Simple Father - kids are too complex

Keep on the Lookout

scott — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 04:35:58 +0000

Many years ago there lived a man, we’ll call him Jake. Now Jake was blessed with many children. One of his sons, Joe, was born very late in Jake’s life. As a result, just like many baby’s of the family, Joe was a bit spoiled.

For Joe, this was awesome. It meant a TV in his room, all the latest GameStation games, and qPod devices... not to mention the latest designer threads. However, what he didn’t realize was that his siblings despised him because of his special treatment.

On top of that, Joe began making up stories about how his brothers were all bowing down to him. At this, Joe’s brothers wanted to kill him, literally... so they did... almost. They roughed him up a bit, faked his death, and handed him over to some unsavory characters that said they could ‘make him disappear.’

Fast forward about 15 years and Joe surfaced not too far from his hometown, and happened to be in a position of great power. Shortly thereafter, times became extremely tough and Joe’s brothers ended up needing to humble themselves and ask for Joe’s help.

Besides the whole not attempting to kill your siblings thing, this story has another valuable lesson. Keep on the lookout. It seems that from an early age, Joe was destined for big things. However, in his arrogance (or maybe ignorance), he was unable to truly see what the future held. Perhaps his brothers knew (and expressed it in the form of jealousy). Maybe his father knew (and gave him fancy stuff). Either way, Joe didn’t have a clue.

The same could possibly be said of your children. They don’t have a clue. Perhaps they are destined for greatness, but are so hung up on the tasks of today, that they don’t see it, so keep on the lookout, in hopes that you can help open their eyes.

photo courtesy of mostpics3

Becoming A Brony

scott — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 04:05:48 +0000

It seems that my worst fears have been realized. I’ve been told that the first step in the healing process is admitting that you have a problem. So I admit to you now, that I’m becoming a Brony.

What, you may ask, is a Brony? Well... if you take a trip through the neckbeard infested nether regions of the internet, you will find out that a Brony is the name given to male fans of the popular animated series know as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, which primarily targets prepubescent girls.

How did this all happen? Quite easily. You see, all the groundwork was laid. I happen to have two small children, both of the female variety. These children happen to be obsessed with My Little Ponies. These children also happen to have access to netflix, and 52 episodes of glimmering pony greatness... It was only a matter of time before my defenses came down.

I still remember the episode that won me over like it was yesterday. There I was, minding my own business, trying to ignore the TV, when what should I hear but witty dialogue coming from Iron Will, a motivational speaker who travels to Equestria to pump up the ponies. With lines like “Maybes are for babies!”, “Never apologize, when you can criticize!” and “Don’t be sorry, be assertive!” I was instantly won over. No longer was this some stupid kids show, but an intriguing television programme that holds my attention from start to finish.

So if you see me on the street, you may point and laugh, you may call me lame, but in return I will say that you apparently don’t know the creative genius that is Lauren Faust, do not appreciate the character development, scoff at Ashleigh Ball and her amazing voice talents, and know nothing about cutie marks... so there!

ParaNorman - Giveaway

scott — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 04:50:27 +0000

I must admit, I found the ParaNorman olympics commercials rather amusing, and I also tend to like visually darker movies like 9 as well as the stop motion found in movies like The Fantastic Mr. Fox... so, I am more than happy to share some ParaNorman stuff with you guys.

About the Film

The new 3D stop-motion comedy thriller from animation company LAIKA, reteaming the company with Focus Features after the groundbreaking Academy Award-nominated Coraline. ParaNorman is, following Coraline, the company's second stop-motion animated feature to be made in 3D.

In ParaNorman, a small town comes under siege by zombies. Who can it call? Only misunderstood local boy Norman (Kodi Smit-McPhee), who is able to speak with the dead. In addition to the zombies, he'll have to take on ghosts, witches and, worst, of all, grown-ups, to save his town from a centuries-old curse. But this young ghoul whisperer may find his paranormal activities pushed to their otherworldly limits.

Trailer

Giveaway

Up for grabs is (as pictured below):

Freaky Fun Cupcake Kit
Youth T-Shirt
Backpack
Activity Book & Activity Sheet
Keychain
Notebook
Pencil Pack with stickers
Nightlight
Slippers
Toothbrush

Ways to enter:

Comment on this post, telling me oubout being (or observing) the weird kid/outcast in school, and how that effected you.
Tweet to me @sschuchard telling me why you like zombies.
Go over to the SimpleFather facebook page and let me know how why you should love your kids, no matter what they're like.

If you can't think of any of the above answers, just say anything, but as usual, I like to add a little more flavor to my giveaways.

The contest will run until 11:59 pm Central, August 29th. **UPDATE** Congrats to Karen Che on winning the Paranorman giveaway!

Back to School

scott — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 04:58:00 +0000

Ah... back to school time. It’s that time of year that either pulls at the heartstrings, or has parents jumping for joy. Whether you’re sending Timmy to a world filled with dioramas or dorm rooms, there’s no denying the electricity in the air as summer comes to an end.

