Stinkerpants Blog

The Impact I Want to Have

Sara Olsher — 2012-10-30T16:02:06+00:00

Becoming a mother transformed me. It turned me into a more patient person. A selfless person.

Motherhood is the reason I left my marriage: I wanted to create a better life for my child than I had created for myself. She is a perfect, tiny little being, and she deserves nothing but the best of everything.

Divorce, too, has transformed me. Where I once was a public person, I am now relatively private. Some of this relates to motherhood—I don't want C reading the unraveling of her parents online—but it's also deeply personal.

Divorce has simultaneously made me unapologetic and sort of fragile. I no longer apologize for who I am and no longer feel guilt about my decisions (after all, I'm doing the very best that I can, truly). But I also feel like I've been through a war in the past year. I never used to be particularly kind to myself: I was my own harshest critic, and I spent a significant amount of my time picking apart my actions in the name of "becoming a better person."

I no longer do that. Of course I am introspective, always looking to improve. That's part of my nature, and it will never change. But I am done making my own life harder by constantly second-guessing myself. I am being kinder to myself, out of necessity. The truth is, I am a fragile being—we all are—and I am deserving of kindness. And part of that kindness meant being more private online and no longer putting myself in a position to receive others' judgment. While I know I can handle it—after all, I've been through far worse than a critical comment here or there—I don't want it.

I am lucky to have the community of readers and friends on this blog that I do. Since I quit Weddingbee, I haven't received a single harsh comment here. By contrast, there has been nothing but an outpouring of love and support at every turn. And for that, I am immensely thankful. I miss you guys, I really do.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I see my life going. What the future of this blog and this business are. This was a cocoon of safety, friendship and self-esteem for more than five years. When my life exploded, I wasn't sure what role Stinkerpants would have in helping me rebuild. While the friendships and relationships I formed through the business were completely positive, the actual business of, well, running a business, was a source of extreme stress for me. This business was also an integral part of my marriage—the two felt tied together inextricably. After all, the business itself began with our Save the Dates. Where would it end? Does it have a place in the "new" life I have created for C and I?

The answer, I believe, is yes. But possibly in a different form.

Randomly, I came across something the other day:

Know the impact you want to have...Be the guy glowing with passion. Let the people around you feel your fire for the impact you want to have on the world. Prompt others to share what makes them come alive. Share in their excitement. There is no more empowering, genuine way to connect. If you don’t know the impact you dream of making, how will you know who you want in your corner to make it happen?

This spoke to me—not so much in the context of creating connections, but more in the existential-what-am-I-doing-with-my-life kind of way. In my quiet moments, I meditate on this question: what impact do I want to have on the world?

I am coming to some answers, but they're not fully formed yet. I know that they revolve around creating a better world for my daughter and children like her (more on that soon, I promise). As far as my business? I hope to use it as a catalyst for whatever the new-and-improved will be. My artistic style will evolve—I am moving away from my computer and more toward actual, real, tangible things. It may look different—in fact, it probably will—but I hope it will make people smile in the same way.

And I hope you will stick around as I re-enter this world, in whatever form I decide to. I am thankful for each and every one of you. Thank you for your patience, love and understanding.

Why I quit Facebook and only looked back a couple of times

Sara Olsher — 2012-08-24T16:58:57+00:00

Right after I left my married life, my friend Mandy told me to leave Facebook.

“QUIT FACEBOOK?!” I said. I knew I was addicted to it, and I knew it was unhealthy...but I didn’t know what I’d do without it. I truly didn’t. I scrolled through my newsfeed in any quiet moment. I think it kept me from thinking about the fact that my entire life was falling apart—or, during my marriage, that I was completely miserable.

I eventually did decide to quit Facebook. I was shocked to find that I actually did not miss it at all. I logged back in a couple of times, thinking “huh, maybe this isn’t so bad,” only to find myself feeling unhappy. For me, it wasn’t as much jealousy or sadness about my lack of a perfect life (which I know is the reason a lot of divorcees quit). It was more that I felt disconnected from people when I looked at my newsfeed. Here are all these people, living their lives, who I haven’t talked to—really talked to—in months...sometimes years. Looking at all these "friends" had me questioning who really cared about me, and who I really cared about.

When a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer, I thought even more about Facebook’s worth. She and I are going through really hard times in our lives right now, and really hard times have a way of showing you who (and what) is really important to you.

