Spunky As Fuck

HEATWAVE IS THE NEW CHILLWAVE

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 14:21:00 +0000

Hot as balls out there ain't it? At least it is here in NY-Skeezy, so my girl Katie Pizza and I, Siggy Pop, made a heatwave playlist in the middle of a sweltering, alcohol-induced Friday night/Saturday morning delirium. You will see that the criteria for this list was quite simple-- the songs need to have either the words "Hot" or "Heat" in the title (Hot Hot Heat was disqualified for being "too 2002", although Hot in Herre was obviously not). But apparently we're accidental playlist masters cuz this shit is the perfect summer hotmix... which is why I'm posting it on my digital graveyard of a blog that I haven't updated in like six months-- IT'S THAT GOOD!

Here's what kind of magic you're getting into:

Here's where you can get it!:

http://www.mediafire.com/?ut20szpdr1zg2m2

Hot Freaks, Hotwax, Hot Pants, Hot Stuff, Hot Boyz, Hot Poop, Hot and Cold Skulls... what more could you even want in a hotmix.. or in anything at all ?? (maybe not the poop but whatever it's Zappa) ?? This jaunt is lit-rally too hot to handle, so stop reading and go get some ya hott mess!

"Dude I'm so hot this mix is so good" - Lohanistan

Fun Parallels

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Tue, 10 May 2011 04:18:00 +0000

Flying Lotus "Parisian Goldfish" from Eric Wareheim on Vimeo.

Vintage Dance Parties to Inspire Yr New Yearz

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 20:47:00 +0000

Hey Happy New Years Eve! I love this day cuz it's all about champagne and confetti and dressing up and having fun and thinking about the past and the future and all that jazz. Here's a few inspirational videos from dance parties of yore to get you revved up and ready for the big night. And hey, even if yr big night involves sitting in your parents basement watching the Snooki drop or Andy Cohen's campy wig drop party on Bravo or god forbid, Ryan Seacrest's little shitshow-- HAVE A GOOD ONE. (This is really all just an excuse to post vintage clips of dance parties, but seriously, have a good one.)

Classic New Years Eve party from 1980/81:

This 90's dance party public access show is really, really dope. What I wouldn't give to have been there.. or rather, I'd like to take a time machine and have my NOW-self be there:

And we really cannot forget Will 2K, possibly one of the greatest music videos ever, and DEFINITELY the greatest New Years song of all time. Will's getting all geared up for the new millennium (who WASN'T freaking out about Y2K?) and he's got a time machine and they go to the 20's, the 70's and the 80's, then things start glitching, decades are intersecting, and then they go to the FUTURE and Will's a robot man and there are dancing orbs and the whole thing's just a futuristic romp of good times.

See y'all suckas next year!!

A Video Supplement to the Best/Worst Music of 2010 Post:

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Thu, 30 Dec 2010 07:44:00 +0000

DJ Earworm just made a mashup of all the biggest pop songs of 2010 and it is such a nice, perfect compliment to everything I just wrote about yesterday. If you're too ADD to sit down and watch every GD video you can basically just watch this and get the gist of the state of popular jamz in the era of us. But you should defffff still go read all the shit I have to say about it, wink wink, duh duh. Plus, it's the closest Train will ever get to making an appearance on this blog, so they can thank their lucky stars for the gift of mashups, cuz lord knows they need more exposure. A bunch of Dr. Lukians made up the majority of this jaunt which only proves my theories of world domination.. and god, seeing Ke$ha ride her little bike around and interject shit throughout this whole thing really rustles my jimmies, so don't for a second think I've gone $oft on the topic of Ke$h. 2011 will undoubtedly serve more opportunities to make fun of her, and everything else.

Best and Worst Songs of 2010 + Guilty Pleasurez

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 23:23:00 +0000

So I thought it'd be fun to do some little recaps for the end of the year considering how absent I've been for the majority of it. It was rough remaining mum about all the fucked up things that happened this year in pop culture, but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do (aka not spend 5 hours a day blogging about Ke$ha). So we're gonna start off with a classic best and worst jams of 2010 list. I'm culling this list out of popular music cuz that's what makes the world turn, right?

! ! ! ~ B E S T S O N G S O F 2 0 1 0 ~ ! ! !

We Speak No Americano by Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP

I kid you not when I say that this may be the jammiest jam of all jammin' year. I could not go into a bodega, taxi cab, pizza shop, you name it-- without hearing this song. Once it gets in your head, that infectious little blippy beat is not leaving. Trust me.. cuz it was in my head for about two months straight, and I didn't know the name of the song, and one day literally spent a whole half hour (!) googling "Dance Music Hits 2010" until I found it. It shouldn't have even taken me that long considering it's the #1 Dance song in the WORLD. I really feel like this song is our generation's Macerena, except we don't get a cool dance to go with it (somebody please get on this ASAP).

How Low by Ludacris

"Rumor has it, that if you go low enough-- Ludacris will appear in the mirror". There is no better way to start a concept video than with those words. How Low was nowhere near as big of a radio hit as it should have been, but I can live with it cuz I'm just glad Luda's still got swagger after all these years and is still churning out quality tunes. Plus, between all his guest slots on J-Beiber, Taio Cruz, & Enrique Iglesias, I'd say he's become the certified master of saving otherwise mediocre songs from being irrelevant. Shazam.

Telephone by Lady Gaga

At first I wasn't gonna bother putting this on cuz I figured it'd been talked about to death butttt then the video came on TV while I was writing this and I was like "Wait, I'm gonna talk about Taio Cruz and not Telephone? That's bloggy blasphemy". This video's absurd and will withstand the test of time, and at least exhibits a bit of goddamn innovation unlike most vids.

Fuck You by Cee Lo

I posted this entry originally neglecting to mention what is without question maybe the best pop song of the year, and it's literally cuz I forgot about the damn thing! How the fuck could Spunky as Fuck neglect to post Fuck You?! FUCCCKKK!! But the reason I think I forgot about my man Ceezy is cuz the mass media (or at least pop radio) was forced to kind of downplay this song due to the fact that it has an expletive in the title, which is a theme I'm familiar with! So I'm sure as hell not gonna play that game. It's such a bummer that such a great song didn't get as much airplay as it should've cuz it had to be dumbed down/edited to be "Forget You". Ugh, the phrase "Forget You" packs no punch and sounds so wimpy which this song is so NOT. So to those who can't handle this jamthem as it is all I can say is... well, u already know.

What's My Name by Rihanna (feat. Drake)

I think I'm kinda biased towards this song cuz it's filmed on my street in the Lower East Side and my favorite trashy liquor store gets a cameo, and Ri & Drake get really sexy in the deli I get coffee at in the mornings... but that doesn't change the fact that this song is wedged really hard in my brain like, literally all the time. Producers take note: You really can't go wrong with some aptly placed OOH NA NA's, cuz that's the shit earworms are made of. Rihanna had a pretty great year between this, Only Girl In The World, and Rude Boy, but let's not think that she can do no wrong...

