton: Because the single most important enterprise of the U.S. Department of State is dunking a basketball.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, we really screwed up, when instead of hiring one famously prickly athlete to conduct the entirety of our nation’s foreign affairs, we hired over 30,000 diplomatically proficient men and women.
Hillary Clinton: Our bad.
Donald Tang: You know, that’s not really what I—
Hillary Clinton: No no no. We’re gonna make this right. We’re gonna do this. Kobe? Have a look at this. That’s you now, big guy. That’s all you.
Donald Tang: “Have a look at—” HEY WHY ARE THINGS HAPPENING WHEN I TOUCH YOUR WORDS
Kobe Bryant: HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO TOUCH WORDS THAT ARE SPOKEN
Hillary Clinton: I… I DON’T KNOW
Donald Tang: MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Hillary Clinton: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW
Kobe Bryant: WHERE ARE WE AND HOW CAN WE ESCAPE

Kobe Bryant: ALSO, WHY IS THE STATE DEPARTMENT STILL CREATING ITS ORG CHART IN MICROSOFT PAINT

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/the-us-state-department-now-with-better-dunks/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/the-us-state-department-now-with-better-dunks/ that’s why they’re not called innumeracyfighters http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/8MAnzOu0ucA/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/thats-why-theyre-not-called-innumeracyfighters/#comments Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:09:55 +0000 heady vedder http://strongtakes.com/?p=1104

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that white firefighters in New Haven, Conn., were unfairly denied promotions because of their race…

Monday’s decision has its origins in New Haven’s need to fill vacancies for lieutenants and captains in its fire department. It hired an outside firm to design a test, which was given to 77 candidates for lieutenant and 41 candidates for captain.

Fifty six firefighters passed the exams, including 41 whites, 22 blacks and 18 Hispanics. But of those, only 17 whites and two Hispanics could expect promotion.

The city eventually decided not to use the exam to determine promotions. It said it acted because it might have been vulnerable to claims [of violations to the] Civil Rights Act of 1964…

Associated Press

…and also because nobody could figure out how the hell they had gotten the math so terribly, terribly wrong.

“What we really need are some Asians,” said New Haven city manager Val Cantalupo, inviting further lawsuits.

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/thats-why-theyre-not-called-innumeracyfighters/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/thats-why-theyre-not-called-innumeracyfighters/ and though you fight to stay alive (politically) http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/42BBRkIX8Ug/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/and-though-you-fight-to-stay-alive-politically/#comments Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:42:19 +0000 wryly minogue http://strongtakes.com/?p=1098

Farrah Fawcett had about four hours of headlines to herself on Thursday before Michael Jackson kicked her off the metaphorical front page. And both overshadowed Ed McMahon, who died on Tuesday.
Reuters


As the news broke, a sigh of relief emanating from the governor’s mansion in Columbia, South Carolina, rustled the leaves of trees in a four-block radius.

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/and-though-you-fight-to-stay-alive-politically/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/and-though-you-fight-to-stay-alive-politically/ smoothest man ever http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/G1yXgNa4JQ4/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/smoothest-man-ever/#comments Thu, 25 Jun 2009 16:18:20 +0000 ruthless wainwright http://strongtakes.com/?p=1095

I have been specializing in staying focused on decisions and actions of the head for a long time now — and you have my heart. You have oh so many attributes that pulls it in this direction. Do you really comprehend how beautiful your smile is? Have you been told lately how warm your eyes are and how they softly glow with the special nature of your soul. … You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that!

