It’s ironic how truth operates. When one has no clue what it is or how to find it, there seems to be no trouble telling great tales of false notions so firmly believed. Then, as truth is approached more closely, suddenly the ability to speak about it seems to disappear completely. There comes a realization that there is no way to state the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and one must be satisfied at best to point in its general direction. Even then there is a certainty that some, if not most, will misinterpret what is said. It has to be this way.

Fortunately, with this realization comes the knowledge that all is well and as it should be. The compulsion to be heard is so closely aligned with untruth, that it is likely impossible to have one without the other. And so one is content to speak only when spoken to, and to allow the quest for truth drive the need to communicate it. No quest, no communication.

And so it appears that there is nothing left to say, at least for now. It’s not so much that the end of the path has been reached as the path has dwindled into nothing. There is surely somewhere to go from here, but there is no idea as to where. And “I” am no longer the guide on this journey. Okay, so I never was the guide, but I did believe I was.

Therefore the future is now left in the capable hands of the universe. If questions come to “me” to be answered, I may answer, if so compelled. No promises. But you, dear reader, are certainly welcome to ask if you have any that surely need answering. From where the answers may come, I cannot say.

Perhaps without prompting something will arise spontaneously that wants to be written, but I wouldn’t count on it. I used to wonder when the sages that I knew would say that nothing in their interactions was as important as the questions being asked. Now I understand. To reveal itself as any kind of manifestation, the truth needs to be sought in earnest. Otherwise, it simply rests as it is.

Man: God, if you can hear me, please answer my prayer. I’m desperate to discover your true nature.

God: …

Man: Please, God! I don’t know how long I can take this. I’ve meditated for over 30 years, and still, nothing. Can you please show me a sign?

God: …

Man: God, why have you forsaken me? You reveal yourself to others, but not to me. Can you please show me, just this once? That’s all I ask.

God: …

Man: This is hopeless. I need a drink.

God: (thinking to himself) How much more clear and obvious can I be?! This is hopeless. I need a drink.

I’ll make this as simple as I possibly can. There is only the present moment. There is no other time and no other place (in fact, there is no time or space at all, but that’s another topic). So where else could one be but here and now? That’s right, it’s impossible. The troubles begin when one thinks there is an alternative (i.e. past or future). It is precisely the concern over the past or future that we label as “not being present”, when in fact, this phrase is an oxymoron. And so to summarize, the key to “being present” is to understand deeply that you already and always are.

If you don’t believe what I’m saying here, try this little experiment. First notice in any moment that you are aware. Then ask yourself the question, “does awareness require any effort at all, or does it occur naturally without intervention?” Then notice whether awareness occurs in the past, present, or future. You should be able to see clearly that awareness is as naturally occurring as a heartbeat, always there, always in the present. The past and future are made up of thoughts (within present awareness) and nothing else.

Also, I should point out that I’m not writing this to be a smart aleck or wow you with my logical brilliance. There is a tremendous benefit to really getting what I am saying here. It is precisely what is needed to actualize the teachings of all the sages and authors who speak of the benefits of being in the present moment.

So congratulations! You’re present, always have been, always will be. Just don’t think otherwise.

It is difficult to write when one has no frame of reference from which to speak. No map, no truth, nothing of which to be certain, no experience that connects to any other in any logical way. There is a distinct connection in every moment, but it is perplexingly self-referential, yet simulaneously all encompassing.

What else can I say? You had to be there? Except that there isn’t any “there” there. Maybe one day I’ll have something more to say, or maybe “I” will simply disappear into the Beautiful empty pages that emanate from the Heart.

What kind of work
Can I do in this world?

Who would be kind enough
To hire an old holy Bum,

One with a great reputation
For loving the charms
Of the lawless
And the wild artists and the lewd?

Maybe I could become a poet.

Maybe the Beloved
Will make my love so Pure

That He will come to sit upon
All my Beautiful empty pages.
And when you come to look at them,

He might kick you
With His Beautiful Divine Foot.

- Hafiz

This is a nothing-special offer, available for an unlimited time. If you don’t act right now, you will receive the ordinary No Results™ package, made up of nothing. That’s right, absolutely nothing, right in the comfort of your very own home. Not only that, but without doing anything more, you will receive not one, not two, not three, but infinitely many occurrences of No Results™.

How much would you pay for such an offer? Many of our competitors would charge several hundred dollars for such a package, and even make you travel hundreds of miles to a retreat center in the process. One even charges as much as $50 thousand. But before you make up your mind, we will also throw in an unlimited supply of Failure^®, for those of you who aren’t yet over being motivated.

Now how much would you pay? Our price? That’s right, absolutely, positively … free. And no shipping or handling costs, or other hidden fees. In fact, our No Results™ package, together with an unlimited supply of Failure^® is delivered to you instantaneously. How many of our competitors can make that claim?

In addition, if you fail to receive No Results™, we guarantee with 100% certainty that any results you do produce will eventually disappear completely. That’s right! And we’ve never been wrong in over 160,000 years of human life on planet Earth.

But, wait! There’s no more.

