Soap in your eye

TE XXX - Love and Really Big Guns!!! (Episode 1)

2012-06-26T15:46:00.000+12:00

Q: What do Treve, Dready, Davidge and I (see photo over there on the right for our ugly mugs) have in common with Britney Spears?

A: Oops! We did it again!
(lookie - I added a totally high quality Mars video just for wee Dready. It's coz I care, you know).

Anyhoo - yes - after years of blood,sweat and tears (and a few months of me sitting on the finished podcasts and just not bothering to post them) we have completed our ~~Magnet Oprahs~~ Magnum Opus - TE XXX: Love and Really Big Guns!!! But before we proceed with your misery (listening to this drivel) I would like to take a teensy, tiny, little morsel-ette of your time so you can give due consideration tof our misery in actually creating this nonsense. To make this monstrousity we ...

Got together at Treve's place almost every Monday (when it wasn't raining and when Davidge wasn't playing squash and when no-one else had anything better to do ... you know, like washing our bald-spots or building replica Star Wars models out of cheese off-cuts).
On those evenings we would spend at least 45 minutes talking in a very vague and non-commital way about plot ideas and possible joke-opportunities while Dready wrote the actual script.
We had to drink some really quite ordinary Whiskey and smell some quite staggeringly awful farts.
We watched some really funny episodes of "The Young Ones" that reminded how crap our stuff was by comparison.
We watched some really un-funny episodes of "The Comic Strip Presents ..." that should have reminded us that our stuff was quite good by comparison but actually showed us how embarrassing it is to fail abjectly at comedy.
We watched some hilarious episodes of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" that was really just respite to ensure we kept turning up Monday after Monday.
We dragooned various friends and relatives (including my poor, long-suffering father) into coming along and acting for a day of recording - aided only by the lure of free booze (and what does that say about our friends and relatives? Mainly that they're smarter than we are).
Treve somehow cajoled his talented fellow band-members - well what was left of them at the time - to play on the songs. Unfortunately we then had to destroy the creativity by singing.
We spent still more hideously tedious more Mondays in adding sound-effects and doing edits. And all for you you ingrates. You may not fully appreciate it but these podcasts could be even less funny! Sacre bleu! Surely not! I hear you say but it's true.
Then - as I mentioned - I sat on the files for a few months before posting ... well, I have work to do, you know (not to mention a reputation as a slack bastard that I have to preserve).
Oh the Humanity!

So yes. Kings, Gods, Creators we!

And now, without further ~~adieus~~ ado, fellow internet-idlers , the time has finally come for the Initial Public Outing of the deformed, mutant progeny of our individually and collectively warped imaginations that is - TE XXX:: Love and Really Big Guns!!! (Episode 1)

(Warning: SoapInYourEye.co.nz, Foooood Corporation and Cookie Cola take no responsibility - like none, nada, zlch, notheringos, dude - for any re-emetic re-engagements (either end) arising from listening to the aforementioned podcast. We are, like, sooooo of the hook if it makes you puke or crap or die or any shit like that. Just saying, OK.)

New post please.

2010-08-08T22:26:00.001+12:00

Rog?

And now for something completely different ...

2010-02-26T11:44:00.008+13:00

Because it can't all be the hair-rending, heart-aching misery of our failed attempts at comedy we'd like to touch briefly on a recent controversy that has arisen here in quiet, sunny, freedom-loving, egalitarian New Zealand.

A group here have been attempting to reproduce the Atheist Bus Campaigns that recently took place in Britain (initially) and later in continental Europe and the United States. The campaign just involved about raising a small amount of money and purchasing advertising space on buses to state "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life" - as innocuous and harmless a message as you're likely to find.

The money was duly raised and the advertising duly commissioned but - and this is the worrying part - a few stalwarts of the religious right started exerting their insidious influence on the bus company. A little later the bus company (and there's really only one here in little, old New Zealand - hey, they're even called "The New Zealand Bus Company") pulled out citing their right to "to decline ads that we see as controversial or divisive.

The website of the campaign can be found here.
And a local news report on the decision is here.
The "contact us" page of The New Zealand Bus Company is here.
You can email them to express your views with this link.

Anyway, Damon is rallying the troops to send messages to the bus company. We'd encourage anyone - whether atheist or religious - who values freedom of expression to also make contact with the bus company and express their concern.

Here is what I sent to them:

"Dear New Zealand Bus Company,

I am emailing you to express my very great disappointment in your decision not to proceed with the advertising that was to be purchased by the Atheist Bus Campaign. That decision does a great disservice to the public of New Zealand, to principles of freedom of expression and to your company's reputation.