Governor Mark Sanford (R-S.C.), via The State

Mark Sanford, softly, to himself: Dang it.
Mark Sanford: Jeff can you come in here real quick.
Jeff, an aide: Sir?
Mark Sanford: Jeff, I’m trying to— Jeff, you’re pretty smooth with the ladies, right?
Jeff: Uhhhh
Mark Sanford: You do all right, I’ve seen you. Look, I’ll cut right to the chase: I need to write a sexy love letter to a special woman.
Mark Sanford, carefully: A woman who is Mrs. Sanford.
Mark Sanford: And here’s the thing: I can’t write sexy! Can’t seem to do it.
Jeff:
Mark Sanford: So can you maybe help me out with this a little.
Jeff: Sir, I’d really like to, but—
Mark Sanford: Great!
Mark Sanford: Here’s how it starts: “I have been specializing in focusing on decisions and actions of the head for a long, long time—but you have sunk your beautiful long teeth into my heart.”
Mark Sanford: See, it’s like you got head, and heart, and that’s a classic sort of dichotomy.
Jeff: Huh. I dunno about the teeth—why don’t you just say: “You’ve got my heart”?
Mark Sanford: “My body is still attached to my head, but you’ve got my heart.”
Jeff: Let’s come back to that.
Mark Sanford: That’s all I got so far.
Jeff: Huh.
Mark Sanford: But I thought then maybe I would be like, you got all these attributes, and they are all good.
Jeff: That works!
Mark Sanford: It’s a good formula, I feel like.
Jeff: Uh, yeah. So let’s start with some attributes. What do you like about Mrs. Sanford’s eyes?
Mark Sanford: Ugh, they’re all squinty and mean, like a coyote what’s just been kicked in the—
Jeff:
Mark Sanford: Naw, they’re, uh. They’re good.
Jeff: Well, write something about them.
Mark Sanford: “Your eyes.”
Jeff: Try like a verb?
Mark Sanford: “Your eyes see.”
Mark Sanford: Uh, “things.”
Jeff: No, like “your eyes glow,” uh, “softly,” and then you can say something like, “with the radiance of a setting sun,” or something.
Mark Sanford: Hot damn.
Mark Sanford: “Your eyes glow softly with the special nature of your soul.”
Mark Sanford: Welcome to Smoothville. Population: Sanford.
Jeff: Well, or you could try something dif
Mark Sanford: No cuz it’s like eight birds with one stone, you know, like: one, you have soft glowing eyes, two, you also have a soul, three, that soul has a special nature… that line’s just got everything.
Jeff: Great.
Jeff: So. What else does Mrs. Sanford have th
Mark Sanford: Jeff, you gotta stop calling her Mrs. Sanford. You gotta stop. Call her “Maria.” That’s my sexy name for her.
Jeff:
Jeff: “Sexy name”?
Mark Sanford: Keeps the magic alive.
Jeff: Okay, so what else does Maria have, that you, uh…
Mark Sanford: Tan lines.
Mark Sanford: Big ol’ hips.
Mark Sanford: Hoo-haws.
Mark Sanford: But I wanna be coy about it, like, “I was gonna compliment your hoo-haws, but I’m not the one who writes dirty freakin’ letters that get me so riled up that I have to crawl around on the floor like a crazy dog making dog noises and such.”
Mark Sanford: “So I won’t compliment those hoo-haws.”
Mark Sanford: Maybe that sentence gets an exclamation mark?
Jeff: You can’t say “hoo-haws,” I think.
Mark Sanford: “Parts of yourself.”
Mark Sanford: “I enjoy observing you when you hold two particular parts of yourself.”
Jeff: Yeah. Sir, it sounds like you have this under contro
Mark Sanford: “In the faded… glow…”
Jeff: Hmm!
Mark Sanford: “of night’s… light.”
Jeff: Hmm.
Mark Sanford: Whoooo!
Jeff: It sounds a little like “night light.” Like you two are having relations next to a nightlight.
Mark Sanford: Jeff, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Jeff: You could do “moonlight,” “starlight,” you know, uh, “the glow of the streetlights of slumbering Columbia”—
Mark Sanford: Argentina, you idiot. Completely opposite side of the continent.
Jeff:
Mark Sanford: Oh, you mean Columbia the state capital.
Jeff:
Mark Sanford:
Jeff: Do I get a raise now?
Mark Sanford: Yup.

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/smoothest-man-ever/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/smoothest-man-ever/ hitler alert http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/5Gct0OAjJ_o/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/hitler-alert/#comments Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:49:29 +0000 ruthless wainwright http://strongtakes.com/?p=1089

Dear Friends:

Obama and Hitler have a great deal in common in my view. Obama and Hitler use the “blitzkrieg” method to overwhelm their enemies. FAST, CARPET BOMBING intent on destruction. Hitler’s blitzkrieg bombing destroyed many European cities – quickly and effectively. Obama is systematically destroying the American economy and with it AMERICA. First the banking/investment industry, next private enterprise (GM and Chrysler) and now HEALTH CARE. And he is working on grabbing more of the American economy with his environmental extremism!

