So, I’ve been losing weight. I’m not sure WTF is going on…except, you know, the not eating thing I periodically do. (Who knew that dealing with a spouse’s affair makes you not hungry? Ever? Not me, but to be real, I wouldn’t recommend this particular diet plan to anyone, spectacular results aside.) So I was starting to feel kind of saucy and sexy and maybe just a little bit NOT THE MOST FAT AND HIDEOUS BITCH EVER.

And then, we go to WalMart. Now you’d think I’d feel even BETTER about myself after going to WalMart because, you know, it’s WALMART, FFS. You’d think that, and you’d be wrong. There I was in my kind of saucy v-neck sweater and my jeans which now require a belt to stay on my ass, and I was feeling kind of good. I was feeling like maybe life was okay…no, I was feeling like maybe *I was kind of okay.

Then, as we’re leaving, some eensy weensy little blonde broad says, “Hi, Bill!” all cute and chipper and pretty and made up and hairsprayed, and my good feeling? Over. Bill explained who she was (someone a friend of his had dated) or whatever, but all I saw was a cute, little blonde saying hi to my husband…while I stand there all fat and not blonde and not cute and not hairsprayed or made up.

On the plus side, I’m going to see New Moon with friends. I’m going to drool a little over rpattz (but not Taylor Lautner – I am old enough to be his MOTHER) and giggle like a little girl about Edward and Bella and squee about what an AWESOME movie it was. And all the time, I’ll be thinking how I’m just not thin enough or pretty enough or…anything enough.

Thanks, insecurity. You’re awesome.

…Linda and Roger McKay gave the world (and particularly me) a really fabulous gift. I thank God every day for this gift, and I wish I had a better way to say “I love you” because sometimes that doesn’t seem like a big enough way to say what I mean.

Happy birthday, Missy. I Star Wars you.

So, I’ve finished a pair of socks for Tricia. And half of a pair for threeundertwo. I would post pictures of these socks, but I’m kind of obsessing on the idea of making my own light box/light tent so that I can take super fabulous pictures of the socks.

I mean, combining two obsessions – knitting and photography. How could this NOT sing to my black and tarry heart? Plus, you know, if I obsess over these things, I will not sit and obsess over WHY IS NO ONE CALLING ME BACK ABOUT A FUCKING JOB ALREADY?

I swear to you guys, the idea of opening an Etsy starts getting more and more appealing the longer it takes for me to find work. And I could TOTALLY understand it, if I had given links to my blog and shit. I mean, HELLO? Who would hire a sailorrific, melodramatic diva who regularly bitches and moans about about anything that crosses her mind? Right, no one. Well, I’d TOTALLY hire someone like that, but you know, I’m biased. But whatever.

So, yeah. There you go. Lots of random words that didn’t really say anything. I like to think of that as my style. I mean, it’s a thing, right?

So, if you don’t read Jaci (which…WTF? You don’t read Jaci?), you’re probably wondering what all the references to her have been about, so I’ll tell you. Jaci’s situation is what inspired the cheating series. Which I would take back, if I could. I really, really would. Aside from how much it hurt someone I like, it was written in ignorance and is incredibly painful for me to read these days.

Since I can’t take that back, I’m going to talk about some things I did/said that were, from my new perspective, the shittiest, worst things I could have done to a friend going through this. Maybe it’ll help someone else avoid the same mistakes. Maybe it’ll help someone else keep a friendship they treasure.