I am the first to acknowledge that this is a free country, that NZ Bus is a private company and as such you have no obligation to proceed with any advertising. You have the right to choose what adverts you include and do not include on your buses. However, the way in which you exercise that right reflects on how you are perceived as an organisation. This decision leads me - and I suspect many others - to see your company as - at best - amoral, prudish and susceptible to bullying tactics and - at worst - as intolerant, prejudiced and disrespectful of fundamental human rights.

Your company may fear alienating New Zealand's largely christian population but I would draw your attention to the most recent national census:

http://www.stats.govt.nz/Census/2006CensusHomePage/QuickStats/quickstats-about-a-subject/culture-and-identity/religious-affiliation.aspx

This survey - of the entire New Zealand population - does indicate that roughly 56% of the population is christian, However, it also indicates that 35% of the population professes "No Religion". Furthermore, this category of "No Religion" is almost double the size of the largest single christian denomination. To that I'd finally add that the "No Religion" group is steadily increasing from census to census and that in younger age groups it is by far the largest religions category - nearing 50% in the 20-30 age group,

Your company's claim - that you reserve the right not to use advertising that is controversial or divisive - is spurious and difficult to support.
I'd draw your attention to the following points:
* The Atheist Bus Campaign offers a positive message - not an attack on theism.
* The campaign does not attack any particular religion or denomination.
* The wording of the campaign is non-confrontational and inoffensive - the atheist equivalent of "God bless you" or "Have a Nice Day"
* The wording of the campaign actively invites doubt through the use of the word "Probably".
* NZ Bus have advertised many other messages that make claims that are both more contentious and more targetted to offend.
* NZ Bus has shown religious advertising that offends (and attacks) me - as an atheist - and quite possibly many other religions and denominations.

The only conclusion I can draw is that the New Zealand Bus Company falls into one of two categories:
One possibility is that NZ Bus is a typically amoral private enterprise, fearful of losing revenue by alienating customers and frightened by the invective sent your way by religious bigots. If this is the case then I'd draw your attention to the statistical information and suggest that most likely New Zealanders will not even care about these adverts and potentially the very large group of non-religious New Zealanders will be actively upset by NZ Bus's actions.

The alternative is that New Zealand Bus is - through its management and executive - taking an active moral stand in favour of theistic, religious intolerance and against the fundamental human right of freedom of expression. If this is the case NZ Bus is actively saying to New Zealand "The christians are right. The atheists are wrong. And furthermore, they should be denied the right to make even the most light-weight public assertion of their views." If this is the case then I am genuinely appalled and will look on all New Zealand Bus's future actions with suspicion and distrust. I will seek to place my transportation business elsewhere and I will actively encourage friends and family to do likewise. I will look into what other businesses New Zealand Bus is involved with and treat them with the same suspicion.

So, I urge you in the strongest possible terms to revisit this decision. I am hopeful that your company has simply been bullied into believing they'll lose business if they proceed with the campaign. I - on the other hand - am very confident in the intelligence and insight of my fellow New Zealanders. I am sure that the vast majority of New Zealanders will recognise the harmlessness of the Atheist Bus Campaign and furthermore recognise that it's inclusion on the buses of the New Zealand Bus Company is no more an endorsement of atheism by your company than the inclusion of adverts for Foodotwn is an endorsement of their supermarkets. Please reconsider your decision and don't deny your fellow New Zealanders their rights just to appease a tiny minority of thin-skinned, narrow-minded "believers" whose almighty God is so fragile he can be threatened by a cheerful, off-hand message on the side of a bus.

Best regards,
Gordon Inkson"

.. and now let the unfunniness (or more realistically the stony silence) continue. Bye for now, humour-haters ;-)

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 10 - If I were a Hero

2010-01-15T17:14:00.007+13:00

Well - I didn't want to do it but they made me - the b*st*rds.

Treve still thinks the song is quite good (we didn't have the heart to tell him the truth) so he's pushing to get it out on the blog. I suspect The Void have an album coming our or are doing support for the Led Zeppelin come-back tour or something. Who knows? And Damon - well that guy's such a f**king control-freak that it was just driving him mental that there was an episode missing. He keeps counting on his fingers and looking for a sharp knife every time he gets to ten - the psycho. As for Davidge he's just been round my house every other night with a squash-racquet, a bottle of bourbon and a homicidal attitude, spray-painting rude messages and frightening the children. That guy is INTENSE - I can tell you. If you've met him you'll know what I'm talkin' about.