We too CAN fight back. Contact everyone you know. Start a blitzkrieg of our own. Shut down the Capitol switchboards and the White House switchboards! Say NO to the Obamination of Obama Care!

The Republican Women of Anne Arundel County, via ThinkProgress.com

Hoo boy.

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/hitler-alert/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/hitler-alert/ they said he was some kind of scientist http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/JVAIPamSuHQ/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/they-said-he-was-some-kind-of-scientist/#comments Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:46:50 +0000 ruthless wainwright http://strongtakes.com/?p=1085

Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder, the highest-ranking executives to leave the [Church of Scientology], are speaking out for the first time.
…
Church spokesman Tommy Davis said the defectors are lying. Responding to Rinder’s contention that [leader David] Miscavige attacked him some 50 times, Davis said: “He’s absolutely lying.”
…
Rathbun orchestrated a “reign of terror” … in 2002 and 2003, church representatives say, masquerading as an ethics officer while Miscavige was in Clearwater handling legal and other matters. They say the leader returned in late 2003, summarily demoted Rathbun and began to clean up his mess.
…
The church said Rathbun has inflated his importance in Scientology; they say that after 1993, he never had a title.
…
If Rathbun’s responsibility was as limited as the church says, the Times asked, how did he get people to submit to a reign of terror? Davis, the church spokesman, erupted.

“He’s the one who’s saying that Dave Miscavige beat these people,” Davis screamed. “And he’s saying that Dave Miscavige beat the exact same people that he beat. And that’s what pisses me off. Because this guy’s a f—— lunatic and I don’t have to explain how or why he became one or how it was allowable.”

The St. Petersburg Times

“What I want to know is, why are you even reporting what this guy says,” continued Davis. “Why are you assuming that he has any credibility at all? He fucking doesn’t. Know how I know? Because he’s batshit insane. He’s certifiable. Batty. Bonkers. A bona fide fucking nutjob. Loony Tunes. The Frootiest Loop.

“The man spent his entire adult life in a science fiction cult, for fuck’s sake. Why you’d print anything he says beats the fuck out of me.”

Davis paused, then added: “Fuck.”

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/they-said-he-was-some-kind-of-scientist/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/they-said-he-was-some-kind-of-scientist/ suckers! http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/gTLMRJOgv1o/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/suckers/#comments Mon, 22 Jun 2009 16:21:31 +0000 heady vedder http://strongtakes.com/?p=1077

As a candidate for president, Obama was a staunch supporter of gay and lesbian rights. He called for repealing the Defense of Marriage Act and also the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy…He promised to help lead the fight.

Since taking office, however, Obama has disappointed many gay activists by not just keeping silent but, lately, by defending some of the policies he criticized.
Los Angeles Times

“OMG!” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, defending the president’s apparent gay-flop. “It is so totally not even valid to bring that up right now. Look, the president was just experimenting with gay rights. It was a crazy summer. It happened once. It was so totally not even a big deal.”

Continued Gibbs, “Look, you’re young, you’re running for president, your bunkmate is a gay rights supporter, it’s a really hot night, you can’t sleep, you can feel his body mere feet above yours, pulsating in the night, everyone is all taut and tan from endless days of swimming and Indian leg wrestling…that can easily lead to supporting gay rights…But it’s not like [President Obama] promised the gay rights supporters who voted for him that he would always be that way.

“It was just a phase. I mean, he’s black, for crying out loud. Black people hate gay people.”

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/suckers/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/suckers/ commander-in-briefs http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/YYr-WGYSwrs/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/commander-in-briefs/#comments Fri, 19 Jun 2009 15:37:09 +0000 wryly minogue http://strongtakes.com/?p=1061
A new Father’s Day survey by Jockey underwear shows — surprise — that Brad Pitt is the celebrity that most Americans would like to see in his underwear.
…
Results: Brad Pitt (29%), Matthew McConaughey (24%), Hugh Jackman (19%), Will Smith (16%), President Obama (13%).
Los Angeles Times
A conference room at Jockey International Headquarters. The female members of upper management sit around a table, looking with intense concentration at various dossiers spread across the table.