Something quite extraordinary, yet at the same time so utterly ordinary happened during morning meditation yesterday. Spontaneously and without any effort whatsoever, the spiritual seeker that had inhabited this body-mind since its birth drew its last breath and died of natural causes. It all happened to the tune of the song, Que Será, Será (Whatever will be, will be), the once popular tune featured, ironically enough, in Alfred Hitchcock’s 1956 classic, The Man Who Knew Too Much. As it played in consciousness during sitting meditation, the lyrics had been curiously altered to Que Está, Está (Whatever is, is). By some act of Grace, this phrase turned out to be the last catalyst required for the release of the seeker’s bond.

When such an event occurs, one can easily be perplexed by the apparent contradictions conjured up by the experience of it. There is a release into total liberation, and at the same time, no change at all from the state of human bondage. One is completely free to be trapped in the delusion that is human life. There is the sense that this is a uniquely rare occurrence, and yet the direct knowledge that it is also universally common, and only missed by so many because it is too obvious to see. One feels at once certain that this is the end of the path, and yet also that it is only the beginning. This is what one has always wanted, and yet, nothing has been attained, and it is not at all what one expected to find.

The seeker’s path is defined by the desire to achieve a state that is not this - whether it means liberation, enlightenment, or any other fancy spiritual term or picture that one has in mind. Often, these images are interpretations of what we read, or perhaps hear from our teachers and spiritual friends. Looking back, it is not surprising that the goals held in this mind of what seeking might bring were never once fulfilled. Never, ever. This path was one of total and complete failure. It was also a pathless path, in the sense that it can never be repeated, nor should it be. Each journey is unique, and yet ultimately ends up back at the beginning. Back to this.

In the end, when seeking is done, one can only be certain of one thing - That I Am, I Am That, and That Is All There Is. After morning meditation, the dishes in the sink left over from the previous night’s meal sat waiting, looking back at themselves as they were being hand-washed, one by one. Each one a baby Buddha to be adored, each one as simple and plain as the dishwasher, each one returning the love and careful attention they received from their owner.

Reality can neither be proved nor disproved. Within the mind you cannot, beyond the mind you need not. In the real, the question, “what is real?” does not arise. The manifested and unmanifested are not different.

I am all. As myself all is real. Apart from me, nothing is real.

-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, from I Am That

Photo source: http://www.cinemasterpieces.com/manwhooct05.jpg

Those of us who have picked up and read a book or two about spiritual cultivation have most certainly encountered the term “letting go” in this context, and almost as certainly thought that we knew what it meant when we read it. Right? It’s a very simple idea, after all. However, although it’s quite straightforward conceptually, I’m fairly certain that when we first encounter it, most of us have nowhere near an accurate picture in our minds of what letting go actually entails. I know that I didn’t.

The reason for this misunderstanding is quite simple. Until letting go actually occurs, there is a fundamental context in place that is in search of some personal benefit as an outcome of the process. Whether we want freedom from the knots that bind us, or to reach some higher ecstatic planes of consciousness, or to find our ideal tantric lover, or any other of a number of ego-centered desires, those motives are always there, lurking beneath the surface. The most insidious of these is the one in which we are exhalted above all others, the perfect saint to be loved and revered. We may tell ourselves that this isn’t our wish, but let’s get real here. It comes in many forms - perhaps you want to be the foremost object of love for “The One”, your soulmate and lover. Or to be admired by your friends and family, or even your children. Or maybe you have grander plans and wish to be singled out by an entire flock of devotees. The experience of separation that is so fundamental to our existence here on planet Earth has no alternative than to manifest as such desires.

Until we tell ourselves the truth about our desires, we are slaves to them. Looking back over my life, the question of good, better, or best, of being loved and admired has stalked me like a horny labrador after a bitch in heat. Sure, I’ve managed to loosen the grip it has on me somewhat, but even in its subtle forms there is an absoluteness to it. An undeniable holding on to that sense of identity-existence.

Letting go here is a radical step, and cannot possibly be understood in terms of its consequences and meaning. It can only be experienced, and even then, any interpretation that we assign to it is a fool’s escapade. Confusion, boredom, fear, even terror, are completely appropriate companion emotions on this journey. The only reason we keep going forward is that it would be even more unbearable to stop or to turn back. We desperately want to surrender, but to what?! There is nothing and nobody to which or to whom to surrender.

And yet, despite all the mixed feelings, we continue to creep ever so slowly and cautiously toward our destiny, hoping somehow, we can preserve something of ourselves in the end, to enjoy our ultimate triumph. The play of God is quite comic, I must say.

An interesting phenomenon that I’ve been noticing a lot lately is the degree to which we (pre)tend to live in a dream world, rather than be content to live in reality. Although it would seem much simpler to live, to be, interacting directly and solely with the reality that surrounds us, it is a rare event in most of our lives to live as such, stripped of our fantasies and interpretations. Although in fact we do live in contact with reality (how could we not?), we also find ourselves more principally concerned with our notions of what is, rather than with what actually is. And if you happen to believe or disbelieve what I’m saying, then notice that you’re caught up in the mind’s workings right now.

Our conceptions of reality are not as accurate as we would like to think. We tend to believe that our thoughts about the world are reality. For just one example, take a close look for a moment at how we relate to the news and other media. Many hours of our days and much of our intellectual and emotional energies are spent interacting with the stories we are told. Stories, people! What do we really know? That’s right … a big, fat, Nothing. In fact, not even that.

One possible definition of meditation is the state of awareness that is in direct contact with reality as it is. Ironically, the state of meditation always exists. However, apperception of the meditative state is rare, because it tends to be covered up by the activities of the mind - perception, conception, volition, and so forth. We all love our fantasies. For some of us, we especially love the thoughts that tell us we are successful at meditation.