I mean - never mind that no-one - well no-one in their right minds - would listen to this nonsense even ONCE. Let alone continue to do so after nine - count 'em : NINE! - effing episodes. These lunatics I work with - and I don't use that word lightly (lunatics, I mean, not Work which I'm actually kinda comfortable with even if my boss might disagree).

Anway, these lunatics - Treve, Damon and Davidge (and what kind of names are those anyway?) - they STILL want to get our stuff out there to thosr crazies still listening after all that other garbage we've posted.

Well - I'm always one to bow to peer-pressure - you just need to look at my collection of smurfs, my bar-tab or my criminal record to understand that - so, without further ado, here it is Episode 10 of TE V: Just in Time to Die - If I were a Hero!

And if you're still too stupid to GO AWAY! then I guess I should tell you that we are - stupidly, I don't doubt - still working on TE XXX: Love and Really Big Guns (the blockbuster sequel to this pile of tadd-pole turds). So, come back real soon - like maybe some time in 2015 at our current rate of progress - and maybe you can get some more of this shite, you gluttons for punishment.

Later - people.

(Much, much later - Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!)

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 9 - Cookie is the Greatest!

2009-09-25T15:15:00.004+12:00

Well then, die-hards, we're nearly all done. Here comes Episode 9 and Episode 10 is the Last One.

The nice people at FeedBurner have shown that Episodes 7 and 8 were the least popular of all time which I for one am quite excited about. If anyone was put-off by the fact that Episode 8 got released ahead of Episode 7 (briefly) then I sincerely apologize. However, I'm always one to look for silver-linings and what I've come up with is the following:

Clearly the whole thing's not as incoherent as we though - for a while I thought that if we jumbled it up and just played them in any old order no-one would be any the wiser. If that's not the case then - YAY! (Go us!).
Perhaps we've demonstrated that we have actually made the whole story in advance and we're not just winging it producing episode-by-episode week-by-week.
We've demonstrated that the belief that 8 is a lucky number is just so much superstition (I've really just added this one because two bullet-points seems a bit weak).

Anyway - without further going-on-and-on-about-last-week's-scre-up-in-the-inane-belief-it-might-stir-up-a-smidgeon-of-sympathy - we now offer you ...

TE V : Just in Time to Die! Episode 9 - Cookie is the Greatest!

(in which - you'll be distressed to hear - I sing. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 8 - Many Hands Make Short Work

2009-09-10T17:16:00.004+12:00

Don't say a thing.

Don't say one single thing.

Just take a deep-breath, count to a million and then curse my name while flatulating vigorously and profusely in whatever direction you'd like to believe I'm in.

Then, when you've got it all out of your system - careful! Don't poop by mistake! - just relax, sit-back and enjoy - TE the Bubble V - Just in time to DIE! : Episode 8 - Many Hands Make Short Work

(And if all of that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to you then you've not been following the debacle of this week's posting. If you like tales of other's incompetence then go back and read the previous Blog entry. You'll be laughing 'at' not 'with' I can assure you).

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 7 - Frankly's Pad AND Episode 8 - Many Hands Make Short Work

2009-09-07T11:11:00.021+12:00

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE (Yes, I know...):
So - it looks like iTunes only likes to have one Podcast-per-Blog Entry so I've added another Blog Entry to hold Episode 8. I'll leave it here, too, just in case any poor soul actually reads this stuff.

(I think I'll go off some place and sob for a bit. Don't mind me)

REALLY, REALLY, SUPER-IMPORTANT, CRITICAL UPDATE:

(like so important it merits this butt-ugly yellow-and-red-and-bold-and-funny-font-I-stole-from-some-dude-who-actually-knows-how-to-do-this-stuff Important):

OK - Now I feel like a complete tosser. I've only gone and released episode 8 ahead of episode 7. So, as a new added bonus - please find here Episodes seven AND eight. Don't say I don't ever make a total balls-up of something and then a horrifically half-assed attempt to sort it out afterwards, for you. That's all I can say.

(What a klutz, eh?)

(I hope this works with Feedburner and iTunes and all that complicated stuff)

(I blame the mf-ing fish, quite frankly)

Well - it's Monday again and that's the day of the week when I get particularly enthused about my work and really knuckling under and getting stuff doneTM. Yup i it's good ol' productive, useful Monday. I'm really going to be good, hard-working and conscientious . I'm going to get my timesheets in early and produce some top-quality work and earn my bonus. Heck, I might even make something and supply it to some customers - they'll be so surprised they'll drop their "Going-out-of-business-coz-our-vendor-is-a-lazy-self-serving-*($)#$@!" signs.

