Singles Fail

Help! I’m Stuck in the 6th Grade!

Singles Fail — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 03:44:48 +0000

From the personals ad:

Yes, I’m serious here………………
Looking for a Girl to practice Kissing with, as I wanna be considered
a very Good Kisser. If it turns into something More, Great! if not that’s ok too.
On a Scale of one to 10, I’m almost a 8, so Please be around there too.
I’m slender & tall, so I like slender & between 25ish & 35ish.
(I’m sweet, witty & funny too!!)

This type of thing just doesn’t sound cute any more once you’re out of middle school. You’ve should have had at least 2 decades of experience at 36 and becoming worried about being a good kisser now just seems a little silly.

Kissing is Fun, right?

The Good Ol’ Days

Singles Fail — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 21:10:09 +0000

Getting sick of the online dating scene? Yeah, we hear that. Forget all of this dating around, messaging back and forth… by the time I introduce you to my parents it’s hard to even notice how much they really hate you. Hmm, that gives me an idea…

“TO ALL AVAILABLE MEN
SO… I’m single, tired of mingling, and looking to get hitched. Thing is, I’m pretty frustrated with the legwork and my solution is to pass the buck on to my parents and let them go ahead and choose for me, the way it was (is) done in the good old days (South Asia). So if you’re a single guy, hoping for marriage and kids (not more than two) in the future, and willing to roll with the punches, let’s get your folks in on this too.

Here’s what I’m thinking… You respond to this with your parental contact info, which I will pass along to mine… Then, I figure we can just butt out until the wedding. Let’s let them hammer out the details, investigate compatibility, and argue about a dowry.

Me: 26 year old female with a generally positive outlook on life, one salary, three piercings, zero tattoos, one car, one hamster, and one (slightly used) vagina. I’d be willing to consider getting re-virginized if this is a deal-breaker for your family.

I’d prefer not to convert to your religion, but I would consider relocation if my travel expenses were covered.

Looking forward to the big day. Maybe we’ll meet once or twice before then… I’m leaving that up to my mom.”

You know, this sounds pretty crazy, but honestly no stranger than anything else we’ve seen.

Seeking Arranged Marriage

Wanna Get Saucy In My Hot Tub?

Singles Fail — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 05:53:31 +0000

Seriously, we can’t make this stuff up:

I have a huge hot tub, i’m going to fill it with homemade marinara sauce. Let’s get naked and sit in it. I’ll be wearing a Rolex and Ray-Bans. I’ll put some Barbara Streisand or some Wu-Tang Clan on the stereo. Nothing too sexual, just nudity and marinara sauce.

Everything about this listing is strange… although we have to admit it might be fun to hang out naked in some marinara, presumably with some mozzarella sticks, but we didn’t realize Barbara Streisand or Wu-Tang Clan was the appropriate musical choice for this activity. Clearly we have much to learn from this guy.

Sit in a hot tub full of marinara sauce with me - m4w

Dumped for a Better Calling Plan

Singles Fail — Sat, 23 May 2009 04:26:39 +0000

“Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML”

Fmylife.com

Lesbian Seeks Pregnant Woman

Singles Fail — Fri, 22 May 2009 06:59:52 +0000

Men. They just get you pregnant and leave you. It’s okay, there’s a lesbian out there who LOVES preggos.

From the personals ad:

I never have tried women before, but I am very attracted to pregnant women.

I want to take you out to dinner, movie, and have some laughs.

I want to give a massage on your back, then rub some lotion on your belly.

I am not that type of woman who makes the first move.

Too bad she’ll leave you too as soon as you’ve had the baby. You just can’t win.

Pregnant women - you are so sexy!

Give It To Me NOW! And By It I Obviously Mean…

Singles Fail — Wed, 20 May 2009 06:07:50 +0000

If a guy says this it’s pretty obvious what it means:

please dont waste presious time, my clock is tickling.
i am extremely needy right now if you catch my drift. we’ve gotta chat before you get my number

If a woman says it, it means she wants a baby NOW! So no matter how good the deal sounds, it comes with a price. Don’t say we didn’t warn ya.

please dont waste presious time, my clock is tickling.

There’s No Catch, Except You Have to Have Sex with Me

Singles Fail — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:49:53 +0000

Dude, your listing sounds more like a bad pitch by a shady car salesman than a personal ad:

Curious but…shy? And maybe a little scared? I know where you’re coming from.