1. No one wants or needs your advice. If your friend comes to you and cries and bitches and screams and rants and then cries some more, your job is so to say, “OMG, honey! I am so, so, so sorry. How can I help? Is there anything you need?” That’s it. That’s all. They aren’t asking you for advice; they’re asking you to listen while they attempt to get rid of some of the emotional garbage.
2. Trashing the wayward spouse doesn’t help the betrayed spouse; it just makes them feel even worse because now they’re not just married to a cheater, they’re married to a cheating ASSHOLE…which makes the betrayed spouse feel about an inch tall since, in the BS’ head, the BS already sucks pretty hard for not being able to keep their WS from wandering. (It takes time to really and truly believe you’re not responsible at all for your spouse’s affair.)
3. Now is not the time to point out things the BS can change. (It’s the advice thing.) Let the BS feel what they feel. Do not invalidate them by saying, “Well, but if you don’t do XYZ, your marriage is DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!!” By the time they’re receptive to this kind of advice (which, again – DO NOT GIVE ANY ADVICE), they’ll have already come across it in a Google search. So you can be happy that you get to just stick to be Supportive, Loving Friend and not, you know, Low-Rent Dr. Phil.
4. While it is very helpful to hear how many other people have gone through this and how they coped, it is less helpful when someone assumes that because they did XYZ, everyone else in this situation will do/is doing the same thing. We all handle this differently. I, for example, am blogging about it, but I know plenty of people who would rather shoot themselves in the face than put this out there for complete strangers to read. And that’s okay. We’re all different. But it’s something to keep in mind – just because YOU did XYZ doesn’t mean I’M doing that. And look, I don’t mind hearing about it – I just get pissed when people assume that I’m behaving a certain way because that’s how they themselves behaved.

Basically, what I’m saying here is your job, when you’re helping a friend going through this, is to just listen and love. They’re not coming to you for help. They’re just venting some of the pain. There’s nothing you can or should do for them (unless they very clearly and specifically ASK for your advice or help; and no, writing a blog post about how they feel today is not a cry for help or advice; it’s just venting), aside from being there to listen.

So. There you have it. Also? Today is one of the good days. I’m feeling pretty hopeful. So how ’bout let’s not start any wars in the comment section, hey?

First, I want to clear up something because I know not everyone reads the comments. MayoPie was not implying that the betrayed spouse gets any blame. He’s admitted his wording could have been clearer. On my part, I was using his comment as a jumping off point to address what is, IMO, pretty common thinking – that the betrayed spouse could have prevented the cheating. I’ve apologized for not being clearer there. But that is not what I want to post about today. (Frankly, I’m exhausted from just reading the comment section from yesterday’s post. I have no desire to open another can o’ worms.)

So today’s post? Socks. I finally finished a pair of socks. AND THEY ARE WEARABLE. Which is a new thing since I could not master the effing bind off so that the recipient could, oh, IDK, actually get the sock over their foot? So yeah, thanks to Jeny’s Suprisingly Stretch Bind Off*, sock bind off? MASTERED. My MIL is now the proud owner of her first pair of Steph’s socks. HOW CUTE ARE THESE THINGS?

SO CUTE!

I tinkered with the ribbing a little since I didn’t want the socks to be TOTALLY plain. I’m in love with it.

How awesome, right?

I love knitting socks, by the way. Actually, I love anything knitted in the round. You just knit and knit and knit. No purling (unless you wanna), no turning the work, just the soothing action of knit, knit, knit. I predict that many of you giveaway folks are gonna be getting socks. (What? I still have a coupla months before my year is up.) Knitting is better than therapy sometimes. I AM SERIOUS. STOP LAUGHING.

So yeah, I accomplished something this week. That makes me feel good.

*JSSBO is fucking MAGICAL. Seriously. I want to marry Jeny Staiman. Or at least make out with her. DON’T JUDGE ME.

MayoPie said something in comments yesterday that I want to address in a post because, frankly, I think it needs addressed, and I don’t want my response to be missed. Let me state, for the record, I’m not mad at Clay for saying it – I said something very similar in the now heartily ironic cheating series.

Anyway, Clay said:

Hmmmm… toughie. He’s going to say whatever he thinks he has to say to a) not hurt you anymore than he already has and b) to get out of trouble. There is truth, for sure, but as you stated, the complaints about you aren’t falling on you. Rather than talking through his issues with you, he goes elsewhere, and it doesn’t take much more than a sympathetic and understanding female telling you how awesome you are to make you forget that you have a life that’s very important to you. It’s something about our penises. But if he tells you his problems with you, he hurts you, which I know he doesn’t want to do. So he keeps it to himself and seeks out what he’s not getting from you elsewhere. Unfortunately, it’s extremely common. The problem now, as I see it, is whether or not you’ll ever be able to stop punishing him for making you feel this pain, which is natural. He’ll take it for awhile because he’s in the soup, but eventually he’ll tire of it and it may be the very thing he uses an excuse to stray again. I know you want to make this work, and as hard is this is to do, you have to forgive him fully. Otherwise you won’t make it. At least not happily. I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you do work through it.