The fantasies and other activities of the mind often stem from the processes of desire. The problem is, as Buddha taught us several centuries ago, desire is the root of all suffering. So then we should eliminate desire, right? That might make sense if it weren’t a desire itself (the desire to end suffering). In this case, you only cause yourself more problems if you “fight fire with fire”, so to speak. There is no strategy that will lead to success. One of the fortunate properties of desire is that it tends to wane on its own, without any input from us. On the other hand, desire also tends to show up seemingly out of nowhere, especially when we think we’ve transcended it. It’s no wonder meditation practice doesn’t seem to take us anywhere!

By the way, where should it take us? Will you continue to chase your dreams, or be content to be nowhere other than where you are. It all sounds very simple. Indeed, much too simple for the lot of us.

The Lord Buddha said, “Subhuti, here a bodhisattva, a great being, thinks, ‘I should lead countless beings to nirvana. I should lead innumerable beings to nirvana. But no-one exists who can be led to nirvana by anyone.’ And still, he leads those sentient beings to nirvana. Yet there is no being who is led to nirvana, nor is anybody led to nirvana by anyone.”

- The Perfection of Wisdom (Prajnaparamita)

There is something I once heard about Truth, that to find it is easy and free, but once you do, it will cost you everything. This is why so few are serious and honest with themselves regarding their spiritual journeys. It’s an excruciating process to let go of everything. In fact, I don’t recommend it at all. In our typical American fashion, we think maybe we can achieve such a feat in a weekend or two. Or, if we have to work especially hard, maybe six months. It does occasionally occur in flashes that we totally let go, but it oh-so-rarely lasts more than a few minutes or hours or days. You’re probably better off if you never have that flash. Then at least you live without the illusion of a quick fix.

Awakening isn’t a fix for that something missing. If anything, it’s quite the opposite. It’s the elimination of the process by which “missing” occurs as “something”. And for most of us, that’s just about everywhere in life. The unraveling of this process will destroy everything you think you know, and everything you think you are. Thus, you ought to avoid the Truth unless you are certain that you absolutely no longer have a choice. And even then you should avoid it anyway. Because, by the time you realize this is the way it’s going to be, it’s too late to turn back.

Here is just one of many possible examples. The ongoing energetic unfolding that occurs with an awakened chakra system makes very specific demands about which foods are and are not acceptable to the body. It’s not so bad in the first few years, but over time, the increase in dietary restrictions can seem quite onerous. You do have a choice - you can continue to eat those forbidden foods and feel lousy, or you can let them go. The problem, if you view it as such, is that the more you let go, the more demanding your body becomes. And then you don’t have a choice about going back to those foods you think you might miss one day. Say goodbye to pizza and beer forever, except that the smell of your friends enjoying it will be many times more clear and distinct to your olfactory lobes.

There is no telling exactly what changes spiritual awakening will bring. Every being is beautifully unique and precious. Thus, there are no contracts, other than the fact that you have signed everything over to the unfolding Mystery. Good luck with that!

So you might see now why failing to write a blog posting for more than a month can seem rather a trivial affair. Why I write at all is some mysterious combination of desiring to share what I’ve encountered, and the spontaneous unfolding of creative expression. I can’t explain, I can only write. And wish you the best, whatever your choices may be.

This type of responsibility is not something we count on when we imagine awakening. We think that awakening will be a get out of jail free card. Initially we have a relationship with the spiritual freedom of awakening that is infantile. We think that freedom is a personal thing; that it is about feeling extraordinarily good and free. But freedom is much more nuanced than that. It is not a personal thing; it is not an acquisition for us.

As we become more conscious, we begin to see that there are consequences. There are consequences to everything, and they get bigger and bigger the more we behave in ways that are not in harmony with what we know is true. This is actually a wonderful thing. It is what I call fierce grace. It is not a soft grace; it is not the kind of grace that is beautiful and uplifting. But it is a grace nonetheles. We know that when we act from what is not true, we will only be causing ourselves pain. That knowing is a grace.

-Adyashanti, from The End of Your World

Have you fallen
into your heart today
to find the Gift,
the pact
the Beloved has made between us?

Let us surrender into devastation
piercing past promises
leaving behind and ahead
emptiness and fulfillment.

You may be wondering,
what is
that expanding chasm
that fierce yearning
that burning peacefulness?

It is You
it is Me
and it is her Gift.

Photo source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Aeshna_mixta6.jpg

Seeking Light
we enter
hoping our journey will be short.
To our dismay
the Tunnel is vast
infinite in length
in breadth
in its twists and turns.

Sooner or later
we are no longer certain
we are headed in the right direction.
But now it’s too late
to turn back and find the entrance.
We find only Despair.

Where is the Light
at the End of the Tunnel?

When all hope is lost
only then
do we realize
there is no Tunnel
no End
no Light to be found.

There is only the Dream.

Photo source: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/26/Hezekiahs_Tunnel.jpg

I read a comment somewhere recently that got me to thinking about the comparative process of the human mind. Does the mind do anything else other than compare? If it does, I wouldn’t know.