! ! ! W o O o O o O o R s t S o n g s o f 2 0 1 0 ! ! !

Love the Way You Lie by Eminem (feat. Rihanna)

Ugh. This song. I have spent so much time trying to wrap my head around why Rihanna would agree to do this stupid song and sing stupid lyrics like "Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie" while Eminem screams over about how fucked up their relationship is and how:

Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

(Rih-beaten to a pulp-anna in)
Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts."

Like, uhh, what? You're getting off on this? You're down with your dude being a total dick to you and making you cry and lying to you? That's cool with you, you like that? Last time I checked you were a victim of a terrible abusive relationship and should be an advocate raising awareness for people in similar situations so as to not perpetuate romanticized ideas about dangerous love. It's irresponsible and sad to see that she's not against promoting submissive ideals and saying that it's okay to have your partner lose control as long as they say they're sorry, especially after all that she's been through. And the fact that they got Megan Fox to star as a glamorous abusee in the video is just adding insult to injury (literally).

The fucking Hey Soul Sister song by Train

I'm not even going to burden you with the video for this song because a) Train is not allowed on Spunky as Fuck, and b) I know that you all have been forced to hear it 10 billion times by this point because it was a pussy, oozing scab on culture this year that refused to heal. I swear to gawd this song would NOT GO AWAY because it was used in like, five different commercials, every single ad for that terrible Katherine Heigle-Josh Duhamel movie Life As We Know It, and it basically just became the go-to "Hey look at this lil' happy-go-lucky situation we have here!" theme song. You will never get those little ukulele strums and "HAAAY! HA-A-A-A-AY! HA-A-A-A-A-AAAAAY"'s out of your head as long as you live, and that's an existential crisis in itself. Anyone reading this has permission to kill Train, and if they ask, tell 'em Spunky sent ya.

Runaway by Kanye West

Yeah guess what I'm about to shit on Kanye. Mr. 10.0 doesn't polarize me into thinking he's a genius just cuz every other music journalist is sucking his dick. As far as listen-ability is concerned, this song isn't as godawful hideous as some of the others on the list. But let's contemplate something:

WHY THE FUCK DO I WANNA TOAST TO THE DOUCHE BAGS? FUCK THE DOUCHE BAGS!

Don't try and trick me into thinking douche bags are cool and toast-able! Don't try and make me think that because you've made it easy to sing along to that I wanna like, roll with douche bags and sip champagne in their honor.. and esPECIALLY don't tell me that it's like, a metaphor for how the girl should get awayyy cuz like, she's a phoenixxxx and whatever that unbearably long wank-sesh of an "art film" tells you cuz that's all Kanye egotistic bullshit trying to make you think he's being abstract and deep (i.e., self-important and misogynistic).

But think about this for a sec-- think about a douche bag in your life. Perhaps he or she is that douche in your class that always says something pretentious and hyper-ironic (or maybe that's just an art school phenomenon..), or that person you work with that always has to turn conversation to be about themselves and is vaguely racist. Or maybe it's that dude that gets way too drunk at a party and starts arguing with everyone about how ____insert douchey comment about culture_____ is. Do you reaaalllly wanna give a toast to that douche bag? Do you? Or hey, perhaps you love Kanye and you think I'm a douche bag for writing this. Do you want to toast to me right now? Yep, gotcha. AND-- he sounds particularly awful on this track as far as vocals are concerned. I think he's attempting to sound earnest or something with his wobbly vocals and unpolished tracks or whatever but it just sounds like a waste of my time.

Guiltiest Guilty Pleasurez of 2010

Anything Dr. Luke Laid His Hands On

You may not know him by name (yet), but Dr. Luke is the reason you've been secretly humming Ke$ha and Katy Perry to yourself all year, wondering why you're being possessed by demons. It's not demons, it's the fact that our glittery pop tart specimens are merely vessels for Dr. Luke's sugar high-inducing prescriptions (who am I, and why am I writing like this?). You see, Dr. Luke is the man behind all the magic, as he is the main producer for Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Miley Cyrus, Taio Cruz, and probably anybody else you wish you weren't humming along to. Party in the USA? Blame him. California Gurls, Teenage Dream, Firework? He dun did that. And he executive produced pretty much every single song for Ke$ha in the past year.
And I'm not even going to pretend to attach any shame to my love affair with Dynamite:

This song and Taio Cruz are both fairly unremarkable, but everything about the production is just so damn catchy, and I feel I would be living a lie to deny his innumerable hit-making powers (he did Since U Been Gone and Girlfriend as well). What a motherfucker. Imma sum this up with a We R Who We R/Dynamite mashup, aka, We R Dynamite:

Also, we have yet to address Firework, my least favorite of the many guilty pleasures Katy Pizza had to offer this year... but we should probably expound on how fucking ree-dic this video is. Please, join me as I write a stream of consciousness rant. Press play and start reading the next bit as you watch:

Alright so here we are in a pretty city in Europe, lots of fun cityscapes, architecture, etc, and here comes Katy in her awkward dress (belt? beaded tassles?), trying to make us forget that she's been riding the slutwave for the past year (hey at least it's not a GD rubber dress). She's making a bad, outdated metaphor from American Beauty about being a plastic bag, and then there's some shots of a bad divorce scene, parents are fighting, madness/sadness ensues, another bad metaphor about being a house of cards (really?), now some peeps are jumping in a pool, a chubby girl's like "No, I don't wanna swim, I'm sad", and oh shit there's a kid with with cancer in a waiting room, contemplating shit, ignittte the liiiight, and then BOOM FIREWORKS SHOOTING OUT OF HER TITS! Yes, yes, this all makes so much sense. Divorce + Chubby Girl Insecurities + Cancer = Firetits. Now we've all got fire shooting from our nips, we're gonna show our demonz who's boss... Make em' go uhhh uhhh uhhh till ya shoot across the sky (ejaculation reference), angsty teen shoots his fighting parents with his firetits AND WE'RE DANCING! AND WE'RE DANCING! Everybody needs to put down their problems cuz YOU'RE A MOTHERFUCKING FIREWORK. DANCE! DANCE! FUCK THE WORLD AND DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U don't have 2 feel,
Like a waste of space,
Yr original
Cannot b replaced ; )

(sorry got distracted by the poignant lyrics). Now we're getting into the underlying "It Gets Better" message that pop stars have adopted as a trend for their music videos (We R Who We R is one too, such advocates, these girlz). And more firetits. And more fighting insecurities via firetits. And most of all, more bad metaphors.