So are you ready? Are your kids ready? Have you set them up to succeed? What will Timmy do when he is offered his first beer bong? What will Sally do when the other little girls tell her that Suzy’s not cool enough to hang out with? Will they get terrible grades? The other afternoon, after asking my eldest tax deduction to put her shoes on, I began to contemplate these very questions (minus the beer bong one... she better not be consuming alcohol en mass at any age, let alone the age of 6).

As she was writhing on the floor, acting as if someone had jammed a hot soldering iron between thoracic vertebrae numbers 6 and 7, and refusing to put on her shoes, I had a thought. YES, she is ready to be thrust back into the world of school. Yes, Princess P is hard headed, stubborn, and will always try things her way first (the same could be said of me), but believe it or not, she listens. She hears and absorbs everything going on around her.

If you’re still tracking my stream of consciousness, you may be wondering what the heck that has to do with me setting her up for success. Well... over the summer my wife and I have learned that with Princess P, if we want her to learn a new skill or idea, we have to show/teach her once, and then walk away and let chew on it for a while. More and more we have put this into practice. By helping foster her way of learning, I am confident that in the academic and social minefield that is public school, instead of blindly doing what others say, she will take things under advisement, and form her own opinions when she sees fit, and for that reason alone, I know she is ready.

photo courtesy of mvrckcoast

Kids are Trolls

scott — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Kids are the ultimate trolls. Unfortunately, I don’t mean the mythical beings rooted in Norse mythology. If that were the case, at least they could be dealt with accordingly, like drawing them out into the sunlight and rendering them harmless. However, they are the type of troll that speaks or acts with the primary intent of provoking an emotional response or otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.

This may seem harsh, but I’m not just talking about my kids... it’s all kids, every last one of them. Here are just a few reasons why:

They claim they are ready to be washed and rinsed at bath time. Upon approaching the bathtub, you find no less than 3 things you cannot unsee.

If the kid is your child’s playmate, he or she always come a knockin’ just as you sit down for a relaxing family dinner.

After being potty trained for months, even years, they inform you that somehow they were able to pee on the bathroom floor, when the toilet is no more than 12 inches away.

Kids appear cute and cuddly, until you pick them up to give them a hug, at which time they 1) gain the strength of ten men, and 2) the thrashing skills of a crocodile all while taunting you with chants of “u mad bro?”

When you give commands like “please clean up your room in 10 minutes,” and follow it up approximately 8 minutes later with “have you started cleaning up your room?”, they are immediately able to tell you it’s only been 8 minutes without looking at a clock.

So how do you defeat the trolls? As the internet adage goes, don’t feed the trolls. It’s that simple. If you don’t feed the trolls, they will go away. Don’t let them provoke that emotional response.

Are your kids trolls? Let me know in the comments what they’ve done to troll you.

Thrifty Party Ideas for Your Child's Birthday

scott — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 04:01:59 +0000

This is the first official guest post on simplefather.com that isn't from my wife. Let me know if you find it useful in the comments.

In today's economy, parents are trying to cut back on spending left and right. While you may be able to give up many luxuries, but sometimes you really can't avoid spending a little extra cash to celebrate your child's birthday. For those who want to save money too, however, here are some great, money saving kids birthday party ideas that will satisfy your sense of thrift and your kid's sense of fun.

Invitations

Instead of purchasing expensive invitations for your child's birthday party, you can be resourceful and make them with your child. If you have a printer with enough toner and paper, you can create the birthday cards on Microsoft Word or Paint and print them out. You can even help your child make a template on the paper, make copies of the invitation electronically, and enter the necessary information.

Activities

For their child's birthday parties, many parents decide to rent a bounce house. If you've ever rented a bounce house, then you know that it can cost hundreds of dollars. Instead of getting something so expensive, you can choose cheaper (or even free) activities that will be just as fun for the birthday girl or boy.

If you have sprinklers in your backyard, you can throw a sprinkler party. Just ask your guests to bring their bathing suits and towels and inform them that it is a sprinkler party on the invitation. Chances are, you don't want to get wet though. If that's the case, your child can play freeze tag or board games with the guests.

Multi player video games, such as Mario Kart and Just Dance for the Wii console, are other great party activities. It's recommended that you have other activities planned for the kids as well though, because they may end up playing video games for the entire party.

Food

If you're overwhelmed with the party cooking, you can ask guests to bring food. You supply the cake, refreshments, and some snacks and your guests are allowed to bring whatever they want, potluck style. If you're having a large party with many guests, this is a great way to save money on food.

To save more money on food, you can make the cake and other snacks yourself. A cake mix makes the job easier, and is still a very cheap option.

As you can see, there are plenty of birthday party ideas that will allow your child and the guests to have a great time while keeping your spending in check.
photo courtesy of sean dreilinger

VeggieTales - The Penniless Princess Review & Giveaway

scott — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 04:37:15 +0000

Come the middle of the month, the folks over at Big Idea Entertainment will be releasing another VeggieTales movie. Seeing that the title is “The Penniless Princess,” coupled with having two young girls who love VeggieTales, I jumped at the chance to review and give away a copy.
Synopsis
Sweet Sarah Crew has everything a little girl could want – a loving family, lots of friends and a closet full of frilly dresses! But when life takes a turn and Sarah goes from riches to rags, will she realize that her true worth lies not in what she has, but what she has in her heart? Find out in this inspiring new story from VeggieTales that reminds kids who they are in God’s eyes.