For several years throughout this spiritual journey we call life, I harbored significant amounts of concern over the quality of my state of being. Was I taking the right steps toward enlightenment? Was my consciousness “high” on the human scale. Would I make a notable difference to others? Today, such concerns just seem so ridiculous. The only thing that is obviously clear is that “I” am made of the same dirt as everyone and everything else. Ashes to ashes.

Paradoxically it seems, unless we are blessed with the grace to be born and raised without such discriminating concerns, we must all go through various forms of self assessment and notions of improvement. I can’t think of a single culture that doesn’t have this motivation as a core principle. And yet, where does it all lead?

A wise man I know once said that in a million billion years when the cockroaches rule the earth, and the day comes to recognize significant occurrences throughout the universe, your name and mine won’t be mentioned. And yet I assert that the folly of seeking to be more, better, or best is even more acute than accounts of history can demonstrate. If you don’t believe me, take a look right now. What brings you joy? Where and when does freedom arise? Who are you? Don’t settle for answers other than your own; reject (or at least suspect) mine or anyone else’s. If you examine these questions deeply enough, you’ll see something beneath the shiny cultural veneer. Or perhaps you already have.

You may still think that “higher” beings exist, that somehow they have mastered life in ways you can only imagine. Swami Rama supposedly could meditate so deeply that his breathing would stop for several minutes at a time, and his heartbeat would go as low as 10-15 per minute. Even if I could ever achieve such yogic feats, I certainly could never dunk a basketball like Michael Jordan. Too bad, because I hear the pay is pretty good.

Do such comparisons really amount to anything more than machinations of the monkey mind? Does our relative ordinariness make us any less beautiful, important, or unique? I don’t think so. And truthfully, it doesn’t even matter what I think. In any case, Swami Rama is dead now, and Michael Jordan is well into his retirement, and I seriously doubt the cockroaches will be calling their names on reckoning day either.

Sitting on the train this morning on the way to work, it occurred to me that there comes a time in the human journey where most or all of the traditional means of relating to oneself in the world begin to dissolve away. And it’s an especially strange feeling when that realization leads one to discover that the loosening of the grip of culture has a rather disorienting effect on the psyche. It dawned on me with extreme experiential force in that moment today that I had never known the true meaning of freedom. I had only ever seen it through the lenses and filters of cultural discourse.

It’s not easy or perhaps not even possible to make this distinction clear without dropping right back into that very same cultural discourse that had been momentarily transcended. The best way I can think of to describe the experience is that there was no orientation left at all, and there was a realization that the habitual thinking pattern recognized the lack of an anchor point as a problem. But then suddenly, an alternative view emerged in which orientation or observation itself had no inherent value, other than as a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, as Shakespeare once mused.

It also occurred to me that to truly let this realization soak in would be to give up the world as I know it and want it, and any feelings of security that arise from that knowledge and desire. It would be to live without reference to a future or past, except in the simplest of matters. And yet, that very same lack of direction would also be a source of liberation. No energy needed to hold on to a single notion of being anything.

Indeed, such a life would require a complete reorientation of the human relationship to existence herself. Or perhaps disorientation would be the more appropriate term.

Don’t tell me you cannot control your nature. You need not control it. Throw it overboard. Have no nature to fight, or to submit to. No experience will hurt you, provided you don’t make it into a habit. Of the entire universe you are the subtle cause. All is because you are. Grasp this point firmly and deeply and dwell on it repeatedly. To realize this as absolutely true, is liberation.
-Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, from I Am That

Photo source: http://minnesota.publicradio.org/collections/special/columns/movie_natters/archive/2007/12/golden_compass.shtml

There may come a time in one’s life when the wisdom offered up by the available modes of cultural exchange lose their apparent usefulness. Books, magazines, television, videos, seminars, conversations with family,  friends and sages, it doesn’t matter the source. Eventually their answers all lose their appeal. I can’t say exactly when this metamorphosis happened to me, it seemed to come in phases, but one thing is certain. It left me in a strange new world. And the strangeness of that world has yet to depart, even though the world itself is in a constant state of change.

I used to look to the “outside” for the answers to my deepest questions. For a while many of the offerings seemed to make a lot of sense, and some even contributed significantly to the quality of my life. But somewhere along the line, they no longer quite fit. Then eventually, any answers I could find made about as much sense to me as, “Zombie Prom, Happy 30th Year, Cheez-Its.” It’s possible that phrase has meaning for someone, but I’m at a loss.

Turning “inside” didn’t help either. The answers there made even less sense. Have you ever really examined the contents of your thoughts? If so, then you can probably get a sense of what I’m saying  here. Even beyond thoughts, in those vast moments of complete clarity, there remains a fleeting quality of certainty. Can’t hold on to anything.

So what’s left then? Honestly, I don’t know. But there is one fortunate consequence of all this. Life has such an incredible quality of lightness and beauty to it. There isn’t any particular place to find, or result to produce. And there is no loss in starting over from ground zero, dying and being born again each moment. So go ahead, delete this essay, and see for yourself. Or not. Who knows?

People say I’m crazy doing what I’m doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I’m o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you’re not happy now you no longer play the game

People say I’m lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I’m doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don’t you miss the big time boy you’re no longer on the ball

I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go

Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them there’s no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I’ve lost my mind
I tell them there’s no hurry
I’m just sitting here doing time

I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go

-John Lennon

Life can be a cruel teacher. She entices us with grand visions, and occasional flashes of luminous brilliance. In those flashes we imagine that there is some sustainable state of pure knowing and loving being. We imagine ourselves as that being. Conceptually, we may even believe that this is true, and yet somehow this vision remains tantalizingly out of reach. So we seek the correct path toward a permanent merger into our birthright. We may even find at times that we think we’re there. But then it’s snatched away again ever so torturously. What are we to do? Many of us wander this landscape for years and years.