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

I wonder if they'd like it if I made it in blue. I should probably look into that on the internet.

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .

I wonder if anyone's posted amusing video of their cat on YouTube?

. . .

. . . .

. . . . .
I can't believe it's 11:23 already. It's been two weeks since I posted Ep6 - A Lab Trevolt and apparently it's been downloaded 277 times. So - it must be time for me to offer the next beautiful offering from TE the Bubble V : Just in Time To Die *

Click here ... no here! ... ha-ha ... how about here?

Oh very well - that's a bit lame - even I have to admit it.

Click here (well over there--> really) so you can pretend to enjoy TE the Bubble V - Just in time to DIE! : Episode 7 - Many Hands Make Short Work

(What the hey? It could be better than working ** ... why not take a chance on your employer's dime?)

NOW WITH NEW, ADDED FISH!!! (Just like Monty Python only not funny)

* For the curious there are 10 episodes altogether so fret-ye-not, masochists, the end is in sight :) And after that there will be months before TE XXX : Love and Really Big Guns is ready. So yes, respite is near.

** Unless you're like, I don't know, an Astronaut or a lego-brick designer or a paleontologist of some cool thing like that. Anyone like that out there? If so, how can I get a start?

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 6 - A Lab Trevolt

2009-08-24T10:15:00.004+12:00

Just when you thought it was safe to open your ears and go online ... we now bring you! ...

TE the Bubble V - Just in Time to Die!: Episode 6 - A Lab Trevolt

(Just because we hate everyone and think you all need a taste of our suffering)

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 5 - Ultra Cow Mega Bruiser

2009-08-10T14:40:00.007+12:00

I think you should all know that I wrote a really, really funny blog entry and Google ate it up and now it's gone. I'll bet they couldn't believe how elbow-achingly funny it was and so pilfered it for their next ad campaign - ~~Bastards~~ Dunkheads!

Anyway, the key point is I'm now introducing you to - LIVE ON THE INTERNET!!! * the next exciting episode of TE the Bubble V: Just in Time to Die!. Yes, this is it - Episode 5: Ultra-cow-mega-bruiser. This episode contains:

The one - the only - Tilly!!! Mc!!! Fluff!!!!!!
Gentle mocking of Microsoft Office and Microsoft Windows (coz that's new).
A cool sound-effect we made with a balloon (I think it was a balloon).
A plausible, coherent and sensible explanation for the whole damn thing **
Nude pictures of Treve ***
Winning lottery numbers ****
A Re-animated Dinosaur *****

Anyway, without further pre-amble I offer to you now TE the Bubble V - Just in Time to Die!: Episode 5 - Ultra-Cow-Mega-Bruiser

(And we declare right now that we take no responsiblility for any subsequent problems such as inability to sleep, emotional distress (anything from vague irritation to volcanic rage) or loss of will to live).

* Not actually live - some or all of this podcast is pre-recorded.
** It doesn't, of course, I leave the very concoction of any viable hypothetical possible explanation as an exercise for the devoted reader.
*** Removed for hygiene reasons.
**** It doesn't contain winning Lotter Numbers, of course, but I am getting so into those snowflake/star/asterisk thingies!
***** Sorry - no dinosaur (See above) but a dinosaur mention should help our Hit-count/Google-rating. Dinosaurs are very "in" right now.

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 4 - CLOG

2009-07-27T09:59:00.006+12:00

[Warning! Spoiler alert for TE XXX : Love and Really Big Guns! Coming soon(ish) to a podcast near you]

It's Monday Morning. I'm at wo-ork. (So bored)
Posting Podcasts again. Why do I bother? (Because you're stupid, Ro-og).

[End of Spoiler - Hope I didn't spoil it for you :) ]

Yes - here it is Episode 4 (of TE the Bubble V: Just in Time to Die - Episode 4 : Clog, stupid-o!).

Enjoy!
(Or don't. Why should I care?)

PS - That was a complete lie about TE XXX coming soon. You must realise that we're talking 2012 (if we live that long).

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 3 - Warren and Jeremy

2009-07-13T11:41:00.006+12:00

Well - the fans have spoken.

Yes, your ongoing silence and continued refusal to make any criticism whatsoever speaks volumes for the reverence and awe you all have for TE the Bubble V: Just in time to DIE! Here are just a few of the star-struck comments that we haven't received in response to Episode 2: Boo-boo the Floppy.