If you had cancer, who would you want to know? Or, better yet, who do you actually think would reach out and call you? It’s easy to leave a comment that says “OMG I am so sorry,” but it requires an actual friend to pick up the phone and call you. And beyond calling you, who is going to bring you a casserole? To me, quitting Facebook made it easy to see who my “comment” friends were and who my “casserole” friends were. And at the end of it all, I realized I have zero need for “comment” friends anymore. I feel much more fulfilled with a handful of casserole friends than 500 commenters. In fact, my life feels much more sane without that peanut gallery of 500 commenters, period. It's not that Facebook doesn't add anything to my life—it actually feels like it subtracts.

A few months ago, I sat and watched my daughter play in front of a group of people who were taking photos and videos with their phones. It was like she was on television. The whole purpose of it was to show what an awesome time they were having with their lives, with this adorable girl—but they weren’t actually interacting with her. And what must it feel like to be on the other side of that? To grow up in a world where you are constantly on display?

C is still too young to be “connecting” with her friends this way, but kids who are in their 20s now are used to connecting with people artificially. There’s a whole generation of children growing up connecting with people via various media outlets, but not actually able to live their lives.

I feel very strongly that Facebook does not connect people. That social media, in general, does not connect people. I think it gives people a false sense of friendship and creates laziness in relationships. Why bother actually connecting with a human being if you already know what is going on in their lives?

What do you think, dear friends? Could you ever see yourself “quitting” Facebook? Do you think it’s helping you connect with people, or hurting your real friendships?

Magnetic Makeup Storage for a Small Bathroom

Sara Olsher — 2012-05-29T18:58:41+00:00

Hello friends! I hope this Thursday is going well for you all. As you know, C and I have moved into an apartment by ourselves. Said apartment is very small. You know what's even smaller? The bathroom.

There's not even enough counter space for the soap! I found myself going insane with disorganized plastic tubs sitting on the back of the toilet for my makeup (and pretty much everything else).

When I saw a pin on Pinterest about a magnetic makeup solution, I knew I had to have it. Theirs was a little too crafty looking for me, though.

This is what I came up with. The magnetic board is from Ikea ($12.99), the StickOnPods are from Amazon ($9.99), and the magnets are from Michaels (similar here for about $8/50).

As you can see, the back of the makeup is not so pretty. I tried a lot of different types of glue, and finally settled on Gorilla Glue -- the other types of glue weren't strong enough long-term. The one drawback is that it oozes out from behind the magnet. Small price to pay, I say.

The StickOnPods are possibly my favorite part. To me, they really completed this setup. I've been storing my brushes in a glass jar for the past I-don't-know-how-many-years, and I didn't like it. This? I love.

Any other tips for a ridiculously small bathroom?

Think before you speak…

Sara Olsher — 2012-05-07T20:43:48+00:00

Misery needs company

Sara Olsher — 2012-05-06T21:37:14+00:00

Random thought for the day - you are the company you keep!

Judgement and the Single Mother

Sara Olsher — 2012-04-25T18:45:00+00:00

This weekend, I went to a meetup group for newly single moms. You know, trying to meet people in my same situation and all.

While I was there, I realized three things:
1) I do not feel emotionally damaged;
2) I have no doubt that, with the exception of things I cannot control, my future is very bright;
3) being a single mom is hard and people judge you.

One of the moms at the group confessed that she judged single moms before she became one. She said to herself, "wow, you couldn't make it work, huh?" and "just didn't try hard enough, did ya? Couldn't keep your man?" At first I was a little shocked, as I have never judged single mothers. People who voted for Prop 8, yes, but single moms? Never.

By contrast, I always had a deep respect for single mothers. I felt that their lives must be extremely hard, and always visualized a woman who had to work two jobs for her child(ren). Sacrifice. That's what I thought of.

But then I started thinking about some of the comments I've heard from strangers: "well, it always takes two to tango," and "XYZ probably happened because he was feeling ABC," and "well, isn't that true of ALL men?" The answer, strangers-who-think-they-know-everything (because it's always strangers) is NO. No it does not, no it didn't, and no it isn't. I resent the implication that I didn't try hard enough, or that staying in my marriage would have been better for our daughter (who will apparently be irrevocably damaged by divorce). That may be true for some people, but not for all. And interestingly, I find that these questions often say more about the person asking them than they do about me.

So yes, people judge single moms. Why, I'm not sure. In some ways, this goes back to my last post -- perhaps people are insecure or hold a strong opinion about the effects of divorce. As I've gotten older (and ostensibly more mature), I've come to realize that most people have a good reason for being in the situation they're in. It's never as black and white as it may appear, and there are always parts to the story that you haven't heard. I just don't think it's wise to judge others.