But um, back to Dr. Luke... I have a love/hate relationship with this man, because he is making it so that Ke$ha is unable to be a one-hit wonder because the beats and synth lines he's pairing with her songs (Katy PeePee's as well) to make them virtually unavoidable. This man is such a master that he was able to literally just reverse the tune of the chorus of Tik Tok to make it the chorus of California Gurls and they were both two of the biggest hits in recent memory. Yo, Dr. Luke, diagnose me with something so we can work together and you can make me a rich pop slut, kay? Thanksssss...

Like a G6 by Far East Movement

I think I must just be a whore for synth or something cuz that's the only explanation for why I like any of these guilty pleasures. Who'd have thunk a bunch of Asian rapper boyz from the far east would make it all the way to Spunky? Certainly not me, that's who.

Please Don't Go by Mike Posner

I know, you guys are all like "Mike Who? Fuck this guy!!", and I kinda am too until we get to the synth line in the chorus and then I'm like oh fuck, now I have to listen to you. This song really is the epitome of a guilty pleasure cuz I don't even wanna talk about it, that's how guilty I am. The whole "If you leave I'm gon' find you" part in the chorus is kinnnnd of creepy and I know I'm gonna one day regret ever putting down in writing that I respect this man in some way, shape, or form... So I'm not gonna talk about it any more, and you guys aren't gonna hold the fact that this song is being brought to your attention against me, k? (Shut up I know yr tapping yr toes too...).

Ummm okay. I think I need to wrap this up before I start philosophizing the Black Eyed Peas or Michael Buble or some shit, cuz once you go Buble you never go back, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take. If you think I missed something or you wanna educate me on why Kanye isn't a pompous douche bag, leave it in the muh'fuggin comments.

I Got A Lil' Feature on I Heart Photograph!

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 16:43:00 +0000

Signe Pierce - Sad Girls Club, 2010

WHOOP WHOOP! Check it out, my work's being shown on I Heart Photograph today! This is a total honor as IHP is probably my all time fave photo blog. It features some of my work from the past year, along with two new pieces. The Glitz Pageant girl and the Sad Girls Club ladies are from my newest series, Role Modelz, which is exploring negative female stereotypes in the pop world and the effect it's having on culture (a topic we've delved into more than a few times on this-here bloggo). There's a lot more to come and if you like the work check out my personal blog HERE.

I can thank Bobby Doherty for this, as he is guest contributing for the week. Bobby is one of the most talented people I know, and it would be silly stupid of you to not check out his work. He's a master, and someone to look out for. Check out his work HERE.

As for the state of Spunky, I'm gonna do a year-end review in the next week to make up for all the fun things we didn't get to talk about during my frenzied second-to-last semester of college. I miss this blog so much I can't wait to talk about all the fun shit!!

I'll leave you with this bullshit, as it is a readymade counterpart to my work:

Ke$ha Decides One Awful Video for Take It Off Isn't Enough- Makes Awful-er Video; Wears Roadkill

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 06:30:00 +0000

I now interrupt the Spunky As Fuck Hiatus of 2010 for this very important video:

There already is a video for this godawful song but she decided it wasn't visually offensive enough and decided to throw on some more heinous white fluorescent lipstick and add some really bad digital effects just for good measure. In the vid's description Ke$$$$$ha $ay$:

"heyy to all my fans! sooooo....me n my friends were bored and we were really channeling some 80s hard (tron, david bowie in labyrinth, revenge of the nerds) and we made this new video for take it off. it was really fun to make. i hope you guys like it!!!!!"

Huh.. so you and your friends just threw this shit together when you were bored? Do you guys just happen to have a fucking leopard lying around? They probably were watching the first one and were like "It just doesn't make me feel like I have a $exually transmitted rash all over my body enough... let's go roll in some chickenfat grease outside of a Chinese restaurant and make a new one and have some post-production dudes add some sikq graphixx to it". Or at least that's how I imagine Ke$ha and her friend$ to talk. The Jeffree Star appearance just adds insult to injury, as I haven't thought about him since Myspace whores were still relevant (were they ever really relevant? No, I refuse to give them that sort of satisfaction).

Speaking of the Devil Ke$ha I may as well throw in this fun little quote Jezebel posted today on how Ke$$$$$$$$$$$ha uses road kill for fa$hion:

"A friend of mine has a big farm in the desert, and she picks up feathers and roadkill for me, then makes it into clothes".

So Ke$ha's not above wearing roadkill either. I know I shouldn't be surprised but like.. really? Roadkill? You really wanna take it to that level? Why haven't you gone away yet? You were supposed to be a one hit wonder you little maggot woman, GO AWAY! Your terrible assault on culture has lasted far longer than it was supposed to, shut it dowwwn.. you're the worst pop star maybe of all time, and that's really saying something.

Umm one last thing in case you haven't seen it, which is Ke$ha's stint on The Simple Life like.. six years ago. Her mother's presence (and audacity to call Paris and Nicole for matchmaking purposes) clears up any and all questions about any possible brain damage Ke$ha may have had inflicted upon her:

Thanks Schmelia Lee for the vidzy.

By the way, I'm not happy that Spunky's been lying lifeless in the gutter as of late, but I have been caught up with a coveted internship at Saturday Night Live that leaves me 2 bizzy 2 bloggg. I'll still do posts when I feel extreme inspiration (such as this), but can't make any promises about nurturing Spunky back into the beautiful blog she once had dreams of being. Maybe one day... but big dreams IRL have to come first.

Umm Are You KIDDING Me Betsey Johnson?!

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 18:54:00 +0000

BJ's new collection is a pop fashionista's dream come true. I am actually salivating at the mouth looking at these candy coated flouncy dresses. Betsey has always been the spunky girl's go-to designer as she isn't afraid to fuck with you a little bit (hello, "Ride Me" necklaces?), and the Spring 2011 collection shown today at New York Fashion Week takes it to a whole new level. These dresses are as though Kelly Kapowski were going to a Quinceanara on a rainbow. Somebody call the doctor, I just contracted a fevah!

Also fucking lovvvving the green and pink makeup pallette:

Love you Betsey, foreverandeverandever.

Photos via NY Mag

Spunky Ass Fashion: Kidear Youman's Eyewear Will Melt Your Damn Face Off

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 00:36:00 +0000

I had the severe pleasure of attending up-and-coming eyewear designer Kidear Youman's first show last night at Gallery Bar in Lower East Side, and shit was HOT! Kidear makes ritzy, glitzy things to decorate your face with that let everyone know you're the most badass bitch in the room. Sure, they may impair your vision more than they will help it, but when was avante-garde fashion ever practical? Right, never. Feast your eyes on some of his magical creations.. this is the shit Nicki Minaj's dreams are made of:

Kidear in his fabulous post-show haze

WANT those clear glasses with my prescription in 'em, shitdamn.