This, my friends, is blame shifting to the Nth degree. This says to a betrayed spouse, “If you had only been more approchable/sympathetic/understanding/whatever, this wouldn’t have happened.” And that? Is crap. This isn’t about what the betrayed spouse did; it’s about what the wayward spouse did.

Let’s say that I was completely unapproachable and unsympathetic. Let’s say I failed to understand what Bill was saying to me. (I do not agree that these things are true, but for the sake of argument, let’s go with it for now.) Bill had options. He could talk to me, or if that was impossible for some reason, he could leave the marriage. Betraying his spouse should not have ever, ever been an option.

Most of the spouses I know are not telepaths. They are not mind readers. If a husband (or wife) has needs that aren’t being met in the marriage, then he (or she) should discuss that with his/her partner or leave. Period. The idea that from now on, I have to watch what I say just in case Bill decides to go wandering is absolutely and completely repellent to me.

I am not the one who fucked up here. After all, I was in the same goddamn marriage, and I sure as shit wasn’t out trolling for dick, online or off. The problem here isn’t me and what I’m doing or not doing – it’s the fact that Bill chose to get his needs met in an inappropriate way. THAT is on him. (SurvivingInfidelity.com says you are responsible for 50% of your marriage’s problems, but 0% of your spouse’s affair. I heartily agree.)

I’m not saying I’m a perfect wife or that there aren’t changes I need to make. I fully embrace that idea. However, one of the changes I will not make is to sit and cater to Bill’s every need or possible need to make sure he doesn’t “stray” again. Cheating on your spouse is NOT your spouse’s fault – it is YOUR fault. YOU made a choice to betray your spouse instead of talking with him/her or getting out of the marriage.

All that said, I agree with Clay about the problem – Bill didn’t want to talk to me. Bill didn’t want to have the “hard” conversations. We’ve hashed this out repeatedly, and he assures me that from here on out, if there’s a problem with me, he’ll come to me. Or if he’s feeling insecure, he’ll talk about that. On my part, I’ve promised to be open and receptive to what he has to say, even if it hurts/pisses me off/whatever. So far, so good…but then, it’s only been 23 days* since I found out, so we’ll see.

As for punishing him? Uh, no. I understand that beating the crap out of him over this doesn’t do either of us a bit of good. Hurting Bill doesn’t make me feel even one bit better, so why would I do that? Have I said things I shouldn’t have? Probably. Have I apologized for those things and gone on to be more respectful and receptive? Yup, sure have. Has Bill owned his shit and apologized? He sure has.

So, the problem, as I see it, isn’t whether or not I can forgive Bill and behave in a manner that ensures he doesn’t stray again so much as whether or not Bill has decided whether or not he wants to be a faithful, honest partner in an open, truthful, loving marriage – because unless he’s decided that issue, it doesn’t make a fuck what I decide. If he’s going to “stray” again, it won’t be anything I’ve done or not done; it’ll be that he’s chosen to handle marital problems in a completely inappropriate and hurtful way.

For the record, I have made a decision that I want to forgive him so that we can move forward with our lives, but I’ll be goddamned if that means I have to mollycoddle Bill to make sure he stays faithful. If THOSE are the terms under which we can stay together, it’s best if we end this shit right now. Because that’s what that is – absolute shit.

*Not that I’m counting or anything. Also, I don’t know how y’all roll, but I can’t pick out a pair of fucking shoes in 23 days, much less decide whether or not my cheating husband is now a faithful husband. So, if you’re already tired of hearing about how I’m still upset and hurt? You probably better move on – I don’t think I’m going to get over this in the next day or even the next week.

P.S. Jaci? I owe you a zillion apologies. I also owe you a zillion thanks for your support and the SI link.

P.P.S. I have to go do some job search type shit today, so I will be late in answering the rest of the comments. I’m sorry, y’all.

So, I don’t plan on turning this blog into some OMFG POST AFFAIR blog, but I’m not going to ignore it, either. This is the biggest thing in my life right now. Bigger than living with my in-laws, bigger than a job search, bigger than anything being thrown at me right now. So I’m going to talk about it.