Failure is not easy to take, especially not for the precocious such as we are. It is a total devastation of the constructs of our collective mind. It may not sound like much, but in fact, it’s everything. Our entire world collapses into death, moment after moment, ad infinitum. We must learn to let go of everything. Over and over again, until we are no longer capable of holding on. Completely adrift, we may find ourselves washed upon the shore of a strange new land. It is only here that we find real freedom. Not the concept of liberation that we’ve been pursuing all these years, but rather the complete willingness to die over and over again. To embrace the fullness of our failure, not identifying with it or anything else. Knowing nothing.

Worry not about the path that you are taking. The Beloved will destroy you eventually.

The way of love is not
a subtle argument.

The door there
is devastation.

Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?

They fall, and falling,
they’re given wings.

-Rumi

Eventually, we may come to realize the bankruptcy of our ways and begin to question the need for seeking altogether. We conclude that seeking would best be dropped, and thus we make silent vows to ourselves to let go, and may even fool ourselves into thinking we’ve succeeded. But sooner or later we realize our folly. We notice ourselves grasping at our goal, seeking non-seeking. What a cosmic joke this movement becomes!

All the while, a curious thing happens beneath the surface. Some kind of mysterious physical manifestation takes root, and begins to burn the seeker away through a process of internal combustion. This slow death is paradoxically painful, agonizing, and frustrating, as well as blissful and beautiful. Right down the the last cell of the body. Many have tried putting the experience into words, but it cannot possibly be explained. Each surrender seems so final, and yet the barely detectable remnants of the seeker remain, maintaining some identification of the me in all of this, the continuity holding it all together.

More and more, the fatigue of failure and holding on begin to wear us down, to erode us ever so slowly, like a rock at the bottom of a flowing river. One day, finally we give up, realizing that we are helplessly and hopelessly lost.

Now what?!?

This is where the real mystery begins …

I’ve looked under chairs
I’ve looked under tables
I’ve tried to find the key
To fifty million fables

They call me The Seeker
I’ve been searching low and high
I won’t get to get what I’m after
Till the day I die

-Pete Townshend

A similar phenomenon occurs when the desire is not to acquire, but rather to let go and lighten our load, getting rid of much or all of what we have that burdens us. Although it may seem to serve a “higher purpose” to simplify our lives and leave more room for “spiritual” activities, the process of letting go is as influenced by the forces of manipulation as the compulsion to acquire things. In fact, it’s really no different. Now we are “acquiring freedom from our possessions” …

Manipulation of the human mind takes place on many levels. It is as present in everyday cultural values as it is in the latest offerings from Madison Avenue. Television news used to be more subtle in its manipulative ways, but today it is just outright blatant. The first mistake we make in dealing effectively with all the manipulation that surrounds us is to believe that we are above it. Sorry, but it just ain’t so. You and I, we’re tools, to quote the vernacular.

Even though it might seem simple, losing everything is more elusive than it sounds. Sure you can declare your intentions to renounce all of your possessions and desires, even going so far as donating all your money to charity and dropping off all of your personal belongings at the Salvation Army. But letting go of the compulsion to reacquire all that has been lost is not nearly as easy as the romantic mind would like to believe.

Maybe losing everything is no better an idea than trying to acquire what we perceive as lacking. It’s exactly the same thing when you get right down to it.

Where do we turn then? I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for you.

What I can offer, though, is a radical notion for most. Get to know and love the strategist within you. Yes, that one, the one who causes all your pain and suffering. The one to whom you may deny acknowledgment or acceptance. The one who compels you to do (or at least consider doing) all kinds of crazy shit, even though you can’t seem to find any good reason. Most of us work hard every day trying to get rid of this devil, or barring that possibility, trying to hide its existence from ourselves and others.

Sorry, but it will never work. There is no strategy that can defeat the strategist. Learn to live with it, to love it, and most especially, to love the strategist in others as well. When such harmonious coexistence is finally achieved, then … well … there you Are. As Lovely as a human devil can be.

The personality is but a product of imagination. The self is the victim of this imagination. It is the taking yourself to be what you are not that binds you. The person cannot be said to exist on its own rights; it is the self that believes there is a person and is conscious of being it. Beyond the self lies the unmanifested, the causeless cause of everything. Even to talk of re-uniting the person with the self is not right, because there is no person, only a mental picture given a false reality by conviction. Nothing was divided and there is nothing to unite. - Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, from I Am That

It’s so difficult to describe exactly what I felt and experienced in Taiwan, for example. It was my first time visiting there, and in many ways it was exactly what I expected - noisy, busy, crowded, full of air pollution and commercialism, lots of decrepit-looking buildings … you know, the typical Asian big-city experience. And yet, there was something remarkable lurking beneath the surface for me. As I walked the streets of Taipei at night watching all the scooters whizzing by, I felt such a profound affinity for all the people I saw, and for the culture as a whole. Even the ridiculously commercialized yoga studio I visited there had a mysterious attraction to it, despite the fact that I could find no rational explanation for my experience. My girlfriend and I also spent a whole day in Kenting National Park, where the experience of peace, beauty, and love was far more expected. But even there I was completely overwhelmed by the depth of my love and appreciation for a few moments of just Being there.