The fancy Ms. Marie Driven

If yr impressed you can check out Kidear's website and order your ass a pair. Get em while they're fresh, you'll be regretting it when they're thousands and thousands of dollars in a few years from now and the only person that can score a pair is Mz. Gaga herself and you'll be like HAHA SUCKAS!!

Photos courtesy of yrs truly, Signe Pierce

Girl Talk + Every Gif You've Ever Seen = Mashup Mindfuck

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 17:01:00 +0000

I'm a big fan of appropriating other peoples cultural achievements and turning them into something new, and have always seen Girl Talk as the master of all things "that". And I love .gifs cuz they give us the ability to appropriate other peoples content and footage and pare it down to have a whole new context. So when a dude takes every .gif you've ever seen and mashes them up using Girl Talk as the soundtrack my mind is pretty much ready to explode. Evan Roth's Cache Rules Everything Around Me video is the innernette era at it's finest, you guys.

Spunky Gifs of Spunky Bitches

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 02:54:00 +0000

I taught myself how to make gifs yesterday and it's sure to become a new sensation in Spunkytown. They take a few seconds to load, but here's a little taste of what I was playing with... basically just used a bunch of perfectly perfect girly Europop videos to sample from. Sabrina and Amanda Lear are my girlsss.

Glitter In The Gutter: Lindsay Lohan's Last Days

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 18:58:00 +0000

This video sums up LiLo's situation so perfectly that I don't feel I even need to bother doing it myself:

I feel like Lindsay's performance in life is going to be way way way more memorable than any performance in a movie once it's all said and done. If I were her I'd scrounge up whatever money that was left after years of copious drug use, and I'd hire a slick camera crew and cinematographer to film everything about my fucked up life until I (she) finally kicks the bucket, as she's bound to soon do. Thennn they would edit it into this tragic piece of fame and sex and drugs and heartbreak and death and it would be fantastic. Thennnn she'd be able to go down with at least some kind of legacy. A new kind of starlet who made her LIFE her greatest role. It could be a surrealistic pop masterpiece. It could be called Glitter in the Gutter: The Last Days of Lindsay Lohan. Hollly shit Lindsay CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF REHAB, I've got a posthumous Oscar in the works for you, baby.

Lindsay's Summer in Jail 2K10, ILL NVR 4GET U

Umm I'm Sorry But It's Time To Address The Real Housewives

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 22:44:00 +0000

Let's tawk trainwrecks, shall we? I've been wanting to talk about The Real Housewives since forever (because it's the best series of all time), but a part of me felt that maybe it was just toooo lowbrow and awful to spend time dissecting. What started out as the guiltiest of guilty pleasures has become a trashtastic pop phenomenon. The ladies that make up the Real Housewives are like The Plastics of America. They offer their entire lives up to be scrutinized all in the lame name of the fame game (you are free to subtract five blog points for that one). But no, it is an obsession that cannot be quashed. Once you allow yourself to give into the housewives there's really no turning back. To know them is to love/hate them Their gossip is our gossip, and trashy as it may be, it's so much fun to give into!! We the viewers get to play fly on the wall and be catty about who we like and who we hate and pick sides and do all that fun stuff you're not supposed to do IRL and it's totally okay! Andy Cohen, you bitch!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey have been hard at work this season securing spots in the Worst People in the World Club lately (except for the Manzos.. God love the Manzos) and it gives me chills from how awesome it all is (I literally just got a chill thinking about it). There are a couple highlights that have been standing out in my mind:

Trainwreck #1: Teresa's Bankruptcy Massacre

Teresa is best known for the table flip that shook the world, and is the most popular girl on the show who recently filed for bankruptcy and owes 11 MILLION DOLLARS (it's probably/definitely even more than that) to allll kinds of muthafuckas. Can't say I'm too surprised considering this is the woman who last season was quoted saying, "The economy is terrible, so we pay cash!" Umm.. that doesn't mean anything at all as far as economic strategy is concerned you bitchtwit. So now she and her hubby may be facing jail time!

Joe, her obviously-a-mob-man husband seems to have decieved Teresa into thinking they have limitless amounts of money when they only make $79,000 a year. OUCH! According to Jezebel's investigative report on the matter, they've maxxed out at least 8 credit cards, eight mortgages on three different homes (two of which are in fo'closha, the other of which is being sold), and $5.8 million is due for various "business investments". Juicy Joe's been up to some dirty work on the side.. eh? Suuuuch a stupid gangster. I really like this video, btw, it sums up my point:

But that's not to say that Teresa's delusions of grandeur didn't hugely impact their current situation. It's really unbelievable how spoiled and superficial this woman is... within thirty seconds of her fourth baby girl being born she screamed "When can I put something frou-frou on her!!!!", and sure enough within minutes Audriana had a fucking leopard print beanie with a feather coming out of it on her head.

There's an entire section on her website where she sells gaudy hats and hair accessories for little girls, all modeled by her daughters:

Selling tacky hats for children is just the beginning of their financial rebuild, as the Giudice's are holding a gigantic auction on August 22nd where they are getting rid of pretty much every single thing they own. Their multi-million dollar mansion? Gone. Gia's terrible pink ATV they got her for her 9th b-day (classic episode showcasing their bloated excess)? Gonnnne. Allll of their furniture, shittons of cheetah-print clothing, and yes, even their wedding bands? Gone, bitch. This woman seems to possess about as much self awareness as an ant (that's being generous), which is how one winds up being confronted with the harsh, harsh reality she's now facing. I imagine Teresa and Joe's current situation feels a lot like that desperate breakdown scene at the end of Goodfellas when Henry and Karen realize they're completely done for and just crumple up in the corner of their tacky Jersey home and cryyyy.

This woman has always had delusions of grandeur as to the way things work (see above photo), but I think her husband definitely fucked them over big time as far as not putting a leash on her unbelievable spending habits a long, long time ago. She seems to have been completely blindsided by the news that she's broke, and it appears that the thought that perhaps money was not an infinite thing never, ever once occurred to her. That's what happens when you prescribe to sexist laws like, "The man handles the money, the woman spends it!" and your main concerns become chinchilla jackets and frou frou baby hats. You end up fucking stupid, and then you're stuck making C-rate commercials for tanning beds (not that she was ever better than this in the first place, it's just double pathetic considering that now she's doing it out of sheer necessity):

What's kind of difficult about this situation is how morally torn I am about it. On the one hand, it's totally awesome to watch these stupid people and their bloated, excessive fallacy of a life crumble to ruins. Why should you get to have it all when you haven't done shit to deserve it? You shouldnnn'ttt. Her daughters are over-decorated brats who have been taught that vanity and materialism are the most cherished values in life. Her mobster husband is obviously a lying scumbag who keeps a bunch of this shit from his family and has now royally fucked them out of everything they've ever known. These people deserve this, right?