First and foremost, unless this has happened to you, you don’t know. Prior to this, I said I’d bail if Bill ever cheated. I meant that shit. Until I found that goddamn IM window, the one in which Bill told some complete fucking stranger that he really wished I’d say I was leaving. The one where he implied he was only with me for the sake of our children.

Even then, my initial impulse was to go. To get the fuck out and never look back. That sorry bastard wants me to say I’m leaving? Wish motherfucking granted, I’m out. But then, Bill physically blocked me from getting my kids and going. Which made me shove him. I just wanted to run as far and fast as I could because…well, because who stays with a cheating cheater who cheats? What kind of idiot does that?

Well, me. I love Bill. I want this to work. He says he loves me and wants this to work. Do I believe him? Some days. Other days, I replay that IM in my mind. Or I replay his Facebook message to Rebecca Sliger Mote (remember the sexy lyrics broad? Yeah.) about how he didn’t tell me they’d lived together because I’d already made him delete one Facebook friend. Or maybe an e-mail to Katie Korte about how our relationship was “iffy” (two months before our wedding) and how he always thought they’d work out differently.

Writing all that, I’m asking myself yet again why I’m staying. Why I’m setting myself up for more of the same. I mean, he’s been deceitful our entire marriage. He’s telling me he loves me and wants to marry me…while telling Katie Korte I suck. Then, there are all these female friends he had and didn’t bother to mention – if it’s innocent, why hide it? And of course, let’s not forget the full-on online affair he was having just a few weeks ago.

I’ll talk to Bill about it, and he’ll have some soothing words for me about how he was insecure, this isn’t my fault, etc, and I’ll believe it, at least for a little while, because I want to believe it. I want to believe that he loves me, and we’re going to be okay. Some days are just harder than others when it comes to believing. Today’s one of those days.

So, I realized that killing my blog is like killing a piece of me. And that while I am responsible for 50% of my marriage’s problems, I’m 0% responsible for Bill’s affair. So I’m not going to punish myself for that, and let’s be honest – killing my blog is a punishment for me.

Beyond that, a little update – after finding out about the affair, I went through Bill’s e-mails and found a few other things. I’m not going to go into details, but I will say the things I found were incredibly hurtful and disrespectful. Bill has apologized and attempted to explain, and for now, I’m still here. Will that remain the case? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. Some days, I feel like it’s doable. We can work this out. Other days? I’d like very much to punch him in the nuts…with a car. So, I guess we’ll see.

In other news, we’ve moved back in with my in-laws. Which is stressful for everyone involved. My in-laws are great for allowing us to live here again, but I’d be a lying whore if I said I wasn’t ready to have my own place RIGHT NOW. So, you know, if you see some ads you think are interesting, click away. It’ll help us get out on our own which can only be a positive change. And you like to help with positive changes, right?

Anyway. I’m back. I will eventually get caught up on other blogs. Really. I will.

So, after a lot of talking, Bill and I have decided to try to make this work. While he hasn’t once accused me of having any responsibility for what he did, I feel partly responsible for fostering conditions that made it hard for him to come and talk to me.

He says he felt like I checked out on our marriage, that I was just here because I didn’t have other options. That? Broke my heart nearly as much as finding that stupid fucking IM window did. Does this excuse his behavior? Fuck no, it does not. He had multiple opportunities to address this with me. There were several occasions that I opened the door for him to say, “Well, now that you mention it, I don’t feel appreciated or loved anymore.” He chose, instead, to say things were fine…and then go IM his whore* to talk about what a hag I am.

So I’m not owning this affair, even a little. That’s allllll on him, and while I’m doing my damnedest not to beat him over the head with it, I don’t blithely trust him, and I expect it will be quite some time before I’m completely at ease with him using a computer anywhere. (Turns out he was IM’ing this whore while he was at work, too.) But I own that I had checked out. I own that I’m not always terribly approachable, especially if he’s going to criticize. I’ll work on those things. He’ll work on getting back my trust. We’ll see how it goes.