I had a big realization recently. You know, the kind of realization where you already got it in a conceptual way a long time ago, but somehow didn’t realize that you hadn’t completely gotten it until right now. It goes like this. There have been countless descriptions said and written about spirituality, many of them quite beautiful and even helpful in our struggle toward awakening. And yet, what I saw is that all those descriptions of the spiritual experience simply aren’t true. Every experience is unique, and defies any and all attempts at classification. To conclude and be completely clear, if you read it in a book (or blog), you can be sure of only one thing … that it isn’t true. What is true, then? Well, I’ll leave that to you to discover for yourself. The only thing I can say is that inexpressible beauty will somehow find it’s way into the picture, eventually if not right away.

A few days ago, one of my friends posted the video below to YouTube. The subject matter is suicide, which recently claimed the life of a close friend of the two young women (one of which is my friend) in the video. While watching it, I found myself so deeply moved by its intent, its simplicity, its expression of the human condition. I don’t really know what else to say, other than that the Heart is so vast, so fragile, and yet so accepting and resilient. I find every concept of myself completely shattered.

Much of the time, I ride the train to work, the L.A. Metro Rail Gold Line to be exact. And as you might imagine, or perhaps have seen firsthand, the insides of those light rail trains are not designed to be particularly attractive from an aesthetic viewpoint. Lately however, I have found the nondescript floors of the train to be more than satisfying to the eye, in fact, to the entirety of Being. As I stare at the Blackberry/iPhone/iPod carrying crowd deeply engaged with their fantasy worlds, I choose the floor, the walls, the windows … the whole train as my venue. As I take it all in, I find myself laughing silently, the kind of laugh that also wants to cry, the kind of laugh where the floor laughs back at me. I am on a train after all. Might as well be where I am.

Some years ago I experienced a series of awakenings, which spurred me to explore the world of self realization with a fervor rarely expressed in search of Truth. Back then it seemed every spare minute I could find was dedicated to the pursuit of that something that I couldn’t quite identify, and in my foolishness I was certain that I would know it when I found it. Meditation practice occupied several hours a day as a regular habit. After some years, my passion softened somewhat, and single-mindedness naturally expanded into a more whole-life encompassing view. With a delicate subtlety, love, compassion, and beauty turned the game around, and gradually I became aware of their seeking me. Day by day, almost imperceptibly, I surrendered to their pursuit. And as I shared a laugh with the floor of the train one morning last week, I realized that I had given up completely.

The world of spiritual cultivation is filled with overt and covert promises of becoming supernatural. And in our fantasies, we envision ourselves expanding beyond the perceived boundaries of the Cosmos, being One with All of It. Even if we’ve experienced such expansions in meditative absorption, it’s not enough, we must find them again. We’ve even invented a whole vocabulary to describe these images - samadhi, kundalini awakening, opening the third eye, … blah, blah, blah. I’ve got a secret for you - it’s all a big Fantasy. Sorry, but we spiritual seekers are not any different than our fellow rail commuters, desperately clinging to their gadgets so that they don’t have to deal directly with the fact that they are on a train.

Surrender means giving up the pursuit and accepting, done to the bone, that you’ll never get anything from meditation or any other spiritual practice, other than being right here exactly where you already are. Mundane, of the world, form is emptiness, and emptiness is form. If you actually give up, and aren’t just fantasizing about surrender, you may find a profound beauty in the simplicity of the floor beneath your feet. And perhaps you will find yourself laughing/crying, as the floor laughs back at you for the foolishness of all those years of seeking.

It is important to see that the main point of any spiritual practice is to step out of the bureaucracy of ego. This means stepping out of ego’s constant desire for a higher, more spiritual, more transcendental version of knowledge, religion, virtue, judgment, comfort, or whatever it is that the particular ego is seeking. One must step out of spiritual materialism. If we do not step out of spiritual materialism, if we in fact practice it, then we may eventually find ourselves possessed of a huge collection of spiritual paths. We may feel these spiritual collections to be very precious. We have studied so much. We may have studied Western philosophy or Oriental philosophy, practiced yoga, or perhaps have studied under dozens of great masters. We have achieved and we have learned. We believe that we have accumulated a hoard of knowledge. And yet, having gone through all this, there is still something to give up. It is extremely mysterious! How could this happen? Impossible! But unfortunately it is so. Our vast collections of knowledge and experience are just part of ego’s display, part of the grandiose quality of ego. We display them to the world and, in doing so, reassure ourselves that we exist, safe and secure, as “spiritual” people. -Chögyam Trungpa, from Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism

As I look at the world around me, I see people living in a dream, and inexorably I realize that I am the Dreamer. The only apparent reality comes in the form of indescribable expressions of beauty that I see, hear, taste, touch, and feel from every direction. A Union with the Mystery, with the Divine. I don’t know if I know, or if I don’t know, of if there is even such a thing as knowledge. Certainty herself flees me as quickly as she appears, as does her constant companion uncertainty.