Right, they do. And they obviously make for stellar television. You get what you pay for and these people payed for shit wayyyyyyyyy beyond any logical means. This week Teresa went on The View to discuss the dramas surrounding her life where she claimed, "I always live within my means", and boyyy did she take a beating. Note to reality whores: Don't go on the View looking for condolence, especially when you're not able to own up to, or even recognize, the situation at hand. Those bitchy old hens basically live to tear y'all apart. Joy Behar had the bawls to say what we were all thinking and asked if her husband was a slumlord. Teresa didn't know what that was.

She's still clueless as ever about the situation at hand. She referred to filing for bankruptcy as, "A fresh start". Umm, good luck with that.

Trainwreck #2: Danielle's Boobs/Daughters/Existence

Danielle. Where do I even begin with her. She's psychologically worse off than Teresa, but it would take 500 blog posts to cover all that craziness, which luckily, every other pop culture blog is covering so I don't feel the need to get into the nitty gritty with this one. But there are a few things that need to be discussed. First of all, her DEAD TITS:

This shot is from an episode from a few weeks ago but that doesn't change the fact that her nipples are fucking BLACK AND GREEN!!! WHAT?! WHAAAAT?!!! The doctor said he'd never seen anything like it in his life.

So then she went and got her dead tits fixed and decided to release a sex tape:

I strongly suggest y'all get yourselves over to daniellestaubraw.com to watch the trailer, it's skeezzzyyy. She claims somebody stole it from her apartment and sold it to Hustler butttt Hustler doesn't let third-party peeps solicit sex tapes so that's a damn lie. Not surprising at all, seeing as Danielle's made an entire life out of being a brokeass, conniving crazy slut, and by far one of the best if I do say so myself. Check out the mug shot from her cocaine thrusting Colombian cartel days:

I do feel really, really terrible for her children. The heartbreakingness that was "Jillian's Song" from last week's episode, in which Danielle's poor younger tween daughter sings a song at her sister's Sweet 16 won't leave me. Danielle pushed and prodded this girl into singing this ridiculous song throughout the entire show and the outcome was.. kind of totally awesome for all the wrong reasons. Please, if you're going to watch anything today, watch this:

I'm always there for you, and you are always there for me
Cuz we are more than friends yr a part of my famileeeee
We are sisters!
And we stand back to back, there is nothing I lack
When you are by my side,
We are sisters!
You're my partner in crime, when we spend our time,
LAUGHING TOGETHERRRRRR
Yeahhhh it's not like, actually a sad song/video, just extremely awkward in the most awesome way imaginable. It would probably be the worst thing in the entire world to have this woman as a mother and Jillian secretly hates her soooo much. This poor little girl.. although I seriously have been singing that fucking song alllll week (I know, I'm insane). However, Jillian's Song provides a beautiful segway into my third topic..

Trainwreck #3: Real Housewives Musical Endeavors

"I've always wanted to be a singer" are words uttered by many a reality whore. Between Kim from Atlanta's and "Countess" Luann, it's a tough toss up as to who's the better gay dance music diva. I personally love both of these songs. Don't Be Tardy For The Party is just hawt and ridiculous and Kim's wig makes everything okay, forever, and Money Can't Buy You Class is the ultimate Housewives anthem... as it is the most poignant message one can derive from watching these shows. You're right Luann, money cannot buy you class, and all of you are living proof of that:

And these girls aren't just limited to gay dance anthems but also gay musicals! Dina Manzo is a producer (??) of My Big Gay Italian Wedding, an Off-Broadway show in NYC and she got all of her Jersey cohorts to do guest spots for four days in September. It looks like maybe the campiest thing ever. Also, note Teresa's depressed-ass demeanor. Maybe reality's finally setting in?

I could get into about 5 million other things involving Real Housewives but I think I'm going to save it for another day, as I've wasted wayyy too much energy the past few days crafting this ridiculous post. Real Housewives of DC starts this week so that'll be a whole new mess of bitches to deal with and I can't fucking wait. I leave you with this awesome video of Stephen Colbert and Andy Cohen reading a transcript from a classic Bethenny vs. Kelly showdown from Real Housewives of NYC. Solid gold:

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Andy Cohen

www.colbertnation.com

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Katy Perry's Eating Our Brains With Her Sick Plastic Dream Pop

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 19:24:00 +0000

I have a lot of inherent problems with Katy Perry, some of which have already been ranted here. But I feel like my disgust and disdain for her grows more rapidly the more she releases songs I can't stop singing. We're deep in the heart of Summer 2K10 and it has become clear that whether we like it or not, California Gurls is the song of the summer. It's spawned a billion different YouTube parodies, it's been the #1 song for like, weeks and weeks and weeks, and it's fucking infectious. You can't tell me you haven't found yourself accidentally humming it in the past month.

So then last week she released her next single 'Teenage Dream' which is a sappy love song that is also going to be a massive fucking hit. She is sucking me into her sick plastic dream world one song at a time and it's causing me immense inner turmoil. I find myself singing along and being irrefutably charmed by the pop perfection filling my ears. It feels hypocritical to enjoy, but it would be a lie to pretend I didn't like it. The other day a friend of mine was like "What do you think of California Gurls?? I haaaaate" it, to which I responded, "Do you hate it? Or do you love/hate it"... to which he confessed to totally love/hating it. It is the quintessence of a guilty pleasure.

But it's not our fault that this love/hate pop music phenomena is happening to our brains, because it has been engineered to do so by Dr. Luke. Dr. Luke is the mastermind behind some of the biggest pop hits of the past couple years, and has scored big in 2010 with California Gurls, Tik Tok and Party in the USA. This man has perfected the pop hit formula to where he's basically churning out #1 hits like butter and noooo one seems to care that they're all the same song. Teenage Dream is yet another one of his creations and I'm starting to feel like I have no choice but to surrender to the undeniable pop power this man is wielding. It's not our fault that these songs are tailor-made to be loved, so we may as well just go with it. But that doesn't mean we have to stop hating Katy Perry for being one of his mindless vessels.

The problem I have with KP is the incessant whoring out of herself. She has been quoted saying "I'm completely outrageous and I'll do anything for attention!", and that was even before she left the Christian girl schtick behind. And it's true, she will rape any trend, say any obscenity, (fake) kiss any girl, tweet any snarky thing her team can think of for her-- if it will garner attention. It's working like a charm. She's become completely immersed in playing up her image, undoubtedly a part of The Gaga Effect that seemingly all pop divas are dealing with right now (Gaga Effect manifesto is on the way..). Competition is a bitch but Katy's putting up a decent fight, although it's completely lacking in direction and/or taste (see below).

WTF is this...

