I’m tired and have a headache, so this will be a quick update.

Last: 272.6 lbs.
Current: 269.8 lbs.
Loss: 2.8 lbs.
Total Loss: 48.2 lbs.

Remember that ring I talked about several weeks ago – the one Jennifer bought me that I could never wear? I can wear it now.

Also? I never thought about noticing the weight loss in my hands, but I do. They used to be plump, but now I can see the bones moving in them when I wiggle my fingers. I must look like a real dork sitting around all the time doing “spirit fingers.”

I’m thinking I’m going to start a new category here for all the little milestones I reach as I go along. Like the one where my pants decided to be too big at SPUF and I had to get a friend to use zip ties to hold them together. Or the one from my trip to Vegas where I didn’t have to use a seat belt extender.

I had another little one yesterday. I’m still having major trouble with my knee, so my doctor sent me for another MRI yesterday. When I went in for the MRI, they didn’t have to get out the XL equipment because the regular-sized equipment fit around my leg. That was a nice feeling.

I didn’t weigh in yesterday because I didn’t have a chance to. I’ve been having trouble getting hold of my doctor’s office to get an appointment with her (I had one on Friday, and they called that morning to cancel it because she was out of the office.) After several tries and no call-backs, I finally gave in and texted my doctor directly. This was at 6:30 in the morning, and when she responded, she said to come in right away and she’d see me first thing. So I had to run out of the house without even taking a shower – ack!

Since I don’t like weighing in the afternoon/evening, I figured I’d wait until this morning. I was pleasantly surprised, because I really thought I was gonna go back to another zero-loss week.

Last: 277.2 lbs
Current: 272.6 lbs
Loss: 4.6 lbs
Total loss: 45.4 lbs

I’m only seven pounds away from my post-pregnancy weight. I was 320 when I got pregnant with Emily, and 265 when she was born. I went on the depo-provera shot when she was six weeks old, and put on every bit of that weight back on.

Speaking of milestones, I have two rings that I wear all the time: A moon with triquetras on either side, and a band of pentacles. When I started all this, I had the moon on my right ring finger, and the band on my left ring finger. They started getting too big, so I moved the band to my right ring finger (cause it’s a little bigger) and the moon ring to my left middle finger. Now, the moon is on my right middle finger, and the band is on my left middle finger. The moon is slip-sliding all over the place, and it only takes a slight shake of my hand to send it flying. That’s my fattest finger, so I don’t have anywhere else to move it, which means I won’t be able to wear it anymore in the next week or so. As thrilled as I am that I’m seeing these kinds of results, I’m a little sad about the rings.

I miss you most upon each Samhain when the boundary turns to sheer.
I wait until the veil is parted at the ending of the year.
Sweet spirit, as you walk among us at the tolling of this eve,
I see your face beyond the sunset and hear your voice upon the breeze.
In the glowing of the candle, from the shadow on the wall,
I watch for you in every movement and hear your footsteps in the hall.
Can you sit and spend the evening as the portal opens wide?
Ancestral dead, I bid you welcome, most recent dead, I pray abide.
When you come I sense your presence
I put my hand out in the air
A moment, then, we stand united palm to palm while waiting there.
I miss you most upon each Samhain, when the boundary turns to sheer.
We share these hours until the dawning
Then bid farewell until next year.

1988 David O. Morris, “Upon Each Samhain”.

You’re in my thoughts, today and every day. I keep telling myself that time will make it easier, but I miss you both as much as I did in the beginning. I hope that you’ve found the perfect cup of coffee and the greatest golf course ever. I hope that you’re watching over us, and I hope that you’ll be able to stop by tonight.

Me: dude, did you just put your butt in front of the camera?
Me: NO CAMERA BUTT
Me: it is to being the forbid

I’m having a hard time figuring out just how I feel about all this weight-loss surgery stuff. By and large, I’m happy about it. I’m losing weight, however slowly, and that’s always a good thing.

Saturday was Lorei’s birthday, and we went to the All Hallows Fantasy Faire here in town, and then some friends came over here afterward for birthday cake and gifts. I made the cake, decorated it, even helped serve it, and then went outside on the porch to wait for Emily to get home from a birthday party she went to. One of my friends came out and asked me if it bothered me to watch people eat that kind of stuff, and I said no. Because it really didn’t bother me at all. I don’t miss cake and ice cream. I don’t miss sweets.

What I do miss, dammit, is lasagna and garlic bread.. and guess what was on tap for dinner last night? I don’t eat at the table with everyone hardly at all.. not because I don’t want to see them eating stuff I can’t, but mostly because it’s just uncomfortable. I feel silly with my teeny portions and eating with a baby spoon. I feel awkward eating something different from everyone else (particularly after all the harping I’ve done on Emily about how she’ll eat what everyone else eats, or she can have Cheerios – dinner is not to-order here, but I digress.) Normally, I’ll fix Emily’s plate, but last night, I had to ask Lorei to do it. I didn’t even want to be in the same room with that garlic bread.

I’m getting really bored with my diet. I know there are a million and one ways to cook chicken, but in the end, it’s still chicken, and it gets old. I don’t eat much beef because it doesn’t usually sit well with me.