I don't spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I try not to consume myself with thoughts of who might be judging me. And I don't tell people how hard it is to be a single mom, which it is (what I wouldn't give for a dishwasher! And I would be willing to give up many things for a cleaning lady. And could someone please tell C that she can go ahead and like daycare already, so I don't cry every morning before work?). I simply don't see a point in dwelling on all the negatives.

Instead, let's focus on the positives: I have a comfortable apartment in a nice neighborhood. My baby sleeps with me every night. And I feel free.

What about you? Do you or have you judged single moms? How do you feel about being judged yourself?

Marriage & Divorce: Sharing the Details

Sara Olsher — 2012-03-01T23:30:45+00:00

When sharing the news of my divorce with people, I feel very awkward. People usually have the same look of shock on their faces, and I can tell it makes them uncomfortable – especially if we aren’t very close. They want to ask what happened. They want to ask what happened really, really badly. But they don’t, because they don’t want to be nosy. And I appreciate not having to talk about it in detail – but I still feel awkward: should I tell them? Should I keep it to myself? What is the protocol in this situation?

In the very beginning, I really didn’t want to tell people I was getting a divorce at all, let alone the reasons why. My emotional state was a super healthy combination of fear, shame, and embarrassment. When you get married, you check off a certain box on the Success Worksheet, and unchecking that box feels like a huge step backward. And announcing it? It’s like saying to the world, "hey world! I have failed! Look at me!"

It’s especially difficult when you don't know many other divorced people. From the outside, everyone else’s "Marriage" box is checked off in permanent marker. It remains to be seen how many of my friends are actually happy in their marriages, and how many are serving themselves up a big ole plate of denial for breakfast every morning. In short, I’m the first one to get a divorce, and being first sucks. It’s embarrassing.

But, as my mom predicted, I got over the embarrassment pretty quickly. Now I’m just sort of matter-of-fact about it: “Yep, I’m getting a divorce. No, no one cheated.”

People have different reactions. Mostly they want to know what happened, because they never saw us having any problems. Sometimes they want to know simply because they’re curious…but mostly I think they want reassurances: did you always know it wouldn't work out? Did you guys mean "forever" when you said, "I do"? Marriages are hard – are you just quitters? Basically, they want to hear that our relationship was fundamentally different than theirs is. They want to know that nothing is lurking in their marriages, ready to jump out and cause the D-word. They want to know that divorce isn’t contagious.

I can’t give them any of those reassurances, though, because I have no idea what is lurking inside their marriages, just like they didn’t know Divorce was lurking in mine. All we see of one another’s lives is what we choose to share – and most people only share the good stuff. After all, marriages are made up of good, bad, and mundane, and it’s hard to paint an accurate picture of what your marriage really looks like when you can’t share every little detail. I think people are afraid to talk about anything negative because they worry they’ll regret it the next day when the fight is over. Or they’re afraid their friends will judge them. Or that everyone else’s relationship actually is as perfect as it seems, and they’re the only one with major (or not-so-major) problems.

Plus, talking about marital problems can ruin friendships - everyone has a different opinion about what’s acceptable and what isn’t, and you might get a whole lot of unsolicited advice that you don’t agree with if you do choose to open up. And of course, most people only want to hear what they’re willing to confront – and some people will get angry if they hear anything beyond that.

I wasn’t ready to confront the issues that led to the end of our marriage, so I didn’t tell a single soul about them. Sometimes I worry that my friends and family feel betrayed because I was so silent.

I could end this post with a call to action: “let’s not be quiet anymore! Let’s tell the world every little detail, in the name of empowerment! Let’s blog about it!” But I’m not going to. I actually think it’s a good thing that people aren’t sharing every single detail of their married lives on the Internet. In an online world where people can tweet faster than it takes to second-guess themselves, it’s good to know that some things are still sacred. Or if not sacred – at least private. Because too much honesty can come back and bite you in the butt.

Thoughts?

Wish Tree Poster Misprint!

Sara Olsher — 2012-02-26T22:12:05+00:00

Happy Sunday, folks!

I accidentally made a mistake recently when having the Wish Tree Poster printed - I formatted it so the tree is too close to the edge of the poster paper. OOPS. I don't want to sell them at full price, so I'm offering them to you guys at nearly 50% off (plus free shipping within the US).

Normally priced at $55, I have three Wish Tree Posters I'm offering at $30, including shipping. There are only three, though - so order it quickly if the misprint doesn't bother you! Check out the photos above to see the problem. :) Here's the link to the sale posters - get 'em while they're hot!