The video for California Gurls was set in Candyland. Cute little premise, I'll give it that, but why the fuck are you gonna do a song all about California and have it not be set in California? I understand that this dreamy cotton candy paradise could be seen as a metaphor of sorts for Cali (oh god, metaphors and deeper meanings in a Katy Perry video? Shoot me), but fucking A-- save this idea for the next song's video that isn't specifically location-driven. This video should've been some neon-ass homage to California... super saturated on Venice Beach with hot dogs and popsicles and surfing or whatever. Have some girls, or I'm sorry, gurls that actually look like what she's singing about and not candy fairies flitting about. Just more proof that she has absolutely no clue what she's doing.

However the candy coated imagery she's soaking herself in is extremely appropriate. She's a confectionary product who is easily bought and sold and can pretty much execute whatever trend is projected onto her, all while making you think that, "This is who I really am". She will play into the demographics and that will certainly get her success (for now). She's still going with her goddamn food-based identity (which I've already ranted here) with the California Gurls video but it's undeniably cute and easy to work with.. and it's no question that most people would rather watch that than the gothic, homoerotic ode to intangible sex that was the Alejandro video (sorry Gaga but it was just not... good enough).

Buttt she still felt the need to be a bitter fuck on Twitter calling out Alejandro's mixing of religion and sex as blasphemous and cheap. Bitch you're entire career is the epitome of cheap blasphemy! Remember that time you kissed a girl? Or I dunno the time you and your slutty bridal party vamped around in a church the Hot'n'Cold vidja? Or the time you woke up in Vegas and were like "Fuck did I get married last night?" She's constantly toying with ideas that any actual moral, Christian person (which she severely claims to be) wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. After her little microblog misstep of a rant (peeps were generally like "WTF r u talkin' about K8Y?". I'm paraphrasing..) Russell Brand tweeted something involving how she farts all the time. Class. Act.

There's just something extremely annoying about pretty much everything she does/says. It seems to be an innate part of her, and probably has to do a lot with the fact that underneath all the shiny makeup and plastic facade she's a RAGING JESUS FREAK! Girl said she saw the movie Jesus Camp and was like "I didn't know they made a movie about my childhood!". Uhh.. that puts things into perspective pretty nicely. I think I'd be okay with her if she were like "Yo I had a crazy Christian upbringing and now I'm rebelling and growing comfortable in my own skin and I love sex and blah blah blah" but no, she's got a Jesus tattoo on her wrist and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with the way she portrays herself despite being a devout religious freak. Katy, lil' spoiler: If hell does exist, you're going straight there after you're done exploiting everything you possibly can here on earth.

As a final point, what's the deal with all the rubber dresses and shit? Is that a thing? Is latex cool? No, it's not, it's just slutty and an easy thing to make "theme-wear" out of. Let that be a reminder that while Katy Perry may be an insufferable force on pop culture, she herself is not by any means a person to acknowledge as innovative or groundbreaking. I guess that point is moot because who the fuck is going to argue that? But what I mean is that... she is a puppet who doesn't seem to know at all what she's doing, her integrity is as plastic as the wigs on her head. Regardless of the fact that her songs have become wedged deep into the walls of my consciousness, it's impossible to support such an out and proud famewhoring hypocrite who seems to have no real insight as to what it is she's actually doing.

I'll finish my post with Kinglsey's thoughts on the matter, cuz no one can rant better than this motherfucker can:

"It's the exact same motherfuckin' song. That is some fuckery, Dr. Luke!"

80's Mall Pop's Bitches Brawl!!: Tiffany vs. Debbie Gibson

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 06:12:00 +0000

Tiffany

+

Debbie Gibson

+ Two failed careers, 20 years later

=

(All three of those videos are really worth the watch. Also, Spunky's back. Sorry 4 the negligence these past two months.)

The Poster Child for Cheeseburger Art Has Been Found

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Fri, 28 May 2010 04:19:00 +0000

via John Houk's Overlooked photo series.

Downtown Girls Takes MTV to New Levels of Irrelevancy

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Thu, 27 May 2010 18:14:00 +0000

Ohhh MTV... you never learn, do you?

So Downtown Girls is MTV's new reality show about some manufactured hens running around NYC pretending they're cool. Not really sure what the big difference is from The City, but it seems like they've ditched the Hillsian cinematography (you know, Hillsian? Glossy, movie-like shots with extremely long pauses during dialogue? Eh..) and are going for a more "real" vibe with this show.

The star of the series is like Lauren Conrad meets Carrie Bradshaw (I know, barf city right?). Shallon Lester, who's name implies that she's a middle aged man, is really a cool lil' journalist betch who blogs for Glamour.com and is a vlogger for Double Agent, where she gives dudes advice on girls. She also co-wrote the intellectual masterpiece, Hot Mess: Summer in the City.

She thinks she's different from the other reality whores cuz her and her friends are "career women" who are just doing their NYC thing. Perhaps they don't get so bogged down in dramaaa and instead focus on the bigger things like achieving yr dreams and husband hunting. You know, just being downtown girls! Here's the trailer:

Downtown Girls - MTV Shows

This really feels like MTV's attempt to undo the damage of reality whores past. They want to set better examples of how things are done. Honestly I'm not really looking to be inspired or motivated by anyone who chooses to whore themselves out to an MTV reality show in the first place. Downtown Girls feels like a weekly wank-sesh where we get to watch these girls prance around and flaunt how cool and witty they think they are. The fact that they see themselves as something to aspire to and to be watched by millions somehow feels even more offensive than when The Hills do it. I prefer my reality whores plastic and disturbed.

I suppose it's admirable that the higher-ups at MTV have recognized the damage they've done to their TV subjects as Heidi Montag from The Hills has made herself an example of all that is wrong with pop culture and the obsession with beauty. This woman got parts of her BACKBONES shaved off so she could have a more aesthetic curves, and wants her boobs to be "'H''s for Heidi!". Umm, don't worry Heidi, your boobs are terrifying enough at the law-defying F-cup size you've already acquired. You've successfully turned yourself into a freak for life, mission accomplished. This morning I watched this video of her "audition tape" to be considered as Megan Fox's replacement in Transformers 3 and it freaked me the fuck out. This is for you, Michael Bay:

So yeah, The Hills has made its cast members batshit insane, but MTV wants to let you know there's other cool girls out there making shet happen for them that doesn't involve raging coke habits and fake tits and guns. And in turn, it feels completely fucking stale and boring and safe. These girls are no more admirable just because they have "cool jobs".. they're just more easily sold because they have corporate attachments and rich daddies to smooth things over for them.
As someone who actually lives in the Lower East Side (I'll refrain from referring to myself as a "downtown girl" cuz that's retarded) I can safely assure you that no, these bitches are not the dream and are a misrepresentation of New York culture. New York's downtown scene has always been the go-to destination for pushing the envelope and trying new things, but these girls are as plain and manufactured as Wonder Bread. They all fit into little stereotypes such as "the Rich One", "the Ditzy One" and uhh.. "the British One".