In other news, I found a picture of me from 2006, at my highest weight of 355. I still have the shirt I was wearing in that picture, and thought I’d take my two-month photos in it, 70 lbs. lighter. The stripes on this shirt do nothing for my hips.

And might I just add: Holy shit! Zero loss last week, and then this week….

Last: 287.2 lbs.
Current: 277.2 lbs.
Loss: TEN FREAKIN’ POUNDS
Total Loss: 40.8 lbs.

Well, hell.

I expected not to lose much this week, because I was in Vegas for a large part of it, and it was impossible to eat right while I was there. Biggest issue was there not being a fridge in my hotel room, which meant I had to buy these gigantic meals, eat an eighth of them, and toss the rest of the food out. I just can’t afford to eat like that.

What I didn’t expect was not to lose ANYTHING. I’m going to lose my mind because of this fucking surgery.

Last: 287.2 lbs.
Current: 287.2 lbs.
Loss: none. sigh.
Total loss: 30.8 lbs

P.S. I stepped on the scale again this morning (Thursday), just for shits and giggles, and it said 285.4. This yo-yo is killing me!
P.P.S. I have the second part of the stricture procedure today. I’m NPO and STARVING.

I’m starting to wonder if something is wrong with my scale. I stepped on it yesterday, and it read 289.2 – a loss of .8 lbs. This morning, I got on it again. I’d magically lost 2 lbs. overnight.

30 lbs. in seven weeks. That’s great by regular standards, but it seems like so little for someone post-gastric bypass. If, however, I can manage that same loss over the next 7 weeks, my doctor will be happy. Meh.

Last: 290.0 lbs.
Current: 287.2 lbs.
Loss: 2.8 lbs.
Total Loss: 30.8 lbs.

I am having a really rough time. Because of the stricture, I am not able to eat regular foods. I’m not quite on purees, but soft & mushy, and I am SO FUCKING SICK of it. I’m tired of cottage cheese and yoghurt. I’m tired of being nauseated every time I drink a protein shake. I can’t find a single protein supplement that doesn’t completely gross me out. They’re either gritty, and I feel like I’m drinking sand.. or they smell like piss (a LOT of them smell that way to me) or they just downright make me want to puke. I think this might be counterproductive.

To add insult to injury (quite literally) my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. In fact, it may be at a full stop this week. I only lost 2 lbs. last week, and I got on the scale this morning (even though tomorrow is weigh-in day) and I haven’t even lost a full pound this week. -sigh-

I am working so hard, and doing everything I can.. and it feels like it’s all for nothing. I don’t feel better – I feel like shit most of the time. I don’t look better, cause the weight is barely coming off. And emotionally, I’m a wreck. I don’t necessarily regret the surgery, but I’m wondering why I even bothered with it when all I seem to be getting right now is heartache.

Had the procedure for the stricture today. It sucked. They did the “twilight” anesthesia, which meant I wasn’t totally out. I woke up in the middle of the procedure (though I couldn’t open my eyes.. I wasn’t totally awake, but conscious enough to know what was going on) and I was in serious pain. My throat hurt like hell cause the scope was in there, and my stomach hurt because they were messing with the scar tissue in there. I was trying to tell them it hurt too much, but it’s kinda hard to talk with things down your throat. I recall at one point trying to reach up and pull out the thing in my mouth that was holding it open, just so I could tell them how much it hurt. I felt hands on mine, pulling them away from my mouth, and I felt so defeated that I just started crying. I think they may have given me more knockout juice at that point, because I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up.

The stricture was pretty significant. So significant, in fact, that they were only able to open it partially. I have to go back in two weeks so they can repeat the procedure and open it the rest of the way. I made them promise over and over again that they’d knock me out harder next time, because that shit HURT. I also have gastritis, with “marked” swelling. They took a biopsy and sent it off for culture to see if I’ve got H. pylori bacteria in there causing trouble. With any luck, it’ll just be irritation from the stricture.

My throat hurts like a bitch. I think I’m gonna go get some popsicles.

After last week’s fiasco at the doctor’s office, the last thing I needed was to have a slow-loss week. I DO feel better than I did, I really do. But to step on the scale this morning and see a loss of just under 3 lbs.. it was hard to look at.

I’m chalking it up to this whole stricture thing. Most of you read my facebook and know that I went in to see the doctor on Monday because I’d been having trouble eating anything more substantial than cottage cheese or yoghurt. The PA sent me to a GI specialist, and she agreed that I have a stricture. (A stricture is just the formation of some scar tissue around the opening between the stomach and small intestine, either making the hole smaller or blocking it off entirely.) So, eating has been an adventure. I’ve done OK with liquids and yogurt, but I found cottage cheese to be a bit of a challenge this evening. I go in on Friday to have it taken care of, and I look forward to having it behind me.

I haven’t worked out much in the last several days because I’ve either been too sick (stricture+food=ralphing) or too freakin’ tired. On a normal diet, I get in 5-600 calories a day. Being back on pureed foods, I’d be surprised if I’m getting in more than 300 or so. Needless to say, I haven’t had the energy to work out. Hopefully I’ll be feeling better next week and can get back on track. I do, after all, have 30 more lbs to lose in the next 7 weeks. -sigh-

Last: 292.9 lbs.
Current: 290.0 lbs
Loss: 2.9 lbs.
Total Loss: 28 lbs.