Review
A lot of kids movies put me to sleep (I’m looking at you Barbie), but the VeggieTales series always seems to have just enough adult entertainment to keep my interest, and this movie is no different. Plus, as per usual, it teaches the kids a valuable lesson so I don’t have to... I mean, to supplement my already outstanding parenting skills.

If you don’t get the moral of the story in The Penniless Princess, you really aren’t paying attention, because it really drives home the fact that when you are loved, then that love pours out of you and to others, no matter what your circumstance.

Aside from that, as someone who’s wife accuses him of writing in code when I type things like “lol ur sooo kewl” I got a kick out of the new silly song that was based around text speak.

Overall I’d say you should check out The Penniless Princess, especially if you have girls.
Giveaway
Up for grabs is The Penniless Princess DVD. There are three ways to enter, and no, I won’t make you follow me on twitter, or like my facebook page.
Ways to enter:

Comment on this post, telling me why your child is a princess (or prince), and how you make sure they know they are loved.

Tweet to me @sschuchard telling me who your favorite VeggieTales character is.

Go over to the SimpleFather facebook page and let me know how you’ve shown generosity/love to others (not your kids).

I know ⅔ of these ways to enter are a little sappy, but I wanted to make you think a little bit.
The contest will run until 11:59 pm July 31st.

Make Peace, Not Poop Pants

scott — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Perhaps it’s genetic, maybe all the kids are doing it, or maybe the squishy warmness of a lumpy loaf of nastiness nestled between her butt cheeks is somehow comforting... who knows. All I know is, it’s just plain gross!

That’s right, Special K likes to poop in her pants. It’s like I’m having deja vu all over again. Three short years ago, a very similar problem struck the Simple house. The symptoms are nearly the same as her sister’s were. She likes to have more ‘alone’ time, and can often be spotted slinking off to her room all by herself. She denies having to go to the bathroom, but the poop stains tell a different story. So what gives?

After doing a series of tests on her, I think I’ve found the answer. The world is going down the toilet, and pooping all over as much of it as she can is her way of bringing the injustices to light. She leaves poo soaked undies strewn about like upside down mortgages... everyone knows they stink, especially the owners. Plus the collateral damage of well placed deuce filled dungaree impacts the entire household, much in the same way that in today’s global economy, choices made in other parts of the world have far reaching impact.

So in conclusion, the only solution I see for the poop pants problem is to make the kid a protest sign and buy her some hand drums. Seems logical to me.

photo courtesy of sean dreilinger

Watch out for The User

scott — Tue, 03 Jul 2012 15:00:00 +0000

There comes a time in every child’s life, that they come across a user. No, I’m not talking about someone on “the drugs,” or a junkie of some kind, but rather a person who takes advantage of the kindness of precious little Timmy. The User exudes faux friendship, saying things like “heeeey, you wanna play” all the while trying to hide the deep dark secret that he just wants to play with Timmy’s wonder magical toy 5000. So what is little Timmy to do? Should he just ignore The User, and risk becoming a social outcast? Or should he play along, after all, it can’t be that bad. Perhaps the User is just in need of a friend. This situation is one in which the proverbial parenting “rubber” meets the “road.”

For the sake of argument, let’s say Timmy’s parents have failed him miserably. He has very low emotional IQ, and no discernment skills whatsoever. Timmy invites The User in, and in the blink of an eye, The User shifts focus away from Timmy. The User is no longer concerned with Timmy and his friendship, but instead he is concerned on how he can leverage his knowledge of Timmy to achieve some kind of personal gain. Before long Timmy is either 1) sitting in the corner crying, or 2) looking like an outsider in his own domain... neither option is good.

Now let’s say Timmy’s parents are the bees knees. They have instilled Timmy with confidence, an understanding of his emotions, and the ability to say no. Timmy recognizes the deep desire that The User has to be loved, but knows the dangers of being used. Timmy begins to play with The User, but has no problem figuring out when The User starts being manipulative. When this transition happens, Timmy proclaims that he enjoys The User’s presence, but if the manipulative behavior continues, they will have to part ways for a little while. This is done guilt free because deep down Timmy knows, he’s only guarding his own emotions. Well done Timmy!

As my children age, it’s becoming more and more clear that hiding them from all the world’s troubles and depravity is a fruitless effort. There are those who are waiting and willing to use them. It sounds very cliche, but it’s apparent that one of the biggest jobs a parent has is to help their kids help themselves.
photo courtesy of thomashawk

Kids on Parenting - Potty Training

scott — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 03:54:24 +0000

This month I ask Princess P how to potty train a child. It is one of the few times I have seen her at a loss for words. I was however, able get a few answers out of her. Enjoy.

Also, I've got more parenting topics in mind for this series, but if there are any issues you want Princess P to tackle, let me know in the comments.