They have cool jobz too.. the ditzy one is trying to be s a lawyer (she's awaiting the results of her second bar exam, the first of which she failed), the Brit is a "digital marketing guru" at Atlantic Records, and the Rich One ran a SoHo boutique that her daddy paid for which actually just went out of business. Pretty fucking cool, guys! You work for failing companies that are extraneous to the advancing world around you and you make it look just as dull as it probably is.
Painting these women as "cool, hip and funny... just like you!" is everything I loathe about the way youth culture, and apparently integrity, is sold. The last thing we need is more boring, safe girls clogging up Manhattan.. and the rest of the world. There's nothing exciting or new about any of this, just a safer, more trite version of what they've already been showing us all along. Everything these girls know and preach has been sold to them, and now they're selling themselves to you. Message to MTV: Let's not blur the lines of the purpose that reality TV serves, which is in actuality, an escape from reality.
The Shitshow starts next Tuesday, June 1st.

Not Dead, Just Resting

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Tue, 25 May 2010 08:30:00 +0000

Just checking in to say that Spunky as Fuck is not dead, just taking a mini-break during the beginning of summer. In the meantime tide yourself over with this... futuristic 70's Eurodisco never looked so good:

If you're itching for a fix don't forget to hit up the Tumblr, which I've shamefully still been updating whilst neglecting my Spunkybaby. Don't worry, this shit's still #1 in my heart, I'm just in summer vacation mode. I'd rather keep quality over quantity and not succumb to lazy, half-assed posts. Be back soon, I promise!

15 Images

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Sat, 08 May 2010 14:48:00 +0000

Miley's Just Being Miley But Miley's A Tacky Slut...

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Sat, 08 May 2010 06:45:00 +0000

Okay so I know I just went on a big Katy Perry rant but Miley Cyrus apparently felt the need to upstage her in mediocrity via her new video for "Can't Be Tamed". Miley can sometimes offer the guiltiest of pleasers ("See You Again" and "Party in the USA" are shameless), but this song is serrrriously bad. At first it sounds like it could maybe be going somewhere but then you get to the awful chorus and you're like "Oh god that's all you've got? Fuck this". It's borderline grating to the ears. And the the video is trying so hard to be edgy and cool and conceptual. No one better try to hold Miley back cuz she can't be tamed you guys.. she's a fucking animal and she's gonna prove it to you via bad CGI and lurking around a museum at night.

Is it just me or does Miley have something kinda weird going on in her eyes. She's trying to be sexy but she always seems kind as though she's staring into space and has no idea what's actually going on.. kind of just a dumb, flat expression constantly piercing through her eyes. I'm going to take that observation and apply it to a theory that Miley Cyrus probably isn't very smart and probably DEFINITELY has no idea what she's doing. This shit feels stale and stupid and like it was conceptualized by a bitchy, overly-sexed 17 year-old girl along with the sexually deprived old men working as her creative consultants-- most likely cuz it was. At least unlike Katy Perry we don't have to worry about this being a hit if they tried because it's excessively bad and not catchy whatsoever. Not even an army of tweens could save this one, sorry Miley.

New Tobacco Is Soooo Good

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Sat, 08 May 2010 05:22:00 +0000

Oh hell yes there's a new Tobacco album, Maniac Meat, coming out May 25th and it's the bomb. Tobacco is a side project of Black Moth Super Rainbow's main man Tom Fec and this murrfucker brings the noise hardcore. Sounds like sleazy, tripped-out, badass jams that make you wanna run around and vandalize buildings and make out in backseats.. and maybe do some acid while you're at it. Download this killer track "Fresh Hex" featuring Beck. Katy Perry take note, this is what a Summer Anthem should sound like.

Tobacco feat. Beck - Fresh Hex: DOWNLOAD

Marilyn Minter is The Very Best

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Fri, 07 May 2010 18:03:00 +0000

Marilyn Minter has been a favorite of mine for a lonnnngass time and I can't believe I've never posted about her before now! I did a big long report on her for my Contemporary Photo class months ago and must've just gotten a little burnt out on her and neglected to share her with the rest of the fine world. Anywhoo, she's a badass photographer/photo-realistic painter who takes sexy, dirty, vibrant pictures of all kinds of glitter and goo emitting out of model's mouths.

Most of these are from her most recent series, Green Pink Caviar, which was also a short film that was screened in Times Square last year. Marilyn does an incredible job of mixing the beautiful with the grotesque and oftentimes you can't tell what's a photo and what's been painted. She shows at the Salon 94 Gallery in New York.

From Food Porn series in the 90's

Also check out Green Pink Caviar being screened during Madonna's most recent Hard Candy tour. Such a perfect collaboration:
See more work HERE.

Katy Perry's New Song Sucks; Katy Perry Is a Trend-Humper

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Fri, 07 May 2010 17:06:00 +0000

First thing's first go here to listen to this song while you read this.

Katy Perry just released her new single "California Gurls" with Snoop Dogg and I hate it. It's got the same sort of bassline as "Tik Tok", which is the exact same song as Justice's "Ttthhheee Pppaaarrrtttyyyy", which means this song is a third rehashing of the same old shit. Plus, she spelled "Girls" with a U and that's not acceptable unless you're a 13 year-old passing notes. Perhaps the funniest part of this song is that she's likening it to be LA's answer to "Empire State of Mind". Honey, you wiiiish. However that's not to say that it won't be a huge hit.. it was manufactured to be, and therefore it will be.

KP has always been one of those pop personalities desperately searching for some kind of relevant content to set her apart from all the others. This week at the Met's Costume Institute Gala she wore a dress with LED lights weaving throughout (above). Fashion people loathed it while other people thought it was "sooo cool" (I'm paraphrasing). I personally found it to be pretty tacky and "Shmeh". Utilizing technology in fashion is without a doubt going to become more and more popular as time goes on, but for now I do believe it is what we can call an uber-gimmick.. and I do believe that that's what her entire career has been based off of. She's the gimmickiest gimmick I ever saw and she's made a persona out of trend-humping.

Think about it... For a while it seemed like she based her entire persona around fruits... like she would wear dumb things with cherries and bananas on them and seemed to personally identify with them. That's realllly cool Katy, really expressive and interesting. This time around she's milking like, four different trends at once. We've got acid neon blue haired gemz, we've got 60's summer fun Beach Boys, we've got Betty Page hair and a bad logo. What the fuck kind of persona is this? It feels as though she's got some weird Market Researcher lurking Tumblr all day tracking trends and dissecting "what's hot" and trying to mold them all into one person.

It's always important to remember that Katy Perry is the girl who used to be extremely homely and Christian and was a GOSPEL SINGER until one day she realized no one wants to fuck the Jesus freak. So then she switched over to writing snarky songs full of bad hipster cliches and playing lipstick lesbian... and now she's engaged to Russell Fucking Brand.