Susan: As head of marketing, I’d like to welcome you all to this annual meeting. As some of you have already noticed, there are no men here today, which is very convenient.
Lila: I had 300 pounds of BBQ and seventeen coolers of beer delivered to the roof, then had the janitor re-route the stairwell fans to waft the smell into the ventilation system.
Susan: And I thank you for that, Lila. As I was saying, this entire lack of male executives fortuitously coincides with the submission deadline for our Father’s Day advertising campaign.
Annie: I’m guessing this has to do with these files of shirtless-celebrity photos that Lila was passing out.
Susan: Correct. Because when people think of Father’s Day, they think of fathers wearing nothing but underwear.
Karen: I most definitely do not think that.
Gabrielle: I’m with Karen. I spent my childhood studiously avoiding seeing my dad lounging around in his underwear. I really don’t see how this–
Susan: Ladies: Brad Pitt is a father.
Karen:
Gabrielle:
Sandy:
Amanda-Rose:
Gabrielle:
Susan: I see my point is well taken.
Lila: So the plan is–
Susan: Thank you, Lila. My plan is to poll America to see which dads they would most like to see in their underwear.
Amanda-Rose: Wait, which dads America would most like to see in America’s underwear, or in the dads’ own underwear?
Susan: Actually, in our underwear.
excited titters
Susan: Our company’s underwear.
cessation of titters, a few muted sighs
Susan: So we just need to come up with a good list of five well-known dads to include in the poll.
Lila: Brad Pitt!!
Susan: Yes, Lila, he’s already on the list. We want a nice variety of men with lots of public appeal, and of course great abs.
Karen: Matthew McConaughey basically never wears a shirt. So I can safely say he would look good in underwear.
Gabrielle: Eeeuchh. I hear he never wears deodorant, though. And I kind of doubt he washes his underwear with much frequency.
Sandy: It’s who we’d want to see unclothed, not smell.
Susan: Good point, Sandy. Matthew goes on the list. Now let’s go for some diversity, though.
Amanda-Rose: Will Smith is black!
Susan: So he is. Okay, two more. Can we get someone foreign?
Gabrielle: Hugh Jackman is Australian.
Susan: Excellent! Okay, we need one more. Maybe someone who isn’t an actor… someone with a serious job, so we can show this isn’t just another frivolous poll. Someone people respect for his mind, his ideas.
Emily: Dan Rather!
Susan:
Emily: I, uh. I retract that.
Susan: Let’s aim for someone important but also attractive.
Sandy, reverently: Barack Obama.
approving murmurs
Susan: I love it. Lila, type up these notes and send the list to the polling department before the men wake up from their BBQ comas. This is going to be the most effective and least questionable ad campaign ever.

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]]> http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/commander-in-briefs/feed/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/commander-in-briefs/ yikes, south africa http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/strongtakes/~3/JzZuMhPSJh4/ http://strongtakes.com/2009/06/yikes-south-africa/#comments Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:14:12 +0000 ruthless wainwright http://strongtakes.com/?p=1056

One in four men in South Africa have admitted to rape and many confess to attacking more than one victim, according to a study that exposes the country’s endemic culture of sexual violence.
…
Of those surveyed, 28% said they had raped a woman or girl, and 3% said they had raped a man or boy. Almost half who said they had carried out a rape admitted they had done so more than once, with 73% saying they had carried out their first assault before the age of 20.
…
Any woman raped by a man over the age of 25 has a one in four chance of her attacker being HIV-positive.

The Guardian (UK)

A Message From The South African Tourism Board

Dear Prospective Visitor to Beautiful South Africa,

We understand that female travelers may be skittish about visiting South Africa in light of a recent sobering study by the country’s Medical Research Council, which found that over a quarter of the country’s men were rapists. However, we urge you to examine the numbers a little more closely. Consider a bus containing two men. Chances are a bit better than 50% that neither of them has ever forced their unwanted turbid genitals on another protesting human being. Now imagine that five more men get on the bus. There’s still a 10% chance that the bus contains precisely zero rapists! And remember, too, that even if a man on this hypothetical bus has grotesquely and permanently violated a woman’s dignity—mutilating her selfhood in a way that no man can really comprehend—it is slightly more likely than not that he has only done it once!

Some female travelers may also be concerned about HIV. In response to that, here is a picture of some lion cubs:

How cute is that?! Seriously.

Sincerely yours,
The South African Tourism Board

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