It’s a world full of crazies and men who want to take advantage of you, so what’s a girl to do? Why not hook up with a sane, gentle, very giving and open-minded guy, who will make you feel at ease and allow you to be the sexual woman that you are.

If you’re looking for some relaxed foreplay, sensuous kissing and touching and fondling and blissful orgasms, then get in touch.

What’s the catch? No catch. I simply enjoy sharing the sexual pleasures of a woman and being the giver of that pleasure. The discovery and physical exploration of sex is a great turn on. Let me see if I can find the right spots on your body.

Please be D/D-free, orgasmic, and HWP.

I think the catch is sleeping with a 50 year old man who just wants to fool around and won’t commit to a relationship.

Curious but…shy? And maybe a little scared? - m4w - 50

Open To Anyone, You Should Be Too Apparently

Singles Fail — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:43:30 +0000

This was posted in the “Misc Romance” category and something seems to be missing…

I work for a hospital but im not really a nurse. I help take care of people. The stuff nurses dont do. I am also in grad school and I am trying to persue a modeling career. I need to find somenone to help me relax, find downtime, someone that can support me, spoil me, make love to me. I am cute, single and blonde, if you are interested send me an email. I am open to anyone and really look forward to reading the replies and meeting new people,

You might want to try stating your gender if you want to find dates. Unless you REALLY are open to ANYONE, you might get some surprising responses.

you know exactly what i want right so stop trying to give it to me and just do - 25

Love Connection: Love At First Paycheck!

Singles Fail — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:30:15 +0000

This guy should meet this girl…

He’s seeking a girlfriend that he can give an allowance to.
She’s seeking anything with a pulse to give her a place to stay in exchange for dating her.

Bonus: They’re both in the same area!

Whaddya say guys? Will it work?

Don’t Feed the Starving Artist

Singles Fail — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:25:33 +0000

If you give a mouse a cookie…

We know this type… bisexual, creative and of course jobless. Don’t let this ball of crazy enter your life. It will seem like fun at first with spontaneous trips out in the middle of the night and waking up on a park bench at noon the next day and dancing in a water fountain together. But after a few weeks you’ll realize it’s eating you out of house and home, sleeping with whatever it wants and screaming at you for nothing because it can’t afford its medication. Don’t let this creature sink it’s teeth into you. It’s lazy, ungrateful, arrogant (that’s pretty much synonymous with “artist) and will suck you dry (not in the good way).

We warned you…

Hi.

I’m a starving artist and I want to share in your wealth.
Conveniently, I’m also looking for a good time.

You are a young (under 35), attractive MAN, WOMAN, OR COUPLE, and you’re looking for me.

Some interesting things are happening in my life, and I’m feeling a little adventurous. That’s my situation.
You could be considered a “sugar daddy” (or sugar mommy), I guess.
You are intelligent, level-headed, easy-going, with a sense of humor. You respect women and you love sex.

I’m 20. Most people think I’m younger when they look at me and older when they talk to me.

I’m bisexual, a female art student at a major design school. I do all sorts of art, mostly drawing, and I write.
A quiet, reflective, poetic, spontaneous artist type. Only crazy in the best ways.
I’m balanced, easy-going, intelligent, sarcastic.
I find most things funny, probably more than I should.
Sensual, passionate, like to play.

I’m feminine, short brown hair, green eyes, petite and toned, with nice everything.
I am clean, disease-free. You should be the same. Like to drink and 420.

I like staying in or going out. I like talking and I like listening. I like having one glass of wine with dinner or binge drinking until I black out.
It’s my fabulous duality that makes me so much fun.

I want a relaxed, respectful, fun arrangement, where my time and my lovin’ help me pay my rent.

If you’re misogynistic, violent, married, scummy, or criminal, don’t bother. I see right through you.

If it sounds good, let’s talk.

Seriously hon, you’re doin it wrong. You’re supposed to find a nice guy or gal who’s sweet, has no self esteem and wants so much to date a lil pistol like yourself… you tell them you love them and that you need a place to live… you don’t just flat out SAY that you’re a mooch. That goes to show just how crazy and selfish you are. And you can’t let them know that (at least not for a few months).

Poetic, spontaneous, bisexual art student seeks “sugar arrangement”