Russell Brand who's probably the trendiest motherfucker on the planet right now... Russell Brand who's entire career has been based off of being an ex-junkie and an awful host of the VMA's. That dude is our generation's Andrew Dice Clay, and I would say he's approaching the final seconds of his 15 minutes-- hopefully via "Get Him To The Greek" flopping, cuz that movie just looks insanely bad. He's playing the same stupid Aldous Snow character from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" aaaaagain and it's based around working for Diddy. T R E N D H U M P I N G.

I wish I could say that "California Gurls" won't be successful because we've already heard this same formula so many times before, but people suck and they don't seem to care about being re-fed the same thing over and over again It's not their fault, the producers and writers know how to hook you. That's why it's called a hook... it's got one of those evil little infectious hooks that will stay with you and drive you insane. But ugh, why does she always have to do this with the Summer Anthems... I'd rather not.

EDIT: Oh and one more thing that needs to be thrown in there-- the name of her new album is Teenage Dream, which is fucking bullshit considering Beach House just released Teen Dream four months ago. Like... are you fucking kidding me? Really? You don't care that that territory has already been completely covered? You decided it would be okay to disregard the fact that one of the best albums of 2010 already has the same fucking name cuz you're some stupid overly-entitled pop star who doesn't see the realm outside of your own plasticity? Katy Perry you should not have pushed these buttons as they can never be unpushed. You have created a true enemy in me, and as we all know, hell hath no fury like a scorned blogger.

Sarah Silverman Speaks About The Nature Of Writing Comedy and Real Housewives

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Mon, 03 May 2010 20:45:00 +0000

I'm about a week and a half late on this, but I saw Sarah Silverman read an excerpt from her new book The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee at Barnes and Noble in New York on 4-20. I can't say I'm extremely compelled by the book, as things with "pee" in the title usually deter me. I'm sorry, that sounds like such a snob.. I just could never get into the poo poo-pee pee humor thing, although Sarah Silverman did have a really serious bedwetting problem. I love me some Big S, and it was cool to see her answer the audience's questions. The ones I found to be the most compelling:

When you write comedy, do you think you need to be in a good mood?

"Yeah, definitely. I write better when I'm happy. I long to be happy. Unlike a lot of other comedians and writers I don't romanticize depression."

What's yr advice for young aspiring comedians?

"Just do it all the time. Perform in clubs all the time. When I was younger my friends and I would just go around to all the clubs every night doing open mics and just trying to get on stage. Do it every single night... it shouldn't feel like a chore."

And my personal favorite,

"Do you watch Real Housewives and, if so, which one's your favorite?"

"Ohhh God. I do watch Real Housewives, it's one of those sick little things that you can't help but get sucked into. But... I don't really know that I have a favorite. I mean honestly they're all a bunch of materialistic backstabbing cunts... it's awful, and I'm actually really afraid of the message being sent out to young girls cuz they're gonna think this is normal and the way things are supposed to be and that being a crazy bitch is cool".

TRUE THAT. It is weird to think about how skeezy, trashy behavior is being more and more ingrained in American culture (cuz it's so goddamn entertaining) and how it's going to influence generations to come. Body shots and catfights and hot tub parties and "swagger" are being flashed in everyone's faces like it's some awesomely realistic way of living, but it's all a big mess. Like I've said before, we're going to breed a nation of plastic girls that have no true sense of what's attainable/acceptable in society. A million little Heidi Montags running around (oh god... we'll get to her in the next post).

As to whether or not Sarah was stoneddd during her 4-20 presentation, I'm gonna say Definitely Maybe. She totally maintained composure and didn't SEEM stoned, but she's a pro weed smoker, so I wouldn't be too surprised. She did mention it, saying "It's 4-20... I'm so glad stoners finally have a day, they've suffered for so long. And the fact that it's on Hitler's Birthday just seems so appropriate." The book does look funny, it's getting good reviews, so if yr a fan, perhaps consider checking it out and let me know how it is.

TWEEN TALK: Twilight + Beauty and the Beast = Beastly, Ugh

noreply@blogger.com (Signasty) — Sun, 02 May 2010 18:47:00 +0000

Oyyy yoy yoy, this one's a doozy. So Beastly is a new movie that's coming out this summer and it's going to be a shitshow. We can thank Twilight for bringing us this "modern take on Beauty and the Beast", as the tween-romance-fantasy genre is at an all time high. It's set in a private school in Manhattan and is basically about a rich, attractive, arrogant fuck who makes fun of some girl who turns out to be a witch (Mary Kate Fucking OLSEN), then is told he has one year to make someone love him or he'll stay like this FOREVER. According to Wikipedia, things get weird after that:

"As Kyle ponders how to overcome the curse and get his old life back, he chances upon a drug addict in the act of killing a threatening dealer. Seizing the opportunity, Kyle promises the addict freedom and safety for his daughter, Lindy Taylor (Vanessa Hudgens) if she will consent to live in Kyle’s Brooklyn home. Thus begins Kyle’s journey to discover true love in this present-day retelling of the classic “Beauty and the Beast” story." - Wiki

Let's see so we have Mary Kate Olsen playing the witch that casts the spell of Ugliness on the dude...

And this is what the dude ends up looking like:

And then he saves some drug addict's life (or something?) and the addict hands his daughter (Vanessa Hudgy) over to him and lets him live with her and she's a whimsical chick deeply rooted in the "Beauty is Only Skin Deep" mentality (what a coinkidink...) and they fall in love. The End. Hmmmm.

Honestly, I know this completely goes against the message of the movie, but whyyyy the fuck would Vanessa Hudgens hang out with him? I know the entire point of the movie is that she shouldn't care about his looks, but... dude's got some weird metal shit growing out of his forehead. I get squeamish enough as it is when I see someone with an eyebrow ring (just cuz they're sooo visually offensive), so I don't know how she does it. I mean, obviously that's the entire lesson of the film-- that beauty doesn't matter and it's what's on the inside that counts.. and of course I respect that as an actual human being.

But as a critic, I wonder if the shallow tweens of America will agree with me and make this movie unsuccessful cuz they don't have a hot R-Patz to stare at for an hour and a half. Instead they get morals beaten into their brains whilst having to watch this metallic Beast fuck learn a lesson. The tweens probbbbably won't take such a callous point of view cuz they aren't bitter art students that have to pick everything to bits in order to make it interesting. But I'm just saying: I'd rather watch the hottness that is R-Patz, K-Stew and T-Laut groping each other any day than watch a morality movie about a pompous asshole becoming an ugly shitbag and learning a lesson from it starring Vanessa Hudgens... mainly because even if they do get a point across in the movie, it will 100% not be retained by it's adolescent audience.

Also Neil Patrick-Harris plays a blind tutor. Who can guess how many metaphors and deep messages will come between a blind tutor and dude suffering from a curse of the Uglies? This movie's gonna suck, I can't wait to see it.