But that’s really just backstory for the main point. I’ve realized that I checked out of “real” life for online life. In my own way, I’m just as guilty as Bill is in finding a life online instead of working on the life that’s right here at my house, with my family. I spend too much time online doing things that don’t benefit the Peterson-Ferrel Family Corporation.

This is not to say that I don’t care about my friends here. I’ve cried nearly as much about the kindness and support I’ve gotten from my friends here as I have about Bill being a cheating cheater who cheats. I’ve heard about other women who have had this happen to them. I’ve gotten e-mails letting me know that if I need to hide any bodies, I’ll have ample help in doing so. I’ve had offers for places for me and the kids to live. It has truly been overwhelming to me.

However, it’s time for me to sign on less and be present for my family more. It’s time for me to realize that blogging ABOUT my husband isn’t as important as talking TO my husband. In short, it’s time for me to bid my blog a fond adieu. I’m not saying goodbye to any of you, though. I have e-mail, and I WILL use it. I also think I’ll probably still use my LiveJournal occasionally. If you’re interested in reading me there, shoot me an e-mail at stephmsdiva[at]gmail[dot]com**, and we’ll talk.

Once again, thank you to every last one of you who read these babblings and rantings. Thank you to every last one of you that made me believe that Bill and I can and will get through this. Or that I’d be able to hide his body, if we couldn’t. I love you people. Please stay in touch…or at least be ready when I’m all up in your inbox all day. :grin:

*I do not use the term “whore” without just cause, IMO. sunnypatch101@yahoo.ca*** is cheating on her husband IRL in addition to her online time with Bill (and who knows who else).

**Note that at the end of this month, steph[at]quirkyblogger[dot]com won’t be a working e-mail address. So, update your address books now, hey? ;)

***Yes, that’s her actual e-mail. No, I don’t give a fuck. I’d have linked to her MySpace page, too, except I’d be even more humiliated than I already am when y’all saw what a fucking loser she is…yet she was the one with whom Bill chose to betray me. UPGRADE, William. Up-motherfucking-grade. FFS.

So, remember all that shit I wrote about cheating a while back? Remember how I was all smug and self-righteous and oh-so-sure it could never, ever happen to me? Yeah? I was wrong. Very wrong, as it turns out, and if my guesstimate is correct, Bill’s Internet affair was happening then.

Yes, kids, you read that right – Bill’s Internet affair. With a married woman. And for once in my life, I truly understand what it’s like to have Fate laugh in your face and make you eat every fucking word you’ve said/written. Because that’s happening to me right. now.

So. First and foremost, I want to apologize for that whole cheating series. Because I really didn’t see this coming. I didn’t see any warning signs. No suspicious behaviors. So how did I find out? Well, I signed on to Bill’s computer to play Mafia Wars because my computer lags a little. And instead of using the kidsadmin account, as I normally would (gotta let the guy have some privacy), I just went ahead and signed on to Bill’s account. I figured, “What the hell? I’m just going to check Facebook and log right back out. It’ll be fine.”

Except for the IM window that was still open. The IM window that completely and utterly devastated me. And here’s where I eat MORE of my own words. When I’ve read about this kind of thing, I’m like, “Oh, it’s going to be okay. It’s not like he was REALLY cheating.” Oh yes, it IS like he was really cheating, and it gets down in your gut and starts eating until you feel empty and numb inside.

Right now, I’m so angry and hurt that I have no idea what I’m going to do. My first instinct is to get out of Dodge because I can’t cope with this. I don’t want to be the angry, bitter, paranoid wife. I don’t want to spend my life worried that it’s going to happen again. I don’t want my children to grow up in a house where Daddy cheats, but it’s okay.

My trust in Bill, my utter and complete faith that he took our vows seriously is absolutely gone, and I don’t know if I can get that back. Couple this with his lay off, and I’m all in, guys. So, if you don’t see me online for a while, you’ll know why.

*I’m keeping comments off on this post because I just can’t deal with them right now**. I probably won’t get around to answering comments on old posts, either. Please don’t be offended by this. I really don’t mean for anyone to think I don’t care. I do care. I just have to deal with my shitty, fucked up life for a while.

**Also? I don’t want to hear the “I told you so” bullshit or any cawing and crowing that I got a comeuppance I so richly deserved.