One thing I can say, is that this dream world is so beautifully full of shit. We think that we have discovered a special secret, that if we can produce some mystical state and Merge with the Universe, that we’ll finally Arrive. Whether it’s in samadhi, kensho, satori, a kundalini rising, the perfect tantric lover, a sudden flash of insight, the fire of deep devotion, finding Jesus as your Savior, or whatever. There are a million descriptions of the Divine. All so, so exquisite… and all bullshit. Life doesn’t mean anything. Nor does Enlightenment. There isn’t even any such thing. Life simply is what it is. Spendidly so.

Go and spend some time with your Lover. Or walk in Nature. Or just Listen. Feel the bittersweet pangs of the Heart as she wails in the suffering of Division. Life will show you what Is. Where and when if not Here and Now? The Laughter will show you the Way. I recommend you leave behind all the crap you know. It isn’t as easy as it sounds, but you can do it.

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
and that of a saint?

The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God

And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move

That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think

You have a thousand serious moves.

-Hafiz

No one or nothing is immune. Death is everywhere, and in everything.

I sent the following passage as part of an email message to my friend yesterday. I doubt it was of much comfort to her. She is amazing and awake, but regardless of what I have to say, death still pains her - and all of the rest of us as well.

“Life” really is death, and what we think of as life is just an illusion. And what we normally think of as “death” is also an illusion. Death happens every instant. When you really look at it, there aren’t even instants. Just memories, impressions. All on top of a big fat Nothing.

Most people live life in their heads. In fact, all people do. If you think you are “living in the present moment”, well, I’ve got a clue for you - you aren’t. Perception is completely, 100%, in the past. The future also resides in thinking, in concepts. The present doesn’t exist as an experience. It’s an idea we use to convince ourselves that we aren’t living completely in the past and in the future.

What we usually call life is a vast collection of impressions. If you examine them carefully enough, you may see that those impressions are not real, but rather are reflections of “isness”. Only Being is. Moreover, Being is timeless, with no past or future, no change, just simple pure awareness of existence, which in itself is empty. Everything returns to the Tao. There is only death, nothingness, pure possibility.

All fear is fear of death. Fear that “I” am not immortal. This is simply and truly the ultimate cosmic joke of all time. Death is exactly that which will set you free and that which you fear.

Security as we perceive it cannot exist. It strangles itself in conflict, and leads to an unending spiral of fear, hate, violence, perpetration, war, and affliction. Ironically, though, death is the ultimate security. Nothing has persistence, and nothing ever can. In the world of time, life is in a constant state of transformation. An endless series of illusions of death and rebirth. Learn to enjoy them, play, and feel the exquisite pain of their passing into oblivion forever. How can life contain such joy and such sorrow? How can it not?

Here is a radical notion. Rather than continuing to deliberate endlessly about the cause of this mess, or what actions will ameliorate it, let’s take a closer look at what it is, and what is common to every viewpoint. Yes, for the moment I’m admitting to having something, in fact everything, in common with Bush, Cheney, and all the other criminals in our government.

No matter which particular point of view you hold, the fact that there is some kind of messed up shit going on is a state of mind. In fact, it is all simply the activity of the mind. But don’t believe me because I say so, take a close look. Where does conflict arise? Investigate!

Does it not live in the past and the future? In our pursuit of happiness? In pain and pleasure? In avoiding what will bring us harm? The protection of I, Me, and Mine? In having a point of view in the first place? In the belief that there is some correct belief system? What would Jesus say?

Are you really looking, or just finding a way to agree or argue with me? Are you actually free, or is your action determined by your point of view?

If you are truly interested in freedom, a revolution in your very existence and that of the world around you, you will seek the answers to these questions. And not in the mind, concepts, or points of view! There is no freedom from conflict in any point of view.

Here is a hint. Find the Silence beyond the mind and all points of view. In that Silence, there are no answers to be found, and yet, profoundly, there is a natural state of being that is free of conflict, and acts according to its own true nature. But don’t take my word for it - Be the Revolution.

Rather than simply accepting what others have said, I’ve spent many years examining desire from as many angles as possible. For example, I maintained a completely celibate lifestyle for close to two years in my examination of the relationship between desire and sexuality. It was quite an eye opening experience. I won’t bother going into the details of relating what I concluded, if anything, because there really isn’t any value to be found in conclusions. If you are curious enough, perhaps you’ll just try it out. Or not. In any case, it just illustrates how far I was willing to go to discover my actual relationship with desire. I continue in that discovery every moment. Fuck the myths. Really.

Now I’m not asserting that all desires are healthy, nor am I saying that one wouldn’t benefit from the elimination of some forms of desire. However, in my experience, the falling away of unhealthy desires occurs as naturally as breathing itself, if one allows it. And I am asserting that forced attempts to eliminate perceived unwanted desires can be very damaging to the well being of a human life.

Last weekend I was feeling the effects of American life in a heavy way, and concluded that I needed to get away from the rat-race for a bit. So my girlfriend and I got in the car and drove out to Angeles National Forest, which is really more of a burnt out desert on hills than a forest such as one would find in the eastern U.S.

We hiked down into a canyon and sat and meditated for a bit. Slowly but surely, the presence of life made itself into my awareness in a deep and touching way. Although fires had clearly consumed many of the trees that surrounded us, there was life in them nonetheless. Life was everywhere and in everything. Life … Death … Breath … Desire … Beauty … Love … all Present. Whatever headache had accompanied me into the forest dissolved into this deepest desire to inhale the breath of life. As we hiked back up the canyon wall to go home, I could see the breath of life hovering in the canyon air, with movement everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. I lingered on the precious edge of weeping for the entire walk back.