"I almost wet myself laughing"
- Max (2 of Grey Lynn)

"I didn't think they could make a worse episode than episode 1. I was wrong."
- Kerr (80+ of Northcote)

"We'll review anything if the money's good. But these cheapskates stiffed us on the free Pizza - no Anchovies! - so we'd say Episode 2 of Just in Time to DIE! is the worst episode 2 since "Joanie loves Cookie: The Catatonic Hebephrenic Years". Suck on that, Earthlings!"
- Bing and Anus (1.5243 X 102 Intergalactic Ubervision)

So, in the face of such devoted outpourings it is time to release you from your torment and permit you to download and listen to the latest installment from our previous

So, here it is folks - in all its ignominy - Episode 3: Warren and Jeremy

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 2 - Boo-boo the Floppy

2009-06-30T17:58:00.007+12:00

Well we could all die (Yes! Both of us) waiting for Dread to post episode 2.

So, as always, I - Cookie the Crumb - must step up to the plate and make good on other's commitments to the common good. If you listen and it doesn't make any sense then obviously you're a bit slow and need help or coaching or a swift kick to the head - I don't know. Anyway, perhaps something a little simpler might be more your line - maybe watching paint dry.

Alternatively, if you're not slow and just got fed up and bored waiting for Dreaddy then you could consider listening (or even re-listening) to Episode 1 - Arse end of the Universe. Heck, why not do it anyway ... maybe two or three times - just in case you miss something that will be important later. Perhaps you should play it to your children ... or your cat (or iguana if that's more your line). Anyway, the more the better I think is the general lesson here.

Episode 2 still won't make sense after all that but our hit-count goes up :)
Anyway, without further ado - Part Two of Te the Bubble: Just in Time to Die ... Here!

(This one's got Boo-boo the Floppy in it and that's usually good for a laugh)

Shall we replace all the swearwords in the old tapes?

2009-05-25T20:16:00.003+12:00

I want to do a George Lucas and change the classics. I suggest we take all the "bastards" out of the old tapes we've recorded. I'd also like to take out any other offensive references in the recordings - such as the nasty comments we made about about our lord, Jesus Christ. Any thoughts?

Just in time to DIE! : Episode 1 - the Arse End of the Universe

2009-05-18T19:48:00.007+12:00

This isn't the first T.E the bubble recording we've done. Nor, sadly, is it the last. However it is the first of the last one we recorded. And it is the first to appear on the INTERNET!

To clarify: We've been recording these "radio plays" since 1983 - originally on a tape deck, then 4 track and finally, at some point in the 21st century, digital; You know, with zeros and ones.

And because we're too lazy and embarassed to convert the earlier recordings into digital, we're just going to start with this one - our last attempt at humour, and first digital recording of T.E THE BUBBLE.

Think of it as a taster. At the moment we're creating the most awesome T.E story ever, but before we subject you too that, we want to give you some context, a beginning... an origin story... and hence before we introduce you to our ALL NEW T.E THE BUBBLE DIGITAL THXX RECORDINGS, we wish to take you back in time, to a simpler more innocent era... the post 911 Bush years... a time of T.E THE BUBBLE IN... JUST IN TIME TO DIE!

Part one... Here!

WTF

2009-05-11T20:25:00.005+12:00

So what is all this really? What, for example, is T.E? Or the Void? Well, T.E is a series of audio recordings we've been doing since we were 13 - over 20 years. More for Rog.

T.E himself is a tiny, malignant alien - determined to destroy the universe. Standing in the tall - and "cool"- corner, is his arch adversary, Cookie the Crumb, and Cookie's sidekick, Trevolt the Trevolt (formerly of Trevolt).

The battles between them have raged for over 8 billion years, and have included pursuits across time, space, and so on. The universe has been destroyed and recreated at least twice, and with baffling and enraging results.

Essentially it's a mix of HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy, Monty Python, War and Peace and something the cat threw up.

Anyway, the upshot is that we've decided to share our great works with you... In Podcast form. But not yet. I want to build some suspense first.

Treve can explain WTF the Void is.

Movie stuff...

2009-05-08T08:44:00.004+12:00

Check out the latest at Mars Shot. Some beautiful 3D animation in the pipeline for Last Flight....

Mars Sunrise Test from Zane Egginton on Vimeo.

It's alive!

2009-04-27T22:10:00.001+12:00

This is it folks - the site you’ve been waiting for! Finally Damon, Rog, Treve, David and Damon have done it - we’ve gone digital, we’re on line!

Here’s where you’ll find the T.E podcasts, upcoming gigs for the Void, wild ramblings by Rog, mildly witty posts from Davidge and comic ugles from Keen. Sign up, subscribe, comment and stay tuned for all our awesomeness before we turn 40 and die from old age!
I’m not kidding. We’re not as young as we used to be.