Here are the deets:

This poster-size wish tree is perfect as a guestbook at a baby shower, rehearsal dinner or intimate wedding. It also makes a great art print for a child's bedroom.

This tree is composed of 31 large circles (~1.5" diameter), 31 medium circles (~1" diameter) and 24 small circles (~3/4" diameter), for a total of 86. The small circles are large enough for guests to sign their names, and the large circles are the perfect size for a short message (or "wish" as the case may be!).

The wish tree poster is a plain tree with no animals or people, and is a standard poster size at 18" x 24". It is printed on beautiful luster gloss poster paper.

If you’ve sent me an email recently…

Sara Olsher — 2012-02-20T18:33:23+00:00

I may have taken a very long time to get back to you. Here’s why.

Literally every aspect of my life is totally up in the air right now. Why? Because -- I can’t believe I’m about to publicly declare this -- I am getting a divorce.

I’m not one for airing my dirty laundry in public, so I am going to be short & sweet about this:

I won’t be talking in great detail about what happened here. I don’t think it’s particularly mature and it’s not good for C. But no, no one cheated.
C and I have moved into a small apartment and are sharing a room. I bought a twin bed for the first time ever. I’m not sure whether I’ll be sharing photos of our space or not, as I am feeling much more private about my life right now. I’m trying to create as relaxing a space as possible for us.
Being a single mom is harder than I ever thought it would be, but not in the way I thought it would be. I feel such an intense need to protect C from this awful situation, and the knowledge that she is now from a “broken home” kills me. But it is better than the alternative, so that brings me some solace. She is doing well and seems relaxed (despite FOUR MOLARS coming in at once, people!).

Overall, we are doing okay, definitely as well as can be expected. I have very much appreciated my clients’ understanding and patience (I swear, I really do have the best clients ever - Amy, I’m especially looking at you!), and all the support I have received from my friends - but especially from my family. I am so incredibly lucky to have my parents.

Please be patient with me as I try to get the details of my new life worked out in the coming months - I will be slower to respond to emails than usual. Thank you.

I Totally Love…Baby Board Books

Sara Olsher — 2012-02-14T18:23:06+00:00

One of C’s favorite things to do is “read.” Before she was one or so, she would enjoy looking at her books by herself, turning the pages. Now she loves to hear us read to her, and often asks me to read the same books over and over again. I once had to hide Where's Spot? after reading it 20 times in a row (literally - I counted). These are some of her favorite books, but there are a LOT more that are equally as good. Stay tuned for part two (and possibly three?) later down the road.

1: Where's Spot? - This is one of my lift-the-flap books from my childhood. It is "well loved" to say the least, but C still adores it even though a few flaps are missing. Spot is missing when it's time for his supper, so his Mama has to look all over the house for him - she finds all sorts of animals (including an alligator under the bed!) before finally finding Spot.

2: Haiku Baby - I'm not a big poetry fan, but C adores this cute little book's bright illustrations. Each page includes a haiku about a different season.

3: Olivia - I LOVE Olivia, and it didn't take much convincing to get C on board too. She's a sassy gal with a big personality and her own strong opinions. A good role model for a little girl, I think.

4: Llama Llama Misses Mama - Ironically C doesn't like me to read this book to her, only Y. I love the Llama Llama books because the illustrations are adorable and they're fun to read. My personal favorite is Llama Llama Red Pajama, but C doesn't like that one (yet).

5: One Moose, Twenty Mice - We borrowed this book from C's best baby friend, and C immediately only wanted to read this and Somewhere So Sleepy (#9 below). This book is great for identifying animals and C has a great time searching for the cat on each page. It's kinda like Where's Waldo for babies.

6: Baby Einstein's First Alphabet - Our friend K gave us this book and C has loved it from day one. It's a simple book with photos of various objects and animals, and has made teaching her different words much easier.

7: Winnie-the-Pooh's Opposites - I actually have no idea why C loves this book so much. To Y and I, the drawings are kind of confusing and it's hard to tell what's happening. But she loves it! (Note: I can't find this one on Amazon to link to it - we got our copy used)

8: Baby Beluga - I grew up with Raffi, so I sing this book to her (and poke her belly when Baby Beluga sings his little song, sings for all his friends). She loves it.

9: Somewhere So Sleepy - Another book borrowed from C's best baby friend and immediately ordered from Amazon so we could have our own copy! C calls this book "night night" and likes to flip to the end where she can pull a paper window shade up and down. This is a lift-the-flap book, which are usually a hit.

Stay tuned, more books will come later - we have quite a few favorites! And of course, I'd love to hear yours!