There is nothing anyone can say that will convince me that such experiences of desire ought to be eliminated from my life. I’ve been accused many times of being detached, but hey, I’m still alive. My teacher is fond of saying that the only real need for human beings is the movement toward ecstasy. How could such volition exist without desire? Sorry, but I have to agree with the teacher on this one.

But don’t take my word for it. Get interested enough to find out for yourself. Fuck the myths … mine, the Buddha’s, or anyone else’s.

When there is a total understanding of need, the outward and the inner, then desire is not torture. Then it has a quite different meaning, a significance far beyond the content of thought and it goes beyond feeling, with its emotions, myths and illusions. With the total understanding of need, not the mere quantity or the quality of it, desire then is a flame and not a torture. Without this flame life itself is lost. It is this flame that burns away the pettiness of its object, the frontiers, the fences that have been imposed upon it. Then call it by whatever name you will, love, death, beauty. Then it is there without an end. - J. Krishnamurti

For example, I find myself beginning to question the importance of desire at all levels. Do I need to accomplish anything? Feel any pleasure? What would be the point? It all seems so shallow in comparison to living the Truth. At the same time, it is equally unimportant that this process should end up in any particular place. Desire could have a place here and now, even intensely so, or it could not. No agenda, no agent.

I don’t know what the Truth is, but I know what it isn’t. It isn’t pre-planned or known by anyone. It is a living organism, the unfolding cosmos, revealed only in its immediate existence and action.

When the saints speak of purification, I believe they are speaking of such a process of moving in the immediacy of the Truth. A living that is not determined by any particular habitual pattern, but rather by communion with what is. The notion of trying to eliminate sin or negativity only introduces entanglement. Somewhat like trying to tell God how to design a tree or a bumblebee.

I see beauty in everything, even in the infinite depths of attachment. Desire exists in every energetic movement of consciousness, and yet Shakti she is also completely unbound and unknowable. The deepest form of paradox. Such is the nature of her radiant splendor. With profound acceptance comes this purification of which I make such a feeble attempt to describe.

The same stream of life that runs through my veins night and day
runs through the world and dances in rhythmic measures.
It is the same life that shoots in joy through the dust of the earth
in numberless blades of grass
and breaks into tumultuous waves of leaves and flowers.
It is the same life that is rocked in the ocean-cradle of birth
and of death, in ebb and in flow.
I feel my limbs are made glorious by the touch of this world of life.

And my pride is from the life-throb of ages dancing in my blood this moment.

- Rabindranath Tagore, Gitanjali

It’s very useful if you want to earn a college degree or have a job to help you pay for groceries. Especially if you don’t have friends or family that can help you find the grocery store.

Lately I’ve been noticing the extent to which all of that we call “experience” is shaped by the conditioning of our minds. Here’s an example that illustrates a point of view not often considered. Are you psychic, or do you know someone who is? We tend to think of this sort of thing as a special gift or power. But really isn’t it simply conditioning like everything else? That’s right, just another view of the Universe. Not actually all that different than being a neo-con, an anti-war protester, a scientist, or believing in the Easter Bunny.

And here is the trouble with views. Every view creates division, this and that, and as a result either fear or pleasure, or both. That’s right, and your local neighborhood spiritual bookstore will have a thousand tomes calling this duality. The notion of the existence of an ego is simply a view as well. A view that asserts a self that is separate from objects and other selves. Many people will try to convince you of the paramount importance of destroying the ego. Sorry, but that’s just another view. How can you destroy what doesn’t even exist in reality? And I won’t even get into the paradox of destruction here. In the process of solving one perceived problem, you’re creating yet another. You could call this the problem with problems.

Fear, fear, fear. You have no idea how much it runs your life. Pretty much our whole culture is defined by it. Everything you know creates fear. Often subtle and unnoticeable, but only because it is unexamined. Fear is like shit that doesn’t stink any more after you sit with it long enough. And how do we usually deal with fear when we can perceive it? We try to eliminate it by understanding it. Yeah, like that will work.

So now that I’ve attempted to destroy all semblance of hope in your life, I suppose you would like me to offer a view that will free you of the bonds of the conditioned mind. Well, if I had any sense, I would just stop writing right now, but being a crazy human and all, I’ll keep the bullshit flowing just a little bit longer. In truth, I have no idea what to say, other than to find out for yourself. Directly, by interacting with what is. There is no truth about fear or the conditioning of the mind. Those are just concepts, views, having absolutely nothing to do with the present, and hence nothing to do with reality as it is.

Hey, didn’t I already say that?

Insight is not an act of remembrance, the continuation of memory. Insight is like a flash of light. You see with absolute clarity, all the complications, the consequences, the intricacies. Then this very insight is action, complete. In that there are no regrets, no looking back, no sense of being weighed down, no discrimination. This is pure, clear insight - perception without any shadow of doubt. Most of us begin with certainty and as we grow older the certainty changes to uncertainty and we die with uncertainty. But if one begins with uncertainty, doubting, questioning, asking demanding, with real doubt about man’s behaviour, about all the religious rituals and their images and their symbols, then out of that doubt comes the clarity of certainty. - J. Krishnamurti